Elias Quotes in Clerks II (2006)

Randal Graves: What? What is the big deal? Since when did it become a crime to say porch monkey?

Becky: Oh, I don't know, since forever?

Randal Graves: Why?

Dante Hicks: Because porch monkey's a racial slur against black people!

Randal Graves: No it's not! Nigger is.

Dante Hicks: Randal!

Randal Graves: What?

Elias: [to Randal] Excuse me, but did you just call Mr. Dante a nigger?

Becky: Shut up, Elias!

Randal Graves: No I did not just call Mr. Dante a nigger, I simply said that nigger is a racial slur towards black people.

Dante Hicks: So is porch monkey!

Randal Graves: Oh, it is not! Coon, spook, spade, moolie, jigaboo, nig-nog, *those* are racial slurs towards black people! Porch Monkey is not!

Randal Graves: All right, look, there's only one "Return," okay, and it ain't "of the King," it's "of the Jedi."

Hobbit Lover: Oh, Star Wars geek.

Randal Graves: Oh, I'm the geek? Look at you two whipping out your preciouses.

Elias: You'll have to excuse him, he's not "down" with the trilogy.

Randal Graves: Oh, what the fuck happened to this world? There's only one trilogy, you fucking morons.

Hobbit Lover: You know what, maybe we should start calling your friend Padme, because he loves Manakin Skywalker so much, right?

[in robot voice]

Hobbit Lover: Danger danger, my name is Anakin. My shitty acting is ruining saga.

Elias: [chucking] Yea-Yeah, you're crazy, Jar-Jar.

Randal Graves: Oh, I'm crazy? Those fuckin' hobbit movies were boring as hell. All it was, was a bunch of people walking, three movies of people walking to a fucking volcano.

Elias: Since God created man, and man created the Transformers, the Transformers are like a gift from God, Randal!

Randal Graves: No sir. They are not a gift from God. They are an unholy curse from the beast we call the Desolate One.

Elias: I don't really want to hear this Randal.

Randal Graves: The First of the Fallen. The Spoiler of Virgins, the Master of Abortions!

Elias: You know I don't like to talk about dark forces Randal.

Randal Graves: [singing into P.A. microphone] Let me help you out of your chair, Grandma!

Jay: [climbing through the drive-thru window] Grandma what was it like? To be on that holiday site

Randal Graves: Late that night I awoke from my sleep.

Jay: Hearing! Unknown! Voices!

Randal Graves, Jay: Laughing insane!

Randal Graves: Why haven't you fucked Myra yet?

Elias: Well, we can't because of Pillow Pants.

Randal Graves: What the fuck's Pillow Pants?

Elias: Pillow Pants is a little troll who lives in her pussy.

[Randal stares]

Elias: Pillow Pants is her pussy troll?

[scoffs]

Elias: Duh. You know how every girl's parents put a pussy troll in them when the girls are young, to keep them from having premarital sex?

Randal Graves: ...Sure.

Elias: Well Myra's is named Pillow Pants. And so even though she totally wants to have sex with me, Myra says if I put my... thing in her, Pillow Pants will bite it off. So, I gotta wait until Pillow Pants gets peed out of her body on her 21st birthday before we can have sex.

Randal Graves: [floored] And Myra told you this?

Elias: Boyfriends and girlfriends talk to each other about sex stuff Randal. You'd know this if you ever had a girlfriend.

Randal Graves: Have you and Myra even kissed yet?

Elias: We would have already if it wasn't for Listerfiend.

Randal Graves: [beat] Listerfiend is her mouth troll, isn't it?

Elias: [shakes head] Women.

Randal Graves: Before he was the Mad Ducats guy, he was just Pickle Fucker. You see, freshman year, the seniors would hunt us down and put us through what they called "initiations." They'd stuff us into lockers or throw us in the girl's shower room naked, but Lance here got the worst of it. The seniors yanked down his pants and shoved a pickle up his ass and made him walk ten feet. If the pickle fell out before he hit the ten-foot mark, he had to take a bite of it, re-insert it, and walk again.

Elias: Ewwwwww...

Randal Graves: Yeah. But, don't worry. He made it. His pickle was small enough to stay wedged after only four bites.

Lance Dowds: I'll bet you're the only guy in the world who still remembers that, Graves.

Randal Graves: Oh, I bet you still remember it pretty vividly, Pickle Fucker.

Elias: Whoo! We's all gonna get drunk and get laid!

Dante Hicks: Oh my God, is Elias hammered?

Jay: Isn't it awesome? My man smoked two blunts full of skunk!

Elias: Fuck Pillowpants! Honk if you love a lot of pussy!

Jay: [looks at Silent Bob] Yo, we love pussy!

