Dude Quotes in Rio Bravo (1959)

[discussing Colorado Ryan]

Dude: Is he as good as I used to be?

John T. Chance: It'd be pretty close. I'd hate to have to live on the difference.

John T. Chance: [Referring to Colorado] It's nice to see a smart kid for a change.

Stumpy: Yeah, he ain't like the usual kid with a gun.

Dude: Wonder if he's as good as Wheeler said?

John T. Chance: I'd say he is.

John T. Chance: I'd say he's so good, he doesn't feel he has to prove it.

[last lines]

Stumpy: You think I'll ever get to be a sheriff?

Dude: Not unless you mind your own business.

[Stumpy cackles]

Dude: I quit, John. I quit.

John T. Chance: All right, quit. Nobody's trying to stop you. You wanna quit, quit! Go back to the bottle, get drunk. One thing, though. The next time someone throws a dollar into a spittoon, don't expect me to do anything about it. Just get down on your knees and get it.

[Dude angrily backhands Chance]

Dude: I'm... sorry.

John T. Chance: Sorry don't get it done, Dude. That's the second time you hit me. Don't ever do it again.

Pat Wheeler: [Chance needs help to fight Burdette and his men] What about my drivers? You could use them.

John T. Chance: Supposing I got 'em. What'd I have? Some well-meaning amatuers, most of 'em worried about their wives and kids. Burdette has 30 or 40 men, all professionals. Only thing they're worried about is earning their pay. No, Pat. I'd just be giving them more targets to shoot at. A lot of people'd get hurt. Joe Burdette isn't worth it. He isn't worth one of them that'd get killed.

Pat Wheeler: Then what are you gonna do? All you got for help is that old man down at the jail and this...

[indicating Dude]

Dude: [Spanish for drunk] Borrachon's the name, Mr. Wheeler. I'll step outside so you can talk more freely.

Dude: I will do whatever it takes to get the fuck out of Paradise! Anything! Anything!

Uncle Dave: Ok. Take me up the ass.

[Akward silence]

Uncle Dave: Just kidding!

Blither: [Dude has just seen the decapitated heads on some spikes] I see you noticed the heads. Motivational. Those are every fucking bastard I had to climb over to get this job.

Dude: [Shocked] Jesus...

Blither: [laughs] Foul. They're paper mache. Heh-

[to Recorder]

Blither: He thought they were real.

[chuckles; then, to Dude]

Blither: Sit down.

[Dude sits down as he notices one of the 'fake heads' bleeding]

Blither: Let's get started. Now, I hope you don't mind the recording. We're gonna use it as training later.

[Dude is struggling to sit straight on a seemingly broken chair as Blither is telling him this]

Blither: What the fuck is wrong with you?

Dude: Uh, it's, uh, the chair is...

Blither: [Interrupting] Alright, we're on a time clock. So let's get started, alright?

Dude: Alright. Well... so, uh, I'm here for the job, sir.

Blither: [looking through Dude's resume] Right, you're a factory worker.

Dude: I WAS a factory worker, but the factory got closed down. So, I got laid off.

Blither: I have interviewed fifteen other people for this job. What makes you think you're better than them?

Dude: Well, I don't know if I am better than them...

Blither: Well, god damn it, pal! If you want this job, you better reach out and grab it! You better put those fucking heads on the wall!

[pause]

Blither: You know what? Fuck it, let's go to questions.

Recorder: What is your greatest strength?

Dude: Uh... I'm a really good team player.

Recorder: Wrong.

[Types for a while]

Recorder: What is your greatest weakness?

Dude: Uh, I'd say I work too hard.

[chuckles]

Recorder: Wrong.

[Types again]

Recorder: How would you move a mountain using only a spoon?

Dude: A spoon?

Recorder: If you were in a box, how would you think outside it?

[Dude starts to think of an answer]

Recorder: Wrong.

[Types again]

Recorder: Last question: What is the difference between a duck?

Dude: [Long awkward pause] And...

[Another pause; Dude is waiting for more to the question, but nothing. Then, Dude stands up in frustration]

Dude: What the hell is wrong with you people? A wha- a duck? I don- I came here for a job! A JOB! As far as I know, that job has nothing to do with a cocksucking, motherfucking DUCK!

