Duncan Quotes in The Last of the Mohicans (1992)

Duncan: There is a war on. How is it you are headed west?

Hawkeye: Well, we kinda face to the north and real sudden-like turn left.

Duncan: You are defending him because you've become infatuated with him!

Cora Munro: Duncan, you are a man with a few admirable qualities, but taken as a whole, I was wrong to have thought so highly of you.

Colonel Munro: And how am I to know it wasn't a raid by thieves?

Hawkeye: The cabin was attacked by a war party fighting with the French. They're sweeping south along the frontier attacking farms and Mohawk villages, all the men are stuck here.

Colonel Munro: I need proof more convincing than this man's opinion before I weaken the fort's defenses by releasing the militia.

Jack Winthrop: Chingachgook had the same opinion about the raid; taken together that's gospel. Your fort will stand or fall depending on Webb's reinforcements, not the presence of the Colonials.

Colonel Munro: I judge military matters here, not you.

Hawkeye: Your judgment is not more important than their right under agreement with Webb to defend their farms and families. Major Hayward was there, he was at John Cameron's, he saw what it was.

Colonel Munro: What exactly did you see Major?

Duncan: [glancing at Cora] I saw nothing that would lead me to the conclusion that it was other than a raid by savages bent on thievery.

Hawkeye: You're a liar.

Colonel Munro: [as Duncan lunges for Hawkeye] Major!

[to Hawkeye]

Colonel Munro: Montcalm is a soldier and a gentleman, not a butcher.

Hawkeye: Easy for you to suppose, it's their women and children on the farms, not yours!

Colonel Munro: You forget yourself, sir.

Jack Winthrop: We're not forgetting Webb's promise.

Colonel Munro: British promises are honored. And the militia will not be released, because I need more definite proof than this man's word.

Jack Winthrop: Nathaniel's word's been good on thie frontier a long time before you got here.

Colonel Munro: This meeting is over, the militia stays.

Jack Winthrop: Does the rule of English law no longer govern? Has it been replaced by absolutism?

Hawkeye: If English law cannot be trusted maybe these people would do better making their own peace with the French.

Duncan: That is sedition!

Hawkeye: That is the truth.

Duncan: I'll have you beaten from this fort!

Hawkeye: Someday, I think you and I are going to have a serious disagreement.

Colonel Munro: Anyone fomenting or advocating the leaving of Fort William Henry will be hung for sedition. Anyone actually CAUGHT leaving will be shot for desertion. Now my decision is final. Get out!

Duncan: And who empowered these colonials to pass judgement on England's policies, and to come and go without so much as a "by your leave"?

Cora Munro: They do not live their lives "by your leave"! They hack it out of the wilderness with their own two hands, bearing their children along the way!

Duncan: You there, Scout! We must rest soon, the women are tired.

Magua: No, two leagues, better water. We stop there.

Duncan: No, we'll stop in the glade just ahead. When the ladies are rested, we will proceed. Do you understand?

Magua: [speaking Huron] Magua understands that the white man is a dog to his women. When they are tired, he puts down his tomahawk to feed their laziness.

Duncan: Excuse me, what did you say?

Magua: Magua say... he understand the English very well.

[Duncan aims a pistol at Hawkeye]

Hawkeye: Haven't you got anything better to do on the lake today, Major?

Duncan: [puts away his pistol] When you fall back into English hands I'll have you hanged!

Hawkeye: Take me!

Duncan: [as he is being forced away] My compliments, sir! Take her and get out!

Cora Munro: Duncan! What are they doing to Duncan?

Duncan: [after Uncas spooks the horses to chase them off] Why is he loosing the horses?

Hawkeye: Why don't you ask him?

Uncas: Too easy to track; they'd be heard for miles. Find yourself a musket.

Robin Hood: You're King Richard's cousin. You can give word to him of Nottingham's plans. He would believe you.

Marian: If the sheriff found out, I could lose all that I have.

Robin Hood: But will you do it for your king?

Marian: No. I'll do it for you.

[She kisses him and gets on the boat. They look at each other intensely as the boat leaves]

Duncan: He fancies you, my Lady. I may be blind, but there are some things I still see.

Duncan: Curse those Moors and Saracens. If it wasn't for their ungodly ways, master Robin would never have left. What manner of name is Azeem? Irish, Cornish?

