Ed Quotes in Domino (2005)

Ed: [about Domino] You and I walk down the street, what do people see? A couple of losers, right? We add her to the equation you know what people are gonna think?

Choco: What?

Ed: There goes two of the coolest motherfuckers who ever lived. Hmm?

Choco: You know what? I don't know about you, man, but I'm already a cool motherfucker, you know?

Ed: Excuse the fuck out of us!

Domino Harvey: What's his problem?

Ed: Latin petulance. Hold on. Give me a minute with him.

Claremont Williams: It's very simple. The, DMV is the de facto conduit for all humanity, and every human being that we track down has a record in the DMV database. Whether it be LAPD, Social Services, the Credit Bureau, or the FBI, they all use the DMV's database as their hub. So, we have people on the inside who feed us the information.

Ed: And who would know it? The gatekeepers of humanity turn out to be a bunch of sassy black women.

[from trailer]

Ed: [Domino, Ed and Choco are about to make a bust] Okay, Domino, you're with me on the side.

[cocks shotgun]

Ed: Choco, you cover the rear.

Brian Austin Green: What background should someone have if they want to go into bounty hunting?

Ed: How does jail sound?

Ed: [Watching the Manchurian Candidate] Heh. I knew Frank.

Edna Fender: Who didn't?

Ed: Hey, Edna you know what, sweetheart? You got, like, seven minutes to open that goddamn freezer or I'm gonna flush that fucking arm down the toilet.

Edna Fender: Fucker!

[from trailer]

[upon first meeting Domino]

Ed: Why would a delicate little thing like you wanna be a bounty hunter?

Domino Harvey: I wanna have a little fun.

[Domino and a wounded Ed and Choco are trapped in an elevator plummeting to an almost certain death]

Choco: I love you.

Domino Harvey: [narrates] I once swore never to invest too much emotion in anyone.

Domino Harvey: I love you.

[they kiss]

Domino Harvey: [narrates, tearful] I love you, Choco.

Ed: [shouts] It's a great day to die!

Ed: Love is a battlefield, baby.

Ed: Teeter Totter Teeter Totter!

Ed: Food, glorious food!

Ed: Germ girl! Faye-Faye stay 'way-'way!

[Max and Lola are eating at a restaurant with an American couple]

Ed: Sheila and I like to swap.

Lola Cirillo: Swap?

Ed: We like to have sex with other couples.

Max Burdett: Check please!

Ed: So, uh, what kind of business are you in, Max?

Max Burdett: I have a bunch of sweatshops in the Philippines.

Ed: Oh.

Sheila: Oh.

Max Burdett: You should see those kids make those hats.

Ed: I'm going to go home, mix some paint, and try to create something original.

Nick Starkey: Ed, I think it'd be best if you don't come in the apartment.

Ed: You got it. I'm an artist. I'll watch the woman.

Ed: [in reference to Susan Sarandon's character Christine Starkey] The world is either great or wretched, isn't it? So many people are just... finished.

Bernadette Flynn: Y'think, huh?

[Ed's only line]

Ed: Fuck it! I'm... I'm gay!

Lewis: Your name Griner?

First Griner: What you wanna know for?

Lewis: Can you and your brother drive two cars down to Aintry for us?

First Griner: Drive 'em down there for what?

Lewis: Me and my buddy here are taking a canoe trip down the Cahulawassee. We'd like our cars to be down in Aintry when we get there. Be there about Sunday noon.

First Griner: [sarcastically] Canoe trip?

Lewis: That's right, a canoe trip.

First Griner: What the hell you wanna go fuck around with that river for?

Lewis: Because it's there.

First Griner: It's there all right. You get in there and can't get out, you gonna wish it wasn't.

Ed: [to Lewis, whispering] Look, Lewis, let's go back to town and, ah... play golf.

Lewis: [ignoring Ed] I'll give you thirty dollars to take those cars down to Aintry.

First Griner: I'll take fifty.

Lewis: Fifty, my ass.

Ed: Lewis, don't play games with these people!

First Griner: Whud you say?

Lewis: I said "fifty, my ass."

Ed: [whispering urgently] Lewis!

First Griner: I'll do it for forty.

Lewis: Mm-hmm...

[to Ed]

Lewis: You good for ten?

Ed: Sure.

Lewis: Why do you go on these trips with me, Ed?

Ed: [somewhat defensively] I like my life, Lewis.

Lewis: Yeah, but why do you go on these trips with me?

Ed: You know, sometimes I wonder about that.

Ed: [Lewis accurately shoots a fish in the river with an arrow; Ed raises his beer can in salute] Here's to you, Lewis.

[preparing to bury Drew in the river]

Ed: Drew was a... a good husband to his wife Linda, and... you were a wonderful father to your boys, Drew... Jimmy and Billy Ray. And if we come through this, I promise to do all I can for 'em.

[pause]

Ed: He was the best of us.

Ed: Look, what is it that you require of us?

Mountain Man: What we, uh, "re-quire" is that you get your god-damn asses up in them woods.

Ed: Night has fallen. And there's nothin' we can do about it.

[Ed just killed a man believed to be the second rapist]

Bobby: That's him? I mean... he wasn't just some guy out hunting, was it?

Ed: [shouts] You tell me!

Ed: No matter what disasters may occur in other parts of the world... or whatever petty little problems arise in Atlanta... no one can find us up here. Good night, Lewis.

Bobby: I had my first wet dream in a sleepin' bag.

Ed: How was it?

Bobby: Great.

[pause]

Bobby: There's no repeatin' it.

Lewis: Can that chubby boy handle himself?

Ed: Bobby? He's rather well thought of in his field, Lewis.

Lewis: Insurance? Shit. I never been insured in my life. I don't believe in insurance. There's no risk.

Lewis: This is the one! There she is.

[Lewis pushes aside tree branches and we see the river for the first time]

Ed: Looks good. Looks good.

Lewis: [mournfully] Couple more months, and she'll all be gone.

Bobby: [offscreen] Ed! Lewis!

Ed: Even up as far as here?

Lewis: From Aintry on up. One big, dead lake.

Lewis: [to Bobby, angrily] OVER HERE!

[last lines]

Ed: [waking from a nightmare] No!

Martha: Ed? What's the matter?... It's all right... it's all right... shhh... go to sleep... go to sleep...

Ed: President's calling, Buckaroo.

Buckaroo Banzai: The president of what?

Ed: The President of The United States.

Buckaroo Banzai: Oh.

[looking through Shaun's LPs for suitable records to throw at two approaching zombies]

Ed: 'Purple Rain'?

Shaun: No.

Ed: 'Sign o' the Times'?

Shaun: Definitely not.

Ed: The 'Batman' soundtrack?

Shaun: Throw it.

Ed: 'Dire Straits'?

Shaun: Throw it.

Ed: Ooh, 'Stone Roses'.

Shaun: Um, No.

Ed: 'Second Coming'.

Shaun: I like it!

Ed: Ahhh! 'Sade'.

Shaun: Yeah, but that's Liz's!

Ed: Yeah, but she did dump you.

Shaun: Oh!

Ed: What's the plan then?

Shaun: Right.

[cuts to dream sequence]

Shaun: We take Pete's car, we drive over to Mum's, we go in, take care of Philip - "I'm so sorry, Philip" - then we grab Mum, we go over to Liz's place, hole up, have a cup of tea and wait for this whole thing to blow over.

Ed: Why have we got to go to Liz's?

Shaun: Because we do.

Ed: But she dumped you!

Shaun: I have to know if she's all right!

Ed: Why?

Shaun: Because I love her!

Ed: All right... gayyy... I'm not staying there, though.

Shaun: Why not?

Ed: If we hole up, I wanna be somewhere familiar, I wanna know where the exits are, and I wanna be allowed to smoke.

Shaun: Okay.

[cuts to dream sequence again]

Shaun: We take Pete's car, go round Mum's, go in, deal with Philip - "Sorry, Philip!" - grab Mum, go to Liz's, pick her up, bring her back here, have a cup of tea and wait for this whole thing to blow over.

