Eddie Quotes in Baby Driver (2017)
Eddie: [complaining about his mask] I said Michael Myers!
JD: This *is* Mike Myers.
Bats: It should be the "Halloween" mask.
JD: This is a Halloween mask!
Bats: No, the killer dude from "Halloween".
JD: Oh, you mean Jason.
Eddie, Bats: No!
Eddie: Hey, let's beat it, man. I don't like it up here.
Nic: What are ya, scared of heights?
Eddie: I don't know. After what happened to Johnny Gobs...
Nic: Hey, look, man. Johnny Gobs got ripped and took a walk off a roof, all right? No big loss.
Eddie: No man... that ain't what I heard at all. I heard that the Bat got him.
Nic: The Bat? Aw man, give me a break, will ya?
Eddie: Five stories straight down. There wasn't no blood in the body.
Nic: No shit. It was all over the pavement.
Robert Epps: [seeing destroyed Chicago] My god. We came here to find her in the middle of all of that?
Epps Team 'Stone': Are we really going out there Epps?
Eddie: I'm not going in there!
Robert Epps: No one's going in.
Sam Witwicky: I am. With or without you, I'll find her.
Robert Epps: You're going to get yourself killed Sam! Is that what you want? Is that what you want, you came all the way out here to get yourself killed? Listen to what I'm saying!
Sam Witwicky: She's here because of me, do you understand?
Robert Epps: Listen, if you go in this building, that's if she's still alive, there's no way you're going to be able to reach her!
Sam Witwicky: What do you suggest I do?
Robert Epps: It's over. I'm sorry, but it's over.
Robert Epps: Where are Sam and Carly?
Robert Epps: I give you one thing to do, one thing to do, and you drop the ball on that?
Eddie: I ain't signed up for all this! Got aliens blasting at me, running around, chasing me! I'm ducking through churches and buildings and all that kind of crap! This is bullshit! I ain't signed up for this, Epps. I'm trying to keep it together.
Dusty: [holding onto the drivers side window] Fashionably late again, eh Jonas? Fashionably late. Gimme kiss baby!
[kisses Eddies cheek]
Eddie: Get outta here!
Dusty: [laughing; points at Eddie as they drive by] Loser! Move on!
[Jonas is watching the doppler]
Dr. Jonas Miller: Looking good. Looking real good. Okay, about 4 miles down hang a right, deploy and we'll be done.
Eddie: Uh, Dr. Miller?
[Jonas looks up in time to see the twister change direction]
Dr. Jonas Miller: Shit... shit! It's moving away! God!
Eddie: Looks like they're going to intercept.
[Jonas spots Bill's team moving in]
Dr. Jonas Miller: [Over radio] Dammit, Tony, I thought you said this thing was gonna stay on the same heading!
Eddie: You gotta take this bitch out!
John Smith: [while taking burned pieces of papers out of a portable furnace to look for clues] Don't tell me how to handle my wife.
Eddie: [sitting in front of John in a diner] Tell me you got smart and that you killed that lying bitch.
Jane Smith: [turns around her chair at the bar] This lying bitch?
Eddie: Guess that was just wishful thinking.
Eddie: Did you get a look at him?
John Smith: Little thing. Buck ten, buck fifteen tops.
Eddie: Maybe he was Filipino!
John Smith: I'm not even sure it was a him.
Eddie: You saying you had your ass handed to you by some girl?
John Smith: I think so. A pro.
John Smith: What's new?
Eddie: Same old. People need killing.
Eddie: [awoken by a message with a job offer of $400,000] Tempting but I don't get out of bed for less than half a million dollars.
Eddie: [at the diner] Well this shouldn't be that difficult, I mean how many chicks are hitters out there? Ya know what I mean?
Breakfast Diner Waitress: You guys want any dessert?
Eddie: What do ya have honey?
Breakfast Diner Waitress: Ice cream...
Eddie: Ice cream? That sounds delicious, what flavors d'ya have?
Breakfast Diner Waitress: Chocolate and Vanilla...
Eddie: I don't like either of those, separately, but maybe mixed together, that could be... a nice lil dish, you know what I mean? And not just a little pink spoon, a like the whole sundae...
[winks to the waitress]
Breakfast Diner Waitress: Could be arranged...
Eddie: Could be arranged, d'ya hear that? Like to have her kick my ass... d'ya know what I mean?
John Smith: You live with your mother.
Eddie: [offended] Why would you bring her into this, she happens to be a first class lady!
[on living with his mother]
Eddie: She cooks and cleans. And *I'm* the dummy?
Mom #1: [responds from upstairs bedroom] Eddie?
Eddie: [shouts, cocks his shotgun] Mom! We are on high alert here. I almost killed you right then! You do not even realize!
Mom #1: [responds from upstairs bedroom] Never mind.
Eddie: [in a diner] Did you get any other details on her besides her weight class?
John Smith: [mumbles while chewing food] Laptop
Eddie: I'm sorry? You're in the whole zone right now- I'm having a hard time talkin' to ya.
John Smith: [swallows and says louder] Laptop!
Eddie: OK. Laptop.
Eddie: [in Eddie's kitchen] This broad is not your wife, she's the enemy.
John Smith: She tried to kill me.
Eddie: They all try to kill you. Slowly, painfully, cripplingly, and then wham. They hurt you. How you going to handle it?
John Smith: [holding an assault rifle, walking past the door] I'm going to borrow this.
Eddie: I like where your head's at, man.
Eddie: I live with my mom because I choose to. She's the only woman I've ever trusted.
Eddie: Are you saying you had your ass handed to you by some girl?
John Smith: I think so.
Jack Burton: Mutual Fidelity Insureres of Sacramento... well there's gotta be a listing honey, cause I pay 'um 6 g's a year in premiums.
Uncle Chu: China is here Mr. Burton. The Chang Sing, The Wing Kong, they've been fighting for centuries.
Jack Burton: What the hell does that mean? huh? China is here, I don't even know what the hell that means, all I know is this "Lo Pan" character comes out of thin air in the middle of a goddamn alley while his buddies are flying around on wires cutting everybody to shreds, and he just stands there waiting for me to drive my truck straight through him, with light coming out of his mouth!
Wang Chi: Jack please...
[lightning strikes and Wang becomes silent]
Uncle Chu: WHAT HAPPENED!
Wang Chi: He didnt uncle Chu, not like he says.
Jack Burton: [diverting from his phone call] Sure did uncle Chu, 2 hours ago, Tall guy Weird clothes, first you see him then you don't.
[back to his call]
Jack Burton: yeah, is this just a switch board or something...
Uncle Chu: Lo Pan appeared on the street? Wang Chi why didn't you tell me?
Wang Chi: We didn't want to alarm you uncle.
Jack Burton: [on his phone call] I'm gonna tell you about an accident and I dont want to hear an act of god alright.
Eddie: Good Afternoon Mr. Wong
Wang Chi: Eddie, meet my dear friend Jack Burton. Jack, Eddie is the new maitre'd here at the Black Pool.
Uncle Chu: And a whole lot more.
Jack Burton: [on his phone call] I don't know my policy number, it's in the glove compartment, just look under B.U.R.T.O.N. alright.
Uncle Chu: Jack Burton?
[Jack turns to his name being called]
Uncle Chu: Wow, the guy you always told me about huh? So that was your abandon truck.
Jack Burton: Yeah, abandon like hell.
[to the phone]
Jack Burton: Hey! Hello! Hello! AAHHH Christ.
Eddie: Bad news. The Lords of Death stole it after you ran away.
Jack Burton: They stole my truck?
Wang Chi: It's ok Jack, you're with friend, we'll find it for you.
Jack Burton: You're Goddamn right your gonna help me find it, and my money, and time is money to a guy lik me...
[points to uncle Chu]
Jack Burton: ... and your phone is dead by the way.
Margo: This is just so shocking. I mean I must just be so monumentally naive.
Eddie: You are.
Eddie: Well sure it was a war. And anybody that showed up was gonna join Lem Lee in the Hell of Being Cut to Pieces.
Jack Burton: Hell of being what?
Eddie: Chinese have a lot of Hells.
Wang Chi: Jack, listen, I need more of your help. I can't pay you today, okay?
Jack Burton: Oh, shit.
Wang Chi: How can I? I need all my cash for Miao Yin.
Eddie: And it's gonna cost. She's got green eyes.
Gracie: Oh no, seriously? Oh, that's an extra to these people. It's like leather bucket seats, it's double the price.
State Trooper: That look like a boat stuck in the Sheriff's car there, Eddie?
Eddie: Boy, where you been all your life? That there's one of them new car-boats.
Sheriff J.W. Pepper: By the powers INvested IN ME by *this parish*, I hereby do commandeer this vehicle and all those persons within!
[spits and looks at Eddie]
Sheriff J.W. Pepper: And that means YOU, smartass!
Gary: [about Finn] I still can't get over the way he just came up out of the water like that.
Eddie: I know. And holding the sword!
Gary: And he just makes this totally perfect toss and the sword lands straight up in the deck.
Gary: But it's more than just the sheer power of his raw sexuality. It's the totality of his emotional commitment to the task at hand.
Eddie: Yeah, it's the focus. It's the focus.
Gary: He sees it; he wants it; he goes after it; he gets it.
Eddie: He sure got me.
Tess Finnegan: Do you mind?
Monroe: They just blew up the president's car.
Eddie: That was the president's car? Did they get him?
Monroe: That's the bad news: no, they didn't.
Eddie: [to Karen Ross] Mr. Travis asked me to meet you at the airport, set up your expedition.
Dr. Peter Elliot: HER expedition? She's just along for the ride!
Eddie: Whatever, be an asshole.
Dr. Peter Elliot: Who is this guy?
Eddie: Eddie Ventro, transportation and equipment. But I don't supply assholes with new personalities.
Monroe: Eddie! What happened to your head?
Eddie: Customs guy, whacked me in the head with a can of peanut oil for stamping visas. I'm never goin back to that country, man. Those people have permanently wigged out!
Eddie: It's the first time you ever seen a black man ain't it... get used to it.
Lieutenant Andrew Tyler: [whispering] Tank, you alive back there?
Seaman Charles 'Tank' Clemens: Yes, sir.
Lieutenant Andrew Tyler: Good. Port ahead two-thirds.
Seaman Charles 'Tank' Clemens: Port ahead two-thirds. Aye, sir.
Lieutenant Andrew Tyler: [pulls out paper] Tank... can you fix the stern tube?
Seaman Charles 'Tank' Clemens: I don't know, Mr. Tyler.
Lieutenant Andrew Tyler: I don't want an "I don't know." Can you fix the torpedo tube? Yes... or no?
Seaman Charles 'Tank' Clemens: Yes, sir. I think I can.
Lieutenant Andrew Tyler: Thank you, Tank. Chief, make depth 1-6-0 meters.
Chief Klough: That's more than five hundred feet.
Lieutenant Andrew Tyler: Take us down, Chief.
Chief Klough: Aye, sir. One-six-zero meters. Twenty degrees dive both planes.
Eddie, Seaman Ronald 'Rabbit' Parker, Torpedoman: Twenty degrees dive, aye, sir.
Eddie: Mr. Tyler, sir, uh, do you plan on going up against a destroyer with only one fish in the tube and busted motor?
Lieutenant Andrew Tyler: Yes, I am, Eddie.
Lt. Hirsch: How wise is that, Lieutenant?
Lieutenant Andrew Tyler: Not very. But have a look. Chief.
[while speaking, drawing and showing Chief and Hirsch plan on paper]
Lieutenant Andrew Tyler: There is no way a two-knot submarine can get in firing position against a thirty-knot destroyer unless we go deep. At one hundred sixty meters, we can shoot out a bunch of junk from the forward tubes. It will resurface and create a debris field. Now the destroyer's going to go to the center of that debris field, shut off its engines to make it real nice and quiet and do an acoustic search to make sure we're dead. But we're not. See, we're here, on our way up to periscope depth. All right, principle of ascent velocity. We let our positive buoyancy pull us up and away from the destroyer. And when we surface we'll be showing it our ass at seven hundred yards. That is a pefect setup for a stern shot on a stationary target. Boom. It don't get much prettier than that.
Chief Klough: All right, Mr. Tyler. Passing 1-3-0 meters.
Lieutenant Andrew Tyler: Very well. Rabbit, I need you to load Mazzola's body into tube three and put an escape jacket on him to make sure he floats.
Seaman Ronald 'Rabbit' Parker, Torpedoman: Wanna shoot him out like garbage?
Lieutenant Andrew Tyler: [pause; slowly turns around] His body is gonna save our lives.
Seaman Ronald 'Rabbit' Parker, Torpedoman: I'll say a few words for him.
Seaman Anthony Mazzola: [reminiscing about a date] Anyway, I can see I'm not gettin' anywhere with her. So what I do is, I use my secret weapon. I tell her about the S-26. Does the trick right away.
Eddie: Now, you don't wanna be talkin' about that while we're underway!
Seaman Ted 'Trigger' Fitzgerald: Why, what happened to the S-26?
Seaman Charles 'Tank' Clemens: Yeah, what happened?
Seaman Anthony Mazzola: You guys don't know?
Seaman Ted 'Trigger' Fitzgerald, Seaman Charles 'Tank' Clemens: No.
Seaman Anthony Mazzola: [taking an egg from Eddie's tray] She was runnin' a test dive down off Norfolk. Shaft seal failed, and she sunk to 400 feet. Know how much water pressure there is that deep?
[Crushes the egg with one hand; Rabbit flinches]
Eddie: Mazzola, you wanna be the first one to eat powdered eggs on this cruise? Keep it up, man.
Eddie: So, why did they come up with the "Chasm of Death"?
Buck: We tried "The Big Smelly Crack" but people kept giggling.
Crash: What's that sound?
Buck: It's the wind. It's speaking to us.
Eddie: What's it saying?
Buck: I don't know. I don't speak wind.
Manny: [looking at Eddie & Crash singing] Are you crazy?
Diego: [lets go of his breath, in a squeaky voice] Its not poison!
[surprised by his voice, he laughs hysterically with Eddie & Crash]
Crash: [in a squeaky voice] That is Sooo Disturbing!
Buck: [from the other side] Stop laughing! All of you!
Crash: [in a squeaky voice, mimicking Bucks accent] Stop Laughing all of you!
[All laugh hysterically]
Manny: [in a squeaky voice, mimicking Bucks accent] Whats rule number 1?
[All laugh hysterically]
Ellie: They are just laughing, what's so bad about that?
Buck: They died laughing!
[points down the chasm at laughing skeletons of dinosaurs]
Ellie: [gasps] Stop laughing!
Manny: [in a squeaky voice] You know whats funny though? We are trying to save Sid, and now we are all gonna die!
[all laugh hysterically]
Eddie: [in a squeaky voice] And i don't even like Sid!
Crash: [in a squeaky voice] Who does? He's an idiot!
[All laugh hysterically]
Diego: [in a squeaky voice] Thats for getting me into this mess! Its the most fun i've had in years!
Manny: [in a squeaky voice] Thank YOU, for deserting the herd, that was totally SUPER!
[moment of silence and then they all laugh hysterically]
Manny: [All notice Buck above the cage trying to release it free and holding his breath, Manny begins to tickle him with his trunk] Coo chee Coo chee Coo!
Buck: [In a normal voice] Stop That!
Buck: Don't you see?
[in a squeaky voice]
Buck: We are all gonna die!
[All look at him and begin laughing hysterically including Buck]
Ellie: [on the other side] I gotta do everything huh?
