Doyle Quotes in Shanghai Knights (2003)

Doyle: I think you gentlemen should accompany me back to the Yard.

[Cut to Roy and Chon in a cell at Scotland Yard]

Roy: This isn't a yard! It's a JAIL!

Lord Rathbone: Perhaps you could explain to me how Looney Lin managed to escape from the confines of Scotland Yard under the watch of the most respected police force in the world.

Doyle: Yes, of course, it's absolutely fascinating. She picked the lock using a deck of rather risqué playing cards. Then scaled the walls with a mop, a fork, and various pilfered undergarments. I've got to hand it to the Chinese, they're awfully ingenious, Lord, aren't they?

Lord Rathbone: Does your incompetence know no bounds?

Doyle: [to Nelson] No matter how far you are from the throne, you'll always be number one in our hearts.

[Handing Doyle Roy's watch]

Chon Wang: What else can you tell?

Doyle: The owner of this watch is a bad gambler and a lousy shot. Although he's cheated death several times, he spends most of his life wandering in a rather pathetic and futile search for purpose and respect... oh, yes. He has a penchant for loose women.

Doyle: You look ridiculous.

Roy: I think we look good.

Doyle: It's hopeless. We'll never get past the guards.

Roy: Well, not with that attitude, we won't.

John Smith: I'm surprised you aren't mad at me... I thought you might hold it against me for killing 3 of your guys.

Doyle: It's the only cure I know for being stupid.

Jack McCool: Mr. Doyle wants you to come work for us full time.

John Smith: I'm not sure he can afford it.

Doyle: Try me.

John Smith: A thousand dollars.

Doyle: A week... or a day?

Doyle: We have a mission.

Cooper: Yeah, and our mission is to find a planet that can habitate the people living on Earth right now. Okay? Plan A does not work if the people on Earth are dead by the time we pull it off.

Doyle: You can't just think about your family. You have to think bigger than that.

Cooper: I'm thinking about my family and millions of other families.

Doyle: Where's the rest?

Brand: Towards the mountains!

Cooper: Those aren't mountains... they're waves.

Brand: Oh shit. Oh shit!

Cooper: That one's moving away from us...

Brand: [struggling through the water] We need the recorder!

Cooper: [he looks in the other direction and sees a mounting wave towering thousands of feet over them] Brand, Doyle, back to the Ranger, now!

Romilly: Of all these anomalies, the most significant is this: out near Saturn, a disturbance of space-time.

Cooper: It's a wormhole?

Romilly: Appeared 48 years ago.

Cooper: And, it leads where?

Dr. Brand: Another galaxy.

Cooper: A wormhole's not a naturally occurring phenomenon...

Brand: Someone placed it there.

Cooper: "They."

Brand: And whoever they are, they appear to be looking out for us. That wormhole, lets us travel to other stars. Came along right as we needed it.

Doyle: They've put potentially habitable worlds right within our reach. Twelve, in fact, from our initial probes.

Cooper: You send probes into that?

Doyle: Mm-hm.

Dr. Brand: We sent *people* into it. Ten years ago.

Cooper: The Lazarus missions.

Dr. Brand: Twelve possible worlds, twelve Ranger launches, carrying the bravest humans ever to live. Led by the remarkable Dr. Mann.

Doyle: Each person's landing pod had enough life support for two years, but they could use hibernation to stretch that, making observations on organics over a decade or more. Their mission was to assess their world, and if it showed potential, then they could send out a signal, bed down for the long nap, wait to be rescued.

Cooper: And what if the world didn't show promise?

Doyle: Hence the bravery.

Doyle: Potentially habitable worlds right within our reach.

Brand: Could save us from extinction.

[as they pass through the wormhole a space-time distortion appears inside of the Endurance]

Romilly: What is that?

Brand: I think it's them.

[she reaches toward the distortion]

Doyle: Don't, don't!

[Brand touches the distortion; the Endurance exits the wormhole and space returns to normal]

Romilly: What was that?

Brand: [grinning] First handshake.

[while landing on Miller's planet]

CASE: We should ease.

Cooper: Hands where I can see 'em, CASE! The only time I ever went down was when a machine was easing at the wrong time.

CASE: A little caution...

Cooper: Will get you killed, just like reckless driving.