Ed: Perfect!

Shaun: No, no, no, no, no, wait, we can't bring her back here.

Ed: Why not?

Shaun: Well, it's not really safe, is it?

Ed: Yeah, look at the state of it.

Shaun: Where's safe? Where's familiar?

Ed: Where can I smoke?

[Shaun and Ed pause then slowly make a realisation]

Shaun: [cuts to dream sequence a third time] Take car. Go to Mum's. Kill Phil - "Sorry." - grab Liz, go to the Winchester, have a nice cold pint, and wait for all of this to blow over. How's that for a slice of fried gold?

Ed: Yeah, boyyyeee!

[Shaun and Ed clang their weapons together]

Shaun: [about Ed] He's not my boyfriend!

Ed: [handing beer to Shaun] It might be a bit warm, the cooler's off.

Shaun: Thanks, babe.

[winks]

Ed: Any zombies out there?

Shaun: Don't say that!

Ed: What?

Shaun: That!

Ed: What?

Shaun: The zed-word. Don't say it!

Ed: Why not?

Shaun: Because it's ridiculous!

Ed: All right... are there any out there, though?

[looking out of the letter-box, he sees an empty street]

Shaun: I can't see any. Maybe it's not as bad as all that.

[he turns his head and sees a pack of zombies]

Shaun: Oh, no, there they are.

Ed: What's up, niggas?

Pete: It's four in the fucking morning!

Shaun: It's Saturday!

Pete: No, it's not. It's fucking Sunday. And I've got to go to fucking work in four fucking hours 'cos every other fucker in my fucking department is fucking ill! Now can you see why I'm SO FUCKING ANGRY?

Ed: Fuck, yeah!

Liz: Shaun?

Shaun: Yeah?

Liz: You see what I'm saying?

Shaun: Yep, totally.

Liz: I know he's your best friend, but you do live with him.

Shaun: I know.

Liz: It's not that I don't like Ed.

[Liz looks over at Ed who is playing an arcade game]

Liz: Ed, it's not that I don't like you.

Ed: It's all right.

Liz: It would just be nice if we could...

Ed: [talking to the arcade machine] Fuck!

Liz: ...spend a bit more time together...

Ed: [talking to the arcade machine] Bollocks!

Liz: ...just the two of us.

Ed: [talking to the arcade machine] Cock it!

Liz: It's just with Ed here, it's no wonder I always bring my flat-mates out and then that only exacerbates things.

Shaun: What do you mean?

Liz: Well you guys hardly get on, do you?

Shaun: No, what does "exacerbate" mean?

Liz: It means um, to make things worse.

Shaun: Right. Well I mean, it's not that I don't like David and Di.

[Shaun looks over at David and Di at the table next to them]

Shaun: Guys, it's not that I don't like you.

David, Dianne: [together] It's all right.

Shaun: And it's not that I don't want to spend time with you cause I do. It's just... Ed doesn't have too many friends.

Ed: Can I get... any of you cunts... a drink?

Ed: We're coming to get you, Barbara!

Ed: [sees a zombified Pete] Hey, Shaun, look who it is!

Shaun: Fuck-a-doodle-do!

Ed: What happened to your hand, man?

Pete: I got mugged on the way home.

Ed: By who?

Pete: I dunno by some crackheads or something, one of them bit me.

Ed: Why'd they bite you?

Pete: I don't know, I didn't stop to ask them! Now, I have a splitting headache, and your stupid hip hop isn't helping. And the front door is open... AGAIN!

Ed: It's not hip hop, it's Electro. Prick... Next time I see him, he's dead.

Shaun: Do you want anything from the shop?

Ed: Cornetto.

Ed: Do you want your messages?

Shaun: What?

Ed: Well, your mum rang about you going around tomorrow night, and then Liz rang about the two of you eating out tonight, and then your mum rang back to see if I wanted to eat her out tonight.

Shaun: *What*?

David: I'm not staying here.

Liz: David, don't, that's suicide.

Ed: I think you should go.

Ed: Who died and made you fucking king of the zombies?

[Shaun has just fought a zombie unassisted]

Shaun: [sarcastically] Feel free to step in any time!

Ed: You did all right.

David: I didn't want to cramp your style.

[Shaun and Ed back up to the body of a man they've just hit and Shaun rolls down his window]

Shaun: Are you all right?

Ed: Come on, let's just go.

Shaun: Hello?

Ed: He's going to be dead either way.

Shaun: Ed, that's not the point!

[the body rises and moans, zombified, at Shaun and Ed]

Shaun: Oh, thank God for that.

Liz: Goodbye, Ed. Love you.

Ed: Cheers!

Shaun: I love you too, man.

Ed: Gaaayy!

Barbara: [over the phone] Some men tried to get into the house.

Shaun: Well are they still there?

Barbara: [over the phone] I'm not sure, we've shut the curtains.

Shaun: Did you try the police?

Barbara: [over the phone] Well I thought about it.

Shaun: Are you OK? Did they hurt you?

Barbara: [over the phone] No I'm fine. I'm fine.

Shaun: Mum...

Barbara: [over the phone] Well they were a bit... bitey.

Shaun: [concerned] Mum, have you been bitten?

Barbara: [over the phone] No... But Philip has.

Shaun: [calmly] Oh, OK.

Ed: Has she been bitten?

Shaun: [to Ed] No, Philip has.

Ed: [calmly] Oh, OK.

Shaun: Listen, Mum, what sort of state is he in?

Barbara: [over the phone] Oh, he's fine. Bit under the weather.

Shaun: I see.

Ed: What's the deal?

Shaun: [to Ed] We may have to kill my step-dad.

[Shaun hits the zombie pub owner with the butt of the rifle]

Ed: Why didn't you just shoot him, man?

Shaun: Ed, for the last time...

[Shaun squeezes the trigger of the gun, and it actually fires!]

Ed: [gleefully] I fucking knew it!

Ed: Don't forget to kill Philip!

Shaun: Pete? Pete?

Ed: Why don't we just go up?

Shaun: No. No. Wait. No. No! Don't go up there!

Ed: Why not?

Shaun: Because A, he might be one of them, and B, he might still be annoyed. Pete? Maybe he went into work.

Ed: Well, how come he didn't drive? His keys are still here.

Shaun: Well, maybe he got a lift; he said he wasn't feeling very well. Pete?

Ed: OI, PRICK!

[There is a pause]

Shaun, Ed: [together] He's not in.

Shaun: Well maybe one should do the other, and then do themselves.

Liz: Oh maybe you should do me, I'll only muck it up if I have to do myself.

[Shaun mimes shooting Liz and then himself, to see how it feels]

Shaun: You know, I don't think I've got it in me to shoot my flatmate, my mum, and my girlfriend all in the same night.

Liz: [pauses] What makes you think I'd have taken you back?

Shaun: Well... You don't want to die single do you?

Ed: [interrupting] That's it. I would like to be shot.

Shaun: Besides, I've changed. I haven't had a fag since yesterday, I promise!

Ed: He hasn't!

[last lines]

Videogame Voice: Player two has entered the game.

[Ed, now a zombie, tries to bite Shaun]

Shaun: Ed!

Ed: [groans]

Ed: See? You don't need Liz to have a good time.

Shaun: Oh, don't, man.

Ed: No! Go ahead, look at me. Can I just say one more thing? I'm not gonna say, you know, there's plenty more fish in the sea. I'm not going to say if you love her, let her go. And I'm not going to bombard you with clichés. But what I will say is this?

[chuckling]

Ed: It's not the end of the world.

Dianne: I don't think he'd leave us, Davs.

David: Wouldn't he? Lizzy, how can you put your faith in a man you spectacularly binned for being unreliable? A man whose idea of a romantic nightspot and an impenetrable fortress are the same thing? It's... This is a pub! We are in a pub! What are we going to do now?

Ed: We could get a round in.

David: You still haven't met his mum?

Shaun: Not yet!

Dianne: Don't you get on with your mum, Shaun?

