Dr. Evil Quotes in Austin Powers in Goldmember (2002)

Dr. Evil: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to my submarine lair. It's long, hard and full of seamen!

[laughs, then notices he isn't getting any laughs from his submarine crew]

Dr. Evil: No? Nothing? Not even a titter? Tough sub...

Goldmember: Dr. Evil, we still have the ultimate insurance policy. May I present to you, the very sexual, the very toite, Austin Power's fahza.

Dr. Evil: His what?

Number 2: His fahza, Dr. Evil.

Dr. Evil: His farger? What's a farger?

Goldmember: His fahza. You know, the fahza.

Dr. Evil: You know Goldmember, I don't speak freaky-deaky Dutch. Okay, perv boy?

Goldmember: Fahza, his dad, dad is fahza.

Dr. Evil: Oh, his dad. His *fa-ther*

Dr. Evil: Our early attempts at a tractor beam went through several preparations. Preparations A through G were a complete failure. But now, ladies and gentlemen, we finally have a working tractor beam, which we shall call... Preparation H.

[Scott snickers]

Dr. Evil: What?

Scott Evil: Why don't you just call it operation ass-cream, you ass.

Dr. Evil: I'm sorry, did you say you want some ice cream?

Scott Evil: Yes, I'd love some chocolate ass-cream.

Dr. Evil: Perhaps later.

Number 2: Dr. Evil, I love your plan.

Dr. Evil: You do?

Frau Farbissina: Yah. It's a really good plan.

Dr. Evil: Yes Frau, on the whole Preparation H feels good.

[Scott resumes snickering]

Dr. Evil: What is it now?

Scott Evil: No, I totally agree with you. Preparation H does feel good... on the hole.

Dr. Evil: Are those sharks with laser beams attached to their heads?

Scott Evil: [nods]

Dr. Evil: Cool! You mean that I actually have frickin' sharks with frickin' laser beams attached to their frickin' heads?

Scott Evil: [to Dr Evil] I hate you.

[to Austin]

Scott Evil: I hate you.

[to Foxxy]

Scott Evil: I don't even know you but I hate you too.

[to Mini-Mi]

Scott Evil: And I ESPECIALLY hate you.

[to everyone]

Scott Evil: You'll pay. YOU'LL ALL PAY!

[Scott runs away]

Dr. Evil: I'd just like to point out that no one else in my gene pool runs like a girl.

Nigel Powers: Easy peasy, lemon-squeasy. What, is this your first day on the job or something? Look, this is how it goes; You try to attack me, one at a time, and I knock you both out with a single punch. Ready? Go!

[Dr. Evil's henchmen do exactly as he predicted]

Nigel Powers: Judo chop. Judo chop.

Dr. Evil: Oh, he's good.

Henchman Sailor: [approaches warily]

Nigel Powers: Do you know who I am?

Henchman Sailor: [nods]

Nigel Powers: Have you got any idea how many anonymous henchmen I've killed over the years?

Henchman Sailor: [nods again]

Nigel Powers: I mean, look at you. You don't even have a name tag. You've got no chance. Why don't you just fall down?

[henchman falls down]

Goldmember: Dr. Evil, can I paint his yoo-hoo gold? It's kind of my thing, you know.

Dr. Evil: [comes over to Goldmember] How 'bout no, you crazy Dutch bastard?

[after being struck in the groin by a meteor prop]

Dr. Evil: Alright, let me find my balls, for God's sakes! 1, 2, and 3, okay. I'm okay.

Dr. Evil: I haven't laughed that hard since I was a little girl. Thank you.

Goldmember: Dr. Evil, You look very toit. Yesh, toit like a toiger. Yesh Yesh Yesh.

Dr. Evil: You know, Goldmember? I don't think that's something one dude should say to another dude. Yeah. A little creepy. Mmhmm.

Dr. Evil: Well, congratulations numb nuts... you've succeeded in turning me into a frickin' Jack in the box. Get it off! Get it off! It's dark, it's dark!