[Ellie releases the rope and sets the cage loose]
Eddie: [in a squeaky voice] Sometimes, i wet my bed!
Crash: [in a squeaky voice] Thats alright, sometimes I wet your bed!
[All Laugh hysterically]
Manny: [the cage reaches the other side and everyone apart from Buck tumbles out breathing for air while laughing. In a normal voice] Uhhh, I'm not sure how much of that you could hear...?
Manny: Oh i heard all of it
Eddie: [to crash] You wet my bed?
Crash: That was just gas talk dude.
Eddie: So, Why do they call it the Chasm of Death?
Buck: Well, We tried big smelly crack but uh, that just made everybody giggle!
Manny: Well now what?
Buck: [Buck pulls on a cord and a large ribcage on a vine appears] Madam...?
[gestures for Ellie to get on]
Manny: Whoa! She is not doing that!
Buck: Bup bup bup bup! Rule number 1...?
Eddie: Ooh ooh ooh!
[raises his hand in the air]
Buck: Ah! Come on mammoth! You're supposed to have a good memory!
Ellie: Always listen to Buck!
[walks onto the rib cage]
Buck: Now eyes forward, Back straight and
Buck: breath in the toxic fumes and you'll probably die.
Ellie: TOXIC FUMES?
Buck: Just another day in paradise!
[cuts the vine to release the rib cage]
Manny: [moment of silence and then sees the empty ribcage move towards them] Ellie? You okay?
Ellie: [calling from the other side] You have to try this!
Buck: Alright! Now Pile on everyone! Couldn't be easier!
Buck: [the cage is stranded in the middle of the fumes] Don't panic! Just some uh technical Difficulties! Keep holding it in boys!
Eddie: [Stops holding his breath] I cant take it anymore!
Crash: He breathed it!
Crash: now I'm breathing it!
[crash & eddie make choking noises]
Eddie: [in a squeaky voice] Hey! We're not dead!
Crash: [in a squeaky voice] You sound ridiculous!
Eddie: [in a squeaky voice] Me? You should hear you!
[Both laugh hard]
Eddie: [in a squeaky voice] Alright Alright. and a one, and a two...
Crash, Eddie: [in a squeaky voice, singing] Christmas, Christmas time is near...
Buck: [stopping Manny and the herd from moving on] Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa! Whoa! What, you-you think this is some sort of tropical getaway? You can't protect your mate, mate. What are you gonna do with those-those flimsy tusks when you run into the Beast?
Crash: Wait. You mean there's something *bigger* than Mommy Dinosaur?
Buck: Aye aye. He's the one that gave me *this*
[pointing to his missing eye, which is covered in a patch]
Eddie: Whoa. He gave you that patch?
Crash: For free? That's so cool.
Eddie: Yeah, maybe he'll give *us* one, too!
Buck: [from trailer] Are you ready for adventure?
Crash, Eddie: Yes, sir!
Buck: For danger?
Crash, Eddie: Yes, sir!
Buck: For death?
Eddie: Uhh, can you repeat the question?
Crash: You are super weasel!
Eddie: Ultra weasel!
Diego: Diesel weasel!
Ellie: Manny! Pineapples!
Manny: She gets cravings.
Ellie: Pomegrantes? Grapefruits! Nectarines?
Diego: She's ordering a fruit cocktail.
Ellie: Come on, think! Peaches!
Manny: Peaches? Peaches! The baby! What, what now?
Diego: This? Not good.
Manny: [Freaking out] The baby's coming!
[to Crash and Eddie]
Manny: Did you guys hear that? Cause sometimes I imagine it in my head, but...
Crash: Can you try to hold it in?
Ellie: Can somebody slap him for me?
Eddie: [Slaps Crash] Done and done.
Manny: Just sit tight. We're coming!
Buck: We're hit! We're hit! Mayday! Mayday! We're losing altitude!
[Taps flying dinosaurs eyeball]
Buck: Hold these!
[Hands reins over to Crash & Eddie, and begins mouth to mouth on dinosaur]
Buck: Oh, tastes like fish.
Eddie: Okay. That's just weird. I love you, bro!
Crash: I know!
Buck: Snap out of it! Come on!
[Punches dinosaurs nostril; dinosaur wakes up]
Sid: [after being rescued by flying dinosaur] Help!
Eddie: [Looks over side of dinosaur] No, Sid, it's me!
Crash: [Looks over also] And me!
Buck: [Joins Crash & Eddie] And me!
Sid: Uh, I don't wanna panic anyone, but who's flying this thing?
[Crashes into ice ceiling]
Buck: Grab that ammo!
Crash: [Using Eddie's tail as sling-shot] Bogey, three o'clock! Fire!
Eddie: This is awesome!
Crash: Light it up! Yeah!
Eddie: Hasta la vista, birdy!
Crash: This place is totaled.
Eddie: And we didn't wreck it.
Crash: We're losing our touch, bro.
Crash: Dude, You're awesome! You're like the brother I never had!
Eddie: Me too!
Eddie, Crash: [after inhaling the poison gas] Let's do it!
Eddie, Crash: Christmas, Christmas, time is here!
Crash: Dude, you're awesome! You're like the brother I never had!
Eddie: Me too!
Eddie: What if we're the last creatures left alive? We'll have to repopulate the earth.
Crash: How? Everyone is either a dude or our sister.
Eddie: Who's gonna roll in that dung patch with me?
Crash: [waking up] Dung patch?
Diego: Big mistake, you miscreants!
[starts laughing along with Crash]
Sid: Uh, Diego, they are possums.
Eddie: [Sid has said something that Eddie didn't like] I'd rather be roadkill!
Diego: "That" can be arranged.
Eddie: [while looking down and around him] Crash, I told you not to drink before bed.
Crash: [while looking down and around him] I didn't do "this"!
[looks behind him]
Crash: At least not "all" of it.
Ellie: [annoyed with Manny suggesting they save their species] OK. We followed you during the day, now you're coming with us at night.
Manfred: But we can't see at night.
Ellie: Then enjoy the flood.
Eddie: I can't even look at him!
Crash: [turns and looks at Manny] Pervert!
Eddie: Hey, can't you see our sister's in mourning? Why don't you get the hell out of here?
Harry Callahan: [to Eddie and Carl] Why don't you boys suck some fish heads, huh?
[punches Carl and is about to punch Eddie]
Mrs. Kruger: [with a gun] Don't even think about it!
Harry Callahan: I'll come back, when you're less bereaved.
Eddie: [Harry Callahan appears with a gun] Holy shit!
Jimmy Monroe: What do you do?
Hourly Housekeeper: Housekeeping.
Eddie: She's an hourly housekeeper. Hou... Hourly rate. Housekeeper.
Eddie: Jack, don't kill me, man.
Jack Carter: You killed yourself.
[Jack Carter drops him off the balcony]
Jack Carter: How you doing? I'm Jack. Richie's brother.
Eddie: Oh, shit, man. Hi. I'm Eddie. I worked with him over at the George.
Jack Carter: Eddie, let me ask you a question. Was my brother into something?
Eddie: Richie? No, man. He wasn't that type of guy.
Miles Logan: All right check this out: This is a Brigga 3300, toughest safe in the world. What's the first thing you do?
Eddie: Drill the lock.
Miles Logan: No! You got to check to see if it's open.
Miles Logan: [excited] It's open!
Eddie: [surprised] Really?
Miles Logan: Nah I'm messin' wit- I'm messing with you! They would never do that! Now Eddie, you know they would never do that!
Eddie: What the hell are you doing?
Deacon: 17 million 4 ways I'm to greedy for that, Eddie
Mickey: How much longer are we gonna be doing this, man? I'm about to pee in my pants.
Eddie: So shoot it out the window, man. Christ, just use your head.
Mickey: Not a bad idea. Good news, America. Coming through. Hey, it's chilly out here.
Eddie: Fuck you faggot, ain't had pussy since pussy had you.
Eddie: [after setting up John Hull in a police sting] Looks like the money! The mon-ey! Oh, shit! The police! Oh shit, the police!
Eddie: Bitch, you fuckin' up! Send yo' ass back to Reseda.
Youngblood Priest: I'm gettin' out, Eddie.
Eddie: Gettin' outta what?
Youngblood Priest: The cocaine business.
Eddie: Oh, sweet. Sh*t. Say, those junkies must have knocked a hole in your head. You're gonna give all this up? 8-Track Stereo, color T.V. in every room, and can snort a half a piece of dope everyday? That's the American Dream, nigga! Well, ain't it? Ain't it?
Eddie: I went along with that thing of yours about getting out cause I had nothing else. When I get out what am I gunna do? I don't know nothing else but dope, baby. Takin' it, sellin' it, bankrollin' so other small time pusher. Ya know, you've got this fantasy in your head about gettin outta the life and setting that other world on its ear. What the F*CK are you gunna do except hustle? Besides pimpin'? And you really ain't got the stomach for that. Now man I ain't puttin you down. If it wasn't for you I probably wouldn't be here, I'd be O.D'ed some place. I'm just trying to make it real, baby like it is. I mean, maybe this is what you're supposed to do, maybe this is what you're growing to. Just think about it, don't throw it out, just, just think about it.
Eddie: I know it's a rotten game, but it's the only one The Man left us to play. That's the stone, cold truth.
Youngblood Priest: How long you gonna be?
Eddie: [Playing craps] Don't pull me out now. This niggas got a fist full of money and he's lettin' me double-up when I want. That's what I come down here for.
Eddie: You gonna give that hard luck nigga a heart attack.
Eddie: What's wrong with you, nigga?
Eddie: We in! We got the main line! And that honky sounded like he can even keep the cops off our back! And we got cats out there like that, baby, we gonna be bigger than Scatter ever dreamed of bein'.
Eddie: Are you crazy? You know damn well who killed Scatter. And if we f*ck up, he'll kill us too. Besides, we got it beat. We'll make a fortune. Just don't rock the boat, man.
Youngblood Priest: Its worst now than it was before. Look, that Man owns us. You understand that, Eddie? To him we're not real. He'll just use us and then kill us.
Eddie: You have people been usin' me all my whole life. Yeah, that that honky's usin' me, so what? You know, I'm glad he's usin' me. Because I'm gonna make a piss pot full of money and I'm gonna live like a Prince - a f*ckin' Black Prince! Yeah, this is the life! I could be nothin' nowhere else. And about his killin' me? Sh*t, I don't care. As long as he gets me to live to be an old motherf*cker! And I ain't gonna do nothin' to him to kill me now!
Eddie: [to Jimmy, stalking him across the desert] Why are you doing this?
Eddie: [seeing Jimmy driving around in the distance] Yeah, I know your watching me.
Eddie: [at night, looking in all directions, to Jimmy over the radio] You got night vision, Jimmy?
Jimmy: [over the radio] Technology can be your friend or your enemy, just like the desert.
Jimmy: [over the radio, near sunset] You need anything?
Eddie: [breathless] My car keys would be nice.
Jimmy: [during a minor sandstorm] It's time we had a face to face.
Eddie: That's a good idea, Jimmy!
Jimmy: You look like road kill.
Jimmy: [over the radio] Eddie?
Eddie: [annoyed] What do you want?
Eddie: [looking around] You tell me, man.
Eddie: [pointing the rings hanging from the mirror] Is that my work?
Jimmy: [very angry] Why don't you tell me?
Eddie: [regarding Jimmy's family] It's too many, Jimmy. I don't remember.
Eddie: [about his line of work] It wasn't personal, Jimmy. 'Should never be personal.
Eddie: [over the radio to Jimmy] Well you know... I'm not really in the mood for playing games right now.
Eddie: [preparing to execute the family] Jimmy... I was told you saw something you shouldn't have... you like the desert?
Manny: [Crash and Eddie keep drumming all the time] Do you mind?
Crash: He sucks the fun out of everything.
Eddie: We have superpowers!
Granny: I hate llamas. They spit and smell bad.
Diego: So do you.
Crash, Eddie: So do we!
[They high five]
Panicked Start: Meteor shower!
Buck: The mother of all asteroids, screaming towards us. But I got a plan! Who's with me?
Crash, Eddie: Crash and Eddie reporting for duty!
Eddie: Haha! "Doody".
[He and Crash laugh]
Buck: Try not to make any friction.
Eddie: No friction. Got it.
[Pull back to show Crash and Eddie rubbing their feet on Manny's fur]
Crash: Cool beans. What exactly is friction?
Crash: Baby made a poopie.
Eddie: I'm a method actor, so I will need to be changed.
Eddie: I got laid off when they closed that asbestos factory, and wouldn't you know it, the army cuts my disability pension because they said that the plate in my head wasn't big enough.
Glyptodont: So, where's Eddie?
Glyptodont: Oh, he said something about being on the verge of an evolutionary breakthrough.
[Eddie is seen running off a cliff in the background]
Eddie: Look, I'm flying!
Glyptodont: Some breakthrough.
[Eddie's pants were on fire, and Veeko stomped on the fire to put it out]
Veeko: That's how you put out campfires.
Eddie: Is that... a fact?
Veeko: Used to do it in boy scouts.
Eddie: You toasted your marshmallows... over a pile of flaming GONADS?
Veeko: We usually used logs.
Norby: Eddie, what else did Mary's little lamb do?
Eddie: Didn't he put, uh, Humpty Dumpty back together again?
Veeko: That was Nat King Cole.N
Eddie: Nat King Cole stuck his finger in the pie and yanked out the bird.
Eddie: If you want to be a shoplifter, go to J.C. Penney.
[the villains have returned to their apartment after chasing Baby Bink all day long]
Norby: Hey, Eddie, you sure you don't want to go check if they have left the money?
Eddie: Oh, that's a good idea. We get the living hell torn out of us by a baby! Three fully-grown men versus 15 pounds of pink flesh with a mouth! Now, what chance do you think we have than strolling into that alley and coming out with anything less than 140 years in prison? No, thank you! This is a hexed situation, we walk away while we're still ahead.
Veeko: We took a licking and kept on ticking.
Eddie: We go back to banks. Dealing with grown-ups, and I want no kiddie stuff.
Norby: We did all right with banks.
Veeko: Or a convenience store once in a while, keeps things interesting.
Eddie: Well, you know one thing I learned from this: I ain't never gonna have any kids of my own.
Norby: Ha, yeah! Seeing as you burnt down the only tree in your forest, I ain't worrying about that.
[Norby and Veeko laugh, and give each other high-fives]
Eddie: Why don't you shut up? I don't ever wanna hear another word about that rotten, snake-bit Baby!
[Baby Bink's giggle is heard from the microphone outside]
Eddie: [Baby Bink just got away from the villains again after many times, but this time by crawling into a small sewer tunnel] No problem, fellas. It ain't a hole. It's a tunnel. And what's every tunnel got?
Norby: Ooh! Don't tell me! I know, I know, I know. It's uh, uh, uh-...
Veeko: Tollbooth at the end.
Eddie: Are you always this stupid, or do you do this just to annoy me?
[while trying to feed Bink]
Veeko: How do I know this milk won't burn the kid's throat? If that matters.
Eddie: Try it on some skin first.
[Veeko almost drops some milk on his arm, but removes Norby's hat and squirts some over his bald head. Norby screams in pain as Bink laughs]
Norby: What's the matter with you?
Veeko: I'd better let it cool down.
[Norby smacks Veeko across the head. Bink laughs]
Norby: You like that? Hey, Eddie!
Norby: Watch the baby.
