E.L. Quotes in Road Trip (2000)

E.L.: Did you kill a cheetah?

E.L.: Did I say two? Better make it three.

E.L.: I thought I told you to mail this yesterday?

Rubin: Yeah, I posted it this morning.

E.L.: [Josh watches for a second, then the reality hits him] OH FUCK!

[Josh scrabbles on the floor for the video]

E.L.: W-w-w-wait a second. Tell me you mailed the Beth tape to Tiffany.

[Josh nods]

E.L.: Yes!

Josh: Shit! Oh, no! Oh, no!

Barry: Hey, hey.

Josh: What?

Barry: Did you make a copy? Because if you made a copy we could watch the copy.

E.L.: Barry, hit the lights. It's boner time!

E.L.: You're already cheating! Anytime you pass up sex, you're cheating on yourself.

E.L.: What else am I supposed to do, stay here and learn?

E.L.: Think about it Josh, you're in college. The window of opportunity to drink and do drugs and take advantage of young girls is getting smaller by the day.

E.L.: Well, there are these rules that guys have, an understanding as to what exactly constitutes cheating. Take your situation for example: it's not cheating. It's never cheating when you're in a different area code, not to mention a different state.

Kyle: That makes no sense.

E.L.: Hey, don't look at me Kyle, OK, I didn't make up the rules.

Rubin: No no, this is legit, I- I've actually read an article about this. There's a whole bunch of them, it's like- they're like loopholes. Right, for argument's sake, let's say that you were sleeping with two girls at the same time, it- it wouldn't be cheating because they would cancel each other out.

E.L.: Exactly. Or if, uh, you're too wasted to remember- it is not cheating. Because if you can't really remember it, it never really took place.

E.L.: [trying to convince Josh to have sex with Beth] Your dick will never forgive you.

[bends down to talk to Josh's dick]

E.L.: What do you think little man? Don't you ever want to experience something new?

[pretends to be Josh's dick with squeaky high pitched voice]

E.L.: It ain't easy beings Josh's penis. Nothing has happened for two months it feels like I'm in a coma. I wish I was your dick EL, because this is torture. If something doesn't happen soon, I'm just going to pack up my balls and leave.

Carla: [answering the phone] Hello?

Josh: Hi Carla, it's Josh. I'm sorry to bother you. Is Tiffany around?

Carla: Tiffany is not here. She didn't sleep here last night, again, and it'd be great if one hour went by where you didn't call.

Josh: Right.

Carla: [Angrily] If she wanted to talk to you, she'd call you. Deal with it.

Josh: [Hanging up the phone frustrated] Bitch.

E.L.: Did she sound hot?

E.L.: Yep. I'd give us about 20 minutes before our first ass-raping.

E.L.: Hey, it's 10 feet. Bob Hope could jump this in his golf cart. See, watch, I can spit across it.

E.L.: Just copy off someone.

Josh: I can't. It's all essay and stuff. You know, if I fail this, my average is shot, I might lose my financial aid, I could not be allowed on campus next semester.

E.L.: Well, you're fucked, then. You might as well come to my party tonight, hook up with Beth, and at least enjoy your last week at college.

Josh: I'm not hooking up with anybody, alright? I've made a commitment to Tiffany. I'm invested in this relationship.

E.L.: Invested? Who are you, Charles Schwab? Would you listen to yourself? I would give my life for one night of consensual sex with her.