Donkey Quotes in Shrek (2001)

Donkey: We can stay up late, swapping manly stories, and in the morning, I'm making waffles!

Donkey: [looks at a hovel] Whoa. Look at that. Who'd wanna live in a place like that?

Shrek: That, would be my home.

Donkey: Oh... and it is LOVELY! You know, you're really quite a decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. I like that boulder. That is a NICE boulder.

[looking for a certain type of flower]

Donkey: Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Man, this would be so much easier if I wasn't COLOR-BLIND!

Shrek: For your information, there's a lot more to ogres than people think.

Donkey: Example?

Shrek: Example... uh... ogres are like onions!

[holds up an onion, which Donkey sniffs]

Donkey: They stink?

Shrek: Yes... No!

Donkey: Oh, they make you cry?

Shrek: No!

Donkey: Oh, you leave 'em out in the sun, they get all brown, start sproutin' little white hairs...

Shrek: [peels an onion] NO! Layers. Onions have layers. Ogres have layers... You get it? We both have layers.

[walks off]

Donkey: Oh, you both have LAYERS. Oh. You know, not everybody like onions. CAKE! Everybody loves cake! Cakes have layers!

Shrek: I don't care what everyone likes! Ogres are not like cakes.

Donkey: You know what ELSE everybody likes? Parfaits! Have you ever met a person, you say, "Let's get some parfait," they say, "Hell no, I don't like no parfait."? Parfaits are delicious!

Shrek: NO! You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden! Ogres are like onions! End of story! Bye-bye! See ya later.

Donkey: Parfait's may be the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet!

Princess Fiona: The sooner we get to Duloc, the better!

Donkey: Oh, you gonna love it there, Princess, it's beautiful!

Princess Fiona: And my groom-to-be Lord Farquaad, what's he like?

Shrek: Well, let me put it this way, Princess: men of his stature are in SHORT supply.

[chortles]

Donkey: Yeah! Though there are those who think LITTLE of him!

[laughs]

Donkey: Hi, Princess!

Princess Fiona: It talks!

Shrek: Yeah, it's getting him to shut up that's the trick!

Donkey: Hey, what's your problem, Shrek, what you got against the whole world anyway, huh?

Shrek: Look, I'm not the one with the problem, okay? It's the world that seems to have a problem with ME! People take one look at me and go "Aargh! Help! Run! A big stupid ugly ogre!" They judge me before they even know me - that's why I'm better off alone...

Donkey: You know, Shrek... when we first met, I didn't think you were a big, stupid, ugly ogre.

Shrek: Yeah, I know.

Donkey: So where is this fire-breathin' pain in the neck, anyway?

Shrek: Inside, waiting for us to rescue her.

Donkey: I was talkin' about the dragon, Shrek.

[Shrek, his swamp filled with fairytale creatures, glares at Donkey]

Donkey: Hey, don't look at me, I didn't invite them!

Pinocchio: Oh, gosh, no one invited us!

Shrek: What?

Pinocchio: We were forced to come here!

Shrek: By who?

Little Pig: Lord Farquaad. He huffed, and he puffed... and he signed an eviction notice.

[Shrek is hit by an arrow]

Princess Fiona: Oh!... oh, this is all my fault...

Donkey: Why, what's wrong?

Princess Fiona: Shrek's hurt!

Donkey: Shrek's hurt? Shrek's HURT? Oh, no, Shrek's gonna die!

Shrek: Donkey, I'm okay!

Donkey: You can't do this to me, Shrek, I'm too young for you to die! Keep your feet elevated! Turn your head and cough! Does anybody know the Heimlich...?

Princess Fiona: [grabs Donkey] Donkey, calm down! If you want to help Shrek, go into the forest and look for a blue flower with red thorns.

Donkey: Blue flower, red thorns! Okay, I got it! Blue flower, red thorns! Blue flower, red thorns! Don't die, Shrek, and if you see any long tunnels, stay away from the light!

Shrek: DONKEY!

Donkey: Okay, okay. Blue flower, red thorns! Blue flower, red thorns!

[runs off]

Shrek: What're the flowers for?

Princess Fiona: For getting rid of Donkey.

[the dragon has eaten Lord Farquaad and spits out his crown]

Donkey: Huh, celebrity marriages. They never last, do they?

[receives applause from the crowd]

Donkey: Good evening, people.

Captain of Guards: [as Donkey flies through the air on pixie dust] He can talk!

Donkey: That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying talking donkey! You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly, but I bet you ain't never seen a donkeyfly! Ha, ha!

[pixie dust wears off]

Donkey: Uh-oh!

Donkey: I'll find those stairs. I'll whip their butt, too. Those stairs won't know which way they're going... take drastic steps, kick it to the curb. Don't mess wit' me. I'm the Stair Master. I've mastered the stairs. I wish I had a step right here, right now, I'd step all over it...

