Durante Quotes in Hollywood Party (1934)

Knapp: Now, when the Baron arrives, entertain him - the same way you did Bernard Shaw and Professor Einstein.

Durante: You mean make the crumb my house guest?

Knapp: Exactly! And don't forget, the Baron arrives tomorrow.

Durante: Then we'll have to work fast. I'll get a flock of beautiful girls to give him a real African welcome! Then we'll throw the biggest affair since the Boston Tea Party!

Knapp: Jimmy - you're a genius.

Durante: You took the words right out of my mouth.

Durante: [Talking on the phone] Oh, ain't that you, my little white dovie-dovie? How are ya?

The Jaguar Woman: Now listen to me you dirty, big black snake in the bush!

Durante: [Dreaming he is Adam in the Garden of Eden] One, two, three, four, five. There's a rib missing. They promised me a woman for that rib. There's something screwy around here. Where's that beautiful baby doll?

"Eve": [Enters Eve sporting a large schnoz] Oh, Daddy!

Durante: A carbon copy! I've been ribbed!

Knapp: Here's where you come in. Get busy with Mrs. Clemp. Do your stuff!

Durante: You mean, Don Juan?

Knapp: You're better than Don Juan.

Durante: I'm Don Two.

Durante: [after Mrs. Clemp sings "I've Had My Moments"] I'm gonna take ya under my wing and develop ya!

Henrietta Clemp: Do you think my personality and figure will appeal to the public?

Durante: You'll knock 'em for a ghoul, I tell ya! You'll be a double-feature.

Henrietta Clemp: Won't Clemp City be amazed. Maybe I'll be America's Sweetheart!

Durante: You'll be everybody's sweetheart! Your picture will be on every ash can.

Henrietta Clemp: My Dream Producer!

Mrs. Jimmy Durante: What's the matter?

Durante: You frightened me, honey. I was just dreamin'.

Mrs. Jimmy Durante: Why, you've been sleeping an hour. Come on. We'll be late for Lupe's party. Come on, dear.

Durante: Jeanne, tell me, do I look like a horse's head?

Mrs. Jimmy Durante: No, Jimmy. Not like a horse's - head. Come on, toots.

The Jaguar Woman: [Talking on the phone] What's this you giving a party and not inviting me, huh? Answer me that.

Durante: Wait a minute. Wait a minute. You don't have to get sore just because I kicked you outta my last picture! You don't belong to these parties. You get too rough, too involved. Ha-cha!

The Jaguar Woman: Now, let me tell you something. The day I don't play in your pictures any more, Schnarzan will be terrible. What do you think of that, eh? Ha-ha-cha!

[Sticks her tongue out at Durante's photograph]

Durante: [Jimmy goes over to the screen] Here mousy, mousy, mousy, mousy, mousy. Nice mousy, mousy, mousy, mousy.

[picks up Mickey]

Durante: It's Mickey Mouse!

[crowd responds with "Oh, Mickey Mouse."]

Mickey Mouse: Hey you, let go of my tail.

[Mickey pulls his tail out of Jimmy's hand, does a Jimmy Durante imitation]

Mickey Mouse: Ha-cha-cha-cha-cha-cha.

Durante: An impostor, stealing my stuff!

Mickey Mouse: How mortifying, how mortifying!

Durante: The indignity of it, and a guest in my own domicile!

[Mickey punches Jimmy, laughs]

Durante: What impudence! My mansion ain't big enough for the both of us.

Mickey Mouse: Okay pal, you wouldn't throw me out, would you?

Durante: I wouldn't, huh? Watch me.

[catches Mickey by the tail, and throws him to the other side of the screen, Mickey gives Jimmy a raspberry gesture]

Durante: What a game! What a game!

Durante's Butler: I trust you scored, sir?

Durante: You're darn trusted I scored! I hit four "gools" and three players!

[laughs]

Durante: [to his butler] Fetch me my slippers.

Durante: How are you, Knapp? What a day!

[Jimmy sits down]

Knapp: Jimmy, this is getting serious! Your public is turning away from you. They say your lions are moth-eaten, toothless, and half of them have the mange.

Durante: The mange, huh? Well, they didn't get it from me!