Doyle: Cooper, it's too damn fast!

Cooper: I got this.

CASE: Should I disable the feedback?

Cooper: No. I need to feel the air.

[as the Endurance is about to enter the wormhole]

Cooper: Any trick to this, Doyle?

Doyle: No one knows.

Cooper: Well, the others made it, right?

Doyle: ...at least some of them.

[Cooper glares at Doyle]

Doyle: Really big sunglasses.

Park Policeman: Bike horn.

Doyle: Small mouth bass

Park Policeman: Bowling Pin

Doyle: [Yells in pain] Mouse Trap.

Park Policeman: Rubber Chicken.

Mask: A little to the left... that's it.

Doyle: [squeezes a stress releaver toy a few times] mmmm, I don't know. Funny eyeball glasses?

Mask: I've never seen those before in my life.

Park Policeman: Bazooka?

Mask: I have a permit for that.

Doyle: [going through The Mask's pocket] Picture of Kellaway's wife.

Lieutenant Mitch Kellaway: What?

Mask: Uh-oh.

Lieutenant Mitch Kellaway: Margaret!

Mask: Geez I thought you would have a sense of humor. After all - you married her!

[slaps both Kellaway and Doyle in the face repeatedly]

Mask: That's gotta hurt.

Lieutenant Mitch Kellaway: Get'em!

[looks down to see his and Doyles wristes are handcuffed to eachother]

Lieutenant Mitch Kellaway: Doyle!

Mayor Mitchell Tilton: I want to see you in my office first thing tomorrow morning.

Lieutenant Mitch Kellaway: Yes, your honor.

Doyle: That doesn't sound good at all.

Lieutenant Mitch Kellaway: [Sarcastically] No, it doesn't sound good. What would sound good to you?

Doyle: Breakfast!

Lieutenant Mitch Kellaway: SHUT UP!

Doyle: I missed 'em.

Lieutenant Mitch Kellaway: C'mon... we all missed 'em.

Doyle: You got any pickle relish?

Lieutenant Mitch Kellaway: Doyle, get in the car.

Doyle: But I ordered onion rings.

Lieutenant Mitch Kellaway: Doyle!

Mimi: Where'd you come from?

Doyle: My mom and the authorities are still trying to figure that out.

Doyle: I've never quit anything in my life except for Chinese calligraphy, my thesis: "Tuna and You - The Early Years", Kangaroo Anatomy, Toe Photography, booger sculpture and masturbation. Well, maybe not masturbation but give me a break it's the only thing I'm good at.

Doyle: First Frisky now this! All I know is someone's goin' down!

Bud: Whoa Doyle! Put the gun down, put the gun down stubs! We don't need evil right now, evil is not good!

Doyle: Hi, I'm Doyle.

Bud: And I'm Bud.

Bud, Doyle: And when where not saving the environment, we're thinkin' of you, naked, thigh deep in tofu.

Bud: We have to show the girls that we care about the environment, too.

Doyle: Do we?

Bud: No.

Bud: Russel! How'd you get a job?

Russell: Fucking President Clinton.

Doyle: You had sex with President Clinton?

Doyle: I don't want to have to eat you!

Bud: I don't want you to eat me either.

Doyle: Miss? If you were yogurt, would you be fruit at the bottom or stirred?

Jen: I don't know you.

Doyle: I'm Doyle Johnson, you've seen me naked.

Bud: Vazquez Lake?

Doyle: More like Vazquez crap hole.

Monique: What about hands across America?

Bud: I had arthritis!

Monique: Farm aide?

Doyle: I had fleas!

Monique: The Save the Whales Campaign?

Bud: Salt water makes Doyle bloat...?

Doyle: [geting out of the car to go into what he thinks is a Mall to pee] Rip Van TinkleFest!

Dutch: Listen you little son of a bitch, you could've killed someone with a stunt like that. That poor bastard was on his way home to see his family and because you wanted to play some kind of a spoiled brat prank, you put his life in jeopardy. Now what gives you the right to do that?

Doyle: I guess I didn't think about that.