Donkey: You're so wrapped up in layers onion boy, you're afraid of your own feelings!

Shrek: [hiding in the toilet] Go away!

Donkey: See? There you are, doing it again! Just like you did to Fiona! All she ever did was like you maybe, even love you!

Shrek: LOVE me? She said I was ugly, a hideous creature! I heard the two of you talking!

Donkey: She wasn't talking about you, okay? She was talking about... uh... somebody else.

Shrek: [comes out] She... wasn't... talking about me?

Shrek: Listen, little donkey, take a look at me! What am I?

Donkey: Ah... really tall?

Shrek: No! I'm an OGRE! You know, "grab your torch and pitchforks!" Doesn't that bother you?

Donkey: Nope.

Shrek: Really?

Donkey: Really, really.

Shrek: [taken aback] Oh.

Donkey: Man, I like you. What's your name?

Shrek: Er... Shrek.

Princess Fiona: [as ogre] Donkey, shh, shh. It's me... in this body.

Donkey: [gasps] Oh, my God, you ate the princess!

[as they approach Fiona's castle, Donkey smells the air]

Donkey: Whoa, Shrek, did you do that? Man, you gotta warn somebody before you crack one like that, my mouth was open and everything!

Shrek: Donkey, if that was me, you'd be dead!

[sniffs]

Shrek: That's brimstone... we must be getting close.

Donkey: Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking about no brimstone. I know what I smelled, it wasn't no brim and it didn't come off no stone neither...

Shrek: Princess, I was SENT to rescue you by Lord Farquad, okay? HE's the one that wants to marry you.

Princess Fiona: Well, why didn't he come to rescue me?

Shrek: Good question! You can ask him that when we get there...

Princess Fiona: But I'm supposed to be rescued by my true love, not by some ogre a-a-and his PET!

Donkey: Well, so much for noble steed!

Shrek: Look, Princess, you're not making my job any easier...

Princess Fiona: Well, I'm sorry, but your job is not my problem. You tell Lord "Far-Quad" that if he wants to rescue me PROPERLY, I'll be waiting for him right here!

[sits down]

Shrek: Hey! I'm nobody's messenger boy, all right? I'm a delivery boy!

Princess Fiona: You wouldn't dare...!

[Shrek carries her off]

Shrek: You coming, Donkey?

Donkey: Yeah, I'm right behind you.

Donkey: Shrek, remember when you said that ogres have layers?

Shrek: Oh, aye?

Donkey: Well, I have a bit of a confession to make: donkeys don't have layers. We wear our fear right there on our sleeves.

Shrek: Wait a second, donkeys don't have sleeves!

Donkey: You know what I mean.

Shrek: Oh, you can't tell me you're afraid of heights?

Donkey: No, I'm just uncomfortable about being on a rickety bridge over a boiling lake of lava!

Donkey: Shrek! Hold up, Shrek! You got to wait for the line!

Shrek: [about to burst into the cathedral] What are you talking about?

Donkey: The line, the line you gotta wait for: the priest's gonna say "Speak now or forever hold your piece", and you rush in and say "I object!"

Shrek: I don't have time for all that!

[runs forward]

Donkey: [stops Shrek] You love this woman, don't ya?

Shrek: Yes.

Donkey: Do you wanna hold her?

Shrek: Yes!

Donkey: Please her?

Shrek: YES!

Donkey: Then ya gotta, gotta try a little TENDERNESS! Chicks love that romantic crap!

Shrek: All right, cut it out! When does this guy say the line?

Donkey: ...We gotta check that out.

[Donkey keeps humming the "Duloc" song]

Shrek: All right, you're going the right way for a smacked bottom.

Donkey: Sorry 'bout that.

Shrek: [to Donkey] WHY are you following me?

Donkey: Oh, I'll tell you why.

[starts to sing]

Donkey: 'Cause I'm all alone / There's no one here beside me / My problems have all gone / There's no one to deride me! / But ya gotta have friends...

Shrek: STOP SINGING! Well, it's no wonder you don't have any friends!

Donkey: Wow! Only a TRUE friend would be that cruelly honest!

Shrek: Does anyone know where this Farquaad guy is?

[Donkey jumps up and down, shouting out]

Donkey: Oh, I know! I know where he is!

Shrek: Does anyone ELSE know where to find him?

Donkey: Pick me! Pick me! Me! Me!

[Dragon, having a crush on Donkey, is cuddling him]

Donkey: [desperately talking] I don't want to rush into a... physical relationship... I'm not that emotionally ready for a... uh... commitment of this... uh... magnitude! Really, that's the word I'm looking for, magnitude... Huh! Hey, that is unwanted physical contact! Hey! What're you doing? Okay, okay, okay... let's just back up a little and take this one step at a time... I mean, we should really get to know each other first, you know, as friends or maybe even as pen pals, you know, coz I'm on the road a lot, but I just love to get a card... Hey, hey, hey, don't do that, that's my TAIL, that's my personal tail, you gonna tear it off! I don't give permission to... Hey, what're you gonna do with that? Oh, no, no, no, no... no!

