Ernest P. Worell Quotes in Ernest Saves Christmas (1988)

Harmony Star: Hey, Ernest, how did it go?

Ernest P. Worell: It worked great. Victory is at hand. Now we have to move onto what I like to call "Plan B."

Ernest P. Worell: What we have here is a failure to accumulate.

Ernest P. Worell: [quietly] Santa Claus.

Mary Morrissey: What did you say?

Ernest P. Worell: His name is Santa Claus!

[children giggle]

Ernest P. Worell: That's it. Yuck it up. He happens to be a close, personal friend of mine. Nyah-nyah-nyah-nyah-nyah. Fifth graders think they know everything.

Ernest P. Worell: Ahh, smell those Christmas trees. You can keep your 'Channel' Number 5, just give me a whiff of the old lonesome pine. That symbol of brotherly love, that centerpiece that all mankind gathers around to share the cranberry sauce shaped like a can.

Film Studio Gate Guard: [advances toward's Ernest's truck to see what is under the tarp in back] I'd better have a look.

Ernest P. Worell: [disguised as a snake rancher, referring to the venomous "snakes" under the tarp] Careful, now... them be "pisin"!

[lunges at the guard, who gasps and winces]

Ernest P. Worell: "Pisin" snakes! One minute, you be a strappin' young man like yerself, an' the next...

[imitates a snake's fangs with his fingers]

Ernest P. Worell: SNAP!

[swipes his "fangs" at the guard, who again gasps and winces]

Ernest P. Worell: Yer dead meat!

Ernest P. Worell: Hey! Listen, I gotta get these reindeer down to the children's museumm, like, five minutes ago, you know what I mean?

Chuck: Elms?

Ernest P. Worell: No. Ernest.

Chuck: Your name ain't Elms?

Ernest P. Worell: No. Ernest.

Chuck: We're holding these reindeer for a guy named "Helper Elms". Now, we've got some REAL good questions, and he'd better have some REAL good answers.

Ernest P. Worell: Look, it's a long story, but before I tell you, let me ask you something. Do you believe in Santa Claus?

Chuck: [eyes the flying reindeer on the ceiling] Somehow... I knew this question was going to come up.

Ernest P. Worell: I am one with the Yuletide, know what I mean?

Ernest P. Worell: [gesturing to Santa's sack] You better check it out.

Santa Claus, aka 'Seth Applegate': Why?

Ernest P. Worell: Call it... Uh, a fifth sense. Call it a flash of intermission, but I just got this feeling deep down in the heart of my bottom.

Ernest P. Worell: You know, I don't tell many people this, but Christmas is just about my favorite time. Ever since I was a little kid, I always felt like it was my own personal holiday.

Harmony Star: There's no such thing! Think about it: a guy who flies around the whole world in one night. It just doesn't quite correspond to the laws of time and travel.

Ernest P. Worell: Now, now, now, now, now, it's possible. You take the International Date Line, multiply it by the Time Zones, divided by the accelerated rotation of the earth... uh, carry the 1, and, uh, allowing for the Vernal Equinox on the Tropic of Cancer, he might just pull it off.

Ernest P. Worell: No, there's only one person authorized to operate this sack. His big, red, oneness: The Claus.

Santa Claus, aka 'Seth Applegate': This is Ernest. I'm Santa Claus.

[odd silence]

Ernest P. Worell: Surprised?

Harmony Star: Uh, no. No, not - not really.

Ernest P. Worell: [disguised as a snake rancher, referring to the venomous snakes in the back of his truck] Ya want one fer yer boy? I gave one to my boy last year...

[removes his hat]

Ernest P. Worell: [singing] Rock of ages... a-cleft fer me... let me hide myself in thee... That's all these movie people want..."pisin"!

Santa Claus, aka 'Seth Applegate': [after Ernest has just finished driving suicidally on the freeway and busted a window to rescue one] I take it you really needed a tree?

Ernest P. Worell: Nah, I've already got one at home, but I've got a friend that I think could use one, besides it'd be a shame if the little guy didn't have a home for the holiday.

Santa Claus, aka 'Seth Applegate': It's rare to meet someone with such Christmas spirit.

