Eric Quotes in The Mortal Instruments: City of Bones (2013)

[from trailer]

Eric: Clary? Wow! You look... different.

Clary Fray: I... I can't talk right now. Sorry.

Eric: Let's not question our flesh for wanting to remain flesh.

Morgana: This bodice is too tight, I'll have to stop.

Eric: What's a bodice?

Eric: Still afraid?

Morgana: No. I'm worth much more alive than dead. Are you?

Eric: I didn't steal you away just to give you to another man.

Morgana: Do you know which of the oceans is the widest?

Eric: The Poisoned Sea.

Morgana: No. The ocean between a Christian and a heathen.

Eric: [takes her hand] Our hands can reach across it as easily as that.

Eric: [Holds out his right arm showing he his hand was cut off] This was my thanks from Aiella for allowing Ragnar to die like a Viking!

Eric: Why did he hesitate?

Capt. Don Graham: How do you know the solution to everything isn't right here, right in front of us?

Eric: Because nothing in front of us is real. It doesn't exist.

Capt. Don Graham: [Upon breathing the atmosphere] Fresh as any man could hope for.

Eric: It sure is an effective way to invite us outside.

[pauses]

Eric: Get your guns.

Eric: We're going to pay that mirage a little visit.

Eric: We never should have followed that bitch in here.

Morgan: Quiet, barnacle. It was those land-lubbers that led us into this trap.

[Darius. and the soldiers plan to rescue Talon from Cromwell's dungeon]

Elizabeth: Let me go with you.

[Darius shakes his head]

Elizabeth: I know the way into the castle.

Darius: Tell me the way.

Elizabeth: I beg you, let me take you to him.

[Darius agrees]

Darius: Take a sword.

[Next scene: The soldiers have all been captured]

Eric: We should never have followed that wench in here.

Eric: Those things are vampires! We need crucifixes, garlic, silver, holy water, and Christopher Lee!

Ray Macguire: No, you soppy tart, those things are fucking zombies!

Eric: I suppose a fuck's out of the question?

David: [sarcastically] Good luck

Eric: [snaps] yeah... and fuck you too

David: [snaps back] and your mother

Eric: We'll lose a lot of money if Jane doesn't help us.

Tarzan: Money?

Rita: Yes, money - you know, to get clothes and food and ...

Tarzan: Food, clothes, money?

Eric: No, Tarzan, you don't understand. Money isn't that, it's ...

Jane: Of course he doesn't understand. I hope he never does!

Eric: Hi. What are you making?

Kate: Stew. It's your favorite.

Eric: Aren't you going to turn around?

Kate: I saw it on the news.

Eric: I'm okay.

Kate: You're always okay.

Eric: Are you alright?

Kate: I'm sorry.

[turns around]

Eric: Why?

Kate: [sees his bandaged arm, gets upset] Another scar to add to your collection?

Eric: [insistent] I'm alright.

Kate: Well, I'm not! I'm married to a man who's job is to be willing to die at any given moment for any given reason!

Eric: Jeez, do we have to keep going through this?

Kate: What kind of a life is that?

Eric: You knew what I did when you married me.

Kate: No! You were an investigator when I married you, not - not a bodyguard. Look, I just can't live my life waiting for you to walk through that door dead or alive!

Connie: Where's your wife?

Eric: What? Oh, the ring... I'm divorced.

Connie: You still wear the ring. What happened?

Eric: I had, uh, too many scars.

Connie: I think scars are sexy. I'm divorced, too. My husband said I was too aggressive, so I smacked him.

Eric: Look, I only steal from the rich.

Pak Yin Fay: Only because the poor don't have anything worth taking.

Eric: There's an element of truth to that.

Eric: [to Karl] She says she'd gonna shove the diamond so far up your ass, it'll take a team of proctologists in scuba gear three weeks to find it.

Eric: You have been dis-armed, baby!

Steve: Excuse me, guys... can I see your invitations?

Brad: Is this your house?

Steve: Yes.

Brad: Your party?

Steve: Yes.

Brad: Can we get in?

Steve: No.

Eric: C'mon Brad, let's just go.

Brad: No no no no... Steve... Steve, we can get in, right?

Steve: You don't got an invitation. You don't go in.

Brad: You don't GOT an invitation? Steve, quick English lesson; it's don't HAVE an invitation. As in 'Hi, my name is Steve. I don't have brain.'

Steve: You're just a natural little Shakestein, aren't you?

Brad: Shakespeare, Steve... it's Shakespeare. Didn't you see the 'No Idiots' sign on the front lawn?

Mr. Johnson: What do you mean we're having the bedroom redone? We just had it redone last week.

Cynthia: I'm having it redone... redone.

Mr. Johnson: Should I bother to ask why?

Cynthia: Well, I just read that Sharon Stone is having her bedroom redone in imperial blue. So... I want imperial blue.

Eric: Keeping up with the Stoneses?

Stephanie: Hi.

Eric: So, hows your uncle?

Stephanie: On his way to a full recovery.

Eric: And how are you doing?

Stephanie: Just fine... Tiger.

Eric: Tiger?

Stephanie: Yeah, that's what I'm gonna call you from now on. Like, your nickname.

Eric: Mm, so we're giving nicknames now, huh? Well, can I call you Schnookums?

Stephanie: Schnookums? Sounds like an air freshener.

[pause]

Stephanie: Well, this has definitely been one of the most exciting summers I've ever had.

Eric: Yeah. Wonder if it gets any better?

Stephanie: You know it does.

Eric: Let me drive, Brad.

Brad: No, you can NOT drive! Did you see what I had to go through to GET these keys? I have to eat vegetables!

Eric: There are two things in the world I can't stand; flat soda... and big slimy guys with tattoos.

Eric: That guy is such a jerk.

Steve: Hey, forget him. He's just compensating for a tiny...

Eric: Nose!

Eric: One time I saw a movie, then walked across the hall and saw another movie. And I didn't even pay until afterwards.

Eric: You fight until one of you can't anymore.

Four: Or until one of you concedes.

Eric: A brave man never backs down.

Four: Lucky for you, that wasn't a rule when we fought.

Eric: She's not gonna shoot me.

Beatrice 'Tris' Prior: I think you might be overestimating my character.

[shoots him in the leg]

[Eric runs a test on a man and finds him 10% Divergent]

Eric: You're almost normal. That's boring.

[Eric shoots him in the head]

Eric: [to Tris] If you think you got lucky, you're wrong. You're gonna wish I killed you.

Eric: You think she's safe now? You're wrong.

Eric: [to Tris] Jeanine's never gonna stop searching for you.

Four: Why? What does she want with her? Tell me.

Eric: Look, all I know is she's exactly what Jeanine needs. She's the perfect subject.

[Four cocks his gun]

Eric: Was that supposed to scare me?

Four: You're responsible for the death of hundreds of people. You know the punishment for that.

Eric: Listen... I've found a way to live with the blood on my hands. But can you?

Angela: I'm telling you, I saw something in the woods!

Eric: It's okay, baby. I believe you.

Jessica: No he doesn't. He's just trying to get lucky.

Angela: It was jet black and huge. On all fours it was still taller than a human.

Jessica: A bear, maybe?

Mike: Or an alien. You're lucky you didn't get probed.

Jessica: Yeah, like that would happen.

Angela: Well, I saw it.

Bella Swan: You know, you're not the only one. My dad's been getting reports down at the station. Something like 5 hikers been killed by a bear, but they can't find the bear.

Angela: Hm.

Eric: Hahahaha. Last time you clowns doubt my girlfriend!

Mike: So listen... Now that you're talking again... And eating... You know

[pokes Bella's stomach]

Mike: You gotta get that protein in there. You know I was just wondering if you wanted to go see a movie with me.

Bella Swan: Yeah... Sure. Yeah I do.

Mike: Okay... We could check out "Love spelled backwards is love" You know, it's a dumb title, but, um, it's a romantic comedy, it's suppose to be...

Bella Swan: No. No romance. Uh, well, how about "Face Punch" You heard of that?

Mike: Well, it's an action movie.

Bella Swan: Yeah, it's perfect. With guns... adrenaline... it's my thing.

Mike: Okay...

Bella Swan: We should get a bunch of people... You guys wanna go see "Face Punch" ?

Eric: Yeah! Hey, Mike, remember we were suppose to watch that? The trailer's all like "* Pew, pew!* Punch his face in"

Jessica: Movie night with Bellllllaaaaaaa

[Rolls eyes]

Alice Cullen: I've decided to throw a party.

Jasper Hale: After all, how many times are we going to graduate high school.

[Edward scoffs]

Angela: A party at your place?

Jessica: I've never seen your house.

Eric: No one's ever seen their house.

Edward Cullen: Another party Alice?

Alice Cullen: It'll be fun.

Bella Swan: Yeah. That's what you said last time.

