Donnie Azoff Quotes in The Wolf of Wall Street (2013)

Max Belfort: What kind of hooker takes credit cards?

Donnie Azoff: A rich one!

Jordan Belfort: You want a beer, pal?

Donnie Azoff: What are you drinkin'?

Jordan Belfort: I got this non-alcoholic shit...

Donnie Azoff: What's that?

Jordan Belfort: It's like a non-alcoholic beer. It's got no... no alcohol.

Donnie Azoff: It's a beer?

Jordan Belfort: Yeah, with no alcohol.

Donnie Azoff: But, you drink enough and... you drink a lot and it'll get you fucked up?

Jordan Belfort: No, there's no alcohol. That's the fuckin' point.

Donnie Azoff: I'm not a scientist; I don't know what the fuck you're talking about. I can get you beer if you want fuckin' beer.

Jordan Belfort: I know, but I don't drink, remember? I don't drink anymore?

Donnie Azoff: What, you wanna go inside and blow some lines of baking powder, baking soda? Can't imagine ever not enjoying getting fucked up. I love it.

Jordan Belfort: Yeah...

Donnie Azoff: How's being sober?

Jordan Belfort: It fuckin' sucks.

Donnie Azoff: Boring, right?

Jordan Belfort: So boring. I'm gonna kill myself.

Max Belfort: $430,000 in one month, Jordy. huh?

Jordan Belfort: They're business expenses.

Max Belfort: Jordy, look what you've got here. Look at this! $26,000 for one fucking dinner!

Jordan Belfort: No, no, this can be explained. Dad, we had clients, Pfizer clients. champagne.

Nicky Koskoff: The porterhouse from Argentina.

Jordan Belfort: Expensive champagne and the what, we had to buy champagne.

[to Donnie]

Jordan Belfort: And you brought in all the sides tell him about the sides.

Donnie Azoff: I ordered the sides, so...

Max Belfort: Sides? Sides? $26,000 worth of sides? What are these sides? They cure cancer?

Donnie Azoff: The sides did cure cancer, that's the problem, that's why they were so expensive.

Jordan Belfort: [bursting into laughter] Shut the fuck up!

Donnie Azoff: I'm serious.

Jordan Belfort: [Wakes up on plane; finds he is restrained by a seatbelt across his chest] Oh, Jesus Christ. Fuck. Donnie. Donnie this isn't... this isn't funny, you gotta untie me, buddy.

Donnie Azoff: I can't untie you! The captain tied you up, he almost fuckin' tasered you!

Jordan Belfort: Why?

Donnie Azoff: Why? You were, like, screaming at people. You were on the floor rollin' around and shit.

Jordan Belfort: Oh, Jesus.

Donnie Azoff: You called the captain the n-word.

Jordan Belfort: I called the captain the n-word?

Donnie Azoff: Yeah, he was very upset.

Jordan Belfort: Really?

Donnie Azoff: Luckily we're in first class. Jesus Christ. I think you have a fuckin' drug problem.

Jordan Belfort: People say shit... I mean like, you married your cousin or some stupid shit.

Donnie Azoff: Yeah, my wife is my cousin or whatever, but it's not like what you think.

Jordan Belfort: Is she like, a first cousin?

Donnie Azoff: Her father is the brother of my mom. Like, we grew up together, and she grew up hot, you know, she fucking grew up hot. And all my friends are trying to fuck her, you know, and I'm not gonna let one of these assholes fuck my cousin. So I used the cousin thing, as like, an in with her. I'm not like, gonna let someone else fuck my cousin, you know? If anyone's gonna fuck my cousin, it's gonna be me. Out of respect.

Jordan Belfort: I heard some stupid shit. I... I didn't even want to bring it up. It's just... stupid.

Donnie Azoff: Shit with me?

Jordan Belfort: You know, just... people say shit. I don't even know. I don't even listen to it half the time.

Donnie Azoff: What do they say?

Jordan Belfort: Shit about you and your cousin or something like that. I don't even listen to it. It doesn't even...

Donnie Azoff: No... it's not like that. It's not like that.

Jordan Belfort: You know what I mean? Like you married your cousin or some stupid shit, you know?

Donnie Azoff: Yeah, my wife... yeah, my wife is my cousin or whatever. But it's not like what you think or whatever, you know...

Jordan Belfort: Is she like a... first cousin, or is she...

Donnie Azoff: Yeah, no. She... you know, her... her father is the... is the brother of my mom.

