Duck Quotes in The Hunting Party (2007)

Benjamin: We are journalists! We can't do this. It is unethical... and insane.

Simon: It would be a pleasure to personally catch him.

Benjamin: By ourselves. By ourselves. We don't even have any weapons.

Simon: If I gave you a gun, would you know how to use it?

Benjamin: No.

Simon: Then what the fuck are you complaining about?

Duck: I told you. The moment you start drinking that Bosnian brandy, the devil's sitting in the corner, just laughing.

Duck: One time in Rwanda, Simon decided he was gonna assassinate the leader of the Hutus and end the war. Three days later, he was in Morocco getting a massage from a hooker named Gladys.

Benjamin: [after the waiter's warning] What the fuck was that about?

Simon: A warning.

Benjamin: Yeah? It seemed more like a threat.

Simon: Yeah, beware of the nosy waiter with Serbian pride.

Duck: Well, actually, it was the first time that I thought that maybe Simon wasn't jerking our chain.

Benjamin: Yeah? Why's that?

Duck: Because the guy in there said that he's not in Celibici, which means maybe he actually *is* in Celebici.

Benjamin: Right. Unless he's really *not* in Celibici.

Duck: Well, that's a possibility, too.

Benjamin: [after being shot at by the waiter] We're gonna die. Every single person down here knows exactly what we're doing.

Simon: Keep your panties dry, Benjamin. It had nothing to do with the Fox.

Benjamin: What the hell do you mean? It's just a little local tradition to shoot at every customer?

Duck: [Simon pulls out some money] Wait a minute. Is that my money? You mean the money I left on the table, that's mine? Simon!

Simon: Times are tight. Things happen. Sue me.

Benjamin: Wait, wait, wait. You stole the money that was left for the bill?

Simon: I needed it more.

Benjamin: Okay, you got us shot at for twenty bucks!

Simon: I didn't know he was gonna *shoot* at us.

Indian Officer: War criminals? Believe it or not, we don't even have a copy of the complete indictment list.

Duck: You don't?

Indian Officer: [hopefully] No. Do you have a copy? I could always Xerox it. Miriam, is the copier working again?

Duck: Look, word has it there's a bunch of them living right here in Foca.

Indian Officer: Could be. Unfortunately, we're here to reform the police force, not hunt for war criminals.

Duck: But it wouldn't be much hunting. I mean, most of them are listed right in the phone book.

Indian Officer: As I said, we're not authorized to arrest war criminals.

Duck: You *are* the international police, right?

Indian Officer: Yes. Under the flag of the United Nations.

Benjamin: I thought the U.N. *was* looking for war criminals.

Indian Officer: We are. Aggressively. There's a five million dollar reward, you know?

Benjamin: But you said you don't have an indictment list.

Indian Officer: We don't! Donut?

Boris: It took me months to gain the trust of certain people who normally would be protecting the Fox. That's how I know you didn't just stumble on the fact he's up in Celibici.

Duck: Well, it's been printed in the press.

Boris: So are the horoscopes. Do you believe them?

Duck: You're not making any sense now.

Boris: I know. I'm the United Nations.

Duck: [about Boris] He thinks we're a hit squad. He thinks we're a fucking hit squad!

Benjamin: Yeah, this can't be good. Isn't it illegal, impersonating a CIA officer?

Duck: Yeah, but we denied it.

Benjamin: Yeah, he didn't believe it.

Duck: It's true. It's like the more we fucking denied it, the more he didn't believe it.

Benjamin: Yeah, the problem is, if you were CIA you would deny it, and if you weren't, you would also deny it.

Boris: [introducing them to Mirjana] I'm not doing what I'm doing. I mean, clearly I'm doing this, but I'm not doing this, because if I was doing this, I could get into a lot of trouble for doing it.

Duck: What the fuck, Boris?

Boris: Yeah. She might seem young and beautiful to you, but she would cut your balls off and sell them as trinkets if she thinks you're fucking with her. Okay?

Duck: You know, when you think about it, the whole thing is fucking ridiculous.

Simon: Why? I could very well be CIA.

Duck: You can't even spell CIA.

Simon: Every fucking CIA guy I know looks exactly like *me*.

Duck: Yeah, only better-looking.

Benjamin: Well, they certainly do not look like me.

Simon: And that is the genius of it! Of course, the CIA would have someone who doesn't *look* CIA! That's exactly what they would do.

Duck: Oh shit, I'm staring at the midget.

Benjamin: Well, stop!

Simon: He's expecting NATO troops, not two jerks in a car.

Duck: Have you thought about the bodyguards that he travels with, Simon?

Simon: Yeah, word is he's got twenty armed guards with him at all times.

Duck: Yeah, well I heard it's *fifty*.

Simon: Fifty?

Duck: Fifty.

Simon: Maybe. Actually, some people believe he has none.

Duck: *Stupid* people.

Duck: When I was a kid I used to carry a rabbit's foot for good luck. When I was in Somalia, I traded it for two cold Budweisers and a back-issue of Penthouse. You hear people talk about the horrors of war all the time, but the dirty little secret is, if you're just reporting it, war has its bright side as well. I know, I know, I'm sacrilegious but, being that close to death, being that alive, it's completely addictive. And if anyone tells you otherwise, they're lying.

Duck: Simon liked to point out that news awards were like hemorrhoids, every asshole eventually gets one.

Duck: There've many distinguished moments in television history. This wasn't one of them.

Boris: So you met the midget.

Duck: It's better than running over the midget.

Duck: You see, you can't go hunting with 10 body guards. It's too noisy. It scares off the animals.

[last lines]

Duck: Simon, you the only man I know who will borrow money to repay a debt that you took to repay a debt.

Simon: And that's why you love me.

Duck: That's why I love ya.

[in the desert]

Willard: Say, how did you come to be a duck?

Duck: Well, I was a turtle for a while, but that wasn't going anywhere. Then my mother gave me the chance to be a duck, and I sort of flowed from there...

[while the Duck is talking, a caricature of Frank Zappa rises like the sun over the horizon]

Willard: Oh, Eddie, you have GOT to be kidding.

Duck: You can't do this to me! I was at Woodstock in '69! I saw 200 MOTELS! I know who I am!

Professor Wagstaff: [singing] Everything that ever grew, the goose and the gander and the gosling too, the duck upon the water when he feels that way too, says...

Duck: Quack. Quack. Quack!

Professor Wagstaff: That's a wise quack. You keep your bill out of this. How would you like it if I butted into your affairs and laid an egg?