Ernie Quotes in Kill Bill: Vol. 2 (2004)

Ernie: White women call this the silent treatment... and we let 'em think we don't like it.

Ernie: Whoa... look at those eyes. This bitch is furious!

Ernie: [in Ben's defense] This is Ben Grimm here - the first mook from Brooklyn to go into outer space. So pay him some respect.

Ernie: Like my Daddy always said, "If you can't get out of it, get into it."

Logan: I thought your daddy used to say, "If you can't fix it, fuck it."

Ernie: He said that, too.

[discussing two women]

Bobby: Which one do you want?

Ernie: The mean one.

Bobby: You're a sick man.

Ernie: You bet!

Ernie: [to V.I. Warshawski, who's trying to get information from him] Now look, lady. This is Chicago: now everybody knows everything, but nobody knows nothin'.

Ernie: [pretending to be Lola, put mustard and ketchup on a hot dog on a stick so it looks like a face] You're a nobody!

Bernie: [pretending to be Oscar, also put mustard and ketchup on a hot dog on a stick so it looks like a face] No wait! Lola! I'm not a nobody! I'm a weiner!

Bernie: [Ernie just lost at the "Sharkslayer" videogame] You're not doing it right! I told you!

Ernie: I'm doing it!

Bernie: X, circle, X X, double left square, right trigger down, square, square.

Ernie: Oh, double square! Respect!

Bernie: Respect!

Bernie: Ernie, let me ask you a question?

Ernie: Yeah, man?

Bernie: Why is it that we can sting other people, but they have no effect on me or you?

[a tentacle of his brushes and stings Ernie, causing him to fall down screaming and twitching]

Bernie: Ernie! I didn't mean it, Ernie, I didn't mean it, man... Ernie, Ernie, ohh, Ernie...

[Ernie suddenly gets up laughing]

Bernie: Ernie! You made a joke! Good one, man - respect!

Ernie: Respect! Bloatfire!

[they high-five each other]

Ernie: Hello, Sykes' Whale Wash; And the price...

[Sees Don Lino chasing Oscar]

Ernie: OH MY GOSH!

Bernie: Hey, you got it right.

Ernie: [on the phone] Syke's Whale Wash! You get a whale of a wash and the price... eh... is really, really low, considering how good the wash is.

Sykes: It's "oh my gosh!" "You get a whale of a wash, and the price, oh my gosh!"

Ernie: Got it!

[the phone rings, and Ernie answers it]

Ernie: Whale wash!

Bernie: Rhymes with gosh!

[both laugh]

Sykes: [chasing the brothers off] Get out of here, you two! Go be useless someplace else!

Ernie: Oscar!

Bernie: Did you kill that shark?

Oscar: Yeah, Yeah. Exactly how it looked; that's how it is.

Ernie: Hey! Where's Will?

Dr. Rick Marshall: He went to a better place.

Ernie: You killed him?

Dr. Rick Marshall: No.

Ernie: Demon's got it in his head that he's the alpha dog. You've gotta show him who's boss! Bite him on the ear!

Ted: I am not putting any part of that dog in my mouth!

Ernie: I'm the only man to win the Arctic Flame three years in a row.

Ted: Congratulations.

Ernie: But it is kind of an odd prize. Goes to the musher who finishes last.

Ted: In Miami three-times losers go to prison.

Ernie: Come on Bert, what kind of movie has a sad ending?

Bert: Titanic. Titanic had a sad ending.

[first lines]

Ernie: [Ernie hums, then turns to the audience] Hi there everybody! Welcome to the movie. Hey, we're so glad you came. Now...

Bert: [Bert appears, wearing a bath towel and showering cap] Ernie, Ernie.

Ernie: Hm?

Bert: Listen, I'm going to take a shower. Have you seen my antibacterial soap?

Ernie: No, Bert, I haven't.

Bert: Oh, now where did I...?

Ernie: Now, this movie you're about to see is all about Elmo.

Bert: Who are you talking to?

Ernie: The audience, Bert. They're right there.

Bert: Huh?

[Bert walks up to the screen]

Ernie: See?