Shaun: It's not that I don't get on with her...

David: Are you ashamed by your mum, Shaun?

Shaun: No! I love my mum!

Ed: I love his mum too.

Shaun: Ed!

Ed: [singing] She's like butter!

Shaun: Ed!

Jeremy Thompson - Newsreader: To recap, it is *vital* that you stay in your homes. Make no attempt to reach loved ones, and avoid all physical contact with the assailants.

Ed: Do you believe everything you hear on TV?

[repeated line]

Ed: Two seconds!

Shaun: [to a girl in the garden] Excuse me?

[no response]

Shaun: Excuse me?

[no response]

Shaun: Hellew?

[no response]

Ed: [picks up a pebble and throws it off her back] Oi!

[girl turns round, a zombie]

Shaun: Oh, my God! She's so drunk!

[Ed is driving Philip's Jaguar very fast, dodging other cars as he tries to escape the zombies]

Philip: [pompously] You *do* realise this is a 20 mph zone?

Ed: [grinning] Oh yeah!

Ed: [Directing Shaun on where to shoot] There!

Shaun: Where?

Ed: Three o'clock!

Dianne: Oh! Over there again. Quarter to twelve.

Shaun: What?

David: Eleven forty-five!

Shaun: Keep it simple!

Ed: Top left!

[repeated line]

Ed: Cock it!

Shaun: You're the one that's gone from being a chartered accountant to Charlton Heston!

David: I'm not a chartered accountant!

Shaun: Well, you look like one!

Ed: YEAH!

David: I'm a lecturer.

Shaun: You're a twat!

Ed: YEAH!

[repeated line]

Ed: I've got nothing.

[trying to call the emergency services]

Ed: Shaun, what's going on?

Shaun: Shit, it's engaged!

Ed: How about an ambulance?

Shaun: It's engaged, Ed.

Ed: A fire engine?

Shaun: It's one number, Ed, and it's busy! Okay? What you want a fire engine for, anyway?

Ed: Anything with flashing lights, you know?

Barbara: My, how you've grown!

Ed: Yeah, you'd better believe it.

[Shaun sits down next to Ed, who's playing a videogame, and presses a button on the controller]

Videogame Voice: Player 2 has entered the game.

Ed: Don't you have work?

[Shaun presses a button again and gets up]

Videogame Voice: Player 2 has left the game.

[while he is disguised as a zombie, Ed's phone rings and he answers it]

[others look horrified]

Ed: Two seconds!

[he chats on his phone until Shaun knocks it out of his hand]

Ed: Oi! What are you doing?

Shaun: [shouts] What am I doing? What are you doing, you stupid moron?

Ed: Fuck off!

Shaun: [shouts] You fuck off! Fuck fucking off! I've spent... look at me! I've spent my entire life sticking my neck out for you and all you ever do is fuck things up! Fuck things up and make me look stupid! Well, I'm not going to let you do it any more. OK? Not today!

Liz: Shaun!

Shaun: What?

[sees the hundreds of zombies staring at them]

Shaun: Oh.

Shaun: [looking behind Ed's shoulder at the old woman in the pub] All right, what about her, then?

Ed: [looking back at her, then to Shaun] Ooooooh... cockacidal maniac. Ex-porn star. She's done it all. They say she starred in the world's first interracial hardcore loop...

[moves his hands to indicate sex]

Ed: Café au lait...

[points at Shaun]

Ed: ... pour vous!

[the jukebox starts playing a love song after Liz has broken up with Shaun]

Ed: Who the hell put this on?

Shaun: [tearfully] It's on random.

Shaun: They still out there?

[Ed checks, revealing two zombies scratching at the window]

Ed: Yeah. What you think we should do?

Shaun: Have a sit down?

[Ed pulls the car over after doing a couple of 360s]

Ed: Whoa, mama!

Shaun: Christ! What the hell do you think you're doing?

Ed: Chill out. Everyone's all right.

Shaun: Stop telling me to chill out!

[Shaun and Ed pull up to Barbara's house and sees Philip's Jaguar in the driveway]

Ed: Oh! Hello! Who's a pretty boy, then?

[wolf whistle]

Ed: You didn't tell me Barbara had a Jag. I've always wanted to drive one of those.

Shaun: Yeah, well, it's Philip's, okay? He won't let anybody near it. Honestly, I put half a Mars bar in the glove box once and he chased me around the garden with a bit of wood.

Ed: Fuck. It's gorgeous.

Ed: You gonna thank me then?

Shaun: For what?

Ed: Tidying up!

Shaun: Doesn't look that tidy.

Ed: Well, I had a few beers when I finished.

David: What are we going to eat?

Dianne: Toasties!

Ed: There's a Breville out back.

David: Great. Saved by nibbles.

Ed: I'm sorry, Shaun.

Shaun: It's OK.

Ed: No, I'm *sorry*, Shaun.

Shaun: What?

[smells Ed's fart]

Shaun: Oh, God, that's rotten!

Ed: I'll stop doing it when you stop laughing!

Shaun: I am not laughing!

[a jukebox begins playing Queen's "Don't Stop Me Now" while the zombie pub owner attacks the group]

Shaun: Who the hell put this on?

Ed: It's on random.

Liz: For fuck's sake!

Ed: Big Al says so.

Shaun: Yeah, but Big Al says dogs can't look up!

Ed: There's a girl in the garden.

Shaun: What?

Ed: In the garden, there is a girl.

[David points a gun at Shaun's mother Barbara]

Shaun: Don't point that gun at my mum!

Ed: Don't point that gun at Barbara!

David: [Points a gun at Shaun's mother Barbara]

Shaun: Don't point that gun at my mum!

Ed: Don't point that gun at Barbara!

Liz, Declan: [as each survivor passes by their parallel counterpart] Hi.

David, Mark: [formally] Hello.

Dianne, Maggie: [friendly] Hi!

Barbara, Yvonne's Mum: [politely] Hello.

Ed, Cousin Tom: [too involved with their cell phones, briefly glancing at each other, muttering] Hello.

Ed: [conversing on the phone] Right so what sort of girls are you into, then, Waj?

Waj: I don't know. Ones with big jubblies and that.

Ed: Yeah? You like them big, Waj? Yeah.

Waj: And nice fit arses, too, man.

Ed: You're an arse man, aren't you, Waj? I knew you were, bro. You're an arse man. You're a massive arse man.

Waj: What are you saying?

Ed: I'm saying you're an arse man, Waj.

Waj: You giving me batty chirps, bro? You calling me a whammer?

Ed: No.

Waj: Fuck off!

[Ends phone conversation]

Waj: Fucking Boy George!

Kurt: I want you to bail on Good Burger. You make your sauce for Kurt.

Ed: Who's Kurt?

Kurt: I'm Kurt.

Ed: I'm Ed.

Kurt: I'm aware!

Ed: You said you were Kurt.

Ed: Welcome to Good Burger, home of the Good Burger! Can I take your order?

Dexter: I don't even remember what my dad looks like.

Ed: I don't remember what my dad looks like either, but at least I get to see him everyday.

Ed: I'm a dude. He's a dude. She's a dude. 'Cause we're all dudes.

Otis: I caught those Mondo brats dumping shark poison in our sauce.

Dexter: Shark poison!

Ed: Why would they want to harm those innocent sharks?

Dexter: Haven't I seen you somewhere before?

Ed: Ever been to Australia?

Dexter: No.

Ed: Me neither.

Customer: [to Ed] Excuse me? Look, I ordered one Good Burger with nothing on it.

Ed: That's what I gave you.

Customer: No! You gave me a bun. Just a bun! Look! There's no meat in here.

Ed: But you said you wanted nothing on it.

Customer: Yes, but I expected a meat patty!

Ed: Dude, a meat patty is something. You said "nothing".

[to Fizz]

Ed: Fizz, is a meat patty something or nothing?

Fizz: Uh, something?

Ed: I win!

Customer: That's it! I am reporting your name to the manager!

Ed: The manager already knows my name.