[Jay and Silent Bob blow on party favors]

Elias: That's bestiality, Randal!

Randal Graves: At its finest, I hope.

Elias: Who would want to see something like that?

Randal Graves: Me, Dante, *you*.

Elias: I don't wanna see something like that! Why would you wanna see something like that?

Randal Graves: Because it's fucked up! And, I wanna see if a chick with a mouth full of donkey spunk swallows. Alright, here we go. Kinky Kelly and the Sexy Stud. Straight from their dirty debut in Tijuana, Kelly's taking it on the road. Taking it in the ass, that is. You gotta give it up for Oscar Wilde-like wordplay that good.

Elias: Do they show pictures?

Randal Graves: Only one of Kinky Kelly sucking off Optimus Prime.

Elias: Really?

[Randal hits Elias]

Elias: Ow.

Randal Graves: Lemme borrow your cell phone.

Elias: [nervously] Oh... 'Cause I'm only supposed to use it to call my parents in case of an emergency.

Randal Graves: This is an emergency. We gotta lock up Kinky Kelly for tonight so we can give Mr. Dante a memorable send off. You love Mr. Dante, don'tcha?

Elias: In a non-gay way.

Elias: Chicks dig Lord of the Rings, Randal.

Randal Graves: Shyeah, the kind of chicks into swords and elves and shit, and I wouldn't fuck them with the Torch of Gondor.

Elias: Oh, you're so gross!

Randal Graves: I know you've given a blowjob, right?

Becky: I haven't even put my purse down, yet.

Randal Graves: That's a yes.

Randal Graves: [to Dante] And I know you've gone down on chicks.

Becky: What's your point?

Randal Graves: Well, when you're done chowing down on the no-no parts of your lover you kiss 'em, right? That's just like going ass to mouth.

Becky: Okay, I'm pretty sure you just compared a vagina to an asshole.

Randal Graves: And?

Becky: Have you restocked all the napkin holders yet?

Randal Graves: That's an Elias job!

Becky: That comparison of pink and brown eyes just made it a Randal job.

Elias: Zing!

Randal Graves: [to Elias] Shut the fuck up, GoBot!

Randal Graves: [to Becky] I could probably sue this whole corporation right now for sexual harassment. You're just making me restock the napkin holders because of my firmly held beliefs on the subject of ass to mouth.

Dante Hicks: You never go ass to mouth!

Randal Graves: Would you grow up?

Hobbit Lover: Hey man.

Elias: [Puts on Mooby's hat] Welcome to Mooby's, may I take your order?

Hobbit Lover: Yeah um, let's see... Give me one udderly delicious Moo-ilk shake, Skinny Calf and a, order of onion rings. Thanks.

Elias: [Typing into register. To himself:] "One ring to rule them all."

Hobbit Lover: [Surprised] "One ring to find them."

Randal Graves: [Eavesdropping] Oh Jesus.

Elias: "One ring to bring them all."

Hobbit Lover: "And in the darkness bind them!"

Elias: [Hi-5's the Hobbit Lover] Yes! How many times?

Hobbit Lover: Umm, three for 'Fellowship', two for 'Towers', *four* for 'Return'.

Elias: [Showing off] Five for return.

Hobbit Lover: Dude.

Randal Graves: Okay, look. There's only one 'Return', okay, and it ain't of 'The King', it's of 'The Jedi'.

Hobbit Lover: [to Elias] Oh, Star Wars geek.

Randal Graves: Oh I'm the geek? Look at you two whipping out your preciouses.

Elias: [to Hobbit Lover] You'll have to excuse him. He's not 'down' with the trilogy.

Randal Graves: Oh, what the fuck happened to this world? There's only one trilogy you fucking morons.

Hobbit Lover: You know what, maybe we should start calling your friend Padme, because he loves Mannequin Skywalker so much, right?

[Robotic genstures and monotone, imitating Anakin Skywalker]

Hobbit Lover: Danger, danger, my name is Anakin. My shitty acting is ruining saga.

Elias: [Chuckles] Yeah, you're crazy, Jar-Jar.

Randal Graves: Oh I'm crazy? Those fucking hobbit movies were boring as hell. All it was was a bunch of people walking. Three movies of people walking to a fucking volcano... Here's the first movie...

[Walks in a straight line, doped]

Randal Graves: ... And here's the second movie...

[Walks in a straight line and steps]

Randal Graves: ...

Hobbit Lover: He is way off. Loser.

Randal Graves: ...You ready for the third movie?

[Walks in a straight line again, and, at the end, pretends to take a ring off his finger and throw it away, then shrugs]

Diner #1: Fuckin' A.

Elias: [removing a smoking black basket of fries] I don't think these look right.

