Dreyfus Quotes in Dawn of the Planet of the Apes (2014)

Dreyfus: [addressing the crowd] We've been through hell together! We spent four years, FOUR YEARS fighting that virus, and then another four fighting each other! It was chaos... But you all know what we're up against. And I want you to know, it's not just about power. It's about giving us the hope to rebuild, to reclaim the world we lost!

Dreyfus: [to Malcolm as they see the apes] That's a hell of lot more than eighty!

Dreyfus: [Last lines as he clutches a detonator] I'm saving the human race

[triggers an explosion]

Insp. Jacques Clouseau: You are under arrest!

Sonia: Let me go, or I will destroy it.

[Sonia takes what she believes to be the Pink Panther from her purse, and draws a gun]

Dreyfus: Let her go.

Insp. Jacques Clouseau: Let her do it.

Dreyfus: [shocked] Are you insane?

Insp. Jacques Clouseau: [Sonia tosses what appears to be the Pink Panther into the air, shooting it into millions of fragments; she attempts to run into a hallway, only for Ponton to hit her face with a metal serving tray] Good work, Ponton.

Ponton: Thank you.

Dreyfus: You moron! You twerp! You sad excuse for a human being! You have just destroyed the sacred symbol of France!

Insp. Jacques Clouseau: Ponton, did you bring what I asked for? Boys...

[Louis and Antoine bring a small jewelry case]

Louis: Here it is, Uncle Jacques.

Insp. Jacques Clouseau: Yes, yes.

Insp. Jacques Clouseau: I knew the Tornado would eventually come after the Pink Panther, so I went to the museé with a simple plan in mind. I had convinced my old friend, Robert the night guard, to turn off the security system for the few moments necessary to save the most beautiful object in France. I then switched the Pink Panther with the replica I had at home.

[Clouseau takes the real Pink Panther from the case]

Insp. Jacques Clouseau: This is the real Pink Panther. It was the fake that was stolen.

Dreyfus: [to himself] Nightmare, nightmare.

Insp. Jacques Clouseau: And when the Tornado, an expert on the quality of gems, wrote in his supposed suicide note of its great beauty, I knew he could never have been the thief; he would have recognized it as a fake.

Vicenzo: How did you figure out it was Sonia?

Insp. Jacques Clouseau: It was because I spent the last 17 months on parking duty.

Dreyfus: What?

Insp. Jacques Clouseau: Today I was staring at Miss Solandres' license plate. I recognized it because of my... unique system of cross-referencing. I became aware that I had given a parking ticket to the same car, two days before Miss Solandres claimed she arrived in Paris... one day before the Pink Panther was stolen.

[the guests applaud Clouseau, who has just thwarted Sonia Solandres]

Dreyfus: You followed my instructions very well, Clouseau. It was I, of course, who put Clouseau onto the parking ticket assignment. Isn't that so, Inspector?

Insp. Jacques Clouseau: No.

[Clouseau winks at Chief Inspector Dreyfus, who instructed him to deny any knowledge of the assignment]

Insp. Jacques Clouseau: And at Avellaneda's mansion, when I sensed the presence of the Tornado, he was there, all right. But it was not a he, it was a she!

[the guests and the Dream Team applaud Clouseau's success]

[first lines]

British Librarian: [inside the British Library] I now bring to your attention one of the most stunning treasures inside the British Library's entire collection: the Magna Carta.

[the tourists murmur at the stolen Magna Carta display, with The Tornado's calling card left at the scene]

Turin Guide: [inside the Turin Chapel] And now, over here, perhaps the most cherished ancient artifact in the Western world: the Shroud of Turin.

[the tourists gasp at the empty display case, with the Tornado's calling card at the scene of the crime]

Japanese Curator: [inside the Kyoto palace, where the policemen and museum curator arrive at the scene; the curator gasps as The Tornado has left another calling card where the Imperial Sword has been stolen] The Imperial sword!

Joubert's Secretary: [at the French government offices in Paris, to Joubert] Chief Inspector Dreyfus is here to see you.

Joubert: Chief Inspector.

Dreyfus: Sir.

Joubert: I'm sure you know why you're here: the British, the Italians, and the Japanese are assembling an elite squad of their finest detectives, an international Dream Team to track down this... Tornado.

Dreyfus: And, uh, France will be represented?

Joubert: Exactly.

Dreyfus: I am honored, but not surprised. This is the culmination of my career... the moment that I've been waititing for all my life.

