Douglas Quaid Quotes in Total Recall (1990)

Lori: Doug, honey... you wouldn't hurt me, would you, sweetheart? Sweetheart, be reasonable. After all, we're married!

[Lori goes for her gun, Quaid shoots her in the head, killing her]

Douglas Quaid: Consider that a divorce!

Benny: Hey, Quaid! I'm gonna squash you!

Douglas Quaid: Benny! Here!

Benny: [shouts] Where the fuck are you?

Douglas Quaid: [killing him with a large drill] SCREW YOU!

Melina: Hello, Hauser. Still bulging, I see.

[rubs his deltoid, then grabs his crotch]

Melina: What you been feeding this thing?

Douglas Quaid: Blondes.

Melina: I think it's still hungry.

Douglas Quaid: See you at the party, Richter!

Tony: You got a lot of nerve showing your face around here, Hauser.

Douglas Quaid: Look who's talking.

[last lines]

Melina: I can't believe it, it's like a dream. What's wrong?

Douglas Quaid: I just had a terrible thought... what if this is a dream?

Melina: Well, then, kiss me quick before you wake up!

Bob McClane: What is it that is exactly the same about every single vacation you have ever taken?

Douglas Quaid: I give up.

Bob McClane: You! You're the same. No matter where you go, there you are. It's always the same old you. Let me suggest that you take a vacation from yourself. I-I know it sounds wild. It is the latest thing in travel. We call it the Ego Trip.

Hauser: Howdy, stranger! This is Hauser. If things have gone wrong, I'm talking to myself and you don't have a wet towel around your head. Now, whatever your name is, get ready for the big surprise. You are not you, you're me.

Douglas Quaid: [to himself] No shit.

Hauser: All my life, I worked for Mars Intelligence, I did Cohaagen's dirty work. But then I met someone, a woman. She taught me a few things, like I was playing for the wrong team. All I can do now is make up for it. You see...

[Points to his head]

Hauser: ...there's enough shit in here to fuck Cohaagen good. But if you're hearing this, it means is that he's got to me first. Now, here comes the hard part, old buddy. Now it is all up to you.

Douglas Quaid: [displeased] Great...

Hauser: Now, let's start by getting that bug out of your head.

[shows the nose device]

Hauser: Take this out of the case, and stick it up your nose. Don't worry, it's self-guiding. Just shove real hard.

[Quaid takes a deep breath, and sticks the nose device up his nose]

Hauser: When you hear a crunch, you're there. Now, pull it out. Be careful! That's my head, too.

[Quaid screams in pain while Hauser grins, then Quaid pulls out the bug]

Hauser: This is the plan. Get your ass to Mars, and go to the Hilton Hotel and flash the fake Brubaker I.D. at the front desk, that's all there is to it. Just do as I tell you. You can nail that son of a bitch that fucked you and me. I'm counting on you, old buddy. Don't let me down!

Douglas Quaid: Well, Cohaagen, I have to hand it to you. It's the best mind-fuck yet.

Vilos Cohaagen: Oh, don't take my word for it. Someone you trust wants to talk to you.

Douglas Quaid: Who is it this time, my mother?

Vilos Cohaagen: [after Cohaagen's team kills Kuato] So this is the great man. Hmph. No wonder he kept out of sight. Well, my friend...

[puts his hands on Quaid's shoulders]

Vilos Cohaagen: ...you're a hero.

Douglas Quaid: Fuck you!

Vilos Cohaagen: Don't be modest. Kuato is dead. The resistance has been completely wiped out and you were the key to the whole thing.

Douglas Quaid: [to Melina] He's lying.

Melina: [to Quaid] You two-faced bastard!

Vilos Cohaagen: You can't blame him, princess.

[His finger grazes Melina's face]

Vilos Cohaagen: He's innocent. You see, Quaid, none of my people could get close to Kuato. Fuckin' mutants could always sniff us out. So Hauser and I sat down and invented you: the perfect mole.

Douglas Quaid: You know you're lying. Hauser turned against you.

Vilos Cohaagen: Uh-uh. That's what we wanted you to think. Fact is, Hauser volunteered to become "Doug Quaid." It was the only way to fool the psychics.

