Dr. Peter Venkman Quotes in Ghostbusters (1984)

Dr. Raymond Stantz: Everything was fine with our system until the power grid was shut off by dickless here.

Walter Peck: They caused an explosion!

Mayor: Is this true?

Dr. Peter Venkman: Yes it's true.

[pause]

Dr. Peter Venkman: This man has no dick.

Walter Peck: Jeez!

[Charges at Venkman]

Mayor: Break it up! Hey, break this up! Break it up!

Walter Peck: All right, all right, all right!

Dr. Peter Venkman: Well, that's what I heard!

Dr. Peter Venkman: This city is headed for a disaster of biblical proportions.

Mayor: What do you mean, "biblical"?

Dr. Raymond Stantz: What he means is Old Testament, Mr. Mayor, real wrath of God type stuff.

Dr. Peter Venkman: Exactly.

Dr. Raymond Stantz: Fire and brimstone coming down from the skies! Rivers and seas boiling!

Dr. Egon Spengler: Forty years of darkness! Earthquakes, volcanoes...

Winston Zeddemore: The dead rising from the grave!

Dr. Peter Venkman: Human sacrifice, dogs and cats living together... mass hysteria!

Mayor: All right, all right! I get the point!

Gozer: [after Ray orders her to re-locate] Are you a God?

[Ray looks at Peter, who nonchalantly nods yes]

Dr. Raymond Stantz: No.

Gozer: Then... DIE!

[Lightning flies from her fingers, driving the Ghostbusters to the edge of the roof and almost off; people below scream]

Winston Zeddemore: Ray, when someone asks you if you're a god, you say "YES"!

Dr. Peter Venkman: All right! This chick is TOAST!

Dana Barrett: [as The Gatekeeper] I want you inside me.

Dr. Peter Venkman: [referring to her radical change in personality] Go ahead! No, I can't. It sounds like you've got at least two or three people in there already.

Dr. Egon Spengler: There's something very important I forgot to tell you.

Dr. Peter Venkman: What?

Dr. Egon Spengler: Don't cross the streams.

Dr. Peter Venkman: Why?

Dr. Egon Spengler: It would be bad.

Dr. Peter Venkman: I'm fuzzy on the whole good/bad thing. What do you mean, "bad"?

Dr. Egon Spengler: Try to imagine all life as you know it stopping instantaneously and every molecule in your body exploding at the speed of light.

Dr. Raymond Stantz: Total protonic reversal.

Dr. Peter Venkman: Right. That's bad. Okay. All right. Important safety tip. Thanks, Egon.

Dr. Peter Venkman: [as the Ghostbusters approach Gozer] Grab your stick!

[the Ghostbusters draw their handsets]

Dr. Raymond Stantz, Dr. Egon Spengler, Winston Zeddemore: HOLDIN'!

Dr. Peter Venkman: Heat 'em up!

[they arm their packs]

Dr. Raymond Stantz, Dr. Egon Spengler, Winston Zeddemore: SMOKIN'!

Dr. Peter Venkman: Make 'em hard!

[they rack their handsets]

Dr. Raymond Stantz, Dr. Egon Spengler, Winston Zeddemore: READY!

Dr. Peter Venkman: Let's show this prehistoric bitch how we do things downtown... THROW IT!

Man at Elevator: What are you supposed to be, some kind of a cosmonaut?

Dr. Peter Venkman: No, we're exterminators. Someone saw a cockroach up on twelve.

Man at Elevator: That's gotta be some cockroach.

Dr. Peter Venkman: Bite your head off, man.

Dr. Raymond Stantz: [Entering elevator] Going up?

Man at Elevator: I'll take the next one.

Gozer: The Choice is made!

Dr. Peter Venkman: Whoa! Ho! Ho! Whoa-oa!

Gozer: The Traveller has come!

Dr. Peter Venkman: Nobody choosed anything!

[turns to Egon]

Dr. Peter Venkman: Did you choose anything?

Dr. Egon Spengler: No.

Dr. Peter Venkman: [to Winston] Did YOU?

Winston Zeddemore: My mind is totally blank.

Dr. Peter Venkman: I didn't choose anything...

[long pause, Peter, Egon and Winston all look at Ray]

Dr. Raymond Stantz: I couldn't help it. It just popped in there.

Dr. Peter Venkman: [angrily] What? WHAT "just popped in there?"

Dr. Raymond Stantz: I... I... I tried to think...

Dr. Egon Spengler: LOOK!

[they all look over one side of the roof]

Dr. Raymond Stantz: No! It CAN'T be!

Dr. Peter Venkman: What is it?

Dr. Raymond Stantz: It CAN'T be!

Dr. Peter Venkman: What did you DO, Ray?

Winston Zeddemore: Oh, shit!

[they all see a giant cubic white head topped with a sailor hat, Peter looks at Ray]

Dr. Raymond Stantz: [somberly] It's the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man.

Dr. Egon Spengler: I have a radical idea. The door swings both ways, we could reverse the particle flow through the gate.

Dr. Peter Venkman: How?

Dr. Egon Spengler: [hesitates] We'll cross the streams.

Dr. Peter Venkman: 'Scuse me Egon? You said crossing the streams was bad!

Dr. Raymond Stantz: Cross the streams...

Dr. Peter Venkman: You're gonna endanger us, you're gonna endanger our client - the nice lady, who paid us in advance, before she became a dog...

Dr. Egon Spengler: Not necessarily. There's definitely a VERY SLIM chance we'll survive.

[pause while they consider this]

Dr. Peter Venkman: [slaps Ray] I love this plan! I'm excited to be a part of it! LET'S DO IT!

Winston Zeddemore: [all get up to get ready] This job is definitely not worth $11,500 a year.