Joubert: No, no, no.

Dreyfus: Well, not all my life, perhaps...

Joubert: No, no...

Dreyfus: No, nevertheless...

Joubert: They want Clouseau, since he is considered the top detective in the world. We have been asked if Clouseau is available to lead the Dream Team.

Dreyfus: Clouseau?

Joubert: Yes, yes.

[Dreyfus remains silent from shock at the mention of Clouseau's name]

Joubert: Is there something wrong?

Dreyfus: No, no, not at all. Um, would you mind if I uh, use your bathroom just for a moment?

Joubert: Certainly.

Dreyfus: Thank you.

[Dreyfus leaves Joubert's office and enters a bathroom]

Dreyfus: Clouseau...

[Dreyfus bangs his head on the wall and sink counter in frustration, then pushes the toilet's handle; a moment later, he re-enters Joubert's office]

Dreyfus: I'm afraid, sir, that Clouseau is currently occupied.

Joubert: What?

Dreyfus: I've assigned him to a mission so important for our country, that I fear for our national security if he was taken off it.

Insp. Jacques Clouseau: [Clouseau is on parking meter duty in a park near the Eiffel Tower; he takes out a tape measure, and measures the distance between a parked car and the curb] Clearly a violation, parking ticket.

Dreyfus: [learns that Clouseau will take the Tornado case] Oh, Clouseau?

Joubert: Yes, yes.

[Joubert sees Dreyfus disappointed, in a dissimulated way - no audio]

Joubert: Is there something wrong?

Dreyfus: [stops with his angry face] No, no, not at all. Would you mind if I, uh, use your bathroom for a moment?

Joubert: Certainly.

Dreyfus: Thank you.

[Dreyfus goes to the bathroom, then he looks at himself in a mirror]

Dreyfus: Clouseau.

[breathes deeply]

Dreyfus: [he hits himself several times - Joubert hears the noise, but low]

[Dreyfus continues hitting himself until he stops]

Dreyfus: [he sighs, then flushes the toilet to simulate, then he exits the bathroom]

Dreyfus: [Chief Inspector Dreyfus is talking on the phone while his portrait is hung over the newly-installed security system] Right.

Dreyfus: [Dreyfus hangs up] Are you finished yet?

Security Installer: Complete and operational.

Renard: Chief Inspector, your new system will monitor and record every word and every movement in this room.

Dreyfus: So, uh, if anyone breaks in, what happens?

Renard: Your office is linked to the elite Black Berets; they will be here in seconds.

Woman on intercom: [the intercom buzzes] Sir, Inspector Clouseau is here to see you.

Dreyfus: Send him in.

Renard: Clouseau?

Dreyfus: I have to appoint him to the Dream Team.

Renard: Clouseau?

Dreyfus: [stammers] Dont, don't ask, don't-...

Insp. Jacques Clouseau: [Clouseau enters Dreyfus's office] Good afternoon, Chief Inspector, I'm here with my report.

Insp. Jacques Clouseau: [Clouseau's file folder gets caught up in his Medal of Honor ribbon; he pronounces the 'H' in honor instead of the usual silent 'H' French pronunciation] This darn Medal of Honor! You are so fortunate you never got one, Chief Inspector. You look so tidy having no honors or other forms of distinguishing décor.

Dreyfus: Why don't you wear it under your shirt; you know, out of sight?

Insp. Jacques Clouseau: Brilliant idea, Chief Inspector; that way, it won't clang around. Now, the parking ticket situation. Over the last 6 weeks, I've given out almost 4 parking tickets: one at the Musée, overtime, and one, you'll recall, to you, in violation of the bent license plate law.

Dreyfus: Yes, I recall.

Insp. Jacques Clouseau: It's all there in the report.

Dreyfus: Fascinating! Well, I shall waste no time in reading it.

Insp. Jacques Clouseau: And just in case, I've deftly catalogued, numbered, and cross-referenced each offense here in my little black book.

Dreyfus: Now Clouseau, you remember... when I first put you on that parking ticket detail...

Insp. Jacques Clouseau: Yes; you explained it was a top-level assignment.

Dreyfus: And that if anyone ever asked you if I was the one who had assigned you to this incredibly important mission, you would deny it?

Insp. Jacques Clouseau: [Clouseau acts as though he was denying any involvement in the assignment] Why Chief Inspector, I don't even know what you are talking about.