Randal Graves: Jesus! Step away from the fryer before you burn us all alive!

Elias: It's not my fault you abandoned your post!

Randal Graves: Was it too much to ask that you handle the fries? The machine does all the work! What's a machine gotta transform into some giant fuckin' robot before you'll take it seriously? Go home!

Elias: Say what you will about Jesus, but leave the "Rings" out of this.

Elias: [while masturbating] I'm sorry, Jesus!

Elias: [mumbling] "One Ring to rule them all."

Hobbit Lover: "One Ring to find them."

Randal Graves: Oh, Jesus.

Elias: [pulls a Ring necklace out of his shirt] "One Ring to bring them all."

Hobbit Lover: [pulls a Ring out of his pocket, in a dramatic voice] "And in the darkness, bind them!"

Elias: How many times?

Hobbit Lover: Well, um, three for "Fellowship," two for "Towers," four for "Return."

Elias: Five for "Return"!

Hobbit Lover: Dude!

Elias: As you know, my online handle is Optimus Prime.

Randal Graves: I know that, I wish I didn't.

Randal Graves: You're gonna be rolling in the pussy, man!

Elias: Don't be gross!

Randal Graves: Says the guy who was just playing tonsil hockey with his mother.

Elias: Randal...

[Holds up onion ring]

Elias: "One ring to rule them all."

Randal Graves: And you wonder why no chick'll let you stick your cock in her.

Elias: I never wondered that.

Randal Graves: Yeah, 'cause you've accepted the fact that you'll never get a chick a long time ago.

Elias: I could get a chick if I wanted.

Randal Graves: Who are you kidding? You can't get a chick ya mook, you're too weird and sad.

Elias: [Throws down onion ring and storms up to Randal] I turn down chicks left and right.

Randal Graves: Your chicks are your "left" and "right."

Elias: Yeah right, what do you know?

Randal Graves: Ahh, I know that you're a huge fucking nerd of Potsie-like proportions, and no chicks dig nerds. Especially nerds that are into Lord of the Rings.

Elias: Chicks dig Lord of the Rings, Randal.

Randal Graves: Yeah. The kind of chicks that are into swords and elves and shit, and I wouldn't fuck them with the torch of Gondor.

Elias: Oh, you're so gross!

Randal Graves: You can't get a chick, ya mook. You're too weird and sad.

Elias: [gets angry] I turn down chicks left and right.

Randal Graves: Your chicks *are* your left and right.

Elias: [to Jay] I have a huge boner right now!

[Jay smiles nervously at him]

Elias: [watching Dante propose to Becky] One ring to rule them all!

Elias: Well, I mean, as you know, my online handle is Optimus Prime.

Randal Graves: I know that. I wish I didn't.

Elias: [Elias is wasted] I hope that donkey doesn't have a heinie troll!

Elias: If he's gonna jerk off, I'm gonna jerk off, too

Randal Graves: I don't think he's gonna jerk off.

Elias: [Taking 'I Eat Cock' sign off of his employee of the month picture; to Randal] Well, at least you spelled cock right this time.

Randal Graves: And you wonder why no chick will let you stick your cock in her.

Elias: I never wondered that.

Elias: Oh, sick burn.

Randal Graves: Dude, the Transformers sucked.

Elias: Oh no they didn't, they're more than meets the eye.

Randal Graves: I thought you weren't even allowed to watch a lot of TV in your house cause you're all Christian and shit.

Elias: Well, as it turns out, cars and trucks that turn into robots aren't really that blasphemous. Because my pastor says that machines can turn into other machines and it's not a slight against God.

Randal Graves: Transformers are a TOTAL slight against God. Inasmuch as God sent his only begotten son to die on the cross to redeem mankind, and all we did to pay him back was make terrible fucking cartoons like the Transformers.

Elias: I like being with him.

Elias: He's like a brother to me.

[last lines]

Christian: Can't wait until you back at school.

Elias: Me too.

Christian: [after testing some explosives] Fuck! That was sick! Imagine if we use one of the big ones. His car will be blown to pieces.

Elias: Whose car?

Christian: That asshole, Lars.

Elias: You want to blow up his car?

Christian: Sure.

Elias: Someone will find out. A car is really expensive.

Christian: Your dad will be pleased.

Elias: I'm not so sure.

Christian: Doesn't matter. No one will find out. Are you in or out?

Elias: I'm not sure...

Christian: If you're not in, I would like my knife back right now.

Elias: I've been sleeping for days but I'm still tired.

Lukas: What am I doing?

Elias: What's Lukas doing?

Mutter: But I can't see him.

Eva: And you? What do you do for a living.

Elias: I'm an assassin.

Eva: Professional?

Elias: No, amateur.

Elias: Semi-professional, actually.