Dr. Evil: Quid pro-quo, Mr. Powers.

Austin Powers: Yes, squid pro row.

Dr. Evil: Lower the globe.

Frau Farbissina: LOWER THE GLOBE!

Dr. Evil: [Earth Globe lands on Dr. Evil's head and head goes through Globe] OW! Ow!

Goldmember: Shizer!

Dr. Evil: Well, Congratulations, Numb-Nuts! You've succeeded in turnin' me into a frickin' Jack-In-The-Box!Get it off. Get it off! It's Dark, it's dark!

Goldmember: [picking skin off his back] Oh yesh. Yesh yesh yesh yesh. This is a keeper.

Dr. Evil: Alright, you're not going to put that skin in your mouth, are you?

Goldmember: [eats piece of skin]

Dr. Evil: You did. Okay, that's just gross.

[Mini-Me cringes and shakes head]

Goldmember: Yesh, shalty. Yesh, that was good.

Dr. Evil: Using my time machine I shall travel back to 1975, pick up Goldmember and bring him back to the future. And the best part of this plan is... no one can stop me. Not even... Austin Powers.

[All laugh maliciously]

Austin Powers: Not so fast. You're surrounded, Doctor Evil.

Dr. Evil: Shit

Dr. Evil: All right, it's getting crowded in here. Everyone out. Everyone out. C'mon.

[Everyone starts to leave]

Dr. Evil: Not you, Scottie. Not you, Number 2. Not you, Frau. Not you, Goldmember. Not you, guys back there. Not you, henchman holding wrench. Not you, henchman arbitrarily turning knobs, making it seem like you're doing something.

[Scott and Dr. Evil look at Mini Me]

Dr. Evil: Ohh, this is uncomfortable.

Goldmember: Heheheh, the tiny one can't take a hint, Heheheheh. He doesn't understand he's small.

Dr. Evil: I don't know how to be no crib on MTV, God only knows, got my mini-me and the GP see how it goes. Evil's all that I see, you ask me my name? D to the rizzo, E to the vizzo, I to the lizzo. I'm a crazy motherfucker, y'all knew that. Austin caught me in the first act, it's all backwards, what's up with that? So I'll make a prophecy from the dogs to the mini-me. Gimme and Escalade, two way, bling-bling on eBay. DOMINO, motherfucker!

Young Dr. Evil: [deleted scene]

[Young Austin in standing naked behind Young Dr. Evil holding a book labeled "Balzac"]

Young Dr. Evil: Would it kill you to put on some clothes? Honestly it's like living with frickin Sasquatch.

Young Austin Powers: Hey, have you seen my Balzac?

Young Dr. Evil: I'm looking at your Balzac right now.

Dr. Evil: [cuts back to Dr. Evil in the cell] No,no. You got it all wrong, it wasn't Balzac.

Young Austin Powers: [cuts back to Young Austin Powers and Young Dr. Evil, this time, holding a book labeled "Dickens"] Have you seen my Dickens?

Young Dr. Evil: I'm looking at your Dickens right now.

Dr. Evil: [cuts back to Dr. Evil in the cell] No. It wasn't "Dickens" either.

Young Austin Powers: [cuts back to Young Austin Powers and Young Dr. Evil, this time holding a book labeled "Longfellow"] Have you seen my Longfellow?

Dr. Evil: I never knew my birth parents. There was a car accident. My birth mother was incinerated, and I only survived because her smoking carcass had formed a protective cocoon of slaughtered human effluence. A Belgian man and his fifteen year-old love slave were looting the accident scene, and came across a blood soaked baby, moi. They raised me to be evil. You know, that old chestnut.

Frau Farbissina: I have some news. It's your son. He wants to take over the family business!

Dr. Evil: [overjoyed] Scotty does?

Frau Farbissina: He's gotten so evil, he's even started losing his hair.

Dr. Evil: I'm Dougie, I'm Dougie.