[Alice slumps back, has a vision]

Bella Swan: [trying to distract her from Alice] Hey Angela.

Angela: Yeah?

Bella Swan: You need some help with those?

[last lines]

Eric: Hey guys.

Windows: What?

Hutch: What, man?

Eric: What if the movie sucks?

Hutch: You gotta find your Death Star.

Eric: Okay, I'll bite.

Hutch: Greatest deed Luke Skywalker ever did was take down the Death Star, right? As far as I'm concerned, that's what everybody needs. You need that one bad-ass thing that lets you live on forever, you know.

Linus: [Shatner has given them the access codes to Skywalker Ranch] How did you score all of this?

William Shatner: Are you kidding? I'm William Shatner; I can score anything.

Eric: How about Jeri Ryan's panties?

Eric: [hands him a vacuum cleaner] Your mom said clean up this shit-hole or no grilled cheese for a week?

Hutch: [sticks his head out on the door] That's emotional blackmail, and you know it!

Windows: What's your game plan?

Eric: We storm the ranch or we die trying.

Windows: Yeah.

Windows: Harrison Ford is the greatest actor of all time!

Eric: In the history of cinema?

Windows: He's Han Solo, Indiana Jones. Yes!

Eric: Deckard from Blade Runner.

Windows: Yes. Exactly. Greatest actor of all time. He's never done a bad movie.

[the van drives by a billboard for the 1998 movie "Six Days, Seven Nights"]

[after having landed in the garbage disposal room]

Windows: I have a bad feeling about this.

Hutch: Um, you guys don't think that the, um...

Linus: We are in George Lucas' trash room.

Eric: Don't be ridiculous, okay? The walls are not gonna close in on us.

[the walls begin to move in]

Eric: Linus. Hey, stop walking. Linus! Hold up, man! Stop. What the hell, man? I did nothing to you.

Linus: Exactly. You did nothing. Absolutely nothing. Eric Bottler graduates high school and never looks back. You bailed on our plan, Bottler!

Eric: What plan? To be the next big thing in comics? Come on, man. That was never gonna happen. I did what I had to do, dude. I grew up. I'm the only one who did. Look at you guys.

Linus: You know, you could fool anybody with this cheap suit, salesman-of-the-year pitch. But I know you better than anybody and deep down, you are one miserable son of a bitch.

Linus: Hey, Bottler, hit 'em with the pressed ham!

Eric: Klingon to this.

[Eric moons the Trekkers]

Hutch: I'm telling you, man. I took that Vulcan down hard. I rolled him into the dirt like he was my frickin tauntaun.

Eric: Tauntaun, my ass. If it wasn't for me, you guys would all be dead.

Windows: What fight were you watching? I was channeling the emperor.

Linus: The emperor? I don't remember the emperor crapping his robe and screaming "time-out."

Eric: Oh, my God. That's right.

Windows: There is such a thing as time-out.

Hutch: [imitating The Emperor] I can feel your anger growing inside. Wait. Time-out.

The Chief: The Chief fixed it while you boys were asleep.

Eric: The Chief fixed it. Is he around? Can we thank him?

Linus: He's the Chief. You're the Chief, aren't you? Why didn't you say so?

The Chief: The Chief likes to refer to himself in the third person. It causes confusion, especially with the bitches.

Windows: What's your new game plan?

Eric: Let's get in the van and get the hell outta here!

[after getting flashed by a woman passerby]

Windows: Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

Eric: Shut up, man! It was a hundred miles ago! Stop living in the past!

Eric: And Guinevere the fearless, who's plus-three ass of perfection should keep the memory of she who should not be mentioned at bay.

Gwen: Plus-three? Clearly you underestimate my endowments.

Ronnie Kwok: [in distress] You just summoned a succubus from Hell!

Eric: [pauses] Sorry.

Eric: [listening to Joe play on his guitar] That's a power ballad.

Hung: What's wrong with him?

Eric: Oh, she dumped you, didn't she?

Ronnie Kwok: Joe Revitt's here? What the frack, Eric. I hate that guy!

Eric: Ronald, Ronald, why be so petty? I mean, surely, you're not still sore about your syphilitic paladin. Perhaps the pages of your monster manual remain... stucketh together?

Ronnie Kwok: [pause] For old time sake, he's in.

Eric: Fuck. Shit! We gotta go back for the book!

Hung: What book?

Eric: I brought that kick-ass old book I was gonna to use for my spells! Fuck! I must have dropped it when the paintballers attacked us! Shit!

Hung: Hey, is this it?

Eric: [calmly] That's it.

[pause]

Eric: Whoo. Thank god.

Ronnie Kwok: [sung] And your appeasement of the gods of Vincebus...

[normal voice]

Ronnie Kwok: have failed.

Eric: What? Seven blood packs not enough, Ronnie?

Eric: Fear not, Sir Reginald, for I have just the magic needed. Excuse me, while I whipeth this out.

[Dustin and Eric are having a serious conversation when someone farts]

Matt: Greetings from the interior...

Eric: Matt!

Sweet Lou: I think I can taste that one...

[Another fart is let loose]

Eric: MATT!

Matt: That wasn't me.

Bell Clerk: Sorry, that was me. Whoo! Can I have my underwear back?

[Guys take off in van]

Dustin: You know what, I remember Matt listening to your crap, and look where that got him. The guy is a complete stain.

Eric: That's where Matt deceives you.

Dustin: I don't think Matt deceives me.

Eric: Because in actuallity he really know's which end is up.

[Matt jumps off the roof of the house into the pool]

Matt: It's the honeymoon suit.

[makes porn music sounds]

Matt: [Matt touches Dustin's nipple and Dustin punches him]

Eric: So there's only one bed and there's four guys.

[Matt and Dustin race to the bed where they start to pillow fight]

Dustin: This is my side. Get off me.

[Dustin pulls something from under the sheets]

Dustin: Ah! Man-ties!

[Dustin puts tighty-whities on Matt's head]

Matt: AHHH!

[matt pulls them off and throws them across the room while Dustin laughs histerically]

Matt: You did not just find those in that bed!

Eric: Excuse me sir...

Scabby Security Guy: [turns around to reveal a nasty scab on his face]

Dustin, Eric, Matt: Good lord

[everyone screams, Matt grabs his own face]

Eric: Get it away

Scabby Security Guy: Yeah, what do you want?

Dustin: Excuse me sir we are just here to see Jimmy. Is he in the scar, the car, the bus is that where he is?

Scabby Security Guy: Thats a big no on Jimmy.

Dustin: Good, thank you.

Scabby Security Guy: [to Matt] What are you looking at pin-head.

Matt: No.

Eric: Open your ears, Jackass!

Eric: But see, the truth is that Jimmy actually did want us to come over and say "What's up" so if you could just get us in for five minutes...

Tour Manager: Yea, I could do that.

Eric: You could do that?

Tour Manager: Yea, I could do that, but I'm not going to do that, because I don't want to, and I... I just can't seem to find my way around that.

Sweet Lou: It's tempting but uh... I don't know. And you know, school just let out and all.

Eric: Dude, didn't you graduate like six years ago?

Sweet Lou: Yea, but they didn't.

Dustin: Again, good point.

Eric: This is the rashest thing that's ever happened to us before.

Kyle: I don't know what are we even talking about this for?

Brad: Why don't we just go home?

Eric: The guy's a fucking fugitive, man.

Brad: Great. I hate this, you realize that?

Eric: What? Who do you hate?

Brad: Yeah, hilarious. The guy said it's the police they're after. So why don't we just not do this, okay? Are you even listening to me?

Eric: No.

Kyle: Look at this thing.

[Kyle, Brad and Eric see a old car]

Brad: What does it say about him? I guess he was a little bit disappointed.

Kyle: C'mon he's a cop Brad, we got to help him.

Brad: We don't... we don't even know the guy, I mean, we might be accomplices. Kyle, the guy's been shot. He needs real medical attention, I mean we could have a real doctor go down there and no one would know the difference.

Eric: What? Look, you heard what he said, right? The only thing he's got is us. Us three, our shack, our fucking shit, okay? Alright? Let's go Kyle.

[They start to push the car]

Eric: One, two, three.

[Brad stops pushing the car]

Kyle: This doesn't have to be a big deal Brad, we pushed the car so what?

Eric: Here we go, Bradley, are you in or are you out? Hun?

Liquor Store Manager: I said you'll have to leave or we'll call the police.

Kyle: Oh, relax okay?

Liquor Store Manager: That's it Barney, call the police.

Eric: Yeah, Barney cause you got first big guy? Hey ah, do you like this? *Points to the bottle of wine*

Liquor Store Manager: Put the bottle back, sir.

Eric: No, he's a fucking cheese sandwich. I mean, he sucks about this, he suck's about that, he suck's about everything!. And now the bullets! He can't even protect himself!

Kyle: He isn't a cop eh? Yeah, he told me.