[Jimmy's butler starts to pull his polo boots off his feet]

Knapp: But look, something's got to be done on it, look at that.

[Knapp hands Jimmy a newspaper, which he promptly reads]

Durante: Right on the front page.

[mumbles indeterminately to himself]

Durante: What does it say?

Knapp: [reads from the newspaper] "Baron Munchausen arrives in Hollywood tomorrow, with a cargo of wild jungle beasts." Jimmy, this Baron has the greatest bunch of lions in captivity.

Durante: Well, why not get in touch with him and use his lions?

Knapp: That's what I'm leading up to; Buddy Goldfarb may have the same idea about Liondora.

Durante: Liondora! My hated rival.

Knapp: Why not beat Goldfarb and Liondora to it? We've got to get those lions before they do. Now when the Baron arrives, entertain him the same way you did uh... Bernard Shaw, and Professor Einstein.

Durante: You mean: make the crumb my house guest?

Knapp: Exactly, and don't forget: the Baron arrives tomorrow.

Durante: Then we'll have to work fast. I'll get a flock of beautiful girls and give him a real African welcome. Then we'll throw the biggest affair since the Boston Tea Party!

Knapp: Jimmy, you're a genius!

Durante: You took the words right out of my mouth.

Durante: My friends, I welcome you to my humble domicile. Tonight, let us throw all transgression to the winds and enjoy ourselves with absolute infernity!

Durante: [speaking of the Baron] Remember... I want to give him a royal welcome.

Durante: [Durante's butlers bow simultaenously] The Baron is to get the Champagne suite. You take charge of the left wing,

Durante: [to the other butler] You take the right wing.

Durante: I'll take the dark meat.

Baron Munchausen: [singing] I'm going to say, I'm going to...

Female chorus singers: [interrupting the Baron's singing] It's an honor to our nation, to hear your salutation / We have our celebration, in great anticipation

Baron Munchausen: [resumes singing] I want to say, I want to...

Baron Munchausen: [the chorus of ladies resumes singing] No leopards made him shiver, no tigers made him quiver / Down by the Niger River, where lions eat your liver

Baron Munchausen: I want to say, I want to say, oh...

Female chorus singers: [a waltz plays as Jimmy dances with the Baron and the chorus girls resume singing] This greeting's really a sensation, a most magnificent ovation

Baron Munchausen: [resumes singing] I only want to say...

Female chorus singers: [singing] He only wants to say...

Baron Munchausen: [pauses singing] Well, let me say it!

Baron Munchausen: [resumes singing] I only want to say...

Baron Munchausen: [fanfare plays, the Baron pauses singing again] Hello! I fooled you!

Baron Munchausen: [resumes singing] Oh, hello, hello, hello, hel-lo

Female chorus singers: [singing] We are very glad to meet you, and we greet you with hello / Hello, hello, hel-lo.

Durante: [song pauses] Greetings and salutations, Baron! Welcome to my poor house.

Baron Munchausen: [chuckles] Well, who wants to live in a poor house?

Female chorus singers: [singing] Hello forever

Durante: [sings as he shakes the Baron's hand] Hello, forever

Female chorus singers: [song continues] Hello, hello. hel-lo!

Durante: [blushingly after the Baron kisses him on the cheeks] I never knew you cared.

Female chorus singers: [chorus resumes] Hel-lo!

[the guests applaud as the song ends]

Female chorus singers: [fanfare plays as song starts] This is a holiday, no melancholy day / This is a jolly day / To welcome the Baron, who came from the Congo today

Durante: Wait a minute! Wait a minute!

Durante: [sings] Why, the Baron is coming to say hello,

Female chorus singers: Hello

Durante: Just hello,

Female chorus singers: Hello, hello, hello

Durante: Not hello, hello, hello, but halloo

Female chorus singers: Halloo

Durante: Say, he won't say "howdy-doo", "miss me babe", or "how are you" / "Press the flesh, old thing" or "Cheerio", or say "How's tricks" or "there" or "hi-de-ho" / Not "Wie geht, mein freund" or "mazel tov", "Bonjour" or any high-hat stuff,

Durante: [spoken] What a lingust, what a linguist!