Donkey: I don't get it, Shrek. Why didn't you just pull some of that ogre stuff on him? You know, throttle him, lay siege to his fortress, grind his bones to make your bread? You know, the whole ogre trip.

Shrek: Oh, I know. Maybe I could have decapitated an entire village, put their heads on a pike, gotten a knife, cut open their spleens and drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you?

Donkey: Uh... no, not really, no.

Donkey: Hey, look at this!

[he goes up to an information booth and pulls a lever. After some clicking, many mechanized marionettes pop out and begin singing]

Clockwork Chorus: Welcome to Duloc, such a perfect town / Here we have some rules, let us lay them down: / Don't make waves, stay in line / And we'll get along fine / Duloc is a perfect place!

Clockwork Chorus: Please keep off of the grass / Shine your shoes, wipe your... FACE! / Duloc is, Duloc is / Duloc is a perfect... place!

[the booth takes Donkey and Shrek's photo, showing them stunned]

Donkey: Wow. Let's do that again!

Shrek: [grabs Donkey] No! No, no no no. No.

Donkey: Say, Shrek, what're we gonna do with our swamp?

Shrek: OUR swamp?

Donkey: You know, when we're though rescuing the princess and all that...

Shrek: Donkey, there's no "we", no "our". There's just ME and MY swamp! And the first thing I'm gonna do is build a ten-foot wall around my land.

Donkey: You cut me deep, Shrek. You cut me very deep just now... You know what, Shrek? I think this whole wall thing is to keep somebody out!

Shrek: [sarcastic] No! You think?

Donkey: Are you hiding something?

Shrek: Let it go, Donkey.

Donkey: Oh, this is one of those onion things, isn't it?

Shrek: No, it's one of those drop-it-and-leave-it-alone things.

Donkey: Why won't you talk about it?

Shrek: Why do you WANT to talk about it?

Donkey: Then why are you blocking?

Shrek: I'm not blocking!

Donkey: Oh, yes you are!

Shrek: Donkey, I'm warning you...

Donkey: Just who are you trying to keep away? Just tell me that, Shrek?

Shrek: EVERYONE! All right?

[pause]

Donkey: Oh, now we're getting somewhere!

Shrek: Oh, for the love of Pete...

Donkey: Princess?... You look... uh... different.

Princess Fiona: [as ogre] I'm UGLY! Okay?

Donkey: Yeah! What was it, something you ate? I told Shrek those weedrats were a bad idea!

Princess Fiona: No. it's... it's been this way as long as I can remember.

Donkey: What d'you mean? Look, I ain't never seen you like this before!

Princess Fiona: It only happens when the sun goes down.

[looks at her reflection in a water barrel]

Princess Fiona: "By night one way, by day another / Thus shall be the norm / Till you receive true love's kiss / then, take love's true form."

Donkey: Oh, that's beautiful. I didn't know you wrote poetry.

Princess Fiona: It's a spell! When I was a little girl, a witch cast a spell on me. Every night I become this, this horrible ugly beast! I was placed in the tower to await the day when my true love would rescue me. That's why I have to marry Lord Farquaad before the sun sets, and he sees me... like this.

[starts sobbing]

Donkey: All right, all right, calm down. It's not so bad. You're not that ugly... well, you are. I ain't gonna lie, you ARE ugly. But you only look like this at night, Shrek's ugly 24/7!

Princess Fiona: But Donkey, I'm a princess! And this is not how a princess is supposed to look!

Donkey: How about you don't marry Farquaad?

Princess Fiona: I have to. Only the true love's kiss can break the spell.

Donkey: Well, you're kind of an ogre. And you and Shrek, well, you got a lot in common.

Princess Fiona: Shrek?

Donkey: [the bridge is swaying] Don't do that!

Shrek: Don't do what? Oh, you mean this?

[makes the bridge sway]

Donkey: Yes, that!

Shrek: Yes. Yes, do it. Okay.

[sways the bridge some more]

Donkey: No, Shrek!

[last lines]

Donkey: Oh, that's funny. Oh. Oh. I can't breathe. I can't breathe.

[eyeing the "KEEP OUT" signs surrounding Shrek's home]

Donkey: I guess you don't, uh... entertain much.

Shrek: I like my privacy.

Donkey: Y'know, I do too. That's another thing we have in common. I hate it when you've got someone in your face, you try to give someone a hint and they won't leave, and then there's that big awkward silence...

[big awkward silence ensues]

Donkey: ...Can I stay with you?

Shrek: What?