Bert: Wow, look at all those people!

Ernie: Mm-hmm.

Bert: Hey, nice cardigan!

[Bert laughs, sounding like a sheep baaing]

Ernie: Now, in this movie, Elmo is going to ask for your help. He wants you to talk and play along.

Bert: Uh, how do we start?

Ernie: It's easy: just count backwards from 10.

Bert: Okay.

Ernie: [Ernie whispers to Bert] You see, Bert, that's how you start a movie, Bert.

Bert: Ahh.

Ernie: Can you all help us count backwards from 10?

Kids in audience: Yeah!

Ernie: Ready? Yell real loud!

Ernie, Bert, Kids in audience: [the countdown sequence begins] 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1!

Bert: Whattaya see, Ernie?

Ernie: [points his binoculars at Bert's nose] Your nose, Bert.

[he laughs]

Bert: Ernie! Get serious, will ya? We're supposed to be looking for Big Bird.

Ernie: Right!

Bert: Ernie, I see him!

Ernie: See who, Bert?

Bert: See that yellow spot down there? It's Big Bird!

Ernie: Oh, yeah. That sure looks like a yellow spot, all right.

3rd Grader: Wa-wa-wa-once th-th-th-there wa-wa-wa-was a-a-a-a g-g-girl

Billy Madison: Kid can't even read

Ernie: Cut it out dude your gonna get us in trouble.

Billy Madison: T-T-T-TODAY JUNIOR!

Billy Madison: You fallin' in love with the wall or somethin?

Ernie: I had an accident.

Billy Madison: You had an accident? What's that supposed to mean - GOO!

Ernie: What kind of fish?

Max Fischer: Barracuda, stingrays, electric eels, trout, hammerheads, piranha, giant squid, octopi...

Herman Blume: Piranhas? Really?

Max Fischer: Yes, I'm talking to a guy in South America.

Ernie: Mr. Carson's last year as team owner, he must be really depressed.

Bob Carson: Oh boy, Fish, look a decoder ring... I got it out of the Cracker Jack box... look it fits on your finger.

Larry Fisher: Yeah, yeah, that's great, Uncle Bob.

[Whispers to assistant]

Larry Fisher: That man is turning into a cracker jack.

Lars: I don't believe it. He snapped the trap, ate the olive and left the pit just to mock us!

Ernie: I think you're giving him a little too much credit. Mice don't mock. They don't have a sense of humor or irony. He's not sitting in his hole in a smoking jacket sipping cognac, and giggling to himself, "I left the pit!" The trap snapped itself, the olive flew off and he ate it. It's just that simple. But now that he knows we're here, he won't come within a mile of us. I don't think we'll be seeing any more of that...

[sees mouse in cereal bowl]

Ernie: MOUSE!

[the mouse is lying helpless in front of the two Smuntzes]

Lars: Look, he's still breathing.

Ernie: Well, kill him! Find a blunt object!

[Lars grabs a fireplace shovel and raises it over the mouse]

Ernie: Let him have it!

[Lars tries several times, but can't]

Ernie: What the hell are you waiting for?

Lars: I can't just hit him with a shovel.

Ernie: Why not?

Lars: Well, look at him, he's pathetic!

Ernie: Pathetic? He's Hitler with a tail! This is The Omen with whiskers! Nostradamus didn't see this thing coming!

Lars: Ernie, he's a living thing...

Ernie: Not for long, give me that!

[He grabs the shovel and tries to whack the mouse, but can't]

Ernie: I CAN'T!

[He sobs, beating his own forehead with the shovel]

Ernie: Look at him just lying there. It just doesn't feel very sportsmanlike!

Lars: We'd better do something quick, I think he's coming to!

[Cut to Lars and Ernie driving to the Post Office. Ernie is holding a small box addressed "TO FIDEL CASTRO, HAVANA, CUBA." Scratching is heard inside the box, and Ernie raises it to his ear]

Ernie: Aw... I forgot to put holes in the box.

[Ernie chuckles evilly. At the Post Office, they drop the box through a slot and watch it slide down the mail chute]

Ernie: Hasta la vista, you little rat bastard!