Dr. Evil: Stick that in your pipe and smoke it.

Dr. Evil: Boo-frickity-hoo.

Number 2: Dr. Evil, can you continue with your plan?

Dr. Evil: Of course, Number 2, our plan is SCOTTY DON'T.

Scott Evil: Oh, come on, you're such a lame ass.

Dr. Evil: [whispers] Is he sleeping? Then I guess Mini-Me doesn't want any...

Dr. Evil: [loudly] *chocolate*!

[Mini-Me awakens]

Scott: [both on the Jerry Springer show] How could you do this to me? On national television!

Dr. Evil: Well, throw me a freakin' bone here, Scott!

Scott: Why did you run out on me?

Dr. Evil: Because you're not quite evil enough.

[audience boos]

Dr. Evil: Well it's true! It's true! You're semi-evil. You're quasi-evil. You're the margarine of evil. You're the Diet Coke of evil. Just one calorie, not evil enough.

Number Two: Why not use your knowledge of the future to play the stock markets? We could make trillions.

Dr. Evil: Why make a trillion when we could make... billions?

Scott: A trillion's more than a billion, numbnuts.

Scott: If you've got a time machine, why don't you just go back and kill Austin Powers when he's sitting on the crapper or something?

Dr. Evil: How about, no, Scott? Okay?

Basil: Did we get Dr. Evil?

Radar Operator: No, sir, he got away in that big spaceship that looks like a huge...

Teacher: Penis. The male reproductive organ. Also known as tallywhacker, schlong, or...

Friendly Dad: Wiener? Any of your kids want another wiener?

Friendly Son: Dad, what's that?

Friendly Dad: I don't know, son, but it has great big...

Peanut Vendor: Nuts. Hot, salty nuts. Who wants some?...

Peanut Vendor: Lord Almighty!

Woman: That looks just like my husband's...

Circus Barker: ONE-EYED MONSTER. Step right up and see the One-eyed Monster!

Cyclops: RARRR.

Cyclops: Hey, what's that? It looks like a...

Fan: Woody. Woody Harrelson. Could I have your autograph?

Woody: Sure. Oh, my Lord! Look at that thing!

Fan: It's so huge.

Woody: No, I've seen bigger. That's...

Dr. Evil: Just a little prick.

Dr Evil: Well, looks like you have a choice, Mr. Powers. Save the world, or save your girlfriend.

Felicity Shagwell: Austin!

Past Austin: Felicity!

Felicity Shagwell: Don't worry about me, Austin! You've got to save the world!

Austin: [arrives from the time machine] I choose love, baby!

Past Austin: Wait a tick. Who are you?

Austin: I'm you ten minutes from now.

Past Austin: Damn it. You are handsome, baby, yeah!

Austin: [laughs] I was just thinking the same.

Past Austin: We are sexy!

Austin: We are sexy bitches, yes!

Dr Evil: Alright, this is re-goddamn-diculous. Kill them both!

Dr. Evil: [about his new "laser"] You see, I've turned the moon into what I like to call a "Death Star".

[Scott snickers]

Dr. Evil: What?

Scott: Oh, nothing, Darth.

Dr. Evil: What did you call me?

Scott: Nothing.

Scott: [pretends to sneeze] Ripoff.

Dr. Evil: Bless you.

Dr. Evil: Talk to the hand, 'cause the face don't wanna hear it anymore.

The President: What hand? Talk to your hand?

Dr. Evil: You ain't all that and a bag of potato chips.

The President: What are you talking about?

Dr. Evil: Don't go there, girlfriend.

[snaps fingers]

Dr. Evil: Mmhmm.

The President: Whose girlfriend?

Dr. Evil: Don't mess with me. I'm one crazy mo-fo. I had to pop a cop cause he wasn't giving me my props in Oaktown. No? I've heard that somewhere.

Scott: Look, I was wondering if we could work all this out? You are, after all, my father.

Dr Evil: Scott, you had your chance, okay? I've already had someone created in my image. He's evil, he wants to take over the world, and he fits easily into most overhead storage bins.

