Elvira Quotes in Shag (1989)

Elvira: Y'all is the horniest bunch of white folks I ever seen!

Elvira: And if they ever ask about me, tell them I was more than just a great set of boobs. I was also an incredible pair of legs. And tell them... tell them that I never turned down a friend. I... never turned down a stranger for that matter. And tell them... tell them that when all is said and done, I only ask that people remember me by two simple words.

[stops to think]

Elvira: Any two, as long as they're simple.

[breaks down crying]

[Elvira is late for the reading of her aunt's will]

Elvira: Hey guys! Sorry I'm late, but then, so is my aunt.

Chastity Pariah: [seeing Elvira arriving] Well, I never.

Elvira: Yeah, and you never will with those soup cans on your head.

Chastity Pariah: Listen, young lady. I don't know who your are or where you came from, but you most certainly don't fit in this town. Why, you don't even fit in that dress.

Elvira: Listen sister, if I want your opinion, I'll beat it out of you.

Vincent Talbot: I must apologize for my behavior in the office, it's just that your appearance was a bit of a shock to me.

Elvira: It's okay. My appearance is kind of a shock to everybody.

Bob Redding: How's your head?

Elvira: I haven't had any complaints yet.

Elvira: I'd bend over backwards. I'd bend over forwards.

Bob Redding: I run the movie house.

Elvira: Oh, really? I'm in movies too! Have you ever shown, uh, "I Married Satan"?

Bob Redding: No...

Elvira: How about the sequel, "I Married Satan 2"?

Bob Redding: I, ah... I can only play G-rated movies.

Elvira: Oh well, there's nothing wrong with G-rated movies, as long as there's lots of sex and violence.

Elvira: Bloody Mary.

Bartender: No hard liquor served past eight o'clock. Do you want a virgin?

Elvira: Maybe, but, ah... I'll have a couple of drinks first.

Elvira: Grab a tool and start banging.

Elvira: Yeah, I'll do it for fifty bucks.

Patty: Seems to me it's all this cheap little tart's fault.

Elvira: Cheap. Who are you callin' cheap? What's that perfume you're wearing, catch of the day?

Chastity Pariah: Well, if she's morally unfit, then we have every right to do anything we can to get her out of this town. Are we agreed?

Mr. Clotter: I never laid a hand on those sheep, so help me.

Elvira: I have seen the People's Court. I'm entitled to one phone call and a strip search.

Elvira: And don't forget, tomorrow we're showing the head with two things... I mean the thing with two heads. Until then, this is Elvira saying unpleasant dreams.

Bob Redding: No, you didn't.

Elvira: Well, it is a pot luck. And believe me, when they open that pot, they're gonna need all the luck they can get. Revenge is better than Christmas.

Bob Redding: Well, at least you still have the ring.

Elvira: Yeah, but now all I can make it do is look cheap.

Elvira: What is there to do for fun around here?

Robin Meeker: This town isn't big on fun. But there is one place! The bowling alley. It gets pretty wild on league night.

Elvira: Gee, I think I can handle it.

Elvira: [ringing the motel bell] I hate to interrupt this little episode of the Waltons. But can I have a room?

Mrs. Meeker: Okay, but it's cash up from. I know what you pinko heavy metal weirdos do to hotel rooms. I read all about it in the Star.

Earl Hooter: The name's Earl, but the ladies back home call me Longhorn, maybe you can guess why.

Elvira: Gee, I don't know, does it have anything to do with your breath?

Bob Redding: You know what your problem is? Chastity Pariah.

Elvira: Oh. I thought that cleared up.

Anchorwoman: Is there anything that could possibly shame you?

Elvira: Yeah,

[flicks anchorwoman's scarf]

Elvira: wearing this out in public might do it.

Elvira: I didn't know I had a good aunt, let alone a great one.

Cop: Do you know you were doing fifty in a twenty five miles per hour zone?

Elvira: No, but if you hum a few bars I'll fake it.

Lesley Meeker: We do have a room. Remember the trucker with the bad skin checked out yesterday?

Elvira: I hope you changed the sheets.

Elvira: My name's Elvira but you can call me 'tonight'.

Earl Hooter: Sounds like your looking to get yourself fired, little lady.

Elvira: Yeah, go ahead and fire me. I need this job like a leper needs a three-way mirror!

Elvira: Hey, nice jacket. Who shot the couch?

Elvira: I've never been so humiliated in my life! Just wait until I get my hands on that Patty. I'm going to rip out every single bleach blonde hair out of her scalp, gouge out her eyeballs, then use her head for a bowling ball!

Bob Redding: What's that perfume you're wearing?

Elvira: Supper Unleaded... Don't smoke!

Sheriff: Do you smoke?

[offering a cigarette]

Elvira: Guess we'll find out soon enough.

Elvira: Whoa. Must have taken too much antacid in the sixties.

Elvira: [criticising her neighbour] I cook Puchero, she cooks Puchero; I cook ravioli, she cooks ravioli. What a country!

Elvira: [to her daughter] You mental handicapped! Who taught you to leave the phone unhooked?

Matilde: Nobody! I learned myself.

Elvira: [to Nora at the funeral, listening some people crying about Mama Cora was too young to die] The 'Petite Emilia'! The things you have to hear! Did you hear that? The old woman was almost 80! What did they want? That she reached 100? If I get to live only one more day after my 80th birthday, I kill myself! I swear!

Nora: That's what she did.

Elvira: Oh... That's what she did, you're right!

