Elmer Fishpaw Quotes in Polyester (1981)

Elmer Fishpaw: [driving around his driveway, laughing while taunting Francine over a loudspeaker system attached to the roof of his car] Francine Fishpaw lives at 538 Wyman Way. She weighs 300 pounds, and is an alcoholic! She eats an entire cake at one sitting. You should see her stretch marks! Because of her drunkenness, both of her children are delinquents. She's the hairiest woman I've ever laid eyes on!

Elmer Fishpaw: Choose your words with care, and I won't get riled!

Francine Fishpaw: Oh Elmer, that dog stinks to high heaven. You'll be permeated by his odor.

Elmer Fishpaw: Yeah? Well, this whole world stinks, Francine, so get used to it! You and that big nose of yours are startin' to get on my nerves. Snortin' around the place like a goddamned anteater. I've about had it with you. Gimme that drink! Hurry up!

Picket Reporter: [vocal protesters, along with a news crew, are gathered outside the Fishpaws' front porch] Mr. Fishpaw, I'm Jerry Haller from Channel 12 News. Um, I was wondering, could you make a comment on this demonstration against your X-rated movie theater?

Elmer Fishpaw: I'll show any movie I wanna show! This is a free country, isn't it? Our current attraction is "My Burning Bush." We have shows daily at 2, 4, 6, 8 and 10 o'clock!

[proceeds to laugh derisively at the gathered protesters]

Elmer Fishpaw: How's my baby doin' in school?

Lu-Lu Fishpaw: I learned all about my cervix in sex education yesterday!

[Elmer's face drops]

Elmer Fishpaw: Come on, Sandra. Get dressed. Let's go to some snazzy cocktail lounge and celebrate my new freedom.

Sandra Sullivan: But Elmer, what about Dexter and little Lu-Lu?

Elmer Fishpaw: [scoffing] Those two little bastards are a perfect argument for birth control. Children would get in the way of our erotic lifestyle!

Elmer Fishpaw: She's the hairiest woman I've ever laid eyes on!

Francine Fishpaw: I'll never be able to show my face in church again! I'll be excommunicated because of YOU!

Elmer Fishpaw: Stop that yammering and fix me a drink!

Elmer Fishpaw: [as Francine kneels by the bed to pray] What the hell are *you* doing?

Francine Fishpaw: Saying my prayers. Asking God to forgive you for showing *dirty* movies!

Elmer Fishpaw: Oh, I don't believe this! I gotta' goddamned nun for a wife!

Elmer Fishpaw: Get up, Francine, you big oaf! I want some breakfast!

Francine Fishpaw: What time is it?

Elmer Fishpaw: Time to get that fat ass out of bed, that's what time it is! I guess *I'll* have to fix my own cereal!

Francine Fishpaw: [bursts in on Elmer and Sandra in a motel room] Caught you, didn't I? Right in the act of adultery! I won't stand for this, Elmer. I want a divorce! And a big, fat settlement to go along with it!

Elmer Fishpaw: You'll never get a penny out of me, you fat hunk of cellulite. I only support the women I love!