Donkey: Can I stay with you? Please?

Shrek: Of course!

Donkey: Really?

Shrek: No.

Donkey: Please! I don't wanna go back there, you don't know what it's like to be treated as a freak!... Well, maybe you do... but that's why we gotta stick together! You gotta let me stay! Please! PLEASE!

Shrek: Back off!

Donkey: YOU back off!

Shrek: This is MY swamp!

Donkey: OUR swamp!

Shrek: Let go, Donkey!

Donkey: YOU let go!

Shrek: Stubborn jackass!

Donkey: Smelly ogre!

Shrek: ...Fine!

Donkey: ...And then one time I ate some rotten berries. Man, there were some strong gases seepin' outta my butt that day!

Shrek: Go over there and see if you can find any stairs.

Donkey: Stairs? I thought we was lookin' for the Princess.

Shrek: The Princess will be up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest tower.

Donkey: How do you know that?

Shrek: I read it in a book once.

Donkey: Cool! You handle the dragon, I'll handle the stairs!

Shrek: So... what did Fiona say about me?

Donkey: Ah, what're you asking me for? Why don't you go and ask her!

Shrek: The wedding! We'll never make it in time!

Donkey: Ha-ha-ha! Never fear! Where there's a will, there's a way. And I have a way.

[blows a whistle, and Dragon appears in the sky; an overjoyed Shrek grabs Donkey and cuddles him]

Donkey: All right, all right, that's enough. No one likes a kiss-ass.

[Dragon looms above Donkey]

Donkey: Oh, what large teeth you have!

[Dragon roars]

Donkey: I mean, white sparkly teeth! I know you probably hear this all the time from your food, but you must bleach or something 'cause that's one dazzling smile you got there! And do I detect a hint of minty freshness? And you know something, you're...

[the Dragon looks closer and Donkey sees she's female]

Donkey: A girl dragon... Oh, sure, I mean of COURSE you're a girl dragon! You're just reeking of feminine beauty and... hey, what's the matter with you, you got somethin' in your eye?

[Dragon blows out a heart-shaped cloud of smoke]

Donkey: Ohh... well, you know, I gotta go. I'm an asthmatic, I don't hold with smoke rings and stuff. SHREK!

[Dragon picks Donkey up and carries him away]

[Fiona notices it's sunset]

Princess Fiona: [uneasy] Shouldn't we stop to make camp?

Shrek: No, that'll take longer. We can keep going.

Princess Fiona: But, there's... ROBBERS, in the woods!

Donkey: Whoa! Time out, Shrek! Camp is definitely starting to sound good!

Shrek: Hey, come on, I'm scarier than anything we're gonna meet in this forest...

Princess Fiona: [in Shrek's face] Find me somewhere to make camp NOW!

Princess Fiona: Shrek? I'm... I'm worried about Donkey, he doesn't look so good...

Donkey: What you talking about? I feel fine!

Princess Fiona: Well, that's what they always say, and then, and then, and then next thing you know you're on your back!

[Donkey leers at Fiona]

Princess Fiona: ...Dead!

Donkey: Okay, let me get this straight: you gonna go fight a dragon and rescue a princess just so Farquaad'll give you back your swamp, which you only don't have 'cause he filled it full of freaks in the first place. Is that about right?

Shrek: You know what? Maybe there's a good reason donkeys shouldn't talk.

[Shrek and Donkey are crossing a wooden bridge over a moat of lava]

Donkey: Don't look down, don't look down, don't look down, keep on moving, don't look down...

[a board under Donkey breaks, prompting Donkey... ]

Donkey: Shrek, I'm looking down!

Donkey: All right, nobody move! I've got a dragon and I'm not afraid to use it! I'm a donkey on the edge!

Shrek: Fiona? Are you all right?

[Fiona looks at herself, and sees she is still an ogre]

Princess Fiona: Yes. But, I don't understand. I'm supposed to be beautiful.

Shrek: But you are beautiful.

Donkey: I was hoping this would be a happy ending...

[Shrek and Fiona kiss]

Shrek: If I treat you so badly, then why did you come back, huh?

Donkey: Because that's what friends do, they FORGIVE EACH OTHER!

Shrek: Oh, yeah. You're right, Donkey. I forgive you - for stabbing me in the back!

Shrek: [to Donkey] I already told you, didn't I? You're not coming home with me! I live alone! MY swamp! ME! Nobody else, understand? NOBODY! Especially useless, pathetic, annoying, TALKING *DONKEYS*!

Donkey: But... I thought...

Shrek: Yeah, well, you know what? You thought wrong.

Donkey: Okay, so here's another question: Say there's a woman who digs you, right, but you really don't like her THAT quick - now how do you let her down real easy so her feelings aren't hurt, but you don't get burned to a crisp and eaten? How do you do that?

Princess Fiona: Just tell her she's not your true love!