Dreyfus: [Clouseau jokingly winks at Dreyfus in acknowledgement] Good work, Clouseau.

Dreyfus: Now, to, uh... to business.

Dreyfus: [Clouseau holds his pen in the air, it makes a slight beeping sound] I have been, uh, instructed to re-assign you to...

Dreyfus: [the beeping sound grows stronger] Clouseau? Clouseau...

Dreyfus: [Clouseau starts tossing his pen and objects from Dreyfus's desk at the security cameras and ripping Dreyfus's portrait to remove the tape recorder] Aahhhh...

Insp. Jacques Clouseau: We were being recorded!

Renard: [Dreyfus whimpers as the Black Berets break through Dreyfus's office windows] The Black Berets!

Black Beret: [yelling] The password! What is the password?

Dreyfus: I don't know!

Black Beret: [the agent subdues Dreyfus for interrogation] Four! Three!

Renard: We weren't yet told!

Black Beret: Two! One!

Insp. Jacques Clouseau: [Clouseau looks at the back of his Medal of Honor and mispronounces "Hamburger"] Amburgar!

Black Beret: Have a nice day.

[the agents leave Dreyfus's office]

Dreyfus: The password was "hamburger"?

Insp. Jacques Clouseau: No, "amburgar".

Dreyfus: I said "hamburger".

Insp. Jacques Clouseau: [repeating Dreyfus's mispronunciation] No, you said "amburger".

Dreyfus: Amburger?

Insp. Jacques Clouseau: No, "am-bur-grr".

Dreyfus: What - How did you know that we were being recorded?

Insp. Jacques Clouseau: Ah, easy, Inspector: this pen emits a small 'bipping' noise whenever it detects 'meecrowaves'. Radio Shack, $12.

Dreyfus: What - How did you know the password?

Insp. Jacques Clouseau: This little LED chip decodes passwords; I had it attached to the back of my Medal of 'Hon-nor'.

Renard: Radio Shack?

Insp. Jacques Clouseau: [Clouseau takes what appears to be a small tape recorder from his pocket] eBay; I got this there, too. What do you think this is?

Renard: A tape recorder?

Insp. Jacques Clouseau: No. It only looks like a tape recorder; it's actually a pen.

Renard: So you can write with it, and no one will know.

Insp. Jacques Clouseau: Bingo!

Insp. Jacques Clouseau: Now, you were saying, Inspector.

Dreyfus: Eh, you are being re-assigned.

Insp. Jacques Clouseau: Let me read your mind: the Tornado is at large, and you want me to protect the Pink Panther.

Dreyfus: No.

Insp. Jacques Clouseau: No?

Dreyfus: It is my job to protect the Pink Panther. You've merely been re-assigned to the Dream Team.

Insp. Jacques Clouseau: Oh, that is quite an honor, but I cannot accept.

Dreyfus: What?

Insp. Jacques Clouseau: If Inspector Clouseau were to leave France, the Tornado would surely strike at the Pink Panther!

Dreyfus: *I'm* guarding it!

Insp. Jacques Clouseau: But...

Dreyfus: Don't argue! You fly to Kyoto in the morning!

Insp. Jacques Clouseau: But I can't fly!

Dreyfus: [yells in frustration] In a plane!

Insp. Jacques Clouseau: Oh, but still...

Dreyfus: That's an order!

[Clouseau salutes Dreyfus before leaving his office]

[Clouseau has dressed himself as a local doctor/dentist in order to gain access to the gothic castle that is Dreyfus' headquarters; he is now examining Dreyfus for a bad tooth, but accidentally puts his thumb in Dreyfus' eye instead]

Dreyfus: OW! My eye!

Clouseau: Your eye? I thought it was your tooth.

Dreyfus: Hmm? It IS my tooth!

Clouseau: I wish you'd make your mind up; I don't normally make castle-calls in the middle of the night yeu kneuw!

Clouseau: [after Dreyfus is knocked into the river for a second and third time and Clouseau thinks he is trying to hide that he's upset] I'm afraid today is just not your day, my friend.

Dreyfus: [quickly stands up] Oh, but it is! It is, my "friend" after three, long terrible years it is AT LAST my day! I will not permit, "repeat," not permit anything..."repeat" anything to spoil it. Now, I will walk you to the gate, to the car which should rightfully be mine. And then I will kiss you goodbye!