Azeem: Moorish.

Duncan: Point me towards danger, Azeem, I'm ready!

Duncan: Mmm... good food.

Teela: I wonder why they put the meat on these little white sticks?

Duncan: Those are rib bones.

Teela: [pauses in shock] You mean this used to be an animal?

Duncan: [continues eating] Mm-hmm.

Teela: Ugh! What a barbaric world...

Duncan: Never think while your hungry.

Teela: I *think* we've wasted enough time. We'd better get back to our sectors.

Gwildor: It tasted good...

He-Man: When we find the Key, Gwildor will set the coordinates for Grayskull. We'll use the element of surprise...

Duncan: Oh, sure! We'll drop right into the throne room, fight off two or three thousand of Skeletor's crack troops, break into the force field and free the Sorceress.

He-Man: Right!

Sorceress: Julie, keep this with you, and Eternia will always be near.

[gives Julie a glowing blue crystal]

Julie Winston: Thank you. He-Man, Teela, Man-At-Arms...

Teela: Don't say goodbye. Say Good Journey.

Duncan: It is an old Eternian saying. Live the journey, for every destination is but a doorway to another.

Julie Winston: Good Journey.

Skeletor: Your wonderous Sorceress will die!

Duncan: You dare threaten her life?

Skeletor: I dare anything! I am Skeletor! Throw down your weapons and pledge yourselves to me! Or you will join her!

He-Man: It's not her you want, it's me. It's always been between us.

Skeletor: Silence!

He-Man: [preparing to face Skeletor's commandos] How do you feel?

Duncan: I'm feeling a little hungry.

Kevin Corrigan: [imitating sounds to remember correct tones] Wait a minute, I've got it, I've got it.

Gwildor: That's it. That's it! How did you do that?

Kevin Corrigan: I don't know, if I hear a tune a couple of times I can usually remember it. Besides it had a good hook, I was going to use it in one of my songs.

Gwildor: Songs? Why didn't you tell me you were a song maker? Are you a master? Yes, yes you are; I know that. That's why the fates brought us here. The final chord, Kevin. 20 metrons poleward... Pull it out of the air for us.

Kevin Corrigan: Look you've got the wrong song maker, Gwildor; I'm just a stupid keyboard player in a high school band. There's a million of me.

Gwildor: Only one of you, Kevin; only one of anybody.

Duncan: Listen to me, boy. In half a chromon, we're not going to have a sorceress to go home to. So if you know how to do something with that thing, then you do it.

Teela: What are you doing here?

Duncan: An old soldier learns to follow his nose.

Teela: Father, you're always hungry.

Duncan: I'm not always hungry! During the Siege of Crim, I went for thirty days...!

Teela, Duncan: Without rations.

Skeletor: Everything comes to he who waits. And I have waited so very long for this moment.

He-Man: Let her go.

Skeletor: I don't think so. No. While she remains inprisoned within this field, her powers increase my own. And when the moon reaches its zenith, the Great Eye will open and all the powers of Grayskull will be bestowed upon me. Your wondrous Sorceress will die!

Duncan: You dare threaten her life?

Skeletor: I dare anything! I am Skeletor. Throw down your weapons and pledge yourselves to me or you will join her.

He-Man: It's not her you want. It's me. It's always been between us.

Skeletor: Silence!

Evil-Lyn: [Evil-Lyn sees Gwildor using the extra cosmic key] It's the locksmith. The little vermin has another key!

Skeletor: What? No. Kill him!

Bill Robinson: You really going after Deke, man?

Duncan: Yeah.

Bill Robinson: Look here, how many fingers you see, huh? Eight? Twelve?

Duncan: Okay, so I got a little double vision, but it's clearin' up Bill. I gotta find my boy! I gotta! Anything could be goin' on out there! Chrissakes!

Hendershot: You leave here without punching out... and you ain't never gonna have to punch out again, Bubba.

Duncan: Good! You leave me alone you fat fuck!

Hendershot: [grabs him] Why you...

Bill Robinson: Don't! Leave him alone.

Hendershot: Or what?

Bill Robinson: Or I'll knock your teeth in... Bubba!

Duncan: There's a fine line between luck and skill.

Nicholas "Nick" Roth: In fact, there's no line at all.