Harmony Star: [after Ernest gets fired] Ernest, it was a dead end job anyway, it's nowhere working for a guy like that.

Ernest P. Worell: If there hadn't been children present, it might have been a very ugly scene indeed.

Harmony Star: Why didn't you just tell him you were robbed? This all could have been avoided if you'd just lied!

Ernest's Boss: [tosses Ernest's tree out of the door after him, knocking him down] Merry Christmas!

[laughs sadistically as Ernest lies face down on the pavement]

Harmony Star: Ernest, you are in serious need of help.

Ernest P. Worell: [Vern opens the door] Ho ho ho, Vern! Merry

[Vern slams the door on him]

Harmony Star: I thought you said this guy was your friend.

Ernest P. Worell: Oh Vern's just like that, he'll do anything for a laugh. Come on!

Ernest P. Worell: [first lines; singing as he drives a taxi] Oh, Christmas tree, oh Christmas tree, oh Christmas tree, oh Chriiistmas tree.

[repeats over and over... and over]

Cab Passenger: Hey, could you hurry it up? I've got a flight to catch!

Ernest P. Worell: [disguised as Marty Brock's mother] Don't try to defend him, honey, there's no future in it.

Ernest P. Worell: [after getting out of the taxi] That'll be $32.50.

Santa Claus, aka 'Seth Applegate': Here you go.

Ernest P. Worell: [notices the money] Hey, uh, this ain't real.

Santa Claus, aka 'Seth Applegate': What?

Ernest P. Worell: This money carries the likeness of one...

[with funny faces]

Ernest P. Worell: "Mr. Funtime".

Santa Claus, aka 'Seth Applegate': Well I don't understand. I don't have much use for currency but I do like to keep some on hand, I just... oh my... last year, a 5 year old boy asked for a Mr. Funtime grocery store, I included a rather large amount of... play money. I suppose I must've gotten the two confused.

Harmony Star: Dum de dum dum.

Harmony Star: [jumping into Ernest's cab and making him speed away from the restaurant where she skipped out on the bill] You see that guy back there? That's my mean uncle, he makes me work in his restaurant like a slave, he keeps me in the basement where there's rats and filth,and I finally just escaped, so please don't let him get me!

Ernest P. Worell: [John Wayne voice] Well no need to fret, young lady, you're safe with us.

Harmony Star: ...Thanks. By the way, my name's Harmony Star, remember that name, I'm going to be famous someday.

Santa Claus, aka 'Seth Applegate': Oh this is Ernest, I'm Santa Claus.

Ernest P. Worell: Surprised?

Harmony Star: Uh, no, no not, not really.

Ernest P. Worell: Vern throws the greatest Christmas parties, of course we're a little early so we can help him decorate and set up the food. Maybe he'll have finger sandwiches and cheese balls and bean dip!

Harmony Star: Well I hope he's got something I can eat and not just a lot of white sugar and red meat. You know I think red meat makes people overly aggressive and makes them like, kill people and stuff, knowhutImean?

Ernest P. Worell: You're right as rain, pudding, pork's my meat.

Ernest P. Worell: You know, I don't want to insult you being we've just met and all, but you kind of remind me of somebody.

Santa Claus, aka 'Seth Applegate': Santa Claus?

Ernest P. Worell: I guess you get that a lot, huh?

Santa Claus, aka 'Seth Applegate': Well it's to be expected.

Ernest P. Worell: Because you look like him?

Santa Claus, aka 'Seth Applegate': Because I am him.

Ernest P. Worell: Because you am him.

[looks back confusedly]

Ernest P. Worell: [suspended in mid-air in Santa's sleigh which has run out of power] Nobody moves, nobody dies.

[one of the elves sneezes and the sleigh drops]

Ernest P. Worell: Santa's in the slammer! We gotta get him out! Is vagrancy a capital crime?

Ernest's Boss: You're always pullin' this stuff, Ernest! Knockin' down the meters, giving free rides to every hobo you come across!

Ernest P. Worell: But Mr. Dillis, this wasn't just some hobo, this guy was different! Call it clairvoyance, call it extra-sensitory perspiration... I just had this hunch!