Eric: What?

Kyle: Don't tell Brad.

Eric: He told you?

Eric: [muttering] Oh, we're in shit.

Eric's Father: Eric, come over here please?

Officer Cole: You too sir?

Eric: Dead, we're dead, we're diffidently dead, we're dead, we're dead.

Kyle: Okay, what are we gonna do?

Eric: We're gonna say it was as stupid as hell right?

Brad: Kyle! Kyle, I am not going back there!

Eric: Kyle! The fuck happened? Where's the fucking car?

Brad: Shut up! Kyle, are you okay?

Kyle: Yeah.

Eric: We're getting a car! My mom's car! We'll get my mom's car!

Brad: Shut up!

Eric: We'll fucking get my mom's car!

Brad: Kyle!

Eric: [to Brad] He's gonna kill him, asshole!

Brad: Yeah! He's gonna kill all of us, asshole! Do you understand?

Kyle: Guys! I'm just trying to think okay?

Eric: You weren't there! He fuckin' shot em!

Kyle: [Yelling] Guys I'm trying to think, okay?

Eric: What the fuck? What the fuck is happening?

Brad: That's it! I'm calling 911. We're getting the cops in here and I'm...

Eric: [Eric grabs Brad] You fucking think he wants to hear that? Huh? You think he wants to hear that? You don't care if his brother dies do you?

Brad: I'm not the one who brought the bullets now did I? Fucking punk!

[Eric and Brad fight on the ground]

Brad: [to Eric] You are a very average, boring stupid guy! With a big mouth and I don't respect you and I never have!

Eric: Fuck you, you asshole!

Kyle: [to Eric] Your old man has a gun?

Brad: Eric...

Eric: Yeah! He's got a box of em' in the closet!

Brad: Okay, why does somebody ask for bullets? To shoot bullets. At what? People. What are we? Five?

Eric: [Sarcastically] He's a cop, smart guy. I mean he's gotta have some sort of protection.

Brad: [scoffs] So we have to get involved in it? Look, If anybody gets hurt now, it's because of us. Or you two, because I'm out of this.

Kyle: Wait! We'll- we'll just tell him we couldn't get it.

Eric: What? Alright fine, okay I- I don't even care anymore.

Brad: Eric, I'm right this time.

Kyle: Simon, over here!

Eric: Kyle, what's he-?

Kyle: Simon, you got it right?

[referring to the beer]

Simon: Yes, thank you.

Eric: Oh, big surprise. He's taking it from...

Kyle: Oh, c'mon don't be an asshole, just give us our booze!

Simon: [scoffs] What are you gonna do about it huh? You gonna fight me for it? Huh? You wanna come and get it, I'll give it to you huh? Come and get it!

[Simon pushes Kyle]

Simon: C'mon!

[Talking to Brad]

Simon: What about you? What are you gonna do about it?

Brad: [Mutters to Kyle and Eric] Let's go.

Kyle: [while pointing the gun at Luke] Look who's in charge now! See how this works, you motherfucker?

Eric: Guys!

Kyle: Not so fucking tough anymore are ya!

Eric: Kyle! Kyle! Kyle! C'mon! Kyle!

Kyle: [to Luke] Look at me! This gun's what it's all about, you filthy fuck!

Eric: [Softly] C'mon Kyle.

Luke Cooper: So what? Use it.

Eric: [to Kyle] Don't do it, man. Kyle!

Luke Cooper: Use it.

Eric: C'mon, Brad.

Brad: Kyle, Don't do this, man. Kyle.

Luke Cooper: [Luke is talking on Kyle's Dad's phone] I know where I am. What are you telling me? Kyle! Come out here for a second! What? That was along time ago! Oh, gimme a break! Wait a second.

Luke Cooper: [to Kyle who is now outside] I'm thinking tonight. Can you help me?

Kyle: Yeah, sure.

Eric: [Inside the clubhouse] It had to look like a break in, Brad. I mean what was he supposed to do?

Brad: Yeah, but your own dad's car?

Eric: Oh, fuss...

Kyle: So- whats your point?

Brad: I don't know its just- it's weird. It's something Jake would do.

Kyle: Jake didn't do it, I did it. He pissed me off. Fuck off, Brad. I don't care.

Eric: Hey, hey, relax okay, guys? Alright?

Luke Cooper: [Luke is outside talking on the phone distantly] I've had a radio all day, I haven't done it. Fuck you. Wait, it's the battery. Can you hear me? okay, fuck you. Now you hear me clear that time? Listen, now your cutting off, Betty? Betty, hello?

[Luke starts banging the phone on a old tire wheel]

Luke Cooper: Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!

Brad: [to Kyle] He just trashed your dad's phone. Not kidding, about ten times.

Luke Cooper: [Luke comes inside the clubhouse] Uh, sorry this things uh, busted. You boys stay out late tonight? Just get me to the road. Can't stay here.

Kyle: No problem.

Luke Cooper: Need a road map. Gotta swipe a car. This is it, boys.

Luke Cooper: What are you doing?

Megan: What?

Luke Cooper: Go ahead.

Megan: Oh you mean ta- yeah. Yeah, right.

Luke Cooper: We've outlined the rules. Very specifically. Women have to take off their tops. Right boys?

Megan: That's uh, pretty funny.

Eric: Go ahead.

Brad: Why?

Luke Cooper: Brad.

Megan: Okay, Hold on, are you some kind of pervert or something?

Kyle: Okay, Lets say we talk about something else, hey guys?

Kyle: So what do you think?

Megan: What do I *think*? Um, do you really wanna know?

[Brad laughs]

Kyle: Just being a smart ass.

Luke Cooper: Just being a smart ass. Yeah, well everybody's a smart ass every now and then. We won't hold it against ya Megan. Hey, guys, I mean to not cause any trouble but, since when do we let women in here?

Eric: [Eric laughs] Good point!

Megan: I don't know, those girls on the wall there, they seem welcome enough.

Luke Cooper: They're different. Look what they're wearing.

Eric: Yep! No women. Unless those women are wearing no tops.

Megan: Eric, That's *so* mature.

Eric: Actually, Megan that's the rules. Right, guys?

Luke Cooper: Those are the rules.

Megan: Well, If those are the rules, guess I better follow the rules eh?

Eric: Now we're talking! Take it off!

Megan: [Megan teases them by lifting her shirt then quickly putting it back down] Woah!

Brad: I actually thought she was gonna do that.

Megan: Yeah, you know what? That's because you're drunk. and whoa, whoa, so am I... just shouldn't have gotten up like that.

Eric: Yeah but after, I mean the getting shot part. Oh here.

[Eric lights Chris's cigarette]

Luke Cooper: That I don't know. It happened so fast. I'm with this dealer guy, right? I'm shaking him upside-down, shaking the change out of his pockets. You see my friend, Bruce, ya know he's a Sargent, he's my boss. Well, he looks at me so I smile. Then he pulls his .38 out of his pocket. Ping! That's I guess the mechanics of it.

Kyle: So, how'd you get away?

Luke Cooper: Through the window. I fell out. Funny, isn't it? I start shooting back, missing everything, Bruce's coming out he's gonna do the same thing again. Then I see this cab on the curb just sitting there so I jump in.

Eric: No way!

Luke Cooper: I got a few days on him anyway. But this pain is real. I tell ya.

Eric: Um, do you need painkillers?

Luke Cooper: And booze. Can you guys get rid of a car?

Kyle: Sorry.

Luke Cooper: How old are you anyway?

Kyle: I'm fourteen.

Eric: So?

Luke Cooper: It's just off the road, it's in a ditch. It's broken. It's just sitting there. Push it down a hill so nobody sees it.

Kyle: Sure, I guess.

Luke Cooper: Well, then do that. Don't make a mistake, this is scary. You guys might not want to come back and that's fine. But just tell me no one knows about this place.

Eric: Just us.

Luke Cooper: Okay, okay. I don't know if you've ever been in a real situation, but this is one of them. All I got right now is you guys. I need you to keep your mouth shut. You're fourteen, that's young. Have you learned to do that yet? Bunch of bored kids, huh?

Eric: Look, the cops didn't even mention you.

Brad: Okay, it's just if they do- it-my parent's will kill me.

Eric: You know what? The store doesn't even know anything's missing. All right? Okay?

Brad: Fine.

Eric: Good! Now, shut up. Hey, Luke. I uh, brought you a little present.

[Eric lays the box of bullets down]

Luke Cooper: Well, well, well. That's what I call good timing little brother. What can I say? Thank you.

Eric: No problem. So, what's with these handcuffs anyways?

Luke Cooper: What?

Eric: Oh, yeah; right.

Luke Cooper: Kind of a strange question. I'm a cop.

Eric: Yeah, of course. I know that.

Brad: I don't understand how it's a question.

Luke Cooper: It's all right. Sometimes the brain misfires, Eric.

