Dwight Hartman Quotes in Scary Movie 2 (2001)

Dwight Hartman: Okay, thanks, "Handyman".

Hanson: I'm actually the caretaker. Oh, aren't those cool new skates? Now you be careful with those, you don't want to fall and break something.

Dwight Hartman: Oh, that's funny, that's real funny. Um, let me give you a "hand."

[starts clapping]

Hanson: Why, that's awful kind of you. Why don't you give me a "standing ovation?"

Dwight Hartman: Why don't you "lift me up?"

Hanson: Ha, ok, I see where you're going with this one. You look familiar to me. Were you in "STOMP"?

Dwight Hartman: Hey you can kiss my grits!

Hanson: I think I'll be the bigger man, now, and walk away. "Walk" away.

Dwight Hartman: Heh-hey! Hey there little guy, how are you doing?

Little Bird: Fuck off, four eyes.

Dwight Hartman: H... h... I beg your pardon?

Little Bird: I said: "Fuck off... four eyes"

Dwight Hartman: You know, I oughta kick your ass!

Shorty Meeks: Hey! Hey, hey, hey! Relax, son, it's just a bird. Hi little birdy... Polly want a cracker?

Little Bird: Polly want your momma's sweet ass.

Shorty Meeks: ...what did Polly say to me?

Little Bird: I said: "Polly wants your momma's... sweet ass".

Shorty Meeks: You don't be talking 'bout my momma son, you don't know my momma son!

Little Bird: Yeah, I know your momma, I fucked her last night.

Shorty Meeks: You want beef? I'll fuck you up!

Little Bird: Ooooh! I'm shaking, I'm shaking.

Shorty Meeks: Aw no fuck this, I'm handling this shit like a gentleman, ya'll. Hold my tooth son.

Little Bird: Yeah come on bitch, you and that Kotter's hairstyle wanna piece of me? Come on, bring it on!

Shorty Meeks: What you hardcore? Gimme somethin'!

Little Bird: Lemme outta here, come on pussy. Lemme outta here, I'll fuck you up!

Dwight Hartman: Let's split up.

Brenda Meeks: Uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh UH! Now wait a minute, hold up! How come when anytime this scary shit happens, and we should stick together, you white people always say "let's split up"?

Theo: She's right, we should stick together.

Dwight Hartman: She's right. Okay.

[pointing to the white people in the group]

Dwight Hartman: You three, follow me!

[the three black people are left alone]

Shorty Meeks: Ain't that a bitch.

[the three of them begin to cry]

Brenda Meeks: We gonna die, y'all.

Buddy: Are you okay, Dwight?

Dwight Hartman: I can't... I can't feel my legs...

[pause]

Dwight Hartman: Aaahahaha! I can't feel my legs!

Ray Wilkins: You never could.

Dwight Hartman: Hey... you stay out of this, all right?

Hanson: All right, who's ready for a wing?

Dwight Hartman: Yours or the turkeys?

Hanson: [while reaching out to Dwight who is hanging from the third floor window] Here! Take my hand!

Dwight Hartman: NO! GET IT AWAY FROM ME! Give me your OTHER hand!

Buddy: Hey, Cind.

Cindy Campbell: Hey, Buddy.

Buddy: [punches her in the boob] Open chest! Oh, come on. You gotta be quicker than that A cup.

[Cindy crawls up]

Theo: Hey, guys.

[all the guys say hello and look at her sexually]

Theo: Well, are you boys gonna sit there with your mouths open or is someone gonna offer me a seat?

[everyone pushes their chairs towards her]

Dwight Hartman: [Dwight pushes wheelchair towards her and sits on Ray's leg] I warmed it up for you. It's the best seat in the house.

Ray Wilkins: Second best.

[Ray touches Dwight's hair]

Dwight Hartman: How about I take these two legs... and shove them right up your ass - all the way to the knee.

Dwight Hartman: I know what you thinking. That I fire three shots or a hundred and seventeen? Well, do you feel lucky,

[pause]

Dwight Hartman: punk? Do you

[pause]

Dwight Hartman: feel lucky?

[says faster]

Dwight Hartman: Do you feel lucky, punk?

Hell House Ghost: Shoot me, motherfucker.