Douglas Quaid: Get your story straight.

[Points to Richter]

Douglas Quaid: This idiot has been trying to kill me ever since I went to Rekall. You don't kill someone you're trying to plant.

Vilos Cohaagen: He wasn't in on it. You set him off by going to Rekall.

Douglas Quaid: So, why I am still alive?

Vilos Cohaagen: We gave you lots of help.

[points to Benny]

Vilos Cohaagen: Benny here...

Benny: [to Quaid] My pleasure, man.

Vilos Cohaagen: The guy with the suitcase, the mask, the money, the message from Hauser. All of that was set up by us.

Douglas Quaid: Sorry. Too perfect.

Vilos Cohaagen: Perfect, my ass! You pop your memory cap before we can activate you. Richter goes hog-wild screwing up everything that I spent a year planning. Frankly... I'm amazed it worked!

Douglas Quaid: Well, Cohaagen. I've got to hand it to you. It's the best mind-fuck yet.

Immigration Officer: [to the Fat Lady] Have you brought any fruits or vegetables on the planet?

Fat Lady: [with a big smile] Two weeks.

Immigration Officer: Excuse me?

Fat Lady: [ticcing with her mouth] Two weeks. Twooo weeeks! Wweeeoo...

Richter: [walks by and looks back to the Fat Lady]

Fat Lady: Two...

[moving her lips with her hands, then moving her head uncontrollably]

Richter: Quaid.

[yelling]

Richter: That's Quaid!

Everett: Where?

Richter: That woman! Get him! Her!

[runs to her]

Everett: Arrest that woman!

Richter: Get that woman!

[a disorder in the hall]

Fat Lady: [screaming and moving her head, touches her ear as if it is a switch, her wig fells off]

[the masks opens and Quaids head becomes visible]

Douglas Quaid: Catch!

[and throws the mask to the soldiers]

Fat Lady: Get ready for a surprise!

[and the mask explodes in the soldiers' faces]

[Quaid enters a Johnnycab to escape from killers]

Johnnycab: Please state the street and number.

Douglas Quaid: Drive! drive!

Johnnycab: I'm not familiar with that address. Would you please repeat the destination?

Douglas Quaid: Anywhere just go! Go!

Johnnycab: I'm not familiar with that address. Would you please repeat the destination?

Douglas Quaid: Shit! shit!

Johnnycab: Would you please repeat the destination?

Douglas Quaid: [Quaid rips the Johnnycab out and starts to drive himself] Aaahhh!

[Quaid wakes up in a Johnnycab]

Douglas Quaid: Where am I?

Johnnycab: You're in a Johnnycab.

Douglas Quaid: I mean, what am I doing here?

Johnnycab: I'm sorry. Would you please rephrase the question?

Douglas Quaid: How did I get in this taxi?

Johnnycab: The door opened. You got in.

[Johnnycab rolls his eyes]

[the taxicab pulls up]

Johnnycab: The fare is 18 credits, please.

[Quaid gets out]

Douglas Quaid: Sue me, dickhead!

[cab tries to run him down, crashes, and explodes]

Johnnycab: We hope you enjoyed the ride!

Douglas Quaid: Relax. You'll live longer.

Douglas Quaid: [after fooling Richter and company with the hologram-bracelet, Quaid reappears on the other side of the reactor-site... right in front of Cohaagen's guards] Ha ha ha, you think this is the real Quaid...?

[They turn to face nothing]

Douglas Quaid: ...it is!

[Quaid shoots the guards]

[Quaid points a gun at Dr. Edgemar's head]

Douglas Quaid: All right, let's say you're telling the truth and this is all a dream. I could pull this trigger and it won't matter.

Dr. Edgemar: It won't make the slightest difference to me Doug, but the consequences to you will be devastating. In your mind, I'll be dead, and with no one to guide you out, you'll be stuck here in permanent psychosis. The walls of reality will come crashing down around you. One minute, you're the savior of the rebel cause; next thing you know, you'll be Cohaagen's bosom buddy. You'll even have fantasies about alien civilizations as you requested; but in the end, back on Earth, you'll be lobotomized! So get a grip on yourself, Doug, and put down that gun!

