Douglas "Swish" Reemer Quotes in BASEketball (1998)

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Douglas "Swish" Reemer Quotes:

  • Douglas "Swish" Reemer: Your bed is over here.

    [indicates a dog bed]

    Kenny "Squeak" Scolari: Dude, that is so fuckin' weak! How am I supposed to get a chick in that?

    Joseph R. Cooper: Oh, don't worry, dude. You couldn't get a chick if you had a hundred dollar bill hanging out of your zipper.

    Kenny "Squeak" Scolari: Yeah I could.

    Douglas "Swish" Reemer: No. Dude, you're a little bitch!

    Kenny "Squeak" Scolari: I am not! I don't even know why I hang out with you guys, anyway.

    Joseph R. Cooper: 'Cause you're a piece of shit.

    Kenny "Squeak" Scolari: I am not a piece of shit!

    Douglas "Swish" Reemer: Yeah, but you're a little bitch.

    Kenny "Squeak" Scolari: Goddammit! I swear if you guys rip on me 13 or 14 more times... I'm outta here!

  • Robert Stack: The police have pieced together numerous theories on Coop's whereabouts.

    Douglas "Swish" Reemer: I have no fucking clue where the hell he is. For all I care he could be hanging by his neck in his fucking closet!

    Robert Stack: Scenario One: He's hanging by his neck in his fucking closet.

    Jenna Reed: You want to know where Coop is? Just look for the most heinous, vile, and horrible exploitation of children on the planet.

    Robert Stack: Scenario Two: Coop went to Disney World.

  • Douglas "Swish" Reemer: We win, and they get the chicks. That sucks, dude.

    Joseph R. Cooper: I'm telling you, it's jobs. We gotta get jobs. Then we get the khakis. Then we get the chicks.

  • [standing at the front door]

    Coop: It's Coop and Remer.

    Douglas "Swish" Reemer: We graduated with Britney.

    Dr. Kaiser: You graduated?

    Coop: Of course we graduated, cock - Beer?

    [in the house]

    Douglas "Swish" Reemer: Man this place looks like a Dockers commercial.

    Coop: Oh hey, Stef!

    Stephanie: Coop! Remer!

    Coop: You wanna beer?

    Stephanie: Oh, my God, you guys haven't changed since High School!

    Coop: Oh, cool.

    Stephanie: No, it isn't.

    Coop: Cock. Hey, Skidmark Steve, cool. You still hangin' out, playin' Nintendo?

    Skidmark Steve: Well, if you must know, I'm in my second year of med school and I'm training for the Summer Games. What are you two up to?

    Coop: Just hanging out. Playing Nintendo. Cock.

  • Joseph R. Cooper: Hey pigfucker, can I call you pigfucker?

    Douglas "Swish" Reemer: No, only my friends can call me pigfucker.

  • Coop: Dude, I'm not gonna cave in! End of story, dude!

    Douglas "Swish" Reemer: Dude?

    Coop: Dude!

    Douglas "Swish" Reemer: Dude!

    Coop: Dude!

    Douglas "Swish" Reemer: Dude!

    Coop: Dude!

    Douglas "Swish" Reemer: Dude!

    [Off Coop's shocked look]

    Douglas "Swish" Reemer: Dude.

    Coop: Well, I guess you've got a point there.

  • Joseph R. Cooper: [Squeak is trying to shut off their gas] Shoot for it.

    Kenny "Squeak" Scolari: Shoot for it? What are you, insane? This is my job, you assholes!

    Joseph R. Cooper: Look, it's a good deal. All you gotta do is make a single from right here, and you can shut off our gas and we'll never call you "Squeak" again.

    Kenny "Squeak" Scolari: Or bitch.

    Joseph R. CooperDouglas "Swish" Reemer: [Coop and Reemer exchange looks] Or bitch.

    [together]

    Kenny "Squeak" Scolari: [Squeak lines up, ready to shoot] All right. Check this shit out.

    Joseph R. Cooper: [psyche-out] Steve Perry.