Customer: [while throwing the bun down] And I'll see you in Hell!

[Leaves]

Ed: OK! See you there!

Dexter: Hey, man, about the contract, why don't we just forget about it?

[Rips contract in half]

Ed: You don't wanna be partners?

Dexter: No, see...

Ed: [Interrupts] Is it because I'm black?

Dexter: Check it, Ed, it's the Mondo Idiot!

Ed: Oh, nice to meet you, Mondo Idiot, I'm Ed.

Kurt: Well, Ed, you better watch your butt man!

Ed: Okay.

[Tries and ends up spinning around and around]

Ed: I give up. There's no way a guy can watch his own butt.

Heather: Hi!

Ed: Hi!

Heather: I'm a psychopath.

Ed: I'm Ed.

Ed: [reading a contract Dexter wants him to sign] I know some of these words.

[Ed dumped Trilampathol into the meat supply, causing Mondo Burger to be destroyed]

Ed: I thought that if I took the can, there was a good chance that I'd get caught, but even if I did get the Trilampathol to the proper authorities, Kurt would hire some powerful attornies who would dispute any charges brought against him or Mondo Burger by manipulating the legal system and the way America's court system is congested these days, it would take months to convict him of anything. So I thought I'd take matters into my own hands and dump the Trilampathol into the meat supply, making Mondo Burger a victim of its own foul play.

Dexter: You thought all that?

Ed: Yeah. I'm not stupid.

Shaquille O'Neal: Little man, I ordered tomatoes on this Good Burger, and I don't see no tomatoes!

Ed: Well, hang on...

[pulls a couple of tomato slices out of his pocket, and slaps them on Shaq's burger]

Ed: There! Consider yourself tomatoed!

Shaquille O'Neal: You're not like other people are you?

Ed: Nope.

Ed: Dexter's a chicken!

[pause flapping his arms]

Ed: Mooooooo.

Dexter: Ed, I don't know how to say this...

Ed: Oh, well, you just go, "Thiiiissssssssssss."

Monique: [eating a corn-dog] Mm, great corn-dog.

Ed: I wonder how they get the wienie into the corny exterior?

Monique: A question that has plagued mankind for centuries.

Ed: [Mr. Baily has asked Ed to do a delivery] But I don't do deliveries, sir.

Mr. Baily: Well, you're doing them for now. I fired O'Malley.

Ed: Why?

Mr. Baily: Because the boy showed up for work without his pants!

Roxanne: Would you like to have dinner tomorrow night?

Ed: I like to have dinner every night.

Kurt: Can I give you a lift, Ed?

Ed: I don't know, I weigh about 150.

Kurt: Just get in the car.

Heather: [very fast] Have small space aliens ever landed in your brain and told you to break into the zoo and free the kangaroos?

Ed: ...Not that I recall.

Deedee: Ed! There must be 50 customers out there! It's unbelievable! What do you put in that sauce?

Ed: Well, you start off with a little lemon juice and some ketchup...

[Dexter tackles him to the ground]

Ed: Um, look Dexter, I like you as a friend and all but...

Dexter: No! Listen to me carefully.

Ed: Okay.

Dexter: Do not tell anyone the recipe to your sauce.

Ed: Oh, well first you start off with a little lemon juice and some ketchup...

Dexter: *Stop It*! Stop talking. *Never* tell anyone the ingredients of your *sauce*.

Ed: [to Kurt being taken to jail] Hey, just remember, when you mess with Good Burger...

Ed, Dexter: *You* go in the grinder!

Ed: This is where I come to think... I think.

Dexter: Funny, I never figured you as much of a thinker.

Dexter: I could've sworn I've seen you somewhere before.

Ed: Maybe I'm someone famous like a baseball player or a pretty nurse.

Dexter: What? What are you talking about?

Ed: Okay, I give up. Who am I?

Dexter: I don't know *who* you are or *where* I've seen you before or *why* you think you're an attractive nurse.

Angry Customer: Can I get two Good Burgers?

Ed: Sorry, dude, I gotta go get 'em. Customers aren't allowed in back.

Angry Customer: Just give me two Good Burgers!

Ed: Dude, I can't just *give* you two Good Burgers. you hafta pay for 'em.

Angry Customer: [shouts] All right, that's it! I've had it up to *here* with Good Burger!

Kurt: OK, Hot Pants! I want to know what's in your sauce!

Ed: Dude, you need a tic-tac!

Ed: [with 2 grapes up his nose] Look! I'm Grape Nose Boy! Bloobity Bloobity Bloobity Bloobity

Dexter: Stop that.

Ed: Bloobity Bloobity Bloobity Bloobity Bloobity Bloobity Bloobity

Dexter: Would you stop?

Ed: Bloobity Bloobity Bloobity Bloobity Bloobity Bloobity Bloobity

Dexter: That ain't funny!

[laughs]

Ed: Bloobity Bloobity Bloobity Bloobity... Made ya laugh!

Dexter: Yeah, so what? Oh, I give up.

Heather: D'you think I'm cute?

Ed: Sure.

Heather: What's cute about me?

Ed: Uh... your head.

Heather: You have a cute head too!

Ed: Well, I try to keep it nice.

Ed: You got it!

Dexter: Got what? I'm swinging from a dang pipe!

Ed: You wanna see my secret place?

Dexter: That's not what I had in mind.

Roxanne: Do you know what would be great on this corn dog?

Ed: A turtleneck?

Ed: [on a double date, Dexter and Monique are going off alone] What am I supposed to do?

Roxanne: [insulted] Hello?

Ed: Hello! What am I supposed to do?

Mr. Baily: Ed! What are you doing inside the milkshake machine?

Ed: Trying to fix it.

Mr. Baily: Did you turn on the switch?

Roxanne: Now Ed, let's go someplace where we could be alone, and get to know each other a little better, now, doesn't that sound more fun then Miniature Golf?

Ed: [thinks about it] Uh... nooooo!

Dexter: There you are, Ed. Um, can I sit here?

Ed: On my lap?

Dexter: No, man. I'll just sit down right next to you.

Dexter: [on the roof of Mondo Burger] How do you expect me to get up there?

Ed: Oh, it's easy. You just jump on the burger, jump on the fry, and then you hop on the cup, and then shimmy up the straw.

Dexter: What is this, American Gladiators?

Dexter, Ed: [as Kurt's taken away] Kurt's goin' to jail, Kurt's goin' to jail, Kurt's goin' to jail jail jail! Kurt's goin' to jail, Kurt's goin' to jail, Kurt's goin' to jail jail jail!

[repeated line]

Ed: Welcome to Good Burger, home of the Good Burger. Can I take your order?

Ed: I will never forget you, Dexter Reed, in my head, or in my heart.

[hugs him]

Ed: Goodbye my friend!

Dexter: Uh, Ed, I'm not going anywhere.

Ed: [pulls back, nonchalant] Oh.

Ed: And that's Otis, he's 77 years old and worked here longer than anyone.

Otis: I should've died years ago.

Dexter: Tough break.

Dexter: I never took you for much of a thinker.

Ed: Oh yeah, I think about all kinds of stuff: squirrels, cardboard boxes, things that are sticky.

Dexter: I bet you don't have one real problem, do you?

Ed: I have six toes on my left foot. What kind of problems do you have, Dexter?

Dexter: Other than the ones YOU caused? A lot. Most of them started when I was a kid when my parents split up.

Ed: [after Roxanne falls] Uh, is your butt okay?

Roxanne: It's fine, thank you.

Ed: It's okay, people! HER BUTT... IS FINE!

Ed: And that's Deedee, she's a veterinarian.

Deedee: Vegetarian.

Ed: That means she doesn't eat fur.

Deedee: I won't wear fur, I don't eat meat.

Ed: Dexter's a chicken! Moo! Moo.

Ed: Huh! How do you like me now? I'm a dude throwing ice cream! Yeah! Here's vanilla! Take some chocolate! Yeah! Fudge!

Ed: What's wrong? Were you bitten by a sheep?

Dexter: What?

