Elliot Quotes in Open Season (2006)

Elliot: Ian's right, I'm a loser

Boog: No you're not a loser

Elliot: Yes I am!

Boog: No you're not!

Elliot: Yes!

Boog: No!

Elliot: Trust me, you know the day I met you Ian kicked me out of the herd, I lost my antler, I got run over, and tied to the hood of a truck. What do you call that?

Boog: Ahhh... a loser! But check this out... behold the mighty grizzly... I look like a bear, I talk like a bear but I can't fish, I can't climb a tree, I can't even go in the woods!

Elliot: Thats nothing! Half doe, half buck! I'm a duck!

Boog: I ride a unicycle for crackers.

Elliot: I have a glass eye.

Boog: I can't snap.

Elliot: I thought log was a colour.

Boog: I can't see my feet!

Elliot: I killed a man!

[Both laugh]

Elliot: [singing, to the tune of "The Teddy Bears' Picnic"] Once there was a magical elf who lived in a rainbow tree/ He lived downstairs from a flatulent dwarf who constantly had to pee/ One day the elf could take no more/ so he went to bang on the rude dwarf's door/ and what do you know, they suddenly both were marrrrried.

[about the coffee he found in the dumpster]

Elliot: Yuck. Yuck. Yuck! It's terrible and wonderful at the same time! It's like freedom in a cup!

Elliot: [when Boog asks where are the toilets in the forest] Don't look now, but I see a little bush with your name written all over it.

Boog: A bush? Are you serious?

Elliot: Go on. Its just like riding a bicycle, only... you're crapping on it.

[Boog reluctantly goes to the bush]

Elliot: Show us your GRRR face, nature boy!

Boog: [holds Elliot over a cliff] Take a good look around, Elliot. What's missing?

Elliot: Wait, don't tell me, I know this one...

Boog: Timberline is missing!

Elliot: Oh, I was just going to say that.

Boog: My garage is missing. My breakfast, lunch and dinner are missing! My life is missing, and it's all... your... fault!

Elliot: What are you going to do?

[drops him into his hand]

Elliot: AHHHHHHHH!

[realizes that he wasn't falling]

Elliot: Ha ha! you're funny. I was like, "No way" and then I was like, "Uh-huh!" Ha ha ha ha!

[Boog throws him over his shoulder]

[explaining the woods to Boog]

Elliot: Okay, Forest 101: These tall stick things are called trees. The big rocks are called mountains and the little rocks are their babies.

Elliot: I get it. You're like a pet.

Boog: I'm nobody's pet!

Elliot: [Holding up a water dish that reads "Boog"] Right.

Elliot: [standing with his butt in the air, his antler stuck to the ground] Hey, Boog! Look, no hands! Though I think I'm getting a sunburn.

Boog: All right, where's home?

Elliot: Or maybe it's a moonburn. Check it out.

[Boog slaps him in the butt]

Elliot: Ow!

[while Boog and Beth are hugging each other]

Reilly: What's he doing?

McSquizzy: Is he not gonna maul her?

Elliot: No! She's his mom! She's taking us home.

Porcupine: Every buddy?

Elliot: [stuck in the ground] Ok, righty tighty

[turns left]

Elliot: Leeefffttty loosey

[turns right]

Elliot: I feel a little light-headed.

[His one remaining antler falls off]

Boog: [Helium voice] Hello, idiot.

Elliot: [Helium voice] That's Elliot.

Elliot: I call them Woo-hoos. Like in... WOO-HOO!

Elliot: Look at me! I'm a doe and I'm a buck. I'm a DUCK!

Boog: Get out of here!

Elliot: Hey, I took you out of the garage. You should thank me.

Boog: Thank you?

Elliot: You're welcome.

Elliot: You know, I've been thinking, we should have a secret handshake, and like nicknames and stuff. Like, I can call you Boogster, and you can call me the Incredible Mr. E. You like that? I just made it up.

Elliot: [Wearing a gumball dispenser on his head] I come in peace.

Boog: We've been going around in circles!

Elliot: Cir-cle. One time around.

McSquizzy: Is this a private fight or can anybody join? Because McSquezzy wants in.

Boog: Good, 'cause we're gonna need your nuts!

Elliot: And your acorns, too!

Reilly: [about Boog] Hey, guys. Check it out. The largest carnivore in North America. The grizzly bear.

