Dr. Maxford Quotes in Christmas in July (1940)

Dr. Maxford: [to Hartman] Of all the confounded...

[knock]

Dr. Maxford: [shouts] Come in!

Jimmy MacDonald: How da you do, sir? I suppose I have the honor of addressing Dr. Maxford, I presume?

Dr. Maxford: That's right. And this is my announcer Don Hartman.

Jimmy MacDonald: Well, Mr. Hartman. It certainly is a pleasure to meet you. I've certainly enjoyed your personality on the air.

Don Hartman: [pleased] Eh, congratulations to you!

Jimmy MacDonald: Thank you. Here's the telegram, Mr. Maxford... uh, Dr. Maxford.

Dr. Maxford: Yes, yes, yes.

[reading]

Dr. Maxford: Oh, yes... "great pleasure... informing you..." "$25,000!" "Kindly call and pick up your check."

[to Hartman]

Dr. Maxford: Bildocker has a great sense of the dramatic. You aren't by any chance a *coffee* drinker, are you, Mr. MacDonald?

Jimmy MacDonald: Yes, sir, I certainly am.

Dr. Maxford: Well, that's surprising. You don't by any chance drink *my* coffee, do you?

Jimmy MacDonald: Well, no, sir, you see I... eh...

Dr. Maxford: Oh, yesss . That sounds more natural.

Jimmy MacDonald: But I could easily change.

Dr. Maxford: That won't be necessary, Mr. MacDonald. I wouldn't want anybody to think that I had any *base commercial* motives in all this. I just *give* money away, because I can't *sleep* at night. I have a guilty conscience.

Jimmy MacDonald: That's my slogan! The one I *won* with. Well... I guess you know all about that.

Dr. Maxford: A guilty conscience, eh? I can see that my money is well spent.

[staring blankly at Jimmy]

Dr. Maxford: That's a *great* slogan.

Jimmy MacDonald: No - no, sir. If ya can't sleep at night, it isn't the coffee, it's the bunk.

Dr. Maxford: I beg your pardon?

Jimmy MacDonald: It's a pun.

Dr. Maxford: It certainly is.

[staring blankly again]

Dr. Maxford: It's *great*.

Jimmy MacDonald: Thank you.

Dr. Maxford: I can hardly wait to give you my money.

[to intercom]

Dr. Maxford: Bring me that contest check.

Dr. Maxford: ... and I said you can stay here 'til *Hoboken* freezes over! I should have fired the whole bunch of 'em!

Don Hartman: I was mortified.

Dr. Maxford: The biggest moment in commercial annals muffed by a gang of horse whistles who wouldn't know a slogan from a... ma-ma-ma... a poke in the eye with a stick!

Don Hartman: I thought I'd die of embarrassment.

Dr. Maxford: I wish they died a lockjaw. What good are these contests anyway? They interrupt the entire organization - they make ya millions of enemies - and all they prove is you're making too much money in the first place, since you can afford to toss a large chunk to some sap head who probably never had a cup of your coffee in his life but lives on goat's milk.

Don Hartman: Have they reached a verdict, yet?

Dr. Maxford: I don't know and I don't care!

Don Hartman: Maybe if they hold off 'til our next broadcast...

Dr. Maxford: No.

[shouts]

Dr. Maxford: No! That would be the *intelligent* thing to do. That would be useful to the company that clothes and feeds 'em and sends their children to college... so they can grow up and be dumbbells like their parents.

Don Hartman: [ironically smirking] Heh, hee, hee, hee.

Dr. Maxford: [intercom rings] Well, what da *you* want?!

Maxford's secretary: The contest winner's here, Dr. Maxford.

Dr. Maxford: The contest winner?

Maxford's secretary: Yes, sir.

Dr. Maxford: [to Hartman] Well, how do you like that. First they bottle up the biggest scoop of the year and then when they get good and ready they...

[to the intercom]

Dr. Maxford: All right, send 'im in!

Jimmy MacDonald: I don't know whether you've ever had anything like this happen to you, Dr. Maxford, but to be poor and unknown one minute and be sitting on top of the world the next minute - that's a feeling that *nobody* can ever take away from me.

Dr. Maxford: Well, I'll be... I'll be... I'll be...

Jimmy MacDonald: To know I won this contest because I thought up a better slogan than anyone else means more to me than anything else on earth and I'll tell ya why...

Dr. Maxford: If you wou -

Jimmy MacDonald: You see, I used ta *think* that maybe I had good ideas and was gonna get somewhere in the world, but now I *know* it. And that's what I want to thank you for, Dr. Maxford, even more than the money.

Maxford's secretary: Is this the one you wanted, Dr. Maxford? The $25,000 one?

Dr. Maxford: That's right.

Maxford's secretary: When did they choose a winner? I didn't know...

Dr. Maxford: I don't *know*. They bother to inform *me* about these things, of course! James MacDonald - is that M-A-C or M-C?

Jimmy MacDonald: It's M-A-C, sir.

Dr. Maxford: Oh, yesss... my... my grandmother was Scottish.

Don Hartman: [pointing] Mine's Lithuanian.

Dr. Maxford: Here you are, young man. Eh, it is customary under these circumstances to have few photographers present - a couple of reporters and even newsreels and broadcasting machinery, but since we do everything around here on a very high, non-commercial plane, I merely take pleasure in giving you this small check, Mr. Mac - er - Donald. And that's *all* there is to it.

Jimmy MacDonald: [deeply grateful] Thank you, Dr. Maxford.

[looking briefly at check]

Jimmy MacDonald: I don't know how I could ever find words...

Dr. Maxford: Well, never mind about them, just goodbye and good luck.

Jimmy MacDonald: [looks once more at check] Oh, boy!

[turns and leaves]

Dr. Maxford: [to intercom] Now, get me Bildocker!