Dr. Cockroach Ph.D. Quotes in Monsters vs. Aliens (2009)

Dr. Cockroach Ph.D.: Might we ask for your name, madam?

Susan Murphy: Susan.

B.O.B.: No, we mean like your monster name. You know, what do people scream when they see you coming? Like "Look out! Here comes...?"

Susan Murphy: Susan.

Dr. Cockroach Ph.D.: Really?

B.O.B.: [spookily] SUUUUSSAAANN! Ooh, I just scared myself! That is scary!

Dr. Cockroach Ph.D.: [about B.O.B] Forgive him, but as you can see, he has no brain.

B.O.B.: Turns out, you don't need one. Totally overrated! As a matter of fact, I don't even...

[starts gasping for air]

B.O.B.: I forgot how to breathe! Don't know how to breathe! Help me, Doctor Cockroach! Help! Help!

Dr. Cockroach Ph.D.: Suck in, B.O.B.

B.O.B.: [breathes normally] Thanks, Doc. You're a life saver.

The Missing Link: So, how was Derek?

[pause]

Susan Murphy: Derek's a selfish jerk.

B.O.B.: No!

Susan Murphy: Yes. All that talk about us - "I'm so proud of us", "Us just got a job in Fresno" - There was no us, it was just Derek. Why did I have to get hit by a meteor to see that? I was such an idiot!

[kicks roof of gas station, sending B.O.B. flying]

Susan Murphy: Why did I ever think life with Derek would be so great anyway? I mean, look at all I've done without him. Fighting a alien robot? That was me, not him! And it was amazing! Meeting you guys... amazing. Dr. Cockroach, you can climb walls, and build a super-computer out of a pizza box, 2 cans of hairspray...

Dr. Cockroach Ph.D.: And a paper clip!

Susan Murphy: Amazing! And you. You hardly need an introduction; you're the Missing Link! You personally carried off 250 co-eds off Cocoa Beach, and still had the strength to fight off the National Guard!

The Missing Link: And the Coast Guard. And also the Life Guard.

Susan Murphy: Amazing!

[B.O.B. lands]

Susan Murphy: B.O.B! Who else could fall from unimaginable heights and end up without a single scratch?

B.O.B.: Link?

Susan Murphy: You.

B.O.B.: Amazing!

[Insectosaurus roars]

The Missing Link: Good point, Insecto! Susan, don't shortchange yourself.

Susan Murphy: Oh, I'm not gonna shortchange myself.

[stands at full height]

Susan Murphy: Ever again!

B.O.B.: My, would you look at the size of that...

Dr. Cockroach Ph.D.: Foot!

[Cockroach and Link jump out of the way, as the robot steps on B.O.B]

B.O.B.: [from the sole of the robot's foot, as it's walking] I got him you guys! I got...

[robot takes a step]

B.O.B.: Don't worry, I won't let go! I'm wearing him do...

[robot takes a step]

B.O.B.: Please tell me he's slowing down!

[robot takes a step]

B.O.B.: Please tell me he's slowing down!

Dr. Cockroach Ph.D.: They called me crazy, but I'll show them. I'll show them all! Mwa-ha-ha-ha-ha!

Susan Murphy: Dr. Cockroach, I would really appreciate it if you didn't do your mad scientist laugh while I'm hooked up to this machine.

[Insectosaurus roars]

The Missing Link: You're right Insecto. You've been letting this quack experiment on you for over a month.

Dr. Cockroach Ph.D.: I'm not a quack! I'm a mad scientist. There is a difference.

Susan Murphy: Guys, what choice do I have? If he can make me normal, or even six-foot-eight, I can get out of here, go back to the life I'm supposed to have. I mean, I should be with Derek in...

The Missing Link: Let me guess? Fresno?

Susan Murphy: Well, Fresno is just a stepping stone. Next stop, Milwaukee, then New York, and finally, some day...