Duncan: Now that we've thanked our foot soldier for the invaluable work contributed here today, please dismiss yourself.

Claire Kelsky: Fuck you!

Duncan: You know the boss and I have some important financial matters to discuss. Numbers? You know, things you wouldn't understand.

Duncan: [sighs] It's nice to see you, Kitty.

[pause]

Duncan: Now we haven't spoken for a while. How was your day?

[Kitty shrugs]

Duncan: [speaking as if he were Kitty] It was fine, Duncan. I mean it was just like yesterday and the day before that. So, slowly I work up the courage to run away, but I never get quite enough courage to run really far away. And then someone is sent, and I'm brought back, and I'm noticed by the boss, but it's only to punish me for running away because how does that reflect on him?

[tears well up in Kitty's eyes as Duncan continues]

Duncan: And then I'm back to sitting in my niche and bettering myself with books that no one I know can possibly appreciate. I find myself hating them... more... and more... until I think... umm, maybe it's time to run away again.

[Kitty sniffles]

Duncan: Now that sounds like a bad day, Kitty.

Duncan: He's dead.

[feeling for a pulse on the neck of the bagman]

Nicholas "Nick" Roth: Of course he is.

[having shot the bagman]

[the Boss sighs, and then pulls a large pair of shears out of his desk drawer]

The Boss: No, I don't think you fully appreciate your position here. 'Cause if you did, you'd be spilling your guts and praying to God that I kill you quick before I crush your balls like harvest grapes.

Joseph Koo: Oh God, please don't! It wasn't supposed to go this way!

Duncan: [calmly] Wrong, Koo. I think it WAS supposed to go this way.

[pause]

Duncan: Somebody sent you out in public knowing you'd get picked up. You've been set up. Now I know you're scared, but listen carefully, your situation has changed. You are going to be tortured more heinously than you can conceive of by the man behind this desk.

[pause]

Duncan: Only one way to avoid that.

[pause]

Duncan: Only one way out.

[pause]

Duncan: Whattaya gonna do?

Duncan: I got a payroll makes the Pentagon look like a nickel and dime operation. And you guys are getting fat in the sun; playing cards, telling jokes. Great! I'd like to refresh your memories: you were hired to give me some protection, a little peace and quiet. I got half this town on the payroll - cash, hard cash. To get blasted by a couple of maniacs? Well, money won't buy you brains. Get out! Out!

Kirk: [to Duncan at the pool when he sees Harry] Is that our boy?

Duncan: That's him... But it's gotta be clean.

Kirk: Only way to fly.

[Kirk jumps in the pool, and drowns Harry]

Brutus: You took my nads!

Duncan: We only took one.

Brutus: You took my nads Dennis!

Duncan: There's no art to find the mind's constuction in the face.

Owen: You disappoint me, kid. You're late. You planning on making a habit of this?

Duncan: What?

Owen: You're fired!

Duncan: But I just...

Owen: [sticks out his hand] You make a valid point. Welcome back. With benefits.

Duncan: How long have you been working there?

Owen: Oh, the park? Um, I've always been there. Ever since I was a small Cambodian child. Of course, that was after 'Nam. I was in the shit. Then I joined the circus to become a clown fighter. I know about 46 ways to kill a clown. I hate clowns. I'm kidding except for the part where I really do hate them.

Owen: [in mock seriousness] I'm afraid I'm gonna have to ask you to leave.

Duncan: What?

Owen: Yeah, you're going to have to take off. I'm getting complaints. You're having way too much fun. It's making everyone uncomfortable.

Duncan: Okay.

[walks away from picinic table where he has been sitting alone]

Owen: Hey, hey! Whoa, whoa. I'm just kidding. Wow! That wasn't even my best stuff. Are you for real? Listen, I can tell you're in complete awe of our picnic table. It is one-of-a-kind, except for the 200 other ones here that are exactly like it. There is more to the park to be seen.

Duncan: Don't die wondering, man.

Duncan: How's the battle going?

Peter: [Playing with Star Wars action figures] Luke and Leia are hooking up.

Duncan: You know they're brother and sister, right?

Peter: Yeah.

Duncan: Cool.

Duncan: I wish I could stay here forever.