Dutch: Well you better start thinking about a little something else besides your own spoiled ass! I took on this idiotic assignment because I love your mother. I gotta wonder how nuts I am. Man I've met some scum in my life but you beat all, man, you are absolutely worthless. You know what, this is a full blown mission, you're not gonna beat me. I've had my head split open, my nose mashed, I've been kicked and beat and left for dead, and when I set you on your mama's doorstep, you're gonna be one whipped little puppy.

[last lines]

Dutch: Before we start, run in the other room and get my coat, would ya. I've got something in there for your mother.

Doyle: Right now?

Dutch: Yeah.

Natalie: Can't it wait?

Dutch: Well, it's something very special.

[grins all around]

Doyle: Okay...

[gets up from table]

Dutch: [to Natalie] Move over.

[to her horror he shoots Doyle with the pellet gun]

Doyle: Yipe!

[Looking over a menu]

Doyle: What won't make me vomit?

Doyle: Does campus security know you're here?

Dutch: Can you say, "I'm sorry I hit you with a golf club? Kicked your face? Mashed your testes? Shot you twice?" If that's too much, a simple "hello" would do.

Doyle: Answer my question.

Dutch: You can't say that?

Doyle: Of course I can say it.

[long, melodramatic pause]

Doyle: I choose not to.

Dutch: [aims the bb pistol] Now can you?

Doyle: No.

Dutch: Well, then I have to shoot you. Now, since we might be legally related someday, I'll give you the option of taking it on the backside. Won't hurt as bad.

Dutch: I told your mother I'd take you home for the holidays.

Doyle: I have plans.

Dutch: You gonna stay here? Watch the football game on TV? Make a turkey sandwich and hang yourself in the toilet?

Doyle: We have a very big problem here.

Dutch: I suppose we do. I have a problem because I told your mother I'd pick you up. And you have a problem because the last guy that punched me has a dent in his forehead the size of my pinky ring, and he dribbles when he smiles.

Doyle: My father is one of the most powerful men in this country! When he hears what you did to me, he'll sue your working-class ass into complete and total destitution!

Dutch: How do you know I'm working-class?

Doyle: From your cheap shoes, to your ridiculous hairstyle, to your crude vocabulary, to my mother's taste in men, you scream it.

Dutch: And is working-class bad.

Doyle: If you want to get into a political discussion with me, I'll shred you. No, it's not bad. A solid economy needs hand workers.

Doyle: Fireworks are illegal in Illinois.

Dutch: Yes they are but this is Tennessee, so it doesn't matter.

Doyle: You're gonna detonate this material now?

Dutch: No not here in the gas station, you nuts? We'll go down the road a piece. I got M80s, Dragon Tongues, Bombay Bugles, Jersey Stinkers, Ha ha ha I don't even know what this is. For later I got a bag of pretzels and a deck of racy playing cards.

Doyle: You're like a great big demented child.

Dutch: Hee hee hee hee hee.

Doyle: You still gonna shoot me in the ass?

Dutch: [smiling] Yes.

Doyle: I don't hate my mother. For the record!

Dutch: Kiss my ass for the record!

Dutch: [Doyle & Dutch are in a restaurant and Doyle claims he can kick Dutch's butt] Well, I won't cop to that, but I will say this. There's one thing I can do that you can't...

Doyle: [smug grin] Oh yeah? What?

Dutch: ...I can pay for my breakfast.

Doyle: I could have frozen to death, you asshole!

Dutch: I don't think you would have frozen. Not solid, anyway, it's not quite cold enough for that. Here's the deal, Dobsie: I don't screw around. You piss me off, I react. I'm not your daddy, I'm not your friend, I'm not your uncle. I'm a working-class nobody, and I don't take crap from kiddies.

Doyle: Someone from any sort of decent background would knock. And she's not my "mom". I don't have a "ma". You, may have a "ma". I have a mother. Okay?

Teddy: Do you want to take the call, shit-head?

Dutch: You got anything to say? Me, I like to talk. I love to talk. Live to talk. You got any amusing anecdotes?

Doyle: I'm living through one right now.

Doyle: You have no plan, do you?

Dutch: I have a rough outline.

Dutch: It's your mother's fault.

Doyle: Why is it her fault?

Dutch: Because she gave birth to you.

Doyle: And what about your mother?

Dutch: My mother's a saint.

Doyle: For what, havin' puppies?

Doyle: We're here.

Dutch: Where?

Doyle: I don't know.