Eric: [about the handcuffs] Ow, I closed them too tight.

Luke Cooper: How's it feel?

Eric: No, Luke, c'mon. They're digging in.

Luke Cooper: We'll, you're a criminal now. Right, Brad?

Eric: C'mon, Luke, take them off.

Luke Cooper: Nope.

Eric: Ha ha. Very funny. You know what? Whenever you feel it all right?

Luke Cooper: I know. Maye I'll take this key, and chuck it into the woods.

[Luke pretendst o throw the key into the woods]

Eric: Shi- Brad, did you see where it went? Brad?

Brad: No.

Luke Cooper: I'm sorry, bad joke. I wouldn't have thrown it, give me some credit.

Luke Cooper: C'mon, Luke take them off.

[Luke tosses the key to Eric]

Eric: I brought the bullets.

Luke Cooper: You're a good man, Eric!

[he takes a sip of whisky and he chuckles]

Luke Cooper: Now here's to the wind at my back, It's gonna by hairy but, I'm sick of this hiding shit.

[Megan is outside knocks at the door to the clubhouse]

Megan: Kyle? Hello? Kyle?

Eric: Aw, Kyle!

Kyle: Megan!

Luke Cooper: [to Kyle] Get the fuck up.

Kyle: Hang on, I'll come out.

[he gets up but Luke grabs Kyle's arm]

Luke Cooper: Hold on, let her in. She's already here right?

Eric's Mother: Hi Eric! Back from the library?

Eric: Hi, Mom.

Kyle: [whispering to Eric] Catching up on some school, Eric?

Eric: [whispering back] Yeah, well, what she doesn't know can't get us in a lot of shit!

Eric's Mother: [to Eric] Study hard?

Eric: Yeah! Chemistry is really fascinating, Mom.

Eric's Mother: We're proud of you, honey.

[Eric nervously laughs]

Kyle: [after splashing Luke with water] It just pisses me off, that's all.

Luke Cooper: Why, do you respect the guy?

Kyle: Who?

Luke Cooper: The dick headed guy, Simon. Do you respect him? For stiffing ya?

Eric: No.

Luke Cooper: Then what do you care? That's what he wanted and that's what he didn't get. Forget all that. I got problems of my own. I miss my girlfriend. Right? Right, Brad?

Brad: Yeah.

Luke Cooper: Well, there I am, alone in the shack, middle of the night, missing my girlfriend, with all those naked girls you guys got pinned up all over the walls. So off I go, maybe it'll help me sleep, problem. Something must connect your dick to your thigh, does anybody else know about this?

Eric: Brad!

Luke Cooper: Well, it hurts my leg so bad, I gotta stop. Talking about my health, boys. Sorry.

Eric: No, it's okay.

Brad: Yeah, it's cool.

Luke Cooper: Everybody does it, it's good for the country. Especially your age when girls are illegal. It's like they're fucking paid not to like it. You see them in the hallways with their new cosmetics. Where do you think they get the money?

Eric: [after pushing the car into a tree] Oh, man , oh look at it.

Eric: Isn't too shitty.

Kyle: Oh, man.

[he gives Eric a high five]

Eric: Why so hard?

Eric: Kyle, what are you thinking about, man?

Kyle: What? I'm just listening.

Eric: C'mon, c'mon, what are you thinking about?

Brad: C'mon, Kyle.

Eric: Yeah! There you go!

Luke Cooper: A girl? She's cute. I got ESP. I see her face in the river. Did you tell her you're a pilot? Might help.

Eric: Hey, we shouldn't stay out in the open should we? I mean cause...

Luke Cooper: If I can't fix things, I'll be living in the open.

Kyle: When you leave.

Luke Cooper: When I leave, I got an empty gun. I'm the type of guy I like to have a solution to the problems when they come up. You understand what I mean? Hit me.

[Eric pours water on Luke]

Eric: The world doesn't need saving. It's humanity that's in trouble.

Eric: It's all gonna turn off.

Silvia: What is turning off?

Eric: This! All of this!

[after Rocky gave impressive speech on how the Trojan War started]

Eric: That wasn't bad, Dennis. How about you tutor me?

Rocky Dennis: Tutor you?

Eric: Yeah. Cooley almost failed me last year.

Rocky Dennis: Ok. But it will cost you $3 an hour.

Eric: Three bucks?

[classroom falls silent and looks back at the two because of the sudden outburst]

Eric: [kinda tense] It's a deal.

[last lines]

Eric: [handing him a letter] Dear Mr. Nagase, the war has been over for many years. I have suffered much, but I know you have suffered, too. And you have been most courageous, and brave in working for reconciliation. While I cannot forget what happened in Kanchanaburi, I assure you of my total forgiveness. Sometime the hating has to stop.

Eric: Don't move.

Patti: Why not?

Eric: Because I'm looking at you.

[first lines]

Eric: At the beginning of time, the clock struck one. A drop of dew, and the clock struck two. From the dew grew a tree, and the clock struck three. Then the tree made a door, and the clock struck four. Then man came alive, And the clock struck five. Count not, waste not, the hours of the clock. Behold I stand at the door and knock.

Patti: [Kisses Eric] I've never kissed a man with a moustache before.

[pauses]

Patti: And I don't think I'm going to kiss a man with a moustache again.

Eric: And if the man removed the moustache?

Patti: Yes, that would do nicely.

Nagase: You are a soldier, Lomax. You never surrendered.

Eric: I'm still at war.

Patti: When Finlay died, I was scared. I was scared that the same might happen to you.

Eric: It was different for Finlay. He didn't have you.

Patti: Did you know Warrington is famous for vodka?

Eric: [eyes on his book] You know, with all due respect to your friend, if all he mentioned is vodka, he's really only scratched the surface of Warrington.

[looks up at Patti]

Eric: the Black Prince? Remember the Black Prince? Had all his armour made there. Warrington was really the only place to go if you wanted a suit of armour. Sort of Saville Row in steel

Patti: [upon seeing the war camp] I wouldn't have lasted a day here.

Eric: I you'd been here, you'd have caused quite the stir.

Nagase: That's what I saw. So many murdered. So I will speak. I make pilgrimages. I work for... reconciliation. I will not let them forget the tragedy of war.

Eric: The what?

Nagase: The tragedy of war.

Eric: No, this wasn't a tragedy. This was a crime. You're not tragic. You're a criminal. You were an intelligent, educated man, and you did nothing.

Nagase: I tried to make amends.

Eric: You're living off this.

[indicating the war museum]

Eric: You're a criminal and a liar.

Eric: My mother was already dead, as it happens. All through the war, I wrote letters home to a dead woman.

Eric: What do you tell people about what you did to us?

Nagase: We do not talk about it. No one will talk about it.

Eric: Nor do we. And you know why? Because no one would believe it. No one would believe what you did to us. You treated us like animals because we surrendered.

Knibb High Principal: If there is any attempt for either contestant to cheat, especially with my wife, who is a dirty, dirty, tramp, I am just gonna snap. Do I make myself clear?

Billy Madison: Yes, Sir.

Eric: Yes, Sir.

Eric: So he's passed first grade and moved on to second. whooptieto. Any more information, Rollo?

Rollo the Janitor: Uh...

[takes out crumpled note]

Rollo the Janitor: Billy likes to drink soda, Miss Lippy's car is green,

[Max meets Eric in the kitchen asking him where the bathroom is, then shows him a magazine with a cover of Max dressed in a wrestling outfit]

Eric: Hey, tubby, how about a little bathroom reading? I have the August 1983 issue of Wrestling World here. There's a terrific article about a wrestler named the Revolting Blob. Gee, you know somethin'? He kinda looks like someone I know.

Principal Max Anderson: Where'd you get that?

Eric: I have a subscription. Bad guy. He threw one opponent out of the ring and hit a bunch of senior citizens. Boy, this wacko looks familiar. What do I care about some stupid phoney wrestling guy?

Principal Max Anderson: My God!

Eric: In June 1983 he sat on some guy's head and killed him.

Principal Max Anderson: It was just a stunt! He was supposed to pinch my leg if he was running short of air.

Eric: With this guy sitting on everyone's head, I wonder how he got his teaching degree?

Principal Max Anderson: No! No, you can't do that to me. Those kids are my whole life!

Eric: So you wouldn't want anything to happen that would make 'em think less of you?

Eric: [then Max ignores Eric] Max, are you ready to cooperate with me?

Principal Max Anderson: [sobs] Yes.

Eric: Then Madison Hotels is as good as mine!

Carl: I ate some Triscuit crackers in the car, you should have had some.

Eric: Well, maybe if you told me they were delicious Triscuit crackers I could have enjoyed them with you.

Carl: I'm sorry.

Eric: Well, "sorry" doesn't put the Triscuit crackers in my stomach now, does it Carl?

Billy Madison: Hey, Carl. What's up?