Elliot: And he's a good dancer. We're gonna be in a show.

Elliot: Look at us, we're walking rocks, we don't wear any shoes or socks! la la la la la la la!

Elliot: [singing] Woah, Papa's got a gumball, Nellie. Papa's got a gumball, Sue. Papa's got a gumball, Nellie. I think I'll blow a bubble for you. Woah, Papa's got a pork chop, Nellie. Papa's got a pork chop...

Sedgewick: Will you stop it?

Elliot: What? It's a good song. Don't you like it?

Sedgewick: After the 32nd verse, it grates. Besides, it's making me hungry.

Elliot: You're thinking about her all the time.

Oliver: And you know that because...

Elliot: Because you're not talking about it. I know you.

Elliot: What was that?

Oliver: Historical consciousness. Something bigger than myself.

Elliot: For all my education, accomplishments and so-called wisdom, I can't fathom my own heart.

[first lines]

Elliot: God, she's beautiful. She's got the prettiest eyes. She looks so sexy in that sweater. I just want to be alone with her and hold her and kiss her and tell her how much I love her and take care of her. Stop it you idiot, she's your wife's sister. But I can't help it. I'm consumed by her. It's been months now. I dream about her, I - I - I think about her at the office. Oh Lee, what am I gonna do? I hear myself moaning over you and it's disgusting. Before, when she squeezed past me at the doorway and I smelt that perfume on the back of her neck - Jesus, I - I thought I was gonna swoon. Easy! You're a dignified financial advisor. It doesn't look good for you to swoon.

Frank Cross: Do you think I'm way off base here?

Elliot: Yes. You're, well, you're a tad off base, sir. That thing looked like The Manson Family Christmas Special!

Elliot: Hello, IBC program room.

Preston: This is Rhinelander. Who's the idiot that put that nut on the air?

Elliot: Oh, uh, Brice Cummings is the idiot, sir, but uh... he can't talk to you right now because he's sorta tied up. Uh-huh. Oh, in fact, he just said that you were a flatulating butthead?

Preston: A butthead?

Elliot: He said he never felt that way about a man before, but you really looked good in a suit.

Frank Cross: I'm alive! Yes! I'm *alive*!

Elliot: [aims a shotgun at Frank] Not for long!

Frank Cross: Hey. Are you glad to see me, or is this a shotgun in your pocket?

[toss gun away; it fires]

Frank Cross: All right, you've heard it. How's this for a deal? I hire you back, pay you twice your original salary, and offer you a vice president position. Would you like my office?

Elliot: No, I don't like your office.

Frank Cross: That's SO YOU!

Elliot: What's the catch?

Frank Cross: The catch...

[sniffs]

Frank Cross: ...is that you need to shower, little man. You are RIPE! Whoo!

Frank Cross: Quick! What time is it?

Elliot: Somebody stole my watch!

[Elliot points a shotgun right in Frank's face]

Elliot: Hello, wabbit!

Frank Cross: Could you give me a head start?

Elliot: Sure. One thousand one, one thousand two, one thousand three!

[he fires]

Frank Cross: I am the youngest president in the history of television for a reason: I know the people.

Elliot: Well, uh... granted but the people already wanna watch the show.

Frank Cross: [a pause; shouting] That isn't good enough! They have got to be so scared to miss it! So terrified!

[Quieter tone]

Frank Cross: Now if I were in charge, and I am.

[laughs. IBC Executive laughs along with him but Frank looks at him and he shuts up]

Frank Cross: Perhaps I can help you. Here's the kind of thing I would have done. Grace, cue it up.

[Frank stands in front of the screens. Thunder sounds and ominous music start playing]

Scrooge Promo Announcer: Acid rain.

[Images and sounds of people screaming; Frank makes a screaming face]

Scrooge Promo Announcer: Drug addictions.

[Shows a guy groaning and shooting up on heroin. Scene changes to a jet taking off]

Scrooge Promo Announcer: International terrorism.

[Jet blows up in midair. Scene changes to a guy pulling a shotgun out of a car]

Scrooge Promo Announcer: Freeway killers.

[Guy with shotgun fires]

Scrooge Promo Announcer: Now more than ever...

Frank Cross: [Speaking along with announcer] It is important to remember the true meaning of Christmas.

