Dr. Robert Doback Quotes in Step Brothers (2008)

Dale Doback: Suppose Nancy sees me coming out of the shower and decides to come on to me. I'm looking good, got a luscious V of hair going through my chest pubes down to my ball fro. She takes one look at me and goes, " Oh, my God, I've had the old bull, now I want the young calf," and she grabs me by the weiner.

Dr. Robert Doback: Shut the fuck up!

Dr. Robert Doback: You jagaloons! You're failures! FAILURES!

Brennan Huff: Hey, you're embarrassing yourself, you geriatric fuck!

Nancy Huff: Brennan.

Brennan Huff: Two things: You keep your liver-spotted hands off my beautiful mother. She's a saint! And then you sit down and you write Dale and Brennan a check for $10,000.

Nancy Huff: Oh, stop it! Stop it right...

Brennan Huff: Or I'm gonna shove one of those fake hearing devices so far up your ass...

Nancy Huff: Brennan!

Brennan Huff: ...you can hear the sound of your small intestine as it produces shit!

Dale Doback: I'm just saying, you need to think about your options. I know you two are technically married but that does not mean that they have to live here.

Dr. Robert Doback: Dale, I think it's time for a change. For both of us.

Dale Doback: Dad, we're men. That means a few things - we like to shit with the door open, we talk about pussy, we go on riverboat gambling trips, and we make our own beef jerky. That's what we do, and now that is all wrecked.

[brief pause]

Dr. Robert Doback: We literally have never done any of those things.

Dr. Robert Doback: When I was a kid, when I was a little boy, I always wanted to be a dinosaur. I wanted to be a Tyrannosaurus Rex more than anything in the world. I made my arms short and I roamed the backyard, I chased the neighborhood cats, I growled and I roared. Everybody knew me and was afraid of me. And one day my dad said, "Bobby, you are 17. It's time to throw childish things aside," and I said, "Okay, Pop." But he didn't really say that, he said, "Stop being a fucking dinosaur and get a job."

Dr. Robert Doback: We're putting the house on the market.

Dale Doback: Where are we moving?

Brennan Huff: Is the house haunted?

Dr. Robert Doback: Nancy and I are retiring and sailing around the world on my boat. We are living the dream.

Dale Doback: Well what about us?

Nancy Huff: I- I'm sorry. Robert... we thought that you should take responsibility for your own lives.

Dr. Robert Doback: And this is the exciting part. We're gonna put enough money in your accounts for a security deposit on an apartment.

Dale Doback: What's this all about?

Nancy Huff: Um, more than just money. We're gonna get you another kind of support as well.

Dr. Robert Doback: You're both gonna see therapists. Nancy thinks it'll help. And guys, that's non-negotiable.

Brennan Huff: Hold on. We're not going on the boat, Derek's selling the house, we have to go to therapy?

[Robert nods]

Brennan Huff: WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED?

Dr. Robert Doback: Rock the fuck out of those drums, Dale!

Dale Doback: Look, we can bicker about this all night, but what's done is done, Dad. Are you guys going to invest or not?

Dr. Robert Doback: That's it!

Dr. Robert Doback: [they start getting hot and heavy] My name is Robert, and I play racquetball. I collect coins.

[breathes heavily]

Dr. Robert Doback: Sweet Jesus! I love Korean food!

Nancy Huff: [breathing heavily] I am Nancy Huff; I know how to make Tandoori Chicken.

[continues undressing]

Nancy Huff: I contribute to NPR every single year...

[pause]

Nancy Huff: ... and I love the movies of Rob Reiner! Pilates changed my life!

[they continue making out while stripping off their clothes]

Dr. Robert Doback: [they make out on the bed] I have a boat, and I wanna retire and sail around the world...

Nancy Huff: Oh, I LOVE the sea!

[they kiss and embrace each other]

Dr. Robert Doback: And I drive a Mercedes and I have a 40-year-old son, Dale, who still lives at home!

