Duane Quotes in Perdita Durango (1997)

[while mounting tied up Duane on a chair and raping him]

Perdita Durango: How many times have you done this, Duane?

Duane: [mumbles] Ha?

Perdita Durango: How many times? Ten? Five? Fuck, once? Shit... so how was it?

Duane: I'll never forget it.

[a flashback is shown of a buxom overweight girl laughing maniacally while mounting Duane on a bed]

Dieter: [for his birthday] What kind of champagne is this?

Gene: You just got to keep thinking protein, lots of protein.

Duane: It's not bad. Squished insect larva.

Gene: Protein...

Dieter: [drinking] Mmmm... Oh, this is a good year, this one.

Duane: You're a strange bird, Dieter. A man tries to kill you and you want his job.

Duane: [looking at the smoking remains of the huts Dieter burned down] I dreamed there was a fire.

Duane: All right. Now, I understand you're searching for your lovely wife Helen... who I truly believe you will find, because good always conquers over evil...

Duane, Garf: [together] Not!

[Duane and Garf look at Helen Knable in a Devil Dolls magazine]

Garf: She's a vixen, Mr. K.

Duane: Beezle-babe! Tent pole!

[Roy Knable escapes from the set of Duane's Underworld]

Duane: Bogus.

[on the set of Duane's Underworld, a segment of Saturday Nite Dead]

Duane: All right. Welcome to Duane's Underworld, O Father of Lies. I'm your excrement host Duane, and with me as always is my only slightly decaying co-host Garf.

Garf: [lifting up his right armpit] Wifto!

Roy Knable: You creeps!

Duane: Uh-oh. Extreme close-up on Mr. Knable.

Duane, Garf: [together] Oh!

Duane: Can I confess something? I tell you this as an artist, I think you'll understand. Sometimes when I'm driving... on the road at night... I see two headlights coming toward me. Fast. I have this sudden impulse to turn the wheel quickly, head-on into the oncoming car. I can anticipate the explosion. The sound of shattering glass. The... flames rising out of the flowing gasoline.

Alvy Singer: Right. Well, I have to - I have to go now, Duane, because I, I'm due back on the planet Earth.

Duane: We are gonna make s'mores with white chocolate.

Martin Gary: Oh-ho, I don't know if I agree with that.

[Dave shakes hands with Duane just before they part company]

Duane: Dave?

Dave: Yeah?

Duane: I would have taken a bullet for you.

[Dave looks stunned for a moment, then smiles]

Dave: Thanks, Duane.

Dave: The president and the first lady... what is that? How long has that been going on?

Duane: I can't say.

Dave: You mean, you don't know, or "you can't say"?

Duane: I can't say.

Dave: You know, I've always wondered about you guys. You know, about how you're trained to take a bullet for the president?

Duane: What about it?

Dave: Is that really true? I mean, would you let yourself be killed to save his life?

Duane: Certainly.

Dave: So, now that means you'd get killed for me too.

Dave: [entering the Oval Office] Let's get back to work!

[bangs the desk with his hand, sits in the chair and falls over]

Dave: Whoa!

Duane: [closing the Oval Office door] He's all right.

Randi: Mr. President, Gary Nance is waiting in your office.

Dave: Who?

Duane: [biting on the words] The Vice President.

Dave: What?

Duane: The *Vice President!*

Dave: Oh! I'm sorry, ever since I had the stroke I've not been hearing things right... it's like...*whooo!*

Randi: Oh my God...

Dave: You ever think about wearing a sweater? Make you blend in more.

Duane: Sweaters make my neck look too thick.

Dave: Even a sweater vest? You could wear a tie.

Duane: You think a sweater vest would look good on me?

[Duane has just thrown Irwin's book into a bucket of water]

Lindy: I'm so tired of you running off at your mouth it's getting me down honey. Why don't you just leave? And be an assassin? Or is the only thing you're good at shooting off is your big mouth?

Duane: Will you please get out of my face you sorry looking faggot.

Lindy: Who you calling sorry looking?

[Everybody laughs]

Duane: Can't ya'll see "she" aint funny?