Scrooge Promo Announcer: Don't miss Charles Dickens' immortal classic Scrooge. Your life...

Frank Cross: [Speaking along with announcer] ... might just depend on it.

[Promo holds on the image of a nuclear explosion. Frank takes a sip of coffee and looks at the executives]

Frank Cross: Not bad, huh?

Frank Cross: It's not too late on Christmas Eve to have fun, you can call an old college roommate, call, you know an old army buddy, call your personal banker. HEY! I don't hear any partying in that booth, Elliot!

Elliot: Great!

[fires shotgun, silent pause down below on the set]

Elliot: You heard him, party!

Frank Cross: Now why wasn't I invited?

Elliot: Now that was just an innocent window and you saw what I did to that! Ugh! You don't know who you're dealing with!

Frank Cross: It's a night, you gotta party hardy Marty!

[In the Ghost of Christmas Future funeral scene, we see Frank, hysterically terrified, banging inside around the coffin, trying to escape and make things right for himself before he is doomed for cremation. It is then that, in the next scene, the elevator doors open]

Frank Cross: [Screaming; banging on the elevator doors as they open] I wanna live!

[Frank is back at the IBC Television Network headquarters office floor, revealing that his doomed future has all been a hallucination]

Frank Cross: [Sceams] I'M ALIVE!

[Hallelujah Chorus plays]

Frank Cross: [relieved] Holy shit, what a break! I'm at work!

[Glances at the network's sun image as Eliot holds a shotgun at Frank]

Frank Cross: Oh, God, it's the sun! I never thought I'd see the sun again. I'm alive!

Elliot: [enraged] Not for long!

Frank Cross: [cheerful] Milkman! Ha!

[Frank hugs and kisses Eliot]

Frank Cross: I'm the Woodstock, baby! I'm gonna start with you.

[kisses Eliot again, this time on the lips]

Frank Cross: You're one of my favorites. Come here! I'm alive and so are you!

[still excited and full of joy]

Frank Cross: Hey! Are you glad to see me, or is this a shotgun in your pocket?

[Frank takes the shotgun, then drops it, causing it to fire a shot]

Frank Cross: Okay, you've heard it. Come on!

[shoves Eliot to the elevators]

Frank Cross: Great!

Elliot: [frightened] Don't hurt me!

Frank Cross: [holds out his right hand for a low five] Real alive! Pink slide!

[Eliot slaps on it... ]

Frank Cross: Coming back!

[then Frank slaps Eliot's hand... ]

Frank Cross: Long sole!

[while Eliot slaps Frank's shoe sole]

Frank Cross: You know this one?

[lifts Eliot's shirt and blows a raspberry nuzzle into his bellybutton]

Frank Cross: That's my thing. I'm gonna do this to everybody.

[blows a raspberry again; Eliot laughs]

Frank Cross: All right, here's the deal.

[spins himself and Eliot around]

Frank Cross: I'll hire you back, twice your original salary, and make you my Vice-President in charge of Programming, and I'll give an office up here. Would you like my office?

Elliot: No, I don't like your office.

Frank Cross: Ha, ha, ha!

[lets Eliot go]

Frank Cross: That's so you!

Elliot: What's the catch?

Frank Cross: The catch, is that you gotta take a shower, little man. You are ripe! Whoa!

Elliot: [confused] There's a problem here. I was looking for a Francis Xavier Cross.

Frank Cross: That's me! But the great thing is, it's not me! The Jews taught me this great word: Schmuck. I was a schmuck, and now... I'm not a schmuck.

[grabs Eliot's neck with his arm]

Frank Cross: Wait a minute. What time is it?

Elliot: Somebody store my watch.

Frank Cross: A quarter to! We didn't miss it! Ha, ha!

[playfully punches on Eliot's chest]

Frank Cross: We didn't miss it!

Elliot: Missed what?

Frank Cross: Christmas! Merry Christmas!

[throws Eliot into the elevator]

Frank Cross: Wah-hoo! Are you alone in there? We're gonna have some fun. You and I are gonna have some fun for once in this life, Loudermilk & Cross together.

[Phone rings in the control room]

Censor Lady: [picks up the receiver, but is snatched by Eliot] Ouch!

Elliot: Hello, um, Control Room. How can I help you?