Shrek: Donkey? What are you doing?

Donkey: [gathering branches] I would think YOU of all people would recognize a wall when you saw one!

Shrek: Well, yeah... but the wall's supposed to go AROUND my swamp, not through it!

Donkey: It is around your swamp! That's your half and this's mine!

Shrek: Oh, your half! Hmmm!

Donkey: Yes, MY half! I helped rescue the Princess! I did half the work, I get half the booty! Now hand over that big rock, the one that looks like your head!

Donkey: I just know, before this is over, I'm gonna need a whole lot of serious therapy. Look at my eye twitchin'.

[staring up at the starry night]

Shrek: [pointing at a constellation] ... and that one, that's Throwback, the only ogre to spit over three wheat fields.

Donkey: Okay, I see it. Hey, Shrek, can you tell my future from these stars?

Shrek: Well, the stars don't tell the future, Donkey, they tell stories. That one is Bloodnok, the Flatulent. You can guess what HE's famous for...

Donkey: Okay, now I know you're making that up!

Shrek: [pointing] No! See, that's him, and this is the group of hunters running away from his stench.

Donkey: Man, that ain't nothing but a bunch of little dots.

Shrek: You know, Donkey, things are more than what they seem, hmm?... Forget it.

[Shrek spots a lighted window in the Dragon's castle]

Shrek: Well, at least we know where the Princess is. But where's the...?

Donkey: DRAGON!

[runs away]

Donkey: Oh, now I really see what's going on...

Shrek: I don't know what you're talking about...

Donkey: Hey, I don't even wanna hear... Look, I'm an animal, I got instincts, and I know you two were diggin' on each other!

Shrek: Oh, you're crazy! I'm just bringing her back to Farqusad!

Donkey: Oh, come on, Shrek, wake up and smell the pheromones! Just go in there and tell her you how you feel!

Shrek: Arrgh! There's nothing to tell! Even if I DID have... I'm not saying I am, 'cause I don't... she's a princess! And I'm...

Donkey: An ogre?

Shrek: Yeah. An ogre.

[walks away]

Donkey: Where're you going?

Shrek: To get... more firewood.

[Donkey looks askance at a full pile of firewood]

[Shrek roars at Donkey]

Donkey: Wow, that was really scary. And if you don't mind me saying, if that don't work your breath will certainly get the job done, cause you definitely need some Tic Tacs or something cause your breath STINKS!

Donkey: [staring at the priest] Mother Fletcher, he already said it!

Shrek: Oh, for the love of Pete!

Shrek: Quick, tell a lie!

Pinocchio: What should I say?

Donkey: Say something crazy, like, "I'm wearing ladies underwear!"

Pinocchio: I'm wearing ladies underwear.

Pinocchio: [silence]

Shrek: Are you?

Pinocchio: I most certainly am not!

Pinocchio: [nose extends]

Donkey: It looks like you most certainly am are!

Pinocchio: I am not!

Pinocchio: [nose extends]

Puss-in-Boots: What kind?

Gingerbread Man: IT'S A THONG!

Shrek: Donkey, think of the saddest thing that's ever happened to you.

Donkey: Oh, man! Where do I begin? First there was the time the farmer traded me for some magic beans. I ain't never gotten over that. Then this fool went off and had a party, and they all starting trying to pin a tail on me. Then they all got drunk, and started hitting me with sticks, yelling "Piñata! Piñata!" What is a piñata, anyway?

[after drinking a beauty potion]

Donkey: I don't *feel* any different. Do I look any different?

Puss-in-Boots: You still look like an ass to me.

Donkey: Oh, Shrek. Don't worry. Things just seem bad because it's dark and rainy and Fiona's father hired a sleazy hitman to whack you.

Donkey: What about my Miranda rights? You're supposed to say, "You have the right to remain silent." Nobody said I have the right to remain silent!

Shrek: Donkey, you HAVE the right to remain silent. What you lack is the capacity.

Puss-in-Boots: [camera shows just Puss] I must hold on before I, too, go totally mad.

Gingerbread Man: Shrek? Donkey?

Puss-in-Boots: [looks up to see fairy tale creatures above him] Too late.

Receptionist: Look, she's not seeing any clients today. Okay?

Shrek: That's okay, buddy. We're from the union.

Receptionist: The union?

Shrek: We represent the workers in all magical industries, both evil and benign.

Receptionist: Oh, of course.

Shrek: Are you feeling at all degraded or oppressed?

Receptionist: A little. We don't even have dental.

Shrek: They don't even have dental. Okay, we're gonna have a look around. And buddy, it would be better if the Fairy Godmother doesn't know about this. Know what I mean? Hmm?

Donkey: Hmm?

Shrek: Hmm?

Donkey: Huh? Huh? Huh?

Shrek: Stop it.