[Norby smacks Veeko again. Bink laughs. Norby laughs as well. Veeko laughs mockingly]
Eddie: Very good. Now see if it works the other way.
[Veeko smacks Norby across the head so hard he falls over. Bink laughs. Veeko smiles at him]
Veeko: It works.
Eddie: [after accidently letting some mixture be poured on him] THAT'S IT! NO MERCY!
[tries to walk through the slippery puddle of mixture]
Eddie: This ain't no nursury school battle of wits anymore. This is my '5'"10" of guile, gut, and gristle, versus you 2 1/2 feet of goo-goos,gaa-gaas, and giggles.
[slips on the floor, but climbs up again]
Eddie: If the Milwaukee Mob couldn't kill me, no milk-puking little thumb-sucker's got a candle's chance on a cyclone of getting the better of me!
Norby: You're a smart guy. How do you tell the front from the back on these diapers?
Eddie: Aren't there pockets in the front?
Norby: [looks it over] That's very funny. The front and the back are the same!
Eddie: Then it probably don't make no difference. Put him in them regular baby clothes. That fruit suit's a dead give away that he's a rich kid.
Manny: You two were supposed to be responsible uncles!
Crash: What? I didn't see Peaches sneak off maybe 15 or 20 minutes ago.
Eddie: Or that she went with Louis to the falls.
Manny: The falls? Where the delinquents go?
Ellie: Relax, it's just where the kids hang out.
Manny: No, no, it's a gateway hangout. First it's the falls, then she's piercing her trunk, and the next thing you know, she's addicted to berries.
Ellie: [Chuckling] Manny! You are overreacting. She's not gonna be your little girl forever.
Manny: I know. That's what worries me.
Eddie: [Oft repeated line] Was you ever bit by a dead bee?
Eddie: Drinking don't bother my memory. If it did I wouldn't drink. I couldn't. You see, I'd forget how good it was, then where'd I be? Start drinkin' water, again.
Eddie: I've been figuring, them guys don't think that I'm wise, but they was trying to get me drunk.
Eddie: They don't know me, do they, Harry?
Eddie: [Steering the boat] What's the matter? Why are you lookin' at me like that fer? What are you laughin' at?
Steve: Just a joke that neither one of us knows the answer to.
Eddie: What joke?
Steve: Whether you're gonna hold together or not.
Eddie: [His feelings hurt] Don't say that, Harry! I'm a good man! You know I am!
Steve: Yeah, I know you are, but you're goin' all over the ocean. Stay on your course.
Eddie: Why do you always... Hey, could I have just one? I don't want to get the shakes.
Steve: Make it short! I want you rum brave, not useless.
Eddie: [Anxious to get below decks to have his drink] Thanks, Harry!
Eddie: You wash, I'll dry.
Eddie: Boy, that Count's really got class.
Rover Dangerfield: I guess that's my trouble, no class. I looked up my family tree, two dogs were using it!
Danny Maccabee: I need you to swim to Uncle Eddie. If you get to him without touching the bottom, we'll give you a dolphin cookie.
Maggie: Is that what your grandpa gave you?
Danny Maccabee: No, grandpa gave us something he'd call a Heineken.
Michael: I want one of those.
Danny Maccabee: No. Stick with the dolphin cookie.
Eddie: Yeah, they hurt less when they get thrown at your head. God, he was a sick man.
Katherine: [as they watch bikini-clad Palmer dive into the water] She really wears that bikini well.
Eddie: Yeah... you know what she'd wear well? A dental floss and a pirate hat.
Eddie: What are you doing later?
Kirsten Brant: Oh, ah, I'm actually dating anybody else right now.
Eddie: Katherine, I can't go. Okay?
Eddie: Because I texted a picture of my new equipment to my ex-girlfriend.
Katherine: Oh, you're disgusting.
Eddie: And I forgot she's engaged to a UFC fighter. He wants to punch me in the face.
Katherine: I wanna punch you in the face.
Eddie: I would create a fake family for that.
Eddie: [singing] Hot patootie, bless my soul! I really love that rock n' roll!
Eddie: [singing] Whatever happened to Saturday night?
Bacon: Right. Let's sort the buyers from the spyers, the needy from the greedy, and those who trust me from the ones who don't, because if you can't see value here today, you're not up here shopping. You're up here shoplifting. You see these goods? Never seen daylight, moonlight, Israelite. Fanny by the gaslight. Take a bag, c'mon take a bag. I took a bag home last night. Cost me a lot more than ten pound, I can tell you. Anyone like jewelry? Look at that one there. Handmade in Italy, hand-stolen in Stepney. It's as long as my arm. I wish it was as long as something else. Don't think because these boxes are sealed up, they're empty. The only man who sells empty boxes is the undertaker, and by the look of some of you lot today, I'd make more money with me measuring tape. Here, one price. Ten pound.
Eddie: Did you say ten pound?
Bacon: Are you deaf?
Eddie: That's a bargain. I'll take one.
Bacon: Squeeze in if you can. Left leg, right leg, your body will follow. They call it walking. You want one as well, darling? You do? That's it. They're waking up. Treat the wife. Treat somebody else's wife. It's a lot more fun if you don't get caught. Hold on. You want one as well? Okay, darling, show me a bit of life then. It's no good standing out there like one o'clock half-struck. Buy them, you better buy them. These are not stolen, they just haven't been paid for, and we can't get them again. They've changed the bloody locks. Here. One for you. It's no good coming back later when I've sold out. "Too late, too late" will be the cry when the man with the bargains has passed you by. If you got no money on you now, you'll be crying tears as big as October cabbages.
Eddie: Bacon, cozzers!
Eddie: They're armed.
Soap: What was that? Armed? What do you mean armed? Armed with what?
Eddie: Err, bad breath, colorful language, feather duster... what do you think they're gonna be armed with? Guns, you tit!
"Hatchet" Harry: You must be Eddie, J.D.'s son.
Eddie: Yeah. You must be Harry. Sorry, didn't know your father.
"Hatchet" Harry: Never mind son, you just might meet him if you carry on like that.
Nick the Greek: Dunno Tom. Seems expensive.
Tom: Seems? Well, this seems to be a waste of my time. That is 900 nicker in any shop you're lucky enough to find one in. And you're complaining about 200? What school of finance did you study? "It's a deal, it's a steal, it's the sale of the fucking century!" In fact, fuck it Nick, I think I'll keep it!
Nick the Greek: All right all right, keep your Alans on!
[Peels off notes from his wad]
Nick the Greek: Here's a ton.
Tom, Eddie: Jesus Christ!
Eddie: You could choke a dozen donkeys on that! And you're haggling over one hundred pound? What d'you do when you're not buying stereos Nick? Finance revolutions?
Nick the Greek: 100 pounds is still 100 pounds.
Tom: Not when the price is 200 pounds it's not! And certainly not when you've got Liberia's deficit in your skyrocket. Tighter than a duck's butt you are. Now, c'mon. Lemme feel the fibre of your fabric.
Eddie: Oh, and if Tom or anyone else for that matter feels like givin' them a bit of a kickin', I'm sure it won't do any harm.
Soap: Yeah, little bit of pain never hurt anybody. If you know what I mean. Also, I think knives are a good idea. Big, fuck-off shiny ones. Ones that look like they could skin a crocodile. Knives are good, because they don't make any noise, and the less noise they make, the more likely we are to use them. Shit 'em right up. Makes it look like we're serious. Guns for show, knives for a pro.
Tom: Soap, is there something we should know about you?
Bacon: I'm not sure what's more worrying. The job or your past.
Eddie: The entire British empire was built on cups of tea...
Bacon: Yeah, and look what happened to that.
Eddie: ...And if you think I'm going to war without one, mate, you're mistaken.
Tom: Well, he can afford to do the deal at the price we're selling. It's not worth him giving us any trouble cause he knows we'll be a pain in the arse.
Soap: I'd take a pain in the arse for half a million quid.
Tom: You'd take a pain in the arse for air miles.
Soap: Tom, the fatter you get, the sadder you get.
Eddie: Will you two stop flirting for a minute?
Eddie: Twenty grand, open.
"Hatchet" Harry: Thirty thousand. Back to you, already-Eddie.
Eddie: Fifty grand.
"Hatchet" Harry: Eighty grand.
Eddie: One hundred grand.
Player: Whoa, whoa, whoa, look fellas, I know...
"Hatchet" Harry: I know you're not in. Which means, no-one cares what you know.
Eddie: As you know this puts us in an awkward position... I don't have enough to continue.
Eddie: I don't know. What I do know is there's no more Harry. Which means there's no more debt. And if there's no more debt, there's no more problem. And there's no problem with the neighbors... because they're all dead. And I think, if I get this right, we haven't done anything wrong... we're in the clear.
JD: So, you in the clear? More importantly, am I?
Eddie: It appears so.
JD: Appears? You'd have to do better than fucking appears, my friend.
Eddie: Well everybody's dead, Dad. I think that's about as clear as it can get.
Soap: Where the fuck are they going?... Shift a piano? I thought this was meant to be a robbery.
Eddie: Where did they get those outfits?
Tom, Bacon: Not a bad idea, that.
Eddie: Soap, don't be such a mincer.
Eddie: Can we lock up and get drunk now?
Eddie: Tom, you take those guns and you throw them off a bridge.
Bacon: And throw yourself off while you're at it.
Tom: [after having just robbed Dog and his crew] Jesus, that wasn't too bad, was it?
Soap: When the bottle in my arse has contracted, I'll let you know.
Eddie: Bacon, see what we've got.
Bacon: Let's have a butcher's, eh?
[as he inspects their loot]
Bacon: We've hit the jackpot, lads! We've got God-knows-how-much of this stinking weed, a shitload of cash... and a traffic warden.
[Bacon holds up an unconscious man]
Tom: Jesus, Ed, we've got a traffic warden!
Bacon: I think he's still alive - he's got claret coming out of him somewhere. What did they want with a traffic warden?
Eddie: I don't know, but I don't think we need him! Knock him out and dump him at the lights!
Bacon: Knock him out? What'd ya mean, knock him out? Knock him out with what?
Eddie: I don't know! Use your imagination!
[Bacon punches the Traffic Warden, who moans in pain]
Tom: Don't touch him up! Knock him out!
Bacon: I'll knock you out in a minute! Look, you want to knock him out? *You* knock him out.
Eddie: I fucking hate traffic wardens.
[after a pause, Tom and Eddie jump into the back of the van with Bacon; all three proceed to batter the Traffic Warden senseless]
Eddie: That's quite a raise. That's 150 on my 100.
"Hatchet" Harry: Yeah. And is there anything else you want to say?
Eddie: [Entering Harry's office with corpses lying around] Oh no. Not again.
Eddie: The Traffic Warden identified the neighbours' bodies. Which sort of puts us in the clear. The only thing connecting us with the case is those shotguns.
Bacon: And Tom took care of them.
Soap: You did take care of the shotguns?
Tom: I wanted to talk to you about that?
Bacon: Well, talk.
Tom: Well, actually no. I've got them sitting in the car. I was gonna sell them back to Nick the Greek, but I'm having a bit of trouble getting hold of him.
Bacon: You dippy bastard.
Eddie: So... the only thing connecting us with the case, is in the back of your car which is parked outside?
Tom: They cost us 700 quid. I'm not gonna throw them away. And they're hardly likely to trace 'em back to us, are they?
Soap: Do you really think it's worth taking the risk for £700?
Eddie: Tom, you're a dick. Now you take those guns and you throw them off a bridge.
Bacon: And throw yourself off while you're at it.
Soap: I don't think it's the right move.
Eddie: It's either that, the old boy's place and we lose a digit daily. I'm gonna phone him.
Bacon: As if he'll care.
Eddie: He'll care alright, that was supposed to be his money. Whether he cares about us or not is different.
"Hatchet" Harry: Yeah? That you, boy?
Eddie: It's Ed, if that's you mean.
"Hatchet" Harry: Pay day, ain't it?
Eddie: Yeah... I wanted to talk to you about that.
"Hatchet" Harry: I'll bet you do. I got half a million nicker sitting here, which means some poor sod doesn't. You've upset a few people, boy. But that really isn't my concern, is it? What does concern me, is the guns you had. I want to talk to you about that. So get your arse over here now. And I do mean now.
Eddie: A compliment for us, is a compliment for you.
Eddie: Where are you going?
Delores: I'm going to the little nun's room, nosy!
[after seeing Delores on TV, when she should be hiding]
Eddie: I'm gonna kill her! I'm gonna kill her myself!
Eddie: Deloris, look. Vince knows you're here. We gotta get out now.
Delores: Oh, but I can't go. We're singin' for the Pope tomorrow.
Eddie: Listen! You gonna be singin' for St. Peter if you don't get your ass outta here now!
Eddie: Nice church, huh?
Delores: Yes, very nice. Look, what am I gonna be? Quasimodo in the belfry? What is this?
Eddie: I want you to stay here for a while.
Eddie: In the convent. It's the safest place in the world. You think Vince is gonna look for you in a convent?
Delores: Wh... in the what?
Eddie: The convent.
Delores: You must be out of your... You know what? I'm gonna go back and work this out with Vince. You're a lunatic! I'm not gonna be in no damn convent with these people. These people don't even have sex!
Eddie: Can I call you Dolores?
Dolores: You can call me anything you want as long as you keep me alive.
Sister Mary Clarence: I can't leave, they need me.
Eddie: A bunch of nuns? What for? Relationship guidance? Make up tips?
Sister Mary Clarence: You listen to me. We are talking about the Pope. This means a great deal to them and they have worked very hard for this and they deserve it.
Delores: Are you looking for me?
Eddie: How come I saw you on TV?
Delores: That was not my fault, these people just showed up, but it's been really good for the convent.
Eddie: Listen to yourself! This is not a career move!
Delores: You don't have to tell me that. This would not be the place to begin a career.
Eddie: You're supposed to be hiding out. Bullets flying through the air at you? Sound familiar?
Delores: Yes, but I can't talk about it now because I have a show in 5 minutes.
Eddie: Just promise me I won't see you on the Letterman Show.
Delores: What am I gonna do here? I'm gonna go crazy! There's nothing but a lot of white women dressed as nuns! What am I gonna do here?
Eddie: Mrs. Van Cartier? You're Vince LaRocca's girlfriend, right?
Delores: Well you could... sort of... maybe... it depends on how you look at it! I mean, the guy just tried to kill me so I don't think that cements our relationship!
Eddie: You realize he's a major underworld figure, don't you?
Det. Clarkson: He's into drug dealing, money laundering.
Det. Tate: We've been investigating Mr. LaRocca for the last 18 months. We've got videotapes, surveillance photos...
Delores: Am I... am I in any of the... videotapes?
Det. Tate: No, no, no, criminal activity.
Deborah: We can upload your entire album to fridges, washer dryers, blenders, and microwaves across the country.
Owen: You could do that?
Deborah: Yes, nerd. It's just wifi jibber jabber; it's not a big deal.
Eddie: Nobody doin' appliance shit, my nigga.
Deborah: Isn't that right, my nigger? No one is doing appliance shit!
Harry: Okay... w-with the hard "r".
Warren: Stop calling me Warren! My name isn't FUCKING WARREN!
Eddie: His name isn't Warren.
Corey: His name isn't Warren.
Berko: His name isn't Warren.
Mark: I thought his name was Warren?
[Corey left her bra]
Eddie: You forgot your thingy.
Eddie: Can I ask you something? Do you know where Harvard is?
A.J.: It's near Boston.
