Doug Quotes in Max Payne (2008)

Doug: Are you followin' us, asshole?

Max Payne: No. I'm only following you.

[looking for a dance]

Timmy: Who are you going to ask next?

Doug: Tina Wilcox.

Timmy: Ed's girlfriend... You're crazy!

Doug: It doesn't hurt to ask. Sometimes the most beautiful girls are the loneliest.

Timmy: That's a crock of shit!

Doug: I know!

Kennedy: So, where do we find this... body?

Darren: Uh, well, according to the surprisingly detailed map, it is approximately adjacent to... the big ass rock.

Doug: So what's the rock for?

Darren: Hiding a dead president, apparently.

Nate: Why do women need so many bags?

Lilly: Shut up.

Nate: You have one. You put all your junk in it, and that's it. You're done.

Doug: Fashion is not about utility. An accessory is merely a piece of iconography used to express individual identity.

Lilly: Oh! And it's pretty.

Doug: That too.

Doug: Python's hot right now!

Doug: The luck is gone / the brain is shot / but the liquor we still got.

Doug: [in his suicide note to Brian] My dearest Brian, A guy like me looks in the mirror, he either grins, or he starts to fade away. And I haven't seen anything to grin about in a long time. This may not be the most graceful exit, but I know when the bottle's empty. The only thing I'm really going to miss is the conversations we had. At least I get the last word, even if I had to mail it in. Coughlin's Law: Bury the dead. They stink up the joint. As for the rest of Coughlin's Laws, ignore them. The guy was always full of shit.

[chuckles bitterly]

Doug: But I guess you knew that already.

Doug: You see, there are two kinds of people in this world: the workers and the hustlers. The hustlers never work and the workers never hustle...

Doug: Coughlin's Law: anything else is always something better.

Doug: Mighty Casey has struck out.

Brian: The game's not over yet. It wouldn't be any fun if they fell over with their legs in the air, would it?

Brian: I'm looking for the Manager.

Doug: What's the problem? Did you find a hair in your quiche?

Brian: No, I'm looking for a job.

Doug: Ah, you'd like to put a hair in somebody else's quiche.

Doug: [Introducing himself] Douglas Coughlin, Logical Negativist. Flourished in the last part of the 20th Century. Propounded a set of laws the world generally ignores, to its detriment.

Doug: Coughlin's Law: bury the dead, they stink up the place.

Doug: I don't care how liberated this world becomes - a man will always be judged by the amount of alcohol he can consume - and a woman will be impressed, whether she likes it or not.

Brian: You're offering me a job?

Doug: Uh huh.

Brian: The waitresses hate me!

Doug: You wait till you've given them crabs. Then you'll really know hatred.

Doug: When you see the color of their panties, you know you've got talent. Stick with me son and I'll make you a star.

Doug: Couglin's diet: cocktails and dreams.

Brian: Not a goddamned thing any one of those professors says makes a difference on the street.

Doug: If you know that, you're ready to graduate.

Doug: Coughlin's law: never tell tales about a woman, she'll hear you no matter how far away she is.

Brian: Should we let it breathe?

Doug: It hasn't breathed for fifty years, it's dead. Let's just drink it.

Brian: I'll stick with the brew.

Doug: Beer is for breakfast around here, drink or be gone.

Doug: However, falling down the stairs is allowed!

Doug: Rock n' roll, baby! Freedom of speech!

[Doug comes into the Sidewinder convenience store without a shirt on]

Doug: What's up, Josh? Hey, give me two packs of cigarettes today. Working overtime, sixteen hours.

[Puts malt liquor bottle on the counter]

Doug: And nature's nectar. Wake-up juice. And give me six of these beef jerkies. I'm hungry enough to chew the crotch out of a rag doll.

[the store manager notices him]

Sidewinder Boss: Hey! Hey! You! How many times I tell you? No shirt, no service! Get the hell out of my store! What do you think this is, Club Med?

Doug: It's America, dude. Learn the rules.