    Kenny "Squeak" Scolari: Huh?

    [shoots and misses, ball bounces off roof and hits dog]

    Douglas "Swish" Reemer: Tough break, Squeak.

    Joseph R. Cooper: Yeah, now you gotta fetch the ball, bitch.

    [agitated dog growls, and rocks gate vigorously]

  • Kenny "Squeak" Scolari: I am not going out with his sister!

    Joseph R. Cooper: Dude, that's the defense, ya gotta psych them out.

    Douglas "Swish" Reemer: Yeah, ya gotta say totally fucked up shit to psych them out.

    Kenny "Squeak" Scolari: Oh... Hey wait a minute, why is me going out with his sister totally fucked up?

  • Joseph R. Cooper: What is something you really want?

    Joey: Chelsea Clinton.

    Joseph R. Cooper: That's a tough order, dude.

    Douglas "Swish" Reemer: You'd have a better shot at Bill.

  • Douglas "Swish" Reemer: [Reemer pulls Squeak out of a drawer-bed]

    Douglas "Swish" Reemer: Wake up bitch! You're my new best friend!

    Kenny "Squeak" Scolari: [half-conscious] Really? Are we going to the zoo?

  • Douglas "Swish" Reemer: He's flat-lining!

    Joseph R. Cooper: Quick, where are those little heart paddles? The ones George Clooney uses!

    Kenny "Squeak" Scolari: No! Not those!

    Joseph R. Cooper: Clear!

    Kenny "Squeak" Scolari: Clear!

    Kenny "Squeak" Scolari: [takes Joey's pulse]

    Kenny "Squeak" Scolari: No pulse!

    Joseph R. Cooper: Turn up the power! 10,000 volts!

    Douglas "Swish" Reemer: 10,000 volts!

    Joseph R. Cooper: Clear!

    Kenny "Squeak" Scolari: Clear!

    [Speak fails to clear, gets electrocuted]

    Douglas "Swish" Reemer: Dude, it's not working!

    Joseph R. Cooper: Turn it up! 15,000 volts!

    Douglas "Swish" Reemer: 15,000 volts!

    Kenny "Squeak" Scolari: [ears smoking] No...

    [Sqeak is thrown back from the shock]

    Douglas "Swish" Reemer: Dude, do you even know what you're doing?

    Joseph R. Cooper: What does it look like?

    Douglas "Swish" Reemer: An execution?

    Joseph R. Cooper: Damn it man I'm trying to save an innocent life!

    Douglas "Swish" Reemer: I'm giving you all I've got captain!

    Joseph R. Cooper: I love ya always have. Heh.

    Douglas "Swish" Reemer: Heh.

    Joseph R. Cooper: CLEAR!

  • Douglas "Swish" Reemer: Oh, I'll come, I love hospitals.

    Joseph R. Cooper: No you don't, you like Taco Bell!

    Douglas "Swish" Reemer: No, one time I was at this hospital, in france, and I met this great chick.

    Joseph R. Cooper: Dude, that was a hostel.

  • [trying to psych out a player in their very first game]

    Douglas "Swish" Reemer: Ugh! One of Britney's moms pubic hairs!

    [pulls hairs from mouth]

    Basketball player: [disgusted voice] Psh... Ohhhh man!

    Joseph R. Cooper: HAH! You lose! Dude that was a SWEET psyche-out!

    Douglas "Swish" Reemer: UGH HERES ANOTHER ONE!

    [pulls out more hairs from teeth]

  • Douglas "Swish" Reemer: No more Journey psyche-outs.

  • Joey Thomas: I've always dreamed of big game hunting. How about killing an endangered species? Like a bald eagle or a giant panda!

    Jenna Reed: Well Joey I don't think that's really in the true spirit of the foundation.

    Joey Thomas: Well then how about poisoning a reservoir? I know! How about throwing flesh-eating fish into a public swimming pool?

    Douglas "Swish" Reemer: I don't think you're quite getting the point, dude.