Nora: [when Elvira is trying to take her sunglasses off] No! Not my sunglasses! I hate noon's sunlight.

Elvira: Oh, right...

[to Sergio, her husband, as she leaves]

Elvira: Sergio! take care of the 'drinks'

[in English]

Nora: [ironically, to Sergio] 'Drinks'? Those language lessons seem to be paying off.

Sergio: Yes, she already learned how to say 'No' in four different languages.

[last lines]

Elvira: ...what are you laughing about?

Susana: I'm laughing about you...

Susana: [looking at the camera]

Susana: I'm laughing about all of us.

Susana: [crying about their mother-in-law who seems to have commited suicide] This is horrible... Jorge will never forgive me.

Elvira: Oh, he will. He's a poor, spineless man.

Susana: [sobbing] I will never forgive myself.

Elvira: Oh. That's a whole different thing... If you have any reasons to feel guilty...

Susana: And you? What is it you do so you don't feel remorse?

Elvira: Me? Nothing. I do what I am supposed to do, try not to be unfair to people...

Nora: Yet me, who are the less guilty of us all, I'm full of aweful remorses!

Elvira: Why less guilty? You are as innocent as I am!

Nora: Elvira, I wouldn't like to put my finger on an open sore... but in the end you and Sergio are living in what used to be Mama Cora's house. And these are her furnitures!

Elvira: [to her in-laws] What are you doing here? Who called you here? I surely didn't! Has anyone by any chance heard my voice calling you?

Susana: We came to see you, because we believe you are the one who wears the trousers in this house, and we know the rock you have as heart!

Elvira: You, of all people dare to talk about my heart? You! Who didn't hesitate in sending away a poor old martyr lady to the street just because she ruined a f... ing mayonnaise?

Susana: Nobody sent her away!

Elvira: [to a friend of her daughter] What a nice little dress! You look just like a model! Now go inside the house and stay with Matilde for a while, she's so shocked.

[after the girl enters the house]

Elvira: What a horrible creature! She looks like her father with every day that passes!

Elvira: Who does recognize their own mother by the shoes only? What a family! And here we are all dying of pain as idiots!

Susana: [fighting with her sister-in-law in front of Nora and Matilde] If I only used those three stupid reasons you just mentioned to say one only little thing that I happen to know...!

Elvira: What do you have to say?

Susana: Oh... nothing.

Elvira: [mocking her] 'Oh... nothing'! Don't give me now the 'Oh... nothing'! Or do you think you are going to spoil my reputation as you just spoiled my carpet! And don't stay standing there like a Greek mummy, sowing the seed of doubt in Nora and Matilde. If you have something to say... just spit it out!

Elvira: [fighting loudly with her husband] ... hey, hey, hey, don't take flight since you're not a kite! And stop yelling at me if you don't want me to go for help to the nun's convent!

Nora: [standing up, sick of the shouting] Oh, no! no! I'm leaving! I can't no longer cope with this! In my house nobody ever raised his voice, not even to say 'good morning', so, I believe you are all very kind and very lovable, but I'm leaving...

[to Antonio, her husband]

Nora: Antonio!

Antonio: [reading the newspaper, with a bored expression] Nora, what happens now?

Nora: [leaving the house, followed by everyone else] My nerves aren't made of steel! My problem is not that I'm sensitive, I'm hyper-sensitive!

Elvira: [outside the house] What a heat! It's so hot! That must be why nobody came to the funeral. We would have had much more success if the old woman died in winter... and on a work day!

Nora: You're right.

Elvira: [hanging up the phone] Well, it seems we've gotten the wrong corpse!

Emilia: What?

Elvira: The woman we've been mourning all day is not your mother! It's a hungarian woman who commited suicide and left a note saying so. Her daughter is coming here to pick up the corpse. But why? I say, why these communists can't stay in their own country?

Ma: There's Joan Crawford, right over there. See.

Elvira: Oh, Mother, don't speak so loud.

Larry: Mr. Niblo, this is the little lady I was speaking to you about.

Fred Niblo: Oh, this is the little country flower. Oh, that's charming. Very charming, in deed. Won't you stand up, my dear, let me look at you. - - Oh, very nice! Very nice, in deed, Miss...

Elvira: Plunkett.

Fred Niblo: Miss Plunkett.

Elvira: And, eh, this is my mother, Mr. Niblo.

Fred Niblo: Oh, how do you do, Mrs...

Ma: Plunkett too.

Fred Niblo: Oh, two Plunketts. Charming.

Larry: I was going to ask you to come up to my apartment. You see, the phonograph company has just sent me a record of my new song. And I wanted very much to have you hear it.

Elvira: Up to your apartment? Well, I don't know. Do you think it will be all right?

Larry: Oh, perfectly all right. Yes, of course. Come on. Come on, let's hurry.

Elvira: I'm ashamed of you Oswald Obadiah Jones!

Terry: Oswald Obadiah? Whooo-whooo! Oswald Obadiah! I've been waiting for that for years! Oswald Obadiah!

Terry, Romance: Oswald Obadiah! Oswald Obadiah!

Elvira: I have come to thank you for giving me Carlitos back.

Dr. Carlos Escalante: Carlitos! Have you said... Carlitos! Then, who is...

Elvira: His father?

Dr. Carlos Escalante: Yes.

Elvira: Doesn't his name tell you anything?

Dr. Carlos Escalante: Me?

Elvira: So hasn't your heart told you when you were operating him?

Dr. Carlos Escalante: Yes! Now I understand what I felt upon seeing him hurt.