Douglas Quaid: Ever heard of Rekall? They sell those fake memories.

Harry: Oh, "Rekall, Rekall, Rekall." You thinking of going there?

Douglas Quaid: I don't know, maybe.

Harry: Well, don't. A friend of mine tried one their "special offers," nearly got himself lobotomized.

Douglas Quaid: No shit?

Harry: Don't fuck with your brain, pal. It ain't worth it.

Douglas Quaid: I guess not.

[Continues jackhammering, Harry watches in disbelief]

Kuato: What do you want, Mr. Quaid?

Douglas Quaid: The same as you; to remember.

Kuato: But why?

Douglas Quaid: To be myself again.

Kuato: You are what you do. A man is defined by his actions, not his memory.

Douglas Quaid: Come on, Cohaagen! You got what you want. Give those people air!

Vilos Cohaagen: My friend, in five minutes, you won't give a shit about the people. Fire it up, Doc!

Richter: Excuse me, Doctor, is he gonna remember any of this?

Doctor: Not a thing.

Richter: Oh, really?

[Richter punches Quaid in his face. Quaid angrily glares back at Richter]

Vilos Cohaagen: Oh, Quaid, I'm having a party tonight. Why don't you and Melina drop by? Remind him, Doc?

Doctor: Sure.

Richter: See you at the party.

Douglas Quaid: What about the guy you lobotomized? Did he get a refund?

Benny: Hey, man, I got five kids to feed!

[Quaid hands him a wad of cash]

Douglas Quaid: Take them to the dentist.

Vilos Cohaagen: [Cohaagen has Quaid strapped into a memory machine and is about to turn him back into Hauser] Relax, Quaid. You'll like being Hauser.

Douglas Quaid: The guy's a fucking asshole!

Vilos Cohaagen: Not true! He's one of my best friends. Besides, he's got a big house and a Mercedes and... you like Melina, right? Well, you get to fuck her every night. That's right, she's going to be Hauser's babe.

Melina: [also strapped into a memory machine] I'll bust his balls!

Vilos Cohaagen: Uh-uh, Princess. We're having you fixed. You're gonna be respectful, compliant, and appreciative... the way a woman should be.

[she spits in his face]

[the traitorous Benny shoots George/Kuato]

Benny: Congratulations, Quaid. You led us right to him.

Douglas Quaid: Benny? Why?

Melina: How can you do this? You're a mutant.

Benny: [shrugs] I got four kids to feed.

Douglas Quaid: So what happened to number five?

Benny: [beat] Aw, shit, man! You got me. I'm not even married. Now, shut up and put your fucking hands in the air!

Harry: Hey, Quaid.

Douglas Quaid: Harry.

Harry: How was your trip to Mars?

Douglas Quaid: What trip?

Harry: You went to Rekall, remember?

Douglas Quaid: I did?

Harry: Yeah, you did. I told you not to, but you went anyway.

Douglas Quaid: What are you, my father?

Douglas Quaid: What do you want?

Dr. Edgemar: This is going to be very difficult for you at accept, Mr. Quaid.

Douglas Quaid: I'm listening.

Dr. Edgemar: I'm afraid you're not really standing here right now.

Douglas Quaid: You know, Doc, you could have fooled me.

Dr. Edgemar: I'm quite serious. You're not here, and neither am I.

Douglas Quaid: Amazing. Where are we?

Dr. Edgemar: At Rekall.

Douglas Quaid: That's right.

Dr. Edgemar: Well, maybe this will convince you. Would you mind opening the door?

Douglas Quaid: [Holds his gun to Edgemar's chin] You open it.

Dr. Edgemar: No need to be rude, I'll open it.

[Goes tot he door and opens it, revealing Lori]

Douglas Quaid: [Shocked] Oh, guessing that you're not here either.

Lori: I'm here, at Rekall. I love you.

Douglas Quaid: Right, that's why you tried to kill me.

Lori: No. I wouldn't do anything to hurt you. I want you to come back to me.

Douglas Quaid: Bullshit.

