Dr. Finch Quotes in Running with Scissors (2006)

Dr. Finch: You can't come in here, this is my mastabatorium!

Dr. Finch: Where would we be without our painful childhoods?

Dr. Finch: Well, the only loophole or way I could see me getting you out of school for any considerable length of time would be for you... to commit suicide.

Augusten Burroughs: You want me to kill myself?

Dr. Finch: Well, if you tried to kill yourself, I could explain to the schoolboard that you were psychologically unfit to attend, and that you needed intensive treatment. It would a staged suicide attempt. Of course, your poor mother would have to find you and drive you the hospital, where you would stay for three weeks or a month for observation.

Augusten Burroughs: I don't know. It doesn't...

Dr. Finch: Augusten. Where is your spirit of adventure?

Dr. Finch: Everyone! Come quickly! Wake up! Wake up! A miracle! A miracle! A miracle has occured!

Agnes Finch: What're you looking at?

Natalie: Dad's morning shit.

Dr. Finch: See? See how the duplicoil is breaking out of the surface of the water? Holy Father.

Agnes Finch: Doctor, let me draw you a nice bath.

Dr. Finch: Agnes, go get a shoehorn. A shoehorn, Agnes.

Hope: But what does it mean, Dad?

Dr. Finch: It means our financial situation is turning around. It means things are looking upward. Literally, the shit is pointing out of the pot! Towards Heaven, to God. My turd is a direct communication from the Holy Father.

[Augusten and Natalie try to hide their laughter]

Dr. Finch: No, no, no, no, children. No. Laugh. Laugh! God is... He is the funniest man in the universe. Agnes, I want you to carefully remove this, take it outside, and let it dry in the sun. We're starting a shrine, Agnes. A shrine. Hope, let's prepare.

[from trailer]

Dr. Finch: [taking out some pills] Would you like some of these?

Augusten Burroughs: What are they?

Dr. Finch: I just got some samples in the mail, so I don't know.

Dr. Finch: Hope, you've no business being in here! This is my masturbatorium!

Neil Bookman: I'm a fuck-up and it's your fault!

Dr. Finch: That's right, Neil. Blame your father for your inability to focus. Direct all of that rage at me if it makes you feel better.

Neil Bookman: I can't focus because of the voices! I see you for what you are. Yeah. The camera never lies. No! My parents have given you thousands of dollars and I'm still sick! You have to help me get better! You know what I do! You have to help me get better!

Dr. Finch: You're right, Neil. You're right. I've done nothing, apparently. I've never pulled any strings, gotten you a scholarship to the University of Rochester to pursue your photographic interests. Absolutely nothing.

Neil Bookman: You just wanted to get rid of me. Why won't you let me live in this house and be a part of this family?

Dr. Finch: Because I am the patriarch! And when the patriarch says jump, you jump, goddamnit! You don't co-operate, Neil, and for that, you're punished!

Neil Bookman: That's not why you won't let me live in this house. You won't let me because you're afraid of me, aren't you? Of what I could do to you in the middle of the night while you're sleeping. Huh? You're afraid of me. Aren't you, Doctor?

Dr. Finch: Our time is up, Neil. I believe we've made a breakthrough today.

Norman Burroughs: So... you're saying we should split up?

Dr. Finch: In order to reach that conclusion, Norman, I would need to see both you and Deirdre on a regular and disciplined basis, for five hours a day.

Deirdre Burroughs: I'm available, Doctor Finch.

Norman Burroughs: Five hours a day? I can't do that! I have to work!

Deirdre Burroughs: See, Doctor Finch, I told you. I'm married to a narcissist.

Dr. Finch: Norman, if I'm willing to clear my schedule to save your marriage, but you're not... then get out! Leave this office, go home, and start dividing your books and your record albums.

Norman Burroughs: This is bullshit. This is really fucking bullshit.

Dr. Finch: [begins writing in his notebook]

Norman Burroughs: What're you writing?

Dr. Finch: "Norman Burroughs is homicidal. He is an unapologetic alcoholic. He is dangerous and a threat to himself, his wife, and his child."

Dr. Finch: [Finch wakes up and sees Neil standing over him with scissors] Neil? What're you doing, son?

Neil Bookman: SHUT UP! I'm not your son!

Natalie: What the hell is going on?

Dr. Finch: It's all right.

[Neil drops the scissors and walks away crying]

Dr. Finch: Neil? Neil! NEIL!

[from trailer]

Dr. Finch: Hope... You are, by far, my favorite daughter.

Dr. Finch: My turd is a direct communication from the Holy Father.

Deirdre Burroughs: I'm unhappy.

Norman Burroughs: I'm unhappy.

Dr. Finch: Norman. If you're so unhappy, why stay in this marriage?

Norman Burroughs: I don't know why. My son.

Dr. Finch: I don't think that's why you stay, Norman. I think you stay because it's comfortable. It's what you know. You were trapped in your childhood by a castrating mother and as an adult male you have sought the same female archetype.

Deirdre Burroughs: [nodding] Well, that's - just - brilliant... and very true.

Dr. Finch: If by that you're asking am I the great patriarch, the father-giver, who fulfills wishes and challenges dreams and brings merriment to those who are suffering, well then yes, Augusten, I am Santa Claus.

Dr. Finch: Well, the only loophole or way I could see me getting you out of school for any considerable length of time would be for you... to commit suicide.

Augusten Burroughs: You want me to kill myself?

Dr. Finch: Well, if you tried to kill yourself, I could explain to the schoolboard that you were psychologically unfit to attend, and that you needed intensive treatment. It would be a staged suicide attempt. Of course, your poor mother would have to find you and drive you to the hospital, where you would stay for three weeks or a month for observation.

Augusten Burroughs: I don't know. It doesn't...

Dr. Finch: Augusten. Where is your spirit of adventure?

[first lines]

1st Nurse: What's wrong, sir?

Dr. Finch: This one doesn't want to be born.