Blither: [after a long pause] Congratulations, pal. You're our leading candidate. How does it feel?

Dude: [Surprised] It feels good?

Blither: No, no, no. How does it feel, huh? How does it feel? I mean, how does it feel to put fucking fifteen heads on that wall? I'll tell you how it feels! It feels fucking great, doesn't it? It feels fucking great.

[Starts making pelvic thrusts]

Dude: [Excited] So, I got it! I got the job!

Blither: Oh, hell no. No, no, no, this is just a getting-to-know-you interview. We still have some more, uh, one hundred and twenty? Yeah, some more candidates, but hell of a start, though.

Officer Greg: Citizens of this great nation... town. Watch out for this psychopathic deranged killer also known as...

Officier John: [whispers to Greg] Postal Dude.

Officer Greg: Postal Dude.

[mutters to John]

Officer Greg: Is that the best you could come up with?

[to crowd]

Officer Greg: Postal Dude! He's wanted for kidnapping, a shootout at the social welfare office, the assassination of Candidate Wells...

Officier John: [whispers to Greg] And the killing of a Chinese woman.

Officer Greg: And he killed a poor, innocent, old Chinese lady. If you have seen him...

Dude: Ever had one of those days?

Mob Member: No.

[looks at the Postal Dude]

Mob Member: Hey! Hey! It's the Postal Dude!

Dude: Get away!

[runs away]

Mob Member: [to the Mob] After him!

Officer Greg: [looks at the Postal Dude's picture were he got long hair] No, that's not him. Do you see his hair at the sides? This guy looks like Jesus.

[as the Postal Dude flees from the Mob he arrives Habib's Lucky Ganesh where Habib and Nassira are cleaning the windows and jaywalk from Candidate Wells' blood]

Dude: Shit! Shit!

[points to the mob as he hides behind the door]

Mob Leader: Follow me! I know where he is!

[Habib points into the store]

Dude: Thanks.

[runs into the store and hides behind the counter]

Mob Leader: Hey, what direction did he go?

[Habib points to the street]

Mob Leader: That way!

[runs with the rest of the mob into the direction Habib showed him]

Nassira: Why did you help him?

Habib: Do you want to clean the windows again?

Panhandler: [See's Dude walking by] Hey, yo, pal! Come here! Help me out with a few bucks.

Dude: I don't... I don't have any money.

[starts to walk away]

Panhandler: No, I'm serious! I need a few bucks to take a bus ride to see my kids!

Dude: [Stuttering] I don- I don't ha- I'm sorry. I don't have any money!

[Starts to walk away again]

Panhandler: Hey, get over here! Come here! Come here! COME HERE!

[Dude turns around]

Panhandler: Get the fuck outta here! I'm sick and tired of people like you! You got a good job! You got a big car! You got everything and I got nothing! Well, fuck you! And fuck anybody that even LOOKS like you! Get the fuck outta here!

[Dude runs away]

Panhandler: Fuckin' knock you out, pal!

Cooter: [noticing the dog poo in Dude's yard] Feces in the yard. That's a violation of trailer park ordinance #101-40.

Dude: [to Dude's dog as it's eating the poop he's scraping off] Stop eating the poop!

Cooter: I'll add that to the list.

Dude: Oh, the list? Oh, great! What else? What else you got on the list?

Cooter: Ordinance #143-11; yesterday around lunchtime. Now, I don't care what you two do in your own bedroom, but ordinance #143-11 says if I hear your nude love making after 10 AM, I get to file grievance against your sorry ass which is exactly what I'm gonna do!

Dude: Oh, oh, okay! Well, at least I wasn't born from my sister, you inbred hick! Oh, and for your information, hillbilly, I wasn't even here yesterday afternoon!

Cooter: ...

[chuckles]

Dude: I hate this town...

[walks away]

Dude: [Holding up a detonator while everyone is shooting at him] Bomb!

[Shooting fades]

Dude: Big bomb-that-could-take-out-a-whole-city-block bomb!

[Shooting stops]

Dude: Do I have your attention?

[pause]

Dude: What's wrong with you people? You're all busy trying to blow up the world in the name of God! Newsflash, fucktards: God doesn't need your help! He's GOD!