The Missing Link: Yeah, we know, Paris.

Susan Murphy: Throw the switch, doctor. But-but don't do the laugh.

Dr. Cockroach Ph.D.: Now, you're going to feel a slight pinch in the brain. Mwa-ha-ha... Sorry.

[turns on machine; Susan is shocked with electricity until she passes out; when she comes to, the others are standing over her]

Dr. Cockroach Ph.D.: Susan! Yoo-Hoo!

Susan Murphy: Am I small again?

Dr. Cockroach Ph.D.: I'm afraid not, my dear.

[Susan sits up, her hair standing on end]

Dr. Cockroach Ph.D.: In fact, you may actually have grown a couple of feet.

Dr. Cockroach Ph.D.: [Building an atom bomb out of Legos] Oh, Susan. Might you happen to have a little uranium on you? Just a smidge.

General W.R. Monger: [On walkie-talkie] Revoke Dr. Cockroach's toybox privileges, immediately.

The Missing Link: Halt! I, Gallaxhar, order you to release the prisoner at once!

Gallaxhar clone: Clearly, you are defective beyond repair. Guards, take this defective clone to the incinerator!

[pause]

Gallaxhar clone: Well, what are you waiting for? You and you!

[Points at Dr. Cockroach and B.O.B]

Dr. Cockroach Ph.D.: Seriously?

Gallaxhar clone: Yes. Take the prisoner and the defective clone to the incinerator.

Dr. Cockroach Ph.D.: Uh, yes, of course.

Gallaxhar clone: And here's a security pass in case you need it.

[Offering a laser gun to B.O.B]

Gallaxhar clone: Would you like a gun?

B.O.B.: Yes, I would. Hey, you guys, check this out.

[Gun goes off and hits clone]

The Missing Link: Okay...

Computer: Your busted, tired moves are no match for my security protocols.

Susan Murphy: We can't hold them off much longer!

Dr. Cockroach Ph.D.: There's one thing you don't know about me, my dear. My PhD is in... dance!

The Missing Link: [about Susan] She's speechless!

B.O.B.: She?

Dr. Cockroach Ph.D.: Yes. We are in the prescence of the rare female monster.

B.O.B.: No way! It's a boy; look at his boobies!

The Missing Link: We need to have a talk.

The Missing Link: No monster has even gotten out of here.

B.O.B.: That's not true! The invisible man did.

The Missing Link: No he didn't. We just told you that so you wouldn't get upset.

Dr. Cockroach Ph.D.: He died of a heart attack twenty-five years ago.

B.O.B.: NO!

The Missing Link: Yeah. In that very chair.

[motions towards an empty chair]

The Missing Link: He's still there.

Dr. Cockroach Ph.D.: By Hawking's chair!

Susan Murphy: I can't believe it! Soon I'll be back in Derek's arms... or... he'll be in mine.

The Missing Link: Ahh I can't wait for spring break back at Cocoa Beach just... freakin' everybody out.

B.O.B.: And I'll go back to my lab and finally finish my experiments.

Dr. Cockroach Ph.D.: No no, that's me, B.O.B.

B.O.B.: Then I'll be a really giant lady.

Dr. Cockroach Ph.D.: That's Susan, B.O.B.

B.O.B.: Fine. Then I'll go back to Modesto and be with Derek.

The Missing Link: Yeah, that's still Susan B.O.B.

B.O.B.: I think I at least deserve a chance to be with Derek!

Dr. Cockroach Ph.D.: My, what a shindig. Your parents really know how to throw it down.

The Missing Link: Huh? Oh, yeah. That was the best party I've even been to since I left prison.

B.O.B.: I don't know what party you guys went to, because that's not how I interpreted it at all. I don't think your parents like me, and I think that Jello gave me a fake phone number.

Dr. Cockroach Ph.D.: [as the ship is about to explode] It's been a pleasure knowing you, Link.