Dutch: Doyle, switch cots with me, mine won't hold me.

Doyle: How do you know it'll hold me?

Dutch: Because I'm 15,000 cheeseburgers ahead of you in life.

Doyle: If I'd gotten married, I wouldn't be where I am now.

Spats: In a tavern?

Doyle: Free! Living like a king!

Spats: You live at the Y.

[after being scared by Doyle]

Flynn: Doyle, you bastard!

Doyle: Boy, I've never seen you get so white.

Flynn: Come on!

Doyle: Dude, good morning!

Flynn: Get the fuck out of here, man. I'm having all good dreams.

Doyle: Yeah?

Flynn: Sunday afternoon, clear blue skies. I'm laying in bed with my wife and... now I'm back in this shithole.

Doyle: I know, man. I had that same dream about your wife.

Doyle: Be my shadow, that's it.

Scarlet: You look a little pale.

Doyle: Blood makes me nauseous.

Doyle: Did I hear that code red or am I losing my shit?

Scarlet: Who are you?

Doyle: Sergeant Doyle, Delta Rooftop Unit.

Scarlet: Why aren't you at your post?

Doyle: Why aren't you?

Doyle: I got some strays.

Flynn: Dogs?

Doyle: No, puppies.

Flynn: Having fun down there Doyle?

Doyle: Kiss my ass! This is the worst combat I've ever seen. Where's the fucking combat?

Rooftop Soldier: Give me something to shoot.

Flynn: Too easy. Medical sector, east side, fat guy, jerking off in the toilet.

Rooftop sniper: Ah... bug nuts, I saw him yesterday.

Soldier: I don't see him. Where is Fester Fuck nut?

Rooftop Soldier: There, look! Bald guy with his dick in hands on the 20th floor.

Doyle: [seeing a plane arriving] Welcome to London.

Flynn: [talking over the radio] Doyle, come in.

Doyle: Flynn, go.

Flynn: Doyle, where the fuck are you man?

Doyle: Ground level, District One.

Flynn: Shit! Closed frequency.

Doyle: Copy that.

Flynn: What the fuck are you doing there? Listen to me, you've got some serious shit coming your way.

Doyle: We've already got some serious shit.

Flynn: No. I'm not fucking playing - this is worse. The air cav; they just got their orders. They're firebombing all of District One.

Doyle: That was fast.

Flynn: Outbreak is totally out of control. They're taking no chances. So unless you are out of the target zone, you are getting cooked, you got me?

Doyle: How long we got?

Flynn: They're already on their way. You got four minutes, tops. But listen, I got some clear landing ground at Regents Park. That's the pick-up point. Got it?

Doyle: I'll be back in touch.

Flynn: Hey Doyle, you fucking better be.

Doyle: What'cha doin' with that lawn mower blade Karl?

Karl: I aim to kill you with it.

Doyle: Now get the fuck out now before I get too mad to turn back!

Terence: What about our instruments?

Doyle: Come here, you little prick. Come here, you little fucking prick!

[Wheels him right into the door]

Doyle: Get out! All y'all, get the fuck out! Come on, you motherfuckers!

[Nobody moves]

Doyle: Get the fuck out! Randy, you tuning son of a bitch, go fucking practice, Randy!

[Noody moves]

Doyle: Come on, Morris, you fucking genius, get the fuck up and get the fuck out of here, Goddammit!

Doyle: [to Vaughan and Karl] Hey! I said get out of my house! That goes for cocksuckers and retards! Now get up off your asses'n go! Go on!

Linda: This is not your house, Doyle. This is my house and I decide who goes and who stays. You got a house, why don't you get some of your girlfriends and go home to it?

Doyle: You know better than to talk to me like that when I'm hurtin', Linda. Don't make me knock the piss outta you.

Vaughan Cunningham: Don't you touch her.

Doyle: That's funny, Vaughan. Linda, go to bed and take little snot-nose here with you.

Linda: You're not staying here tonight. Go get sober before you come back, I'm tired of my child seeing this. Now you get your ass straight or I'll lock your ass out of my life for good.

Doyle: If you even think about leaving me, Linda, I told you: I'm gonna kill you deader than a door nail.

Linda: That might be better than this.

Vaughan Cunningham: All right, I'm a witness. I heard you threatening her.

