Evan Quotes in Four Brothers (2005)

Evan: Sweet wants blood. That's not negotiable

Victor Sweet: Evan, I said pistol

Evan: Uhh, no bitch.

Gabe Walker: I've been working up in Denver.

BASE Jumper 1: Work? Don't say that word man!

Evan: Man, I hate work. Even when somebody else is doing it.

Evan: [Looking at green gunge] Wait a second. I've seen this stuff before.

Franklin: Had you just won a Nickelodeon Kid's choice award?

Bob: What the fuck is he doing here?

Evan: It's ok he saved us!

Franklin: Ya he came in here jackin' dicks left and right.

Bob: When are you gonna take the plunge and knock a few out?

Evan: Well, it's not that simple.

Bob: Well, it's about as simple as putting your dick in a vagina. You know what I mean? Make it happen.

Evan: Costco is for members only.

Evan: You've been planning an alien invasion... in my Costco?

Fogell: Yo guys! Sup?

Seth: Fogell, where have you been, man? You almost gave me a goddamn heart attack. Let me see it. Did you pussy out or what?

Fogell: No noooo, man. I got it; it is flawless. Check it!

Evan: [examining the fake ID] Hawaii. All right, that's good. That's hard to trace, I guess. Wait... you changed your name to... McLovin?

Fogell: Yeah.

Evan: McLovin? What kind of a stupid name is that, Fogell? What, are you trying to be an Irish R&B singer?

Fogell: Naw, they let you pick any name you want when you get down there.

Seth: And you landed on McLovin...

Fogell: Yeah. It was between that or Muhammed.

Seth: Why the FUCK would it be between THAT or Muhammed? Why don't you just pick a common name like a normal person?

Fogell: Muhammed is the most commonly used name on Earth. Read a fucking book for once.

Evan: Fogell, have you actually ever met anyone named Muhammed?

Fogell: Have YOU actually ever met anyone named McLovin?

Seth: No, that's why you picked a dumb fucking name!

Fogell: Fuck you.

Seth: Gimme that. All right, you look like a future pedophile in this picture, number 1. Number 2: it doesn't even have a first name, it just says "McLovin"!

Evan: What? One name? ONE NAME? Who are you? Seal?

Seth: Fogell, this ID says that you're 25 years old. Why wouldn't you just put 21, man?

Fogell: Seth, Seth, Seth. Listen up, ass-face: every day, hundreds of kids go into the liquor store with fake IDs, and every single one says they're 21. Pssh, how many 21 year olds do you think there are in this town? It's called fucking strategy, all right?

Evan: Stay calm, okay? Let's not lose our heads. It's... it's a fine ID; it'll... it's gonna work. It's passable, okay? This isn't terrible. I mean, it's up to you, Fogell. This guy is either gonna think 'Here's another kid with a fake ID' or 'Here's McLovin, a 25 year-old Hawaiian organ donor'. Okay? So what's it gonna be?

Fogell: [grinning] ... I am McLovin!

Seth: No you're not. No one's McLovin. McLovin's never existed because that's a made up dumb FUCKING FAIRY TALE NAME, YOU FUCK!

Becca: Your cock is so smooth!

Evan: Your's would be too... if you were a man.

[from trailer]

Seth: [referring to Evan's mother] I am truly jealous you got to suck on those tits when you were a baby.

Evan: Yeah, well, at least you got to suck on your dad's dick.

Becca: I'm so wet right now.

Evan: Yeah... they said that would happen in health class.

Jesse: Hey, Seth.

Seth: [scared and cautious] What?

Jesse: Did you hear I'm having a big grad party next Saturday?

Seth: [hesitantly] No.

Jesse: Yeah.

[Jesse spits on Seth's shirt]

Jesse: You're not invited. Tell your fucking faggot friend he can't come either.

[motions towards Evan]

Seth: [Seth and Evan walk away together] So Jesse wanted me to tell you you're a fucking faggot and you're not invited to his grad party.

Evan: You know you really bitched out back there man.

Seth: I bitched out? You bitched out. Fucking Judas!