Jordan Belfort: Mhm.

Donnie Azoff: It's not like... Look. We grew up together, and she grew up hot, you know. She fuckin' grew up hot and all of my friends were trying to fuck her, you know, and I wasn't... I'm not gonna let someone, you know, one of these assholes fuck my cousin. So I, you know, used the cousin thing as like... like an in with her. I'm not gonna let someone else fuck my cousin, you know? If anyone is gonna fuck my cousin it's gonna be me, out of... out of respect, you know?

Jordan Belfort: No, I get it, yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, you're not afraid of like the whole kid thing, right? Like the whole...

Donnie Azoff: What, if the kid's retarded?

Jordan Belfort: Yeah.

Donnie Azoff: No, we have two kids.

Jordan Belfort: And they're... I mean, I don't want to get personal or anything, but are they okay?

Donnie Azoff: No, they're not retarded or anything like that...

Jordan Belfort: But there's a big chance, right? The whole...

Donnie Azoff: Yeah, there's like a 60 percent, you know... 60, 65 percent chance the kid's gonna be fuckin' retarded or whatever...

Jordan Belfort: That'd scare the shit out of me, buddy.

Donnie Azoff: Look, man... a lot of having a kid or whatever takes risk, whether you're fuckin' cousins or not, you know...

Jordan Belfort: What if... what if you... I mean, what if something like that happened?

Donnie Azoff: Well, basically, you know, if the kid was retarded I would... I would, you know, drive it up to the country and just like, you know, open the door and let it... say "You're free now!" You know? Like, "Run free!" You know?

Donnie Azoff: I'll tell you what: I'm never eating at Benihana again. I don't care whose birthday it is.

Donnie Azoff: How much money you make?

Jordan Belfort: $70,000 last month.

Donnie Azoff: Get the fuck outta here!

Jordan Belfort: Well technically, $72,000 last month.

Donnie Azoff: You show me a pay stub for $72,000, I quit my job right now and work for you.

[later, on the phone]

Donnie Azoff: Hey Paulie, what's up? No, everything's fine. Hey listen, I quit!

Donnie Azoff: Jesus Christ, I think you have a fuckin' drug problem.

Jordan Belfort: Where are the 'ludes'?

Donnie Azoff: They're up my ass. Don't worry about it, I got it.

Jordan Belfort: [sigh of relief] Thank God.

Donnie Azoff: I check my messages every day when I come home from work... my answering machine... zero! I got a blinkling light because I don't have shit from you. I got my wife... I got my wife checking the messages every forty-five minutes calling the office saying. "Has Brad apologized yet? Is there an apology message on the machine?" I don't have jack-shit. You know what? That's not how you treat people.

Brad: You gotta be a fucking pal... You know what, I'm gonna give you a fucking pass, just give me the case.

Donnie Azoff: You're gonna give me a pass?

Brad: Look, it's a figure of fucking speech, just give me the fucking...

Donnie Azoff: Oh my God, the emperor of Fucksville came down from Fucksville to give me a pass! Hey, what are the citizens of Fucksville doing today when their emperor's gone? Is it, is it mayhem? Are people looting and raping? What are all the little fuckheads doing while you're here?

Donnie Azoff: I got a couple of mil' comin' in like a week. And when it gets in, I'll give you a call and you come pick it up.

Brad: You'll give me a call?

Donnie Azoff: When it gets here, I'll give you a call and you'll come pick it up.

Chantalle: Well, we don't work for you, man!

Donnie Azoff: Sweetheart, you have my money taped to your tits. Technically, you do work for me.

Donnie Azoff: Jordan, it's fucking good, right? It's fucked up.

[laughing hysterically]

Jordan Belfort: GET OFF THE PHONE! GET OFF THE PHONE! FBI!

[swipes at Donnie]

Donnie Azoff: Hey! I'm on the phone!

Donnie Azoff: [peeing on his subpoena] Fuck you, U.S.A. Fuck you, U.S.A. Fuck you! Fuck you!

Donnie Azoff: You're a fucking pill dealer. I got five more just like you, bro.

Brad: Keep talking, you fucking piece of shit!

Donnie Azoff: And you know what else? You dress like shit, so fuck you!

Brad: Fucking motherfucker!

[knocks Donnie unconscious]

Jordan Belfort: Oh! Jesus!

Brad: How about that, faggot? Who's a faggot?

Jordan Belfort: [checks on Donnie] You okay? Hey, pal.