Ed: Did you lose your trousers?

[looks down at Dexter's legs]

Dexter: No! Look, you are an unusually bad guesser, so I'm just gonna go ahead and tell you why I'm upset. I gotta come up with $1900 to fix some jerk's car, another $800 to fix my mother's car, and I just got fired. Man! I can't believe Kurt fired me from Mondo Burger... and he yelled at me... and he assaulted me... and he made fun of me...

Ed: [after a long pause] Boy... you must really suck!

Ed: [driving everyone home from a night out, and trying to entertain his unconscious date] ... Then when I was six, I said my first word. My mom thinks it was "trouser", but I think it was "tweezers". And then, I went to camp and fell down the sand dunes...

Dexter: [interrupting] Ed? Ed! She's still unconscious, bro.

Ed: Oh.

Dexter: [Ed said something that offended Dexter] You see, right about now, I'd slap you right across your head, but I don't think your brain would understand the concept of pain.

Ed: Wanna see my belly button?

Ed: [peering in the kitchen window at Mondo Burger] What's that stuff they're putting in the burgers?

Dexter: I don't know... but I'll bet you that's what makes those burgers grow so big.

Ed: We should get some of that stuff for Good Burger.

Dexter: No, man! That stuff's got to be illegal.

Ed: [to a hungry dog] Here, have a Mondo burger...

[dog barks at the burger]

Ed: What's wrong?

Dexter: I don't know, he sure does look hungry though.

Ed: [to the dog] Here, try a Good Burger.

[dog eats the burger]

Ed: You see! I told you there was something wrong with Mondo Burger!

Dexter: [about the dog and the Mondo burger] He's definitely sensing something he doesn't like.

Ed: Welcome to Good Burger, home of the Good Burger, can I take your order?

Roxanne: [seductively] No, thanks. I just came here to see you, Ed. I'm Roxanne.

Ed: Ohhhh.

[pause]

Ed: Welcome to Good Burger, home of the Good Burger, can I take your order?

Otis: [in Demented Hills] Do I LOOK like I came to visit? What're you doing here?

Dexter: They kidnapped US, but why'd they bring YOU here?

Otis: Because I caught those Mondo brats dumping shark poison in our sauce!

Dexter: SHARK POISON?

Ed: Wow, who'd want to hurt those innocent sharks?

Dexter: Man will you forget about the sharks? That stuff's going to hurt innocent people!

Otis: Can you get to a phone?

Dexter: There's no chance! What time is it?

Ed: Oh, I'll tell you.

[stares at his wrist]

Otis: It's 6 A.M., and Good Burger opens at 10.

Dexter: That means we've only got four hours to warn them!

Otis: But how are we gonna get out of here?

Dexter: Ed, what happened?

Ed: I just tackled this old lady.

Dexter: Alright! You're the man!

[they whoop and cheer]

Mr. Baily: EXCUSE ME? But will somebody explain WHY this is a GOOD thing?

Dexter: This is why, Mondo Burger poisoned our sauce.

Mr. Baily: How could Mondo Burger poison our sauce?

Dexter: We'll explain it to you later, right now just keep all these people from eating a Good Burger, and call the police. Come on, Ed, we're going back to Mondo Burger.

Ed: What for?

Dexter: Evidence!

Ed: Your head hit my golf ball. Then you went sleepy-bye.

Ed: I've always wanted to shave a martian.

Ed: Hey! Wanna see my belly button?

Ed: Look I'm grape nose boy.

Ed: It's because I'm black?

Ed: This is Otis, the fry cook!

Otis: I should have died years ago.

Kurt: Listen, I can explain everything. This is all just a big misunderstand.

[Siren wails]

Kurt: I don't understand. I don't know what happened.

Dexter: Oh, sure, you do. Why don't you go on ahead and tell your little police friend that you made your big Beefy Burgers all big and beefy by using illegal food additives.

Police Officer: Is that true?

Kurt: No! He's lying! You're lying! You're full of crap!

Police Officer: Yeah? Well, why don't we just check these out, and we'll see who's lying.

Police Officer: I think you better come with us.

Kurt: Man, you're out of your minds. You're crazy, man! You know who I am? Huh?

Police Officer: Yeah, I know, I know.

[the Police officers placed Kurt Bowell under arrest and put him in the car]

Dexter: Bye-bye.

Ed: Hey, hey, remember: when you mess with Good Burger...

Dexter, Ed: you go in the grinder!

[Ed laughing]

Dexter: Oh, dog, you enjoy prison now.

[Frank Drebin is emptying out his files after being kicked off the force]

Frank: Hey! The missing evidence in the Kelner case! My God, he really was innocent!

Ed: He went to the chair two years ago, Frank.

Frank: Well, uh...

[Frank Drebin quickly shoves the evidence back into the file cabinet]

[Nordberg is being visited in the hospital by his wife, Wilma, along with Frank and Ed, after Nordberg had barely survived a massive gunfire by a group of ruffians. Wilma is taking the unfortunate circumstance pretty hard, and with no help from Frank's blunt assumptions and remarks about the situation]

Mrs. Nordberg: Oh, my poor Nordberg! He was such a good man, Frank. He never wanted to hurt anyone. Who would do such a thing?

Ed: It's hard to tell.

Frank: [being blunt] A roving gang of thugs, a blackmailer, an angry husband, a gay lover...

[Wilma sobs]

Ed: Frank, get a hold of yourself!

Frank: A good cop, needlessly cut down and ambushed by some cowardly hoodlum.

Ed: That's no way for a man to die.

Frank: [being blunt] Ah, you're right, Ed. A parachute not opening... that's a way to die. Getting caught in the gears of a combine... having your nuts bit off by a Laplander, that's the way I wanna go!

Mrs. Nordberg: [Wilma sobs again] Oh... Frank! Oh, this is terrible!

Ed: Don't you worry, Wilma. Your husband is going to be all right. Don't you worry about anything. Just think positive. Never let a doubt enter your mind.

Frank: [being blunt] He's right, Wilma. But I wouldn't wait until the last minute to fill out those organ donor cards.

[Wilma sobs again]

Ed: What I'm trying to say is that, Wilma, as soon as Nordberg is better, he's welcome back at Police Squad.

Frank: [being blunt] Unless he's a drooling vegetable. But I think that's only common sense.

[Wilma sobs again]

Ed: You want to take a dinghy?

Frank: No, I took care of that at the press conference.

Ed: Doctors say that Nordberg has a 50/50 chance of living, though there's only a 10 percent chance of that.

Ed: [regarding the Press] Frank, they're not here for you. "Weird Al" Yankovic is on the plane.

Frank: I'm telling ya, the answer's up there in Ludwig's office. Call it what you will. A hunch, woman's intuition. That guy Ludwig knows a lot more than he's telling us.

Ed: A hunch won't stand up in court, Frank. Where are your hard facts?

Frank: Look. He's the only one outside of ourselves who knew that Nordberg was still alive. Next thing we know, some thug tries to knock Nordberg off in the hospital.

Ed: That may be, but breaking into Ludwig's office, you're takin' a big chance.

Frank: I know. You take a chance getting up in the morning, crossing the street, or sticking your face in a fan.

Ed: [after Ludwig has been shot with a cuff link dart, fallen off a building, run over by a bus, flattened by a steam roller, and trampled by a marching band] Oh, Frank! It's horrible. That's so horrible!

Frank: [comforts Ed] I know, Ed.

Ed: My father went the same way.

Ed: [surrounded by several people pointing guns] This is ridiculous.

Ed: [faces SAVAK man in the airport. SAVAK man holds gun to Diana's head] This is ridiculous. Big shot, huh? You got a gun. Now what? Shithead, you. Huh? Maniac. Let me ask you something. Maybe you can help me. What's wrong with my life? Why is my wife sleeping with someone else? Why can't I sleep?

Herb: When *was* the last time you fucked your wife?

Ed: You're a classy guy, Herb.

Shaheen Parvici: There has to be a catch. A... a trick. I do not trust your plan.