Carl: Nothing much, Billy. I see you got a little sun today.

Billy Madison: You think so? I fell asleep by the pool for a few hours.

Eric: Did you fall asleep or did you pass out?

Billy Madison: [sarcastic laughter] Shut up!

[Billy Madison is having big party for passing 2nd grade]

Eric: [very stressed out] Is he going to have a stupid party every time he passes a grade?

Carl: You know, everyone's having a good time but you.

[a girl is now trying to reach into Eric's suit jacket]

Eric: [shoeing her away] Spoiled snot. Get outta here!

Carl: Billy is not an idiot.

Eric: I'm not saying he's an idiot. I just think he might not be mature enough to run a Fortune Five Hundred company.

Billy Madison: Okay, alright... Alright, you got it. First Grade through Twelfth Grade all over again. I'll do each grade in two weeks, take the test, re-graduate, prove to you I'm not an idiot, and then I get to take over Madison Hotels.

Brian Madison: That's some idea. You just think of that?

Billy Madison: Yeah, I did. It's pretty good, huh?

Eric: Brian, don't you think the future of Madison Hotels and its sixty one thousand employees is too important to gamble on a game like this?

Brian Madison: No.

[to Billy]

Brian Madison: You're on.

Brian Madison: [as he turns around while sitting down] What a mess. First this psycho goes on TV, lies, then retracts it, and now Eric's secretary is in a coma. Carl, has anybody been able to find out anything about this Max guy?

Carl: No, sir. He's vanished. Nobody has any idea where he is.

Eric: I believed in Billy all along, sir.

Billy Madison: [to Eric] Oh, cut the horseshit! I know you blackmailed Max.

Brian Madison: Take it easy, Billy. Things were going along great until this wrestling freak messed things up. Billy should get another shot at high school.

Eric: Hey, rules are rules. Billy was supposed to finish each grade within the two weeks or I get the company. He didn't finish ninth grade.

Carl: Eric, certainly there are extenuating circumstances.

Eric: Extenuating, "exschmenuating". We had a deal. A signed, written deal. Each grade, two weeks, or I get the company.

Brian Madison: Well, technically you're right, but...

Eric: [before Brian could continue talking, Eric interrupts him] Oh, shut up, Brian. I've had to listen to your jawing for too long. "Well, technically..." Blah, blah, blah! Just shut up! So, are you ready to hand the company over to me now?

Brian Madison: No.

Eric: Then, I'll see your ass in court.

Brian Madison: Good.

Eric: [to Brian, Billy and Carl] Nice talkin' to ya, shitheads.

[then Eric laughs and attemps to leave Brain's office]

[from a deleted scene]

Eric: [referring to Max] That's right, I blackmailed you.

[while playing cards]

Eric: Salad shooter!

[first lines]

Randy Burch: So we're planning our next vacation, right? I want Australia, she wants Italy. I like snorkeling, she likes garlic. All of a sudden, out of nowhere, she says to me: Do I need her? Jesus, Benny. What kind of a question is that? I mean, "need?" What does it really mean to need someone?

Eric: Benny, fuel line!

[and the phone begins ringing]

Benny: Hey Waldo, could you answer that phone?

Waldo: Hello?

UPS Man: [walks in] I need a check, Benny. COD.

Benny: In a minute. Meet me in the office.

UPS Man: All right...

Benny: [about Randy's cigarette] Whoa! Put that out! I got a fuel line broke.

Waldo: Hey, Benny. Joon's on the phone again.

Benny: Well, tell her I'll call her back. Find out what she wants.

Waldo: It's an emergency. She says you're runnin' low on Peanut Butter Super Chunks.

Benny: [under his breath] An emergency...

Peter: Okay, well let's at least finish the song. Everyone hold hands... except for Eric.

Eric: Damn.

Peter: I'm gonna need a little help, I have to go to the bathroom. My penis is in the corner.

Eric: This is fucked up.

Eric: Fuck this weed is good.

[Jack, with the appearance of a 72-year old but only 18 years old, arrives at his graduation ceremony]

Lawrence Woodruff: [addressing the audience] Ladies and gentleman, it is my honor to introduce this year's valedictorian, Jack Charles Powell.

[a round of applause approves of this choice]

Jack: [taking the stand] Thank you, Aristotle.

[Due to his aged condition he has to take out spectacles to read the speech]

Eric: Yo Jack, go get 'em!

Jack: I got it, Eric. I'm cool... I don't have very much time these days so I'll make it quick. Like my life. You know, as we come to the end of this phase of our life, we find ourselves trying to remember the good times and trying to forget the bad times, and we find ourselves thinking about the future. We start to worry , thinking, "What am I gonna do? Where am I gonna be in ten years?" But I say to you, "Hey, look at me!" Please, don't worry so much. Because in the end, none of us have very long on this Earth. Life is fleeting. And if you're ever distressed, cast your eyes to the summer sky when the stars are strung across the velvety night. And when a shooting star streaks through the blackness, turning night into day... make a wish and think of me. Make your life spectacular. I know I did. I made it, Mom. I'm a grown up.

[last lines]

Eve: [on answering machine] Hola, my beautiful sister. It's Eve. Happy belated Easter, for what that's worth, I don't know. I got your message and I think that would be so awesome. Lady, you pick the date, I am there. We'll eat, we'll surf, do everything you're supposed to do here in beautiful Encinitas. Which is, uh, eating and surfing, now that I think about it. Anyway, call me. I love you.

Eric: [on answering machine] Hey,it's, uh, it's Eric. I just called to let you know I dropped off some o' your mail. Uh, your landlord said he'd put it inside your apartment for you so I just wanna make sure you got it. I hope you're doing OK. Um, that's it. Okay. Bye.

Eric: That top is specifically designed to guide guys like me back to your place.

Mia: I'm sorry. Guys like you, what does that mean?

Eric: Gentlemen who enjoy boobs.

Mia: You're wrong there. This top is actually *specifically* designed to make guys you wish that you could come home with me.

Eric: Look, just tell me one thing. I'm not a vain person. Was the sex any good at all?

Cheryl: No. I'm sorry. It was bad.

Eric: You bring me over here, and you tell me I'm the worst lover you ever had. And now you tell me it can't be helped.

Eric: I am not a man... I am Cantona.

Eric: The noblest revenge is to forgive.

Eric: One minute and fifty elephants.

Eric: In another million years, there'll be no men, no women. There'll just be people. Just a whole world full of wankers.

Eric: Love may not make the world go round, but it makes the ride worth while.

[repeated line]

Eric: Brady Freakin Frances?

Eric: You're like the poster boy for the romantically challenged!

David Walsh: Jack, you know Eric's gay.

Jack: Ya, he's here, he's queer, I'm used to it. I have no problems with queers.

Eric: Well, the community is going to be so thrilled to hear that, Jack.

Jack: I mean it! I mean, sucking dick, when chicks do it, I not only applaud, I want to watch it. I got, I got three-hour pornos with nothing but wall-to-wall ball to jaw. But when I think about chowing down on some other guys' wrinkled Mr. Lincoln...

[makes a face and tries to contain his laughter]

Eric: Jack, are you a cartoon character? I mean, does someone come to your house every morning and draw you on an easel?

Eric: Jack, I'm thinking of a number between one and ten.

Jack: Uh... Six.

Eric: Oh, so close. It was "Go fuck yourself!"

Eric: [to the egg] Piece of advice: don't hatch.

Eric: It was an accident, and I have the right to a fair trial.

[to Herb]

Eric: Herb, judge.

Herb: Only if I can wear the wig.

Eric: Deal.

Elizabeth: [Herb is putting on a wig] . Herb, what are you doing?

Herb: This is a democracy, weird things happen.

Anna Swan: Hi, nice to meet you.

Danny: Last time we met, you were covered in afterbirth.

Eric: Well, now, there's a line I bet you never heard before.

Brad: So you see, I got this chick back at my apartment, right. She thinks I'm her best friends brother.

Zeke: Why the fuck does she think that?

Brad: Because I told her I was. It was the only way she'd come home with me.

Eric: Do you even know her best friend?

Brad: Of course not, I never know their best friend, but if they believe I know their best friends, then I'm like... Safe.

Zeke: What the fuck you mean safe?

Brad: Safe, you know, it's like she wants to know you have something in common before she lets you in. It's kinda like the college connection. When you meet a chick from college she automatically feels comfortable lettin you nail her. She thinks that you have this common bond all because you go to the same school. All of the sudden,(snaps fingers), SAFE.

Eric: He is....my hero.

Ned Broudy: A hero should accomplish something. I mean, what has Taylor accomplished? We are happily married men.

Eric: Robert. Dude. Great party but... where are all your friends of color?

Eric: I'm hungry. Did your mom give you some of her spicy balls?

Krishna: Don't ever say "spicy balls" and "your mom" in the same sentence.