Sidewinder Boss: Learn the rules? YOU learn the rules! We Greeks invented democracy!

Doug: You also invented homos.

Sidewinder Boss: Fuck you!

Doug: [with a mouthful of beef jerky] You wish. You gotta buy me dinner first!

Dr. Keats: And now ladies and gentlemen I would like to introduce you to our most distinguished clinical subject: Tom

Ten Second Tom: Hi, I'm Tom.

Henry: Henry.

Marlin: Marlin.

Doug: Doug.

Lucy: Lucy.

Ten Second Tom: Hi. Oh, those are cool flip flops. Where did you get them?

Doug: You like those? It's interesting story. I was over on the North Shore the other day...

Ten Second Tom: Hi, I'm Tom.

Henry: Henry.

Ten Second Tom: Hi.

Marlin: Marlin.

Marlin: Doug, once again, off the juice.

Doug: It'th not juithe. It'th a protein thake.

Lucy: Did Alicia marry that guy?

Marlin: yea.

Henry: Doug, did you win the Mr. Hawaiian contest?

Doug: I didn't know there wath gonna be a urine tethst.

Lucy: [to Henry] Did we have sex?

[Marlin and Doug look at Henry]

Henry: No, we didn't. Just so everyone knows

[Marlin and Doug turn away]

Henry: We want to!

[Marlin and Doug look again]

Henry: Just kidding.

Doug: [to Henry] Well, I may not able to kick your ath but my thithter thure can.

Henry: Actually I'm going on a trip in a little while to study undersea Pacific walrus behaviors.

Doug: Thounds kind of fruity.

Henry: Thank you.

Doug: How long'th it going to take?

Henry: Uh... about a year.

Doug: I gueth you won't mith days like thith.

Henry: Well, maybe days like this don't have to be so bad.

Marlin: What are you trying to say?

Henry: Well, when you guys tell her, she's not just finding out about the accident. She's finding out that her life is basically a setup. I think that's what freaks her out the most.

Doug: Oh, you're an exthpert now?

Henry: No. I'm just saying I wish there was another way besides: "Sorry we couldn't trick you today. Here's some pictures of your broken head."

Doug: You wanna broken head, huh thmart guy?

Marlin: Why? You gonna give it to him?

Doug: No, Daddy, I thought you wath gonna do it.

Henry: Nobody's gotta break my head, guys. I'm gonna split anyways.

Marlin: [glaring at Doug] Don't go just 'cause my thon is thychotic.

Henry: Good night. Sweet dreams. Keep 'em dry there Doug.

Doug: Very funny.

Doug: [gives Henry a box] Thith ith from Nick and Thue. They thend their betht witheth for a thafe trip.

Henry: That's very nice. Spam and Reese's. All right.

Doug: I love Thpam and Reethe's, can I have it?

Henry: Um, I guess.

[Doug grabs the box]

Marlin: Doug!

Dr. Keats: Little Sammy Sosa's a bit shook up, but she'll be okay. She's watching the tape as we speak.

Henry: Good. How's my temporal lobe looking there, Doc?

Dr. Keats: Don't worry. You're not gonna suffer any short term memory loss. But was your head shaped like an egg before she hit you?

Doug: Hey! Don't make fun of Henry, all right? It'th not hith fault hith head'th thaped like that!

Dr. Keats: Note the intense overreaciton. That's the 'roids talking.

Doug: [flexing his pecs in the mirror] Hey Trathie, how you doin'? Yeah, well things changed thince high thcool.

Lucy, Doug: [sings] Happy birthday to you.

Lucy: [spoken] And you don't look a day over twenty five.

Marlin: Yeah, right. And Doug's muscles aren't pharmaceutically enhanced.

Doug: What are you talking about? I use a herb supplement that can be purchased at any health food store. Check this out. Check out these glutes. Rock hard, baby. Pretty sweet, huh.

Marlin: Stop it! You're gonna make me throw up on the cake.

Doug: [to Henry] Anything with Lucy is a one night stand, numb nuts.

Doug: Is this the guy?