The Missing Link: The feeling's mutual, Doc.

B.O.B.: I will see you guys tomorrow, for lunch.

The Missing Link: That's right, B.O.B.

Dr. Cockroach Ph.D.: And they'll be ice-cream and cake, and balloons.

B.O.B.: Cake and balloons for lunch? It's gonna be the best day ever! I love you guys!

Dr. Cockroach Ph.D.: What my associate is trying to say, is that we all think the new Susan is the cat's me-WOW!

Dr. Cockroach Ph.D.: Poor Link. After all that tough talk, you were outmonstered by a girl. No wonder you're depressed.

The Missing Link: Hey, I'm not depressed. I'm just tired.

B.O.B.: Why are you tired? You didn't do anything.

The Missing Link: I haven't been sleeping well lately, all right? I have sleep apnes... apne... apnea. Whatever, it's not fun.

General W.R. Monger: I'm so proud of you monsters, I'd cry if I hadn't lost my tearducts in the war. But not crying will have to wait. The world needs you again.

Susan Murphy: What is it, general?

General W.R. Monger: Seems a snail fell into a French nuclear reactor. As I speak, Escargantua is slowly making his way to Paris.

Susan Murphy: Well, I've always wanted to go to Paris. Now, who's with me?

The Missing Link: What do you say, Butterfly... osaurus?

[Insectosaurus roars]

The Missing Link: We're in.

B.O.B.: I'm in!

Dr. Cockroach Ph.D.: Count me in too.

Dr. Cockroach Ph.D.: Would anyone care for an atomic gin fizz? It's got quite a...

[drink explodes]

Dr. Cockroach Ph.D.: ... kick.

Dr. Cockroach Ph.D.: You can't crush a cockroach! Mwahahaha!

General W.R. Monger: For the last fifty years, I've been your prison warden, but that it's no longer the case. For what it's worth...

[Salutes]

B.O.B.: Well, that's rude. What did we do?

Dr. Cockroach Ph.D.: No, B.O.B., that's not rude. It's a sign of great respect.

Dr. Cockroach Ph.D.: At least the garbage was free.

Dr. Cockroach Ph.D.: Gentlemen, I'm afraid we're not making a very good first impression.

The Missing Link: Well, at least I'm talking. First new monster in years, and we couldn't get, like, a wolfman or a mummy? You know, someone I can play cards with.

B.O.B.: It's just legs? Why did they capture a giant pair of legs?

Dr. Cockroach Ph.D.: Silence, B.O.B! She'll hear you!

B.O.B.: How? Legs don't have ears.

Dr. Cockroach Ph.D.: Hello.

Susan Murphy: Eww!

[Swats at Dr. Cockroach with her spoon]

Dr. Cockroach Ph.D.: Will you stop... Careful!

[hangs on to the spoon]

Dr. Cockroach Ph.D.: Madam, please!

Susan Murphy: Where's Derek?

Wendy Murphy: He's at the TV station.

Carl Murphy: You know how he is about his work.

Susan Murphy: Well, we can't celebrate without him.

Wendy Murphy: Susan, what about your little friends?

Susan Murphy: Just leave out some snacks. They'll eat anything.

Dr. Cockroach Ph.D.: [diving into a trashcan] Oh, ambrosia!

General W.R. Monger: Monsters, I'm so proud of you, I could cry, if I hadn't lost my tear ducts in the war. But not crying will have to wait. The world needs you again.

Susan Murphy: What is it, General?

General W.R. Monger: Seems a snail fell into a French nuclear reactor. As we speak, Escargantua is slowly making it's way to Paris.

Susan Murphy: Well, I've always wanted to go to Paris. Now who's with me?

The Missing Link: What do you say, Butterfly... osaurus?

[Butterflyosaurus roars, saying *yes*]

The Missing Link: We're in.

B.O.B.: I'm in!

Dr. Cockroach Ph.D.: Count me in too.