Eddie: No I mean, do you really know where Harvard is? It's another planet man- another universe. Totally unlike the one we know. Filled with big blond guys who eat ivy and row boats. What I'm trying to say is, you and Corey just aren't made for each other. She's different from you.
Eddie: This music is the glue of the world Mark. It's what holds it all together. Without this, life would be meaningless.
Mark: Hey, did you hear about Lucas?
Eddie: Hey Lucas man, I hear you went to Vegas and you married a mobster's wife and now you've got a hit on you and stuff. Is that true?
Lucas: Not entirely true.
Eddie: Well outlaw man, we solute you.
Lucas: Thank you Eddie.
Eddie: No problem.
Eddie: They're my special recipe... and you know what that means... Lots of sugar.
Eddie: [about J.D's Gangsta Grub logo] Who the hell is this? Mike Tyson?
Eddie: I take Ritalin, this kind of prescription drug. It's not like a drug that fucks you up. If anything, it makes you normal.
Eddie: You surprised to see us, Clark?
Clark: Oh, Eddie... If I woke up tomorrow with my head sewn to the carpet, I wouldn't be more surprised than I am now.
Ellen: What are you looking at?
Clark: Oh, the silent majesty of a winter's morn... the clean, cool chill of the holiday air... an asshole in his bathrobe, emptying a chemical toilet into my sewer...
[Eddie, in the driveway, is draining the RV's toilet]
Eddie: Shitter was full.
Clark: Ah, yeah. You checked our shitters, honey?
Ellen: Clark, please. He doesn't know any better.
Clark: He oughta know it's illegal. That's a storm sewer. If it fills with gas, I pity the person who lights a match within ten yards of it.
Eddie: Don't go puttin' none of that stuff on my sled, Clark. You know that metal plate in my head? I had to have it replaced, cause every time Catherine revved up the microwave I'd piss my pants and forget who I was for a half hour or so. So over at the VA they had to replace it with plastic. It ain't as strong so I don't know if I should go sailin down no hill with nothing between the ground and my brains but a piece of government plastic.
Clark: You really think it matters, Eddie?
Clark: Hey, Kids, I heard on the news that an airline pilot spotted Santa's sleigh on its way in from New York City.
Eddie: [after a pause] You serious, Clark?
Eddie: She falls down a well, her eyes go cross. She gets kicked by a mule. They go back. I don't know.
Clark: So, when did you get the tenament on wheels?
Eddie: Oh, that uh, that there's an RV. Yeah, yeah, I borrowed it off a buddy of mine. He took my house, I took the RV. It's a good looking vehicle, ain't it?
Clark: Yeah, it looks so nice parked in the driveway.
[Raises glass to his mouth]
Eddie: Yeah, it sure does. But, don't you go falling in love with it now, because, we're taking it with us when we leave here next month.
[Clark nearly chokes on his drink]
Clark: Can I refill your eggnog for you? Get you something to eat? Drive you out to the middle of nowhere and leave you for dead?
Eddie: Naw, I'm doing just fine, Clark.
[Todd Chester stares in horror at Eddie draining the RV toilet]
Eddie: Merry Christmas. Shitter was full.
Clark: [Revealing his Christmas "bonus"] It's a one year membership to the Jelly of the Month Club.
Eddie: Clark, that's the gift that keeps on giving the whole year.
Clark: Catherine, if this turkey tastes half as good as it looks, we're all in for a real treat!
Eddie: Save the neck for me, Clark.
Clark: Okay Eddie...
Clark: No, Eddie. It was my fault. I lost my temper when I got my bonus and I guess I said a few thing I shouldn't have.
Mr. Frank Shirley: Bonus? How did you get a bonus? I cut out bonuses this year.
Clark: Yeah. Thanks for telling us. I was expecting a check. Instead I got enrolled in a jelly club. 17 years with the company. I've gotten a Christmas bonus every year but this one. You don't want to give bonuses, fine. But when people count on them as their salary, well what you did just plain...
Rusty Griswold: Sucks.
Clark: Thank you, Russ. My cousin-in-law, whose heart is bigger than his brain...
Eddie: Appreciate that, Clark.
Clark: Is innocent. I'll be more than happy to take the rap on this, on behalf of myself and every other employee you rear-ended this Christmas.
Eddie: I don't know if I oughta go sailin' down no hill with nothin' between the ground and my brains but a piece of government plastic.
Clark: Do you really think it matters, Eddie?
Eddie: [walks in with a bound and gagged Mr. Shirley tied with a big red ribbon] Ho ho ho, Merry Christmas, Clark.
[to Mr. Shirley]
Eddie: You about ready to do some kissing?
Eddie: [Referring to the electrocuted cat] If that thing had nine lives, he just spent 'em all.
Eddie: Every time Catherine revved up the microwave, I'd piss my pants and forget who I was for about half an hour or so.
Eddie: If only I had that money Catherine and I gave to that TV preacher who was screwin' that hockey player.
Clark: What about the kids?
Eddie: His kids can fend for themselves.
Mr. Frank Shirley: [to Clark] You're fired! And where's the phone? I'm calling the police!
Eddie: Now, just hold your wad there, fella. Clark had nothin' to do with this. This here, was my idea.
Mr. Frank Shirley: All right, he's still fired. And, *you*, are going to jail!
Clark: [the Christmas dinner table shudders, and loud gagging noises come from underneath. Clark looks to see where its coming from] Edward, what's wrong with the dog?
Eddie: [Looks underneath the table] Oh, he's just yakkin' on a bone.
[Grotesque barfing noises]
Eddie: He's got it up!
[Winks at Clark that everything's okay]
Clark: Maybe if you wouldn't feed him from the table?
Eddie: No. No, he's probably just been nosing through the trash.
[Shows kitchen, which looks like the city dump]
[talking about Snot, Eddie's dog]
Eddie: If you scratch his belly, Clark, he will love you till the day you die.
Clark: I really shouldn't, Eddie. My hands are all chapped.
Eddie: [holding Aunt Bethany's present] This one here, is leaking.
[Ellen sticks her finger in the leak. Eddie leans over and sucks it off her finger]
Eddie: It's lime!
Art: [to Rocky] You got a kiss for me?
Eddie: Better take a rain check on that, Art - he's got a lip fungus they ain't identified yet...
Eddie: Your company kill all them people in India not too long ago?
Clark: No, we missed out on that one.
Clark: My cousin in-law, whose heart is bigger than his brain...
Eddie: I appreciate that, Clark.
Clark: ...Is innocent.
Clark: [Clark and Eddie are carrying the chair outside after the cat was electrocuted] You smell something?
Eddie: Fried pussycat.
Clark: [Clark looks down at the jello and sees that it's trimmed with cat food] Aunt Bethany, does your cat eat jello?
Eddie: I don't know about the cat, but *I* sure am enjoying it.
Eddie: Don't forget the rubber sheets and gerbils.
Clark: I can't believe you're standing here in my living room, Eddie. Never thought the day would come.
Eddie: Yeah I'm excited about it too.
Gene: The fact that you're even thinking about this plan means that that bag is gonna be devoid of money in less than three weeks.
Eddie: Not true.
Eddie: There is a happy ending on this one. Absolutely.
Gene: There can't be a happy ending. Because there has never been a happy ending for you.
Eddie: That's a loser's attitude.
Gene: Every story you ever told me, from the day I've met you has been about how you were here and then you ended up here.
Eddie: That's because you're my sponsor. What, am I just gonna tell you my glory stories? Most of 'em are winning stories.
Gene: Who's your sponsor?
Gene: Me? No, I'm not.
Eddie: Yeah, you are.
Gene: No, no, no. I'm not. Because you haven't been to a meeting in six months and there's a system in place and that program is supposed to work in a particular way. Let me tell you who I am. I'm a guy who you invite to diners and then you spout your bullshit about what you're gonna do and then you hope that I accept it, so you don't feel guilty about your behavior.
Eddie: My sponsor.
Castillo: A leader must be a father to his people. I've always believed that. Sometimes a father has to be strict with his children for their own good. The people back there, they don't understand that.
Eddie: Whatever happens, sir, whatever happens, I'm very proud to be working for you.
Eddie: How am I supposed to get out of this mail room prison if they keep hiring people from the outside?
[to Judy Bernly]
Eddie: Lady, you're gonna *hate* it, here.
Eddie: She gets a cottage and I get the shitty little suite?
Lee: She has an entourage.
Eddie: What about me?
Lee: You have an entourage?
Eddie: I'm a paranoid schizophrenic. I *am* my own entourage!
Wellness Guide: This letter, Edward, is a very important part of the healing process. By writing to your mother, you afford yourself the opportunity to thank her, or forgive her, or to ask her why she did the things she did. Now we don't mail the letter, but the simple act of putting it on paper frees you, allows you to let go. Now... what did you say to your mother?
Eddie: [reading] "Dear Mom, Fuck you."
Wellness Guide: Okay. We'll try the letter some other time.
Eddie: I tried to walk away, but the guy just kept pushing. So I hit him in the tray with my face.
Wellness Guide: We have a saying, Edward: "Meck-a-leck-a-hala-vabeem-sala-beem".
Eddie: What is that? Bean salad?
Wellness Guide: "Meck-a-leck-a-hala-vabeem-sala-beem".
Eddie: What does that mean?
Wellness Guide: I don't know what it means, it's very old.
Eddie: How can you be in love with someone and not even like them at the same time?
Gwen: You love me.
Eddie: Yes, I do. I do love you. I love that beautiful, bright, sexy woman up on the screen...
Gwen: [to the crowd] See? He loves me.
Eddie: Yeah, the girl I used to make movies with. But that's not the real you. That's you pretending to be real, which you're really good at. So when I'm with you in real life, I think I'm going to be with the real you, but I'm not. I'm with the real you that's with me right now, not the real you from the movies, and I don't want to be with... *you*.
Eddie: [to Gwen] You're the devil.
Eddie: Kiki! Kiki! Hold on, hold on. I want to talk. Look...
Kiki: Let go of me!
Eddie: Just... I want to talk!
Kiki: I don't want to talk to you!
Eddie: Why not?
Kiki: Because you're an idiot!
Kiki: You know what? For that matter, I'm an idiot, too! In that respect, we're actually quite perfect for each other.
Eddie: This is a very complicated situation...
Kiki: Well, let me uncomplicate it for you, huh? Forget about what happened between us, Eddie. It's not going to work, all right? I mean, last night... last night was great. But then she calls you this morning and you just cannot wait to get out the door to get to her! What is that? It's just not going to work, 'cause you will probably always be thinking about her, and I will probably always be wondering if you were thinking about her. I just... I just need you to know one thing.
Kiki: That woman that you saw by the pool the other night...
Kiki: No, that woman that you just have to spend the rest of your life with...
Kiki: That was me.
Gwen: Kiki? What was that movie called?
Kiki: I don't give a shit!
Eddie: No, that wasn't it.
Eddie: [at the Junket Interview] Look, Byron, I want to be honest with you. Before I came down from the room, I took a half a pound of Vicodin, so I'm going to be really comfortable until about late March.
Eddie: I am grateful for you. In all the world, thing I am most grateful for is you.
Kiki: If that's a line from one of your movies...
Eddie: No, that one's mine.
Kiki: Are you okay now?
Eddie: If you would have asked me a couple of hours ago, I would have said no. But something happened tonight that was really incredible. I was out walking by the cottages, and it was like Gwen was drawing me to her. And I just look over this wall, and there she was. She was standing by the pool, all dressed in white, like an angel in the desert. I thought to myself: "That's why you're here. You're supposed to win her back." No way she's gonna stay with Hector. I mean, there's no way. That's the woman I'm supposed to spend the rest of my life with.
Kiki: [slowly] Really? The... The... The woman by the pool?
Eddie: [at dinner] What are you thinking right now?
Kiki: I am thinking about something that I shouldn't be thinking about.
Eddie: Me too. What were you thinking about?
Kiki: I was thinking about eating that breadstick.
Kiki: [after Eddie kisses her] What was that?
Eddie: Another stupid thing.
Gwen: Are you seeing anybody?
Gwen: Are you seeing anybody?
Eddie: Let me think about how I answer that? Um, not... you know...
Eddie: ... Not technically, no.
Kiki: [eavesdropping] What?
Gwen: He said "not technically".
Eddie: That's a nice necklace.
Kiki: It's not really mine.
Eddie: I know.
Kiki: It's Gwen's.
Eddie: I know.
Kiki: She gave it to me.
Eddie: And I gave it to her.
Kiki: I know.
Lee: So, do you want to arrive first or second?
Lee: Be right back.
[goes to Gwen's limo]
Lee: He wants to go second.
Kiki: Let him go second.
Gwen: He can go second. No, wait a minute. He should go first. I don't want to look like his opening act. I want to go second.
Kiki: She wants to go second.
Lee: Second it is.
[goes back to Eddie's limo]
Lee: She wants to go second.
Eddie: Fine, let her come second. I don't care. Let her come behind me. That way she'll be able to see the knife she stuck in my back.
Lee: Thank you.
[back at Gwen's limo]
Lee: Second? We're all set.
Gwen: Who cares?
Kiki: She doesn't care.
Gwen: Yes, I do! I'm going first!
Eddie: [back at Eddie's limo] I don't care! I don't care! Why is this an issue?
Lee: I'm just trying to facilitate the...
Eddie: I don't care! Can we just get to the hotel?
Lee: You're going second.
Eddie: [rolling up the window] I don't care! I don't care! I don't care! I don't care!
Lee: You're going second. Eddie? You're going second.
Eddie: [rolls down the window] I don't care.
Lee: Okay. Thank you.
Gwen: [part of Eddie's revenge fantasy] Oh, Eddie, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. I know you'll never forgive me, but please, please take me back. Oh... that a gun in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?
Eddie: Actually, it's a gun.
[shoots her multiple times]
Eddie: You probably read in People Magazine that I'm on Zoloft.
Eddie: I'm grateful for the earth... I'm grateful for the stars and the sky...
Eddie: Lee, I can't do this! I told you this was a mistake. She's very close to here, now, isn't she? She's in the next room, I can feel her.
Lee: No. She's in the cottage at the back of the property.
Eddie: [pause] I sensed that. She's close, man, she's real close.
Lee: No, she's not. The cottages are way back on the property. Way back.
Kiki: [after Hector hits Eddie in the face with a tray] Eddie, Eddie, are you okay?
Eddie: I can feel my nose in the back of my throat, is that bad?
Eddie: This is Kishtonga Root!
Eddie: [as Doctor Martin] Read from the top line Sasha.
Gwen: [as Sasha] I-L-O-V-E-Y-O... Oh.
Eddie: [as Doctor Martin] You.
Gwen: [as Sasha] Doctor Martin.
Hector: Maybe you want to take a swing at me? Huh? Tall boy. Come on. Please, come on.
Eddie: What are you...? What is that?
Hector: Let's go. Please. Please, make my day.
Kiki: Good morning. How do you feel?
Eddie: I feel good. I mean... I feel weird, but I feel good. You?
Kiki: Yeah, I feel something along those lines. Good, weird. Weird, good.
Eddie: Is Kiki here?
Gwen: I doubt it.
Gwen: Kiki! Kiki! I don't know where that girl is.
Eddie: I blew it. I lost her.
Lee: Guy goes to his rabbi. He says, "I think my wife's trying to poison me." Rabbi says, "Let me talk to her." Comes back a little later and says, "Listen, I spoke to your wife for three hours. Take the poison." You get it? You and Gwen are over.