Marlin: Yeah. Mr. Roth, I have one simple request. Stay away from my daughter.

Henry: [begging Marlin to let Henry see Lucy and apologize after she ate at the diner] Absolutely. I just, I think I hurt her feelings and I don't want it to end like that.

Doug: Yeah, well, it's gonna end like this!

[Doug runs to beat up Henry but then Henry holds him down]

Henry: Calm down, little fella!

Doug: I'm gonna kill you. You're a dead man. Okay I'm calm! I'm calm!

[pause]

Doug: I coulda whooped his ass, Daddy but this gravel - I siped on it a fwell.

Marlin: Then maybe you need to do a little bit more butt flexes.

Doug: Cheap shot, Dad.

Lucy: [Marlin and Doug are watching the Vikings play the Lions] What's the score?

Marlin: Vikings have it at the two yard line.

Lucy: Maybe the Vikings will win for your birthday, and I'll bet Culpepper runs it in.

Doug: I'll bet he fakes the handoff to Williams and throws it Kleinsasser in the end zone. Loser does the dishes?

Lucy: You're on.

[Lucy and Doug handshake on it. Doug's prediction comes true]

Lucy: Darn. Maybe you should be a coach, Doug.

Marlin: [Throwing a shoe at Doug] Moron.

[repeated line]

Doug: Check this out.

[Marshall brings Stu, Phil, and Alan to his villa]

Marshall: Leslie Chow never lived here. You didn't break into his old house, you broke into MY house.

Phil: I don't understand.

Marshall: You didn't get back the gold he stole from me. You got the other half that he didn't.

Stu: Oh, my GOD!

Phil: You mean the half he never had?

Marshall: He's a world-class rat, and you 3 were his accomplices.

Stu: We had no idea!

Phil: We were trying to help you! We thought you'd be happy!

Marshall: [sarcastically] Thank you so much! Thank you for ripping me off! Thank you for desecrating my home! And THANK YOU FOR KILLING MY FUCKING DOGS!

Stu: We didn't kill your dogs! They're just tranquilized.

Marshall: Oh, right. You don't know. Chow snapped their necks on his way out.

Stu: What?

Black Doug: And somebody's gotta pay.

Marshall: He's right.

[points his gun at the Dougs]

Doug: No no no no, NO!

[Marshall shoots Black Doug and his body splashes into the pool]

Marshall: My head of security, couldn't stop 3 fuck-ups and a Chinaman with a pair of wire cutters. Unreal.

Doug: I just wish I could take back that kiss...

Sydney Fife: Woah!

[Looks at Peter]

Doug: ...because now I know it was the taste of betrayal.

Peter Klaven: It wasn't the taste of betrayal!

Doug: It was the taste of betrayal.

Peter Klaven: It wasn't the ta...

Doug: It was the taste of betrayal... you fucking whore!

[Storms off]

Peter Klaven: [to Sydney] I can actually explain that.

Sydney Fife: I would looove to hear that!

Doug: Hi Peter, I saw your billboards, they're spectacular. I'm sorry for calling you a whore. Best of luck with Sydney, if you're not still together... you can Facebook me.

Doug: [walking by Peter & Sydney hugging] You're a whore Peter!

Alan: So what, are you a doctor?

Teddy: No, not yet, I'm pre-med.

Alan: Ever heard of that guy, Doogie Howser?

Teddy: Yea?

Alan: Well, he turned out to be a gay!

Doug: Alan!

Alan: It's true, I read it in Teen People.

Alan: [to Teddy] Sit down i got this. Sit down boy. That was a great speech sir. I like the comparisons between uh Stu and Rice. I've also prepared a few words. Hew everybody here are some fun facts. The population in Thailand is 63 million people. It is twice the size of Wyoming. It's chief exports are textiles, footwear, and rice. Each year approximately 13,000 people are killed in car accidents in Thailand. The climate in Thailand is...

Doug: Alan why don't you skip to the last card there buddy

Alan: Ok, sorry.

