Duke Forrest Quotes in
Duke Forrest Quotes:
Trapper John: Well, what's the matter with her today?
Hawkeye Pierce: I don't know, I think it's one of those ladies' things.
Trapper John: It's not like her to act like this. She's a bitch, look at my new flannel coat. She's going to have a nervous breakdown.
Hawkeye Pierce: She can't even get out of the door, look.
[Hawkeye sits down with Frank]
Hawkeye Pierce: Morning, Frank. Heard from your wife? A bunch of the boys asked me to, uh, ask you, Frank, what Hot Lips was like in the sack. You know, was she...
Frank Burns: Mind your own business.
Hawkeye Pierce: No Frank, you know, is she better than self-abuse? Does that- does that big ass of hers move around a lot, Frank or does it sort of lie there flaccid? What would you say about that?
Duke Forrest: What's Going on over there, is he getting pointers or something?
Trapper John: Oh no, Hawkeye's trying to get him on an appearance tour.
Duke Forrest: Ohhhh, is that a fact?
Hawkeye Pierce: Would you say that she was a moaner, Frank? Seriously Frank. I mean, does she go "ooooh" or does she lie there quiet and not do anything at all?
Frank Burns: Keep your filthy mouth to yourself.
Hawkeye Pierce: Or does she go "uh-uh-uh"?
[Frank leaps over the table and attacks Hawkeye]
Hawkeye Pierce: Get him off me! I've got glasses. Get him off me!
Duke Forrest: What's going on, Frank? That lesson one?
Hawkeye Pierce: Frank Burns has gone nuts! I'm wearing glasses, for God's sake!
Trapper John: Watch out for your goodies, Hawkeye! That man is a sex maniac; I don't think Hot Lips satisfied him. Don't let him kiss you, Hawkeye!
Duke Forrest: Dammit, Henry, Frank Burns is a menace! Every time a patient croaks on him he says it's "God's will" or somebody else's fault.
Hawkeye Pierce: Yeah, and this time he blamed it on some kid who was stupid enough to belive him.
Duke Forrest: [as Frank Burns is being taken away in a straight jacket by the MPs] Now, fair's fair Henry. If I nail Hotlips and hit Hawkeye can I go home too?
Colonel Blake: You men just passing through?
Duke Forrest: I was just enjoying that lovely dish there.
[Refferring to Lt. Dish]
Colonel Blake: Captain, you are speaking about a lieutenant in the United States Army. And I'm Colonel Blake.
Duke Forrest: Oh, Colonel. I'm Duke Forrest. Your new cutter. And that's my driver over there...
Hawkeye Pierce: Captain Hawkeye Pierce.
Colonel Blake: Captain Hawkeye Pierce. I got a TWX about you. It seems you stole a Jeep up at headquarters.
Hawkeye Pierce: Oh no no, no, sir, I did not steal a Jeep. No, it's, uh, right outside. Right there.
Colonel Blake: Oh, so it is. Captain Forrest, don't you know that when you report to your new duty station, you go to your commanding officer with a copy of your orders?
Duke Forrest: Uh, Captain... Pierce, is it? Captain Pierce and me have just been boozing all day and...
Colonel Blake: Good. Good. You've been working close to the front.
Hawkeye Pierce: [Hawkeye and Duke barge in] Henry, you've got to do something. We've stuck it out for a whole week now.
[to Duke, gesturing to Lt. Leslie]
Hawkeye Pierce: Pretty girl, ain't she?
Duke Forrest: Yeah. She's the type that really grows on ya.
Colonel Blake: Uh, what is it, men?
Hawkeye Pierce: That sky pilot. You have got to get him out of our tent.
Colonel Blake: YOUR tent?
Duke Forrest: Yeah get that nurse in there. She don't look like the type to keep you awake all night prayin'.
Colonel Blake: I've been in the Army a long time. I know what you fellas are trying to pull, but you're not going to push me around.
Hawkeye Pierce: Henry, not for the world would I push you around. But look there is one more thing: we need a chest cutter.
Duke Forrest: Yeah, we gotta get an A1 chest cutter in here right away, Henry, or we're gonna be in a hell of a lot of trouble.
Colonel Blake: Forget it. No MASH unit has a chest surgeon, and we're not about to get one. You guys are gonna have to go in to work early today.
Hawkeye Pierce: Boy, Henry, you work those kind of hours, you really need your rest, and you can't get it with a sky pilot jabbering to Heaven all night...