Evan: What'd you want me to do? Dive in front of the spit...?

Seth: When I was a little kid, I kinda had this problem. And it's not even that big of a deal, something like 8 percent of kids do it. For some reason, I don't know why. I would just kinda... sit around all day... and draw pictures of dicks.

Evan: What?

Seth: Draw pictures of dicks.

Evan: Dicks? Like a man dick?

Seth: Yes. Like a man dick.

[while you see Seth when he was a kid]

Seth: I'd just sit there hours on end drawing dicks. I didn't know what it was. I couldn't touch the pen to the paper without drawing the shape of a penis.

Evan: That's fucked.

Seth: No shit. It's really fucked up. Here I am. A little kid. And I can't stop drawing dicks to save my own life.

[you see the kid Seth draw a lot of different dicks on different sheets of paper and see a gallery of his drawings one by one]

Evan: Alright, I mean... I just don't see what this has to do with Becca.

Seth: Just listen. Okay?

[you see the kid Seth in a classroom]

Seth: Your precious little Becca sat next to me for all of fourth grade. And in the classroom was where I did the majority of my illustrations. I was very secretive about this whole dick operation. Even I thought I was fucking crazy. Imagine what everyone else would think? So I would stash all my dick drawings in this Ghostbusters lunchbox that I had. So one day, I'm finishing up this real big, veiny, triumphant bastard, all of a sudden...

Kid: Pussy!

[walks by the kid Seth and pushes his notebook and his dick drawing off the desk, and it lands near kid Becca]

Evan: You hit Becca's foot with your dick?

Seth: Yeah. I know.

[kid Becca picks up the drawing he just did, looks at it for a second, sees that it's a dick, and screams her head off and runs to the teacher]

Seth: She starts crying, she flips out. Then she rats me out to the principal. He finds this Ghostbusters lunchbox dick treasure chest and he fucking flips out.

[you see more of his dick drawings one by one]

Seth: He calls in my parents. Turns out this principal is a religious fanatic, and he thinks I'm possessed by some sort of dick devil. My parents go make me see some therapist, and he's asking me all these dick questions. They literally stopped me from eating foods that were shaped like dicks. No hot dogs, no popsicles... You know how many foods are shaped like dicks? The best kinds.

Evan: Well, I don't... That's really messed up. Supergay.

Fogell: Oh oh, I forgot to tell you: my mom said we could have the TV from the basement...

Evan: Shut the fuck up, man. He's gonna hear you. Just be quiet; wait until he goes away.

Fogell: You still haven't told him that we're rooming together?

Evan: Fogell, shut the fuck up. And take off that vest. You look like Aladdin.

Evan: Oh, I have to go.

Seth: What,? You're just gonna let me sit here and eat dessert alone like I'm Steven fucking Glandsberg?

[camera pans over to Steven eating alone and staring into a distance]

Seth: Its like a three thing... its like ball, dick, ball.

Evan: It's like a division sign...

Evan: Yeah chicks go nuts for that... the male camel toe.

Seth: Yea yea! The camel tail.

Gym Teacher: Evan, get into the game.

Evan: Kick it over... to me.

Gym Teacher: Seth, get off the field!

Evan: Dude, get out of here. There gonna make me run laps again.

Seth: Dude, just fuckin' listen ok. Jules and her stupid fuckin' friend came up to me and they ask me to buy her alcohol. But not just her, for her whole party. You know what that means? By some divine miracle we were paired up and she actually thought of me. Thought of me enough to decide that I was the guy she would trust with the whole funness of her party. She wants to fuck me, she wants my dick in and around her mouth.

Evan: Did you ever think that she's just using you to get her alcohol? She doesn't want your dick?

Seth: No, she's got an older brother and she could've asked him but she asked me. She looked me in the eyes and said 'Seth, Momma's making a pubi salad and I need some Seth's Own dressing.' She's D.T.F. - down to fuck man. P and Vagi, she wants to

[kicks soccer ball]

Seth: fuck man! Tonight is a night that fucking is an actual possibility.

Evan: You just sound like an idiot, you're not gonna be able to sleep with her man.