Eddie: I don't care about Gwen! I'm talking about Kiki.
Wellness Guide: Are you comfortable speaking about Gwen?
Eddie: Think I should?
Wellness Guide: There's no "should".
Eddie: Think I can?
Wellness Guide: What is "can"?
Maura Klein: [laughing] Oh, you are funny! How do you live with him, Gwen?
Eddie: [laughing] She doesn't! She lives with someone else!
Kiki: Look... I'm tired of making excuses. I'm done picking up dirty clothes. I'm done pretending that your life is my whole life. I'm just... I'm done.
Gwen: So what you're really worried about is you.
Kiki: [thinks for a second] Yes.
Gwen: Well, I... guess you're fired.
[Gwen darts a glance at the audience, then throws her arms around Kiki]
Gwen: Honey! You know all I care about is your happiness. You know that, right?
Kiki: Wow. Thank you, Gwen, that's very...
Gwen: [pulls away from Kiki and grabs the microphone] So don't worry about me, everybody. I'll be fine!
Eddie: You're unbelievable.
Gwen: Shut up!
Eddie: There are three things that Black people need to tell the truth about. Number one: Rodney King should've gotten his ass beat for being drunk in a Hyundai in a white part of Los Angeles. Number two: O.J. did it! And number three: Rosa Parks didn't do nuthin' but sit her Black ass down!
Eddie: See, in my day, a barber was more than just somebody who sit around in a FUBU shirt with his drawers hanging all out. In my day, a barber was a counselor. He was a fashion expert. A style coach. Pimp. Just general all-around hustler. But the problem with y'all cats today, is that you got no skill. No sense of history. And then, with a straight face, got the nerve to want to be somebody. Want somebody to respect you. But it takes respect to get respect. Understand? See, I'm old. But, Lord willing, I'd be spared the sight of seeing everything that we worked for flushed down the drain by someone who don't know no better or care.
Eddie: Fuck Jesse Jackson!
Eddie: [Calvin tells Eddie that he sold the barbershop] This ain't no Goddamn school of the blind, Calvin! This is the barbershop! The place where a black man means something! Cornerstone of the neighborhood! Our own country club! I mean, can't you see that? Hell, that's the problem with your whole generation. You know, y'all... you don't believe in nothin'. But your father, he believed in something, Calvin. He believed and understood that something as simple as a little haircut could change the way a man felt on the inside.
Boy: [to Jimmy] You cut a patch in my head!
Eddie: Shane, look over there! He cut a patch in the li'l boy head; got him lookin' like "101 Dalmatians." You ever heard a' that movie? He look like a Dalmatian! That's one hundred an' two!
Jimmy: Eddie, not only is what you're saying not true, it is wrong and disrespectful for you to discuss Rosa Parks in that way.
Eddie: Wait, hold on here. Is this a barbershop? Is this a barbershop? If we can't talk straight in a barbershop, then where can we talk straight? We can't talk straight nowhere else. You know, this ain't nothin' but healthy conversation, that's all.
Lester: [greeting each other] Eddie.
Eddie: Knock his college ass out!
Eddie: Boy, look, look! Look! Your daddy may not had a whole lot of money. Oh, but he was rich, because he invested in people. What'd you think? You think I was the only one he gave a job to, Calvin? No! That man opened up the doors to anybody and any knucklehead around here in the city of Chicago that wanted to come down here and make somebody out themselves. Gave the opportunity to be somebody! A licensed professional barber. Now, me, myself, personally... I wouldn't gave half these bail-jumpers the opportunity. But, you know, it's just hard enough. You sit in there and try to cut somebody's head and gotta worry about this fool over there trying to shank you. But let me tell you somethin'. At the end of the day... the end of the day, I was glad I was here. And now you!
Terri: Don't touch my stuff no more, or there *will* be reprecussions...
Jimmy: You know what, "reprecussion" my nuts!
Terri: *Grow* some!
Eddie: Well, you heard that, didn't you, "Planters"?
Eddie: [Terri throws her roses] Hey, girl, this ain't a bullfight!
Jack: Hey guys, I brought a friend, okay? This is Mr. Woodruff.
Eddie: Are you ten, too?
Lawrence Woodruff: Uh, well if you ask my wife. No I'm afraid I'm just a regular, garden-variety old fart.
Louis: Hey, I brought Jack. He's right down there.
John-John: You brought the freak?
Louis: He's not a freak.
John-John: You said he was a freak!
Louis: Yeah, I said wrong alright? Get over it. He's cool. He knows how to shoot hoops. And he did me a favor today. Here, check this out. Look what he picked up on the way over.
[pulls out a Penthouse magazine]
John-John: He bought that?
[he reaches for it but Louie pulls it away]
Louis: Eh eh!
John-John: No way.
Louis: Way! Walked right into the store and picked it up. No fear, nothing. My man's the man!
John-John: That is way cool.
Eddie: Wish I was a freak!
Louis: Hey, lay off the freak stuff, alright? Jack's cool. And you gotta let him kick it with us. If he walks, Penthouse walks too.
George: So Jack, you bought that magazine?
Jack: Yeah, I buy 'em all the time.
George: What about Hustler? You get Hustler?
Jack: If you want it.
Jack: Yeah, that and uh, you know, all the grown-up stuff that only grown-ups can read.
George: Cool! And they don't give you no trouble in buying them? I mean like they don't ask for ID?
Jack: No. You know, I just don't shave for a day and I look like I'm fifty.
Eddie: It's over. Why can't you just let it go?
Jane: I can't.
Jane: Because I was happy. Because if this theory is wrong, men don't leave all women, Eddie. They leave me.
Eddie: I know it hurts. I know. It's so hard to believe that something that wonderful can ever happen to us again, but it can.
Jane: What is on your neck?
Eddie: I bit myself shaving.
Eddie: These are *people* not cows!
Jane: Man, She really did a number on you didn't she? Well, don't shit on my broken heart just because you converted to some warped brand of romantic atheism!
Eddie: It's called self-preservation.
Jane: Oh, in other words, your narcotize yourself with casual sex.
Jane: Of all the things you said to me that night, the thing that scared me the most was that I would find it again. Because I have.
Jane: Will you say something?
[walks over and kisses her]
Jane: She's D. Diane - Diane is D.
Eddie: Yes, D is for Diane. E is for Eddie.
Jane: So you're saying?
Eddie: What've we got to lose?
Eddie: Never underestimate casual sex Jane, it can be very liberating.
Jane: Do you promise not to laugh?
Jane: Eddie, did you ever find a roommate?
Eddie: Well, no actually.
Ray: You're moving in with Eddie?
Jane: [to Eddie] Because the place I was supposed to move into just suddenly fell apart and I was wondering if the offer was still good.
Ray: You're moving in with Eddie?
Jane: [to Ray] Maybe.
Jane: What's it like?
Eddie: 2 bedroom loft, big kitchen, lots of windows...
Jane: Sounds amazing. When can I see it?
Eddie: How about tonight?
Jane: Perfect. Everything is just perfect.
Jane: What are you thinking?
Eddie: I'm thinking the same thing you are, Jane. You and Ray are gonna' live happily ever after with matching volvos and chocolate labs. See you Monday.
Jane: Did you have *any* friends growing up?
Eddie: You better hurry. I think he's waiting around the corner.
[Eddie smokes a cigarette]
Staff Member: Excuse me, this is a smoke free building.
Eddie: Blow me.
Jane: You know, that's why God invented turtlenecks.
Eddie: No, that's why God invented Darlene.
Eddie: [handing earrings to Nina] Nina, you left these in my bathroom.
Jane: You don't waste any time, do you?
[Eddie shows Jane his apartment]
Jane: Do we have to share a bathroom?
Eddie: Oh no, I never ever use the bathroom.
Eddie: You book 'em. I cook 'em.
Jane: Morning Eddie! What's that on your neck?
Eddie: I bit myself shaving.
Eddie: Get out! This is a car jack!
Greg Brady: [rolls down the window] Well, of course this is a car. But my name's not Jack. It's Greg.
Paige: Denmark isn't ready for a Queen like me.
Eddie: Well then they'll have to be. Because I am.
Soren: The chances of a relationship between yourself and Miss Paige are not promising. You two are of a completely different caliber.
Eddie: Soren, just cause she isn't royalty doesn't mean she's not important.
Soren: The higher caliber I was referring to, sir, was hers.
Eddie: [reading Shakespeare's 148 sonnet] "O me! What eyes hath love put in my head/ Which have no correspondence with true sight?/ Or if they have where is my judgment fled/ That censures falsely what they see aright?" It's beautiful.
Paige: It's gibberish. I have no idea what he's saying.
Eddie: Well, he's saying that love is magical, and that it makes people look at each other in an unspoiled way, without judgment.
Paige: Why doesn't he just say that? Why can't people just say what they mean?
Eddie: Well, people rarely say what they mean. That's the interesting part, is... is what's going on underneath the surface. See, take line. The sun itself sees not until heaven clears. What does that mean to you?
Paige: That the sun can't shine when it's cloudy.
Eddie: No. You're being too literal. See, don't just go for the obvious. See, all these words, they have multiple meanings, and you have to explore the possibilities and then make your choice. See, like the word "sun", that could mean the actual sun, or it can mean light. But then "light" can mean knowledge or reason.
Paige: That could go on forever.
Eddie: Yes. Yes, it could. But I think in this case it means reason. And then "heaven" may refer to the pearly gates, or it could mean a state of being, you know, like being happy or in love. So now read it again, taking in all the possibilities, and tell me what you think it means.
Paige: The sun itself sees not until heaven clears. I guess it means that love blinds you. And when you're in love, you can't think reasonably.
Eddie: Do you agree?
Paige: Yeah... I mean, it's just a poem.
Eddie: Yeah... Yeah, it's just a poem.
Paige: We did King Lear, now we're on the sonnets. Next it's Hamlet, which is about a whiny prince from Denmark. What does that have to do with reality?
Eddie: More than you think.
Paige: Well you're from Denmark. Do you even have princes?
Eddie: Yes, I think we do.
Eddie: This Saturday evening there's a party at Brenner hall, a gathering. I was wondering if you would like to accompany me?
Paige: Accompany you?
Eddie: Oh, right, yes, how do you say it colloquially? Um, yo dog, there's a party kicking at my crib if you want to roll down there with me.
Paige: That was just sad, don't ever do that again.
Eddie: Today marks a profound and bittersweet milestone for all of us, as we bear witness to both an end and a beginning. And while we must continue on, we must also be grateful to have been blessed with someone who has so ably guided us to where we are today. When there has been so much love and happiness for someone, it is natural to be reluctant to close such a wonderful chapter in our lives, for moving forward is rarely accomplished without considerable grief and sadness. And while our sorrow may be profound, the clouds will clear, and the sun will shine on us again. And in that warm, bright light we will find ourselves facing a glorious future. A future of exciting challenges and infinite possibilities, in which the horizon will stretch out before us, trimmed in the heavenly glow of the sunrise of our tomorrow.
Eddie: [after being told he can't marry Paige] Well, then I hope you think that Arabella is fit to be Queen at the age of twelve! Oh, no, I'm forgetting Nestor.
Queen: Don't threaten us!
Eddie: Cousin Bartholomew's idiot son, Nestor. The 45-year-old virgin in diapers Oh, the people will rejoice.
King Haraald: ENOUGH!
[everyone is quiet]
King Haraald: Edvard, you will be the next king of Denmark. Do you hear me?
Eddie: Yes, sir.
King Haraald: Now, about your young lady. If you say you love her as you do, and you believe she will make you happy, then marry her.
Queen: Haraald, you can't mean that. Maybe this is not a good time to discuss...
King Haraald: No, it's a perfect time. It is at the end of a man's life when he realizes how important his decisions were at the beginning.
Eddie: [leaves with a big grin and a certain eagerness]
Paige: Could you please put a shirt on or something?
Eddie: If you're going to be a doctor, you're going to have to get used to naked men.
Paige: Are there a lot of princes where you're from, or are you kinda it?
Eddie: I'm it.
Eddie: I have learn'd me to repent the sin of disobedient opposition. To you and your behests, and am enjoin'd and beg your pardon.
Paige: [to Soren] Is he drunk now?
Eddie: It's from a play, Romeo and Juliet? Shakespeare?
Paige: This is going to be a fun semester. Don't forget your half of the supplies next time.
John Morgan: I don't know anyone from Denmark. I've never heard of anyone from there. Have you?
Paige: Yeah, sure.
Eddie: Um, Kierkegaard, Niels Bohr, Hans Christian Andersen.
John Morgan: [whispers to Mike] Who's Hans Christian Andersen?
Eddie: Um, Lars Ulrich.
Mike Morgan: From Metallica?
Eddie: From Metallica.
Mike Morgan: Get out.
John Morgan: Ok.
Eddie: And, um, Helena Christensen.
John Morgan: Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait a second. The Victoria's Secret model?
Mike Morgan: Ok, that's gotta be the coolest country in the World now.
John Morgan: Seriously, you should be a superpower.
[all burst out laughting]
Soren: Good heavens!
[as he enters the dorm room]
Soren: I thought you had to be convicted of a crime before you lived somewhere like this.
Eddie: Well it's not that bad. Plus, we haven't seen the rest of it yet.
[opens closet door]
Soren: Apparently, this is the rest of it.
Eddie: Well I like it. And I'll even let you have first choice of the beds.
Soren: Ooo, heavens, which stained mattress shall I choose?
Scotty: [enters, coughing, sniffling, and clearing throat] You the new guys? I'm Scotty. All right, all my food's labeled, so I'll know if you ate anything. I'm allergic to dairy, shellfish, red meat, melon, nuts, and kiwi, so don't bring any of that stuff around here.
[sits down at computer]
Scotty: The X-box is off limits. If you screw up any of my high scores, I'll blind you with my laser pointer.
Paige: This class is really important to me because I need this teacher to get me into med school. And if I'm stuck with you as my partner, I can't afford to have you screw things up for me, OK?
Eddie: It's very important to me, as well. I love organic chemistry. I've recently discovered that large amounts of alcohol mixed with a carbon-based life form causes the life form to blurt out stupid things. So apologies to the other night. I was just having some fun.
Paige: Of course you were. And I love being made to feel like a brainless slut by some sloppy lush. Thanks.
Paige: Oh no.
Paige: You didn't tell me you lived with your parents.
Liquor Store Man: What the hell are you?
Stevo: ooo, we come from the east in search of the Messiah! We followed that big star
Eddie: Yeah, we bring gold, and frankincense.
Stevo: [Still pointing upwards] You see it?
Eddie: and myrrh.
Stevo, Eddie: Myrrh.
Liquor Store Man: You do what?
Stevo: Followed the star.
Liquor Store Man: Oh my God. Who let you boys out of the state institute? We'd better get you boys back in the hospital.
Bob: No, no, no, no, no, it's all right, man. We're from England.
Liquor Store Man: England?
Bob: Yeah, that's right. That's probably why we seem so weird to you, man.
Liquor Store Man: England, huh? Well that explains it I guess.
Bob: Hey Eddie, do you like this music?
Eddie: Yeah. It rocks!
Bob: Well I think this music's for posers.
Eddie: [brief pause] Well i think you're a fag.
Eddie: You... You... You make me sick. You've just gone down two steps in my... my book!
Mikey: Eddie what ya say we go and get an apple juice?
Eddie: Nah Mike I'm into my little training thing
Mikey: What kinda training thing?