[Flips through about 5 or 6 cards]

Alan: None of you know Stu like I do. Not you, not you, not you, not you, not nobody knows Stu like i do. No one. I can't even tell you what we've been through because we made a pact more important than blood. What i can tell you is this, this is not Stu's first marriage. There was a whore in Las Vegas a couple years ago...

Phil: All right time's up. You can sit down now bud. You can sit down.

Alan: It was good. I did good though.

Phil: Oh God you killed it.

Alan: OK thanks Phil.

Alan: Sit down, yeah

[applause]

Alan: [to Teddy] In your face.

Doug: Wait so where exactly are you guys?

Phil: I don't know, Doug! Fucken Asiatown!

Linda Garner: [Enters] Excuse me boys

Doug: Hi Linda

Linda Garner: Hi Dougie

Alan: I guess we don't do dessert any more, I didn't get that memo

Linda Garner: Well I'm sorry darling, I'll be right back

Alan: Would a cupcake kill you?

Violet Barnes: Where are you going?

Doug: Uh... On my way to University of North Dakota.

Violet Barnes: Oh! Well, that's good.

Doug: Yeah. No, no, it's great. I'm excited. I'ma be a pioneer. I'll be the first black guy to freeze to death. It's gonna be cool. Yeah, I'm pumped up about it.

Violet Barnes: Cool.

Doug: Yeah. It's just like that song, y'know. I get knocked down, except I get up again in North Dakota, which is the worst place on Earth.

Security Guard: Nobody gets in unless they talk to the list.

Doug: We're on the list.

Security Guard: Name?

Steve: Steve and Doug Butabi.

Security Guard: You're brothers?

Doug: No...

Doug, Steve: YES.

Doug: Man. Works every time.

Security Guard: That's very funny.

Steve: Yeah, Doug's hilarious.

Cambi: There you are. We got scared.

Doug: Of who, we'll kick his ass.

Cambi: No, we got scared someone stole you away from us.

Doug: Oh...

[Gets it]

Doug: OH, like some other girls would steal us away.

Steve: Oh...

Steve: [getting it] OH!

Marcia Brady: [shows Doug her swollen nose] I suppose you don't want to go out with me now, huh?

Doug: Oh, of course I do. It's not your nose I'm after.

[Doug kisses Marcia]

Marcia Brady: Doug! I think I just felt your tongue in my mouth.

Doug: It's called a french kiss.

Marcia Brady: But I thought you were from Nebraska!

Carol Brady: Marcia it looks like rain, you better take your shawl. How about you Doug? Do you have any protection?

Doug: Oh, yes ma'am. Assorted colors and textures!

Carol Brady: Good for you!

Mike Brady: Have fun, kids.

Charlie: Hey, I heard what you said, Doug, and I'm not gonna let you talk to Marcia like that.

Doug: Yeah?

Charlie: Yeah.

Doug: Well, what are you gonna do about it, geek?

Charlie: I'm gonna lose consciousness.

Doug: Marcia, got a minute?

Marcia Brady: Forget it Doug. Even with a swollen nose, I can still smell a rat.

Doug: Oh look, carnage!

Doug: Nugget out of here.

Doug: I'm going in!

Wade: Doug, don't! Eh, I don't care.

Doug: I learned all about the brain when I had a 6 inch spike lodged in my skull as a child. Which is the reason why you may have noticed that sometimes when I'm talking I use the wrong rowboat.

Doug: She said having sex with you was like having sex with a salad with bad dressing! Why did you bring me into this world?

Jess: Then the policemen comes.

Abi: That was just a misunderstanding, sweetheart.

Doug: Sometimes when grown-ups discuss things very loudly, people will get the wrong ideas

Mickey McLeod: He let me play with his taser.

Doug: Well, he didn't let ya

Mickey McLeod: He didn't say I couldn't.

Jess: Does electricity feel nice, daddy?

Doug: No, not nice.

Abi: For your information, Leon is my new boss. The man I'm screwing is called Wallace.

Doug: Wallace? Do the kids know?