Dr. Peter Venkman: We came, we saw, we kicked its ass!

Dr. Peter Venkman: Alice, I'm going to ask you a couple of standard questions, okay? Have you or any of your family been diagnosed schizophrenic? Mentally incompetent?

Librarian Alice: My uncle thought he was Saint Jerome.

Dr. Peter Venkman: I'd call that a big yes. Uh, are you habitually using drugs? Stimulants? Alcohol?

Librarian Alice: No.

Dr. Peter Venkman: No, no. Just asking. Are you, Alice, menstruating right now?

Library Administrator: What has that got to do with it?

Dr. Peter Venkman: Back off, man. I'm a scientist.

Dr. Peter Venkman: Ray has gone bye-bye, Egon... what've you got left?

Dr. Egon Spengler: Sorry, Venkman, I'm terrified beyond the capacity for rational thought.

Dr. Raymond Stantz: You know, it just occurred to me that we really haven't had a successful test of this equipment.

Dr. Egon Spengler: I blame myself.

Dr. Peter Venkman: So do I.

Dr. Raymond Stantz: Well, no sense in worrying about it now.

Dr. Peter Venkman: Why worry? Each one of us is carrying an unlicensed nuclear accelerator on his back.

Dr. Peter Venkman: We've been going about this all wrong. This Mr. Stay Puft's okay! He's a sailor, he's in New York; we get this guy laid, we won't have any trouble!

[clearing away tables in the dining room to make room for the ghost trap]

Dr. Raymond Stantz: I've gotta get this in the clear...!

Dr. Raymond Stantz: Wait, wait, wait! I've always wanted to do this...

[He yanks a tablecloth off of a table, overturning and shattering everything except the centerpiece in the middle]

Dr. Peter Venkman: [triumphantly] And the flowers are still standing!

Dr. Raymond Stantz: Symmetrical book stacking. Just like the Philadelphia mass turbulence of 1947.

Dr. Peter Venkman: You're right, no HUMAN BEING would stack books like this.

Dr. Peter Venkman: What I'd really like to do is talk to Dana. Dana? It's Peter.

Dana Barrett: There is no Dana, there is only Zuul.

Dr. Peter Venkman: Oh, Zuulie, you nut, now c'mon. Just relax, c'mon. I want to talk to Dana. Dana, Dana. Can I talk to Dana?

Dana Barrett: [in an inhuman demonic voice] There is no Dana, only Zuul!

Dr. Peter Venkman: What a lovely singing voice you must have.

Dr. Egon Spengler: Oh good, you're here!

Dr. Peter Venkman: Yeah, what have you got?

Dr. Egon Spengler: This is big, Peter, this is very big. There is definitely something here.

Dr. Peter Venkman: Egon, this reminds me of the time you tried to drill a hole through your head. Remember that?

Dr. Egon Spengler: That would have worked if you hadn't stopped me.

Dana Barrett: That's the bedroom, but nothing ever happened in there.

Dr. Peter Venkman: What a crime.

[In a TV commercial]

Dr. Raymond Stantz: Are you troubled by strange noises in the middle of the night?

Dr. Egon Spengler: Do you experience feelings of dread in your basement or attic?

Dr. Peter Venkman: Have you or your family ever seen a spook, spectre or ghost?

Dr. Raymond Stantz: If the answer is "yes," then don't wait another minute. Pick up the phone and call the professionals...

Dr. Raymond Stantz, Dr. Egon Spengler, Dr. Peter Venkman: Ghostbusters.

Dr. Raymond Stantz: Our courteous and efficient staff is on call 24 hours a day to serve all your supernatural elimination needs.

Dr. Raymond Stantz, Dr. Egon Spengler, Dr. Peter Venkman: We're ready to believe you.

Dr. Raymond Stantz: Gozer the Gozerian... good evening. As a duly designated representative of the City, County and State of New York, I order you to cease any and all supernatural activity and return forthwith to your place of origin or to the nearest convenient parallel dimension.

Dr. Peter Venkman: [Sarcastically] That oughta do it. Thanks very much, Ray.

[Persuading the mayor to let them stop a supernatural upheaval]

Dr. Peter Venkman: If I'm wrong, nothing happens! We go to jail - peacefully, quietly. We'll enjoy it! But if I'm *right*, and we *can* stop this thing... Lenny, you will have saved the lives of millions of registered voters.

Dr. Raymond Stantz: The whole building is a huge, superconductive antenna that was designed and built expressly for the purpose of pulling in and concentrating spiritual turbulence. Your girlfriend lives in the corner penthouse... of Spook Central.

Dr. Peter Venkman: She's not my girlfriend. I find her interesting because she's a client and because she sleeps above her covers... FOUR FEET above her covers. She barks, she drools, she claws!

Dr. Egon Spengler: It's not the *girl*, Peter, it's the *building*.

Dr. Raymond Stantz: [astounded] Talk about telekinetic activity, look at this mess!

Dr. Egon Spengler: Raymond, look at this.

Dr. Raymond Stantz: Ectoplasmic residue.

Dr. Egon Spengler: Venkman, get a sample of this.

Dr. Raymond Stantz: It's the real thing.

Dr. Peter Venkman: Somebody blows their nose and wanna keep it?

Dr. Egon Spengler: I'd like to analyze it.

Dr. Raymond Stantz: There's more over here.

Dr. Egon Spengler: I'm getting stronger readings here.

Dr. Peter Venkman: Whoa, ah.

[Venkman tries to wipe the slime off of his hand]

Dr. Egon Spengler: This way.

[to Venkman]

Dana Barrett: [possessed by Zuul] Do you want this body?