Eddie: You know I'm wearing the trainin pants man
Mikey: Oh man, don't tell me you're goin along with this potty business too?
Eddie: We have to Mike cos the Toilet man says so
Eddie: Mr Toilet man, he likes to eat your doody an your pee-pee. So I say give it to him
Mikey: Eat your doody and your pee-pee who told you that?
Eddie: My mother, why? You callin her a liar?
Eddie: She told me diapers are for babies
Mikey: But eat your doody and your pee-pee? Eddie the thought is too hideous to comprehend
Eddie: Let's get the hell outta here, Snake. I think I hear one of them silent alarms.
[Snake and Eddie are riding in the hi-jacked police car; and Eddie is coming up to the two main Airport signs]
Eddie: Okay, we gotta pick a road. Arrivals or departures? We're arriving, but then we're departing. Which one, Snake?
Snake: What do you think?
Jenny Herk: I think you guys should turn yourselves in and plead not guilty by reason of stupidity.
Snake: [looks at the signs] Departures.
[Getting into the hi-jacked police car]
Snake: Let's go.
Eddie: I ain't never driven one of these before.
Snake: It ain't a spaceship, asshole. Drive.
Eddie: I wonder how some people could be such a necessary part of one's life one day and simply vanish the next. Isn't it supposed to last?
Eddie: Solitude brought out the worst in me. It gave me time to brood over the nature of things. I wondered how some people could be such a necessary part of one's life one day, and simply vanish the next. Isn't it supposed to last? We ran into each other at graduation. We had lunch about a year after that. It was nice to see them, but it wasn't like the old days. My college experience wasn't what I had planned. It bore no resemblance to the pictures in the brochure. But I'm not unhappy; I don't think any of us are. We got what we needed out of it. It's kind of like going on a vacation - you plan everything out but one day you make a wrong turn or take a detour, and you end up in some crazy place you can never find on the map, doing something you never thought you'd do. Maybe you feel a little lost while it's happening. But, later, you realize it was the best part of the whole trip
Alex: You have the hots for me, I have the hots for him, and sooner or later he's gonna have the hots for you.
Eddie: Sounds pretty hot to me.
Eddie: If Alex and Stuart were genetically merged into one person, he or she would've been the love of my life.
Stuart: How did we get on the ceiling?
Eddie: Did you pay the gravity bill this morning?
Stuart: I forgot!
Stuart: Why didn't you just fuck her?
Eddie: Yeah, right!
Stuart: Eddy, the girl was ripping your pants off with her teeth. She's in the perfect position, at least get a blowjob!
Alex: What are you doing in here?
Eddie: Our room has a foul and mysterious odor.
Alex: So clean it, you used to be a clean person.
Eddie: That was before I moved in with him. I used to make hospital corners, now I don't even change the sheets
[On Catcher In The Rye]
Stuart: It's a great book, you're going to love it.
Alex: I've read it four times.
Stuart: I've often felt like the main character, Holden Caulfield...
Eddie: No, no, he's Stradlater, the obnoxious room-mate who thinks he's it.
Eddie: Pandora's proverbial box had been opened, and what's more, none of us were sure that we wanted it closed again.
[after the guys meet Alex, she storms out, slamming the door]
Stuart: Wow, she's amazing. Truly amazing.
Stuart: Amaaaaazing grace...
Eddie: It's not Grace, it's Alex.
Stuart: [sings] Amaaaaazing Alex...
[Eddie hits Stuart in the face with a football]
Eddie: Gay sex, by definition, is better than straight sex.
Stuart: Get the fuck outta here! I would love to hear this.
Eddie: If you have male genitalia and you're sleeping with someone who also has male genitalia, then you have first-hand knowledge of how their equipment works. You know all the pressure-sensitive points. You know what buttons to push. If you're a man having sex with a woman or vice-versa, you never really know how they feel. You don't know if they really feel great or if they're just faking it.
Eddie: Excuse me. Are you Lizzie from the Internet?
Eddie: Trust me, getting rejected by text is a lot less humiliating.
Brandon, Justin: Right
Eddie: Did you get it? Did you get it?
[Tim throws Eddie's severed penis onto his lap]
Tim: Don't say I never did anything for you.
Eddie: [after Tim accidentally hits Eddie with the van's window] Fuck me man, that was my head!
Mark: [after coming up with a story to tell the cops] You hear that Eddie? I never hit you.
Eddie: Why should I lie?
Mark: What are you talking about?
Eddie: Why should I lie, when this is all your fault?
Mark: My fault? How the fuck is this my fault?
Eddie: Well if you hadn't been so worried about your paint job, my penis would be in my pants right now and not in my fucking hand!
Eddie: What's with the books?
[Tim holds up a book and tries to light it on fire]
Eddie: You're gonna burn a book?
Tim: It's not like this is great fucking literature or anything. I'm doing the world a favor.
Tim: Dude, you just broke my box.
Eddie: Yeah, you're mom told me that last night.
Eddie: I'd hate to be you if I were me.
Eddie: All you gotta do is beg for a little mercy.
Henry: Quittin' to you would be like swallowin' piss for eternity.
Eddie: You know, it's funny... you come to someplace new, an'... and everything looks just the same.
Willie: No kiddin', Eddie.
Eddie: You know, last year before I met your cousin, I never know you were from Hungary or Budapest or any of those places.
Willie: So what?
Eddie: I thought you were an American.
Willie: Hey, I'm as American as you are.
[Silence. They begin driving into Cleveland]
Eddie: Does Cleveland look a little like, uh, Budapest?
Willie: Eddie, shut up.
Eddie: [watches plane take off] Aw, Willie. I had a bad feeling. Damn. What the hell you gonna do in Budapest?
Eva: I'm going to Cleveland in about a week.
Eddie: Cleveland, beautiful city. It's got a big, beautiful lake. You will love it there.
Eva: Have you been there?
Eddie: No, no.
Willie: Man, what are we doing here?
Eddie: I don't know.
Eddie: Where did she get all that money?
Willie: [In the car with Eddie: Willie hails a random stranger standing on the sidewalk] Excuse me... Sir? Sir!
Factory Worker: [annoyed] What do you want?
Willie: Could you come over here a minute?
Factory Worker: I'm just waiting for the bus.
Willie: I want to ask you directions.
Factory Worker: What?
Willie: Just come here, so I don't have to yell. Can you tell me which way is Cleveland?
Factory Worker: Give me a break, man. I'm just going to work.
Willie: Where do you work?
Factory Worker: In a factory.
Willie: [Turns to Eddie] Let's go.
Eddie: [they drive off] I don't know, Willie... Ah, the poor guy. God! You shouldn't have given him such a hard time. Can you imagine working in a factory?
Willie: No, I can't. Now I feel bad.
Eddie: Nah, don't feel bad.
Willie: How much money we got left?
Eddie: We got a lot.
Willie: Count it.
Eddie: Hey, Willie, why are you always telling me what to do?
Willie: Seems like if I don't tell you what to do, you don't do anything at all.
Willie: You ever been to Florida?
Eddie: Florida? Yeah, it's beautiful down there.
Eddie: You know, white beaches, and girls with bikinis...
Eddie: Cape Canaveral, Miami Beach...
Willie: Cape Canaveral! Miami Beach! That's right.
Eddie: They got pelicans down there, and flamingos... all those weird birds.
Willie: You been there?
Eddie: Nah, I never been there.
Willie: You're a jerk, Eddie. You know that?... Nah, come on.
Eddie: [taking food orders from people in the shop] Okay... so that's three orders of "hell naw", two orders of "ask ya mama", and one order of "negro please".
Gina: What Calvin NEEDS you to do is to get up off your fat ass an' cut some heads!
Eddie: Now how you gonna talk about size... when you one Reese's Pieces away from Jenny Craig y'self?
Eddie: The D.C. sniper is the "Jackie Robinson" of crime! He broke into the crazy White leagues!
Eddie: What kind of coffee is it?
Yuppie: It's not a coffee. It's a chai with soy.
Eddie: Okay, so it's herbal.
Eddie: I was just looking for a friend.
Geri: You're gonna be looking for a long time.
Eddie: Alright, newsflash, this just in, Johnny: Missy is going to the prom with Buck. You got it?
Johnny: Look. You pretend to kill her, I save her life, she thinks I'm a hero, ditches Buck and goes to the prom with me. How sweet is that?
Eddie: This is desperate and this is sick. I think you should get some therapy. I do!
Eddie: What do you mean, what? You just tried to take a bite out of my arm!
Johnny: I'm sorry, Eddie. It was just gonna be a little bite.
Eddie: Where the fuck's my chainsaw?
Eddie: Daddy's gonna cuuut, Daddy's gonna cuuut...
Eddie: There is a scene in this movie were a girl get's raped by a beaver and is then shoot in the head with a bazooka.
White Demon: I'm still waiting.
Eddie: I don't understand. Waiting for what?
White Demon: For you to prove yourself. You've got such potential. It would be a real waste if you didn't put it to use. A whole world needs to be corrected. There is much work to be done - I trust you will be happy to do your part.
Eddie: I tried to do my best!
White Demon: Yes, I know about your work. Now let me honest, I'm far from pleased. You know what's shown on the screen is a mere reflection of someone's ungodly sick mind. You have to remove these minds or else nothing is won. Just remember not to expect any gratitude. Look what they did to me, and all I wanted was to free them from evil.
White Demon: You know. Them.
Eddie: Yeah, I guess so.
Eddie: [twirling pencil with one hand] You brought "Loose Limbs 7"?
Nick: Yeah, sure did. Great movie!
Eddie: "Great movie"? Ninety minutes of condensed sex and violence - do you call that a "great movie"? Do you have the slightest idea of what the moral and ethical principle is?
Nick: Hey man, relax! You shouldn't take things too seriously.
Eddie: [gritting teeth] I'm perfectly relaxed!
[Mike falls over while trying to breakdance]
Mike: I think I broke my head.
Eddie: [standing over Mike] Oh, thank God. I thought that you actually hurt yourself.
Eddie: You were doing some sort of secret ops sort of stuff, right?
Henry Durand: Yeah.
Eddie: Would you tell me about it?
Henry Durand: If I did, it wouldn't be a secret.
Eddie: Just because you're Jewish, doesn't mean you're fuckin' Freud.
Artie: Just because you're whatever the fuck you are, doesn't mean you're whatever the fuck you think you are.
Mickey: You don't know what you're saying. You don't.
Eddie: I do.
Mickey: No. I know you think you know what you're saying, but you're not saying it.
Eddie: No, I know what I'm saying. I don't know what I mean, but I know what I'm saying. Is that what you mean?
Eddie: Right. But it's not like anybody knows what anything means, right? It's not like anybody knows that. So at least I know I don't know what I mean, which is better than most people. They probably think they know what they mean, not just what they think they mean.
Darlene: Are you aware that you're yelling?
Eddie: My voice is raised in emphasis. It's a perfectly legitimate use of volume.
Mickey: What kind of tone is that?
Eddie: What kind of tone is that? That's my tone.
Mickey: Yeah, but what does it mean?
Eddie: My tone? What does my tone mean? I don't have to interpret my fucking tone for you, Mickey. I don't know what it means.
Donna: How you been?
Eddie: I'm a wreck.
Donna: You look a wreck, actually, but I didn't want to be rude and
Eddie: I don't know what I'm doing. You know what I mean?
Donna: You're in the pool.
Eddie: Yeah. I don't know when was the last time I thought of you,
Donna: I'm a surprise is all.
Eddie: You want me to be kinder! Softer! I say... I say no! Be harder! Be a rock. Or polyurethane! I say, be a thing and live.
Eddie: [reading Phil's letter] The guy who dies in an accident understands the nature of destiny.
Eddie: I lie to myself. I'm a really great liar. And I'm very gullible.
Eddie: Flip is sarcastic.
Mickey: No, it's not. That's crazy. Sarcastic is mean, it's heavy - it's funny, sure, but it's mean. I do both, but this was flip.
Eddie: She doesn't have to have one now.
Phil: I tried telling her that, Eddie! I told her, I've got three kids in Toledo, I don't even know how old they are! I haven't seen 'em since I went to prison. I don't want any more kids rolling around their beds at night with this sick, fuckin' hatred of me. I can't stand it.
Eddie: Oh. I was wondering. You came in this morning at something like 6:02? So... I guess dinner was a success.
Mickey: Yeah, you know.
Eddie: Or does it mean - and I'm just tryin' to get the facts straight here - does it mean that you fucked her?
Mickey: Did I fuck... Darlene? (picks up phone) Last night?
Artie: He's got this thing.
Phil: It's a vibrator I carry around with me.
Mickey: You carry a vibrator around with you?
Phil: Yeah. As a form of come-on. So the girls can see I'm up for anything right away. Sometimes as a sort of, uh, mood-setter I turn it on. But, uh, today there was, uh, extenuating circumstances.
Artie: You forgot about the weights.
Artie: He forgot about the weights.
Mickey: You forgot about the weights?
Phil: Yeah. Forgot about the weights. Unbelievable.
Mickey: Unbelievable! You forgot about the weights?
Eddie: Do you know what he's talking about?
Mickey: No, I have no idea what he's talking about.
Phil: You prick, you disgust me.
Eddie: I'm a real person, you know? I'm not some... goddamn... TV image here! I'm a real person. You know? Now you know that, you know that! Now... come on... suck my dick!
Eddie: In the Middle Ages everyone really had to worry about witches and goblins, but what we have is stuff eating at us. We've got stuff we don't even... I mean, why do you think that all the warlords of the world are so anxious to get their own personal little stash of chemical weapons. They call them weapons of mass destruction, but they're not. They're very *very* selective about what they destroy. They annihilate people and preserve things. They love things. You and I would be dead, gas... puke... gone. Whereas, you know, other earlier older people - the ancients - could look to the heavens, which in their minds was inhabited by this thoughtful, meditative, you know, maybe a trifle unpredictable and wrathful, but nevertheless up there - this divine onlooker. We've got anchorpersons and talking heads. We've got politicians who decide life and death issues on the basis of their media concerns. That's what we've got.
Darlene: I don't care.
Eddie: What do you mean, you don't care?
Darlene: It doesn't matter to me anymore.
Eddie: No, it matters, and you care. What you mean is it doesn't make any difference!
Darlene: UGH! I cannot stand this semantic insanity ANYMORE! I can't be that specific about my feelings! I can't!
Eddie: I've gotta cool off. But not tonight. Not tonight! I've got a history lesson in progress, man, the lobes are humming! I'm picking up the trans-atlantic signals, man. And Phil... is sending me messages. He's got some complaints, man. About the afterlife.
Eddie: Just because you're talking, that doesn't mean destiny is speaking, Artie.
Eddie: Do you ever have that experience where your thoughts are like these totally separate, totally self-sustaining phone booths and there's like this vast uninhabited shopping mall in your head? Do you ever have that experience?
Eddie: I am my own biggest distraction.
Lira: [Lira and Eddie are singing in a performance of 'Otello'] You have a limp noodle!
Eddie: It was a war wound!
Allie: [Reluctantly agreeing to go home with Eddie] First the ground rules. If you say too many stupid things, I'll have to slug you. If you say anything nasty about Jake, I'll have to slug you. If you try to feel me up, I'll have to slug you. If you make me listen to any sexist, racist, or homophobic jokes, I'm gonna have to slug you. And finally, I might just have to slug you from time to time to simply because I find the prospect of driving across the country with you incredibly stressful!
Eddie: Alright. Sounds like a party to me.