Colonel Blake: Major Burns will be out of your tent in 24 hours.
Hawkeye Pierce: Henry, there is just one more thing...
Colonel Blake: I told you Major Burns will be out of your tent in 24 hours!
Hawkeye Pierce: A chest cutter.
Colonel Blake: Nope.
Colonel Blake: I'll try, damn it. You can't ask any more than that.
Duke Forrest: What color was her hair?
Trapper John: Black, shiny. Shiny black hair.
Duke Forrest: Black. You like black, huh? I'm kinda partial to blondes myself.
Hawkeye Pierce: I knew it. I knew you had a - - had an attraction for Hotlips Houlihan.
Trapper John: Hear, hear.
Duke Forrest: Go to Hell, Captain Pierce. You know I damn near puke every time I look at her. 'Sides, I'll bet she's not a real blond.
Hawkeye Pierce: How dare you say that about an officer of the United States Army, sir.
Duke Forrest: I'll not only say it, but I'll back it with twenty bucks, how's that?
Hawkeye Pierce: You have yourself a bet, sir.
Hawkeye Pierce: You're my witness.
Trapper John: I'll be a witness, but who's going to be the poor schmuck who finds out?
Duke Forrest: We... We gotta all see it together. Somehow.
[Trapper has just opened a can of Pabst Blue Ribbon beer]
Hawkeye Pierce: I see you are a beer drinker, sir. Would you care for a martini?
Trapper John: A martini? Yeah, I'd love a martini.
Hawkeye Pierce: [to Ho-Jon] Ho-Jon, get the gentleman a martini.
Hawkeye Pierce: I'm sure you will find them satisfactory. They're quite dry.
[sips from his glass]
Trapper John: Don't you guys use olives?
Duke Forrest: Olives? Where in the hell do you think we are, man?
Hawkeye Pierce: We have had to make certain concessions for the war; we ARE three miles from the front line.
Trapper John: Yes, but you really can't savor a martini without an olive, you know.
[reaches into coat pocket and pulls out a jar of cocktail olives, while Hawkeye and Duke stare dumbfounded]
Trapper John: You see, otherwise, it just doesn't... quite... make it.
[he drops the olive into the glass on the last word]
Duke Forrest: [In O.R] I can't stop that bleeding down there.
Duke Forrest: Is that true what I hear about you? Get me a clamp. Get me a clamp.
Lt. Maria 'Dish' Schneider: Captain Pierce, did you call me?
Hawkeye Pierce: No, I didn't, and my name is Hawkeye.
Duke Forrest: I can't really see it. It's like the Mississippi River down there. Doesn't feel like it's in one piece, I can tell you that much. It's gotta come out of there. Give me some more of that gauze.
Hawkeye Pierce: Nurse, you got a clamp?
Lt. Maria 'Dish' Schneider: Yes.
Hawkeye Pierce: Scratch my nose. A little harder.
Father John Patrick 'Dago Red' Mulcahy: [the camp is listening to Frank Burns and Hot Lips fooling around over the radio] Is this 'The Bickersons'? I love them.
Duke Forrest: Who?
Father John Patrick 'Dago Red' Mulcahy: The Battling Bickersons. I love them.
[Duke gives him a bewildered look]
Colonel Blake: I'm tired of you guys trying to run this outfit. This time there's going to be disciplinary action.
Duke Forrest: What're you gonna do, Henry?
Colonel Blake: Well, I had planned to name Trapper Chief Surgeon, to consult on your shift and Frank's.
Duke Forrest: That's damn good thinking.
Colonel Blake: Yeah, but now I can't do it for at least a week. If I promote Trapper to chief surgeon after what our new head nurse saw, she'll be screaming from Washington to Seoul.
Colonel Blake: Isn't there any coffee in this place?
Trapper John: [In O.R] Dish, let me have a long needle holder.
Duke Forrest: [Mulcahy is performing the last rites on a casualty] Hey, Dago! Dago! Dago, I want you over here to hold this retraction. Now! Please, come on, now!
Father John Patrick 'Dago Red' Mulcahy: Sorry, I'm coming.
Hawkeye Pierce: Hi, Dago.
Duke Forrest: I'm sorry, Dago, but this man is still alive and that other man is dead, and that's a fact. Can you hold it with two fingers, Dago? Hell... Where the hell... Do ya see it?
Duke Forrest: What's this here?