Durante: [song resumes] By now, you ought to know, the Baron's going to say hello,

African tribesmen chorus: A goona goona, a trader horna / Good afternoon-a, or is it morn-a? / Here's the Baron, kicking King Kong around /

Female chorus singers: What's he gonna say, what's he gonna say?

African tribesmen chorus: He's coming here to say hello,

Female chorus singers: Oh no,

African tribesmen chorus: That scootin' tootin sof-of-a-gun from Africa / That prevaricating second-to-none from Africa / He's going to say

Female chorus singers: He's going to say

Baron Munchausen: [a gorilla carries the Baron in his arms] I'm going to say

Baron Munchausen: [song pauses] And so we're here. It has been a long walk, but we're here, ha-ha. Schnarzan, I bring you the most ferocious ape ever captured in the valleys of Africa, he is the son of King Kong. His name is Ping Pong. Now let Papa down. Pingie, go to Schnarzan.

Durante: Knapp.

Knapp: Jimmy, well?

Durante: Everything is gonna be okay, I gave the Baron the Royal suite.

Knapp: That's the idea; treat him right, and you'll get the lions, and your future's insured.

Knapp: [lion roars from inside his pen] Now that's what I mean. Imagine the kick your public will get when they see you fighting a lion like that. Teeth that can bite, claws that can rip. What a kick when they see you with your head right in his very jaws!

Durante: [gasps] He might break my neck!

Knapp: There's the thrill of it! I'm willing to take any risk to make a big picture. Why, you'll be the season's sensation! Every newspaper will print your name.

Durante: [disgustedly] Yeah, in the obituary column!

Durante: Let's stroll.

Scientific Pedant: What about Mendelism?

Scientific Pedant: But from the Neanderthal man to the Cardiff giants, it has been an absolute theory!

Scientific Pedant: You are speaking pragmatically.

Scientific Pedant: Peripetatically.

Scientific Pedant: In spite of all that, you still insist that Huxley's theory is authentic?

Scientific Pedant: Most emphatically, I do.

Durante: [Jimmy rises from his chair] I differ.

Durante: [background music starts to play] Doing some research work for the Smithsonian Institute, I was called in consultation by Professor Ebbleworth, that eminent philantherist who had heard what I did for Einstein and his relatives. Professor Ebbleworth says "Jimmy, I need you. I want to consult with you about a subject which has baffled all the scientists of the world: namely reincarnation." Not the carnation I'm wearing so jauntily in my buttonhole, no. Not the carnation of a king, but reincarnation, a ponderous question.

[chuckles]

Durante: Professor Ebbleworth and me, being the only two guys who knows the lowdown - What is reincarnation, you mugs? You earthworms, you incompoops, you chuckleheads? Last night, with my head on my lacy pillow, I was a man dreaming I was a butterfly, sipping the sap from flower to flower, just like a little butterfly. I had butterfly worries, butterfly desires, just a man dreaming I was a butterfly. How do I know now that I'm not a butterfly, dreaming that I'm a man? Wait, I can see myself now:

Durante: [sings] I go way back to Adam, Adam and his madam, Boys, I was Adam!

Baron Munchausen: [singing] I'm going to say, I'm going to...

Female chorus singers: [interrupting the Baron's singing] It's an honor to our nation, to hear your salutation / We have our celebration, in great anticipation

Baron Munchausen: [resumes singing] I want to say, I want to...

Female chorus singers: [the chorus of ladies resumes singing] No leopards made him shiver, no tigers made him quiver / Down by the Niger River, where lions eat your liver

Baron Munchausen: I want to say, I want to say, oh...

Female chorus singers: [a waltz plays as Jimmy dances with the Baron and the chorus girls resume singing] This greeting's really a sensation, a most magnificent ovation

Baron Munchausen: [resumes singing] I only want to say...

Female chorus singers: [singing] He only wants to say...

Baron Munchausen: [pauses singing] Well, let me say it!

Baron Munchausen: [resumes singing] I only want to say...

Baron Munchausen: [fanfare plays, the Baron pauses singing again] Hello! I fooled you!