Owen: You're going to love the winters. They're pretty spectacular. Painting houses until it gets too cold, bar backing at some dive, talking to inanimate objects.

Duncan: I'm serious.

Owen: Yeah, so am I. There's a whole world out there for you, Duncan. Don't settle. Not yet.

Owen: Seriously, when's the last time you bought jeans?

Duncan: My mom buys my jeans.

Owen: Good. Always take things literally. How's that working out for you? Does that get you laid?

Susanna: So. You're a big fan of REO Speedwagon?

Duncan: What?

Susanna: Can't Fight This Feeling?

Duncan: Oh, no. My mom must have put that on there.

Susanna: Oh. And you just got to it and thought "what the hell?" I'm going to sing the shit out of it anyway.

Owen: [uncharacteristically lost for words] Well... faster conversations.

Duncan: [hugs Owen] Thank you. For everything.

Pam: Where were you Duncan?

Duncan: Nowhere.

Pam: That's a long time to be nowhere?

Duncan: Well that's where I was!

Duncan: This is the only place I'm happy.

Owen: What's going on?

Duncan: I hate him.

Owen: Who?

Duncan: Trent. My mom's boyfriend. He said I was a three. He asked me what I thought I was on, a scale from one to ten. He called me a three. Who says that to somebody?

Owen: Someone who doesn't know you.

Duncan: I didn't want to have to answer! I shouldn't have to answer!

Owen: Listen to me. That's about him, man. That's all about him. It's got nothing to do with you.

Duncan: [vehemently] Yeah? How do you know?

Owen: 'Cause I know, okay? Don't worry about how I know. My dad was the same way. That's why I don't like patterns and rules. And that's why you can't buy into that shit. You gotta go your own way. And you, my friend, are going your own way.

Owen: Throw your bike in the back.

Duncan: [politely] No. You don't have to.

Owen: [chuckling] Come on.

Duncan: Yeah?

Owen: Yeah.

Duncan: [hesitating] No, it's too much trouble.

Owen: Duncan, we've got to start having faster conversations. Throw your bike in the back.

[Duncan starts moving pink-colored girl's bike into back of car]

Owen: I'd help you out, but I got my hands on the wheel. Giving you a ride, I think that's enough. Where did you get that? The princess collection? Hey, easy, easy! The car's just the right amount of shitty.

Duncan: [referring to Pam's uncharacteristic behavior earlier] My mom doesn't smoke pot.

Duncan: Yeah. That's the power of this place. It's like spring break for adults.

Trent: [in overbearing tone] What... what don't you know? How you see yourself? You don't have any opinion?

[no response from Duncan]

Trent: I'm just asking. Pick any number, scale of one to ten. Just shout it out. Just say a number.

Duncan: [reluctantly] A six.

Trent: A what?

Duncan: A six!

Trent: I think you're a three. You know why I think you're a three? You know what would make me say that?

Duncan: [morosely] No.

Trent: You don't know? You have no idea?

Duncan: No.

Trent: You've got to speak up, buddy.

Duncan: No!

Trent: Since I've been dating your mom, I don't see you putting yourself out there, bud. Meeting kids your own age. And from what your mom tells me, you just seem content to hang around her apartment. Is that a fair assessment? You're just happy not do anything? 'Cause... damn, to me that is a three.

[Steph watches Susanna kisses Duncan. Duncan finds a chance to pay Steph back for calling him perv]

Duncan: What are YOU staring at, perv?

[Duncan talks with Susanna. Owen and Roddy see him, and are impressed. Owen talkes via the PA system]

Owen: Please report to the Administrative Offices International. Duncan, please report to the Administrative Offices International. I have to announce it over the PA as my voice won't carry that far. My throat suffered major damage during an intense make-out session with Lewis' mom. She has a forked tongue and a touch of the herpes.

Lewis: [annoyed] I don't have a mom. I have two dads. In your face.

Owen: Hurry, hurry.

Duncan: [to Sussanna] Hold on a second.

[Susanna nods. Duncan approaches Owen and Roddy]

Owen: Please. Hurry up. This is pressing, pressing. Urgent. I can't tell you how pressing. You can't fathom how pressing. How's it going? What's up? Did you need something?

Duncan: No.

Owen: Who's that, big guy?

Duncan: Just a girl.

[Owen and Roddy chuckle]

Roddy: You stallion, you!

