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Duke Forrest Quotes:

  • Trapper John: Well, what's the matter with her today?

    Hawkeye Pierce: I don't know, I think it's one of those ladies' things.

    Trapper John: It's not like her to act like this. She's a bitch, look at my new flannel coat. She's going to have a nervous breakdown.

    Hawkeye Pierce: She can't even get out of the door, look.

    [Hawkeye sits down with Frank]

    Hawkeye Pierce: Morning, Frank. Heard from your wife? A bunch of the boys asked me to, uh, ask you, Frank, what Hot Lips was like in the sack. You know, was she...

    Frank Burns: Mind your own business.

    Hawkeye Pierce: No Frank, you know, is she better than self-abuse? Does that- does that big ass of hers move around a lot, Frank or does it sort of lie there flaccid? What would you say about that?

    Duke Forrest: What's Going on over there, is he getting pointers or something?

    Trapper John: Oh no, Hawkeye's trying to get him on an appearance tour.

    Duke Forrest: Ohhhh, is that a fact?

    Hawkeye Pierce: Would you say that she was a moaner, Frank? Seriously Frank. I mean, does she go "ooooh" or does she lie there quiet and not do anything at all?

    Frank Burns: Keep your filthy mouth to yourself.

    Hawkeye Pierce: Or does she go "uh-uh-uh"?

    [Frank leaps over the table and attacks Hawkeye]

    Hawkeye Pierce: Get him off me! I've got glasses. Get him off me!

    Duke Forrest: What's going on, Frank? That lesson one?

    Hawkeye Pierce: Frank Burns has gone nuts! I'm wearing glasses, for God's sake!

    Trapper John: Watch out for your goodies, Hawkeye! That man is a sex maniac; I don't think Hot Lips satisfied him. Don't let him kiss you, Hawkeye!

  • Duke Forrest: Dammit, Henry, Frank Burns is a menace! Every time a patient croaks on him he says it's "God's will" or somebody else's fault.

    Hawkeye Pierce: Yeah, and this time he blamed it on some kid who was stupid enough to belive him.

  • Duke Forrest: [as Frank Burns is being taken away in a straight jacket by the MPs] Now, fair's fair Henry. If I nail Hotlips and hit Hawkeye can I go home too?

  • Colonel Blake: You men just passing through?

    Duke Forrest: I was just enjoying that lovely dish there.

    [Refferring to Lt. Dish]

    Colonel Blake: Captain, you are speaking about a lieutenant in the United States Army. And I'm Colonel Blake.

    Duke Forrest: Oh, Colonel. I'm Duke Forrest. Your new cutter. And that's my driver over there...

    Hawkeye Pierce: Captain Hawkeye Pierce.

    [whistles]

    Colonel Blake: Captain Hawkeye Pierce. I got a TWX about you. It seems you stole a Jeep up at headquarters.

    Hawkeye Pierce: Oh no no, no, sir, I did not steal a Jeep. No, it's, uh, right outside. Right there.

    Colonel Blake: Oh, so it is. Captain Forrest, don't you know that when you report to your new duty station, you go to your commanding officer with a copy of your orders?

    Duke Forrest: Uh, Captain... Pierce, is it? Captain Pierce and me have just been boozing all day and...

    Colonel Blake: Good. Good. You've been working close to the front.

  • Hawkeye Pierce: [Hawkeye and Duke barge in] Henry, you've got to do something. We've stuck it out for a whole week now.

    [to Duke, gesturing to Lt. Leslie]

    Hawkeye Pierce: Pretty girl, ain't she?

    Duke Forrest: Yeah. She's the type that really grows on ya.

    Colonel Blake: Uh, what is it, men?

    Hawkeye Pierce: That sky pilot. You have got to get him out of our tent.

    Colonel Blake: YOUR tent?

    Duke Forrest: Yeah get that nurse in there. She don't look like the type to keep you awake all night prayin'.

    Colonel Blake: I've been in the Army a long time. I know what you fellas are trying to pull, but you're not going to push me around.

    Hawkeye Pierce: Henry, not for the world would I push you around. But look there is one more thing: we need a chest cutter.

    Duke Forrest: Yeah, we gotta get an A1 chest cutter in here right away, Henry, or we're gonna be in a hell of a lot of trouble.

    Colonel Blake: Forget it. No MASH unit has a chest surgeon, and we're not about to get one. You guys are gonna have to go in to work early today.

    Hawkeye Pierce: Boy, Henry, you work those kind of hours, you really need your rest, and you can't get it with a sky pilot jabbering to Heaven all night...