Dr. Edgemar: What's bullshit Mr. Quaid? Afraid to admit that you're having a schizo paranoid episode, or are you really an invincible secret agent from Mars, who is in the middle of an interplanetary conspiracy to make him think that he's a lonley construction worker. Stop punishing yourself Doug, you're a fine upstanding man you have a beautiful wife who loves you, you have a whole life ahead of you. But you gotta want to return to reality.

Douglas Quaid: If I wanted to return, then what?

Dr. Edgemar: [Takes out a pill] Swallow this.

Douglas Quaid: What is it.

Dr. Edgemar: It's a symbol for your desire to return to reality. In your dreams you'll fall asleep.

[Quaid takes the pill]

Douglas Quaid: Okay. Let's say you're telling the truth and this is all a dream.

[Puts his gun against Edgemar's head]

Douglas Quaid: But I could pull this trigger and it won't matter.

Lori: Don't, Doug.

Dr. Edgemar: Oh it wouldn't make the slighteat difference to me Doug. But the consequences to you will be devestating, because in your mind I'll be dead, and with no one to guide you out you'll be stuck in permenant psychosis.

Lori: Let Dr. Edgemar help you.

Dr. Edgemar: The walls of reality will come crashing down. One minutie, you'll be the savior of the rebel cause, and the nest thing you know you'll be Cohaagan's Bosom Buddy, you'll also have fantasies about alien civilizations as you requested. But in the end back on Earth, you'll be lobotomized. So get a grip on yourself Doug and put down that gun.

[Quaid lowers his gun]

Dr. Edgemar: Take the pill and put it in your mouth.

[Quaid puts the pill in his mouth]

Dr. Edgemar: Swallow it.

[Quaid pans around batween Edgemar and Lori, then as a sweat drop runs down Edgemar's face Quaid shoots Edgemar in the head, and spits the pill out]

Lori: Now you've done it, now you've done it.

Douglas Quaid: If I am not me, then who the hell am I?

Agent: [Quaid enters the hotel room, and the phone immediately rings; he picks it up] If you want to live, don't hang up.

Douglas Quaid: What do you want?

Agent: I'll explain later. You've been bugged and they're tracking you. They're gonna bash down your door in three minutes unless you do exactly as I say.

[Quaid searches himself, trying to find the bug]

Agent: Don't bother searching. The bug's in your skull.

Douglas Quaid: [looking himself in the mirror in disbelief] Who are you?

Agent: Never mind. Wet a towel and wrap it over your head. This will muffle the signal.

Douglas Quaid: How did you find me?

Agent: I advise you to hurry. This will buy you some time; they won't be able to pinpoint you for a while.

[Quaid goes into the bathroom, pulls out a towel and wets it, and puts it on his head]

Agent: Enough, you look beautiful.

[Quaid goes back to the phone]

Agent: Now, go to the window. Go!

[looks up to Quaid]

Agent: Do you see me down here?

[Quaid nods yes, and the man shows Quaid a package]

Agent: This is the suitcase you gave me.

Douglas Quaid: I gave you?

Agent: [puts the suitcase down] I'm gonna set it here. After I hang up, come and get it and keep moving.

Douglas Quaid: Wait, who are you?

Agent: We were buddies in the agency back on Mars. You told me that if you ever went missing, I was to come find you and deliver this suitcase to you. So, here I am, and goodbye.

Douglas Quaid: Wait! What was I doing on Mars?

[the agent hangs up]

Douglas Quaid: Shit!

Melina: Kuato's gonna make you remember some things you knew when you were Hauser.

Douglas Quaid: Like what?

Melina: All sorts of things, like maybe you'll remember that you loved me.

Douglas Quaid: I don't need Kuato for that.

Melina: Since when?

Lori: Listen to me, Sweetheart. Those assholes at Rekall have fucked up your mind. You're having paranoid delusions.

[Quaid holds up his bloodied hands]

Douglas Quaid: You call this a delusion?

Douglas Quaid: Excuse me, what's that?

Burly Miner: You mean the Pyramid Mine? I used to work there until they found that alien shit inside.

Douglas Quaid: Well, it's a rumor isn't it?

Burly Miner: Ha! Think so?

Douglas Quaid: [an old woman/luggage thief grabs the briefcase left on sidewalk for Quaid] Sorry, Ma'am, but this is mine.