Duncan: I don't know. She's older than me.

[Owen and Roddy are even more impressed]

Roddy: So... what are you doing over here talking to us and not over there, sealing the deal with that cougar?

Duncan: [smiles] Well, maybe, Roddy, if you guys hadn't called me over here...

Owen, Roddy: [chuckle] Oooo!

[Duncan returns to Susanna]

Owen: [talks on the PA system] Return to your lady friend. Duncan, please return to your lady friend. Please let her know that this conversation was entirely about her. In other news, this is very awkward for you.

Susanna: I'd avoid the clams if I were you. They're one of the many casualties of my father's absence.

Duncan: Oh.

[then puts a single clam on his plate]

Duncan: Just because your mom will see my plate.

Susanna: Well, it's your funeral.

Duncan: Ever since I was a little boy, I've dreamed of being the final girl.

Duncan: If this is a dream, then there's a very strong chance that my dad's gonna come up to us naked and offer us some pecan pie. But don't take any. It is not pecan pie!

Duncan: What did you pack, Tina?

Tina: The basics. Bikini, mouthwash, diaphragm.

Duncan: I wonder if all this blood is just corn syrup, you know? Like these characters are walking around with just corn syrup in their veins. You know? Let's give it a shot here.

[Duncan rubs blood from Mimi's corpse and licks his finger]

Duncan: Oh, God. No, that is, um... That is not corn syrup. That is... Oh God, that's blood.

Duncan: The sequel is so much cooler than the original!

Duncan: Camp Bloodbath is like the granddaddy of all campsite slasher films, okay. Amazing production design, insane music, over-the-top acting. It's a cult classic!

[the kids find themselves living inside of the old slasher movie that they were watching]

Duncan: Okay. So, we're in the movie.

Max Cartwright: Uh-huh. How do we get out of here?

Gertie Michaels: Yeah, I like that question. That is a really, really good question. Duncan, can you answer that question, please?

Duncan: What are you talking about? It's 1986! Our homes don't exist yet, they're probably just landfills waiting to be turned into crappy subdivisions. WE don't exist yet. I know for a fact my parents haven't met because I was an unplanned child.

Vicki Summers: I am glad that you die!

Kurt: What?

Duncan: Nothing! What she meant to say was that we all die eventually. Technically, we start dying the moment we're born.

Duncan: The Bathematicians were so excited when I told them that Amanda Cartwright's daughter was my sister's best friend.

Gertie Michaels: Stepsister.

Duncan: Why would you say that? That's so hurtful.

Chris Briggs: What are Bathematicians?

Duncan: Camp Bloodbath fans. It's kind of our awesome nickname.

Gertie Michaels: Did you know that a nickname immediately becomes uncool when you give it to yourself?

Duncan: Matt, look at yourself. Your life is shit. You're hiding out in a fuckin' storage room.

Duncan: She says to me "You look like Lionel Ritchie."

Neil: Well, that's great, isn't it?

Duncan: No. That's not great. That's not good.

[Blade is trying to teach Duncan how to talk slang]

Duncan: Did you hear me? I said that was stupid.

Blade: Did you hear me? I said, "Thanks."

Duncan: Are you deaf?

Blade: [misunderstood as "def"] Man, I'm the defest brotha on this block!

Duncan: YOU'RE deaf?

Blade: [still misunderstood as "def"] That's right.

Duncan: [turns head] I think Blade Brown is the biggest asshole on the planet.

[Blade smacks Duncan upside the head]

Duncan: Hey! You're not deaf!

Blade: See, the way I look at it is if you gonna be Blade Brown, you gotta know where Blade Brown comes from, you know what I'm sayin'?

Duncan: I thought you crawled out from under a rock.

Blade: [Blade pulls off his gold tooth cap] Here, take this.

Duncan: That's not hygienic!

Blade: I'll give you hygienic! Take it!

Duncan: [Duncan puts gold tooth cap on] Oh yeah, fits like a charm.

Blade: Only one more thing we got to take care of.

Duncan: What's that?

Blade: [Blade points to Duncan's hair] That.

Duncan: Excuse me!

Blade: I said I'm sorry.

Duncan: Oh. That's what I thought you said.

Duncan: Looks like we've got a long night of cocaine ahead of us.

