Edward Quotes in Epic Movie (2007)

White Bitch: Behold, my white castle.

[she points to a White Castle restaurant across from them]

Edward: White Castle? I feel like I've been there before.

[as the White Queen pulls up in her turbo sled]

Edward: Whoa, Stifler's mom!

Edward: A chocolate river! Mmm! Mmm! Chocolate! Hahahaha!

Willy: That's actually the sewer line.

Edward: [in his old age] Chuck Norris rules.

White Bitch: [holding crystal] Let's start things off with a bang, shall we?

Edward: But you'll kill millions.

White Bitch: Billions. Come on. Let me hear you say it.

Edward: My family will stop you!

White Bitch: WRONG!

Willy: Children, do you wanna know what makes all my candy taste so special?

Edward: Uh-huh.

Willy: It's a special secret ingredient. It's real human parts. There's gonna be a little itty bitty piece of each and every one of you inside of the yummy yum candy, literally.

Edward: You're a very very strange person, Hector. The kind of person I normally avoid like the plague. I'm glad I didn't.

Edward: I need you here to take care of your mom and Danny. Can you do that for me?

Jane: Mm-hmm.

Edward: That's my big girl.

Edward: Hey, dude, you really shouldn't drink and horse.

Clinch: Where did you learn to shoot?

Albert: Your wife.

Edward: Oh, snap!

Millie: You're okay with your girlfriend screwing, like, 15 different guys every day and getting paid to do it?

Edward: Oh, my job sucks too.

Albert: ...and all I had to do was distract you while the poison entered your bloodstream.

Edward: Albert, he's dead. He's been dead for a few minutes.

Albert: Oh. Well, did he at least hear all the smart things I said?

Albert: You know, there are a million ways to die in the west, Clinch. There's, uh, famine, disease, gunfights... And, uh, wild animals. You know, like snakes. And, you know, the funny thing is, you don't even have to get bitten. All you need is a little bit of the venom introduced into your bloodstream and you're pretty much screwed. For example, if you drain a certain amount of venom from the fangs of a diamondback rattler into a hollow-tip bullet, you really only need one shot. Now, I knew my aim wasn't good enough to hit you anywhere important. But if I caught you by surprise... Well, Anna taught me just enough to get me in the ballpark. And just a small amount of venom in an open wound is enough to kill a man if he's...

Ruth: Albert! He's dead. You did it.

Albert: Oh.

Ruth: Yeah.

Albert: Did he hear all that smart stuff I did?

Edward: Uh... No. No, I don't think so.

Albert: Oh. Well, it was still good though.

Edward: Yeah, it was great!

Ruth: I thought it was really good.

Edward: Please don't shoot us on sex night.

[from trailer]

Edward: This is my first vagina.

Ruth: You've never seen one?

Edward: No. I feel like I should have a piece of cake or something.

[pause while character lifts up skirt]

Edward: It's, uhh, it's, it's that, right?

Ruth: Oh yeah, it's this, it's like from here to here.

Edward: Oh.

Ruth: But this is just the outside, there's these folds.

Edward: Okay, I'm gonna close the bible now.

Edward: Man, I see kids everywhere with those stick hoops lately.

Albert: I know. Me too. It's got to be bad for their brains, right?

Edward: Yeah. It stunts their attention span. I read an article in the paper.

Albert: Yeah, I saw that. It's like they lose the power to innovate because they're staring at the stick hoop all day.

Edward: Yep.

Albert: You're going home every night to your girlfriend who loves you, you're having sex with her...

Edward: Uh, no. Ruth and I have... we've never done that.

Albert: What do you mean you never... you never had sex with Ruth?

Edward: Yeah, n-no. Yeah.

Albert: Wait, doesn't she have sex with like ten guys every day at the whorehouse?

Edward: On a slow day, yeah.

Albert: But you guys have never had sex?

Edward: No. No, Ruth wants to wait till we get married. You know, she's a Christian and so am I and we wanna save ourselves for our wedding night.

Albert: Edward, have you... have you ever had sex with anyone?

Edward: Well, there was some stuff with my uncle but that was, you know, it's really hard to remember all that stuff.

Edward: Well, without humor, what do we have?

Edward: Please tell Karina I found the perfect way to stop gambling: Have a son.

Edward: Fuck... fuck, fuck, fuck!

Karina: Fuck, fuckit fuck fuck!

Edward: From the moment I saw you, I knew that God doesn't hate me. He digs me.

Edward: And like an asshole, I spent the money on you. Because I thought it would make you happy. And you can't put a price on that.

Edward: I bet over, it goes under. I bet under, it goes way the fuck over...

Kim: Hold me.

Edward: I can't.

Kim: You're here... They didn't hurt you, did they?

[Edward shakes his head]

Kim: Were you scared? I tried to make Jim go back, but, you can't make Jim do anything. Thank you for not telling them that we...

Edward: You're welcome.

Kim: It must have been awful when they told you whose house it was.

Edward: I knew it was Jim's house.

Kim: You... you did?

Edward: Yes.

Kim: ...Well, then why'd you do it?

Edward: Because you asked me to.

Edward: Goodbye.

[Kim kisses Edward]

Kim: I love you.

Edward: I am not complete.

Bill: Soup's on!

Edward: I thought this was shish kabob.

Edward: I'm not finished.

Bill: So Edward, did you have a productive day?

Edward: Mrs Monroe showed me where the salon's going to be.

[turns to Peg]

Edward: You could have a cosmetics counter.

Peg Boggs: Oh, wouldn't that be great!

Bill: Great.

Edward: And then she showed me the back room where she took all of her clothes off.

[everyone stares, Kevin snickers]

Peg Boggs: Why are you hiding back there? You don't have to hide from me - I'm Peg Boggs, your local Avon representative and I'm as harmless as cherry pie...