Dr. Peter Venkman: Is this a trick question?

Dr. Raymond Stantz: I tried to think of the most harmless thing. Something I loved from my childhood. Something that could never ever possibly destroy us. Mr. Stay Puft!

Dr. Peter Venkman: Nice thinkin', Ray.

Dr. Peter Venkman: Egon, what do you think?

Dr. Egon Spengler: [looking up and blinding Peter with his headlamp] She's telling the truth. At least, she thinks she is.

Dana Barrett: Well, of course I'm telling the truth! Who would make up a story like that?

Dr. Peter Venkman: [becoming suave] Some are people who just want attention. Others, just nutballs who come in off the street.

Dr. Raymond Stantz: You know what it could be? Past-life experience intruding on present time.

Dr. Egon Spengler: Could be race memory stored in the collective unconscious. I wouldn't rule out clairvoyance or telepathic contact either.

Dana Barrett: I'm sorry, I don't believe in any of those things.

Dr. Peter Venkman: Well, that's all right. I don't either.

[Dana has described seeing the demon Zuul in her refrigerator]

Dr. Peter Venkman: Generally you don't see that kind of behavior in a major appliance.

Dr. Raymond Stantz: I think we'd better split up.

Dr. Egon Spengler: Good idea.

Dr. Peter Venkman: Yeah... we can do more damage that way.

Dr. Peter Venkman: Hee hee hee! "Get her!" That was your whole plan, huh, "get her." Very scientific.

[Dana Barrett has just transformed into a demon]

Dr. Peter Venkman: OK... so... she's a dog...

Dr. Peter Venkman: Mother puss bucket!

Dr. Peter Venkman: I don't have to take this abuse from you, I've got hundreds of people dying to abuse me.

Dana Barrett: [reading from the printout] "Zuul was the minion of Gozer." What's Gozer?

Dr. Peter Venkman: Gozer was very big in Sumeria.

Dana Barrett: Well, what's he doing in my ice box?

Dr. Peter Venkman: I'm working on that.

Walter Peck: I'm Walter Peck, from the Environmental Protection?

[Venkman shakes hands with Peck and still has ectoplasm on his hands]

Walter Peck: Agency, the third district.

Dr. Peter Venkman: [Peck is wiping the ectoplasm on his jacket] Great, how's it going down there?

Walter Peck: Are you Peter Venkman?

Dr. Peter Venkman: Yes, I'm *Doctor* Venkman!

Walter Peck: Exactly what are you a doctor of, Mr. Venkman?

Dr. Peter Venkman: Well, I have a PhD in parapsychology and psychology.

Walter Peck: And now, you catch ghosts?

Dr. Peter Venkman: Yeah, you could say that.

Walter Peck: And how many ghosts have you caught, Mr. Venkman?

Dr. Peter Venkman: I'm not at liberty to say.

Walter Peck: And where do you put these ghosts, once you catch them?

Dr. Peter Venkman: Into a storage facility.

Walter Peck: And would this storage facility be located on these premises?

Dr. Peter Venkman: Yes.

Walter Peck: And may I see this storage facility?

Dr. Peter Venkman: No.

Walter Peck: And why not, Mr. Venkman?

Dr. Peter Venkman: Because you did not use the magic word.

Walter Peck: What is the magic word, Mr. Venkman?

Dr. Peter Venkman: [looking surprised] Please!

Walter Peck: May I *please* see the storage facility, Mr. Venkman?

Dr. Peter Venkman: Why do you want to see the storage facility?

Walter Peck: Because I'm curious. I wanna know more about what you do here! Frankly, I've heard alot of wild stories in the media and we want to assess any possibility of dangerous and possibly hazardous waste chemicals in your basement.

[Peck is angered]

Walter Peck: Now you either *show me* what is down there, or I come back with a court order.

Dr. Peter Venkman: [Venkman snaps back] You go get a court order, and I'll sue your funny ass for wrongful prosecution.

Walter Peck: You can have it your way, Mr. Venkman.

Dr. Peter Venkman: Janine, someone with your qualifications would have no trouble finding a top-flight job in either the food service or housekeeping industries.

[phone rings]

Dr. Peter Venkman: You gonna answer that?

Dr. Peter Venkman: Ray, pretend for a moment that I don't know anything about metallurgy, engineering, or physics, and just tell me what the hell is going on.

Dr. Raymond Stantz: You never studied.

Dr. Peter Venkman: I'm gonna take back some of the things I said about you, Egon.

[pulls out candy bar]

Dr. Peter Venkman: You... You've earned it

Dr. Peter Venkman: How's the grid holding up?

Dr. Egon Spengler: Not good.

Winston Zeddemore: Tell him about the Twinkie.

Dr. Peter Venkman: What about the Twinkie?

Dr. Raymond Stantz: It's a girl.

Dr. Egon Spengler: It's Gozer.

Winston Zeddemore: I thought Gozer was a man.

Dr. Egon Spengler: It's whatever it wants to be.

Dr. Peter Venkman: Well, whatever it is, it's gotta get by us.

Dr. Raymond Stantz: Right!

[pause]

Dr. Peter Venkman: Go get her, Ray!

Dr. Raymond Stantz: [holding ghost trap like a rat by the tail] We got it.

Hotel Manager: What is it? Will there be any more of them?

Dr. Raymond Stantz: Sir, what you had there is what we refer to as a focused, non-terminal, repeating phantasm or a class-five full-roaming vapor. A real nasty one, too.

Dr. Peter Venkman: And now...

[Peter clears his throat]

Dr. Peter Venkman: ... let's talk seriously. Now, for the entrapment, we're gonna have to ask you...

