Ebby Calvin LaLoosh Quotes in Bull Durham (1988)

Annie Savoy: These are the ground rules. I hook up with one guy a season. Usually takes me a couple weeks to pick the guy - kinda my own spring training. And, well, you two are the most promising prospects of the season so far, so I just thought we should kinda get to know each other.

Crash Davis: Time out. Why do you get to choose?

Annie Savoy: What?

Crash Davis: Why do you get to choose? I mean, why don't I get to choose, why doesn't he get to choose?

Annie Savoy: Well, actually, nobody on this planet ever really chooses each other. I mean, it's all a question of quantum physics, molecular attraction, and timing. Why, there are laws we don't understand that bring us together and tear us apart. Uh, it's like pheromones. You get three ants together, they can't do dick. You get 300 million of them, they can build a cathedral.

[Crash laughs]

Ebby Calvin LaLoosh: So is somebody going to go to bed with somebody or what?

Annie Savoy: Honey, you are a regular nuclear meltdown. You better cool off. Ha ha, ha ha!

[to Crash as he stands up]

Annie Savoy: Oh, where are you going?

Crash Davis: After 12 years in the minor leagues, I don't try out. Besides, uh, I don't believe in quantum physics when it comes to matters of the heart.

Annie Savoy: What do you believe in, then?

Crash Davis: Well, I believe in the soul, the cock, the pussy, the small of a woman's back, the hanging curve ball, high fiber, good scotch, that the novels of Susan Sontag are self-indulgent, overrated crap. I believe Lee Harvey Oswald acted alone. I believe there ought to be a constitutional amendment outlawing Astroturf and the designated hitter. I believe in the sweet spot, soft-core pornography, opening your presents Christmas morning rather than Christmas Eve and I believe in long, slow, deep, soft, wet kisses that last three days.

[pauses then winks and walks away]

Crash Davis: Goodnight.

Annie Savoy: Oh my. Crash...

Ebby Calvin LaLoosh: Hey, Annie, what's all this molecule stuff?

Crash Davis: It's time to work on your interviews.

Ebby Calvin LaLoosh: My interviews? What do I gotta do?

Crash Davis: You're gonna have to learn your clichés. You're gonna have to study them, you're gonna have to know them. They're your friends. Write this down: "We gotta play it one day at a time."

Ebby Calvin LaLoosh: Got to play... it's pretty boring.

Crash Davis: 'Course it's boring, that's the point. Write it down.

Crash Davis: Relax, all right? Don't try to strike everybody out. Strikeouts are boring! Besides that, they're fascist. Throw some ground balls - it's more democratic.

Ebby Calvin LaLoosh: [to himself] What's this guy know anyway? If he's so great how come he's been in the minors for ten years? If he's so good how come Annie wants me instead of him?

Crash Davis: Oh, hey, and another thing, Meat. You don't know shit, all right? If you wanna make it to the bigs, you'll listen to me. Annie only wants you so she can boss you around, got it? So relax! Let's have some fun out here! This game's fun, OK? Fun goddamnit. And don't hold the ball so hard, OK? It's an egg. Hold it like an egg.

Crash Davis: [Mechanized bull noises in background] Well, he really hit the shit outta that one, didn't he?

[laughs]

Ebby Calvin LaLoosh: [softly, infuriated] I held it like an egg.

Crash Davis: Yeah, and he scrambled the son of a bitch. Look at that, he hit the fucking bull! Guy gets a free steak!

[laughs]

Crash Davis: You having fun yet?

Ebby Calvin LaLoosh: Oh, yeah. Havin' a blast.

Crash Davis: Good.

Ebby Calvin LaLoosh: [pause] God, that sucker teed off on that like he knew I was gonna throw a fastball!

Crash Davis: He did know.

Ebby Calvin LaLoosh: How?

Crash Davis: I told him.

Ebby Calvin LaLoosh: [LaLoosh challenged Davis to a fight] I don't hit no man first.

Crash Davis: All right, then...

[throws him a baseball]

Crash Davis: ... hit me in the chest with that.

Ebby Calvin LaLoosh: I'd kill you!

Crash Davis: Yeah? From what I hear, you couldn't hit water if you fell out of a fucking boat.

Ebby Calvin LaLoosh: A good friend of mine used to say, "This is a very simple game. You throw the ball, you catch the ball, you hit the ball. Sometimes you win, sometimes you lose, sometimes it rains." Think about that for a while.

Annie Savoy: Listen, sweetheart, you shouldn't listen to what a woman says when she's in the throes of passion. They say the darndest things.

Ebby Calvin LaLoosh: Yeah, you said "Crash"!

Annie Savoy: Honey, would you rather I were making love to him using your name, or making love to you using his name?

[Crash calls for a curve ball, Ebby shakes off the pitch twice]

Crash Davis: [stands up] Hey! *Hey*!