Scott: Him? Look at him, he's crazy. He's like a vicious little Chihuahua thing. He'll kill me the first chance he gets.

Dr Evil: Probably.

Dr. Evil: Mini Me, stop humping the "laser". Honest to God! Why don't you and the giant "laser" get a fricken room for God's sakes?

Dr. Evil: Ow! You shot me, you A-Hole.

Dr. Evil: [deep voice] Austin, I'm your father.

Austin: Really?

Dr. Evil: No, not really. I can't back that up.

Austin: Right. Idiot. Yes.

Dr. Evil: Mini-Me, no, we don't gnaw on our kitty. Leave Mini- no! Leave Mini-Mr. Bigglesworth alone. Just love him, stroke him.

Dr. Evil: Hang on, Mini-Me! If anything should happen to you, I don't know what I would do.

[pauses]

Dr. Evil: I'd probably move on, get another replica, but there would be a 10 minute period there where I would just be inconsolable.

Dr. Evil: The moon unit will be divided into two divisions: Moon Unit Alpha and Moon Unit Zappa.

[Dr. Evil raps to Mini Me, to the tune of "Just The Two of Us"]

Dr. Evil: From the moment I heard Frau say I had a clone, I knew that I'd be safe cuz I'd never be alone. An evil doctor shouldn't speak aloud about his feelings, my hurt and my pain don't make me too appealing. I'd hoped Scott would look up to me, run the business of the family, head an evil empire just like his dear old dad, give him my love and the things I never had. Scott would think I was a cool guy, return the love I have, make me want to cry, be evil, but have my feelings too, change my life with Oprah and Maya Angelou. But Scott rejected me, c'est la vie, life is cruel, treats you unfairly, even so, a God there must be, Mini Me, you complete me.

[Mini Me's chair is malfunctioning and he's thrown into the rafters]

Dr. Evil: Mini Me? Where are you? Could someone put a fricken bell on him or something?

Dr. Evil: [singing while playing the piano] What if god was one of us / Just a slob like one of us / Blue blue blue blue blue blue blue / Bla bla bli bli bli.

[Everyone applauds]

Dr. Evil: Thank you, yes, thank you. I wrote that.

Dr. Evil: Any ways, the key to this plan is the giant laser. It was invented by the noted Cambridge physicist Dr. Parsons. Therefore, we shall call it the Alan Parsons Project.

Scott: Oh, my God.

Dr. Evil: What now?

Scott: The Alan Parsons Project is a progressive rock band in 1982. Why don't you just name it 'Operation Wang-Chung'? Ass.

Dr. Evil: I'm sorry, i don't...

Scott: Oh nothing. I'm sure 'Operation Bananarama' will be huge.

Dr. Evil: As you know, every diabolical scheme I've hatched has been thwarted by Austin Powers. And why is that, ladies and gentlemen?

Scott: Because you never kill him when you get the chance, and you're a big dope?

Dr. Evil: Mojo: The libido. The life force. The essence. The right stuff. What the French call a certain... I don't know what.

Dr. Evil: Cool.

Dr. Evil: [Stealing the globe on the Jerry Springer show] The world is mine! The world is mine ya motherf***ers!

Dr. Evil: Mr. President, after I destroy Washington D.C. I will destroy another major city every hour on the hour. That is, unless, of course, you pay me

[emphasis]

Dr. Evil: one hundred billion dollars.

The President: [bursts with laughter] Dr. Evil, this is 1969! That amount of money doesn't even exist.

[laughing]

The President: That's like saying,

[with changed voice]

The President: "I want a kajillion bajillion dollars."

[Dr. Evil's rotating chair is out of control]

Dr. Evil: The power of Christ compels you! The power of Christ compels you!

Dr. Evil: Number Two, you look so healthy, and youthful. Frau, you look so... right.

Frau Farbissina: I will never love another man.

Dr. Evil: [remembers Unibrau] That's true.