[kisses Clouseau's cheeks]

Dreyfus: And then I will have my meeting with the sanity commission, and they will set me free! And then...

[gets hit in the head with an arrow and turns to Clouseau]

Dreyfus: I will kill you!

[starts choking him]

Clouseau: [running away] Francois! Start the car!

Dreyfus: [chasing close behind] KILL YOU! KILL YOU!

Clouseau: You have received a beump on the head.

Dreyfus: Beump?

Clouseau: What?

Dreyfus: You said beump.

Clouseau: Yes, I know that. It is a large beump. You could receive the concussion from such a beump.

Dreyfus: Every day and in every way, I am getting better, and better.

Dreyfus: Now this is my plan. Step number one: I will recruit the world's greatest criminal mind. Step number two: I will build an organization so sinister, so powerful, that by comparison La Cosa Nostra will seem like the Vienna Boys' Choir!

Psychiatrist: CLOUSEAU!

Dreyfus: Now Doctor, there are some who would find your methods rather unorthodox.

Psychiatrist: Just seeing if I am a better Doctor than you are a Detective.

[Refering to the aftermath of the Doomsday device]

Dreyfus: What do you suppose they will call the crater, huh? The Dreyfus Ditch?

Dr. Fassbender: There shall be no crater.

Dreyfus: No crater? But I want a crater! I want wreckage, twisted metal. Something the world will not forget!

Dr. Fassbender: They won't forget today.

Dreyfus: They won't? Wonderful. I have to tinkle again. Don't do anything till I get back.

Clouseau: Allow me to assist you.

Dreyfus: No! I'm fine. Never better. Just a little... a little shaky. Probably the shock of... I mean, the surprise of seeing you here again today.

Margo Fassbender: What are you going to do?

Dreyfus: Something so very, very painful, so hideous, your father will have no choice but to cooperate.

[puts on a glove, with very sharp claws attached to the finger sockets, and walks to the blackboard]

Margo Fassbender: No!

[Dreyfus nods, and scrapes his clawed glove down the blackbird, making a hideous screeching noise]

Dreyfus: Compared to Clouseau, this doomsday machine is just a water pistol.

Dreyfus: He has pulled the wrong tooth! There's only one man who would pull the wrong tooth. It's Clouseau! Kill him! Kill him!

Marty the Mugger: You have several of the world's greatest criminal minds right here, in this very room.

Bruce the Knife: Yeah, why don't we take care of it ourselves?

Dreyfus: Because you wouldn't stand a chance.

[Crims murmur disbelief]

Dreyfus: You don't know Clouseau.

Tournier (a.k.a. Tony the bank robber): He can't be that good.

Dreyfus: Good? Ha, he's not good, he's terrible; he's the worst. There's not another man like him anywhere in the world. Compared to Clouseau this doomsday machine, it's just a mere water pistol.

Dreyfus: Seven. Six. Five. Four. Three. Two. One. Ignition!

[fires a laser which disintegrates the United Nations building]

[after an incident involving a blind beggar]

Dreyfus: The beggar was the lookout man for the gang.

Clouseau: That is impossible.

Dreyfus: Why?

Clouseau: He was blind. How can a blind man be a lookout?

Dreyfus: [Insinuating Clouseau] How can an idiot be a policeman? Answer me that!

Clouseau: It's very simple, all he has to do is enlist...

Dreyfus: Shut up!

Dreyfus: [after Clouseau's fiasco with the bank robbers] ... You are suspended for six months, without pay, effective immediately! Have you anything to say?

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: ...Could you lend me fifty francs?

Dreyfus: [after Clouseau has demolished two trucks and a swimming pool in Nice] Now he's off to Gstaad. Today, a paradise in the Swiss Alps - tomorrow, a wasteland.

[rolls his eyes and lets out a deep breath]

Dreyfus: Compared to Clouseau, Attila the Hun was a Red Cross volunteer!

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: [in Dreyfus' office, after Clouseau's apartment has been bombed] I tell you, infamous powers are at work! The instant you assign me to a case, the Underworld hears about it and I am set upon! It is amazing that I am still alive!

Dreyfus: [forcing himself not to giggle] "Amazing" is not the word.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Do I detect something in your voice that says I am in disfavor with you?

Dreyfus: YES! I wish you were DEAD!

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Well, of course, you are entitled to your opinion.

Dreyfus: [Offscreen, Dreyfus accidentally fires a gun that he thought did not work. Francois rushes into Dreyfus's office to see what has happened] Don't just stand there, idiot. Call a doctor. And then help me find my nose.