Abi: I'll tell 'em when it's time.

Doug: Does he have a dog called Gromit?

Terry Doolittle: Look, he's been shopping at Walgreens again. He's got his Brut collection.

Doug: Hey, at least I'm always ready for ladies.

Terry Doolittle: Hey man, try some soap, you know?

Doug: I did. It got lonely.

Doug: You are so lucky I don't know karate!

Doug: Hey, if I wanted to kiss you, I would say, "I want to kiss you." Simple. Just like that.

Doug: I once had a wool sweater. It was really itchy. I almost wore it when I was flying to London in first class for a book signing. I'm an author.

Doug: And thank you so much for allowing me to be your tour guide today through the Conversation Nation. So, hey! Are you guys ready to go on your tour... or what?

Doug: ... if you're looking for Angeline, she's next door.. oh, but I should warn ya, she usta be a bloke...

Doug: The sharpest sword cuts silk, not stone. The warrior must live like he's already dead.

[trying to tell Alice what he likes about her]

Doug: You have a nice personality and you know sweaters.

[first lines]

Doug: Hey, where are you now?

Alice: Nowhere.

Doug: It's late, I have to go.

Doug: Dude, you have a *great* wife.

Carl: Yeah, I know I have a great wife. I'm the one who married her.

Doug: Is there anything in there he can cut himself with?

Cherry: [to Doug] Go burn a cat.

[she exits]

Lewis: Why are they always saying that?

Doug: That's what I did.

Lewis: Burned a cat?

Doug: No, CATS. See mum had five cats, and me and mum we'd been having some... differences. So one night I rounded 'em up, put 'em in a cage, doused 'em with petrol and put a match to 'em!

[Lewis chuckles, thinking it's a joke. Doug grins and laughs]

Doug: Heh-heh! Funny, eh?

[He sits next to Lewis]

Doug: Then, I opened up the cage door and I let 'em run loose. Welllll, what a racket. They were runnin' round the backyard, burnin' and howlin'.

[He gives a psychotic little laugh]

Doug: No such thing as grace under pressure for a burning cat, lemme tell ya. Then, me mum came outside to see what was happenin'? Darn near freaked out she did. See, I figured I'd wait a couple of hours till the cats were dead and mum was feeling a bit sorry for herself, and I'd go up to the front door and I'd knock on it and I'd say, "Hi, Mum! I'm here to talk about our unresolved conflicts."

Doug: But oh no, One of those FUCKING cats ran into the house; a couple of minutes the whole bloody house was on fire. Within half an hour there was no front door to knock on.

Doug: Yeah, if it wasn't for that damn cat, I wouldn't be in here.

Roy: We're going to do "Cosi Fan Tutte", the opera.

Doug: What, Little Richard wrote an opera? Tutti Fruiti the opera?

Roy: It's an opera by Mozart, you low life.

Cherry: This is just another battle of the sexes.

Roy: Oh, I suppose so... If you could describe the Crusades as a sightseeing lark on the way to Jerusalem!

Doug: Oh, please, someone give him some lithium!

Derek: So, do YOU have a daddy complex or does Colton?

Doug: How do you know about daddy complexes?

Derek: I'm a therapist. I deal with a lot of strippers.

Philip: Hey. Sorry about your birthday thing the other night. Here.

Doug: What does it mean that every person I know got me wine for my birthday?

Philip: You're an alcoholic?

Doug: I'm not an alcoholic.

Philip: Do you drink at home alone?

Doug: Yeah, sometimes.

Philip: Classic signs of an alcoholic.

Doug: Oh, but wait, I live alone, so of course I drink alone.

Philip: First step is the hardest.

Doug: Apparently the only steps I need are the ones leadin' right to the local liquor store.

Philip: Them's the spirits!

Doug: I am not anal-retentive.

Evelyn: Mm.

Doug: I'm organized.

Craig: These girls look cooked.

Doug: I know they're totally baked.

Craig: No man, I think that they're dead.

Doug: Holy shit!