Woman in Phone Booth: [struggling with him] I don't see your name on it!

Douglas Quaid: Someone lent it to me.

[continues to struggle with the Old Lady]

Woman in Phone Booth: You go find your own bag!

[resisting]

Douglas Quaid: Excuse me, Ma'am, but I NEED it!

[Quaid rips it away from her and walks away]

Woman in Phone Booth: Fuck you, asshole!

[Quaid turns and bows]

[first lines]

[Doug awakens from a nightmare]

Lori: Doug? Honey, are you all right?

[nods]

Lori: You were dreaming. Doug? Was it about Mars?

[nods]

Lori: [kisses him] Is that better?

Douglas Quaid: Hmm.

Lori: My poor baby. This is getting to be an obsession.

Douglas Quaid: What the hell is going on? What the fuck did I do wrong? Tell me!

Harry: You blabbed, Quaid! You blabbed about Mars!

Douglas Quaid: Are you crazy? I don't even know anything about Mars!

Harry: You should have listened to me, Quaid. I was there to keep you out of trouble.

Douglas Quaid: Harry, you're making a big mistake. You got me mixed up with somebody else.

Harry: Uh-uh pal, you got yourself mixed up with...

[Quaid kicks him in the chest, commencing the fight]

Benny: Hey, man, you need a cab?

Douglas Quaid: Well, what's wrong with this one?

[points to other cabbie]

Benny: [laughs] He ain't got five kids to feed.

Douglas Quaid: Where's yours?

Benny: Right over there man.

[takes Quaid with him]

Punk Cabbie: Hey. Hey, man, that's my fare. Hey, asshole, that's my fare.

Benny: Eat this!

[gives him the finger]

[Lori tries to distract Quaid by acting sexy, but he quickly he catches on]

Douglas Quaid: Clever girl!

[He points a gun at her head]

Lori: You wouldn't kill me, would you, honey? After all we've been through...?

Douglas Quaid: [Thinking it over] Some of it was fun.

[He suddenly punches her, knocking her out]

Douglas Quaid: Nice knowing you.

[He leaves]

Lori: I love you.

Douglas Quaid: Right. That's why you tried to kill me.

Lori: No... I would never do anything to hurt you. I want you to come back to me.

Douglas Quaid: Bullshit.

Dr. Edgemar: What's bullshit, Mr. Quaid? That you're having a paranoid episode triggered by acute neuro-chemical trauma? Or that you're really an invincible secret agent from Mars who's the victim of an interplanetary conspiracy to make him think he's a lowly construction worker? Stop punishing yourself, Doug. You're a fine, upstanding man. You have a beautiful wife who loves you. Your whole life is ahead of you. But you've got to want to return to reality.

[Quaid's costume malfunctions and his cover as the Fat Lady is blown]

Douglas Quaid: [to a group of Agency officers] Catch!

[he throws the Fat Lady mask, and one of the officers catches it]

Fat Lady: [smiling] Get ready for a surprise!

[the mask explodes]

Melina: [as she and Quaid enter her room, she slaps Quaid on the side of the face] You son of a bitch! You're alive? I thought that Cohaagen tortured you to death!

Douglas Quaid: I guess he didn't.

Melina: And you couldn't give me a message? You didn't know what happened to me?

[hugs Quaid]

Melina: Hauser, thank God you're alive.

[starts kissing him and Quaid shoves her away]

Douglas Quaid: Melina, listen. I have something to tell you... I don't remember you.

Melina: What?

Douglas Quaid: I don't remember you. I don't remember us. I don't even remember me.

Melina: Did you get amnesia? How did you get here?

Douglas Quaid: Hauser left me a note.

Melina: Hauser? You're Hauser.

Douglas Quaid: Not anymore. Now I'm Quaid. Douglas Quaid.

Melina: Come on, Hauser. Have you lost your mind?

Douglas Quaid: I didn't lose my mind. Cohaagen stole it. He somehow found out that Hauser switched sides, so he turned him into another person... me. So, he dumped me on Earth with a wife and a lousy job...

Melina: [interrupting] Did you say wife? Are you fuckin' married?

Douglas Quaid: She wasn't really my wife.