    Colonel Blake: Major Burns will be out of your tent in 24 hours.

    Hawkeye Pierce: Henry, there is just one more thing...

    Colonel Blake: I told you Major Burns will be out of your tent in 24 hours!

    Hawkeye Pierce: A chest cutter.

    Colonel Blake: Nope.

    [sighs]

    Colonel Blake: I'll try, damn it. You can't ask any more than that.

  • Duke Forrest: What color was her hair?

    Trapper John: Black, shiny. Shiny black hair.

    Duke Forrest: Black. You like black, huh? I'm kinda partial to blondes myself.

    Hawkeye Pierce: I knew it. I knew you had a - - had an attraction for Hotlips Houlihan.

    Trapper John: Hear, hear.

    Duke Forrest: Go to Hell, Captain Pierce. You know I damn near puke every time I look at her. 'Sides, I'll bet she's not a real blond.

    Hawkeye Pierce: How dare you say that about an officer of the United States Army, sir.

    Duke Forrest: I'll not only say it, but I'll back it with twenty bucks, how's that?

    Hawkeye Pierce: You have yourself a bet, sir.

    [to Trapper]

    Hawkeye Pierce: You're my witness.

    Trapper John: I'll be a witness, but who's going to be the poor schmuck who finds out?

    Duke Forrest: We... We gotta all see it together. Somehow.

  • [Trapper has just opened a can of Pabst Blue Ribbon beer]

    Hawkeye Pierce: I see you are a beer drinker, sir. Would you care for a martini?

    Trapper John: A martini? Yeah, I'd love a martini.

    Hawkeye Pierce: [to Ho-Jon] Ho-Jon, get the gentleman a martini.

    [to Trapper]

    Hawkeye Pierce: I'm sure you will find them satisfactory. They're quite dry.

    [sips from his glass]

    Trapper John: Don't you guys use olives?

    Duke Forrest: Olives? Where in the hell do you think we are, man?

    Hawkeye Pierce: We have had to make certain concessions for the war; we ARE three miles from the front line.

    Trapper John: Yes, but you really can't savor a martini without an olive, you know.

    [reaches into coat pocket and pulls out a jar of cocktail olives, while Hawkeye and Duke stare dumbfounded]

    Trapper John: You see, otherwise, it just doesn't... quite... make it.

    [he drops the olive into the glass on the last word]

  • Duke Forrest: [In O.R] I can't stop that bleeding down there.

    [to Dish]

    Duke Forrest: Is that true what I hear about you? Get me a clamp. Get me a clamp.

    Lt. Maria 'Dish' Schneider: Captain Pierce, did you call me?

    Hawkeye Pierce: No, I didn't, and my name is Hawkeye.

    Duke Forrest: I can't really see it. It's like the Mississippi River down there. Doesn't feel like it's in one piece, I can tell you that much. It's gotta come out of there. Give me some more of that gauze.

    Hawkeye Pierce: Nurse, you got a clamp?

    Lt. Maria 'Dish' Schneider: Yes.

    Hawkeye Pierce: Scratch my nose. A little harder.

  • Father John Patrick 'Dago Red' Mulcahy: [the camp is listening to Frank Burns and Hot Lips fooling around over the radio] Is this 'The Bickersons'? I love them.

    Duke Forrest: Who?

    Father John Patrick 'Dago Red' Mulcahy: The Battling Bickersons. I love them.

    [Duke gives him a bewildered look]

  • Colonel Blake: I'm tired of you guys trying to run this outfit. This time there's going to be disciplinary action.

    Duke Forrest: What're you gonna do, Henry?

    Colonel Blake: Well, I had planned to name Trapper Chief Surgeon, to consult on your shift and Frank's.

    Duke Forrest: That's damn good thinking.

    Colonel Blake: Yeah, but now I can't do it for at least a week. If I promote Trapper to chief surgeon after what our new head nurse saw, she'll be screaming from Washington to Seoul.

    [beat]

    Colonel Blake: Isn't there any coffee in this place?

  • Trapper John: [In O.R] Dish, let me have a long needle holder.

    Duke Forrest: [Mulcahy is performing the last rites on a casualty] Hey, Dago! Dago! Dago, I want you over here to hold this retraction. Now! Please, come on, now!

    Father John Patrick 'Dago Red' Mulcahy: Sorry, I'm coming.

    Hawkeye Pierce: Hi, Dago.

    Duke Forrest: I'm sorry, Dago, but this man is still alive and that other man is dead, and that's a fact. Can you hold it with two fingers, Dago? Hell... Where the hell... Do ya see it?

  • Duke Forrest: What's this here?