Craig, Doug: [scream]

Craig: You've got a little corpse on you!

Brody: It all makes sense. How could we have been so blind?

Craig: What?

Doug: What are you talking about, Brody?

Brody: Don't you see? The hellacious stench, the ungodly heat, the forbidden fruit. I know what did this. It was a bunch of God damned squatters!

Doug: You think weightlifters did this?

Craig: I don't know how I'd feel about having some poor bastard work for free.

Doug: It's un-American.

Fire Marshal: No, you gotta trust me on this one. I mean, he wouldn't mind. Not like when his wife of seventeen years, who he treated like a goddess, left him for Tom at Myspace.com.

Craig: It kind of sounds like your friend might be gay.

Fire Marshal: Why? You gay? Nice apron.

Craig: I can't believe this is happening.

Doug: I don't believe my eyes.

Craig, Doug: Joey Lawrence came to our party!

Brody: Boys, save yourselves. Lucy's the devil!

Craig: I don't even care.

Brody: Let me offer some words of persuasion: She has a penis!

Craig, Doug: [scream]

Doug: Holy camel foot! Deal breaker!

Doug: Now we're gonna send you evil hoes back to Hell!

Brody: Well, that's it. All the stiffs have come back to life and everybody's going home.

Craig: Yeah, including us. My dad's balls are enormous.

Doug: Like cantaloupes in a tube sock.

[first lines]

Craig: Oh! Help!

Doug: Uh-oh.

Craig: I think we got to pull over, Brody.

Brody: Again? Craig. You've been shitting across America.

Doug: Seriously. I want to get there, man.

Craig: Come on, you guys. The cigar's hanging off the lip.

Woman on Bus: [calling after Gamba after he leaves the bomb on the bus] Hey! Guy forgot his lunch.

Doug: [the bus explodes] Oh, man.

[Doug talks to Jane about inviting him down for dinner]

Doug: Is Vann having dinner with us?

Jane: Of course not.

Doug: Maybe we should invite him down his first night?

Jane: No, no. Doug, the last thing you want is for your tenant to become your guest. Keep your distance.

Doug: I suppose.

Jane: Well, don't. Don't. Leave him alone. Let's... let's give him a chance to get adjusted first.

Doug: [Doug pauses to look at the food] With the skins still on? The potatoes.

Jane: Yes. Just the way you like them.

Doug: Yummy.

[Vann talks to Doug about Doug's daughter Karen coming home for Christmas]

Vann Siegert: Listen, if Karen's coming home for Christmas and you want I should leave for a while, it's okay, I can.

Doug: [Doug responds drunkenly] No, I don't want you to leave for a while. She's not coming home for Christmas. 'It's okay, I can.' Halloween, or the fucking Fourth of July either.

Vann Siegert: I just thought if she was coming home from college...

Doug: College my ass. Our little Karen's not at college. Or if she is, it's news to me. I don't know where she is. Anyway... You're the daughter now, huh? Vann the Man. Fuck her. And the mother she rode in on.

[Doug talks to Vann after slapping himself in the face]

Doug: Sorry. Uh, a persons brains is like... are like a pet. Sometimes... sometimes it gets loose, and sometimes it gets lost. Sometimes it just sort of behaves itself and stays in the yard.

Hale: I don't like to see her upset.

Doug: If I was you, I'd invest in blindfolds.

Doug: Don't say we are not right for each other, for the way is see it we might not be right for anybody else.

Kate: I'm sure there's nothing I do that you'd find exciting. I don't open beer bottles with my toes, I don't sit around and count what's left of my teeth, hey, I don't even enjoy a good tractor pull. It's been a limited existence, but I've gotten used to it.

Doug: Life of the party, huh? Place must be crawling with guys.

Kate: As a matter of fact, I do have a boyfriend.

Doug: Well there's a rough gig. What do you do, keep him chained up in the basement?

Kate: Hale at the moment is working in my father's London office, he's an MBA - Harvard. You might have heard of it. They do have a hockey team.