[Egon holds up four fingers]

Dr. Peter Venkman: ... for four big ones, Four thousand dollars for that. But we are having a special this week on proton charging and storage of the beast...

[Egon holds up one finger]

Dr. Peter Venkman: ... and that's only gonna come to one thousand dollars, fortunately.

Hotel Manager: Five thousand dollars? I had no idea it'd be so much. I won't pay it.

Dr. Peter Venkman: Well, that's all right. We can just put it right back in there. Thank you.

Dr. Raymond Stantz: We certainly can, Dr. Venkman.

[Ray turns back toward the ballroom]

Hotel Manager: [stopping Ray] No, no, NO! All right. Anything.

Dr. Peter Venkman: [handing the manager a check] Thanks so much.

Dr. Raymond Stantz: Thank you. Hope we can help you again.

[as he, Peter and Egon leave the hotel, Ray calls out to the witnesses]

Dr. Raymond Stantz: Coming through! One class-five full-roaming vapor. Move 'em out.

Winston Zeddemore: Hey, wait a minute. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! Hold it! Now, are we actually gonna go before a federal judge, and tell him that some moldy Babylonian god is going to drop in on Central Park West, and start tearing up the city?

Dr. Egon Spengler: Sumerian, not Babylonian.

Dr. Peter Venkman: Yeah. Big difference.

Winston Zeddemore: No offense, guys, but I've gotta get my own lawyer.

Dana Barrett: You know, you don't act like a scientist.

Dr. Peter Venkman: They're usually pretty stiff.

Dana Barrett: You're more like a game show host.

[after nearly being crushed by a falling bookcase]

Dr. Peter Venkman: This happen to you before?

[Ray shakes his head]

Dr. Peter Venkman: Huh. First time?

[Ray nods]

[while trying to catch the Slimer, the Ghostbusters cause a lot of damage to the hotel with their energy streams]

Dr. Peter Venkman: Whoa, whoa, whoa! Nice shootin', Tex!

[Venkman arrives at 55 Central Park West, a few minutes after Louis was chased out by the demon Vinz Clortho]

Dr. Peter Venkman: [to a policeman] What happened?

Policeman at Apartment: Some moron brought a cougar to a party and it went berserk.

Dr. Raymond Stantz: Hey... Where these stairs go?

Dr. Peter Venkman: They go up!

Dr. Peter Venkman: [steps in front of Peck] My friend, don't be a jerk!

Walter Peck: If he does that again, you can shoot him.

Police Captain: You do your job, pencil neck, don't tell me how to do mine!

Dr. Peter Venkman: Thank you, Officer.

Walter Peck: SHUT IT OFF!

Dr. Peter Venkman: All right, I'm gonna turn over the next card. Concentrate... I want you to tell me what you think it is.

[Holds up the card]

Male Student: Uh, square.

Dr. Peter Venkman: Good guess, but wrong.

[Turns over the card and zaps the male student]

Dr. Peter Venkman: [to the female student] Okay,

[Holds up another card]

Dr. Peter Venkman: what is this?

Female Student: Is it a star?

Dr. Peter Venkman: It "is" a star,. very good.

Dr. Peter Venkman: [to the male student, and holding up another card] Concentrate. Tell me what this is.

Male Student: Circle.

Dr. Peter Venkman: [Turns over the card] Ooohhh, Close. But most definately wrong.

[Zaps the male student again]

Dr. Peter Venkman: [to the female student] Clear your head.

[Holds up another card]

Dr. Peter Venkman: what is it?

Female Student: A figure 8.

Dr. Peter Venkman: That's 5 for 5, you can't see these can you?

Female Student: No.

Dr. Peter Venkman: You're not cheating me, are you?

Female Student: No. I swear, they're just coming to me.

Dr. Peter Venkman: [to the male student] Nervous?

Male Student: [Really is nervous] Yes, I don't like this.

Dr. Peter Venkman: [Holds up another card] We've only got 75 more to go, c'mon what this one.

Male Student: It's, a couple of wavy lines.

Dr. Peter Venkman: [Puts card down] Sorry, this isn't your lucky day.

Male Student: Yeah, I...

[Peter's hand slowly reaches for the zapping trigger]

Male Student: I uh, uh, I uh, I uh.

[Zap]

Male Student: [Annoyed] I'm getting a little tired of this.

Dr. Peter Venkman: You volunteered, didn't you? We're paying you, are we?

Male Student: Yeah, but I didn't know you we're gonna be giving me electric shocks. What are trying to prove here, anyway.

Dr. Peter Venkman: I'm studying the effect on negative reinforcement on ESP ability.

Male Student: [Aggravated] Effect? I'll tell you the effect is, it's pissing me off!

Dr. Peter Venkman: Let me tell you something about myself. I come home from work to my place and all I have is my work. There's nothing else in my life!

Dana Barrett: Dr. Venkman...

Dr. Peter Venkman: I meet you, and I say, my God, there's someone with the same problem I have.

Dana Barrett: Yes. We both have the same problem. You!

Dr. Peter Venkman: I'm gonna go for broke. I am madly in love with you.

Dana Barrett: I don't believe this. Will you please leave?

Dr. Peter Venkman: [to an invisible audience] And then she threw me out of her life. She thought I was a creep, she thought I was a geek, and she probably wasn't the first.

Dana Barrett: You are so odd.

[evaluating a site for their business]

Dr. Peter Venkman: What do you think, Egon?

Dr. Egon Spengler: I think this building should be condemned. There's serious metal fatigue in all the load-bearing members, the wiring is substandard, it's completely inadequate for our power needs, and the neighborhood is like a demilitarized zone.

Dr. Raymond Stantz: Hey. Does this pole still work?