Doyle: Hey, you get the

[shouts]

Doyle: fuck out now!

Terence: We wrote one last night outside the mini mart. Morris called it "Stuart Drives A Comfortable Car" and then like in country songs, you know, in parentheses it says "There's Usually Someone in the Trunk." And, and um, I came up with a tune just a hummin'.

Doyle: See, you don't want to question the genius, Vaughan. Morris here is a modern-day poet, kinda like in olden times.

Morris: Yeah, I got a new tune in composition entitled "The Thrill." And it goes somethin' like this: "I stand on the hill, not for a thrill, but for the breath of a fresh kill. Never mind the man who contemplates doin' away with license plates. He stands alone, anyhow, bakin' the cookies of discontent by the heat of the laundromat vent. Leavin' his soul!" Then like in poetry I go dot-dot-dot, you know, kinda off center, then I drop down and then I go: "Leavin' his soul! And partin' the waters of the medulla oblongata of - -brrrrrr! - -mankind!" That was a damn good song, wasn't it Doyle?

Doyle: If y'all don't shut up, I'm gonna go out of my mind. Besides, Karl here is liable to bust his spring. He's already off balance.

Doyle: Was you in the nut house for hackin' somebody up with a hatchet?

Karl: I never used no hatchet that I remember. Mmm.

Doyle: So you're just crazy in a retard kind of way, huh? Wouldn't matter to me if you did do violence on someone. I ain't scared of shit. You're just a humped-over retard, seems to me. I'm just kiddin'. Welcome to our humble home, Buddy.

Doyle: Hey is this the kind of retard that drools and rubs shit in his hair and all that, 'cause I'm gonna have a hard time eatin' 'round that kind of thing now. Just like I am with antique furniture and midgets. You know that, I can't so much as drink a damn glass of water around a midget or a piece of antique furniture.

Linda: Doyle, you're awful. You shouldn't be that way.

Doyle: I ain't saying it's right, I'm just telling the damn truth. He'll make me sick. I know it.

Doyle: What am I supposed to do about supper while you're out runnin' around with that fag?

Linda: You're not crippled, get in there and make it yourself.

Doyle: Talkin' back and everything. That kinda makes me horny, Linda.

Linda: Frank, maybe you better go play in your room if Doyle's gonna talk nasty.

Frank: I don't wanna go play in my room.

Doyle: He don't wanna go play in his room. Let's all just sit here and be a family. Until your mentally retarded friend and your homosexual friend get here.

Doyle: Linda, go get my guitar. It's out there with that looney toon.

Doyle: Frank's a weak little kid. His daddy taught him how to be a pussy.

Frank: Stop it, Doyle! Don't talk about my daddy.

Doyle: "Don't talk about my daddy". Go on and get up outta here. Go out to the garage and let me be. Go on now, get!

Old Man: I wish you'd all lay off for tonight! I can't hear myself think with that racket!

Doyle: Hey! HEY!

Old Man: Knock it off or I'm calling the police!

Doyle: I told you three times already, the law's on my side! I play cards with J.D. Shelnut, chief of PO-lice! So kiss my ass, you old bastard!

Doyle: [Karl enters the bedroom, startling Doyle and Linda] Hey! What the God damn hell you doing, Karl? 'The fuck you doing up in the middle of the night?

Linda: What you want, Hon?

Karl: I wanna be baptized.

Doyle: Well get baptized then, I don't give a shit. Call up a fuckin' preacher, Goddammit, we can't baptize ya.

[Karl has entered the bedroom carrying a hammer]

Doyle: What in the hell you doin' with that hammer?

Karl: I don't rightly know. I just kinda woke up a-holding it.

[exits]

Doyle: [to Linda] What the fuck you think he's doin' with that hammer?

Doyle: Your buddy Karl here is going. We can't be no normal family with him living in the garage and comin' in the damn bedroom at 4:00 in the morning, carryin' hammers and shit.

Doyle: I don't like homosexuals and she goes out and buddies up with one so I gotta deal with that. I don't like little wimpy-ass kids or mental retards and she got one of each livin' with her.

[laughs]

Doyle: I'm just kidding about that really.

Doyle: Believe in the Bible, do ya Karl?

Karl: I don't understand all of it, but I reckon I understand a good deal of it.