Ernie: I don't think we're dealing with an ordinary mouse.

Ernie: No capers? But that's just grilled cheese. What's the point? Why don't they eat out of a trough!

[addressing the clients of the diner]

Ernie: Which one of you palateless sheep sent my sandwich back?

Ernie: [to Lars] Come on. You loved string!

Lars: I didn't love string!

Ernie: Well, you could have fooled me! You and Pop were always huddled together running some piece of something through your fingers. It didn't matter what I did. I didn't even exist! I made him my special rack of lamb for his 70th birthday.

Lars: [sighing in resignation] Oh, no!

Ernie: Yes! You remember. I slaved over that meal, making sure everything was perfect. Did he say, "Thanks, Ernie, it was delicious"? No. He only noticed the string I had tied it with.

Ernie: [making speech and as he does, the mouse is within the podium. Ernie tries to crush it with the gavel, and shouts words as he hits the gavel] When Quincy Thorpe of the Historical Society told us the value of this house, you, uh, could have KNOCKED us over with a feather! We, uh, we didn't know what HIT US! The house was in terrible disrepair, but it was nothing that a few NAILS... and some old fashioned elbow grease couldn't fix.

[first lines]

Lars: [at their father's funeral, they carry his coffin down the steps of a cathedral] Hold your end up higher, you're not holding it.

Ernie: I am too.

Lars: You are not.

Ernie: Don't worry about me. Hey, isn't that suit charcoal?

Lars: No.

Ernie: Looks charcoal gray to me, some gray polyester blend. Couldn't even find a black suit for your own father's funeral.

Lars: It's black.

Ernie: No, I'm sure it's gray.

Lars: It's black.

Ernie: Gray.

Lars: Black.

Ernie: Gray.

Lars: Black!

Ernie: Fine, it's black. It's the grayest black I've ever seen.

Lars: It doesn't matter what color it is!

[the handle on the coffin breaks off and the coffin slides down the steps]

Lars: I'm sorry, Pop! I'm sorry!

[Ernie takes a shotgun off the wall]

Lars: What are you gonna do?

Ernie: I'm gonna kill that unspeakable thing once and for all.

Lars: Ernie, no, no...

Ernie: Stay back, Lars! I'm a man on a mission!

Lars: This is how accidents happen, come on, Ernie, just put the gun down...

Ernie: I'm gonna blow his furry little head off, and I'm gonna splatter his devious little mouse brain from here to kingdom come!

[the Smuntzes have covered the entire kitchen floor with mousetraps]

Lars: Don't you think this is a little much?

Ernie: Never underestimate your opponent. Let's say he has mastered a way to empty a mousetrap without getting caught. If he snaps one of these babies, a chain reaction will start snapping them all. He'll panic, and the law of averages says one of them has to nab him.

Lars: Not bad.

Ernie: Yes, well, I like to use both sides of my brain. Come on, let's hit the sack.

[they get up to leave, only to realize they locked the door and that they are all trapped in with a bunch of loaded mousetraps]

Ernie: He's Hitler with a tail. He's "The Omen" with whiskers. Even Nostradamus didn't see him coming!

Lars: Well, these are all kittens. We were hoping for an older cat, one with experience.

Maury, the Cat Care Society Owner: That's a switch. Most people like the cute little ones. Experience with what?

Ernie: Mouse-hunting.

Maury, the Cat Care Society Owner: Oh, all cats are good mousers.

Ernie: Yes, but you see, we have huge rats, the size of sumo wrestlers, and lots of 'em, so we really need a ferocious feline, preferably one with a history of mental illness. I'm talkin' one mean pussy.

Lars: Yeah! A vicious cat, difficult to love. You got any of those knocking around your cages?

Maury, the Cat Care Society Owner: Funny you should ask. I had given up hope of anyone wanting him. We were about to gas him again.

Lars, Ernie: "Again"?

Ernie: [bowing to the Sheik at the auction] Hakuna Matata.