Baron Munchausen: [resumes singing] Oh, hello, hello, hello, hel-lo

Female chorus singers: [singing] We are very glad to meet you, and we greet you with hello / Hello, hello, hel-lo.

Durante: [song pauses] Greetings and salutations, Baron! Welcome to my poor house.

Baron Munchausen: [chuckles] Well, who wants to live in a poor house?

Female chorus singers: [singing] Hello forever

Durante: [sings as he shakes the Baron's hand] Hello, forever

Female chorus singers: [song continues] Hello, hello. hel-lo!

Durante: [blushingly after the Baron kisses him on the cheeks] I never knew you cared.

Female chorus singers: [chorus resumes] Hel-lo!

[the guests applaud as the song ends]

Durante: Reincarnation works in wondrous ways. Back in the American Revolutionary days in 1775, hardly a man is now alive, not even you old buzzards.

Durante: I was, I was, uh...

[a fife plays "Yankee Doodle" as villagers call out "Paul Revere, Paul Revere, Paul Revere, Paul Revere!"]

Paul Revere: Good old horse, how many more miles have you got left in your system?

Durante: [as Paul Revere's horse with Jimmy Durante's face, nose and voice] I got a million!

[horse neighs]

Durante: [Jimmy laughs and sings] Put... that underneath your hatter / A man has more lives than a catter / Why, those episodes in my career / Are just a demonstration of / Three little words / Re - In- Carnation, hotcha!

Durante: [Mickey Mouse claps his hands and an animated piano and stool appear; Mickey starts to play the piano] Hey Mickey, cut out them adagios, and play something down to the level of these mugs!

Singer of "The Hot Chocolate Soldiers"]: ["The Hot Chocolate Soldiers" starts to play] Look at the brave hot chocolate soldiers, marching away to war / Followed by more hot chocolate soldiers, fresh from the candy store / Look at the band that's going with them, look at the drums they've got / Marching in syncopated rhythm, rhythm that makes them hot / Here they come, here they come / With a candy fife and a chocolate drum / Here they come, here they come / With their tummies full of rum / Look at those lovely chocolate ladies, giving a parting sigh / Tillies and Flos and Kates and Sadies / Throwing a kiss good-bye / Listen to me, hot chocolate soldier, hide from the flaming sun / Don't get too hot, hot chocolate soldier / Till the battle's won

Singer of "The Hot Chocolate Soldiers"]: They're off to fight the Battle of Vanilla / Over there, over there / They cross the streams and mountaintops / And through the fields of lollipops / It's war, it's war, the popguns roar / From trenches made of candy sack / They'll bomb the foe with crackerjack / They're off to fight those great big gingerbread men / Then they'll come marching home

Henrietta Clemp: How can I ever repay you? Why, if there's anything you want, just ask for it.

Durante: Anything?

Henrietta Clemp: Anything.

Durante: Then get your husband to give me those lions! I gotta get some lions to fight with, it's my career! I must find a lion to replace Anatole!

Henrietta Clemp: Anatole?

Durante: [points to a lion-skin rug] That's Anatole. I owe my success to him, he was the first lion I ever conquered with my bare fists. I beat him to a rug. Anatole, he charged me from behind a tree, I gave the famous Schnarzan call, and then... and then I leaped. I got him by the throat. It was me and the lion.

Durante: [picks up the lion skin rug] I gave him the jungle ji-jitsu,

Henrietta Clemp: Wow!

Henrietta Clemp: Then Anatole... was a dead cat. It was another Schnarzan triumph, just another chapter in my memory book. I have no fear of man, woman, nor beast; that's the way of the Durantes.

Henrietta Clemp: And after you cornered Anatole, what did you do?

Durante: I gave him a chance to rest, and then I pounced on him again -

[One of the lions shows up in the room]

Henrietta Clemp: Aah!

Durante: Egad! You brute, I'm double crossed! Oww!

[Jimmy and the lion wrestle down the staircase]

Durante: [Jimmy lands at the bottom of the stairs with the lion on top of him] Ow! You big brute! Ouch! Wait till I get on top! I'll mangle you from bone to bone!

Durante: [Jimmy stands up and wrestles the lion] There's no room for both of us! Ouch! Ouch! Ow!