Donkey: I don't wanna die! I don't wanna DIE! Oh, sweet sister mother of mercy! I'm melting! I'M MEEELTIIING!

Shrek: It's just the rain, Donkey.

Donkey: You got a puppy? All I got in my room was shampoo.

[Shrek, Fiona, Fiona's Mom and Dad and Donkey are arguing at the table]

Queen: Harold!

Princess Fiona: Shrek!

Shrek: Fiona...

King: Fiona!

Princess Fiona: Mom!

Queen: Harold!

Donkey: [happily] Donkey!

Donkey: [singing] The sun will come out tomorrow, bet your bottom...

[trails off]

Shrek: Bet my bottom?

Donkey: I'm coming Elizabeth!

[passes out]

Donkey: [singing] Head 'em up, Head 'em up, Move 'em on, Move 'em on, Head 'em up, Rawhide! Line 'em up, Move 'em on, Head 'em up, Head 'em up, Move 'em on, Rawhide! Knock 'em out, Pound dead, Make 'em tea, Buy 'em drinks, Meet their mommas, Milk 'em hard, RAWHIDE! YEE-HAW!

Donkey: I mean, how good looking could this Prince Charming guy be anyway?

The Ugly Stepsister: Are you kiddin'? He's gorgeous! His face looks like it was carved by angels.

Puss-in-Boots: Hmmm... he sounds dreamy.

Donkey: [repeatedly] Are we there yet?

Donkey: Shrek and I drank this potion and well, now... we're sexy!

Donkey: Are we there yet?

Shrek: Yes.

Donkey: Really?

Shrek: No!

Donkey: [carriage runs over Donkey] Oh, God! help me, please! My racing days are over! I'm blind! I'm blind! Tell the truth. Will I ever be able to play the violin again?

Donkey: [from their hiding place] Get your fine Corinthian footwear and your cat cheeks out of my face!

Donkey: [to Puss-in-Boots] I'm sorry, the position of annoying talking animal has already been taken.

Donkey: Pray for mercy, from Puss!

Puss-in-Boots: And Donkey!

Shrek: Oh, look! A little cat.

[Puss-in-boots brandishes his sword]

Donkey: Look out, Shrek, he got a piece!

[after Shrek, Donkey and Puss stumble upon a factory with multi-colored smokestacks]

Donkey: Oh, no! That's the old Keebler's place! Let's just walk away slowly.

Puss-in-Boots: That's the Fairy Godmother's cottage. She is the largest producer of hexes and potions in the whole kingdom.

Shrek: So why don't we drop in for a spell? Ha, ha! Spell!

Chef: Bon appétit!

Donkey: Oh, Mexican food! My favorite.

[Harold takes the spell meant for Shrek, and is blasted until only his armour remains]

Princess Fiona: Oh, Dad...

Queen: Harold...

Pinocchio: Is he... oh...

[there's a "ribbit"]

Gingerbread Man: He croaked...

[Harold, the Frog King, clambers out of his armour]

Queen: ...Harold?

Princess Fiona: ...Dad?

King: [sighs] I had hoped you would never see me like this...

Donkey: [to Shrek] Huh - and he gave *you* a hard time!

Shrek: Donkey!

King: No, no, he's right - I'm sorry, to both of you. I only wanted what was best for Fiona, but I can see now she already has it. Shrek, Fiona - will you accept an old frog's apologies, and my blessing?

[Shrek and Fiona bow their heads in assent]

Queen: Harold...

King: I'm sorry, Lillian - I just wish I could be the man that you deserve...

Queen: [taking him in her hand] You're more that man today than you ever were - warts and all...

King: [Donkey sits at the table] No, no! Bad donkey! Bad! Down!

Princess Fiona: Dad, it's alright, it's alright. He's with us. He helped rescue me from the dragon.

Donkey: Yup, that's me, the noble steed. Hey waiter! How 'bout a bowl for the steed?

Donkey: [after turning back into a donkey] Aaaaaaw.

Shrek: Hey? You still look like a noble steed to me.

Donkey: [to Puss] If we ever need an expert on licking ourselves, we'll give you a call.

Shrek: Face it, Donkey. We're lost.

Donkey: We can't be lost. We followed the king's instructions to the letter. What did he say? Go to the deepest, darkest part of the forest.

Shrek: Aye.

Donkey: Go past the sinister-looking trees with the scary-looking branches.

Shrek: Uh-huh.

Donkey: And there's that bush that looks like Shirley Bassey.

Shrek: We passed that bush three times already!

Donkey: Well, I wasn't the one who refused to stop for directions.

Shrek: Donkey? you're a...

Donkey: A stallion, baby! I can whinny!

[whinnies]

Donkey: I can count!

[stomps his hoof]

Donkey: Look at me, Shrek! I'm trotting!

Puss-in-Boots: Ah-ha-ha!...

