Dr. Arliss Loveless Quotes in Wild Wild West (1999)

Dr. Arliss Loveless: Mister West! How nice of you to join us tonight and add COLOR to these monochromatic proceedings!

Capt. James West: Well when a fella comes back from the dead, I find that an occasion to STAND UP and be counted!

Dr. Arliss Loveless: Miss East informs me that you were expectin' to see General McGrath here. Well, I knew him years ago, but I haven't seen him in a COON's age!

Capt. James West: Well, I can see where it'd be difficult for a man of your stature to keep in touch with even HALF the people you know.

Dr. Arliss Loveless: Well, perhaps the lovely Miss East will keep you from bein' a SLAVE to your disappointment!

Capt. James West: Well, you know beautiful women; they encourage you one minute, and CUT THE LEGS OUT from under you the next!

Dr. Arliss Loveless: We may not have a woodshed on board, but that boy is gonna get a whuppin' anyway!

Dr. Arliss Loveless: Why y'all look like you've seen a ghost? It's me, dear friends - alive and kicking! Well, alive, anyway. We may have lost the war, but heaven knows we haven't lost our sense of humor! No, not even when we've lost a lung, a spleen, a bladder, two legs, thirty-five feet of small intestine, and our ability to reproduce - all in the name of the South! - do we EVER LOSE OUR SENSE OF HUMOR!

[Artemus is wearing a bulletproof vest]

Artemus Gordon: I only have one request: that you aim for my heart, my heart which has loved this country so much.

Dr. Arliss Loveless: Shoot him in the head.

Artemus Gordon: [quietly] Damn.

Dr. Arliss Loveless: Rita, my dear. Not that I'm ungrateful to providence for bringing you back, but I have to confess - I'm just a little bit curious as to how you managed to wind up with them.

Rita Escobar: Well, they seemed so sure that they could find you, I thought if I stayed with them, they'd bring me back to all my friends.

[In a low voice]

Rita Escobar: Not to give you a big head, but, I kind of missed you.

Dr. Arliss Loveless: Well, isn't that a coincidence? Cos, I kinda miss me too!

Dr. Arliss Loveless: The wrongs will be righted! The past made present! The United - divided!

McGrath: [shouting] You sawed-off sadistic bastard! You've betrayed us!

Dr. Arliss Loveless: My dear General, having donated half of my physical being to create a weapon capable of doing this, how did you and General Lee repay my loyalty? You surrendered at Appomattox! So who betrayed whom?

Capt. James West: For four long years I've been chasing the animal responsible for the massacre at New Liberty. I hear tell that's you.

Dr. Arliss Loveless: I am not an animal! I am a visionary, I am a genius, and now I am *angry*! And after I kill you, I swear I'm going to boil you down for axle grease!

Dr. Arliss Loveless: [after blasting McGrath] Well, I think that concludes this night's festivities. Ladies, feed him to the crabs.

[he turns to face the assembled foreign dignitaries]

Dr. Arliss Loveless: Gentlemen, since the beginning of written history a nation's power has been measured by the size of its standing army. Tonight that chapter will be closed. The traditional army, to say nothing of the United States, will become extinct, laid low by a *cripple*-!

[splash as McGrath's body hits the water]

Dr. Arliss Loveless: -as the general so amusingly implied, and mechanology. But my friends, that tank is just a little hors d'oeuvre compared to what the country's greatest scientists are cooking up for me next. So, if I have piqued your interest, bring one thousand kilograms of your country's gold to Spider Canyon in ten days time. And now if you'll excuse me, I have a tank to catch.

Dr. Arliss Loveless: Gentlemen, I am truly impressed by your effort and ingenuity. Why not swear an oath of loyalty to me, and forgo your executions?

Capt. James West: Actually, I was thinking I'd stuff your little half-an-ass into one of these cannons and fertilize the landscape with ya.

[as the Tarantula approaches a small town]

Dr. Arliss Loveless: Mr. President, for the last time, sign the surrender, or I will decimate this town!

President Grant: You've had my answer.

Dr. Arliss Loveless: Well, I understand your position, sir, but I urge you to reconsider, in light of the following!

[opens fire]

Munitia: [aiming a shot at West's & Gordon's train] I have them square in my sights, Sire!

Dr. Arliss Loveless: [staring at her buttocks] As do I, Munitia! As do I!

Dr. Arliss Loveless: Well now isn't this a coincidence? I'm out for a little morning ride and right in the middle of nowhere I bump into General Ulysses S. Grant himself!