Evan Baxter Quotes in Bruce Almighty (2003)

Announcer: Welcome to Eyewitness News at Six, with Susan Ortega, Evan Baxter, Fred Donahue Sports, Dallas Coleman Weather. And now, Buffalo's Number One News Team.

Susan Ortega: Good Evening and welcome to Eyewitness News at Six. I'm Susan Ortega.

Evan Baxter: And I'm Evan Baxter and here's what's making news. A potential scandal with the Buffalo P.D. surfaced today when the mayor d-bow debit

[choked off]

Evan Baxter: [high pitched] D-bow d-bit d-bow

[unintelligible chicken squawking]

Evan Baxter: Bucka-bow, dee buck.

Director: Someone get him some water please.

Susan Ortega: Looks like my new co-anchor may need a glass of water.

Evan Baxter: [clears throat] Oh, there we go. Sorry about that. In other news the Prime Minister of Sweden visited Washington today and my tiny little nipples went to France.

Director: What'd he just say? Check the prompter.

Technician: The prompter's fine.

Director: Evan, READ THE COPY. Please. The copy's good. Just read it.

Evan Baxter: The White House reception committee greeted the Prime Ribroast Minister and... I do the cha-cha like a sissy girl. I lik-a do da cha-cha. I'm sorry we seem to be having some technical difficulties. In other news

[breaks wind]

Evan Baxter: Ohhhh. My apologies. Bulla blah, bulla blabity bulla bla

[rapid unitelligible gibberish]

Evan Baxter: Blabity blab bulla blah

[explosive gibberish]

Evan Baxter: [continues for 35 seconds]

[vaguely Chinese]

Evan Baxter: Kaa kaa poo poo. PEE PEE

[nervous laugh]

Evan Baxter: Is your child in dire jeopardy? Find out tonight, after the game.

God: How do we change the world?

Evan Baxter: One single act of random kindness at a time.

God: [spoken while writing A-R-K on ground with a stick] One Act, of, Random, Kindness.

[Evan is driving to work]

Evan Baxter: I am successful, I am powerful, I am handsome, and I am happy. Sucessful, powerful, handsome-

[Looks into rearview, and sees God in the back seat, having just appeared out of nowhere]

Evan Baxter: AAGGGHHHHH! AAAAGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!

God: [smiling] Let it out, son. It's the beginning of wisdom.

Evan Baxter: How did you get in here? D'ah! I'm calling the cops.

God: No wait. Look-look-look. There's one right there.

[Points to a motorcycle cop on the shoulder. Evan rolls down his window]

Evan Baxter: Officer! Officer! Carjacker, carjacker in the car! Carjacker in the car!

[the officer turns his head, revealing that he is God]

Officer "God": Careful pulling out. Pedestrian in the crosswalk.

[Evan turns around. God has vanished from there. He looks and sees God crossing the street, and in the car behind him, honking for him to move]

Joan Baxter: Honey, maybe God didn't mean a literal flood. Maybe he meant a flood of knowledge, or emotion, or awareness.

Evan Baxter: If that's true, I am going to be *so pissed*.

[as animals appear around Evan, two sheep appear in the backseat of his car]

Evan Baxter: SHEEEEEEEEEEEP!

Rita: [upon seeing Evan's beard] Evan, what happened? Did you fall in a mine shaft?

Evan Baxter: No.

Rita: Did you just come out of a coma?

Evan Baxter: No.

Rita: Were you attacked by a werewolf?

Evan Baxter: No, I wasn't.

Rita: Well, if you were going for that rugged look, I think you over-shot it.

[from trailer]

Joan Baxter: You want to build a boat?

Evan Baxter: It might be something fun for the family. Go sailing on the lake. I don't know.

[looking at his feet, under his breath]

Evan Baxter: Be great in case it floods or something...

[from trailer]

Evan Baxter: [on the ark, addressing a big crowd] People! The flood is imminent!

[everyone looks around, bewildered, and up at the sunny sky. Evan addresses the heavens]

Evan Baxter: Is it too much to ask for a LITTLE PRECIPITATION?

Ark Reporter: What makes you think God chose you?

Evan Baxter: He chose all of us.

Evan Baxter: I can't shave. Whenever I shave it just grows back!

Marty: That's what happens when you shave. But then you shave again!

Evan Baxter: Get on the Ark! Everyone on the Ark, now!

Marty: I think we should get on the Ark.

Eugene: I agree. I think we should get on the Ark, also.

Rita: I'm cold, I'm wet, I'm going home.

[the dam breaks and a wall of water comes at them]

Rita: Ladies first! Move!

[first lines]

Susan Ortega: And that's the news. But before we sign off, we'd like to thank our very own Evan Baxter, who has just been elected Buffalo's representative to Congress. And now we have a surprise for Evan.

Evan Baxter: No, you don't.

Susan Ortega: We do.

Evan Baxter: Oh, no. I really didn't expect this.

Susan Ortega: Here's a look back at his run for office.

Evan Baxter: Chicken! September 22nd would be a good day for chicken! Joan, could we have chicken September 22nd midday?

Evan Baxter: Do I know you?

God: Not as much as I'd like.

Evan Baxter: These birds had a big meal earlier.

Rita: Want me to get my BB gun?

Evan Baxter: Eugene said that Long cut corners on building codes.

Joan Baxter: What're you talking about?

Evan Baxter: The lake! Long Lake! It's named after him. It's the lake!

[sees the dam starting to burst]

Evan Baxter: Everybody get on the ark now!

Congressman Chuck Long: How?

Evan Baxter: The dam. Your reservoir broke, Prestige Crest is no more.

Congressman Chuck Long: No, they said that couldn't happen, they... you did this, you set me up!

Evan Baxter: [reading Genesis 6:14] Make thee an ark of gopherwood. Gopherwood?

Evan Baxter: [he enters his new office] This is nice.

Rita: It's too nice. There's something crooked going on around here.

[sarcastically sniffs]

Rita: Do you smell anthrax?