Clouseau: [answering the phone] This is Monsieur Gadoire - who is this speaking?

Dreyfus: Don't you know? HmmHmmm! Can't you guess? I'll give you a clue - this is the man who hates you. This is the man who more than anything else in the world would like to see you dead and buried!

Clouseau: ...are you the headwaiter that works in the little bistro on the Rue de Bazaar?

Doctor: Describe your thoughts. Get them out in the open. You'll feel much better.

Dreyfus: All right. See, it's always the same. Clouseau is sitting there, in a chair, just like you, with his back to me. Then suddenly, my hands go round his throat, and I begin to squeeze. It's wonderful. It's marvelous. I'm squeezing. And the more I squeeze, the freer I feel. I'm in ecstasy. And then suddenly, suddenly my problem is solv-ved.

[while Dreyfus has been talking, he has been unintentionally strangling the doctor. He suddenly becomes aware of this as the doctor falls to the floor]

Dreyfus: Doctor! DOCTOR!

Doctor: [referring to Clousseau] How much do you hate him?

Dreyfus: How high is up? I hate every little molecule in his body!

Dreyfus: Give me ten men like Clouseau and I could destroy the world.

Dreyfus: [crosses arms, letter opener in hand] François?

Françios: Yes, commissioner?

Dreyfus: Would you please call for a doctor?

Françios: [puts on his glasses] Are you ill?

Dreyfus: I seem to have stabbed myself with a letter opener.

Clouseau: There is something... personal... in this?

Dreyfus: Yes, deeply personal. I hate you! Every little bit of you! Now get out!

Clouseau: You want me to leave?

Dreyfus: What about the maid?

Clouseau: The maid?

Dreyfus: Was he jealous of her too? He strangled her.

Clouseau: It is possible that his intended victim was a man and that he made a mistake.

Dreyfus: A mistake?... in a nudist camp?

Clouseau: Nobody's perfect.

Dreyfus: Idiot nincompoop lunatic!

Dreyfus: If someone has been murdered here, please let it be Clouseau.

Dreyfus: [a car bomb has just killed the killers. Dreyfus refers to four other killings] A doorman, two customers, and a Cossack! And now six more innocent people!

Clouseau: But they were all murderers, except for Maurice, who was a blackmailer, Commissioner!

Dreyfus: [whimpering] Compared with you they were saints!

[Opening lines - phone rings; Dreyfus picks it up]

Dreyfus: Commissioner Dreyfus... Ah, yes, my darling... I was just about to call you. I'm on my way. I've got the cheese and the beaujolais... What?

[laughs]

Dreyfus: ... My love. Kiss the children for me... hmm?

[intercom buzzes]

Dreyfus: Hold on.

[covers phone mouthpiece; answers intercom]

Dreyfus: Yes?

intercom: Your wife is on the other line.

Dreyfus: Tell her I'm out of town.

Dreyfus: [Makes nervous sounds crossed between chuckles and whimpers] He released her again, and he's taking her out to dinner to dinner. Every paper in Paris has the story, including the Christian Science Monitor; and he gave them the story. You see he claims he's protecting her lover, and the best way to force him into the open is to make him jealous

[nervous chuckles]

Dreyfus: Jealous! That nincompoop, that megalomaniac. He's setting the science of criminal investigation back a thousand years, and I can't do anything about it.

The Psycho-Analyst: Why not?

Dreyfus: Why not? What if he's right?

Françios: I made a terrible mistake.

Dreyfus: Who did you assign to the case?

Françios: Clouseau.

Dreyfus: Oh, my God.

Clouseau: Well... that just goes to prove what I have said all along.

Dreyfus: What you've said, Clouseau, qualifies you as the greatest prophet since Custer said he was going to surround all those Indians!

Clouseau: Those were innocent bystanders. The murderer was after me. Fortunately, he missed.

Dreyfus: Fortunately is *not* the word!

Dreyfus: This case is already so full of cracks I guess one more wouldn't make any difference.

[tosses cigar aside, takes a new cigar and carelessly uses the cigar guillotine]

Dreyfus: François?

Françios: [off screen] Yes, commissioner?

Dreyfus: I just cut off my thumb.

Dreyfus: A trail of death follows Inspector Clouseau. Four people. A doorman, two customers, and a Cossack!

Clouseau: Most regrettable.