Eddie: [as Allie emerges from her motel room] Whoa! You're not so cute in the morning. I'm kind of glad nothing happened.
[she slugs him for that remark]
Eddie: Ow! You just slugged me!
Allie: As per our agreement.
Allie: Well, look at that . The clock man is sexually harassing the clock lady. How typical.
Eddie: Uh, don't witness it. You might have to testify.
Allie: Wow, Eddie. That was actually clever.
Eddie: Hey jingle balls! Move your candycanes!
Allie: You know what I've always wondered?
Allie: Out of all the planets in the universe, how is it that this is the only one that's spawned intelligent life?
Eddie: Yeah. You know what I always wonder about?
Allie: What's that?
Eddie: How come more breakfast joints don't serve your food right in the skillet like Denny's? I mean, think about it. They give you your meat, your eggs, your spuds right in the pan. Man, that rocks! Or like when a homeless guy comes up to you and he says he's the Messiah. And then he asks you for money, and you just want to walk away, but then you think to yourself, 'what happens if he IS the Messiah, and I'm just blowing the dude off?' Think about it.
Allie: [unable to believe what she's hearing] I take back what I said about intelligent life on Earth.
Ray Tuckby: And how was your day?
Charlene: I found a half-off coupon of Bounty paper towels, with no expiration. Isn't that something?
Ray Tuckby: I guess it is, yeah. What about you son?
Eddie: I busted some windows on a couple of houses down the street. I wanna burn down that shitbox up the street that that dead guy croaked in.
Eddie: Eleven hundred bucks?
Ray Tuckby: For college.
Eddie: For college?
Eddie: What the hell's the matter with you, Ray? I got better things to do with this money and my time than to get some stupid education.
Eddie: Just relax and follow my lead.
Dixie: Yeah. Right off a cliff.
Dixie: Mind if I smoke?
Eddie: I don't care if you burn.
Dixie: What a prince.
Dixie: [Appearing on stage late] So sorry.
Dixie: A little trouble over the channel you know, old pip.
Dixie: Righto. We were halfway to Belgium when we ran out of... gas, I believe you call it.
Eddie: That's funny. You don't look like you'd ever run out of gas.
Dixie: Are you trying to get into my flak suit, honey?
Eddie: I'm just trying to debrief you. So a plane without any gas. What did you do?
Eddie: Yeah. Do. You know to keep up morale and all that.
Dixie: Well... well... my co-pilot... lovely young boy but terrified, half out of his wits. You know, nervous. Terrified. I said to him, "This one's going to take a long... hard... pull." So I did! For two hours!
Eddie: Two hours alone with you? That boy deserves a purple heart.
Dixie: Well, it was purple, alright, but I don't think it was his heart!
[Performing a skit for a television show]
Dixie: You know, that son of ours is really something.
Eddie: Why? What happened?
Dixie: While I'm tucking him in bed last night, he suddenly says to me, "Mommy, is kissing dirty?"
Eddie: Yeah? What'd you tell him?
Dixie: I said to him, "Darling, sex between two people can be a beautiful thing."
Eddie: Oh, yeah.
Dixie: "But between four people... fantastic!"
Dixie: You're gonna kill him you fill his head full of this crap!
Eddie: Such as what?
Dixie: Such as "Don't study," "Everything comes easy," "Life's a big party."
Eddie: Oh, well, sounds good to me.
Dixie: Oh yeah? You got three daughters. Why don't you give them the benefit of your wisdom?
Eddie: Because my wisdom is for a son. I got a closet full of baseball cards...
Dixie: Don't break my heart!
Eddie: Alright. How long's it now been - eight years Michael's dead?
Dixie: You shut up!
Eddie: No. You let me talk. Now enough is enough here. That boy needs a father. He needs a man in his life - somebody he can talk to, somebody who can teach him, somebody who can show him.
Dixie: What? How to screw the chorus girls?
Eddie: Yeah, why not if he wants to... yeah, why not! That's life! Hey, I wish somebody was there to teach me how to kiss 'em, how to talk to 'em - how to jack off!
Dixie: What did you say?
Eddie: That's right, lady! Who's gonna tell him it's alright - that his thing won't fall off - his mother? Why don't you put a dress on him and forget about it?
Dixie: I would, but then you'd probably make a pass at him!
Eddie: What? we're short... oh time. Two minutes time. Well, Dixie do you have any ideas of what we can do in two minutes?
Dixie: Not unless your part rabbit.
Eddie: You know...for an old broad, you're still pretty sexy.
Dixie: How would you know?
Eddie: Well, I think I'm getting excited.
Dixie: Let me know when you're sure.
Eddie: Hey, Dixie, they gave me a big suite upstairs.
Eddie: Oh yeah. And I got a big king-size bed.
Dixie: You wanna lie down, Eddie?
Eddie: Is that an offer?
Dixie: It's a recommendation.
Eddie: Look at this. I'm 91 years old. 50 years I've been waiting for this chance. Dixie, please let's go upstairs.
Dixie: What, to your room?
Dixie: And then we get undressed?
Dixie: And then we get into bed?
Dixie: And then what?
Danny Campbell: How far is it to France?
Eddie: We're in France, ya dipstick.
Eddie: It's Regent 4-8599
Tom Corbett: [Dials phone]
Eddie: [leaves apartment, rings Elizabeth's doorbell twice] You're phone's ringing.
Elizabeth Marten: What?
Eddie: Your telephone.
Elizabeth Marten: No it's not, Eddie.
Eddie: You better pick it up, it could be important, very important. Hurry.
Elizabeth Marten: Hello?
Eddie: Sam this man is in the mafia, he's not going to let us off the hook if we give him a fucking basket of sundry goods
SAm: Oh, but he's in the Jewish mafia, I'm sure that's more of like a club than a criminal organization
Eddie: Hey! What's going on back there? (pats Samuel's ass)
Samuel: It's nothing.
Eddie: I could feel it, back there. (beat)
Samuel: If you had to deal with, like, half the shit I've been through this past year, you would strap on one of these fuckers. Just like me, you'd strap it on.
Eddie: It's a long time to work without getting anything in return.
[Server sets down bottle of mustard on table]
Eddie: IT'S A LONG FUCKING TIME!
Samuel: [to server] He's not talking to you.
Eddie: (On the loudspeaker) Randall to the men's room, Randall to the men's room, customer waiting!
Samuel Curtis: Mind if I use your bathroom?
Eddie: Sure... It's a real toilet, so be careful.
Harold Ventimore: I *swear* to you there was a lunatic in this room.
Eddie: There still is.
Eddie: What should I do?
Paul: About what? Your parents or your virginity?
Brad: Why would we go there?
Eddie: Not a single student would be caught dead there.
Ash: Don't you mean caught... UNDEAD there?
Eddie: Would you ever go out with a guy like me?
Janet: My friends would eat me alive.
Jimmy: What kind of rabies is this?
Eddie: It's not rabies... they're zombies!
Eddie: It's time for this paladin to cast a 21st level spell of zombie whoop-ass!
Eddie: Let's go to Day of the Dead.
Jocelyn: I can't fly.
Eddie: Sure you can.
Jocelyn: They crash.
Eddie: We'll get a boat.
Jocelyn: [after opening a gift from Eddie] Why me? Why buy this? Why are you so interested in me?
Eddie: Don't you like it?
Jocelyn: It's-it's the best present anyone's ever bought me.
Eddie: What's wrong with that?
Jocelyn: I'm a weirdo. Look, if-if you like me, you must be a weirdo as well.
Eddie: Well, yeah.
Eddie: The thing is, I've got a crush on you. It's more than a crush. It's a stampede. Yeah, I got a stampede on you.
Eddie: Can we just start again?
Jocelyn: Like you... stealing my purse?
Eddie: That's the boss' nephew?
Tony: [in the background, upon seeing Fingers' desk] Nigga what? This fucking thing is huge!
Eddie: What's he like?
Tony: [background] Fuck me! This is just like fuck!
Joe Rolfe: Listen, Eddie. I gotta know who set me into this little deal.
Eddie: You're leading with your chin, Joe.
Eddie: What am I, a fucking retard, man? Am I A FUCKING RETARD, HUH? I know what this is! Lou's trying to snuff me out because of his GREASY LITTLE NEPHEW being around! WELL, VIVE LA FUCKING FRANCE, MAN!
Eddie: [growls] Someone's gonna kill me man!
Diane: Who would try to kill you, Eddie?
Eddie: The fucking hangers!
Eddie: [holding a knife to the throat of a man who just tried to kill him] OK baby girl! Who sent ya? Who sent ya?
Hitman: Sam... fucking... Peckinpah!
Eddie: [to Joe Donan] Tell you what, if it's a high card, I'll tell you who I am. But if it's a low card, I'll tell you who you are. Is that a deal?
Eddie: [hugging Diane very awkwardly in a car] Mom-ay, Mom-ay, we be home soon, Mom-ay, we be home soon.
Eddie: You filthy, double crossing, little fucking filthy, double crossing, filthy, fucking goddamn fucking filthy little RAT!
Joe Donan: [voiceover] Looked like I had to pay my dues by wilding with Uncle Lou's flunky.
Eddie: [trying to start the car] Fucker fucker fucked!
Joe Donan: [voiceover] Well, at least he was a lively fellow.
Jan Ashe: Tell me, Eddie. Has he been drinking?
Eddie: Well... uh...
Jan Ashe: A lot?
Eddie: Well, it wouldn't be a lot for a camel or one of them things.
Eddie: [to Jan] It's leopard sweat! You can't trust it!
Eddie: [Near the eel tank] One thing about eels... give 'em air.
Fanny: Tonight I'm gonna take you on a sleigh ride with some snow birds.
Eddie: Sleigh ride? Snow birds? In summer?
Fanny: Gee, you ARE dumb!
Eddie: [after being told by Gurney to come back with a typewriter] Hey, boss, where am I gonna pick up a typewriter at this time of the night? The stores are all closed!
Joe Gurney: Well, open one!
Eddie: Wait, wait, wait, wait. Seminary school, really? Wait, is this your way of telling me you're gay?
[Michael looks angrily at Eddie]
Eddie: I'm just joking. Okay? Joke.
Michael Kovak: You don't get it. In my family, you're either a mortician or a priest. That's it.
Eddie: Well, then change your name!
Michael Kovak: Dude, I've looked into it. It's a four-year degree before you even take your first vows. If it doesn't work out, I can always leave.
Eddie: Wow. Such faith.
Nina: [Gives Michael and Eddie two beers] These are on the house.
Michael Kovak: You gonna get heat for giving away beers?
Nina: Not if they don't know.
Eddie: How about for banging the customers?
Nina: Screw you, Eddie.
Nina: Drink up. I'm off in ten. Lickety-split.
Eddie: Lickety-split? Pbb. You better make the most of that, before they chop your wiener off.
[They cheer and clank bottles]
Eddie: Goodbye wiener.
Eddie: Man, punk moves like that won't get you no play around here, trust me I've tried it.
Big Girl: [after being told to take Kurd's hand] Hold up. How the hell do I know where his hand's have been?
Kurd: Here I'll show you!
Kurd: [put's his hands down the front of his pants] Now you know!
Pierre Dulaine: That's not right! That is NOT right!
Eddie: Now that's "ball" room.
Eddie: [seeing Pierre for the first time in a suit] Yo son, who died?
Pierre Dulaine: Apparently, good manners.
Eddie: Yo son, who died?
Pierre Dulaine: Apparently your manners...
Eddie: Check Mr Dulaine! He's just gettin' his flirt on.
Eddie: Can't nobody sang like Eddie King Jr!
Eddie: Can you type 170 words a minute? Can you sew? Can you dance? What can you do?
Maureen Murphy Quinn: [about to leave her family to go off with Eddie] I'll get my coat.
Joey: Bullshit! Looks like a lot of fuckin' bullshit!
Eddie: Hey, don't blame her! What difference does it make what she says, what she feels, what she thinks? For whatever reason, she belongs to me.
Joey: Yeah, you two pricks belong together.
Shorty: What, I'm a prick?
Joey: Not you. Her.
Shorty: What? Are you callin' your wife a prick?
Joey: All right. You two get out of my fuckin' house.
Eddie: We were made for each other. We're both banged up.
Eddie: Do you have hair on your nails?
Eddie: She doesn't love you! She doesn't love me! She's de lovely.
Maureen Murphy Quinn: I wanna take beer bottles and smash 'em over people's heads.
Maureen Murphy Quinn: I just wanna - I wanna smash 'em.
Maureen Murphy Quinn: 'Cause I love you.
Eddie: What the hell're you talking about?
Maureen Murphy Quinn: Make some coffee, Eddie.
Eddie: I love my wife. She likes to break beer bottles over people's heads. That's what she loves.
Vienna: [Looking down at the deserted gambling area of her saloon] Spin the wheel, Eddie.
Eddie: [Perplexed] What for? There's no customers.
Vienna: I like to hear it spin.
[Eddie drops his paper and gives the roulette wheel a good spin]
Vienna: Eddie, that's last month's paper. How many times do you have to read it?
Eddie: I like to know what's happening in the world, outside.
Vienna: There'll be plenty happening here soon. Just worry about that.
Dave: [Pointing to man on phone] That's his boss, he's been trying for an hour to get his expense account boosted.
Eddie: The way this guy holds onto a dollar you'd think they weren't printing them any more.
Frank Bigelow: Who's the blonde?
Eddie: Oh she's one of the chicks that hang around here, she's jive crazy.
Frank Bigelow: What's the matter with him?
Eddie: Ah he's flipped, the music's driving him crazy.
Eddie: I always thought it was great the way your family returned the Christmas tree to the ground.
Hind Husseini: We always did. After all, what was the use in celebrating Christmas if we let it die?
Eddie: You never married...
Hind Husseini: No. But I have two thousand daughters.
Tina: Eddie, we can't. Matt will kill us.
Eddie: Fuck him!
Tina: Fuck you.
Eddie: Exactly. Fuck me.
Eddie: [reading Michael's birthday card] Happy Birthday, Michael, you lucky son-of-a-bitch. Many happy returns. Love, Melissa.
Melissa: Eddie... Eddie! This isn't going to work out.
Eddie: What's the matter?
Melissa: I lied.
Eddie: Lied about what?
Melissa: About everything. You just don't turn me on, really. But c'mon, at least I gave you a chance. You just didn't come through. Anyway, I was kind of hoping Nick would come back and find you with me.
Eddie: Why'd you lie?
Melissa: You know, make him jealous.
Eddie: Rejection. Okay, fine. I can take it. I've been rejected by some of the finest science fiction magazines in the continental United States!
Melissa: Eddie, where are you going?
Eddie: To take a cold shower. I got a date with a soap on a rope.
Eddie: [opening Michael's presents and reading the box] "Personal Penis Enlarger."
[pulls out a magnifying glass]
Eddie: [to Price, holding up bloody rag] Look at this! Huh? What is this?
Pritchett: [turns around] That? What just happened to you there... that's nothing. You've just been playing around with a ghost. Wait 'til somebody lets out the Darkness in this place. That's a whole... that's a whole new bunch of crazy shit. That's... you'll hate that shit.
[Price surprises Eddie, Sara, and Pritchett. Eddie almost shoots Price with his gun]
Eddie: That's a good way to get your head blown off, man!
Stephen Price: I'll recommend it to Evelyn.
Eddie: [Eddie and Sara are atop a tall tower] That was one kickass party!
Sara: Okay, but one more thing: how do we get down from here?