Doug: He must be a very smart guy.

Anton: First positions, please.

Doug: Bet you look pretty good from a few thousand miles away.

Kate: What do you do, shower once a week?

Doug: Is that an invitation?

[On the First Olympic Skate Doug has the top button unbuttoned]

Kate: You are an immature asshole of the lowest order.

Doug: If it was forty below and that button meant the difference between a long satisfying life and a cold horrible death from hypothermia, I still wouldn't give you the satisfaction! Skate!

Kate: If you're so bored, why don't you read?

Doug: What, you mean like a book?

Kate: That is a traditionally accepted format, yes.

Doug: Is this the beginning of a conversation, here?

Kate: I was just simply asking if you knew how to read.

Doug: Yes. Doug can read.

Kate: What was the last book you read? You *were* in college?

Doug: The last thing I read in college was the letter canceling my scholarship when I couldn't play anymore.

Kate: Okay, high school.

Doug: I was a hockey player. The only thing I had to read was a scoreboard.

Kate: And they graduated you?

Doug: They revered me. I was a God.

Kate: What a tragic commentary on our times.

[Doug drops Kate on her rear]

Kate: [shouting] You, you cretin!

Doug: Guess that move needs some work.

Doug: [Doug chases Kate into the hotel elevator] Kate! Kate, will you wait a minute? Kate! Kate! Kate! Kate!

Kate: Don't! Don't even try it! Just looking at you makes me sick! To think I was coming to apoligize! Lorie Peckarovski!

Doug: Were you, or were you not engaged to be married until last night?

Kate: Hardly the point.

Doug: You threw me out of your room!

Kate: Count your blessings. She may not have waited much longer!

Doug: That's not how it happened!

Kate: Spare me the details.

Doug: Where the hell do you get off?

Kate: *Me?*

Doug: This is my fault? From the first day I walk into your rink, you treat me like a hired hand! Then one night, you get drunk, I'm supposed to roll over and thank my lucky stars? I'm sorry, I don't downshift that fast!

Kate: Get out of my way!

Doug: No problem! I've been practicing that move for a year and a half!

[people are chuckling at them]

Doug: Blind date.

Doug: It can't be any harder to stay together than it was to stay apart.

[preparing to lift Kate]

Doug: You want my hands *where*?

Doug: Well, actually, it's kinda interesting.

Woman in Bar: I'll bet.

Drunk: Tell him.

Woman in Bar #2: We're waiting.

Doug: I- I b- I been doin' a little- I been doin' a little figure skating.

Drunk: Damn.

Man in Bar: What'd he say?

Walter Dorsey: You been doin' what?

Old man in back of bar: Finger painting?

Doug: Hey, I'm sorry buddy, I wouldn't wish this on a snake. I'm outta here.

Anton: [shouts in Russian] Enough! Introduction is over, conversation finished! Mouths closed, ears to be opened.

[to Kate]

Anton: Pairs means *two*. You have no partner. You are skating nowhere.

[to Doug]

Anton: And where are you going? Ohh, back to Siberia? Skating on small pond is big excitement. And believe me, Gretzky, I am last person who is coming to look for you.

[pause]

Anton: Good! We skate.

Doug: Yeah, what's the deal - you goof on me, my brother buys you a beer?

Anton: What-what means 'goof'?

Doug: There's only two things I do really well, sweetheart, and skating's the other one!

[Doug is carrying Kate's flowers and walking her back to her room. The long program is the next day]

Doug: Man, this overnight thing is brutal. Why can't it be a double header, you know? Short program, long program. Same night, boom, we're outta here, you know what I mean?

Kate: Yeah, I know exactly what you mean.

Doug: It's like 'Enough already!' It's like... what's the word? Uh, y-you know what word I'm looking for? Wh-You know what I mean?

Kate: [trying to open her door] I don't know, uhhh, expectation?

Doug: No, no, when you, uh...

Kate: Anticipation? Excitement?

Doug: Foreplay!

Kate: [looks up in shock, stunned] Foreplay?