Krishna: They've decided to try this new policy by housing people by major. It's kinda like when we were in kindergarten.

[Picks up a picture and tosses it at Eric]

Krishna: Remember that, eh? When they grouped us by animals? You're gonna sit at the giraffe table, and-and you're gonna sit at the kangaroo table... Ever notice how every dumb kid always sat at the otter table? Every dumb ass I ever met always say at the otter table. I think they were trying to be nice by not calling them dumb to their face, you know?

Eric: Hey! I sat at the otter table!

Eric: Mr. Reddy, so good to see you again!

Uncle Reddy: Good to see you too. Best of luck in college too.

[Takes out a $20 bill from his breast pocket and gives it to Eric; a cash register rings]

Eric: All right.

[Eric and Krishna are in the car. Krishna turns on the car and Hindi music begins to play]

Krishna: Oh man!

Eric: Dude, is that the new one from Third Eye Blind?

Eric: Hey Kris, you know that ceremony that your mom performed?

Krishna: Don't ask me anything about it. I just wait there 'til she finishes.

Eric: She was blessing us right? We're not married or anything?

Krishna: What?

Eric: It's just that I saw this documentary on the Discovery Channel, and it said that the dot was a symbol of marriage.

Krishna: Look man, whatever it means, If I were you, I'd wipe that shit off your forehead before you start attracting Hari Krishnas or something.

Krishna: This place smells worse than my house!

Eric: You've only been there a couple of hours, how bad can it be?

Krishna: How bad can it be? Well let's see, Bachelor #1, who hasn't shut up since I got here, thinks we're some long-lost brothers from the old country. Bachelor #2 has managed to permanently stink up the place with his mother's cooking. And Bachelor #3, get this, thinks he's some reincarnation of M.C. Hammer.

Sarah: Where to now?

Bob: Oohh, Friday night Trax.

Sarah: Aw, no...

Eric: Bob, Sarah's, like, totally fag bashing.

Sarah: I'm so not fag bashing. Every time we went in college, I was the only woman.

Bob: No, Trax is mixed on Friday nights.

Sarah: Yea, gays AND lesbians.

Beth: Lesbians? Oooh, let's away...

Sterling Scott: [after Bob's and Brendan's night together is revealed] Bob?

Eric: Brendan...

Matt: Eric!

Aunt Alice: Brendan?

Carol: Sarah...

Sarah: Brendan?

Celia: Celia!

Beth: Matt?

Matt: Brendan...

Beth: Whoa!

[Sterling and Sarah faint]

Eric: You should never stop thinking about a life you've taken. That's the price you pay for taking it.

Rey: 'Cause I believe in God and I know Henry believes in God. There's no harm Henry would want to see me come to. I believe in that.

Eric: Look at the harm you've come to and where is Henry?

Rey: He's waiting for me.

Eric: He's not waiting for you.

Rey: Yes, he is.

Eric: No, he's not. I'll tell you what God's given you. He's put a bullet in you and he's abandoned you out here to me. He feels nothing for you. He couldn't give a fuck if you died tomorrow. God gave you a brother who's not waiting for you. He gave you a brother who's not even thinking about you right now. Just 'cause you and him came out of the same woman's hole... The only thing that means anything right now is that I'm here and he's not. Your brother left you to die. That's what people do. You don't learn to fight, your death's going to come real soon.

Eric: What feeling do you have when you wake up in the morning? When your feet touch the floor? Or before that, when you're lying there thinking about your feet hitting the floor. Do you know what I'm talking about?

Henry: What's going on with you, brother?

Henry: [Eric doesn't answer] I said, what's going on with you, brother?

Eric: I want my car back.

Eric: I'm just saying. Said this therapy goes well and it changes my life and I rehabilitate. And then you lay it on for the next geezer and it works for him, and the next. And everything's sweet yeah? Crime rates starts to come down, police got less people to nick, courts got less people to convict.

Eric: Pretty soon you're out of a job.

Eric: [Prison Guard moans and twitches in discomfort] Do you mind?

[We've been following Benny down the hallway and watch as he comes upon Eric berating and standing over Mr. Luce]

Eric: Yeah, you did, and I should shoot you right now for it, you know I should. But I think I just might let you live, maybe, because I want you to know this... and the next kids that come up to you with their problems... that they're being picked on, you should listen to them... no matter what twisted shit they say.

Eric: [Turns and shoots Benny through the heart] Fuck! Anyway, Mr. Luce, whatever. You know there's other like us out there, too. And they will kill you if you fuck with them like you did me and Jared. Get out of here, before I change my mind. Go!

Eric: [Mr. Luce gets up and runs for his life. Eric changes his mind and shoots him down] Bitch!

Eric: I ain't putting shit down!

Eric: You're one of the loneliest people I've ever met...

Eric: You're one of the loneliest people I've ever met...

Eric: Someone once said friends are just God's way of apologizing for family.

Allison: If I say one word, it's, like "Look at your life. There are people starving in India."

Eric: There are people starving in Santa Monica, you know.

Eric: So, what're you doing then? On your holidays?

Jack Carter: No, I'm visiting relatives.

Eric: Oh, that's nice.

Jack Carter: It would be... if they were still living.

Eric: Good God!

Jack Carter: Is he?

Eric: In Paris, it's good to smell like you've been fucking to make them respect you.

Eric: We go in. We get what we want. We come out.

Eric: Why can't you just act like a normal person and reject me?

Eric: Have you ever given a woman an orgasm?

Johnny: I don't know... it was dark.

Eric: You know what sucks the most? Is that, I love someone who will never ever feel the same way about me, you know? Not even a chance. It's the worst thing.

Eric: Why can't you just reject me like everyone else?

Eric: Tie the bimbo up!

Eric: It's all good cause were gonna get club Landon and Club Eric jumping up in here. Oh, what do we got here ?

[Landon turns the CD player on]

Eric: Whoa, okay, okay, so your not really feeling my hip-hop, but what the hell is this?

Landon: Jamie lent it to me.

Eric: Now she's got you listening to her people music?

Landon: Okay... her people?

Eric: Yeah. Her... uh, bible-hugging, crucifix-wearing, honk-if-you-love-Jesus-people.

Landon: She's not like that.

Eric: Talk to me man.

Landon: About what?

Eric: About you, about Jamie.

Landon: What's there to talk about? She's the best person I've ever known.

Jamie: [Speaking to someone else] This is a star frame and it will help you locate stars and planets with your naked eye. Mercury and Jupiter can be seen just over the west south west of the horizon after sunset.

Dean: Bet you can see angels up there flying around.

Jamie: In fact, there are some things that they call miraculous. Einstein said the more he studied the universe, the more he believed in a higher power.

Dean: Well, if there is a higher power, then why is it he can't get you a new sweater?

[His friends laugh]

Jamie: He's too busy looking for your brain.

Eric: Ohhhhh, dayaaaaam!

[laughing]

Eric: Well, you know you got Belinda thinking that little lip action between you and Jamie was real.

[landon looks nervous while he still works]

Eric: Whats with you, man? It's like you don't even have time for your real friends anymore.

Landon: I dont know man, I'm just tired of doing the same old shit everyday.

Eric: This girl is changing you and you don't even know it.

Landon: Hah. Did Belinda say that too?

Eric: No, I did.

Eric: [reading lines passionately for Landon] Nothing's coincidence, baby. You know you're the only one who can make me sing.

[jokingly pretending to hump Mrs. Garber]

Eric: Oh yeah Miss Garber, oh, you gonna put Eric in all your plays!

[as Miss Garber]

Eric: Oh Eric, I'm gonna put you in all my plays!

Eric: Hey man, tell them maybe do, like, West Side Story, you know, get that nice big booty lookin' girl from Selena, ya know, "Maria, Maria!"

Eric: It is true; I've seen the man bust a move and it just ain't pretty.

Eric: What is scary about commitment is that your life becomes real. It is not a plan, it is not what you had hoped for - it is real.

Wendy: You'd better be careful.

Eric: Of what?

Wendy: I'm serious, Eric. You're not in Modesto anymore. I see the way you look at him.

Eric: He's so beautiful. I can't help it. He's like a god.

Wendy: You don't have to tell me, I was infatuated with him too once. But I know all Neil's secrets and there's shit there you don't even want to know about. Trust me. Once I'm gone, you'll be all Neil has and you have to understand one thing. Where normal people have a heart, Neil McCormick has a bottomless black hole. And if you don't watch out, you can fall in and get lost forever.