Frank Burns: This is Ho-Jon, one of our mess hall boys. I'm teaching him how to read.
Duke Forrest: Oh, is that right? You reading the Bible, huh? That's nice. Look, I'll tell you what, I got a book here. It's got alot of pictures in it.
[Gives Ho Jon a nudie magazine]
Duke Forrest: I think it's easier to read when you look at pictures. A little adventure in pictures.
Ho-Jon: May I leave now, Major?
Frank Burns: Sure, Ho-Jon.
Frank Burns: What's that?
Duke Forrest: That's a martin-eye, Frank.
Hawkeye Pierce: Finest kind. We're training Ho Jon to be a bartender. Would you care to embribe, sir?
Frank Burns: I don't drink.
Hawkeye Pierce: Jesus Christ, I think he means it.
Duke Forrest: I think we've been had, Hawkeye.
Hawkeye Pierce: I think you're right, babe.
Frank Burns: I don't think it's right to involve a boy who's not seventeen years old yet.
Duke Forrest: Hey you make a mean martini there, Ho Jon. You keep it up, you hear?
Hawkeye Pierce: [Frank begins praying] You ever catch this syndrome before, babe?
Duke Forrest: No, not with anyone beyond the age of eight years old, I haven't.
Hawkeye Pierce: Frank, were you on this religious kick at home, or did you crack up over here?
Duke Forrest: How long does this go on, Frank?
Frank Burns: It gets longer all the time. Now I have your soul to pray for, and Captain Pierce's.
Hawkeye Pierce: Duke?
Duke Forrest: [in the middle of a brain operation with Spearchucker] Uh... what is it?
Hawkeye Pierce: Henry's got our orders. We can go home.
Duke Forrest: Right now?
Spearchucker: Anytime! Whenever we want.
Spearchucker: [to Duke] You mind if we get out of this guy's brain first?
Colonel Blake: [In the mess tent. Hawkeye and Duke stroll in and help themselves] Who are those men? Friends of yours, Murrhardt?
Capt. Murrhardt: No, sir, first time I ever seen them.
Capt. Bandini: Maybe those are the replacements.
Colonel Blake: Oh don't be silly. We're expecting some real sharp surgeons.
Capt. Bandini: I guess they just got separated from their unit and are looking for something to eat.
Colonel Blake: They got a hell of a nerve coming in here, eating our food.
[Hawkeye and Duke sit down beside Lt. Dish]
Duke Forrest: [Sitting beside Lt. Dish, who is speaking to her friends] I think I'm in love. Uh,
Duke Forrest: Uh, you see, the truth is, Lieutenant, I don't have anything to do tonight. I just got in to town and, uh, well, I thought maybe you could show me around.
Hawkeye Pierce: Captain, I think if you will notice the lieutenant's beautiful hand, she is definitely married.
Colonel Blake: Well I'm the commanding officer and I'm going to get to the bottom of this.
Capt. Murrhardt: Boy, Bandini, they're eating in here because they want to.
Duke Forrest: [Hawkeye stands beside a Jeep. Duke assumes he is the driver] Uh, 4077 M*A*S*H?
Hawkeye Pierce: This is the Jeep, yeah.
Duke Forrest: [Sets in his bag then gets in] 'Kay, let's go, boy. Get my other bag.
Hawkeye Pierce: Yes, sir. Yes, sir.
Hawkeye Pierce: Here we are, Officer's Mess. Perhaps you'd like to come in and take a small repast?
Duke Forrest: I don't think I could eat after that ride you just gave me.
Duke Forrest: [holds up a piece of toast dripping creamed chipped beef] You forgot your shingle, doctor.
Trapper John: But Hawkeye, that man has five times the man power to draw than we do.
Hawkeye Pierce: Sure, so we get ourselves a ringer, right? We get Henry to apply, making a specific application for a neurosurgeon. He asks for Dr. Oliver Harmon Jones.
Duke Forrest: Dr. Oliver Harmon Jones...
Trapper John: Oh... who is...
Duke Forrest: Who the hell is Oliver Harmon Jones?
Hawkeye Pierce: Better known as "Spearchucker" Jones.
Trapper John: He's a good ball player?
Duke Forrest: Oh yeah. He's that nigra that played for the 49ers. He's good. He's GOOD.
Spearchucker: I want to make sure the oozing is checked before I close up.
Duke Forrest: Damn perfectionist.
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