Preston: This is Rhinelander. I wanna talk to the idiot who put that moron on the air

Elliot: Oh, um, Brice Cummings is the idiot, sir. But he can't talk to you right now 'cause, uh, he's tied up.

[Brice is tied and restrained to a chair]

Elliot: Uh-huh. Yes. In fact, he just said that you were an flatulating butthead.

Preston: [shocked] A butthead?

Elliot: He said he never felt that way about a man before, but he really liked you in a certain way.

[Brice growls and mumbles to explain the truth, but to no avail; Preston, furious, then kicks one of his cats out of the way]

[Eliot burst inside the control room with his shotgun, knocking Brice unconcious]

Censor Lady: [screams] AAH!

Elliot: [yells] Shut up!

[holds the control room people hostage]

Elliot: Don't touch that dial and stay at him!

Luxmore: Their leading man is one Michaelangelo Abraxas, known to many, I am sure, as the elusive Pimpernel of the Popular Movement Against General Manuel Noriega. Abraxas is a man of proven integrity, skilled at clandestine warfare. His second in command, but, I submit, his equal in skill and resolution, is code-named "Marta," another veteran of the anti-Noriega resistance. For cover purposes, she is employed as a counter receptionist by our own Panamanian head agent, the redoubtable "Bucket."

Elliot: [Later] Do you think, personally, this Abraxas is Presidential material?

Cavendish: Oh... Scotty...

Luxmore: Abraxas is world-class. Courageous. Unsullied. Incorruptible. A man to dream of when you're shaping nations.

[Cut to Abraxas packing an armful of liquor bottles as his escape "supplies."]

Lynn: Get out. Get out. You son of a bitch.

Elliot: Think you just insulted yourself, mom.

Lynn: Shut up and go fuck yourself!

[first lines]

Ben: Do you think mom is hot?

Elliot: No, not really.

Ben: Why?

Elliot: I don't know. She's not my type.

Ben: You don't think she's pretty? Even if she wasn't mom.

Elliot: Uh, look, every opinion is objective. You know, maybe she's pretty in a universal sense. Uh, I mean, who the fuck knows? I'm just saying, she doesn't do it for me.

Ben: Do you think other people think she's hot?

Elliot: I don't know, some people fuckin' like McDonalds.

Ben: I like McDonalds.

Elliot: Right, and apparently you think mom is hot, so...

Jenny: So... how's your mom?

Elliot: She's fine, I guess.

Jenny: Interesting. So SHE can stay there, but I can't give birth there? I see how it is.

Jenny: [seeing Elliot's mom] You know, I always pictured her a little different.

Elliot: Different how?

Jenny: Well, I don't see the horns or the tail; so, she already doesn't match your description.

Elliot: Okay, maybe I exaggerated a little bit.

Emma: [checking Elliot's empty refrigerator] Did you get robbed?

Elliot: Yeah, and they just raided the fridge.

Ian: [looking for relationship potential after anonymous sex] Look, we don't have to do all this if you don't want to.

Elliot: What?

Ian: I get it. You're not into it. It's okay.

Elliot: What do you mean?

Ian: Look at you. You're physically moving away from me right now. We should just walk away like nothing happened. I'm not normally that guy, but I can do it.

Clarence Worley: Eliot, do I look like a beautiful blonde with big tits and an ass that tastes like French vanilla ice cream?

Elliot: What?

Clarence Worley: I said do I look like a beautiful blonde with big big tits and an ass that tastes like French vanilla ice cream?

Elliot: No.

Clarence Worley: No. Okay, then why are you telling me all this bullshit, huh? You wanna fuck me?

Elliot: Hi. How are you? My name's Elliot, and I'm with the Cub Scouts of America. We're... we're selling uncut cocaine to get to the jamboree.

Lee: [on the phone] Who the fuck is Dick?

Elliot: [Mishearing him] Huh? You want me to suck his dick?

Lee: [talking on his car phone] So Elliot, how well do you know this Clarence?

Elliot: He's a friend of Dick Richie.

Lee: [muffled] Who the fuck is Dick?

Elliot: Wha... you want me to suck... his dick?

Lee: WHO THE FUCK IS DICK RICHIE?

[Lee Donowitz is discussing possible titles for his next film]

Lee: What does Joe like?

Elliot: Um... "Body Bags 2".