  • Joseph R. Cooper: Who's this guy?

    Douglas "Swish" Reemer: He's my entertainment lawyer. He's helping me with my movie contract.

    Joseph R. Cooper: Now you're such a big shot you're gonna act in a Hollywood movie? Fucking sellout.

  • Joseph R. Cooper: Thanks a lot, Doctor Dickhead! You totally fucked me there!

    Douglas "Swish" Reemer: Dude, relax. It was a joke.

    Joseph R. Cooper: Why don't you give it up! She doesn't even like you!

    Douglas "Swish" Reemer: You think she got the hots for you? Shit. Squeak has a better chance that you do.

    Kenny "Squeak" Scolari: Hey, you think?

    Joseph R. Cooper: That is low. You son of a bitch.

    Kenny "Squeak" Scolari: Why is that low?

    Douglas "Swish" Reemer: Dude, I know you're feeling jealous right now. Don't blame me because I have a sweet ass! I can't help it!

  • Douglas "Swish" Reemer: Listen to me you little bitch! You either go out there and make that shot or I'm gonna shove your head so far up your fuckin' ass, you'll have to wear yourself as a hat!

  • Joseph R. Cooper: He didn't pysche me out!

    Douglas "Swish" Reemer: Yeah, if anyone should get the psyche-out, it should be Denslow!

    Joseph R. Cooper: Dude, weak.

  • Baxter Cain: When I see one of baseketball's hottest stars with less than 20 dollars in his pocket, driving an American car and sharing a small house with two other guys, you know what that says to me?

    Douglas "Swish" Reemer: Homos?

  • Douglas "Swish" Reemer: [to one of the San Francisco players] I want to feel you... deep inside me!

  • Douglas "Swish" Reemer: Hey kid, think fast!

    [He throws the ball, knocking the kid out cold]

    Douglas "Swish" Reemer: He's a little slow on the hands.

    Jenna Reed: He's blind, Doug.

  • [Coop and Doug are standing outside of Brittany Kaiser's house waiting to be let in]

    Douglas "Swish" Reemer: Yeah dude, but this is Brittany Kaiser's house, and I really really wanna fuck her.

    [both realize that her father is standing in the doorway]

    Douglas "Swish" Reemer: Dr. Kaiser!

    Joseph R. Cooper: Dr. Kaiser!

  • Joseph R. Cooper: No, it's not like horse.

    Douglas "Swish" Reemer: Pff!

    Joseph R. Cooper: Pff.

    Douglas "Swish" Reemer: Pff.

    Joseph R. Cooper: Pff!

    Douglas "Swish" Reemer: Pff.

  • Douglas "Swish" Reemer: Here's your decaf mocha Jenna, just like you take it, low fat milk, non-fat whipped cream, a little sprinkle of cinnamon.

    Jenna Reed: Thank you Doug.

    Douglas "Swish" Reemer: And I baked you fresh poppy-seed muffins too.

  • Douglas "Swish" Reemer: That's a dude.

    Kenny "Squeak" Scolari: No way, you're just saying that because you want her for yourself.

    Douglas "Swish" Reemer: No dude, I'm saying that because she's a guy.

    Kenny "Squeak" Scolari: That's impossible. Just look at her. She's got the cutest little upturned nose, the softest lips. The sweetest Adam's apple.

  • Baxter Cain: Do you think Shaq got rich playing in Orlando? Hardly, he made his fortune moving to L.A. You know how much he makes now?

    Douglas "Swish" Reemer: As much as he made playing in college?

    Baxter Cain: What? No, a lot more! Big money, and you can too!

    Douglas "Swish" Reemer: Would I have to quit baseketball?

    Baxter Cain: What? No, I need you to get Coop to go along!

    Douglas "Swish" Reemer: He'd have to quit baseketball too?

    Baxter Cain: [Dumbfounded, holding his head in pain] Ehhh... ahh...

    Douglas "Swish" Reemer: Did I just fart?

Browse more character quotes from BASEketball (1998)

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