[laughter stops]

Duane: She's just another poor example of how the system is destroying our men.

Lindy: Honey, I'm more man than you'll ever be and more woman than you'll ever get.

Duane: [to camera] If you are watching this in the future, know that time has had its way with us, and that we knew it would. And it will with you. There is no escaping this. In a strange way, it's what makes life so beautiful and strange, that nothing alive stays the same.

Duane: Why don't you tell everybody how you "got so rich" Daddy Rich? This is one nigger you aint fooling! I'm onto the game you're running to these people here.

Daddy Rich: What can I do for you, brother?

Duane: The same thing you're doing for everyone else. Nothing!

Daddy Rich: Guess you don't believe in my church. The Church of Divine Economic Spirituality.

Duane: Yeah, that's right. I don't belive in it.

Daddy Rich: So, you don't belive in God?

Duane: Not "your" God. I'm a Muslim.

Daddy Rich: My God's doing all right by me. Why don't you come on board brother, and I'll take you nearer to God thy hee, and I'll show you everything it takes to make it with money. 'Cause it's better to have money than not having it. There is a good place in this world for money and I know where it is. It's right here in my pocket!

Duane: You talkin' just like a pimp!

[everyone jeers and looks at Duane with scorn]

Earl: Where were you yesterday Daune?

[annoyed Daune slams open his locker door which narrowly misses Earl]

Earl: And you're late today *Duane*!

Duane: Will you get outta my face Earl and my name is Abdullah Mohamed Akbar, alright?

Earl: Mohamed Akbar? Ha Ha Ha Ha.

Duane: I don't know, man, I don't know. I know I'm not crazy. But every day I have to come here and watch this clown show, man. Sometimes... just can't take it.

Lonnie: I know.

[after the jury have watched a tape of Nelson robbing the drug store]

Judge Eva Fwae Wun: Mr. Hingly?

Duane: Oh, yeah?

Judge Eva Fwae Wun: You may proceed with your defense.

Duane: [whispering to Nelson] Watch this.

[Duane walks up to the jury]

Duane: Ladies and gentlemen of the jury. You've all seen Jurassic Park, and yet you are aware that Jeff Goldblum have never actually been attacked by dinosaurs. Even through you've seen it with your own eyes, on a T.V. not unlike that one.

[Duane points dramatically at the television]

Duane: I rest my case!

[Nelson looks confused and shocked]

John Lyshitski: Bwahahah!

Sid: You want subversion on a massive level. You know what one of the greatest fucking scripts ever written in the history of Hollywood is? Top Gun.

Duane: Oh, come on.

Sid: Top Gun is fucking great. What is Top Gun? You think it's a story about a bunch of fighter pilots.

Duane: It's about a bunch of guys waving their dicks around.

Sid: It is a story about a man's struggle with his own homosexuality. It is! That is what Top Gun is about, man. You've got Maverick, all right? He's on the edge, man. He's right on the fucking line, all right? And you've got Iceman, and all his crew. They're gay, they represent the gay man, all right? And they're saying, go, go the gay way, go the gay way. He could go both ways.

Duane: What about Kelly McGillis?

Sid: Kelly McGillis, she's heterosexuality. She's saying: no, no, no, no, no, no, go the normal way, play by the rules, go the normal way. They're saying no, go the gay way, be the gay way, go for the gay way, all right? That is what's going on throughout that whole movie... He goes to her house, all right? It looks like they're going to have sex, you know, they're just kind of sitting back, he's takin' a shower and everything. They don't have sex. He gets on the motorcycle, drives away. She's like, "What the fuck, what the fuck is going on here?" Next scene, next scene you see her, she's in the elevator, she is dressed like a guy. She's got the cap on, she's got the aviator glasses, she's wearing the same jacket that the Iceman wears. She is, okay, this is how I gotta get this guy, this guy's going towards the gay way, I gotta bring him back, I gotta bring him back from the gay way, so I'll do that through subterfuge, I'm gonna dress like a man. All right? That is how she approaches it. Okay, now let me just ask you - I'm gonna digress for two seconds here. I met this girl Amy here, she's like floating around here and everything. Now, she just got divorced, right? All right, but the REAL ending of the movie is when they fight the MIGs at the end, all right? Because he has passed over into the gay way. They are this gay fighting fucking force, all right? And they're beating the Russians, the gays are beating the Russians. And it's over, and they fucking land, and Iceman's been trying to get Maverick the entire time, and finally, he's got him, all right? And what is the last fucking line that they have together? They're all hugging and kissing and happy with each other, and Ice comes up to Maverick, and he says, "Man, you can ride my tail, anytime!" And what does Maverick say? "You can ride mine!" Swordfight! Swordfight! Fuckin' A, man!