[slides down a fireman's pole]

Dr. Raymond Stantz: Wow. This place is great. When can we move in? You gotta try this pole. I'm gonna get my stuff. Hey. We should stay here. Tonight. Sleep here. You know, to try it out.

[Venkman looks at Spengler. Spengler slowly shakes his head. Venkman turns to the real estate agent]

Dr. Peter Venkman: I think we'll take it.

[Inspecting Dana's refrigerator for paranormal activity]

Dr. Peter Venkman: Oh, my *God*. Look at all the junk food!

Dana Barrett: No, goddammit. Look, this wasn't...

Dr. Peter Venkman: You actually eat this stuff?

Dana Barrett: Look, this wasn't here! There was *nothing* here! There was a space and there was a building or something with flames coming out of it, and there were creatures writhing around, and they were growling and snarling. And there were flames, and I heard a voice say "Zuul"! It was right here.

Dr. Peter Venkman: I'm sorry, I'm just not getting any readings.

Dana Barrett: Well, are you sure you're using that thing correctly?

Dr. Peter Venkman: Well, I... I think so, but I'm sure there are no animals in there.

Dana Barrett: Well that's great. Either I have a monster in my kitchen or I'm completely crazy.

Dr. Peter Venkman: [smiles] I don't think you're crazy.

Dana Barrett: [sarcastically] Oh, good, that makes me feel so much better.

[upon seeing the Slimer]

Dr. Peter Venkman: [very uncompfortably] Come in. Ray

Dr. Raymond Stantz: [on the walkie talkie] Venkman! I saw it! I saw it!

Dr. Peter Venkman: It's right here, Ray. It's looking at me.

Dr. Raymond Stantz: He's an ugly little spud isn't he?

Dr. Peter Venkman: I think he can hear you, Ray.

Dr. Raymond Stantz: Don't move! It won't hurt you.

Dr. Peter Venkman: [the Slimer charges at Venkman] Aaaaaahhh! Aaaaaahhh!

[Dana, possessed by "The Gatekeeper," answers the door]

Dana Barrett: Are you the Keymaster?

Dr. Peter Venkman: Not that I know of.

[She slams the door in his face. Venkman knocks again]

Dana Barrett: Are you the Keymaster?

Dr. Peter Venkman: Yes. Actually I'm a friend of his, he asked me to meet him here.

Dr. Peter Venkman: NOBODY steps on a church in my town.

Dr. Peter Venkman: He slimed me.

Dr. Raymond Stantz: That's great. Actual physical contact. Can you move?

Dr. Egon Spengler: [over walkie-talkie] Ray, Ray, come in please.

Dr. Peter Venkman: I feel so funky.

[a giant marshmallow man crashes through the streets of New York]

Dr. Peter Venkman: Well, there's something you don't see every day.

[Dana is possessed]

Dr. Peter Venkman: I make it a rule never to get involved with possessed people.

[Dana starts passionately making out with him, moaning audibly]

Dr. Peter Venkman: Actually, it's more of a guideline than a rule...

Dr. Peter Venkman: Nimble little minx, in't she?

Dr. Egon Spengler: We're gonna go full stream.

Dr. Raymond Stantz: Aim for the flattop!

[Ghostbusters shoot at Gozer, but she disappears]

Dr. Peter Venkman: [uncertainly] Wasn't so hard.

Dr. Peter Venkman: [surrounded by excited reporters during the montate sequence, which shows the Ghostbusters as a sudden popular culture craze] Twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week, no job is too big, no fee is too big!

Dr. Peter Venkman: I guess the roses worked, huh?

Dana Barrett: [possessed by Zuul] Take me now, subcreature.

Dr. Peter Venkman: [hands Egon a petri dish filled with ectoplasmic residue] Egon, your mucus.

Male Student: [after the beautiful female student has guessed 5 out of 5 cards right while he has "none"; actually he has one] What are you trying to prove here, anyway?

Dr. Peter Venkman: I'm studying the effects of negative reinforcement on ESP ability

Male Student: The effect? I'll tell you what the effect is, it's pissing me off!

[in front of the library ghost, their first ghost sighting]

Dr. Peter Venkman: So... what do we do?

[Egon and Ray stare at each other in silence. Peter grabs Ray's ear]

Dr. Peter Venkman: Would you come over here, please? That's it, c'mere Francine. What do we do?

[Egon pulls out a calculator and starts punching in numbers. Peter slaps the machine out of Egon's hand]

Dr. Peter Venkman: STOP THAT!

Dr. Peter Venkman: Janine, any calls?

Janine Melnitz: No.

Dr. Peter Venkman: Any messages?

Janine Melnitz: No.

Dr. Peter Venkman: Any customers?

Janine Melnitz: No, Dr. Venkman.

Dr. Peter Venkman: It's a good job, huh?

[she smiles]

Dr. Peter Venkman: Type something, will you? We're paying for this stuff! And don't stare at me, you got the bug-eyes.

[pause]

Dr. Peter Venkman: Janine, sorry about the bug-eyes thing. I'll be in my office.

Dr. Peter Venkman: See ya on the other side, Ray.

Dr. Raymond Stantz: Nice working with you, Dr. Venkman.

Dr. Raymond Stantz: Hey, Dean Yeager! Are you moving us to a better office on campus?

Dean Yeager: No, you're being moved off campus. The Board of Regents has decided to terminate your grant. You are to vacate these premises immediately.

Dr. Raymond Stantz: What?

Dr. Peter Venkman: This is preposterous. I demand an explanation.

Dean Yeager: Fine. This university will no longer continue any funding of any kind of your group's activities.

Dr. Peter Venkman: But the kids love us!