[before sex]

Dr. Evil: Don't worry, mama. Things won't get weird.

[after sex]

Dr. Evil: It got weird, didn't it?

Frau Farbissina: Ya.

Dr. Evil: Yeah. Right. I knew it.

Dr. Evil: Scott, I've been a frickin' evil doctor for 30 frickin' years! So cut me some frickin' slack. You forget, Scott, that we're inside a volcano. We're surrounded by liquid hot magma.

Dr. Evil: [Before sex with Frau, takes a drink then pours some of the bottle on the ground] One for me, and one for my homies.

Dr. Evil: All right. Zip it.

Scott: You know, you can't even...

Dr. Evil: Zip it! Zip.

Scott: Look, all I'm...

Dr. Evil: Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, ex-zip-it A.

Scott: Number Two, would you please back me up?

Dr. Evil: Look! I'm "Zippy" Longstocking!

Scott: Ugh. I can't...

Dr. Evil: [to the tune of Devo's "Whip It"] When a problem comes along, you must zip it!

Dr. Evil: [imitates whip] Zip it good!

Scott: Frau, would you please - ?

Dr. Evil: [speaks Japanese] Subtitle: "Zip it".

Scott: I'm just trying to...

Dr. Evil: Zip! Would you like to have a suckle of my "zipple"?

Fat Bastard: First things first. Where's your shitter? I've got a turtle-head poking out.

Dr. Evil: Charming.

Fat Bastard: I'm not kidding. I've got a crap on deck that could choke a donkey. Aw, it's squidgy. Christ, I'm gettin' all emotional from it, ya know?

Dr. Evil: Sick as a dog. Okay. Okay. Gonna vomit.

Dr. Evil: [Mini-Me is carried off into the rocket] Take special care of him.

[choking up with tears]

Dr. Evil: He's my special boy!

Dr. Evil: The details of my life are quite inconsequential... very well, where do I begin? My father was a relentlessly self-improving boulangerie owner from Belgium with low grade narcolepsy and a penchant for buggery. My mother was a fifteen year old French prostitute named Chloe with webbed feet. My father would womanize, he would drink. He would make outrageous claims like he invented the question mark. Sometimes he would accuse chestnuts of being lazy. The sort of general malaise that only the genius possess and the insane lament. My childhood was typical. Summers in Rangoon, luge lessons. In the spring we'd make meat helmets. When I was insolent I was placed in a burlap bag and beaten with reeds- pretty standard really. At the age of twelve I received my first scribe. At the age of fourteen a Zoroastrian named Vilma ritualistically shaved my testicles. There really is nothing like a shorn scrotum... it's breathtaking- I highly suggest you try it.

Dr. Evil: Gentlemen, I have a plan. It's called blackmail. The Royal Family of Britain are the wealthiest landowners in the world. Either the Royal Family pays us an exorbitant amount of money, or we make it seen that Prince Charles has had an affair outside of marriage and therefore would have to divorce!

Number Two: Prince Charles *did* have an affair. He admitted it, and they are now divorced.

Dr. Evil: Right, people you have to tell me these things, okay? I've been frozen for thirty years, okay? Throw me a frickin' bone here! I'm the boss! Need the info.

[pause]

Dr. Evil: Okay no problem. Here's my second plan. Back in the 60's, I had a weather changing machine that was, in essence, a sophisticated heat beam which we called a "laser." Using these "lasers," we punch a hole in the protective layer around the Earth, which we scientists call the "Ozone Layer." Slowly but surely, ultraviolet rays would pour in, increasing the risk of skin cancer. That is unless the world pays us a hefty ransom.

Number Two: [pause] That also already has happened.

[in original pressings, Number Two said "That also has already been done."]

Dr. Evil: Shit. Oh hell, let's just do what we always do. Hijack some nuclear weapons and hold the world hostage. Yeah? Good! Gentlemen, it has come to my attention that a breakaway Russian Republic called Kreplachistan will be transferring a nuclear warhead to the United Nations in a few days. Here's the plan. We get the warhead and we hold the world ransom for... ONE MILLION DOLLARS!