[sees Edward come toward her]

Peg Boggs: Oh - I can see that I've disturbed you. I'll just be going now...

Edward: Don't go.

Peg Boggs: [sees his scissor hands] Oh, my. What happened to you?

Edward: I'm not finished.

Esmerelda: I can't believe you sheep have strayed so far from the path of righteousness!

Edward: [Walking towards Esmerelda] We're not sheep!

Host-TV: Quite a story, yes? Any questions for Edward? Yeah, get way over. Stand right up.

Audience Member #1: What's been the best part of your new life here in town?

Edward: The friends I made.

Host-TV: Any other questions?

Audience Member #2: Have you ever thought of having corrective surgery or prosthetics? I know a doctor that might be able to help you.

Edward: I'd like to meet him.

Host-TV: We'll give that name after the show. Thank you very much. That's very nice. Anyone else? Yes, stand right up.

Audience Member #3: But if you had regular hands you'd be like everyone else.

Edward: Yes, I know.

Host-TV: I think he'd like that.

Audience Member #4: Then no one would think you're special. You wouldn't be on TV or anything.

Peg Boggs: No matter what, Edward will always be special.

Peg Boggs: My, those are your hands? Those are your hands! What happened to you? Where are your parents? Um... Your mother? Your father?

Edward: He didn't wake up.

Peg Boggs: Are you alone? Do you live up here all by yourself? What happened to your face? No, I won't hurt you. But at the very least, let me give you a good astringent. And this will help to prevent infection. What's your name?

Edward: Edward.

Peg Boggs: Edward... I think you should just come home with me.

Edward: Kevin, you wanna play scissors, paper, stone again?

Kevin: No!

Edward: Why not?

Kevin: 'Cause it's boring. I always win!

Bill: OK, everybody. Grab your plates. Soup's on.

Edward: [with mouth full] I thought this was shish-ka-bob.

Bill: What?

Edward: [a little clearer] I thought this was shish-ka-bob.

Bill: Yeah, it is shish-ka-bob. It's a figure of speech, Ed.

Esmerelda: It's not heaven he's from! It's straight from the stinking flames of hell! The power of Satan is in him, I can feel it. Can't you? Have you poor sheep strayed so far from the path?

Edward: We're not sheep.

Esmerelda: Don't come near me!

Kim: Edward?

Edward: Are you okay?

Kim: Yes. Are you okay?

Edward: Where is everybody?

Kim: Out looking for you.

Kevin: Man, those things are cool! You know, I bet they're razor-sharp. One karate chop to a guy's neck...

Peg Boggs: Kevin...! Edward... would you like some butter for your bread? Great!

Edward: Thank you.

Kevin: Hey, can I bring him to show and tell on Monday?

Peg Boggs: Kevin, I've had enough

Edward: People aren't perfect, kiddo. They make mistakes. Sometimes it's harder to forgive yourself than to get somebody else to do it. But, people will surprise you.

Lilly: Did mom talk to you about coming back?

Edward: Yeah.

Lilly: Are you?

Edward: I don't know.

Edward: You could just die and none of this would matter.

Wallis Simpson: Are you trying to seduce me?

Edward: Is it working?

Edward: How do you find living in England Mrs Simpson?

Wallis Simpson: I'm always cold.

Edward: Maybe you need someone to keep you warm?

Wallis Simpson: Isn't that what husbands are for?

Edward: How do you feel?

Veronika: Like I could live forever.

Edward: They say what doesn't destroy you makes you stronger, but what if it leaves you so weak, it feels wrong not to be destroyed?

Edward: [whining] I used to have a room with Paddington Bear wallpaper.

Clarence: Yeah, well I used to have a beautiful wife and all my own teeth. Your life changes, master, and not always for the best. Your life accumulates regrets and they stick to you like old bruises.

Edward: [Reading a headstone] "Samuel Peet. Not Dead. Only Sleeping."

Clarence: Huh. He's gonna be pissed off when he wakes up.

Clarence: I'd like to come back as a badger.

Edward: Why?

Clarence: They're bad-tempered, but they look good - and you can make sporrans out of badgers.

Clarence: Now for those of you who have never before sat in a seance, there is absolutely nothing to be fearful of. Ghosts... are very friendly sorts. They like a nice chin wag. But they're very scared of loud noises and sudden movements. Which is the reason why they're very rarely to be sighted in discos and wrestling matches, for example.

Edward: You shouldn't joke. It'll make 'em vengeful.

Clarence: [raises hand in supplication] Spirits... please accept my mortal apology.

Edward: [about death] I'm not scared. I just want to know what happens.

Edward: Sorry for setting the fire before. Sorry I put a lot of talcum on the floor in there. Sorry for not saying when you ran me over. And that time I put dirt on your head.

Clarence: That's an awful lot of things to be sorry for at such a young age.

Edward: Sorry.

Lilian: Canada's a country, and my big God-bothering girl Mavis is coming from there to see me, today. With her husband who's got a plate in her head. Of course she's not a girl now, little man. She's 66 years old.

Edward: I'm eleven.

Lilian: Well, she's 6 times better than you, isn't she?

Edward: She's mine and you know that.

Marcus: She will never love you.

Edward: You wait until I cherish her. You will soon be forgotten.

Victor Albert: [hearing crickets] The Cricket Song.

Edward: Cricket Song. That's not bad, sir, not bad at all.

Edward: What are you doing back there?

Mae: I'm getting into my party clothes, sweetie. It's Halloween, there's party going on.

Edward: You're not going downstairs.

Mae: I most certainly am. There are people to haunt.

Arnita: They say that persons like yourselves...

Mae: What do you mean?

Arnita: ...hang around because you're unhappy - well, ghosts. Can I say "ghosts"?

Edward: Can we say "people"?