Seth: No... dude, I don't want to talk a lot of shit OK. But she's gonna be at the party, and she's gonna be drunk, and she likes me at least a little, enough to get with me. At the very least I'll make out with her, two weeks hand job, month blow job, whatever whatever. And then, I make her my girlfriend. And I've got like two solid months of sex. By the time college rolls around I'll be like the Iron Chef of pounding vaj.

Evan: K can you just get out of hear and we'll talk about this later?

Greg the Soccer Player: What the fuck Evan we're down two points!

Evan: Fuckin' calm down Greg, it's soccer, it's soccer.

Greg the Soccer Player: Fuck you man.

Seth: Hey Greg, why don't you go piss your pants again?

Greg the Soccer Player: That was like eight years ago asshole.

Seth: People don't forget.

[turning back to Evan]

Seth: You wanna hear the best part? Becka! You do the same thing with her. When you guys are shit faced at the party, you get with her. This is our last party as highschool people. I fully ignored my hatred for Becka in coming up with this plan.

Evan: I should buy Becka alcohol?

Evan: Yeah, man that will be pimp! That way you know she'll be drunk. You know when you hear girls saying like 'ahh I was so shit faced last night I shouldn't have fucked that guy,' we could be that mistake!

Evan: Have you talked to Fogell?

Seth: Alright, you talk to Becka. I'll talk to that retard Fogell. Don't worry.

Gym Teacher: [Blows whistle] Seth, get off the field!

Seth: [Kicks soccer ball into the stands] Goal!

Gym Teacher: You're getting that!

Seth: No I'm not.

Evan: I heard she got breast reduction surgery.

Seth: What? That's like slapping God across the face for giving you a beautiful gift.

Evan: She had back problems, man.

Seth: I just wanna go to the rooftops and scream, "I love my best friend, Evan."

Evan: Let's... go on my roof.

Seth: [whispers] For sure.

Evan: Calm down, calm down. She likes you. She wants to suck on your penis. That's a good thing. It's the best.

Evan: I'd give my middle nut to start dating Becca.

Seth: Look at those nipples.

Evan: They're like little baby toes. It's just not fair that they get to flaunt that stuff, you know... and like, I have to hide every erection I get.

Evan: Just imagine if girls weren't weirded out by our boners and stuff, and just like wanted to see them. That's the world I one day want to live in.

Seth: You know what I do? I flip my boner up into my waistband. It hides it AND it feels awesome. I almost blew a load into my bellybutton.

Francis the Driver: I'm gonna be totally honest with you. I have a warrant out for a totally nonviolent crime. Okay? There. Mercy Street, guys.

Seth: Well, I'll be honest with you for a second.

Francis the Driver: Okay.

Seth: You better get us a shitload of cash or a shitload of alcohol or you're going to fucking prison.

Evan: What are you doing, man? That's - You don't need to...

Francis the Driver: Okay.

Evan: No, let's not - Let's hang on a second here.

Seth: Cough it up.

Francis the Driver: Fine.

Evan: I don't know if we should be doing anything too official.

Francis the Driver: Let's work together. We're working together. It's like Let's Make a Deal. Here we go.

Seth: Seven bucks? Are you fucking serious? This isn't enough for anything. What are you, a 6-year-old?

Francis the Driver: It's all I have, man. That's all I have.

Seth: Well, you better think of something quickly, alright? Ah, my back!

Francis the Driver: No, no, no, no, no. Wait.

Seth: My back! Cops, my back.

Francis the Driver: Wait, don't do that. Alright, listen. I can get you alcohol. I'm going to this party right now, bro. Okay? It's got booze, it's got girls. Booze and girls equals... I don't know. Do you? I don't know. Do you? I think you do. Do you?

[last lines]

Seth: [to Becca] I had such bad acne last year that I pretty much became, like, an expert on the stuff...

[to Evan]

Seth: You drove m...

[to Becca]

Seth: Evan drove me here though, so...

Jules: Well, so, I mean, I have my dad's car... so I could just give you a lift... and then Evan can take Becca home. If that works... I dunno. If it's in your route.