Ernie: [speaking in a fake French accent while serving the Mayor and his wife] Duck a l'Orange avec du quack sauce. And for ze Mayor, la specialty de la maison, Lobster Loaf a la Ernst ou la bibliotheque.

Lars: [Ernie's in the hospital after being hit by a bus] Ernie, are you okay? I came as soon as I heard.

Ernie: Why are you wearing a pink overcoat?

Lars: Because April gave us the 1200 dollars!

Lars: Look! You blew a hole in the floor!

Ernie: And I distinctly remember somebody yelling, "Shoot! Shoot!"

Lars: Yeah, well you never listened to me before!

Ernie: Hey! Don't go!

[indicationg the flood in the house]

Ernie: A demonstration of how durable a LaRue really is! Now you know this house will last *forever*!

[the house crashes down]

Alexander: I own eveything of LaRue. His books, his letters.

[signifies shoes]

Alexander: You see these shoes?

Ernie, Lars: LaRue's?

Alexander: No, but I'm sure he would have loved them.

Lars: Wow, did you feel that?

Ernie: What?

Lars: I got a chill. You should never talk about Pop like that.

Ernie: Really? What's this do for you?

[shouting]

Ernie: Thanks for nothing, you string-sucking old loon!

Lars: He didn't mean it, Pop.

Lars: Some things are more important than money, Ernie.

Ernie: Notice it's always the financially challenged who say that?

Ernie: [after releasing the cat into the house] Well... I almost feel sorry for the little fella.

[pause]

Ernie, Lars: Almost!

[laugh]

Ernie: [reading the tag on the side of the cage] "Catzilla"?

Maury, the Cat Care Society Owner: Oh, you know the guys who clean up call him that. But you can call him anything you want. I'd say he looks more like a "Fluffy."

Lars: [leans down] Aw, poor little Catzilla. You want a home, don't you? You want to get out of here. Well, you're gonna have to kill, kill, kill for it!

Ernie: You're a stupid cat, aren't you? Yes, you are! And you're ugly, too...

[the cat lunges, Maury subdues him with a taser]

Lars: [noticing his torn coat sleeve] Oh, you little bastard!

Ernie: We'll take him!

Ernie: [to a female passerby] Hey, merry Christmas.

[she ignores him and keeps walking]

Ernie: Yeah, I was on top once, too. But there's only one way to go from there, and that's down, baby, down!

Ernie: I'm gonna build an Olympic-sized swimming pool and fill it with pina coladas and a college sorority.

Ernie: Shh! He's goin' for the cherries!

Lars: I thought you said mice like Gouda.

Ernie: Not in the morning! Cheese tires them out. They need fruit for energy.

Ernie: Just think of all the trouble we could have saved ourselves if we just threw fruit at him in the first place!

Ernie: [Ernie is being bombarded by angry factory workers] Light a match; they're frightened by fire!

Ernie: [Caesar is being carried out on a stretcher] Caeser! Are you all right? Try to think, did you catch that mouse?

Caesar: What's that? Horse? *Fiendish*! I won't eat it!

[he has lost his mind]

Caesar: Aaaagh!

[he begins chattering like a mouse]

Ernie: I like to use both sides of my brain

April Smuntz: Does a wife need a reason to visit?

[takes champagne glass from passing waiter]

April Smuntz: I didn't know you were entertaining.

Ernie: Don't you mean *ex*wife?

April Smuntz: That remains to be seen.

Lars: You think I didn't have other things I wanted to do with my life? You think I didn't have ambitions of my own?

Ernie: Ambitions?

[laughs]

Ernie: Come on, you love string!

Lars: Ah, you must be Caesar.

Ernie: Hello, Mr. Caesar. Glad you could come so quickly.

Caesar: Shh.

[has a quick look-around]

Caesar: You have mice.

Lars: [under his breath] He's good.

Ernie: I hate you!

Lars: And I hate you!

Ernie: Not as much as I hate you!

Lars: Yeah!

Ernie: Yeah, DOUBLE! DOUBLE! Oh, give me something!

[Starts looking for something to throw. Lars grabs an orange]

Ernie: I'm gonna brain you!

Lars: 'Ere it is!

