Dr. Bernardo Quotes in Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Sex * But Were Afraid to Ask (1972)

Victor Shakapopulis: Doctor, I read a statement you made that, uh, you felt that the average length of a man's penis should be nineteen inches. Doesn't that seem a little long?

Dr. Bernardo: Long? My friend, I'm making discoveries you wouldn't dream of.

Dr. Bernardo: Yes I know, but nineteen inches. I mean that's-...

[Victor makes hand gestures]

Dr. Bernardo: Does it sound mad? That's what they called me at Masters and Johnson's clinic, mad. Because I had visions of explorations in sexual areas undreamed of by lesser human beings. It was I who first discovered how to make a man impotent by hiding his hat. I was the first one to explain the connection between excessive masturbation and entering politics. It was I who first said that the clitoral orgasm should not be only for women! They ridiculed me, said I was mad, haha! But I showed them. They threw me out of Masters and Johnson, no severance but, and I had it coming. But I showed them!

Victor Shakapopulis: Are we having dessert?

Helen Lacey: You're insane!

Dr. Bernardo: That's what they called me at Masters and Johnson for creating a 400-foot diaphragm. Contraception for the entire nation at once!

Dr. Bernardo: In here I have twenty scouts. I want to measure your respiration when they gang-bang you.

Dr. Bernardo: Here I'm studying premature ejaculation in a hippopotamus.

Victor Shakapopulis: How often does that problem come up with a hippo?

Dr. Bernardo: Here I'm forcing a man to have intercourse with a large rye bread. They're getting on famously! Here I'm going to take the brain of a lesbian and put it into the body of a man who works for the telephone company.

Victor Shakapopulis: But why? What good will this do anybody?

Dr. Bernardo: It'll show those fools who called me mad!