[cough - hack - cough]

Puss-in-Boots: He he... Hairball.

Donkey: Oh, that is nasty!

Donkey: [running ahead of giant gingerbread man] Run, run, run as fast as you can!

Fairy Godmother: We have to go. I have to do Charming's hair. You know, he's all high in the front and he can't reach the back. He always needs someone to take care of the back.

Prince Charming: Oh, thank you, Mother.

Donkey: [outside window] Mother?

Shrek: Uh... Mary! A talking horse!

Fairy Godmother: The ogre!

Donkey: You know, in some cultures, donkeys are revered as the smartest of animals, especially us talking ones.

Queen: So, Fiona. Tell us about where you live.

Princess Fiona: Well, Shrek owns his own land. Don't you, honey?

Shrek: Yes. It's in an... enchanted forest, abundant in squirrels, and cute little duckies...

Donkey: What?

[laughs]

Donkey: I know you ain't talking about the swamp.

Shrek: Donkey!

King: An ogre from a swamp. How original.

Queen: I guess that will be a fine place to raise the children.

[both Shrek and the King choke; Shrek coughs up his spoon]

Shrek: It's a little early to be thinking about that, isn't it?

King: Indeed! I just started eating.

Donkey: I'm a stallion, baby!

[trying to get Puss, Donkey accidentally kicks Shrek in the groin]

Donkey: Did I miss?

Shrek: No. You got them.

[Dragon flies up with her and Donky's children]

Donkey: Look at our little mutant babies!

[screen goes black]

Donkey: I gotta get a job!

Princess Fiona: You're acting like a... a...

Shrek: Go on, say it.

Princess Fiona: Like an ogre!

Shrek: Well, guess what? Whether your parents like it or not, I *am* an ogre!

[roars at the dog to shut it up]

Shrek: And guess what, princess? That's not about to change.

Princess Fiona: I've made changes for you, Shrek. Think about that.

[she leaves]

Donkey: That's real smooth, Shrek. "I'm an ogre! Arrr!"

[Shrek is depressed because Fiona's father wants to kill him]

Donkey: Oh, don't feel bad, Shrek. Almost everybody who meets you wants to kill you.

Donkey: It's gonna be champagne wishes and caviar dreams from now on.

Shrek: Look out, princess. Here comes the new me.

[his pants fall down]

Donkey: First things first. We need to get you out of those clothes.

[the maidens gasp with delight]

Donkey: [as he stands on an elevated stage with a mike] Puss and Donkey, y'all.

[Shrek has grabbed Puss-in-boots]

Donkey: I say we take the sword and neuter him right here! Give him the Bob Barker treatment!

Donkey: [after just being snuck up on by Puss In Boots, who steps on his hoof] Owww! You little hairy little licking sack of...

[tear lands onto card]

Fairy Godmother: ["Voice Message" Bubble forms after landing] Is it on?, Is it on?

[clears throat]

Fairy Godmother: What? Is it on? Is it on? This is Fairy Godmother. I'm either away from my desk or with a client, but if you come by the office, we'll be glad to give you a personal appointment. Have a Happy Ever After!

[bubble pops]

[as Shrek and Harold get into a fight]

Donkey: I got to go to the bathroom...

Chef: Dinner is served!

Donkey: Never mind. I can hold it.

Queen: Harold!

Princess Fiona: Shrek!

Shrek: Fiona!

King: Fiona!

Princess Fiona: Mom!

Princess Fiona: Harold!

Donkey: Donkey!

[at the dinner table as dinner is served]

Queen: Let's not sit here with our tummies rumbling. Everybody dig in.

Donkey: Don't mind if I do, Lillian!

Donkey: Man, you are a cat-tastrophe.

Puss in Boots: And you, are ri-donk-ulous.

[Both laugh]

Donkey: Are my kids cute or do they make people uncomfortable?

Donkey: And I thought the waffle fairy was just a bedtime story!

Donkey: Please eat my face last and send my hooves to my momma!

Donkey: Help! I'm being assnapped!

Donkey: You know what would pick up the morale in here? Flip-flop Fridays. You can feel the breeze in your toes.

Shrek: Sorry, but this order's to go.

Cookie: But I haven't taken out his gibblets yet.

Shrek: Trust me, you don't want to eat this one.

Donkey: I go down smooth, but I come out fightin'!

Donkey: I'm a daddy?

Donkey: Why don't you just tell her what you told me? You know, about how you're her true love and you came from an alternate universe.

Shrek: Oh, and while I'm at it, why don't I tell her that you're married to a fire-breathing dragon and you have little mutant donkey dragon babies?

Donkey: I do?

Shrek: You saw what happened. She's going to think I'm crazy.

Donkey: I'm a daddy?

Donkey: Put a little mustard on mine, Captain Crazy!