    Frank Burns: This is Ho-Jon, one of our mess hall boys. I'm teaching him how to read.

    Duke Forrest: Oh, is that right? You reading the Bible, huh? That's nice. Look, I'll tell you what, I got a book here. It's got alot of pictures in it.

    [Gives Ho Jon a nudie magazine]

    Duke Forrest: I think it's easier to read when you look at pictures. A little adventure in pictures.

    Ho-Jon: May I leave now, Major?

    Frank Burns: Sure, Ho-Jon.

  • Frank Burns: What's that?

    Duke Forrest: That's a martin-eye, Frank.

    Hawkeye Pierce: Finest kind. We're training Ho Jon to be a bartender. Would you care to embribe, sir?

    Frank Burns: I don't drink.

    Hawkeye Pierce: Jesus Christ, I think he means it.

    Duke Forrest: I think we've been had, Hawkeye.

    Hawkeye Pierce: I think you're right, babe.

    Frank Burns: I don't think it's right to involve a boy who's not seventeen years old yet.

    Duke Forrest: Hey you make a mean martini there, Ho Jon. You keep it up, you hear?

    Hawkeye Pierce: [Frank begins praying] You ever catch this syndrome before, babe?

    Duke Forrest: No, not with anyone beyond the age of eight years old, I haven't.

  • Hawkeye Pierce: Frank, were you on this religious kick at home, or did you crack up over here?

    Duke Forrest: How long does this go on, Frank?

    Frank Burns: It gets longer all the time. Now I have your soul to pray for, and Captain Pierce's.

  • Hawkeye Pierce: Duke?

    Duke Forrest: [in the middle of a brain operation with Spearchucker] Uh... what is it?

    Hawkeye Pierce: Henry's got our orders. We can go home.

    Duke Forrest: Right now?

    Spearchucker: Anytime! Whenever we want.

    Spearchucker: [to Duke] You mind if we get out of this guy's brain first?

  • Colonel Blake: [In the mess tent. Hawkeye and Duke stroll in and help themselves] Who are those men? Friends of yours, Murrhardt?

    Capt. Murrhardt: No, sir, first time I ever seen them.

    Capt. Bandini: Maybe those are the replacements.

    Colonel Blake: Oh don't be silly. We're expecting some real sharp surgeons.

    Capt. Bandini: I guess they just got separated from their unit and are looking for something to eat.

    Colonel Blake: They got a hell of a nerve coming in here, eating our food.

    [Hawkeye and Duke sit down beside Lt. Dish]

    Duke Forrest: [Sitting beside Lt. Dish, who is speaking to her friends] I think I'm in love. Uh,

    [raises voice]

    Duke Forrest: Uh, you see, the truth is, Lieutenant, I don't have anything to do tonight. I just got in to town and, uh, well, I thought maybe you could show me around.

    Hawkeye Pierce: Captain, I think if you will notice the lieutenant's beautiful hand, she is definitely married.

    Colonel Blake: Well I'm the commanding officer and I'm going to get to the bottom of this.

    Capt. Murrhardt: Boy, Bandini, they're eating in here because they want to.

  • Duke Forrest: [Hawkeye stands beside a Jeep. Duke assumes he is the driver] Uh, 4077 M*A*S*H?

    Hawkeye Pierce: This is the Jeep, yeah.

    Duke Forrest: [Sets in his bag then gets in] 'Kay, let's go, boy. Get my other bag.

    Hawkeye Pierce: Yes, sir. Yes, sir.

  • Hawkeye Pierce: Here we are, Officer's Mess. Perhaps you'd like to come in and take a small repast?

    Duke Forrest: I don't think I could eat after that ride you just gave me.

  • Duke Forrest: [holds up a piece of toast dripping creamed chipped beef] You forgot your shingle, doctor.

  • Trapper John: But Hawkeye, that man has five times the man power to draw than we do.

    Hawkeye Pierce: Sure, so we get ourselves a ringer, right? We get Henry to apply, making a specific application for a neurosurgeon. He asks for Dr. Oliver Harmon Jones.

    Duke Forrest: Dr. Oliver Harmon Jones...

    Trapper John: Oh... who is...

    Duke Forrest: Who the hell is Oliver Harmon Jones?

    Hawkeye Pierce: Better known as "Spearchucker" Jones.

    Trapper John: He's a good ball player?

    Duke Forrest: Oh yeah. He's that nigra that played for the 49ers. He's good. He's GOOD.

  • Spearchucker: I want to make sure the oozing is checked before I close up.

    Duke Forrest: Damn perfectionist.

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