Dr. Allan Pearl Quotes in Waiting for Guffman (1996)

Dr. Allan Pearl: I think I got a, a, an entertaining bug... from my grandfather... uh, Chaim Pearlgut, who was very very big in the, um, Yiddish, uh, theater, back in New York. He was in the, the very... the sardonically irreverent... "Dybbuk Shmybbuk, I Said 'More Ham'"... and that revue I believe was 1914, and that revue was what made him famous. Incidentally, the song "Bubbe Made A Kishke" came from that revue.

Dr. Allan Pearl: [singing] Nothing ever happens on Mars/No sports or entertainment/No swinging bars/You stand around/You stand some more/On a planet named for the Roman god of war.

Ron Albertson: I had to have penis reduction surgery.

Dr. Allan Pearl: Penis *reduction*?

Sheila: I said to him, "Ron, you've gotta do something!" And he says to me, "Well, why don't you get one of those vagina enlargements?"

[the Pearls and the Albertsons are dining at the Chop Suey Chinese kitchen]

Ron Albertson: Let me ask you something. You're a medical man.

Dr. Allan Pearl: Yes.

Ron Albertson: Uh... I wanna ask you something... if you... you...

[stands up, prepares to drop trousers]

Dr. Allan Pearl: [Horrified] Oh!

Ron Albertson: No, I, I...

Dr. Allan Pearl: Oh, for heaven's sake, no, noooooo...

Ron Albertson: Look, no please, I just want...

Dr. Allan Pearl: No!

Mrs. Allan Pearl: You don't have to do that...

Ron Albertson: Doctor, please...

Dr. Allan Pearl: Mmmmmedicine Man not go near Dances With Stumpy! Noooo!

[the cast of "Red, White And Blaine" is in its first rehearsal]

Corky St. Clair: I'd like you to close your eyes now, and I'd like you to try something, all right? Now what are you thinkin', what are you feeling right now, with your eyes closed?

[Blows in Dr. Pearl's ear]

Dr. Allan Pearl: I feel a bree... a... you're blowing in my ear.

Corky St. Clair: Okay, all right, but you see you jumped... to a conclusion!

Dr. Pearl: Oh!

Corky St. Clair: See, what I'm asking for is... your first feeling... was not that I was blowing on you. It was more like... Virgin Isles, or... Bahamanian...

Dr. Pearl: Oh...

Corky St. Clair: Or... Arubian...