Number Two: Don't you think we should ask for *more* than a million dollars? A million dollars isn't exactly a lot of money these days. Virtucon alone makes over 9 billion dollars a year!

Dr. Evil: Really? That's a lot of money.

[pause]

Dr. Evil: Okay then, we hold the world ransom for...

Dr. Evil: One... Hundred... BILLION DOLLARS!

Dr. Evil: Scott, I want you to meet daddy's nemesis, Austin Powers

Scott Evil: What? Are you feeding him? Why don't you just kill him?

Dr. Evil: I have an even better idea. I'm going to place him in an easily escapable situation involving an overly elaborate and exotic death.

Scott Evil: I was thinking I like animals. Maybe I'd be a vet.

Dr. Evil: An evil vet?

Scott Evil: No! Maybe like work in a petting zoo.

Dr. Evil: An evil petting zoo?

Scott Evil: You always do that!

Dr. Evil: You know, I have one simple request. And that is to have sharks with frickin' laser beams attached to their heads! Now evidently my cycloptic colleague informs me that that cannot be done. Ah, would you remind me what I pay you people for, honestly? Throw me a bone here! What do we have?

Number Two: Sea Bass.

Dr. Evil: [pause] Right.

Number Two: They're mutated sea bass.

Dr. Evil: Are they ill tempered?

Number Two: Absolutely.

Dr. Evil: Oh well, that's a start.

Scott Evil: I just think, like, he hates me. I really think he wants to kill me.

Therapist: He doesn't really want to kill you. Sometimes we just say that.

Dr. Evil: No actually the boy is quite astute. I really am trying to kill him, but so far unsuccessfully. He's quite wily, like his old man.

[first lines]

Dr. Evil: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to my underground lair. I have gathered here before me the world's deadliest assassins, and yet each of you has failed to kill Austin Powers. That makes me angry. And when Dr. Evil gets angry, Mr. Bigglesworth gets upset. And when Mr. Bigglesworth gets upset... people DIE!

Scott Evil: I hate you! I hate you! I wish I was never artificially created in a lab!

Dr. Evil: Scott, that hurts daddy when you say that. Honestly.

Dr. Evil: All right guard, begin the unnecessarily slow-moving dipping mechanism.

[guard starts dipping mechanism]

Dr. Evil: Close the tank!

Scott Evil: Wait, aren't you even going to watch them? They could get away!

Dr. Evil: No no no, I'm going to leave them alone and not actually witness them dying, I'm just gonna assume it all went to plan. What?

Scott Evil: I have a gun, in my room, you give me five seconds, I'll get it, I'll come back down here, BOOM, I'll blow their brains out!

Dr. Evil: Scott, you just don't get it, do ya? You don't.

Scott Evil: It's no hassle...

Dr. Evil: Sh!

Scott Evil: But...

Dr. Evil: Sh!

Scott Evil: I'm...

Dr. Evil: Sh!

Scott Evil: All I'm say...

Dr. Evil: Sh!

Scott Evil: There gonna get a...

Dr. Evil: Sh!

Scott Evil: I'm...

Dr. Evil: Sh!

Scott Evil: I'm just...

Dr. Evil: Sh!

Scott Evil: Would...

Dr. Evil: Sh!... Knock-knock.

Scott Evil: Who's there?

Dr. Evil: Sh!

Scott Evil: But...

Dr. Evil: Let me tell you a little story about a man named Sh! Sh! even before you start. That was a pre-emptive "sh!" Now, I have a whole bag of "sh!" with your name on it.

Austin Powers: [holding Scott hostage] It seems the tables have turned again, Dr. Evil.

Dr. Evil: Not really. Kill the little bastard, see if I care.

Scott Evil: But dad, we just had a breakthrough in group.

Dr. Evil: I had the group LIQUIDATED, you little shit! They were insolent!