Eric: [in a postcard to Neil] So you still haven't written - big surprise - but Wendy says you're doing OK, which is cool. I've been wanting to tell you about this strange guy I met 3 weeks ago. No, we're not fucking, get your mind out of the gutter, perv. He's not even gay, I don't think - in fact, his vibe is kinda weirdly asexual. His name is Brian Lackey. He lives in Little River and, like yours truly, attends Hutchinson Loser Community College... So anyways, the day you left, your mom and I found him literally on your doorstep, looking for you. He says you and him played Little League together like 10 years ago. He was the worst player on the team, blah-blah-blah-blah-blah... He's full of questions about you. But, of course, I haven't told him much, i.e. about your "line of work". I did say you were queer like me, only 'cause I figured you wouldn't care. But now, are you ready for the good part? He thinks that when you and him were little, you were both abducted and examined by space aliens. How brilliant is that? But he was completely serious when he told me this. Like you should've seen the look in his eyes. So, what's the story, dude? Were you abducted by a UFO or what? P.S. - Are your crabs gone yet?

Eric: I got a postcard from Wendy.

Neil: I think she's mad at me because I owe her like 3 letters.

Eric: Yeah, her last P.S. is "Tell Fuckface to write me."

Brian: [giggles]

Eric: What?

Brian: I'm drunk. I've never been drunk in my life.

Eric: I'm corrupting you. Finally.

Eric: Incognito boy scott?

Eric: Okay's a relative term.

Christina: Do you have a lot of friends?

Eric: Not really...

Christina: Do you ever wish you did?

Eric: Yeah.

Christina: When?

Eric: Well... like... now, for instance.

Christina: Why?

Eric: Well... I just met you. And I feel like telling somebody about it.

[clapping]

Eric: Yeah! Bring those big hairy palms together, gentlemen, have a nice big, round of applause... for Kali! Kali. Yes, indeed, Kali. And you, too, can - you, too, can have Kali come over to your table for only five dollars, where she can show you the mysteries of her world. Trust me, gentlemen, trust me.

Eric: Do it for me, baby! Oh! My god, that's incredible, incredible! Let me ask you something, gentlemen: What is it that gives a schoolgirl her special innocence? Her sweet fragrance... Fresh flowers, light as a spring rain... Oh, my god, my god... Or is it her firm, young flesh, inviting your every caress, enticing you to explore her deepest and most private secrets? Well, gentlemen, I'm gonna let you decide that one for yourselves. Please join me in welcoming a sassy bit of jailbait to our stage. Yes, indeed. Come out, sweet Chrissy! Wherever you are, baby, come on out!

Eric: He comes in here every other night. He has his favorite drink, and his favourite table, with his favorite dancer. Sometimes he has to wait for her, and sometimes she's waiting for him, to protect him. She's his angel.

Eric: Mmm, what? What is it? What is it that gives a school-girl her special innocence? Is it the way they smell? The sweet smell of their perfume... , of their hair? The aroma of fresh flowers... , and all that other stuff that hasn't been fucked up by late nights and a lot 'a bad food? Is it their gestures... , and the way they move? The way their body still holds on to some semblance of self-respect and... , and dignity? When they wrap their beautiful legs around you - tight, holding on - looking at you... , you looking at them. It's just... Or is it whatever comes out of their cute little mouths? All those questions, all that wondering that... It's just, you know, you... They got their whole lives ahead of them, you know? And you've wasted half of yours away. Damn. What is it?

Lulu: Do you guys live here together?

Eric: Just me and Duncan.

Lulu: You two lovers?

Eric: No, we have separate bedrooms. Would you like to see them?

Lulu: Maybe after you open this beer.

Eric: Oh yeah. I got laid.

David: [David is patching up Natalie after she cut off her possessed arm] Everything's gonna be okay. You're fine.

Eric: She just cut her fucking arm off. Does that sound fine?

Eric: I just don't want to become the devil's bitch.

Eric: [reading from the Naturom Demonto] Kunda... Astratta... Montosse... Canda.

[from trailer]

David: Everything's gonna be fine!

Eric: Everything's gonna be fine? Everything's gonna be fine. I don't know if you noticed this, but... Nothing's fine. Everything's been getting worse... every second.

Eric: [possessed] He's coming.

Eric: What kind of a virus makes someone cut their face off with a piece of glass?

Eric: I don't think we're dealing with a freakin' panic attack here!

[from trailer]

Eric: [explaining Mia's possession] This thing is attached to Mia's soul like a leech. If I'm reading this right, it's become her. If we want to help Mia... we're gonna have to kill her.

Eric: [Eric just walked into Possessed Olivia after cutting out her cheek] Oh, my god! Why the fuck did you do that?

Eric: [near death, smiling] David... I missed you, man!

Eric: [possessed; burning] JOIN US! JOIN US!

Olivia: [sees Eric reading through the Naturom Demonto] Eric, what are you doing? I thought I told you to throw that away. You should be down there helping your friend clean up that mess.

Eric: I don't know who you're talking about.

Olivia: Come on, don't act like you don't care about him. I know you do.

Eric: Well, I think we can all agree that he stopped caring about us for the past freakin' century.

Olivia: Well, he's here now.

Eric: Yeah... truly amazing.

Eric: I've sucked enough souls to make me more powerful than anyone else.

Cole: You certainly suck more than anyone else.

Eric: I think I'm kinda evil, too. It's weird.

Eric: So.. um.. time to die?

Herman: Can I have Breakfast first?

Chrissie: What are you doing?

Eric: Shh, i gotta sneak up on them, and catch them.

Chrissie: Catch who?

Eric: Gooks in the swamp.

Chrissie: Eric, the only thing you're gonna catch in this water's disease!

Jeff: How about you? Are you here by yourself?

Mathias: Mm-mm, no, with my brother, but he, uh, left with some girl, ja.

Jeff: Left... here? Mexico, or...

Mathias: Ah, no, no. She's an archaeologist. He went with her to a dig site.

Amy: And what are they digging?

Jeff: Like an excavation?

Mathias: Yeah, some ruins, I think. A Mayan temple.

Jeff: Kind of like the ones that nobody here wanted to go to, the entire time that we've been here.

Mathias: Apparently, it is not even in the guide books. VIP only.

Eric: Yeah, see, Jeff, that's something I would do.

[upon seeing a drunken Amy dancing with Mathias]

Eric: How much you want to bet she kisses him?

Stacy: She's freaking out that Jeff's med school is like two thousand miles away, okay?

Eric: Okay, how much?

Stacy: She's not going to kiss him.

Eric: Alright, you know what? Oral sex, the winner receives.

Stacy: [shaking his hand] Oral sex? Okay.

Amy: [after the taxi leaves] Wait, how are we going to get back?

Jeff: [holding business card] Well, we're going to call him when we get out.

Amy: With what? We're not going to get a signal out here.

Mathias: Yeah, my phone should work. It's a world phone.

Eric: [holding his cell phone] Hello, can you hear me now?

Eric: So, there was this girl who got really really drunk one night...

Stacy: ...but she sobered up really really quickly...

Mathias: Who is this?

Amy: Just a stupid game they were playing last night.

Eric: ...but not before she stuck her tongue down some guy's throat.

[Amy knocks Eric's hat off]

Eric: We could be walking through an ancient graveyard right now, like a bone depository or something.

Stacy: I doubt that.

[Eric mimics Stacy to himself]

Stacy: Did you just mimic me?

Eric: No, no I was just agreeing with you.

Jeff: Eric, get your phone out.

Eric: There's no signal.

Jeff: Really? Because if there was a signal on the road, you should...

Eric: No, I didn't get one.

Amy: What do you mean?

Eric: No, I mean I never said...

Amy: Can you hear me now? What the fuck was that, Eric?

Jeff: [grabbing a water bottle from Stacy] We should save this.

Eric: Hey, she's thirsty.

Jeff: I know, it's just that we don't have that much.

Eric: Well why do you get to decide Jeff?

Jeff: Okay, well we can all decide. But just keep in mind that each of us needs a half a gallon of water every day just to survive. And right now, we don't even have a day's worth.

Jeff: He won't last much longer like this. We have to cut 'em off.

Amy: Cut what off?

Jeff: His legs.

Eric: Tell me you're joking.

Jeff: He'll die if we don't.

Eric: Please tell me you're joking.

Jeff: He'll get infected, if he isn't already. Septicemia.

Eric: Well, what the hell is septicemia, Jeff?

Jeff: An infection, usually in the bones when it's exposed to bacteria.

Eric: You're fucking crazy.

Jeff: I'm telling you he won't last through the day like this.

Amy: Without anesthesia?

Jeff: He has no feeling beneath his waist. The tourniquets are already in place. We gotta cut below them.

Amy: With what?

[Jeff pulls out a knife]

Amy: A knife?

Jeff: We have to break the bones first, and then cut.

Eric: We're not cutting his legs off with a fucking hunting knife, Jeff!

Jeff: There's no flesh covering his bones, Eric. He is going to die.

Amy: Do you think they're going to find us?

Eric: Honestly, I think making a run for it is our only chance.

[after seeing the vines nearly choke Mathias to death - which was planned by the vines to happen regardless of the group's help]

Eric: [sarcastic / deadpan] Well, thank God we cut his legs off.