Duncan: Our most consistent customer has Alzheimer's!

Jason: Mrs. Kimmel does not have Alzheimer's!

Duncan: She bakes fifty pies a day for her dead husband. Most of the pies are filled with soap.

Jason: We are mature and legitimate detectives.

Kelly: What the hell is that smell?

Duncan: I drank dog urine.

Jason: Ah, cinnamon sticks!

Charlie: Ah, Chinese checkers!

Duncan: Fuck! Yeah, that's right. I've been saying "fuck". Going in the backyard and trying it out.

Duncan: Sorry I'm late, everybody. My science teacher says my thesis needs to prove something... but I think listing all the dinosaurs proves there was a lot of dinosaurs.

Duncan: We're keeping evidence from the police, okay? We could go to jail! You know what happens in jail? No T.V.!

Duncan: I'm in the mood for love, simply because they're naked.

Duncan: You know, I mostly get your basic dorks around here. They seem to gravitate towards me... I don't know why!

Allison: I'm Amaretto, not really, and I will be your waitress for this evening guys. So what can I get for you?

Duncan: I would like a slow, comfortable, screw.

Duncan: Say, babe, what time do you get off?

Waitress: 2.30

Duncan: Can I watch?

Jackie: Oh, my God, the basement! I forgot there's a window in there! Give me that poker!

Diane: Jackie, you're not going down there!

Duncan: Besides, they're tongs!

Duncan: [about his fading relationship with Wendy] Maybe I was too clingy... or too laid back... or maybe I never really stood any bloody chance in the first place!

Duncan: [about Olive] Did she like any of the place we'd been together? Did she like ME? I had no idea what she wanted!

Duncan: As my next girlfriend's influence spread across my flat, one thing was clear: Rhona and I were very different. And to begin with, I rather liked the exotic additions she made to my life. But at some point, we would have to deal with the fact that our tastes were not the same.

[Making out with Natalie, Duncan sees her toy elephant Guppy staring at her]

Duncan: WHAT?

Guppy: [talking] What's wrong?

Duncan: Well, what d'you mean?

Guppy: Ah, you're not into it. What's up?

Duncan: I can't help thinking...

Guppy: Don't THINK, just get on with it!

Duncan: I'm trying to, but all sorts of stuff's spinning around my head!

Guppy: Look, mate, take my advice: you just got to switch THIS off!

[points at his head]

Guppy: D'you think I would be able to do this if I thought about it? Huh? Do you, huh?

[walks on air, then thinks about what he just did and falls with a holler]

Duncan: I know, but it's all a bit...

Guppy: [climbing on the bed] A bit quick, yeah! Yeah, a little bit too easy?

Duncan: I suppose.

Guppy: Then this was so easy for you, and EVERY OTHER...

Duncan: I don't want to think about THAT, but I can't help it!

Guppy: Well then, you've got to stop!

Duncan: What?

Guppy: Yeah, yeah, just stop immediately! Tell her that you respect her far too much to continue having sex with her!

Duncan: Really?

Guppy: COURSE NOT, YOU MUPPET! Just enjoy it!

Duncan: Okay. Thanks, Guppy.

Guppy: Don't mention it.

[Duncan takes Gemma to Paris]

Duncan: I had planned the perfect weekend: a first-class trip to Paris; our own chauffeur on standby for three days; an executive suite in a five-star hotel with comforts and amenities you couldn't possibly imagine, it even had a balcony with stunning views across the city. I pulled every string I could to get a window seat at a three-star Michelin restaurant. I somehow managed to get two tickets to her favourite opera. I even bought a twilight trip down the Seine with music, champagne, the works!... And you know what? The minute we arrived I knew it was going to be a fucking disaster.

[last lines]

Duncan: So one day I decided, I wasn't going to play this game anymore. I didn't understand the rules, and the injuries were just too painful.

[while watching TV with his new stereo system, Duncan is interrupted by his downstairs neighbor]

Duncan: And then I met Angela.

[first lines]

Duncan: [writing] Dear Wendy, Olive, Rhona, Natalie and Gemma. I hope you're happy. If that sounds sarcastic, it was meant to. What you've collectively done to me...

[gets a new pen]

Duncan: What you've collectively done to me...