Dean Yeager: Doctor... Venkman. We believe that the purpose of science is to serve mankind. You, however, seem to regard science as some kind of dodge... or hustle. Your theories are the worst kind of popular tripe, your methods are sloppy, and your conclusions are highly questionable! You are a poor scientist, Dr. Venkman!

Dr. Peter Venkman: I see.

Dean Yeager: And you have no place in this department, or this university.

Dr. Peter Venkman: As a friend, I have to tell ya you've finally gone around the bend on this ghost business. You guys have been running your ass off, meetin' and greetin' every schizo in the five boroughs who says he has a paranormal experience. What have you seen?

Dr. Raymond Stantz: Of course you forget, Peter. I was present at an undersea, unexplained mass sponge migration.

Dr. Peter Venkman: Ray, the sponges migrated about a foot-and-a-half.

Dr. Peter Venkman: To our first custumer.

Dr. Raymond Stantz: To our FIRST and ONLY customer.

Dr. Peter Venkman: I'm gonna need to draw some petty cash. I should take her out to dinner. We don't wanna lose her.

Dr. Raymond Stantz: Uhhh... this magnificent feast here represents the LAST of the petty cash.

Dr. Peter Venkman: Slow down. Chew your food.

[Dana has been possessed by the demon Zuul]

Dr. Peter Venkman: I think we can get her a guest shot on "Wild Kingdom." I just whacked her up with about 300 cc's of Thorazaine... she's gonna take a little nap now.

[Ray and Peter have been fired]

Dr. Raymond Stantz: This is a major disgrace. Forget MIT or Stanford now. They wouldn't touch us with a 10-meter cattle prod.

Dr. Peter Venkman: You're always so concerned about your reputation. Einstein did his best stuff when he was working as a patent clerk!

Dr. Raymond Stantz: Do you know how much a patent clerk earns?

Dr. Peter Venkman: No!

Dr. Peter Venkman: [looking at the temporary sign on Ghostbusters HQ while a worker is hanging it up] You don't think it's too subtle, Marty, you don't think people are going to drive down and not see the sign?

[hears a siren approaching and an old, gray station wagon pulls up in the driveway]

Dr. Peter Venkman: Whoa! Whoa! You can't park right here!

[looks and sees Stantz in the driver's seat]

Dr. Raymond Stantz: [gets out] Everybody can relax, I found the car. Needs some suspension work and shocks. Brakes, brake pads, lining, steering box, transmission, rear-end.

Dr. Peter Venkman: How much?

Dr. Raymond Stantz: Only $4,800.

[Venkman looks shocked]

Dr. Raymond Stantz: Also new rings, mufflers, a little wiring.

Archbishop: Lenny, offically the church won't take any postion with the religious implications of these phenomenons. Personally Lenny, I think it's a sign from God, but don't quote me on that.

Dr. Peter Venkman: I think that's a smart move, Mike.

Dr. Raymond Stantz: Oh, I got to get some sleep, I'm dying.

Dr. Peter Venkman: You don't look good.

Dr. Raymond Stantz: I don't?

Dr. Peter Venkman: Well, you've looked better. You didn't used to look like this.

Dr. Peter Venkman: [tickling piano keys] They hate this. I like to torture them.

Dr. Peter Venkman: [the Ghostbusters are tiring as they climb twenty-two flights of stairs in their proton packs] Where are we?

Dr. Raymond Stantz: [gasps] Looks like we're in the teens... somewhere.

Dr. Peter Venkman: Well, when we get to twenty, tell me... I'm gonna throw up.

Dr. Peter Venkman: [Walter Peck gets kicked out of the Mayor's Office] Bye! I'm gonna get him a nice fruit basket.

Dr. Peter Venkman: [Walter Peck storms out of room] I'm gonna miss him.

Dr. Raymond Stantz: This is a major disgrace. Forget MIT or Stanford, now. They wouldn't touch us with ten meter caliprod.

Dr. Peter Venkman: You're always concerned about your reputation. Einstein did his best stuff when he was working as a patent clerk.

Dr. Raymond Stantz: You know how much a patent clerk earns?

Dr. Peter Venkman: No!

Dr. Raymond Stantz: Personally, I liked the university. They gave us money and facilities. We didn't have to produce anything! You've never been out of college. You don't know what it's like out there. I worked in the private sector. They expect results.

Dr. Peter Venkman: For whatever reasons, Ray. Call it fate. Call it luck. Call it karma. I believe that everything happens for a reason. I believe that we were destined to get thrown out of this dump.

Dr. Raymond Stantz: For what purpose?

Dr. Peter Venkman: To go into business for ourselves.

Dr. Raymond Stantz: This ecto containment system that Spengler and I have in mind is gonna require a load of bread to capitalize. Where are we gonna get the money?

Dr. Peter Venkman: I don't know. I 'don't' know.

Dr. Peter Venkman: All right, this chick is TOAST. Okay; sticks?

Dr. Raymond Stantz, Dr. Egon Spengler, Winston Zeddemore: HOLDIN'!

Dr. Peter Venkman: Heat 'em up!

Dr. Raymond Stantz, Dr. Egon Spengler, Winston Zeddemore: SMOKIN'!

Dr. Peter Venkman: MAKE 'EM HARD!

Dr. Raymond Stantz, Dr. Egon Spengler, Winston Zeddemore: READY!

Dr. Peter Venkman: Let's show this prehistoric bitch how we do things downtown.

Dr. Peter Venkman: [picking up his radio and speaking slowly] Come in, Ray.

Dr Ray Stantz: [excited] Venkman? I saw it, I saw it, I saw it.

Dr. Peter Venkman: [slowly, calmly] It's right here, Ray. It's... looking at me.

Dr Ray Stantz: He's an ugly little spud, isn't he?