Ernie: Oh, yeah! Give it to me then! Go ahead!

[Lars throws the orange. Ernie ducks and the orange hits the mouse, who was watching. Ernie spots the mouse]

Ernie: [Almost relieved] You killed him!

[the Smuntzes get covered in sewage in trying to suck up the mouse with a vacuum, only to get it attached to the sewage line. Meanwhile, they also receive a notice from the bank about the house being foreclosed]

Ernie: [seeing the notice] What's this?

The Banker: We're foreclosing on your house. You quit paying your mortgage.

Ernie: Oh, wait a minute, I think there's been some mistake. This house is paid for.

The Banker: No, it *was* paid for, but you borrowed against it. If you don't pay the $1,200 overdue, we repossess it.

Lars: [in disbelief] Twelve hundred dollars?

Ernie: How long do we have?

The Banker: One week from, uh, five days ago.

Ernie: [shocked] That's two days! Look, we don't have the time or the energy to deal with these petty problems now. We're in the midst of an extensive renovation.

The Banker: [noticing that they're covered in sewage] Looks like you're off to a great start.

Ernie: [mailing the mouse to Cuba] Hasta la vista, you little rat bastard!

Daniel McMann: I love to drink, Ernie.

Ernie: Yeah?

Daniel McMann: Yeah, it makes ya feel good. Is that why people drink?

Ernie: Some to be happy, some to forget, some to be brave.

Daniel McMann: Ya know, I feel really brave, Ernie.

Ernie: No, only cowards get brave that way.

Women on picket line: [chanting] The miners, united, will never be defeated.

Andy: Poor old biddies. Don't they know they're pissing in the wind, like the rest of us?

Ernie: Can they do that, women?

Andy: What?

Ernie: Piss in the wind.

Jim: No, Ernie. That's just the point.

Ernie: No, but on a nice day, you know, when there's no wind about. They can't - you know - get any direction on it.

Jim: All right, whatever it is that lasses do that's pointless.

Andy: Bloody hell. So much to choose from.

Phil: Fart in a force ten?

Jim: By god, Phil, you don't half know some funny women.

Harry: Steady lads. My missus does that.

All: [guffaw]

Harry: You daft bastards. Women Against Closure? That is when she's not farting in a force ten!

Halifax Judge: [Ernie takes the trophy anyway] Oy, he said he wasn't accepting it!

Ernie: Don't talk so bloody soft.

Andy: I'm not a kid any more, Jim, right?

Jim: Oh, aye. Old enough to be a scab then?

Ernie: It's all right, Andy. He doesn't mean it.

Andy: You don't mess around with words like that.

Jim: Aye, I'm sorry, Andy. I take it back. You're just a stupid fucker.

Andy: That's more like it.

Aunt Ida: Oh, Ernie! Have another pretzel for Chrissakes! Wait 'til you meet my little Gater. You two are gonna fall right in love.

Ernie: My dear, I hope so. Are you sure he's gay?

Aunt Ida: Well I just use common sense. I mean, if they're smart they're queer, and if they're stupid they're straight, right Earnie? Are you sure you won't have another pretzel?

Ernie: I'm sure, Miss Thing, I'm sure. Pretzels give you plaque.

Gator: Hello, Aunt Ida.

Aunt Ida: Gater, what a coincidence! There's somebody here dying to meet you! Ernie, this is Gater; Gater, this is Ernie!

Ernie: Hi, stud!

Gator: Get him outta here!

Aunt Ida: Gater Nelson, you be polite to Ernie! He wants a date with you!

Gator: Well, I don't want a date with him. I came to say goodbye, Aunt Ida. I'm moving to Detroit.

Aunt Ida: WHAT?

Gator: I want to be near the auto in-duss-try. I'm sick of hairdressing, and besides, Dawn had me fired.

Ernie: I can get you a job at the baths, Mary!

Gator: Look, fucker, take a walk!

Ernie: Well!

Gator: Look, you better beat it before I punch your fuckin' face out that window.

Ernie: No gay knocks for me, Ida! At best, all you've got here is trade.

