Doctor Quotes in The Dark Knight Rises (2012)

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Doctor Quotes:

  • Doctor: I've seen worse cartilage in knees.

    Bruce Wayne: That's good.

    Doctor: No, that's because there is NO cartilage in your knee, and not much of any use in your elbows or your shoulders. Between that and the scar tissue on your kidneys, the residual concussive damage to your brain tissue, and the general scarred-over quality of your body, I cannot recommend that you go heliskiing, Mr. Wayne

    Bruce Wayne: Right.

  • Megatron: Dotor, examine this alien specimen...

    [the Doctor transforms and crawls on Sam]

    Doctor: I'll scan you. Let's take a look at your face. I'm ze Doctor. Ze oddjob. Information!

    [shoves a probe down Sam's throat, and acquires readings from a hologram]

    Megatron: Oh, there they are...

    Sam Witwicky: What?

    Megatron: These symbols can lead us to the Energon source!

    Doctor: We must have ze brain on ze table! Chop chop!

    Sam Witwicky: Brain? What does he mean by my brain?

    Megatron: Well, you have something on your mind, something I need...

    Sam Witwicky: Hold on, I know you're pissed, I know you're pissed because I tried to kill, you and it's completely understandable! If somebody tried to kill me, I'd be upset too! I think we have an oppurtunity here to start anew, and-and develop our relationship, and see what it leads us, okay? So, you just call the Doctor Inspector off and let's just talk for five seconds!

    [the Doctor pulls out a buzzsaw]

  • Doctor: [examining Megatron's body] Need parts! Kill ze little one!

    [the Constructicons dismember one of their members]

    Scrapmetal: Nooo...!

  • Doctor: Ze shard make Energon!

    [sticks the shard into Megatron's chest]

  • Doctor: [Examining a medical scan of Bond after his release from North Korean prison] Liver not too good. It's definitely him then.

  • Marlena Diamond: Guys? I don't feel so good.

    Doctor: We got a bite!

    [Marlena is led screaming to a tent]

  • Douglas Quaid: Come on, Cohaagen! You got what you want. Give those people air!

    Vilos Cohaagen: My friend, in five minutes, you won't give a shit about the people. Fire it up, Doc!

    Richter: Excuse me, Doctor, is he gonna remember any of this?

    Doctor: Not a thing.

    Richter: Oh, really?

    [Richter punches Quaid in his face. Quaid angrily glares back at Richter]

    Vilos Cohaagen: Oh, Quaid, I'm having a party tonight. Why don't you and Melina drop by? Remind him, Doc?

    Doctor: Sure.

    Richter: See you at the party.

  • Doctor: What have we got?

    Paramedic: [about Priest] Gunshot wound to the head doc.

    Doctor: Eh, she's dead.

  • [after painting a ball bearing in the Deacon's eye socket to look like a real one]

    Deacon: Well? How's it look?

    [the other smokers say, "not bad," "not bad at all", etc]

    Doctor: I-I like it better than your real eye.

    [One smoker says, "much better," to general agreement]

    Deacon: What do you say, Toby? The truth.

    Toby: Looks like shit.

    Deacon: That's why I love children: no guile.

    [after looking at his new eye in a mirror]

    Deacon: It does look like shit.

  • Mariner: I want the girl.

    Deacon: You know, I thought you were stupid, friend. But I underestimated you. You are a total freaking retard! Ha-ha-ha...

    Mariner: I want the girl. That's all.

    Deacon: Well, what on this screwed-up earth of ours makes you think you're gonna get her?

    [the Mariner takes a flare from his belt, and holds it over a hole leading down to the Deez's fuel hold]

    Mariner: You know what this is. I drop it, you burn.

    Doctor: We all burn...

    Deacon: Now-now-now, let's not do anything rash here. I mean, are you sure this kid is worth it? I mean, she never does stop talking, she never shuts up!

    Mariner: I noticed.

    Deacon: So what is it, then? It's the map.

    Mariner: She's my friend.

    Deacon: Golly gee, a single tear rolls down my cheek. You're gonna die for your friend.

    Mariner: If it comes to that.

    [He ignites the flare, and holds it over the hole again]

    Nord: He's bluffing! I'll kill him.

    Enola: He's not bluffing, he never bluffs.

    Deacon: SHUT UP!

    [to the Mariner]

    Deacon: I-I-I-I-I don't think you're gonna drop that torch, my friend.

    Mariner: Why not?

    Deacon: Because you're not crazy.

    [the Mariner smiles, lifts his hand, and drops the flare down the hole]

    Deacon: NO-O-O-O-O!

  • Jack Ryan: What about my daughter?

    Doctor: Let's sit down for a moment.

    Jack Ryan: No, talk to me.

    Doctor: It will be a while before we know. Maybe in the morning.

  • Doctor: Sure, Harry. We can save the leg.

    [takes out some scissors]

    Harry Callahan: What are you going to do with those?

    Doctor: Going to cut your pants off.

    Harry Callahan: No. I'll take them off.

    Doctor: It'll hurt.

    Harry Callahan: $29.50, let it hurt.

  • Doctor: [to the Vaughns on Chris] Folks. He's pretty banged up. Inside and out. Whoever did this, left him for dead. A lesser man wouldn't have survived.

    Sheriff Stan Watkins: I'm gonna need a statement from him, doctor.

    Doctor: Well, he's in no condition to give you one.

