Don Ready Quotes in The Goods: Live Hard, Sell Hard (2009)

Don Ready: I had to take my pants off and nibble my Old Spice down to three ounces just to get on the plane, Stacey!

Stewardess Stacey: They made me throw out my mouthwash.

Brent Gage: I had to give up my bath jellies.

Babs Merrick: They made me breast feed some old man.

Don Ready: You give away free hot dogs and put up an inflatable gorilla, shit's gonna go down.

Ivy Selleck: Mister Ready, this business has been in our family for 40 years, so no sleazy stuff okay?

Don Ready: Don't worry about it darlin' we're not going to break the rules, we're just going to bend them a little bit...

Ivy Selleck: [wiggles around faking enthusiasm] Okay, okay. I just, I know your type. You know it's all the thrill of the hunt, I get it. I mean you crave it, you corner it, but mister Ready let me ask you a question. You know what to do when you catch it?

[awkward silence drops around the dinner table]

Don Ready: Are we talking about pussy?

Don Ready: I'm sorry. I apologize. I'm... I'm a Christian man or whatever religion dominates the region I'm selling in, but you have to admit it did sound like she was talking about the big va-jay-jay, right?

Don Ready: I'm Don "The Goods" Ready. Everyone here told you their story, here's mine... I have hair on my balls and I sell cars. The end.

Don Ready: Pain is weakness leaving the body.

Don Ready: Like Henry David Thoreau and Rosa Parks and David Lee Roth when he left Van Halen we can say "Enough! Enough injustice!"

Don Ready: Hey, uh, Paxton... Lance Bass called, He said he, uh... Oh, fucking forget it.

Paxton Harding: Yeah, like he would have your number.

Stu Harding: Hey, Lance Bass never opened for OTown, My boy did. You can Google it.

Paxton Harding: Yeah. I told them that already, dad. They refused to Google it.

Tammy Selleck: You know Paxton here is in one of those popular bands in Temecula. Balls out!

Paxton Harding: No Big ups.

Tammy Selleck: Big Ups.

Don Ready: Either way.

[Everyone laughs]

Paxton Harding: Big ups is the name of the band! It's me and Ricky and Jason and we ya know we sing about life and love and passion, I'm not gonna lie to you we have some pretty *sick* dance moves.

Don Ready: Are, are you in a boy band?

Paxton Harding: No I'm in a man band, Were all over 30 we call it a man band,

Don Ready: You're... You're men in a boy band.

Paxton Harding: We open for O-Town! Right here in Temecula okay. Google it.

Brent Gage: No.

Paxton Harding: Google it

Brent Gage: No.

Paxton Harding: Why wouldn't you Google it, I just told you to Google it. Google "Big Ups"

Babs Merrick: No i Googled it, it said you *fucking* blow.

Paxton Harding: That was O-Town's website.

Paxton Harding: You know what. I'm rising above this, while you guys are yukking it up I'm gonna go rehearse with Big Ups.

Brent Gage: You can do this. You are a winner. Don Ready has the heart of a champion.

Don Ready: I'm a fucking stallion. I should be owned by a goddamn middle eastern sheik!

Brent Gage: There's almost no doubt you invented the phrase "It's all good".

Brent Gage: In the schoolyard a Don Ready is a euphemism for a hard-on.

Don Ready: Hey McDermott, we did it. A happy ending!

McDermott: Yeah, if you call selling cars in Temecula a happy ending.

Angels: [signing] Temecula! It's not even motherfucking Fresno!

Stewardess Stacey: Sir, there's no smoking on airplanes.

Don Ready: I know! It's ridiculous, isn't it? Don't worry about it, I'll be quick.

Don Ready: Alright everyone just calm down. Bottom line, we have all just committed a federal offense. Which means that G-men are going to be crawling all over this lot. Let's get our stories straight... Dang came at us with a samurai sword, fire extinguisher and Chinese throwing stars.

Don Ready: Are you in a boy band?

Paxton Harding: No. I'm in a man band. We're all over 30. We call it a man band.

Don Ready: You're men in a boy band.

Don Ready: And we're looking at an even better day tomorrow. Bo Bice's brother comin' in here to sing some tunes.

Wade Zooha: Shut up! Eric Bice?

Don Ready: Don't even get me started on Pearl Harbor, our Navy boys out there enjoying the nice Hawaiian sun when here come the Japs flyin' in low and fast

Don Ready: You're here from Selleck Motors?

Peter Selleck: No but my dad is.

Don Ready: You know you're supposed to put the name of the party you're picking up not your own. Love the drawing though.

Peter Selleck: Yea I'm a really good drawer, I like to draw stomach muscles the most. I can also draw Darth Vader's Helmet, I can also draw him, I can draw uhh a saber, A lightsaber or a regular sword it dudnt even matter

Don Ready: What the fuck is wrong with you? Are ya drunk? Are you retarded? Because were here to help you.

Peter Selleck: Don't move! Dad! Amber Alert! Adult! Stranger Danger Stranger Danger! Dad!

Babs Merrick: Looks like it wasn't the fax ink, hes some sort of man child.

Ben Selleck: Its a pituitary problem ma'am, Hes 10... in the developing body of an adult

Don Ready: Awe I'm sorry buddy, I'm totally sorry. Put it up there high five, good effort there

Don Ready: Make sure your underwear is *tight* tomorrow... because you will have a boner.

Peter Selleck: Hahaha!

Jibby Newsome: Amen

Ben Selleck: I like the sound of that, Right Brent?

Brent Gage: You were the first person to wear a Von Dutch trucker hat.

Don Ready: I really regret that!

Brent Gage: As well you should.

Brent Gage: Mmmm look at my husband, looks like hes got a Don Ready!

Don Ready: Give me a minute.