Ed: Well I think it's a very good plan. C'mon, time's running out. Escrow's closing.

Shaheen Parvici: Did Jack Caper tell you that?

Ed: Yes, that's right. I'm Jack's son.

Shaheen Parvici: His son!

Ed: Illegitimate, but some day it'll all be mine. You and I might be doing business, going out to lunch... all right, OK fine, I'm, I'll tell you the truth. Diana's CIA, I'm On Her Majesty's Secret Service, we've got the place surrounded... I'm really from Immigration, we thought you might have some illegal aliens working around here.

Shaheen Parvici: What are you playing at?

Ed: I apologize, I've been lying. I'm actually the chairman of the Committee to Reelect the President. I was hoping for a substantial contribution.

Shaheen Parvici: You are mad.

Ed: Now you don't know what to believe, do you?

Herb: There's a girl there who will do *anything you want* for fifty dollars an hour.

Ed: Like what?

Herb: Anything! If you want she'll dress like Santa Claus!

Ed: Will she bring me a pony?

[a federal agent brings Diana and Ed to a motel room for a private conference]

Ed: Are we under arrest, or what?

Federal Agent: I'd say you fall into the "or what" category.

[the federal agent turns to leave the couple alone with $750,000, less some wads of bills stuffed into his pockets]

Ed: Do we *thank* you, or what?

Federal Agent: I'd say I fall in the "or what" category.

Colin Morris: [Ed is waiting outside the Tiffany store for Diana] You're very good. You're really very good. I'm amazed we've not met before.

Ed: I beg your pardon?

Colin Morris: I've been watching you ever since you left Caper's yacht. Very impressive.

Ed: Oh yeah?

Colin Morris: You can stop performing now, Ed. If that's your name.

Ed: Heh, I don't know, what are you talking about?

Colin Morris: OK. I represent Monsieur Melville, and I can assure you that he will be far more reasonable than the SAVAK.

Ed: The SAVAK?

Colin Morris: The Shah's secret police. Death squad. Iranian gestapo. *Shaheen's* boys.

Ed: ...Shaheen's boys...

Colin Morris: Heh, heh, I like you Ed. I do like you. You're very good.

[Draws pistol, puts it in Ed's mouth]

Colin Morris: The stones.

Ed: What?

Colin Morris: Where are the stones?

Ed: I can't help you.

Colin Morris: [Cocks pistol] We do understand each other, don't we?

Ed: Uh, I don't know.

Colin Morris: [Sees police car approaching, puts pistol away] Very good. Very impressive. I'm sure we'll chat again.

Ed: Hey buddy, what's wrong?

Frank: [pumping shotgun] A lot.

Al: How about sex?

Ed: I'm sorry, Al, but I'm gonna have to pass. And it's not an age thing, 'cause you are still a handsome man.

Ray Pekurny: You know, how many chances do guys like you and I get?

Ed: I don't know.

Ray Pekurny: That's right, you don't know.

[talking about Ed's dad]

Ed: He cheated on you?

Ed's mother: Well, he had medical problems, he said the woman he was with was a nurse.

Ed: And you believed him!

Ed's mother: Well, she had white shoes.

Ed: So does Grandma! So does Sahquille O-Neil!

Ed: [Reading audience response card] Would you recommend this film to a friend? Not unless I was friendly with Hitler...

Ed: Look, I love Val. I love him. But with all due respect... he's a raving, incompetent psychotic.

Ellie: He's not incompetent.

Frank Allen: You caught me reminiscing. A lot of memories here. Buy you a drink?

Ed: Oh, I'd love to Frank, but uh... I'm kind of... I'm... I'm in a bit of a rush.

Frank Allen: I insist. After all, it is the traditional function of the father of the bride.

Ed: What is?

Frank Allen: Keeping the groom away from back exits.

Frank Allen: What about that thing with Jake Lee?

Ed: [horrified] She told you that?

Frank Allen: Two weeks, last year.

Ed: Two weeks? She told me a week!

Frank Allen: One, two, most of Lent. It's hardly the point.

Ed: Why don't we all agree to stop here.Let this bimbo have his money.I mean isn't our self respect worth more than any inheritance?

Frank: No.

Patti: Carl... Carl, what happened? Is he...?

Carl: Massive coronary. He died instantly.

Patti: Really? You mean just...?

Carl: And he left everything to you, sis.

Patti: Really?

Carl: No, it wasn't even him. It was Dr. Hemmel.

Ed: You son of a bitch.

Carl: Ooh, you really wish it was the old man in the ambulance, don't you?

Ed: I did before, but now I wish it was you.

Carl: How are your girls, Ed?

Patti: That's right, we have girls. You know why? Because we weren't cynical and cold-blooded enough to put Ed's sperm in a centrifuge and spin it around to separate the X's from the Y's! Excuse me, brother, but no matter how much uncle Joe is worth, there is a line below which we will not go. Jolene? Joette? Let's go in, girls.

Ed: You're right, there's a chill in the air tonight. Fifty-eight years old, can't be too careful in this weather.

Joey: [pointing to coffin] Yeah, you'll end up in one of those.

Ed: Uh-uh. Not me. You'll never find me in one of these. I'm gonna get me cremated.

Joey: You're just afraid that some old creep like you is gonna come along and steal your head.

Ed: Watch your tongue, boy, if you like this job!

Joey: Like this job?

Ed: Kiss, kiss.

Ed: [Sees Fred outside] Aw, Christ...

Fred: [Entering the liquor store] You're a nice guy.

Ed: Hey Fred, early bird gets the worm, hah?

Fred: Ah, you just want my one-eyed wonder worm, Eddy.

Ed: That one-eyed wonder worm has been dead for twenty years.

Fred: Yeah. How's your daughter?

Ed: Eh, you'll never know.

Fred: Place looks cleaner than usual.

Ed: Yeah, I swept it out once.

Fred: Huh. So. What you got for me today?

Ed: Today? Tenafly Viper. One buck.

Fred: Buck - not bad. I thought you Jews usually tried to make more money than that.

Ed: Ah, you fuckin' bastard...

Ed: You have learned much young Dave, but you are not a skier yet.

Dave Marshak: We party here.

Fitz: We party big.

Ed: We party now.

Ed: Whoops.

Arnold: Whoops? Ed, did you say "whoops"? No, Ed. "Whoops" is when you fall down an elevator shaft. "Whoops" is when you skinny-dip in a school of piranha. "Whoops" is when you accidentally douche with Drano! No, Ed. This was no "whoops." This was an AAAAAAAAAAAAAHA-HA-HA-HA!

Ed: Care to talk about it?

Arnold: I am upset, I am uptight, I am up to my nipples in Southern Comfort, and you're trying to take advantage of me.

[He sprawls in Ed's lap]

Arnold: Fine!

Ed: I can't believe you're STILL mad.

Arnold: I ain't STILL mad... this here is BRAND NEW!

Ed: You know, I'm not sure the sex we had was always as good for me as it was for you. Sometimes it was a little wild, out of control.

Arnold: And that's... bad?

Ed: It's not what I want.

Arnold: Funny. It's what I pray for.

Ed: I want another chance with you, Arnold.

[Arnold reacts]

Ed: Arnold, I'm forty years old. You know what that means? It's time for me to stop screwing around. This time I've spent with you and David is the closest thing to whatever it is I want.

Ed: Why don't you ask Arnold? I'm sure he has lots to say on the subject.

Alan: He says you're a boring, self-centered, insensitive old fool who wouldn't know love if it wore wings, diaper, and shot heart-shaped arrows at your butt.

Ed: Did anyone every tell you you have a really sexy voice? Is that natural or do you have a cold?

Ed: 'Casual'? We've known each other for nine years!

Arnold: Seven of which you spent with another woman.

Arnold: You can't expect me to sit around all the time waiting for you to call.

Ed: Oh, I never asked you to. I told you to go out, have a good time, meet other people.

Arnold: I can't. I'm not built that way.

Ed: Well, I'm just not ready to make that kind of commitment.