Duane: Do you ever think that we have too much time on our hands? With all the advances made in extending the human life span, that perhaps nature's cruelest irony is that we get progressively stupider and stupider with each passing generation. I mean, some day we'll live for 300 years but we won't be able to sit still for 5 seconds... just a thought.

Duane: He figured you could ask him a few questions, get to know him a little bit. Then he could rip your face off. No big deal.

Duane: When I get on you, it's not because I don't like you. I want you to be ready for that right there, 'cause that is a machine. That is gonna come after you. When that bell rings, it's gonna be eye to eye - you lookin' at him, him lookin' at you - and then you gonna see everything that I ever taught you.

Jaden: Thanks for giving me a chance.

Duane: Thank you for giving me a second chance.

Jacy: It's ironic you broke all your ribs right before the Adam and Eve skit. I wonder what a psychiatrist would make of that.

Duane: I din't break all my ribs, I just broke three.

Jacy: That doesn't affect the irony honey-pie.

Duane: Somebody must be making a fortune off fertility drugs in this county.

Jacy: Are you the one I went skinny-dipping with?

Duane: No, that was Lester Marlowe.

Jacy: Well, I bet I was your favorite mermaid.

Lester Marlow: Marylou likes excitement. She says I'm not exciting any more.

Duane: Well, it's hard to stay exciting for a whole lifetime.

Sonny Crawford: The pills make me feel like I got a fuzz in my head, sort of a warm fuzz... not a great feeling. I'd rather see movies in the sky.

Duane: Well, maybe you ought to lay off the pills until the Centennial's over. We're all going to need our wits about us once that gets started.

Sonny Crawford: I think my wits live somewhere else now.

Guy at teen center: What does all this mean?

Duane: It means exactly what it says. Any minute, any second, could be the last chance that anyone has to give himself to Jesus. Because when He returns, it will happen that fast. The Bible says in the twinkling of an eye, millions of people will suddenly disappear; leave this earth to meet their Lord. And a shocked world will discover suddenly that what the Bible said was true. This is no joke, this is not a fairytale, it will happen just as sure as you and I are here right now. So Christians, be alert, and friend, if you haven't given your life to Christ, do it and do it now, because the Rapture will come, and Christ will return. It says in the Bible that He will come as a thief in the night.

Duane: No one knows when it's going to happen. When they asked Him, even Jesus said that He didn't know the exact time. But it's going to happen. One of these days and it could be any minute now, Christ is going to come back for His own. After that it's going to be pretty awful here on Earth.

Jim Wright: Like what?

Duane: Well for example, the Bible says that right now the spirit of God is holding back the full force of evil in the world, but after the believers go, the spirit will too. That means a whole new ball game, only this time with no rules, evil will just take over. And the evil one the Bible calls the antichrist or the beast, will rule supreme. See we just don't know what it would be like to live in a world like that. The good around us still has the support of the spirit of God. After He goes... wow.

Jerry Bradford: You really believe all that?

Duane: Yes I do.

Jerry Bradford: Lots of luck.

Duane: I'll say one thing, anybody who's left here is going to need it.

Jim Wright: If you really believe that, you couldn't even look at your watch without wondering if it was going to happen now.

Duane: Yeah, but to the Christian it's something we look forward to. The non-Christian is waiting for the end of life and doom. The believer's waiting to meet the One who gave us life.

Duane: Hey Sam, you ever check to see how many folks you serve in one night?

Sam Doonby: Yes I have.

Archie: How do you keep count?

Sam Doonby: Simple. Count the legs, divide by four.