Lee: [Sarcastically] Oooo, that's imaginative. I've got more taste in my penis.

[During a drug bust]

Elliot: This no longer concerns me right? So I'm just going to leave.

Steven: [over a speakerphone with Steven's advisors Nolan and Stein present] In case you forgot Elliot, it's a "zero sum game, I just don't think you got the balls for it.

Elliot: The hell with you Taylor, this time tomorrow neither one of us will have any balls left.

Steven: Just don't panic.

Elliot: you're damn right I am.

Steven: so what's it to you? You dropped $50 million in a day?

Steven: do you know how fast 50 can become 500?

Steven: what's the spot rate?

Elliot: you look at it, we're sitting at ground zero and you're telling me to "think happy thoughts"?

Elliot: [about young girls] Dad, they're pretty, huh?

Jim: Well, ya know, pretty depends on your definition of pretty. Do you think they're pretty?

Elliot: I guess.

Jim: Well then, there you go. That's *your* definition.

Elliot: Is mommy pretty?

Jim: Your mother... Yeah, she's beautiful.

Elliot: I think so, too.

Jim: Yeah. I mean, not in a classical sense, but more in an Emily Dickinson, kind of bookish Tina Fey kind of thing.

[on a dinner table]

Elliot: You're not a boy anymore, son. You're a young man. Do you know how lucky you are this happened while you're in high school so the principal could call your mother? Because in the real world, you're in jail right now.

Joey: I didn't steal anything.

[cell phone rings]

Elliot: [answering] Hello?

Kate: Ben, would you like some more water?

Ben: Yes, please.

Elliot: [on the phone] No. No, let's just leave the way it is. I don't want to change anything at this point.

Kate: [whispering to Elliot] Can we do this later, please?

Elliot: [on the phone] Yeah. I can't talk right now. I'll call you back in half an hour.

[hangs up the phone]

Kate: Thank you.

Elliot: Where were we?

Ben: Jail.

[last lines]

E.T.: Come...

Elliot: [solemnly] Stay...

E.T.: [puts his finger to his glowing heart] Ouch.

Elliot: [mimics the same action, tearfully] Ouch.

E.T.: [E.T. and Elliot embrace each other, then E.T. puts his glowing finger to Elliot's forehead] I'll... be... right... here.

Elliot: [tearfully] ... bye.

Michael: [walks in Elliot's room and sees E.T. in a dress; he chuckles] What's all this shit?

Elliott: E.T. phone home.

Michael: [astonished] My God, he's talking now.

Elliott: Home.

Elliot: E.T. phone home?

Elliott: [points to window] E.T. phone home.

Elliot: [whispers] And they'll come?

Elliott: Come? Home.

[pulls off wig and hat from his head]

Elliott: Home.

Elliot: I wish I was still in college.

Lilly: Growing up doesn't agree with you?

Lilly: I remember when you were a kid. We signed you up for swimming lessons, and when we got there, you saw that some of the other kids could swim better than you. That was it. You were done. If you couldn't win, you didn't want to play - ever.

Elliot: Any other FUN little childhood stories you want to share?

Lilly: That's my fear for you, that you never try anything out of your comfort zone.

Elliot: I do plenty outside my comfort zone.

Lilly: Good, but next time an opportunity comes up, throw yourself into it. See what happens, okay?

Elliot: [lying in bed with Ted] I think this may have been a poor choice on my part.

Ted Kingsley: Wow, I can't believe you just said that out loud.

Detective Shaw: What happened ? You're gonna tell me, you know what?

Elliot: Please don't make me say it. Don't say it, don't think it. If I tell you about him, you and your kids... You're all dead. I'm afraid of putting this into your head.

Detective Shaw: Tell me.

Elliot: The Bye Bye Man...

Elliot: Don't say it, don't think it. Don't say it, don't think it. Don't say it, don't think it.

Nancy: Amy's getting married in a few weeks and she thinks some maniac is following her around.

Elliot: Oh, is he a big man?

Amy: Let's just forget it.

Elliot: No Amy, is he a big man?

Amy: Yes.

Elliot: Probably sexual!

Elliot: You let this happen!

Elliot: [hearing gunshots] Are you in the least bit concerned?

Mr. Morgan: Oh yes, I am. He's got a very expensive watch on him that belongs to a guest of mine.