Aunt Ida: Oh, Gater! Ernie's your type! Move back in with me, and we'll get you a job as a female impersonator!

Ernie: His hands are too big, dahling. Bye, Gater. It was... fab meeting you!

Gator: Fuck you! You're worse than my wife!

Ernie: I think we better pull over, 'cause we need some gas soon.

Tommy Spinelli: Keep fucking driving.

Fern: Didn't I tell you to watch your fucking language?

Ernie: Are you telling us that you're gonna find a replacement for the head Charlie lost?

Tommy Spinelli: [looking through a year book] Yeah. We got some time to kill before we go to the airport.

Steve: But these are human beings. Innocent people. You can't just kill innocent people because they look like somebody else.

Tommy Spinelli: Let me tell you something, college boy, nobody is innocent. Now who is he?

Steve: He's my anatomy professor. He almost flunked me.

Tommy Spinelli: Good. Here's your chance to get even with the prick. Get me his address.

Steve: Alrighty.

Tommy Spinelli: Alright, grab all the heads. Just leave the top one.

Ernie: Why?

Tommy Spinelli: Because the top one doesn't look like anybody and Big Sep will never buy it. Now come on.

Steve: Wait a minute. I sawed off this head and you're not even gonna use it?

Ernie: Steve, chill.

Steve: No, you chill. I spent alot of time on this head. Don't you think you could have at least told me this before I cut it off?

[Tommy slaps him in back of the head]

Ernie: Ooh. I saw that coming.

Tommy Spinelli: Don't ever fuck with a guy looking for heads.

Steve: Heads up! Stop a-head. Anybody need to use the head?

Ernie: Steve...

Steve: Oh, don't let it go to your head. Whoa, whoa, whoa, you're _way_ ahead of me!

Ernie: Steve! Enough!

Steve: Hey, don't bite my head off, alright!

Ernie: That's it. I'm sleeping outside, guys.

Annette: Me, too.

Charlie: Hey, Steve; GET A GRIP. Go to sleep.

Steve: Or what? You'll have my head?

Ernie: Tell me if this sounds like a phone hanging up.

[Hangs up phone]

Tommy Spinelli: Yeah... SHIT!

Steve: This is like grave robbing - grave robbing. Or worse.

Ernie: I don't see any graves. Do you see any graves?

Tommy Spinelli: [Cocks gun] There's going to be two fresh ones right now if you don't start looking for heads. Come on.

Ernie: Okay, let's review: you've got a Hugo, a Little Joey, a Frank, a bad Stu...

Tommy Spinelli: No, bad Frank.

Ernie: That's what I said.

Tommy Spinelli: No you didn't. You said bad Stu. Stu was just so-so.

Ernie: No, sir, I said a so-so Stu.

Tommy Spinelli: You did not. You said bad Stu!

Ernie: Yes I did and everybody heard! I said a so-so Stu!

Tommy Spinelli: You said bad Stu!

Ernie: I know the names and you don't...

[Arguing continues]

Steve: Would you two stop it, goddammit! These are not baseball cards we're talking about here. These are heads! Human beings' heads!

Ernie: This university has the largest cryonics facility in the country. They've got hundreds of frozen heads.

Tommy Spinelli: Why do they got hundreds of frozen heads?

Ernie: [sarcastically] I think for, uh, situations like this.

Tommy Spinelli: Hey don't be a little smart ass, you!

Ernie: Look, they have them because people feel that maybe in a couple hundred years, we can bring them back to life, clone them a nice, healthy body.

Tommy Spinelli: Are you jerking me around?

Ernie: What? Oh my God. You just put welts and bruises over 90% of my body and now you're talking about having me help you decapitate some professor. WOULD I BE JERKING YOU AROUND?

Ernie: [roasting the coyote that ran away with a head] This doggy wont be doin' any more running away, I got him trained

Ernie: And remember, once you go out those doors, don't stop to think about what you feel. Because once you stop to think about what you feel, you doubt what you know. And once you doubt what you know, you're gonna assume you don't know it. Why? Because you don't act on it. Once you know what you know, you act on it.

Rocky: Let me tell you something: It's the sensitive guy that gets the needy woman.