[Patriotic music plays]

Dude: And He... She... It... They gave you life... and you're wasting it! Look around you. Look.

[pause]

Dude: Look, god damn it!

[everyone looks at each other]

Dude: See? We're not that different. That's because we all come from the same family called "Humanity". And what do families do? Do they fight? Yeah, but they work it out. That's because they love each other... and that they know they're stuck with each other. Just like how we all are. Here on this big crazy mudball we call Earth. So come on, guys! Let's try to find some common ground here.

Richard: Uh, well... we all hate Jews!

Mohammed: [Everyone seems to agree]

[to a Taliban]

Mohammed: Everybody knows that.

Dude: No, not a hate thing!

[Everyone groans in disappointment]

Dude: A happy thing! I think it's time to empty our hands of guns and fill them... with hugs.

[Everyone starts crying and holding hands]

Dude: If you want to waste this precious gift we call life, I can't stop you. So, go ahead: Shoot... or

[spreads arms out]

Dude: hug.

[pause]

Mohammed: [Nods] Shoot him.

Dude: [Everyone opens fire at Dude who goes back behind the car] YOU MOTHERFUCKERS!

Uncle Dave: When was the last time I saw you?

Dude: Bachelor party. The night before the wedding.

Uncle Dave: Oh, fuck yeah, that was fun! I wonder if that donkey survived.

Bitch: [Dude is watching T.V. while browsing ties for an interview] Turn down that fuckin' T.V.! Can't hear my show!

Dude: [Turns off T.V] Yeah, nothing's good on, anyways. Just, uh, just preparing for my interview.

Bitch: Fight!

[Throws piece of chicken a Dude]

Bitch: Aw, you fight like a pussy! No one's gonna hire your sorry ass! Why don't you just stick up to your Uncle Dave already?

Dude: [Drinks a carton of milk, gets a disgusted look, and throws up in a pan] God Dammit!

Bitch: What the hell is goin' on out there?

Dude: [Stuttering] Nothing!

Dude: [singing the Gluttco Company Fight Song in a job interview] It's not a flag, it's a company / A high-flying company / And it will cheerfully work you to death / By the time you are old / The pension is sold / And your cube will be your casket / It's a company, a high-flying company / Now please, get back to work.

[repeated line]

Dude: I hate this town.

Dude: I have to destroy a postal truck filled with lethal microbes before a doomsday cult or a terrorist groups gets their hands on it and destroys the entire world.

Faith: Yeah, why I gotta believe that?

Taliban: [at the same time as the D.O.O.M. member] Jihad!

D.O.O.M. member: [at the same time as the Taliban] Apocalypse!

[Dude fastly pulls out a second gun and kills both on the spot]

Faith: Okay, so where's that truck?

Dude: Where did you get all those monkeys?

Uncle Dave: I don't fucking know. I have nothing to do with this shit.

Dude: Oh ho ho! It's the moo-cow from the welfare office!

[imitating her]

Dude: Sorry, we're closed... BITCH!

[the Postal Dude runs her over and she gets thrown on the other side of the street where she gets hit by another car which throws her back where she gets hit by a police car which stops immediately]

Officier John: What was that?

Officer Greg: [gets out of the car and takes a look] I thought we had a flat... but we just ran over some girl. Whew, Thank God...

[Takes out walkie-talkie]

Officer Greg: I got a dead body on Maple...

[When asked to repeat the location]

Officer Greg: Maple, like the syrup.

Mob Leader: Did you see the Postal Dude?

[looking for the Postal Dude while not looking at the person he talks to]

Dude: [wearing a police uniform and disguising his voice] Yeah, yeah. He went this way.

[points into the opposite direction the Mob came from]

Mob Leader: Good. United Citizens, let's get that motherucker.

[the Mobs runs away without one person looking at the Postal Dude]

Verne Troyer: [Verne Troyer is about to get raped by monkeys] Oh! Not the monkeys!

Dude: Where did you get all those monkeys?

Uncle Dave: I don't fuckin' know. I got nothing to do with this shit.

Verne Troyer: [Verne gets locked in with the monkeys and starts getting raped] Don't get me into style, please!

Uncle Dave: All in all, though, this has not been a very pleasant day.