Dr. Peter Venkman: [quickly] I think he can hear you, Ray.

Dr. Egon Spengler: I have a radical idea. The door swings both ways, we could reverse the polarity flow through the gate.

Dr. Peter Venkman: How?

Dr. Egon Spengler: [hesitates] We'll cross the streams.

Dr. Peter Venkman: 'Scuse me Egon? You said crossing the streams was bad!

Dr. Raymond Stantz: Cross the streams...

Dr. Peter Venkman: You're gonna endanger us, you're gonna endanger our client - the nice lady, WHO PAID US IN ADVANCE, before she became a dog...

Dr. Egon Spengler: Not necessarily. There's definitely a VERY SLIM chance we'll survive.

[pause while they consider this]

Dr. Peter Venkman: [slaps Ray] I love this plan! I'm excited it could work! LET'S DO IT!

Janine Melnitz: [Coming in as Egon was running tests on Louis who is possessed by Vince Clorthow] Egon, I tried to stop them they say they have a warrant.

Dr. Egon Spengler: Excuse me, this is private property.

Walter Peck: [after observing the storage facility] Shut this off, shut these all off.

Dr. Egon Spengler: I'm warning you. Turning off these machines would be extremely hazardous.

Walter Peck: No, I'll tell "you" what's hazardous, you're facing Federal prosecution for about a half dozen environmental violations. Now either you shut off these machines, or we'll shut them off for you.

Dr. Egon Spengler: Try to understand, this a high voltage laser containment system. Simply turning it off would be like dropping a bomb on the city.

Walter Peck: Don't patronize me, I'm not grotesquely stupid, like the people you've bilked!

Dr. Peter Venkman: [arriving, to the officer] At ease officer, I'm Peter Venkman, I'm a partner in this facility and I'm going to cooperate in any way that I can.

Walter Peck: Forget it, Venkman. You had your chance to cooperate, but you though it would be more fun to insult me. Well, now it's my turn, wiseass.

Dr. Egon Spengler: He wants to shut down the protection grid, Peter.

Dr. Peter Venkman: [to Walter Peck] You shut that thing down, and "we" are not gonna be held responsible for whatever happens.

Walter Peck: Oh yes you will, I'll make sure you will.

Dr. Peter Venkman: No, we won't be.

Walter Peck: [to the electrician] Shut it off.

Dr. Peter Venkman: [to the electrician] Don't shut it off. I'm warning ya.

Con Edison Man: I, I never seen anything like this before. I'm not sure...

Walter Peck: [Interrupting] I'm not interested in your opinion, just shut it off.

Dr. Peter Venkman: [Gets in electrician's way] My friend, don't be a jerk.

Police Sergeant: [Gets in Peter's way] Step aside.

Walter Peck: If he does that again, you can shoot him.

Police Sergeant: You do 'your" job, pencilneck. Don't tell me how to do mine.

Dr. Peter Venkman: Thank you, officer.

Walter Peck: [aggravatingly shouting] Shut it off!

Dr. Peter Venkman: oh, wait, wait, i've always wanted to do this! and...

[he yanks the tablecloth off of one of the tables, upsetting and breaking everything except a vase of flowers on the center of the table]

Dr. Peter Venkman: [shouting while offscreen] the flowers are still standing!

Dr. Peter Venkman: Janine, any messages?

Janine Melnitz: No.

Dr. Peter Venkman: Any calls?

Janine Melnitz: No.

Dr. Peter Venkman: [Desperate] Any customers?

Janine Melnitz: No, Dr. Venkman.

Dr. Peter Venkman: Good job, isn't it? Type something will ya, we're paying for this stuff,

[Walks off]

Dr. Peter Venkman: and don't stare at me you got the *bug eyes*. Janine, sorry about the bug eyes thing I'll be in my office.

[the Ghostbusters exit the elevator. Dr. Egon Spengler charges his proton pack]

Dr. Raymond Stantz: Come on.

[Chambermaid enters Hallway/corridor from Hotel Room]

Dr. Raymond Stantz: [Ray and Egon shout and blast her cart with proton beams]

Dr. Peter Venkman: Whoa! Hold it!

Chambermaid: What the HELL are you doing?

Dr. Egon Spengler: Sorry.

Dr. Peter Venkman: Sorry.

Dr. Raymond Stantz: I'm Sorry.

Dr. Peter Venkman: We thought you were someone else. Successful test.

Dr. Raymond Stantz: I guess so. I think we'd better split up.

Dr. Egon Spengler: Good idea.

Dr. Peter Venkman: Yeah, we can do more damage that way.

Dr. Raymond Stantz: My parents left me that house. I was born there.

Dr. Peter Venkman: You're not gonna lose the house, everybody has three mortgages nowadays.

Dr. Peter Venkman: [to the librarian ghost] I'm Peter Venkman. Where are you from... originally?

Dr. Peter Venkman: Maybe now you'll never slime a guy with a positron collider, huh?

[Dana is possessed]

Dr. Peter Venkman: So, what are we doing today, Zuul?

Dana Barrett: We must prepare for the coming of Gozer.

Dr. Peter Venkman: Gozer huh?

Dana Barrett: The Destructor.

[long pause]

Dr. Peter Venkman: Are we still going out?

Dr. Peter Venkman: I'll take Miss Barrett back to her apartment and check her out.

[Dana Barrett looks up confused]

Dr. Peter Venkman: I'll go check out Miss Barrett's apartment. OK?

[talking about Dana's building, while waiting in jail]

Dr. Egon Spengler: The architect's name was Evo Shandor. I found it in Tobin's Spirit Guide. He was also a doctor, performed a lot of unnecessary surgery. And then in 1920, he started a secret society...