Arnold: I'm not asking you to. But if I have to accept you going out, then you have to accept that I'm not.

Ed: Oh, you are really draggin' me over the coals!

Arnold: Well why should I be the only one around here with a barbecued ass?

Ed: Hey, um, what do you like most about teaching.

Amy: Hmm. I would have to say... the microwave food.

Ed: That's it. I'm done with women. They're evil. You know, I'd be gay if it wasn't for the sex thing.

Ed: Look, this is tough on me too.

Jon: Well gee, I feel sorry for you, you back-stabbing pig!

Ed: I mean Elliot, you got my knickers all up in a pinch here!

Ed: You want help? Go see a doctor. You want trouble? Go see this girl.

McDuff: Did you call him like I told you?

Ed: Sir, I called the number, like, 95 times. I practically had it memorized.

Ed: Good night, sir.

McDuff: Good night, Ed.

Ed: Should I turn out the lights?

McDuff: That would leave me in the dark, Ed.

Phil: I mean, I didn't want to be *like* Ernie Banks. I wanted to *be* Ernie Banks.

Ed: Mr. Cub...

Phil: And it never really dawned on me that he was Black.

Ed: Wrist hitter...

Phil: I was, you know, seven years old. And he was just... Ernie Banks. He was my hero.

Ed: All in the wrists...

Phil: There weren't any Black people in my town. At least I don't think there were.

Ed: Mr. Cub...

Ed: I'll be quiet. Quiet as a well-digger's ass.

Ed: Man, it is el warmo out here.

Ed: Oh it's going to get weird now, isn't it?

Ed: You know what the biggest difference between you and a rich man is? He has money and you don't! And if you were smart, you would ask yourself why!

Ed: You know what the biggest difference between me and a rich man is? He has my bitchy wife and I don't! And if he were smart, he would ask himself why!

Ed: All those years in bed, I never had ONE! SINGLE! ORGASM!

Rula: ARRGGGLE!

Ed: Ever wonder why people wear clothes?

Rubin: Nope.

Ed: But...well, look at it this way. Man's best friend is his apparel. Now, you start to dress for success, and you will score with the babes, and make the big bucks. You gotta admit that's true!

Rubin: I don't have to admit that.

Ed: You have to admit that!

Rubin: No, I don't!

Ed: Yes, you do!

Rubin: I don't have to admit anything!

Ed: You have to admit there's hair on your head!

Rubin: No, I don't!

Ed: Yes, you do! You have to admit that!

Rubin: No, I don't!

Ed: But you have to admit your cat's dead! He's deader than a doornail! That cat is colder than a well digger's ass! Pretty hard to deny that isn't it, Mr. Smartypants? Yep. Deceased. El morto. No more Mr. Kittycat.

Ed: Women are like banks boy, breaking and entry is a serious offence.

Ed: Fantastic meal, Trinity.

Mia: She's done better.

Trinity: [annoyed] Fuck you.

Mia: Don't tempt me.

Ed: What do you say to the fact that I'm gonna die?

Jim Bennett: [tearing up] I'm going to miss you.

Ed: Fuck that. I won't know about that. I need to know what you're worth when I leave you nothing.

Jim Bennett: I'll do the best I can. You can go knowing that, okay?

Ed: You're me now... if you'll have it.

Ed: Frank.

Frank: Huh?

Ed: This hair.

Frank: Yeah.

Ed: You ever wonder about it?

Frank: Whuddya mean?

Ed: I don't know... How it keeps on coming. It just keeps growing.

Frank: Yeah, lucky for us, huh pal?

Ed: No, I mean it's growing, it's part of us. And we cut it off. And we throw it away.

Frank: Come on, Eddie, you're gonna scare the kid.

Ed: I'm gonna take his hair and throw it out in the dirt.

Frank: What the...

Ed: I'm gonna mingle it with common house dirt.

Frank: What the hell are you talking about?

Ed: I don't know. Skip it.

Ed: Do you understand half the shit he says?

Elaine: No, but I know what he means.

Wilson: [looking at view] Wow!

Ed: Yeah, if you can afford a house like this you buy a house like this, you know?

Wilson: [peering over railing] What are we standing on?

Ed: Trust?

[pause]

Ed: You know, you could see the sea out there, if you could see it.

Wilson: Could ya?

Ed: If you could afford a place like this, you'd buy a place like this.

[Wilson and Ed are standing by Valentine's pool]

Wilson: What are we standing on?

Ed: Trust.

Drunk Man in Strip Club: Hey, wait a minute. This is for you. $400. But you already know that. I'm talking to you!

Valeria: Let me go!

[Valeria slaps him]

Drunk Man in Strip Club: Fucking bitch!

Ed: Why don't you chill, man? She's no pro.

Valeria: It's okay. I can handle it. It's okay.

Drunk Man in Strip Club: This dickless faggot more your type, Valeria?

Valeria: Fuck off, Gilberto.

Drunk Man in Strip Club: You think you have the balls for this girl? I ask you something. You deaf?

Ed: What the fuck's your problem, man?

Ed: [pulls out a knife and cuts Ed] oh shit!

[Valeria gets a bat and hits Drunk Man in the head and knocks him out]

Valeria: [Valeria now tends to Ed's wound in the back of the bar] That was pretty stupid. At least now you have a great story to tell your friends.

Ed: What? That I got my ass kicked?

Valeria: No. How you came to the aid of a poor and defenseless woman.

Ed: Yeah, right. If it ever gets boring around here, you could bat cleanup for the Astros.

Valeria: You know, my ex-husband, he hated the fact that I could handle myself.

Ed: Let me guess. That's why he's your ex.

Valeria: I left him and I moved here to Manzanita.

Ed: Can I buy you a drink later?

Valeria: So you're not afraid of strong woman?

Ed: Only if she's not swinging a bat at me.

Henry: [lites two cigarettes in his mouth and puts one in Ed's mouth,who is sleeping with his mouth open] Rise and shine, faggot! Wharton, motherfucker, Wharton! Whoop-whoop, Wharton!

Ed: [coughing from the cigarette] You're gonna be the first dealer on your block with an MBA.

Henry: Yeah, fuck all that, man. I'm getting out of pharmaceuticals. Human cloning is about to explode, dude. Keep everything offshore, do your marketing on the Internet.

Ed: Promise me you won't clone yourself.

Henry: You know, when you get out of Stanford, man, I could use you on my team. What do you say? Feel like been a rich son of a bitch?

Ed: Is that really the best we can do?

Henry: What? Get rich?

Ed: Yeah.

Henry: We could do worse.

Henry: [in a fake preaching voice] Imagine a land, if you will, where a man can be a man. A land where he can indulge in all those animal urges, far from the petty judgments of parents and teachers and less-enlightened peers. A land where he can ride the demon!

Phil: Yeah!

Henry: Behave bad!

Phil: Bad!

Henry: Whatever he goddamn well pleases,and no one gives a shit, including the cops.

Phil: Tell it, Brother Henry!

Henry: I'm talking real freedom, my friend!

Phil: Real freedom!

Henry: Not this overregulated bullshit that passes for liberty in our country.

Phil: Hell, no!

Phil: !Vamonos a la frontera!

[Let's go to the border!]

Phil: Arriba Mexico!

Henry: We leave right now, we hit Manzanita right about the time the strip joints open.

Phil: I'm gonna get laid.

Henry: You're kidding? I finally convinced our upstanding minister's son to get his cherry popped.

Phil: Pop!

Ed: Let's pray he doesn't contract an STD.

Henry: Worrywart.

Ed: [opens his wallet and hands Phil some condoms] Fellas, say hello to the senoritas for me.

Henry: Come on. man. You're not gonna hang around here. All right? All the poonsies are hooked up or singing "Kumbaya" with the art fags.

Ed: Any other time. I'm there, all right? I just have a lot on my mind.

Henry: You want a Zoloft, man? I think I got one.

Ed: I just wanna chill.

Henry: Chill when you're dead, man. As your "personal physician", I insist you put that big brain of yours to rest and go a little nuts, okay, for once.