Shrek: I can't believe I'm going to be a father. How did this happened?

Puss in Boots: Allow me to explain. When a man falls in love with a woman, he is overcome with powerful urges...

Shrek: I know how it happened! I just can't believe it.

Donkey: [to Puss] How does it happen?

Donkey: Alright people, let's do this thing. Go Team Dynamite!

Pinocchio: But I thought we agreed we'd go by the name Team Super-cool.

Gingerbread Man: As I recall, it was Team Awesome.

Wolf: I voted for Team Alpha Wolf Squadron.

Donkey: Alright, alright, alright. From henceforth, we're all to be known as Team Alpha Super Awesome Cool Dynamite Wolf Squadron.

Puss in Boots: [after switching bodies with Donkey] Ye haw.

Donkey: Oh, you'll learn to control that!

[Snickers]

Donkey: [Reading Sign] Wer-sestor-shiray? Sounds fancy!

Shrek: No, it's Worcestershire.

Donkey: Like the Sauce? Spicy!

Puss in Boots: How can you be a reciever of the wedgies, when you are clearly not a wearer of the underpants?

Donkey: Let's just say some things are better left unsaid.

Puss in Boots: If he were real, could I do this?

[Digs claws into Shrek's leg, Shrek tries to hold in his pain]

Shrek: Ah! Oww!

Donkey: Or this?

[Kicks Shrek's other leg, Shrek moans]

Shrek: If it were real, that would have been agonizingly painful.

Donkey: Now watch this!

Shrek: [Restrains Donkey and Puss] That's quite enough, boys!

Donkey: [seeing Shrek naked in the bed] Aahh! You know, you really need to get yourself a pair of jammies!

Donkey: [Hook's men wheel his piano in during the fight] Look out! They got a piano!

Donkey: What in the shestershire is this place?

Shrek: Well, my stomach's aching and my palms just got sweaty. Must be a high school.

Donkey: [Donkey and Puss in Boots have switched bodies] I've been abra-cadabra'd into a Fancy Feasting second-rate sidekick!

Puss in Boots: At least you don't look like a bloated roadside piñata. You really need to go on a diet.

Donkey: And you really need to get yourself a pair of pants! I feel all exposed and nasty!

Donkey: [to Shrek and Fiona] Good Morning, good morning... To you, and you and youuuuu.

Donkey: [Having just fallen from the sky] I haven't had a trip that bad since college!

Donkey: They grow up so fast.

Shrek: Not fast enough.

Artie: Did you say you were looking for Arthur?

Puss in Boots: That information is on a need to know basis.

Donkey: It's top secret. Hushity-hush.

Merlin: Now, look into the fire and tell me what you see.

Donkey: Ooh, charades! I see a chocolate waffle with cinnamon swirls.

Merlin: Okay, monster. Go for it.

[Shrek looks into the smoke, sees a baby carriage; tries to blow it away]

Shrek: Uh... I see a rainbow pony.

Shrek: [to Artie shortly after they crash the boat] We're headed back to Far Far Away whether you like it or not! And you're gonna be a father!

Artie: [Sounding confused] What?

Donkey: [to Shrek] You just said father!

Shrek: [to Artie] I said... king, you're gonna be king!

Artie: [Imitating Shrek] You're gonna be king!

[Reverts back to his normal voice]

Artie: Yeah, right!

[the Wheelman is driving the getaway car after the robbery and hears on the police radio that the police are getting very close]

The Wheelman: I used to live round here. Hold tight.

[he swerves onto a farm track, through some greenhouses and heads towards a fence]

Guv'nor: [shouts] That's a bloody fence! Christ! Where are you going? You stupid... Where are we going now?

The Wheelman: [calmly] We can cut through round here, back onto the estate.

Donkey: [shouts] There's no road. Where is it? There's no road!

[the Wheelman sees two garages with a narrow gap between them]

The Wheelman: Shit! These weren't here last year.

Donkey: [ironically] No? Well they're here now!

[the Wheelman tries to get through the gap, but the car jams, so he reverses and tries again, repeatedly]

Guv'nor: [shouts] Where are you going, Richie?

The Wheelman: Trying to get us out of here.

Guv'nor: [shouts] It won't work!

The Peterman: Can we get out!

The Wheelman: That's what I'm trying to do.

The Peterman: No, get out and walk.

Donkey: Look, you don't understand the basic laws of physics. The hole is too small.

[after many attempts, the Wheelman manages to get the car through the gap]

Guv'nor: Have you *any* idea where you're going?

[after narrowly escaping being crushed by an oncoming lorry as they overtake a coach, they arrive at some waste ground where they dump the car]

The Wheelman: [apologetically] Sorry about the last bit, Guv. Bit untoward.

Guv'nor: Don't worry, Richie. Anyone else would still be modifying greenhouses. Be lucky, son.