Becca: It'd be fine with me.

Evan: Fine, yeah. Maybe we could get some food.

Becca: Yeah, I'd like that.

Seth: [to Evan] So, I guess I'll call you.

Evan: Yeah, gimme a call. You have my number.

Seth: I have your information. So, uh, put her there...

[they shake hands]

Evan: Perfect. Good. Alright man.

Seth: Okay.

Evan: Okay guys.

Seth: Becca.

Jules: Bye guys. See ya tomorrow.

Becca: See ya Jules.

[Jules and Seth go off leaving Evan and Becca]

Becca: [drunkenly making out with Evan] I *so* flirt with you in math.

Evan: Tell me about it. I - same-sies.

Evan: Oh my gosh, oh my gosh, It was so pimp, I even offered to pay for the alcohol.

Seth: Oh no, that IS pimp.

Evan: That's what I was afraid of.

Seth: I joined this class because I thought I was going to be cooking with a partner. But she's never here, and I don't get twice the grades for doing all the work.

Teacher: I didn't invent odd numbers, Seth.

Seth: I know, but look at Evan. Just look at him.

Evan: [His partner is tying on his apron] Hey, don't keep me waiting much longer, I'm getting impatient up here.

Seth: I'm over here in my unit, isolated and alone, eating my terrible tasting food, and I have to look over at that. That looks like the most fun I've ever seen in my entire life, and it's B.S. - excuse my language. I'm just saying that I wash and dry; I'm like a single mother. Look, we all know home-ec is a joke - no offense - it's just that everyone takes this class to get an A, and it's bullshit - and I'm sorry. I'm not putting down your profession, but it's just the way I feel. I don't want to sit here, all by myself, cooking this shitty food - no offense - and I just think that I don't need to cook tiramisu. Am I going to be a chef? No. There's three weeks left of school, give me a fuckin' break! I'm sorry for cursing.

Teacher: All right, Jules' partner isn't here either, pair up with her, station four.

Seth: Jules? Alright I'll give it another shot - give home-ec another shot.

Evan: Fogell, I just don't understand why you were smoking cigarettes with those cops.

Fogell: Because I fucking rule! Oh, we are SO gonna get laid tonight!

Seth: I am, I'm gonna get laid.

Evan: Fogell, I don't understand why you we're smoking cigarettes with those cops.

Fogell: Because I fuckin' rule?

Evan: It's not just making them smaller. They completely reshaped them. They make them more supple, symmetrical.

Seth: I gotta catch a glimpse of these warlocks. Let's make a move.

[they run]

Evan: [as Becca forcefully takes off his clothes] Just be careful, because it's a meaningful sweater to me, it's vintage.

Evan: [to Miroki] Good shit, right Miroki?

Evan: You could always subscribe to a site like Perfect Ten. I mean that could be anything, it could be a bowling site.

Seth: Yeah, but it doesn't actually show dick going in which is a huge concern.

Evan: Right, I didn't realize that.

Seth: Besides, have you ever seen a vagina by itself?

Evan: No.

Seth: [shakes his head] Not for me.

Evan: I'm not too worried about it, really. I wouldn't worry about it. Don't worry about it. I'm not worried at all.

Seth: Alright, let's stop this and just go get some dessert.

Evan: No, I can't. I gotta... go meet my counselor, I'm picking out my classes for next year.

Seth: ...what? So I gotta sit here and eat my dessert alone like I'm fuckin' Steven Glansberg?

[points at Glansberg]

Evan: I guess... yeah... I mean, what do you want me to do?

[first lines]

Evan: Yo.

Seth: Hey, man, I was doing some research for next year and I think I figured out which website I wanna subscribe to. The Vag-Tastic Voyage.

Olive Penderghast: You know, the sad thing is, Evan, if you'd been a gentleman and maybe asked me out on a date, I might've said yes.

Evan: Really? Do you wanna go out with me?

Olive Penderghast: Not now I don't, shit-dick.

Evan: Don't get mad, but Brandon told me what you did for him.