Doug: Yeah, you know, like foreplay.

Kate: Yeah, I know what it means.

Doug: Well, wouldn't you rather just get right to it?

Kate: What?

Doug: Skating. Long program.

[Kate stares, wide-eyed]

Doug: Chicago? Nationals?

[holds up her bouquet]

Doug: Flowers?

Kate: [still stunned, takes her flowers] Sleep. I'd rather sleep.

[She goes into her room, leaving Doug very confused outside]

Doug: Parlez-vous Olympics?

Kate: What were you planning on doing when your gladiatoring days were over?

Doug: You can bet your tights I never thought I'd be working a freak show like this.

Kate: I'm surprised you don't chuck it all and start your own think tank.

Kate: An old shirt.

Doug: An old shirt? Bobby Hull wore that sweater. That's Bobby Hull's game sweater. That - I've had that 15 years. Bobby Hull.

Doug: [Unfamiliar with figure skates] Hey, what's the deal with these claws in the front here?

Anton: Is toe pick.

Doug: Toe pick? Let me guess, it has something to personal hygiene.

Kate: I wouldn't let that get in your way.

Doug: I don't let anything get in my way.

Kate: Who the hell do you think you are?

Doug: I know exactly who I am, sweetheart. I'm a guy who came a long way for lunch.

Kate: Well, please don't let me keep you from the trough.

Calgary Cop: Name, son?

[as Doug is charging down the ramp to the arena, late for his Olympic hockey game]

Doug: Dorsey, U.S. Hockey!

Calgary Cop: Hell, son, they're just about to start!

Doug: It's out.

Kate: It's in.

Doug: It's out.

Kate: It's in.

Doug: It's out!

Kate: It's in!

Doug: What difference does it make?

Kate: The difference is... I'm in the mood to kick a little ass.

Sara: I'm going upstairs.

Doug: Are you tired?

Sara: No.

[pause]

Sara: Do you mind sleeping in the bottom bunk tonight?

Doug: Why, you wanna sleep in the top?

Sara: No.

Doug: Sara, I think I'm in heaven.

Sara: I think I'm in love.

Doug: [when Karen wakes up, to find Doug hunting for clothes] Sorry, did I wake you?

Karen: Bottom drawer.

Alex: Dad, what is that?

Doug: That is awesome!

Laura: Where were you?

Zack: I went over to the caretakers to get that stupid jacuzzi started but the guy's disappeared

Laura: What do you MEAN he's disappeared?

Zack: I'm mean I looked ALL over his place and I couldn't find the guy.

Doug: A couple hours ago, I thought I heard someone screaming. Sounded like it was coming from the woods.

Zack: No one ELSE heard it, Doug

Doug: But what if was the caretaker. You just said the guy disappeared

Zack: Just because a guy is NOT around doesn't mean something HAPPENED to him.

Laura: But what if it HAD, Zach?

Garrett: Let's go find 'em.

Doug: Hey, every minute they're gone and we're alone is another minute we're not getting our balls shaved or our manhood glued to a tree.

Doug: You are so dumb you make me sick, whitey.

John Baggs Jr.: [fondly] Well I'm getting kinda fond of you too, spook.

Alix Aubane: [First dialogue between hero and heroine] -How do you feel?

Doug: -Devastated.

Doug: She set me up. She almost killed my mother and she almost killed me.

[Melissa is driving Doug, whom she's only just met, home in her car]

Melissa: [In the middle of an small-talk conversion] So you wanna fuck?

Doug: What?

Melissa: Fuck.

[Doug chuckles awkwardly]

Melissa: I can demonstrate, if you like.

Doug: I already told you, I have a girlfried.

Melissa: I don't know. Your mouth says that...

[she places her hand on his jeans]

Melissa: ... but your body is saying something different.

[Melissa pulls off the road and on to a baseball field, where she and Doug proceed to have sex]

Doug: Ernie, you want a doughnut?

Ernie: I'd rather have the money instead!

Doug: Do you know who Marina Sirtis is?