Stacy: [hurrying to catch the bus] Jeff is going to be pissed if we miss it.

Eric: Oh, the terrible wrath of Jeff, followed by I'm sure the more frightening whining of Amy.

Stacy: She's not that bad.

Eric: No, but I bet she's feeling pretty awkward right now, wouldn't you?

Eric: [smiling after collecting on his bet] Ready?

Amy: What are you so happy about?

Jeff: [seeing the Mayans on the ground] They keep coming. They're setting up camps.

Stacy: Why are they doing this?

Eric: Maybe they're preparing for something, like a sacrifice?

Jeff: It has something to do with the ruins. They won't come up here, and now that we're here they won't let us leave.

Eric: So what do we do? Just wait for someone to find us?

Stacy: Who?

Mathias: The Greeks?

Jeff: Dimitri left them a copy of the map before we left.

Eric: Yeah, what if they decide not to come Jeff?

Jeff: Then somebody else will. We're supposed to check out of the hotel tomorrow; the hotel's going to call the police.

Eric: When?

Jeff: Tomorrow, or the day after.

Amy: Our flight leaves tomorrow, Jeff.

Jeff: I know Amy, but we know what happens if we leave.

Cece: [Grabs the Baka from around her grandma's neck] Sheriff! Was there a suitcase?

Sheriff: I'm sorry, child?

Cece: In the car, was there a suitcase in the car?

Sheriff: Yeah, there was. We pulled it out, it was empty though.

Cece: Oh, my god. Oh, my god.

Eden Sinclair: Cece, are you ok?

Cece: What happened?

Eden Sinclair: It was an accident.

Cece: No, what happened to Ray? They said that Ray was in the car.

Eric: The car went in the water. He drowned.

Cece: Is that true?

Sheriff: Either that or the swamp snakes got him. We don't know for sure.

Sean: That can't be Ray.

Rachel: It's Ray, Sean.

Sean: Yeah, but Ray is dead.

[Ray throws a chain through the window, wrapping around sean's neck, dragging him out]

Rachel, Eden Sinclair, Eric, Cece: SEAN!

Cece: I can make a doll.

Eden Sinclair: A doll? What would that do?

Cece: The evil is inside Ray's body. I can't stop that, but maybe I can stop his body long enough for us to get out of here. It's worth a try.

Eden Sinclair: Are you talking about a voodoo doll?

Cece: If I had something of Ray's, like some, some hair, or some clothing, some actual part of him, I could make a doll.

Eric: So who's gonna go outside and pull a lock of hair?

Eden Sinclair: Will blood work?

Rachel: What are you talking about?

Eden Sinclair: Sean is his son. Ray's blood is running through him. That would work, right?

Cece: Blood works best.

Sean: So you're just gonna stare at her through plate glass all night, huh?

Eric: She doesn't wanna talk. I can tell by her posture.

Eric: Eden? Eden, come on!

[She gets off her bike. He walks up to her]

Eric: What's going on?

Eden Sinclair: You broke up with me, Eric.

Eric: What are you talking about? I didn't break up with you! You broke up with me!

Eden Sinclair: I said we should get serious about me going away to school.

Eric: Yeah, to LSU, not Columbia.

Eden Sinclair: The grants came through. I mean, what was I supposed to do?

Eric: Well, how about telling me you applied to Columbia in the first place?

Eden Sinclair: I knew you'd get upset.

Eric: Oh, so you just announced one day, "Oh, by the way, I'm going to school in New York, not Baton Rouge like we planned for three years?" We were gonna see each other on weekends! That was the plan!

Eden Sinclair: There is nothing here for me! I mean, you have your dad's business. Be realistic, Eric! I mean, I'm gonna have to move away!

Eric: What? You can't be a doctor here?

Eden Sinclair: I don't want this town!

Eric: You sure? Or is it me you don't want?

Eric: [Trying to stop Sean, who's drunk, from driving. He drives away anyway] Drunk fucker!

Sean: [Comes out of the gas station owned by Ray] Guess this is all mine now, huh? You know what I'm gonna do? I've been thinking about this. I'm gonna repaint this place, you know? Bring the business back to The Happy Time Gas Station. What do you think, a light blue, maybe? A sunny yellow, perhaps? Just something real happy, right?

Eric: Come on, Sean. I'll take you home.

Sean: [Grabs the gas hose, leaning against the pump] How do I look? Do I, do I look like I'm gonna be a good gas pumper, huh? Of course, I'm gonna have to get a tattoo, right? A big scar. Cuz if I'm gonna be the new town freak, I gotta make sure I do it all the way, correct?

[Steps on the bell. Does it a few more times, seemingly amused]

Sean: So what do you think, man? You think I got what it takes? Are people gonna come through here and ring my bell? Huh?

[Keeps stepping on the bell]

Sean: Are they gonna ring my bell? Huh? You think they'll come through?

Eric: Don't do this, man.

Sean: Don't do what? Yeah, don't worry, dad, I'm gonna make you real fucking, real proud!

[Picks up a tire rim and throws it through the window]

Eric: He's gone again.

Eden Sinclair: She's dead. They're all dead. I can't believe...

Eric: No, no, no, no, no! Listen to me, listen to me. We have to keep moving, ok? We're gonna get through this, you and me, together. And my ass is going to New York with you. Fuck this town.

Sean: Are you fucking kidding me?

Ricky: I swer to god. I am not making this up!

Eden Sinclair: You guys, what's going on?

Ricky: The town is upside down! Deputy Turner, and Terry Parker, who works at the morgue are both missing! And here's the really fucked up part. So is Ray Sawyer!

Eric: Ray's dead, Ricky.

Ricky: Yeah. That's the really fucked up part! His *body's* missing!

Eric: I think I split her in two.

[Andrews wakes up with a shout]

Mason: [shouting] Hey, Andrews, you okay?

Eric: What happened?

Lance: Maybe he got his dick caught in a zipper.

[Rachel flashes Eric]

Eric: Mm. Now, those are my kind of dunes.

Eric: Let's take the tape player and go off into the woods?

Laura: No WAY, Eric! There's too many MOSQUITOES!

Eric: What is he, a drag queen?

Clinton: What do you want me to do, drop trou right here and now?

Eric, Berson: Yes!

Berson: Dude, Clinton, just take the pill and stick it up your ass. It's not brain surgery.

Eric: You are wondering how I got your number? You gave it to me. Oh yeah you pretty much gave it to me. Well I know you don't remember that because you didn't give it to me.

Eric: Besides all these guests are about to come over, including Hillary. Oh shit! The guests are here.

Tierrney: Have you discovered Ouzo, yeah?

Eric: Actually, I don't drink...

Tierrney: Aww... When God made the grape, He said, "Give it to the Greeks, they know what to do with it."

Tierrney: [Holding a bottle of Ouzo] Look at that: one hundred percent Greek - produced nowhere else on the planet. It's not just a drink, it's a way of life. It's a passport to life. Yes. It's the lubricant that smoothes out the rough patches on these roads. It's a smile, laddie. A laugh. A salute to the sun and the breeze and the color of the sea. Here, take a whiff.

Eric: [Sniffs the glass, not showing much interest] I'm sure it's...

Tierrney: [Cutting him off] Distilled, right? Right! And not a drop of sugar added, so, no awkward ghastly side effects, and no hangovers. It's a bloody miracle. What a pity your father never acquired a taste for it.

Eric: [Curious about how the work is going at Tierney's current archeological dig site] When's the last time you made a find?

Tierrney: Last time I made one? Or last time I reported one? See, the sad truth is, old boy, we've been experiencing diminishing returns. The well went dry some time ago. Well, *almost* dry... We do find bits of moisture every now and then.

Eric: I'm not following you...

Tierrney: Well, the stuff we're producing these days - most of it, anyway - is "used goods": stuff we found two years ago. Three, even.

Eric: You're telling me you didn't report it at the time you found it?

Tierrney: Well, some of it, not all. By holding a few of the objects back from time to time, don't you see, we can "discover" them when we want to - or "need" to. So we keep the funds flowing in this direction.

Eric: I see.

Tierrney: Well, it's not just MY life I'm talking about. There's an industry here. It's nothing grand, but it's better than being unemployed. What would you have me do, chuck it? What, the equipment, the jobs, the welfare, the ouzo?

Eric: I've heard about the Revelations since I was a kid. The beast, the dragon, the seven plagues, eternal darkness, the end of the world. And now here I am.

Katerina: His revelation wasn't only about the end of the sinful world. But also about the light, love and rebirth of a new one.

Eric: but it's the scary stuff that kinda sticks in your mind.

Eric: We're not partners anymore

Twin double: What did you say?

Eric: Things change

Twin double: No, no Eric man, you've changed

Eric: Yeah, that's right I've changed. So should you

Twin double: You ok?

Eric: No. I'll grow old and die of flipping burgers