Doyle: Well I can't understand none of it. This one begat that one and that one begat this one, and lo and behold someone says some shit to someone else - just how retarded are you?

Doyle: I don't mean to be so damned... well, assholish I guess would be the word.

Morris: Dots look good on paper. You don't sing them anyway, you're just showing your true Aries color now.

Doyle: Stay out of my goddam face, you fucking buzzard!

Monty Johnson: This ain't right, Doyle. There IS something wrong with you.

Doyle: Get the fuck out!

Monty Johnson: Nobody wants to take this SHIT, Man!

Doyle: I don't guess I give a shit. I ain't here that much so if you want a retard living out in the garage, I guess that's your business. But I do got some tools and a set of socket wreches out there I'd rather not have stolen.

Frank: He's real honest. He wouldn't steal nothing.

Doyle: Frankie, I wasn't talking to you, now was I? I was talking to your Mama. It's her decision, not yours. If I let it go on it's because she said so, not you!

Doyle: What's in the bag?

Karl: This'n that. Tooth paste and whatnot.

Doyle: What's all them books?

Karl: Different ones. One of 'em is the Bible.

Doyle: [shouting] We don't got no Goddamn band! We don't need to fucking practice, Randy! We don't no shit-ass manager neither! You motherfuckers! You all are a bunch of losers! I'm the only sane son-of-a-bitch here! So get the *fuck* out of my house now!

Vaughan Cunningham: It's not your house, Doyle, it's Linda's.

Doyle: I'll whip the dog shit out of you, Vaughan. I will

[shouts]

Doyle: fucking kill you if you talk to me again!

Doyle: [Doyle, Vaughan and Karl are in Doyle's truck going to get beer] Not that you two afflicted sumbitches know anything about this, you're sitting in a crew-cab duallie pickup. In some circles, this is considered a piece of automotive art.

Vaughan Cunningham: Are you sure you can drive? You've really had alot of alcohol.

Doyle: When you been drinking as long as me, Vaughan, you build up a tolerance. Here,

[hands off his beer can]

Doyle: hide that between your legs for me.

Monty Johnson: [the truck picks up speed] Hey Doyle, slow the fuck down!

Doyle: To call the police, you push 911 then just tell 'em to bring an ambulance, or a "hearst" if you're gonna kill me.

Doyle: Hey! I said get out of my house! That goes for cocksuckers and retards!

Linda: This is not your house, Doyle. This is my house and I decide who goes and who stays. You got a house, why don't you get some of your girlfriends and go home to it?

Doyle: You know better than to talk to me like that when I'm hurtin', Linda. Don't make me knock the piss outta you.

Vaughan: Don't you touch her.

Doyle: That's funny, Vaughan. Linda, go to bed and take little snot-nose here with you.

Linda: You're not staying here tonight. Go get sober before you come back, I'm tired of my child seeing this. Now you get your ass straight or I'll lock your ass out of my life for good.

Doyle: If you even think about leaving me, Linda, I told you: I'm gonna kill you deader than a door nail.

Linda: That might be better than this.

Doyle: You know what, by God?

Linda: What?

Doyle: I know what I oughta do tonight.

Linda: Please don't.

Doyle: Mmm-hmm. I'm gonna call up Morris and have him get the band together. We're gonna have a party. Party our asses off. I'd love to show them that damn Karl. They'd get a real kick out of him. You know they would.

Linda: Please, Doyle, not tonight. They always stay until morning, I'll just give out.

Doyle: You ain't gotta do nothing, Linda. Just put some chips in a bowl and run ice out to us when we look low.

Frank: Last time you got angry and ran Morris and them off and told them to stay away from here.

Doyle: That ain't none of your damn business, besides, that's the way friends do one another! Fuck it, I'm calling them up.

Doyle: Hey, Vaughan, I heard you been putting it on ol' Albert Sellers who works over at the funeral home.

Vaughan Cunningham: I know Albert. We're friends.

Doyle: No, I heard you're more than friends. I heard Dick Rivers come in there and caught the two of you all bowled up and going at it in the same room with poor Miss Ogletree, her dead as a doornail laid out on a gurney.

Vaughan Cunningham: That is ridiculous. That is just a total lie.

Doyle: It's a set-up.