Ernie: Yeah, well it's the worm that gets the hooker.

Ernie: You were never able to take criticism either.

Jeannie: I think it depends on how it's given.

Ernie: There's no easy way to give it. It's like medicine. You just take it... if you really wanna get better.

Ernie: They're good, your boys. They're beautiful.

Jeannie: I'm very lucky.

Ernie: Sometimes luck has nothing to do with it.

Jeannie: [after Ernie has berated Ethan and forced him to leave] He's just beginning it, Dad. It's a very difficult piece.

Ernie: [Angrily] If you learn it wrong, it's twice as difficult.

Jeannie: He's playing for enjoyment. He's not planning on being a professional.

Ernie: Well, the, guess it doesn't matter how he plays. You were never able to take criticism either.

Jeannie: I think it depends on how it's given.

Ernie: There's no easy way to give it. It's like medicine. You just gotta take it if you want to get better.

old woman at retirement home: Are you moving in, Hon, or just visiting?

Ernie: We're all just visiting.

Jeannie: [Solicitously at the dinner table] Do you want some salad, Dad? You must be hungry; you haven't eaten all day.

Ernie: [Sourly] I need my shit kit.

Vic Spanner: [there is anger at the loss of the tea round] It's another a little prod at the very vitals of your personal freedom.

Chloe Moore: I never noticed anyone prodding at my vitals!

Ernie: Good for you, Chloe.

Willie: Any time for you, Chloe!

Ernie: Listen: writers - when they're alone, they're prophetic; when they're with people, they're pathetic. They're just too in their heads.

Ernie: I knew it was just a matter of time before you walked out and left me alone here living my dreary life. You know, looks fading, withering away on the vine, everyday a step closer to the grave.

Ernie: [knocking on Xander's door] I got some apple dumplings out here. Come on out.

Xander: I'm kind of busy in here.

Ernie: Phone sex? Better wear a condom. You can never be too safe.

Ernie: [knocking on Xander's door] Xander?

Xander: [to Blaine on the phone] Hang on.

Xander: [calling to Ernie] What's up?

Ernie: Oh, I think we all know the answer to that question.

Xander: Okay, let me rephrase it: What can I help you with?

Ernie: Oh, just tell the hottie, that if he's tired of youth, then experience is just down the hall and past the credenza.

Xander: Mm-hm. Will do.

Xander: We drank, then went on back to his place where I puked and passed out.

Ernie: Oh, God. The good old days.

Xander: [seeing Ernie's tears] Did you miss the fact that this is a horror film and they all got slaughtered by a homicidal maniac?

Ernie: Oh, I don't know. It's just the irony of it, you know? Don't you see that it's the tragic end of youth and beauty that's caused by the ugliness and bitterness of an empty heart. Hey, it's a god-damn masterpiece.

Xander: Well, now that you mention it...

Ernie: Yeah, it's like Sweeney Todd without the music... or Angela.

Chief of Police Cecil Tolliver: Son, I'm afraid I'm going to have to take that tape.

Ernie: What about the First Amendment?

Chief of Police Cecil Tolliver: Fuck the First Amendment.

Sheriff Walt Fuller: What are you doing?

Ernie: I thought we were doing puns.

Sheriff Walt Fuller: No... Why would we we be doing puns?

Red: These walls are funny. First you hate 'em, then you get used to 'em. Enough time passes, you get so you depend on them. That's institutionalized.

Heywood: Shit. I could never get like that.

Ernie: Oh yeah? Say that when you been here as long as Brooks has.

Red: Goddamn right. They send you here for life, and that's exactly what they take. The part that counts, anyway.

[after Brooks held a knife to Heywood's throat]

Andy Dufresne: I just don't understand what happened in there.

Heywood: Old man's crazy as a rat in a tin shithouse, is what.

Red: Oh Heywood, that's enough out of you!

Ernie: I heard he had you shittin' in your pants!

Heywood: Fuck you!

Red: Would you knock it off? Brooks ain't no bug. He's just... just institutionalized.

Heywood: Institutionalized, my ass.