Brad: [Donnie haphazardly gets out from car] Put the fucking car in park, you dumb fucking idiot!

Donnie Azoff: [slurred speech] I can't... I can't close this briefcase.

Brad: One fucking day. One fucking day, you couldn't keep it together?

Donnie Azoff: I'm fucked up, Brad. Fucked up.

Brad: Gotta be fucking kidding me.

Donnie Azoff: [stands up tall, smiling] It's a joke!

Brad: It's a joke?

Donnie Azoff: I'm sober.

Brad: Jesus fucking Christ!

Donnie Azoff: Whoa! Did you just try to kiss me, bro?

Donnie Azoff: The IRS, they allow for T&A, it's fine.

Max Belfort: T&E. T and E. It's T and E!

Donnie Azoff: [raves at Brad] You're gonna knock whose fucking teeth in? Whose fucking teeth are you gonna knock in? I put the money on that fucking table, not you!

Jordan Belfort: He's got a gun you fucking idiot!

Donnie Azoff: Fuck his gun!

Donnie Azoff: [masturbates to Naomi] Perfect...

Hildy Azoff: Donnie, what the fuck are you doing, you piece of shit?

[beats down Donnie]

Jordan Belfort: [to Naomi] You have to excuse my friend.

Donnie Azoff: I hate that fuckin' dog.

Jordan Belfort: Yeah, it's getting old and decrepit. It's startin' to shit in the house again.

Donnie Azoff: Me too.

Donnie Azoff: I don't wanna die, Jordan! I've done a lot of bad shit, I'm going to hell!

Jordan Belfort: [whispering] Donnie. Hold on baby. Donnie.

[yells]

Jordan Belfort: Donnie!

Donnie Azoff: What?

Jordan Belfort: Get the fucking ludes.

Donnie Azoff: I don't wanna die, Jordan! I did a lot of bad shit. I'm going to hell, Jordan! I fucked up! I fucked up so bad.

Jordan Belfort: Get the ludes downstairs!

Donnie Azoff: What are you saying?

Jordan Belfort: Fuck. Get the ludes!

Donnie Azoff: I can't go down there, Jordan. It's flooded! It's three feet of water down there.

Jordan Belfort: I will not die sober! Get those fucking ludes!

Naomi Lapaglia: Where's he going?

Jordan Belfort: Hold on, baby!

Naomi Lapaglia: Donnie! Is he fucking crazy?

Jordan Belfort: He's just warning everybody.

Captain Ted Beecham: Jesus Christ. Hold on! Get away from the window! Rogue wave!

[on radio]

Captain Ted Beecham: Mayday! This is Captain Ted Beecham aboard the yacht Naomi! We are going down!

Donnie Azoff: I got 'em!

Jordan Belfort: Give me one for the nerves!

Naomi Lapaglia: You're doing fucking drugs right now?

Captain Ted Beecham: This is a fucking mayday! We require immediate assistance!

Jordan Belfort: [narration] The nice thing about getting rescued by Italians is that they feed you, make you drink red wine, then you get to dance.

Jordan Belfort: What the fuck is that kid doing? What's he doing?

Donnie Azoff: The biggest IPO in this firm's history, what the fuck is he doing?

Janet (Jordan's Assistant): Is he... is he wearing a bowtie?

Donnie Azoff: Hi, how you doing?

Stratton Broker in a Bowtie: [timid] Good.

Donnie Azoff: You cleaning your fishbowl?

Stratton Broker in a Bowtie: I just, I had a minute and I...

Donnie Azoff: You had a minute? And today, you needed to clean your fishbowl, today?

Stratton Broker in a Bowtie: I finished my paperwork and I was, just had a couple minutes.

Donnie Azoff: Okay, nice to meet you.

Donnie Azoff: On new issue day? On cocksucking, motherfucking new issue day?

Donnie Azoff: This is what you do?

Donnie Azoff: Hey, everybody, listen up!

Donnie Azoff: This is what happens when you fuck with your pets on new issue day!

[dangling the fish from the bowl by its tail and swallowing it]

Donnie Azoff: Take your little bowtie... Get your shit, and get the fuck out of my office. You understand?

Jordan Belfort: Get the fuck out!

Donnie Azoff: Everybody on point! We are here to make money! Everybody on point!

Jordan Belfort: A real wolf pit, which is exactly how I liked it.

Donnie Azoff: On new issue day? On cocksucking motherfucking new issue day? This is what you do!