Ed: Hola. Una mas cerveza, por favor.

Valeria: 'Fabor'.

Ed: Pardon?

Valeria: 'Fabor'. the V is pronounced like a B. 'Fabor. Cerbeza'.

Ed: Sorry. My Spanish sucks.

Valeria: At least you can order a beer at a strip club.

Ed: [over CB radio] Listen, you dumbos! Get off the '57 pickup!

Ed: Do you wanna see what the other side of the camera looks like...?

Cheryl Dempsey: What's happening? Where am I?

Cheryl Dempsey: Stay away from me! Stay away! Why are you doing this to me? Please, don't hurt me! Please, don't hurt me! I'll do anything you want!

Ed: I know you will.

Cheryl Dempsey: Please don't hurt me!

Ed: SHUT UP! What is your name?

Cheryl Dempsey: Cheryl Dempsey.

Ed: WRONG! Your name... is slave. What is your name?

Cheryl Dempsey: Cheryl.

Ed: YOUR NAME... IS SLAAAAVE! What is your name?

Cheryl Dempsey: My name is slave!

Ed: What is your name?

Cheryl Dempsey: Slave!

Ed: What is your name?

Cheryl Dempsey: Slave!

Ed: Good.

Ed: [to the two girl guides who are selling cookies door-to-door] yeah, there are lots of weirdos out there... but I'm a policeman...

Ed: POP IT!

Ed: I'm gonna get down off this roof, kill a few zombies on the way, I'm gonna come for you, and I'm gonna save the fucking day.

Ed: Go make pancakes in hell, you bitch!

Billy: Fuck you mum, and you have got a mustache!

Ed: Billy! Are you okay?

Billy: No, my mum's a fuckin' bitch and my nan's a whore!

Ed: Oh, shit, Billy, calm Down.

Billy: And those Things have got me out of the house!

Ed: It's all right, it's all right.

Billy: What the fuck's that?

Ed: A gun. I found it round the block, you know.

Billy: Let's have a look.

Ed: I'm as good as packin'.

Billy: What, can I borrow it?

Ed: Oh, no, sorry it's mine. Why don't you just get back in there, be a man, and just throw her ass out! Come on, Billy. Go on! Oh, Billy? Shit.

Ed: First rule: Never be far from your car.

Matt: Ahh, we should have made up that rule five minutes ago.

Janey: I'd like to have some nice photo's.

Jim: Why?

Janey: 'Cause I want to.

Ed: What for?

Janey: My portfolio.

Ed: Why do you need a portfolio?

Janey: I don't know.

Ed: What would you do with a portfolio?

Janey: I think it'd give me good confidence.

Ed: I didn't think you needed it.

Ed: Take that to your mother, please.

Janey: She's got legs.

Ed: Take it to her anyway.

[last lines]

Ed: We know what happened to you. You can't change what was - what used to be.

Ed: [getting out car] Remember the redhead, the one who was at the end of the bar?

Jimmy: She's in the trunk?

Jimmy: Listen, the target, in my mailbox - Lopez may not be the guy

Ed: Really? Wow, sorry.

Jimmy: Yeah, I think it's a Valentine from an old buddy, who just got paroled from Creekmore.

Ed: So you're gonna go down there and fuck with him, like you did Lopez? That worked out really well.

Jimmy: No, no, he's not gonna know I'm there. It'll be, err, reconnaissance.

Ed: Reconnaissance? Oh, what are you, a Navy Seal?

Ed: Don't snow the snowman.

Rhodes: All right. You want a plan? Everybody want a plan? Here's the plan, okay? No one's gonna move. We're gonna stay here, like this, in this room until dawn. No one leaves, no one moves.

Rhodes: [points gun at Larry] And if he tries anything I'm gonna shoot him! And if there's something out there and it comes in here, I'm gonna shoot it! And if anyone of us tries anything, I'm gonna shoot 'em!

Ed: We get it!

Rhodes: Good!

Ginny: You remember that movie where the ten strangers went to an island, and then they all died, one by one? And then it turned out they weren't strangers, that they all had a connection.

Larry: And you don't mess with the wrong guy when he's gettin' revenge!

Rhodes: Shut up!

Ginny: I'm just saying that maybe's there some connection between all of us.

Ed: Like what?

Larry: We're all in Nevada.

Rhodes: Shut up!

Paris: Where did you go before? What did you see? What? Tell me what you saw.

Ed: I saw you... I saw you in an orange grove.

Larry: It's your birthday next week? It's my birthday next week. The 10th.

Paris: Me too.

Rhodes: Me too.

Ed: Yeah.

Caroline Suzanne: What are you doing?

Ed: Sorry, lady. It's a step down from the Ramada but it'll have to do.

Caroline Suzanne: I'm not staying here! Are you out of your mind? This is my car. You work for me, and you get those bags back in this car right now!

Caroline Suzanne: [Ed drags her out of the limo] Listen, I understand the bleeding person has medical condition, okay? But so do I. My lung walls have... depleted cilia. If I stay here, I could asphyxiate!

Ed: Listen to me, dude, I'm having a really fucked-up, really wet, very bad fucking day!

Ed: Hey, what the hell are you doing?

Rhodes: There's something in there.

Ed: Use this, man.

[gives Rhodes a fabric softener sheet]

Rhodes: Thanks.

Larry: You a cop?

Ed: I was.

Rhodes: [reaches into dryer and pulls out a room #10 key, then says softly:] What?

Ed: She was in room 10?

Rhodes: *I* am.

Ed: Where's your guy?

Rhodes: He's cuffed to a toilet.

Ginny: Maybe it's the burial ground.

Ed: What?

Ginny: Read the brochure in there. It's all around us. A hundred years ago the government moved these Indians here. And they all died because there was no water.

Rhodes: What, now they're coming back to life like sea monkeys, huh? Come on, give me a break, sweetheart, will ya? Please.

Larry: Hey, Ed? I don't know if I'm comfortable with guard duty, per se.

Ed: He's unconscious, Larry. He's tied to a post.

Paris: [Ed is taking evidence photos] Where were you a cop?

Ed: Los Angeles.

Paris: Were you fired or did you quit?

Ed: I took medical leave. It was making me sick. I burned out, I guess. Wasn't up for it. One day, I got a call for a jumper. A young Mexican girl. Pregnant, infected with AIDS, totally strung-out. She was truly one of the doomed. And I asked her to come in off the ledge and into my arms. She asked me why she should bother living.

Paris: What did you say?

Ed: Well I was trained to tell her lots of things. Her dreams and all the people who'd miss her. But for a second, I hesitated. And she saw it. Within that second, I couldn't think of honestly one optimistic thing to say to her. So she spread her arms and jumped. I started getting headaches, and eventually started blacking out. So I filed for medical.

Ed: Lady, open the door, I need your phone!

Caroline Suzanne: No!

Ed: [he breaks the car window] GIVE ME YOUR GODDAMN PHONE!

George York: [to stepson/Timmy] I'll be right back.

[to Ed, who is sewing up Alice's neck]

George York: Where did you learn to do that?

Ed: Pretty much where you're standing. Hey, is the, uh, little boy. Is he all right? He hasn't said a word since the accident. I don't know if he's...

George York: [Cutting Ed off] No no no. He doesn't talk much. Ever since the, uh... I'm his stepfather. His father... Two years ago he left. A little temper problem.

Ed: Do you own a video camera?

Renee Madison: No. Fred hates them.

Fred Madison: I like to remember things my own way.

Ed: What do you mean by that?

Fred Madison: How I remembered them. Not necessarily the way they happened.

Ed: Fucker gets more pussy than a toilet seat.

Al: Do you know what I think?

Ed: What is it? What is it that you think?

Al: There is no such thing as a bad coincidence.

Ed: You're a musician?

Fred Madison: Yeah.

Al: What's your axe?

Fred Madison: Tenor. Tenor saxophone. Do you...

Al: [shakes his head and point at his ear] Tone deaf.