Olive Penderghast: [believes he's talking about sex] Ah, well, rest assured it was equally as thrilling for me.

[purrs]

Evan: No, he told me the truth.

[Olive looks at him]

Evan: I was just hoping that maybe you could do the same for me?

Olive Penderghast: Goodbye, Evan.

[turns to go]

Evan: Wait! Wait, I can pay you!

Olive Penderghast: [faces him again] I am about six seconds away from slapping you so hard your *teeth* will bleed!

Evan: [excited] Can you do it in front of everyone?

Norma: It's a good thing that we had a talented daughter!

Evan: I can only hope that she was mine! With you as her mother, her father could be anybody in Actor's Equity!

Evan: Then at lunch she got drunker and drunker and finally she became Joan Collins!

Frank: Today we become men.

Evan: Or vampires.

Tim: Or dead.

Richie: What are you doing tonight?

Evan: I don't know. Nothing. How about you?

Richie: I don't know. Roberta's out of town. I'll probably just go home and blow myself.

[after bumping into each other]

Richie: Well, well, well. What the hell are you doing here?

Evan: What the hell you think I'm doing here?

Richie: Hey, that was quite a joke, really. Really good going!

Evan: Well, I sure as hell didn't think you'd give some bum the keys to your house so you can scare the shit out of your mother!

Richie: You know I could have your license revoked for a stunt like that.

Evan: Well, I wouldn't have done it if you hadn't offered me *three* percent!

Richie: Three percent happened to be a very generous offer! I didn't have to offer you anything!

Evan: They were my quarters!

Richie: It was my machine!

Evan: Don't you touch me!

Richie: I didn't touch you!

Evan: And don't point that finger--!

Richie: I'll point it!

Evan: I'll point too!

Danny Pepper: People seem to think they can do anything they want so long as there's an 'I'm sorry.' Then everything's hunky-dory.

Evan: I didn't say it was honky-dory.

Danny Pepper: It's not honky-dory, it's hunky-dory.

Evan: I thought I said hunky.

Danny Pepper: No you said honky.

Evan: Okay, okay, I'm sorry,

Danny Pepper: See? Again!

[Talking about Richie]

Evan: You know what he's doing now? He's probably in the back of that limo, giving himself a blow job.

Joan: What?

Evan: Oh, yeah. He can blow himself. He's double-jointed.

Joan: [in disgust] Men!

Evan: Caliban's an outsider, like me. I mean, like Ariel. They're both outsiders.

Vivienne Mae: Yeah, good. Exactly. They're both excluded by society. People make up their mind about Caliban because he's different. They think Caliban's a monster. His mother was a witch.

Lewis: You've met Kenny's mum then, Miss?

Vivienne Mae: Fuck off!

Evan: Do you ever feel like an alien? Like sometimes I think I've been stranded on this planet, and that one day they're gonna come and pick me up. Take me back.

Dena: Am I really that ugly, then?

Evan: No.

Dena: Well, what is it then?

[long pause]

Evan: I'm not sure it's... girls I like.

Dena: What? You're... you're a poof?

Evan: [stammers] I just need some time to work it out.

Dena: You've already worked it out, I reckon.

Evan: I'm not ashamed of it.

Dena: I always knew you were different. That's why I liked you, I suppose. Not like the other twats in this school. So, have you told anyone else?

[shakes his head]

Dena: Well, I'm glad you told me.

Evan: So am I.

[gives her a peck on the cheek]

Jack: So when do we all get to meet your fabulous friend Beverly?

Evan: I'll give you her number, I'm not seen with her in public my wife wouldn't like it.

Evan: Theres no sex in your movie, there has to be more sex.

Marvin: No there is some, it's just not obvious

Evan: Pick the lock! I thought you knew Karate?

Jake: What do I know about picking a lock!? I got a yellow belt at the YMCA like 12 years ago!

Abel: I love music. I just wish I didn't need it to pay the bills.

Evan: Yeah, but if you didn't write music what would you do? Right?

Abel: I would buy a cliff.

Evan: Hu?