Austin Powers: Dr. Evil, do you really expect them to pay?

Dr. Evil: No, Mr. Powers. I expect them to die.

U.N. Representative: So, Mr. Evil...

Dr. Evil: It's Dr. Evil, I didn't spend six years in Evil Medical School to be called "mister," thank you very much.

Dr. Evil: I like to see girls of that... caliber.

[pause]

Dr. Evil: By "caliber," of course, I refer to both the size of their gun barrels and the high quality of their characters... Two meanings... caliber... it's a homonym... Forget it.

Frau Farbissina: Remember when we froze your semen? You said that if it didn't look like you were coming back we should try to create an heir so a part of you would live forever?

Dr. Evil: Oh sure.

Frau Farbissina: Well, after a couple of years we got a little... impatient. Dr Evil, I would like you to meet your son.

Dr. Evil: My son?

Frau Farbissina: Ja. SCOTT!

[Scott enters]

Dr. Evil: Hello Scott.

Scott Evil: Hi.

Dr. Evil: I'm your father. Dr Evil.

Scott Evil: I haven't seen you my whole life and now you just show up and *expect* a relationship? I hate you. What?

Dr. Evil: Can I have a hug?

Scott Evil: No.

Dr. Evil: Give me a hug.

Scott Evil: No way.

Dr. Evil: Come on. Let's go. Pronto.

Scott Evil: What are you doing?

Dr. Evil: I'm with it. I'm hip. Well, don't look at me like I'm friggin' Frankenstein! Come here and give your father a hug.

Scott Evil: Get away from me, you lazy-eyed psycho!

[Dr. Evil runs after him with his arms out]

Dr. Evil: Hug, hug, hug.

Dr. Evil: Finally, we come to my number two man. His name? Number Two.

Dr. Evil: This is Frau Farbissina, founder and leader of the militant wing of the Salvation Army.

Dr. Evil: I demand the sum... OF 1 MILLION DOLLARS.

Dr. Evil: Why must I be surrounded by frickin' idiots?

[last line before credits]

Dr. Evil: I'm gonna get you Austin Powers! It's frickin' freezing in here, Mr. Bigglesworth.

Dr. Evil: [Dr. Evil is introducing his henchmen] Patty O'Brien: ex-Irish assassin. His trademark?

[Patty O'Brien is shown wearing a bracelet with trinkets on it]

Dr. Evil: A superstitious man, he leaves a tiny keepsake on every victim he kills. Scotland Yard would love to get their hands on that piece of evidence.

Paddy O'Brien: Aye. They're always after me lucky charms.

[Dr. Evil and Frau Farbissina laugh]

Paddy O'Brien: What? Why does everyone always laugh when I say that? They *are* after me lucky charms! What?

Frau Farbissina: It's a television commercial. With this cartoon leprechaun, and all of these children are trying to chase him, "Hey, leprechaun, leprechaun man, we want to get your lucky charms." Oh! And there are these little tiny pieces of mashmallow just stuck right in the cereal. So when the kids eat them they think, "Oooh this is candy, I'm having fun!"

Dr. Evil: [calls to his cat while shaking a bag of Meow Mix] Din-Din! "I wants chicken, I want liver, Meow Mix, Meow Mix, please deliver!"

Dr. Evil: There's nothing more pathetic than an aging hipster.

Therapist: We have some new-comers here today. Please say hello to Scott and his father Mr... Ev-ille?

Dr. Evil: Evil, Actually, Dr. Evil.

The Group: Hello, Scott. Hello, Dr. Evil.

Scott Evil: Hi, everybody.

Dr. Evil: Do you like your quasi-futuristic clothes Mr. Powers? I designed them myself.

Dr. Evil: Son, wouldn't you like to see what daddy does for a living?

Scott Evil: Blow me.

Dr. Evil: What?

Scott Evil: Show me.

Dr. Evil: One more peep out of you and you're grounded Mister and I am not joking. Let's begin.