Melina: She wasn't really your wife? How stupid of me! She was Hauser's wife?

Douglas Quaid: Let's just forget about her.

Melina: No, let's forget about everything. I'm sick of you and your goddamn lies!

Vilos Cohaagen: Don't touch that! Get away! Get back!

Douglas Quaid: What are you afraid of? Turn it on.

Vilos Cohaagen: Impossible! Once the reaction starts, it'll spread to all the turbinium in the planet. Mars will go into global meltdown. That's why the aliens never turned it on.

Douglas Quaid: And you expect me to believe you?

Vilos Cohaagen: Who gives a shit what you believe? In thirty seconds you'll be dead, and I'll blow this place up and be home in time for Corn Flakes.

[Shoots several inches near Quaid]

Vilos Cohaagen: I didn't want it to end this way, I wanted Hauser back, but no, you had to be Quaid!

Douglas Quaid: I am Quaid!

Vilos Cohaagen: You're nothing! You're nobody! You're a stupid dream! Well, all dreams come to an end.

Dr. Edgemar: [At Quaid's hotel door] Mr. Quaid?

Douglas Quaid: [Gets up from bed quickly and draws his gun] What?

Dr. Edgemar: I need to talk to you. It's about Mr. Hauser.

Douglas Quaid: Who are you?

Dr. Edgemar: Dr. Edgemar from Rekall.

Douglas Quaid: How did you find me?

Dr. Edgemar: That's a little hard to explain, but could you open the door?

[Quaid opens the door and points his gun at Edgemar]

Dr. Edgemar: I'm not armed.

[Quaid looks behind Edgemar]

Dr. Edgemar: Dont' worry, I'm alone. May I come in...

[Quaid takes Edgemar into his room]

Douglas Quaid: What do you want?

Dr. Edgemar: This might be difficult for you to accept, Mr. Quaid.

Douglas Quaid: I'm listening.

Dr. Edgemar: I'm afraid that you are not really standing here right now.

Douglas Quaid: You know doc, you could've fooled me.

Dr. Edgemar: Quite so. You're not here, and neither am I.

Douglas Quaid: Wow, that's amazing. Where are we?

Dr. Edgemar: At Rekall. You were strapped to an implant chair, and we're monitoring you from a psychic probe console.

Douglas Quaid: Oh, I get it. I'm dreaming, and this is a part of the delightful vacation package your company had sold me.

Dr. Edgemar: Not exactly. You have this dream sequence in your natural memory banks, and you're making this up as you go along.

Douglas Quaid: If this is my dream, then who the hell invited you?

Dr. Edgemar: I was sent in as a security measure. I'm afraid to tell you this Mr. Quaid, but you have suffered a schizoed embelism, we can't snap you out of your fantasy. I was sent here to try to talk you down.

Douglas Quaid: How much is Cohaagan paying you for this?

Dr. Edgemar: Think about it. Your dream began in the middle of the implant procedure, and everything that followed. The chases, the trip to Mars, the suite at the Hilton, was all a part of your holiday and ego trip, you paid to be a secret agent.

Douglas Quaid: Bullshit. It's coincidence.

Dr. Edgemar: What about the girl? Brunette, athletic, sleazy and demure just as you specified, is that a coincidence?

Douglas Quaid: No she's real. I dreamt about her before I even went to Rekall.

Dr. Edgemar: Mr. Quaid, can you hear yourself? She's real because you dreamt her.

Douglas Quaid: Tell me something. Are all psychics...

Benny: Freaks? Afraid so, man. It goes with the territory.

Douglas Quaid: What happened to them?

Benny: Cheap domes and no air to clean out the rays.

[they are outside The Last Resort]

Benny: So, this is it. The Last Resort! You sure you wanna go in there, man?

Douglas Quaid: Why not?

Benny: 'Cause I know this *much* better place down the street! The girls are cleaner, the liquor ain't watered down...

Douglas Quaid: Sure, and you get kickbacks.

Benny: Ha ha ha ha! Hey man, I got five kids to feed!

Douglas Quaid: [gives him a wad of cash] Take them to the dentist.

Benny: Hey! Thanks, mister! Listen, I'll be waiting right here for you! Benny's the name. Benny!