Abel: I would buy a cliff where people could come and throw shit off. You know, like fax machines and computers or whatever. Things that piss them off cause they didn't work right. Like an outlet for machine rage. And the whole thing would be video taped in slow-motion so they could watch their heap of shit break into a million pieces back at home. Plus, for an extra couple bucks I would attach an explosive so it would blow up on impact. Just like they do in the movies. A big fire ball. That would be cool.

Evan: That's your stress therapy, scaring babies?

Abel: Well I also do breathing exercises.

Evan: Where were you born?

Charlotte: Bethesda, Maryland.

Evan: I've never been there; is it nice?

Charlotte: I don't remember; I was zero at the time.

Evan: Alright, look. I... I don't really... date much.

Charlotte: And you're doing great. So far, since we've been here, you haven't scoped out any other chicks, or stolen my credit card. Which is a lot more than I can say for my last date. So, in my book, you're aces.

Francine: [smoking pot] Where did you get this?

Evan: I found it in my dad's room, actually.

Evan: You know, we should've just taken her to New York.

Francine: No, you know how she loves this outdoors stuff.

Evan: Yeah. If you ask me, though, nature sucks.

Francine: Well, the next time she gets dumped we'll take her to New York.

Evan: I can't believe they called us stoners.

Evan: Okay, you guys go, and we'll just stay here, Francine and...

Scott: And get high.

Evan: Yeah... so?

Francine: Drop your pants.

Evan: What?

Francine: When do people always show up, Evan? What are we doing? Consider it an experiment in probability theory.

Evan: [looking through Francine's car while Francine looks through Chris' car] Goddamnit! Hey? Did you find anything to eat?

Francine: [chewing on a chocolate bar she found] No... no, sorry!

Evan: Scott and Carly took all our frigging sun screen!

[he hears a sound in the woods and goes to check it out]

Francine: [finds a book] Y'know, I think this guy must be some kind of doctor! Maybe we should get him to write us some prescriptions when he gets back.

[lights a cigarette]

Francine: He doesn't have any smokes either. We're almost out... Evan?

[adjusts the mirror to see where Evan was standing; he is no longer there]

Francine: Evan?

[exits car and starts looking around]

Francine: Evan! Where are you? Are you pissing or something?

Evan: Why don't we just wait for someone else to come along?

Jessie: [indicating Chris] What, like Speed Racer here?

Evan: I'd still like to grab coffee or something, sometime. Because I think you're the most attractive person I've ever seen. But that doesn't outweigh that you might be a mental patient and I gotta make sure that you're the kind of crazy I can deal with.

Evan: You don't sound Italian, are you really from around here?

Louise: Not far. I traveled a lot, though. So I sound weird as fuck.

Louise: I understand about half of myself.

Evan: Then you're half magic.

Louise: I'm half undiscovered science, bunch of confusing biochemistry, and some crazy hormones.

Evan: You never got lonely?

Louise: Not since I met you.

Evan: So you've never been in love before?

Louise: I guess not.

Evan: Not in thousands of years?

Louise: I am not a sociopath, okay? I just have really bad luck.

Evan: Vampire, werewolf, zombie, witch or alien?

Evan: [about to duel with John] Where's mine?

John Rotman: Fuck that shit! You don't get one!

Evan: [When he discovers that he's alone in the mansion] This had better be an INCREDIBLE practical joke!

[first lines]

[reading aloud as he writes a note]

Evan: If anyone finds this, it means my plan didn't work and I'm already dead. But if I can somehow go back to the beginning of all of this, I might be able to save her.

Evan: I just thought that you should know.

Kayleigh Miller: Know what?

Evan: That you were happy once... with me.

Kayleigh Miller: You know there's one major hole in your story, there is no fucking way on this planet, nor any other I would ever be in some fucking sorority.

Evan: [Whispering] You were happy there...

Evan: Where's Kayleigh?

Lenny: Who's Kayleigh?

[Evan looks confused]

Lenny: You want me to take you to the doctor?

Evan: No, I think everything's gonna be all right this time.

Evan: [to Kayleigh] I lost you once and I'm not losing you again.