Dr. Peter Venkman: Let me guess: Gozer worshippers.

Dr. Egon Spengler: Right.

Dr. Peter Venkman: [to Ray] No studying.

Dr. Egon Spengler: After the First World War, Shandor decided that society was too sick to survive.

[He pauses, glancing nervously around at the holding cell crowd]

Dr. Egon Spengler: And he wasn't alone, he had close to a thousand followers when he died. They conducted rituals up on the roof. Bizarre rituals, intended to bring about the *end of the world*, and now it looks like it might actually happen.

[pause. Peter spins around to face another of the inmates, and starts singing]

Dr. Peter Venkman: So be good, for goodness' sake! Whoa, somebody's coming...

Dr. Raymond Stantz: [after Gozer disappears] We've neutronized it, you know what that means? A complete particle reversal.

Winston Zeddemore: We have the tools, and we have the talent!

Dr. Peter Venkman: It's Miller time!

[the trio shake hands]

Jail Guard: Okay, Ghostbusters. The mayor wants to see you guys. The whole island's going crazy. Let's go.

[unlocks cell door]

Dr. Peter Venkman: [to the other inmates] I gotta split. The mayor wants to rap with me about some things.

Dr Ray Stantz: [after Ray thinks of the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man and it appears, stomping through New York City] I tried to think of the most harmless thing. Something I loved from my childhood. Something that could never, ever possibly destroy us. Mr. Stay Puft.

Dr. Peter Venkman: Nice thinking, Ray.

[alternate wording from cable TV version]

Dr. Raymond Stantz: Your honor, our system was working just fine until the power grid was turned off by wally wick here.

Walter Peck: They caused an explosion!

Mayor: [to Venkman] Is this true?

Dr. Peter Venkman: It's true, your honor. The man is some kind of rodent, I don't know which.

[first lines]

Dr. Peter Venkman: All right, I'm gonna turn over the next card. Concentrate... I want you to tell me what you think it is.

Dr. Peter Venkman: [to librarian Alice] Are you currently menstruating?

Library Administrator: What has that got to do with anything?

Dr. Peter Venkman: Back off man, I'm a scientist.

Dr. Peter Venkman: [after capturing Slimer] We came, we saw, we've kick its ass.

Hotel Manager: You've seen it? What was it?

Dr. Raymond Stantz: We've got it.

[Holds up the smoking ghost trap]

Dr. Raymond Stantz: Sir, what we have here is what we call a non-repeating phantasm, or a class-5 free roaming vapor, real nasty one too.

Dr. Peter Venkman: Okay.

[Clears throat]

Dr. Peter Venkman: Let's talk serious, for the entrapment, we're gonna ask you for 4 big ones $4,000 for that, but we are having a special this week on proton charging, and storage of the beast, so we are gonna ask for $1,000 fortunate.

Hotel Manager: $5,000 I had no idea it would be so much, I won't pay it.

Dr. Peter Venkman: Oh, that's okay we can just put it right back in there.

Dr. Raymond Stantz: We most certainly can, Dr. Venkman

Hotel Manager: [Stops Ray] No, no, NO! Anything.

[Peter hands the manager a check]

Dr. Raymond Stantz: Thank you. We hope that we can help you again.

[at jail, the ghostbusters study the blueprints of the building where Dana lives]

Dr. Egon Spengler: The structure of this roof cap is exactly like the kind of telemetry tracker that NASA uses to identify dead pulsars in deep space.

Dr. Raymond Stantz: Cold-riveted girders with cores of pure selenium.

Dr. Peter Venkman: [to a cellmate looking over the blueprints] Everybody getting this so far? So what? I guess they just don't make them like they used to.

Dr. Raymond Stantz: [impatiently] No!

[Ray slaps Peter on the forehead]

Dr. Raymond Stantz: Nobody ever made them like this! The architect was either a certified genius, or an authentic wacko.

Dr. Peter Venkman: Ray, for a moment, pretend that I don't know anything about metallurgy, engineering or physics, and just tell me what the hell is going on.

Dr. Raymond Stantz: You never studied. The whole building is a huge superconductive antenna that was designed and built for the purpose of pulling in and concentrating spiritual turbulence. Your girlfriend lives in the corner penthouse of spook central.

Dr. Peter Venkman: She's not my girlfriend. I find her interesting because she's a client and sleeps above her covers. Four feet above her covers. She barks, she drools, she claws...

Dr. Egon Spengler: It's not the girl, Peter, it's the building. Something terrible is about to enter our world, and this building is obviously the door!

[pause]

Dr. Egon Spengler: The architect's name was lvo Shandor. I found it in Tobin's Spirit Guide. He was also a doctor. Performed a lot of unnecessary surgery. And then, in 1920, he started a secret society.

Dr. Peter Venkman: Let me guess. Gozer worshipers.

Dr. Egon Spengler: Right.

Dr. Peter Venkman: [to Ray] No studying...

Dr. Egon Spengler: After the First World War, Shandor decided that society was too sick to survive. He wasn't alone. He had close to a thousand followers when he died. They conducted rituals up on the roof, bizarre rituals intended to bring about the end of the world. And now it looks like it may actually happen!

[pause. Peter spins around to face another of the inmates, and starts singing]

Dr. Peter Venkman: So be good, for goodness sake! Whoa... somebody's coming!

Dr. Raymond Stantz: Alright boys... Ready? Throw it!

[Ghostbusters fire away at Slimer; chandelier falls to the floor]

Dr. Raymond Stantz: I did that, I did that... That's my fault.

Dr. Peter Venkman: It's OK; the table broke the fall.

Dr. Peter Venkman: You're the best one on your row.