[pause]

Nancy Huff: [rises from the bed and looks down at him, shocked] What did you *just* say?

Dr. Robert Doback: [sulks] Oh! I knew I shouldn't have told you that!

Nancy Huff: I have a 39-year-old son named Brennan- who still lives at home with me!

[they begin to have sex]

Dr. Robert Doback: [at his wedding ceremony] I would like to thank all of you... for being here with us on this fantastic, wonderful day! And I would like to raise my glass; Dale and I wanna welcome you to our home with open arms!

Dale Doback: [abruptly gets up out of his chair and throws his plate, rolling his eyes] UGH! Get a room, Dad!

Dr. Robert Doback: [as Dale walks out] Oh for chris- Dale!

Derek: What if I were to tell you that I could sell this house... for 30 percent above market?

Dr. Robert Doback: That'd be great. Could you do it?

Derek: Yeah. In a heartbeat, Robby. Look, I got my real-estate license a few years back for shits and gigs. I'd even do it for four-fifths commish... because you know what really gets my dick hard? Helping out my friends.

Dr. Robert Doback: You have one month to find jobs or you're out on your asses. I will arrange interviews for Monday and you will go!

Dale Doback: Dad, why are you talking to me like this? I'm your son.

Dr. Robert Doback: I'm not buying that crap anymore!

Dr. Robert Doback: I know it seems hard, but it's the best thing for both of you. We do it because we love you.

Dale Doback: Dad, I'm doing this because I love you: Fuck you!

Dr. Robert Doback: [as Dale is playing video games in his room] Dale... Dale, I'm leaving for the conference.

Dale Doback: You leave me money for pizza, Dad?

Dr. Robert Doback: Yeah. There's $20 on the hall table. Do not order pay-per-view, buddy!

Dale Doback: But what if I want wings?

Dr. Robert Doback: [as he leaves out of the house] You don't need wings!

Dale Doback: That's *NOT* ENOUGH, DAD!

Dr. Robert Doback: [about Dale] He left college his junior year because he said he wanted to join the family business.

Nancy Huff: But... you're a medical doctor.

Dr. Robert Doback: Believe me, I've told him that.

[repeated line]

Dr. Robert Doback: You know what I got for Christmas? A crushed soul!

Dr. Robert Doback: [about his dream to be a dinosaur] So I thought, I'll be a doctor for a little while... and then go back to that.

Brennan Huff: How is that even a skill?

Nancy Huff: We were so sad you guys couldn't come to the wedding.

Dr. Robert Doback: We completely understand. You were busy fishing... with Mark Cuban.

Derek: Right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, not just the Cubes, but Chris Daughtry, Jeff Probst, super chef Bobby Flay. I mean, it was insane. It was almost too much.

Dr. Robert Doback: [presenting in front of a crowd at a conference] The RTI cochlear implant is the state-of-the-art implantable hearing device due to its input processing of sound via the speech processor.

[pause]

Dr. Robert Doback: But the most exciting new development is the external processor, which fits directly over the ear...

[he suddenly spots Nancy Huff in the audience and becomes transfixed]

Dr. Robert Doback: ... which eliminates the need to... put your face between those breasts, and-

[audience laughs]

Dr. Robert Doback: Oh God, you're impressive.

Derek: Oh, come on. I love talking to you from across the room. I feel like we have a thing. You and me, man! You're my new stepdad! You're unbelievable!

[Robert laughs giddily]

Nancy Huff: I-I've never heard that laugh before.

Dale Doback: Dad, why are you acting so weird?

Dr. Robert Doback: [to Dale and Brennan on why it is their fault for divorcing Nancy] You destroyed my boat, you beat me up in your sleep, and... worst of all, you made Nancy and I resent each other! IT IS ABSOLUTELY ONE-HUNDRED AND FIFTY PERCENT YOUR FAULT!

Derek: Of course it's their fault. They are the two biggest dickheads in the world and they're living in your house!