Evan: When we were kids, your dad was making a movie about "Robin Hood" or something...

Kayleigh Miller: What do you want to know, Evan?

Evan: Is... Did he... What happened in the basement?

Kayleigh Miller: Look, it was a long time ago. Is that why you came all the way back here? To ask a lot of stupid questions about "Robin Hood"?

Evan: No, I... I just think something really bad might've happened.

Kayleigh Miller: Is there a point to any of this?

Evan: Look... whatever happened, it wasn't our fault, we were kids. I mean, there is nothing that we could do to have deserved or could've done...

Kayleigh Miller: Just shut up, Evan, you're wasting your breath.

Evan: You can't hate yourself because your dad's a twisted freak.

Kayleigh Miller: Who are you trying to convince, Evan? You come all the way back here to stir up my shit just because you have a bad memory? What? Do you want me to just cry on your shoulder and tell you everything's all better now? Well fuck you, Evan. Nothing's all better, okay? Nothing ever gets better. You know, if I was so wonderful Evan, why didn't you call me? Why did you just leave me here to rot?

[after handless Evan has just tried to commit suicide by drowning himself in the bathtub]

Tommy: You forgot to put the toaster on the ledge.

Evan: Lenny likes Poptarts. You guys are all the better now.

Tommy: I know it's hard but you can't give up.

Evan: I can't even fucking kill myself.

Tommy: Don't talk like that.

[upon discovering his armlessness]

Evan: What the fuck is this?

[Evan visits Kayleigh, who has now become a prostitute]

Kayleigh: So, how's tricks? Sorry, occupational humor.

Evan: I got it.

Evan: Jesus speaks to me in my dreams.

Thumper: Maybe there's a reason you repressed the day some pervert had you in your tighty-whities.

[glances at Evan's journals]

Thumper: I'd think twice about what you're doing. You could wake up a lot more fucked up than you are now.

Evan: More fucked up than I already am? You think you know me? *I* don't know me!

Evan: Yeah, you remember me? We had a nice chat once when I was seven...

[last lines]

[theatrical version]

Evan: I'm just running a little late. Yeah, I had to finish up with the patients. Well, get the soup or something. All right. Love you, mom. Bye-bye.

[In his second college-age timeline, Evan realizes that he has to be unkind to the fraternity pledges, because other fraternity members are watching them]

Evan: Give me the Greek alphabet. Give it to me! "Uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh?" Alpha, beta, gamma, delta, epsilon, zeta, eta, theta, iota, kappa, lambda, mu, nu, xi, omicron, pi, rho, sigma, tau, upsilon, phi, chi, psi, omega, Sir! Maybe that's what it is!

Evan: Are you walking home? Can I walk you?

Evan: Shit, no arms.

[to the neo-Nazi inmates]

Evan: So, should I suck your dick now?

[in the reality where Kayleigh is with Lenny]

Evan: So, do you think it might have worked?

Kayleigh: Yeah... But that's not how things wound up... I'm with Lenny, Lenny is your friend... and that's where it ends.

Evan: Well... Would it make a difference if I told you that no one could possibly ever love anyone as much as I love you?

[Kayleigh looks sympathetic about Evan's feelings]

Evan: ...I'm not saying that, I am just saying it like if you were a girl, would that be something you would want to hear?

Evan: Hey Thumper, you got the time?

Thumper: Whatsa matter, you lost your Rolex? Fuck you frat-boy!

Evan: You're the girl that was with those assholes throwing popcorn at Thumper... and your name is Gwen... I know you.

Gwen: Seriously Evan, lay off the blow.

Evan: [Repeated insult] Fuck Bag.

Kayleigh Miller: Where'd you learn those new tricks?

Evan: What? It... it wasn't... weird... was it?

Kayleigh Miller: Yeah, if you call multiple orgasms weird!

[In college, Evan turns in his psychology exam]

Professor Carter: So, how'd you do, Evan?

Evan: I don't know. I might have got some of the stories mixed up. Was it Pavlov that conditioned his dog to lick his nuts?

Professor Carter: [chuckles] You're a double psych major and a complete wise-ass.