[gets another pen]

Duncan: What you've collectively done to me is quite an achievement. Four years ago, I was happy to believe in a very simple concept. You might have heard of it, it's called LOVE. But thanks to the five of you, I now know that love is a lie, a myth specifically concocted to bring me as much pain and misery as possible. Wendy: were you ever really that interested in me, or was I merely a holiday while you and him went through a dull patch? Olive: almost everything I told you was a lie. Sorry about that. Rhona: who'd you think I was? If I was that wrong for you, then you really should have paid more attention at the start. Natalie: okay, so I know I've had enough of this one, but did you really want ME, or just someone? And Gemma: what should I say to you? I suppose I should forgive you. This is a suicide note, after all. Okay, I forgive you. But I don't want that to make you feel any better... I'm sure you'll all find someone. You might even think you're in love, but don't kid yourselves: we're all just playing out scenes we've seen in films, the only difference is that our stories have depressing endings. When real people walk towards a sunset, no music swells, no credits roll - they just get to the end of the beach, have a row, and walk back to the car. And that's depressing! In fact after reading this, you might feel your only option is to join me! And that's the one thing I wouldn't blame you for. Bye then: Duncan.

[Gemma grieves for Duncan after hearing he committed suicide]

Duncan: All right, so it didn't end like that...

[the film rewinds]

Duncan: I'd actually only taken twenty amphetamine Vitamin C tablets, which was lucky because it suddenly dawned upon me how unsatisfying suicide is. All I wanted to do was make a point, but why make such a scene if you're not around to witness the result? If you don't get to see the reactions of those you try to affect, commit suicide and you're too dead to get pleasure from it!

Duncan: I threw myself into work. How refreshing to think about just ME for once, about what I wanted. No longer did I have to worry about whether she'd like this film, or what time she wanted to be wherever in the morning. In fact, who needed this love thing anyway? Hadn't it just brought me anguish and pain? After all, I'm not the first one to try and make sense of love. There's been centuries of analysts, preachers, gurus and writers who've tried, and did they find a solution, an answer to the mystery of most peoples' emotional lives?

Duncan: It's not our sort... It's not your sort... What I mean is... A bit of robbery these days, I mean, you can't tell.

Vic Dakin: We're being very erudite today, aren't we? Bit of blazing eloquence there.

Webb: Here's Benny now. He can tell you.

Duncan: He's only pulled. He's only pulled a bird. I'd give her one.

Duncan: That's a nice dog you got there, Ken. A friend had one like it. It got run over... a few times.

[Udo spies Duncan cooking sausage and peppers on the stove]

Udo Cropa: What's that smell?

Duncan: Huh?

Udo Cropa: What's that smell?

Duncan: I stink.

Duncan: I'm here to kick your ass, and you know it, and everybody here knows it, and above all, you deserve it. In fact, I think it's safe to say that this party is about to become a historical fact.

Duncan: [walking into Hardy's party] It must be a hen house, because all I see is chicken shit.

Duncan: We're gonna bring this party up to a nice respectable level. Don't worry, we're not gonna hurt anyone. We're not even gonna touch 'em. We're just gonna make 'em cry a little, just by lookin' at 'em.

Duncan: This is what my girlfriend would look like without skin.

Duncan: I think it's safe to say that this party is about to become a historical fact.

Old man: Look what they're driving. Damn hippies, creeps!

Duncan: Some welcoming committee.

Jessica: I don't think they like our mode of transportation.

Woody: Look at those bandages. I think these guys are left over from the Civil War.

[to the old men]

Woody: It's cheaper than a station wagon!

[They drive off, laughing]

Old man: Good riddance.

Duncan: Is there anyplace around here where I could sell antiques, furniture?

Old man: If there was a place, I sure wouldn't tell you.

Woody: [Jessica and Duncan are trying to communicate with the Girl in white, who is mute, when Woody shows up] What's that?

Jessica: She led me to the body.

Woody: What's the matter with her?

Jessica: She knows who killed that man!

Woody: What man?

Duncan: [exasperated] I don't know.

Jessica: You don't believe me. You don't think there's anything strange going on.

Duncan: I think it's... it's all strange.

Duncan: One scrub girl, needed immediately!

Duncan: I can't believe it. Krants is dead!

Kyle: Don't get your hopes up too soon!