[walks to meet Ebby at the mound]

Crash Davis: Why are you shaking me off?

Ebby Calvin LaLoosh: [Gets in Crash's face] I want to give him the heat and announce my presence with authority!

Crash Davis: Announce your fucking presence with authority? This guy is a first ball, fast ball hitter!

Ebby Calvin LaLoosh: Well he hasn't seen my heat!

Crash Davis: [pauses] Allright meat, show him your heat.

[Walks back towards the batter's box]

Crash Davis: [to the batter] Fast ball.

Crash Davis: You be cocky and arrogant, even when you're getting beat. That's the secret. You gotta play this game with fear and arrogance.

Ebby Calvin LaLoosh: Right. Fear and ignorance.

Crash Davis: [exasperated] No. You hayseed. It's arrogance not 'ignorance.'

Ebby Calvin LaLoosh: How come you don't like me?

Crash Davis: Because you don't respect yourself, which is your problem. But you don't respect the game, and that's my problem. You got a gift.

Ebby Calvin LaLoosh: What do I got?

Crash Davis: You got a gift. When you were a baby, the Gods reached down and turned your right arm into a thunderbolt. You got a Hall-of-Fame arm, but you're pissing it away.

Ebby Calvin LaLoosh: I ain't pissing nothing away. I got a Porsche already; I got a 911 with a quadrophonic Blaupunkt.

Crash Davis: Christ, you don't need a quadrophonic Blaupunkt! What you need is a curveball! In the show, everybody can hit a fastball!

Ebby Calvin LaLoosh: Well, how would you know? YOU been in the majors?

Crash Davis: Yeah, I've been in the majors.

Ebby Calvin LaLoosh: Ooh, I've heard of stuff like this.

Annie Savoy: Yeah? Have you heard of Walt Whitman?

Ebby Calvin LaLoosh: No. Who's he play for?

Ebby Calvin LaLoosh: Why's he calling me meat? I'm the one driving a Porsche.

Ebby Calvin LaLoosh: [after Ebby didn't listen to Crash, and the ball became a home run] You told him I was gonna throw a deuce, didn't you?

Crash Davis: Yup.

Ebby Calvin LaLoosh: You're playing with my mind.

Annie Savoy: I'm *trying* to play with your body.

Ebby Calvin LaLoosh: I knew it, you're trying to seduce me!

Annie Savoy: Well of course I'm trying to seduce you, for God's sake, and I'm doing a damn poor job of it... Aren't I pretty?

Ebby Calvin LaLoosh: God, I think you're real cute.

Annie Savoy: Cute? Baby ducks are cute, I HATE cute! I want to be exotic, and mysterious!

Ebby Calvin LaLoosh: You are, you're exotic, and mysterious, and... cute... and... That's why I'd better leave.

Crash Davis: What's wrong?

Ebby Calvin LaLoosh: I'm nervous - my old man's here.

Crash Davis: Where?

Ebby Calvin LaLoosh: He's behind home plate - don't look.

Ebby Calvin LaLoosh: [Crash looks and sees Ebby's father who waves] Don't look.

Crash Davis: [Crash waves back] Hey, he's waving. He's just your father, man - he's as full of shit as anybody.

Ebby Calvin LaLoosh: The other day Crash called a woman's pu... pussy... um, well, you know how the hair is kind of in a V-shape?

Annie Savoy: Yes, I do.

Ebby Calvin LaLoosh: Well, he called it the Bermuda Triangle. He said that a man could get lost in there and never be heard from again.

Crash Davis: Did you hit me with your right hand or did you hit me with your left? Huh? Did you hit me with your right hand or did you hit me with your LEFT?

Ebby Calvin LaLoosh: My left.

Crash Davis: Good! That's good; when you get in a fight with a drunk you don't hit him with your pitching hand. God, I can't keep giving you these free lessons so quit screwin' around and help me up.

Clubhouse reporter: So how does it feel to get your first professional win?

Ebby Calvin LaLoosh: It feels out there. I mean, it's a major rush. I mean, it feels radical in kind of a tubular sort of way, but most of all, it feels out there.

Crash Davis: [watching Ebby from across the clubhouse] Hopeless. This is utterly fucking hopeless.

Ebby Calvin LaLoosh: What's he know about fun? I'm young. I know about fun. He's an old man. He don' know nuthin' about fun.

Ebby Calvin LaLoosh: [after giving up another hit] Shit! Piss! Fuck!

Ebby Calvin LaLoosh: [In the dugout after LaLoosh pitches a perfect inning] That was great, huh?

Crash Davis: Your fastball's up, your curveball's hanging. In the Show, they would've ripped you.

Ebby Calvin LaLoosh: Can't you even let me enjoy the moment?

Crash Davis: The moment's over.