Eddie: Oh, so then we'll just stay here 'til morning.
Pritchett: Oh, great. I'm sure we'll all be mutilated beyond recognition by then.
Eddie: Me and you all three. Woohoo, let's boogie!
Eddie: What good is a million dollars when you're dead?
Sara: I'm trying to figure out who or what Melissa was taping when she disappeared.
Eddie: Right. Then where will we be?
Pritchett: Out of Scotch thanks to you, ass!
Eddie: I had nothing to do with this! I was adopted!
Eddie: That was the most fun I've had all day.
Sara: You need to get out more.
[Pritchett appears behind Sara and Eddie after they find a dead body]
Eddie: Holy shit!
Pritchett: Booga booga.
Eddie: I've never in my life met an executive who could tie their shoes, much less rewire an entire building.
Sara: There's always exceptions.
Eddie: No. Come on, what's the truth?
Sara: The truth is if we keep taking rights, we're going to have to end up where we started.
Ned "Scotty" Scott: All right, fellas, here's your story: North Pole, November Third, Ned Scott reporting. One of the world's greatest battles was fought and won today by the human race. Here at the top of the world a handful of American soldiers and civilians met the first invasion from another planet. A man by the name of Noah once saved our world with an ark of wood. Here at the North Pole, a few men performed a similar service with an arc of electricity. The flying saucer which landed here and its pilot have been destroyed, but not without causalities among our own meager forces. I would like to bring to the microphone some of the men responsible for our success... but as Senior Air force officer Captain Hendry is attending to demands over and above the call of duty... Doctor Carrington, the leader of the scientific expedition, is recovering from wounds received in the battle.
Eddie: [Softly] Good for you, Scotty.
Ned "Scotty" Scott: And now before giving you the details of the battle, I bring you a warning: Everyone of you listening to my voice, tell the world, tell this to everybody wherever they are. Watch the skies. Everywhere. Keep looking. Keep watching the skies.
Lt. Ken McPherson: What if he can read our minds?
Eddie: He'll be real mad when he gets to me.
Dr. Arthur Carrington: You're doing more than breaking army orders. You're robbing science of the greatest secrets that ever come to it.
Hendry: You'd better go back, Doctor.
Dr. Arthur Carrington: Knowledge is more important than life, Captain. We've only one excuse for existing - to think, to find out, to learn.
Ned "Scotty" Scott: What can we learn from that thing except a quicker way to die?
Dr. Arthur Carrington: It doesn't matter what happens to us. Nothing counts except for our thinking. We thought our way into nature. We split the atom.
Eddie: Yes, and that sure made the world happy, didn't it?
Eddie: [heard over P.A] Come on, Mr. Martian and get some nice Scotch blood. One hundred proof. Nothing like it... for babies!
Camper #2: Can I go with you?
Eddie: [Annoyed] What are you, my shadow?
Eddie: [to Simone] I'M NOT DYING FOR YOU, BITCH!
Eddie: [as Jigsaw explains the game on the tape] This is *your* fault!
Eddie: Professor, this is the reply from your message to Washington.
Prof. Clark: [paraphrasing the written message] Request we remove growth. Make thorough laboratory analysis. Have Arnold and Mason determine influence of radiation if any. Radio detailed report. Mail photos as soon as possible. Faulkner.
Dr. Terry Mason: Well, that's that.
Prof. Clark: Better get busy. Thank you, Eddie.
Dr. Terry Mason: Well, the first thing to do is go out and dig up the monster and bring it back to the lab.
Prof. Clark: That won't be easy. The roots probably go quite deep.
Dr. Terry Mason: Yeah, we'll probably have to sever each root at soil level and heal it up with stitches.
Prof. Clark: I imagine the natives are in an uproar. Like Norgu, they probably feel the monster's another Tabanga.
Dr. Arnold: If moving that monster violates another tribal law, we'll be in for it. You know we're greatly outnumbered here. They could easily overpower us. And don't forget what Norgu said about it being taboo for strangers to go near the... Tabanga.
Dr. Terry Mason: Well, I say let's get started.
Dr. Arnold: And I say let's throw it in the quicksand and forget about it. Well, they blame us for everything as it is. This could be the final straw.
Prof. Clark: Where's your scientific curiosity, doctor? Anyway, Washington wants us to investigate. So, let's take a risk and see what happens.
Dr. Terry Mason: Professor. Bill is worried about me. Now look, Bill. I can handle a gun if the occasion arises. Remember, we're both working for the foundation.
Dr. Arnold: Well, I see I'm outvoted. Alright, if you people feel like chopping wood, I don't mind a little exercise. Let's get chopping.
Eddie: Next time... keep your queer hands off of me, okay?
Eddie: Two guys got murdered in their car last night.
Chaz: Holy shit! Were they boning each other?
Eddie: Yes, Chaz, they were boning each other.
Chaz: Ha ha! At least they died doing it, right?
Eddie: Green colored condoms? I wanna know who sucks a green dick!
Eddie: Hey. I saw you today. At the tattoo shop? We talked about the murders? Do you remember?
Jake: Yeah, I do. I do remember. Eddie, what do you want?
Eddie: Like to know your name.
Jake: I bet you would, all right. Look, do I have a stalker? Cause I know you're definitely not a real cop.
Eddie: You know, it's Halloween. My handcuffs are real.
Jake: [unimpressed] Right on. Unfortunately you have no gun.
Eddie: No, I left it at home.
Jake: So you do shoot, then.
Eddie: Yeah, I do. A little. I used to shoot because I wanted to be a cop. But I didn't pass the physical. I hurt my eye.
Jake: Your eye looks fine.
Eddie: Well, it's not. Half my field of vision is gone. My depth perception is shot. Can't even drive.
Jake: You don't hit on guys much, do you?
Jake: [holds his hand out to shake after a slight uncomfortable pause] Look, I'm Jake.
Eddie: [shaking hands] What changed your mind?
Eddie: I wanted to see you shoot.
Eddie: Well excuse me boss, I must've come up here with the wrong impression, I thought we were here to have fun!
Ned Riley: Where'd you get that? Its a nice looking outfit.
Eddie: I got it second hand down at Konowski's. Do you like it?
Ned Riley: Oh, sure. Sure, that's fine. That's the right idea too, Eddie. Up your front. That's the important thing in business, everything. Up your front.
Eddie: No, don't yell hey at that horse!
Eddie: Well, well, hark ye, friends, roommates, countrymen, lend me your cheers.
[Crowd of frat boys yell "Yeah!"]
Eddie: Oh, such rapturous greetings warms the chilled heart of your noble King!
[Crowd yells "Long Live the King!"]
Student: I'll take the Queen!
Eddie: I thought you would. Now, hark ye, while I give to you the privileges of the season, there shall be no amusement tax on necking!
Eddie: Oh boy, any good neckin' in sight for this year?
Biff: And why should this year be different?
Eddie: Guy, it's the same ole room. Just as clean as a garage sink.
Biff: Yes, but it's home sweet home to us.
Eddie: You betcha!
Biff: Whoa, boy, where'd you get the swell rag?
Eddie: Do you like it?
Biff: Gee, that's a wow!
Eddie: I thought it would look swell with those big banjo eyes.
Biff: Why, you couldn't take a femme from me, blonde, brunette, red, gray, or bald.
Eddie: I not only take 'em from you, but, I find you every honey you get. Why, if it weren't for me you'd be playing the old ladies home and not doing so well either.
Eddie: What women want, that's me.
[Picks up the phone]
Biff: Yeah, ask her if her daughter's got a date for the night.
Eddie: [Noticing Babs sorority pin] Oh, the Pi Phi house. Well, I'll be around tonight about eight.
Babs: Am I supposed to burst our cheering?
Eddie: Not till after the first treatment.
Babs: [Sarcastically] Oh, I can hardly wait.
Eddie: Don't be impatient! Goodbye.
Biff: Say, don't wisecrack.
Eddie: Oh, you're gonna get high-hat with me over a girl, huh?
Biff: Yes I am.
Eddie: Think you've landed a little exclusive necking.
Biff: She isn't that kind of a girl.
Eddie: Oh, don't make me laugh. Wait'll I put the works on her.
Babs: [Doorbell rings] Oh, pardon me, I think that's for me.
Eddie: Oh, are you expecting somebody else?
Babs: Well, em, I am, rather.
Eddie: Fine, you bring him in and I'll throw him out.
Eddie: Now that we're all here, I've got a great idea. Let's play Post Office.
Babs: Oh, that's a kid's game.
Eddie: Not the way I play it!
Eddie: You know, Babs, every time I look at Biff I can figure out why girls walk home.
Biff: And you're the reason they run home!
Biff: Who let you back in this country?
Eddie: Aw, don't get hard boiled, Biffy. Remember, you're only a three-minute egg.
Biff: Yeah, you and small pox are my favorite diseases.
Eddie: Waste not the hours with yonder young horse pistol.
Biff: Don't while the night with nothingness with that numb-scullion.
Eddie: Oh, I beseech thee, young lady, put your okay on me.
Babs: I know, we'll settle this as if the fearless knights of old.
Biff: What do you mean?
Babs: Battle to the death and the victor shall be my escort to the hop.
Eddie: Well, alright, you think you're the white-haired boy, now, don't cha? But, you wait. I'm like the undertaker, I get 'em in the end!
Eddie: I'll be with you in half a shake, Babs.
Biff: You and I've been through a thousand female campaigns together.
Eddie: Yeah, boy!
Biff: We've shared our girls like we've shared our neckties.
Eddie: Well, I didn't know you felt that way about her, kid. That's different. Well, if that's the way it is, this is station M E signing off.
Babs: Eddie what's the matter with you lately? Are you afraid of me?
Eddie: Yeah, I'm afraid you'll bite me.
Babs: Ha-ha. You know I'm a vegetarian.
Eddie: Good night, honey baby.
Eddie: Babs, I, I want you to wear my fraternity pin at the game tomorrow. Will you?
Eddie: I got it bad over you.
Eddie: Babs, one little kiss, to remember me in the morning?
Babs: No, somebody might see us.
Eddie: Oh, just a little quickie!
Eddie: Trouble leads to trouble which leads to trouble...
Eddie: Do you know what prison taught me?
Linda: Kevin's missing. Been gone two weeks.
Eddie: Where is he?
Linda: [annoyed] He's *missing.*
Eddie: Did he leave any money?
Eddie: That come out wrong, sorry.
Jackie: [suspiciously, when she catches Eddie snooping around the development] You been out of the country or somethin'?
Jackie: Where've you been?
Eddie: [pause] Mexico.
Jackie: What's your name?
Jackie: I'm Jackie. So... Mexico. What's that like?
Eddie: All right.
Jackie: Do you cut your own hair?
Jackie: I'm a hairstylist, so naturally I'd notice. Looks like a dog's arse.
[cut to her apartment, where she gives him a haircut]
Eddie: Do you have a history of labor union business, M-McGann, is it?
Jack McGurn: Yeah. McGann. No, no I don't. I work at the cannery. I'm a fish masher.
Eddie: You people caused quite a stir.
Jack McGurn: It was a legal demonstration, sir. Perfectly within the Constitution.
Eddie: Well, all that striking stuff is over now, mister. When Japs step on the beach, you think they'll take any notice of your banners? They'll stick a bayonet in your belly, grievance or no grievance. This is America, pal, so remember you're an American. We're at war now.
Jack McGurn: What are you talking about?
Eddie: Ain't you heard? The Japs just bombed Pearl Harbor.
Eddie: You think you're a smart dame, don't ya?
Ruby: Well, I'm out here, and you're in there.
[referring to jail]
Eddie: You know all the answers, don't ya?
Ruby: Sure, to dumb questions.
Eddie: Here, I'll show you the bedroom.
Ruby: You can send me a picture of it.
Eddie: Say, this is a man's bathrobe.
Ruby: You don't say. Ain't you the bright little thing!
Eddie: You were satisfied with the split the last time.
Ruby: It was coming to me. You had a bath and I did your laundry.
Eddie: That crack calls for a drink!
Ruby: What is it? Scotland or Brooklyn?
Eddie: A little of both.
Ruby: I'll take a chance.
[Takes a drink]
Ruby: I think I will take off this coat.
Eddie: You're not sore on account of that dame, are you? She don't mean a thing to me.
Ruby: The both of you both don't mean anything to me.
Eddie: Get your hat and coat on.
Ruby: Where we going?
Eddie: To Burl Hall, for a marriage license. Any objections?
Ruby: [smiling] No.
Eddie: Say, why'd you do all this for me?
Ruby: I don't know. I guess I'm a little bit crazy.
Eddie: Now listen, sweet pea, how 'bout you and me gettin' together tonight, huh?
Ruby: Well, I like your nerve!
Eddie: That ain't all you're gonna like. Wait till you see how I grow on ya.
Ruby: Yeah, I can imagine, just like a carbuncle.
Eddie: Don't be so hard to get!
Eddie: Say, wait a minute. You know it seems silly to play this for a two dollar and a quarter check. Let's make it for the check and ten dollars.
Al: You're on. But, I warn ya, I'm always lucky.
Ruby: I have a feeling that you won't be this time.
Ruby: What do you get off, clippin' my friend like that for ten dollars?
Eddie: Hey, now wait a minute. No squawks. Here's your half.
Ruby: You've turned into a regular Santi Claus, ain't ya?
Eddie: What's a matter?
Ruby: I don't have to go around cuttin' up my friend's dough with you. Anything he's got, belongs to me.
Eddie: Oh, yeah. Well, in that case you won't need this five.
Ruby: [Grabs it out of his hand] I'll keep it.
[Stuffs it in her cleavage]
Ruby: In case of another bank holiday.
Gypsy: I won't go unless he tells me to!
Eddie: Gypsies are always supposed to - keep moving.
Policeman: [Watching Ruby walk away] Not bad.
Eddie: Yes sir, that baby's got rhythm.
Ruby: That guy's been bothering me for over month, wanting to come up here. I told him I lived with my brother to try to stop him. But, he just won't stay put.
Eddie: Must be your personality, sweet meat.
Slim: Have you gone nuts? He'd a had his checkbook out in another minute. Why did you do that?
Eddie: I didn't like his looks!
Slim: What's his looks got to do with his dough!
Ruby: Edward Huntington Hall. Gee, you got a swell middle name.
Eddie: It's my old lady's.
Eddie: Will you do something for me? Let me see you smile.
Brandon: Are you sure you're going to be okay, Mr. Robinson?
Wade: Yeah, I'm okay. Sorry guys, I didn't think I had that much to drink.
Eddie: It's not a real bachelor party unless someone blows chunks.
Chance: For me, the life of the mind has always come first. I can't be happy if it doesn't. But, I will never love anybody as much as I love you. I don't want a life with anyone but you. And I will give you all the love I have to give another human being.
Eddie: Can we make a vow? To make what we have between us an adventure. To say yes to everything remarkable and amazing.
Chance: To be always rebuilding the temple.
Eddie: To be always rebuilding the temple.
Chance: T.S. Eliot.
Chance: I slept with Brandon.
Eddie: I know.
Chance: I missed you.
Eddie: As well you should have. And by the way, the answer is yes.
Chance: What's the question?
Eddie: Do I forgive you?
Eddie: This Director's Cut Collector's Edition is Digitally re-edited, re-mastered featuring new, state of the art special effects.
Eddie: He don't look so tough to me.
Bit Part: Well if he ain't so tough, there's been an awful lot of sudden natural deaths in his vicinity.
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