Red: The man's been in here fifty years, Heywood. Fifty years! This is all he knows. In here, he's an important man. He's an educated man. Outside, he's nothin'! Just a used up con with arthritis in both hands.

Tony Montana: [after disposing of Frank Lopez and Mel Berstein] Okay, come on.

Manny Ribera: What about Ernie?

[long pause]

Tony Montana: You want a job, Ernie?

Ernie: [breathes sigh of relief] Sure, Tony.

Ernie: [referring to the TV] I need some sleep. You turn that damn thing on again, I'll beat the Jesus out of you.

Brad Whitewood Jr.: There ain't no Jesus in me, Ernie.

Ernie: Dying is something you have no control over. Why waste your life being afraid of it?

Dr. Mark Powell: What happened?

Ernie: My good friend Howie... he, he just about strangled me to death.

Dr. Mark Powell: What?

Ernie: Son of a bitch I love him!

[last lines]

Ernie: Hey old buddy, I'm going to take off.

Tully: Hey, stick around. Talk awhile.

Ernie: Ok.

[last lines]

Man at End of Bar: Hey Ernie? Put that pepper steak on for me, will ya? And a hamburger for the lady.

Ernie: How do ya want that?

Man at End of Bar: How you want it, honey?

Marsha Quist: [smiles] Rare.

[repeated line]

Ernie: Welcome to Potters Bluff!

Harry: I was just telling these guys about that accident last night. Find out who that guy was?

Dan Gillis: Not a thing. No ID. No license plates. No nothing.

Ernie: Dan, old buddy, with that fancy salary the city of Potters Bluff pays you, and the amount of money the state spends getting you educated, you ought to be able to find some clues.

Herman: If you can't solve a traffic accident, what are you gonna do if a crime happens?

Harry: Now boys, don't be riding Danny too hard. He's out to lead this town. We're lucky to have him. A Masters Degree in Criminology. Big cities fighting over him, and he comes back to his old home town to help us poor folks out.

Ernie: It feels like my insides are on fire.

Ernie: They say the same face can turn up on different people. Isn't that so?

Guy: Why do you do this to yourself? Don't even get paid, risk getting arrested, for what?

Ernie: You don't know?

Guy: No.

Ernie: The Nod.

Guy: The Nod?

Ernie: Happens to me at least once every party. Some guy comes up to me and says "Thank you for making this happen... I needed this. This really meant something to me." And they nod... and I nod back.

Guy: [scoffs] ... That's it?

Ernie: That's it.

Ernie: Guy, if there's one thing you learn tonight, I hope it's this: The shit ain't over 'till the last record spins.

[the party organizers are discussing the area surrounding their warehouse]

Guy: Oh, wait a minute, I got one more thing.

Ernie: What's that?

Guy: Police station's three blocks away.

Ernie: Remember: no obstacles... only challenges.

Ernie: Now, what can I do for you this beautiful day?

Gracie Nolan: You can put lots of ice cream in my chocolate soda.

Ernie: Alright, and you...?

Tommy Flynn: Oh, I'll have a nut sundae.

Ernie: Very appropriate. Just a moment.

Tommy Flynn: That is, if you have any nuts?

Ernie: Oh, we've got plenty of nuts.

Tommy Flynn: Hey, son, hey, how about them drinks?

Ernie: That'll be 30 birds feet, Mr. Rockefeller.

Tommy Flynn: For what?

Ernie: For what? Well, if Mrs. Flynn's only son isn't getting dumb. A nut sundae and a chocolate soda adds up to 30 whole pennies.

Tommy Flynn: Well, there must be some mistake, good man. All I owe is 15 cents for the soda. I didn't order the nut sundae.

Ernie: Well, hit me with a Mack truck!

Doug: Ernie, you want a doughnut?

Ernie: I'd rather have the money instead!

Man with Cigars: [Puts his arm around Ramon who is a foot shorter than him] Well I like you. Tomorrow at noon, you may climb me.

Ernie: [laughing] Come on. He ain't that short.

Man with Cigars: Oh yeah? Well then how come he spent last month dangling from my car mirror?