    Sheriff Stan Watkins: I'll also need a copy of your write-up, along with toxicology and blood-alcohol level.

    Michelle Vaughn: What are you talking about, Stan?

    Sheriff Stan Watkins: I'm just trying to get some facts here.

    Michelle Vaughn: Oh, come on. You need to be out arresting whoever tried to kill my brother. Not testing his blood.

  • Topper Harley: Can you save him?

    Doctor: Can't be sure. I'm not a very good doctor.

  • [Pushing "Dead Meat" through the hospital to emergency]

    Doctor: Quick, nurse check his penis. See if it's longer than mine.

    Nurse: [Unzips his pants] No, doctor.

  • Psychiatrist: Today is the first day of the rest of your life. You gotta go out and enjoy it. Knock back a couple of beers, hit a titty bar.

    Doctor: Excuse me?

    Psychiatrist: Have some smelly snatch rubbed in your face. You gotta get out there, man.

    Doctor: Yeah, I've gotta do it.

    Psychiatrist: Tackle a fucking whore, get your dick wet. Dip your wick into life a little bit. Have some fun.

    Doctor: Yeah. I'm gonna go out there and floss my teeth with some pubes.

    Psychiatrist: Oh, now you're on it.

    Doctor: I'm done with fear. My life begins today.

    [a stray bullet finds the doctor's head and kills him instantly while the psychiatrist pukes]

  • Black Dynamite: Breathe deeply, baby.

    [places stethoscope on Nurse Jenny's chest]

    Nurse Jenny: Daddy, you make my heart beat.

    Black Dynamite: Yeah, Dr. Dynamite can hear that. But I think you're running a temperature. Let me see if I can find a thermometer for you.

    [unzips pants]

    Doctor: What the-? I told you urine sample, Nurse Jenny.

    [Nurse Jenny runs away]

    Doctor: Black Dynamite, I mean, really?

    Black Dynamite: Hey man, you sent her in here with them titties. What did you expect? How's my x-ray.

    Doctor: Well, no fragments. In and out. You're lucky, Black Dynamite. Three inches to the left and we wouldn't even be having this conversation.

    Black Dynamite: Three inches to the right, and it would've missed my black ass.

    Doctor: Well, you need a new line of work. This is the second time this year.

    Black Dynamite: I know, I know.

    Doctor: Why do I bother? There's no helping you.

    Black Dynamite: No, doc, you help me just fine. See you next time.

  • Doctor: They were both dead before the car stopped. I'm amazed they got as far as they did. Gosh, I've never seen a mess like that. They must have taken about a hundred bullets or so.

    [Connor and Ramirez sit up]

    Conner MacLeod: One hundred and eight.

    Ramirez: One hundred and twelve, myself.

    Conner MacLeod: Aw, come on. You're not counting that little scratch, are you?

    Ramirez: Scratch? What are you talking about? It passed right through me. Just look at my splendid waistcoat.

  • Doctor: Medically, you're a very fit young woman. No evidence of any abnormality in the brain, no tumor, you have a strong heart, your diet is better than average. You are under severe stress, of course, but otherwise doctor Bowen, the psychiatrist you saw, says there's nothing out of the ordinary. Aside from your exceptional extrasensory perception and your preoccupation with Japanese culture. No harm in that!

  • Doctor: Detective Beck. No one deserves to die like that. I don't care what the man's done.

    Cliff Willis: He killed twelve people, wounded twenty three more, stole six cars, most of them Ferraris. Robbed eight banks, six supermarkets, four jewelery stores and a candy shop. Six of the ones he killed he carved up with a butcher knife. Two of them were kids. He did all that in two weeks. If anyone deserves to go that way, it sure in the hell was him.

  • Doctor: Well, in time we'll all get back to our own stuff again. The war will get swallowed up, and seem like it never happened.

    Captain Murrell: Yes, but it won't be the same as it was. We won't have that feeling of permanency that we had before. We've learned a hard truth.

    Doctor: How do you mean?

    Captain Murrell: That there's no end to misery and destruction. You cut the head off a snake, and it grows another one. You cut that one off, and you find another. You can't kill it, because it's something within ourselves. You can call it the enemy if you want to, but it's part of us; we're all men.

  • Doctor: Remember our talk on the bridge - the weighty one, death and destruction? You might be interested to know that I've seen another reason for hope. Found it in a funny place, too... in the middle of an ocean, right in the middle of a war.

    Captain Murrell: You had to come a long way to find it, though, didn't you, Doc?

    Doctor: It was worth the trip.

    Captain Murrell: Maybe.

  • Doctor: Captain Murrell oughtn't to be here at all. He's as weak as a kitten. A man that gets his ship torpedoed and spends 25 days on a raft in the North Atlantic oughtn't to have to hit the ball again with only a few days in the hospital. I guess there aren't enough commanding officers to go around. Well, at least they gave him an easy ship.

    Lt. Bonelli: Huh! Boy, easy's no word for it. Listen, he'd get more rest on this boat...

    Lieutenant Ware: Ship!

    Lt. Bonelli: Ship, boat, what's the difference? He'd still get more rest here than he would if he were in a feather bed. Me, I'd like something to happen once in a while.

    Lieutenant Ware: If the Navy ever gets a load of this salty crew in battle, they'll send us all back to boot camp. I'll look so ridiculous with my head shaved.

  • Doctor: I guess you're finding the Sun kind of hard to take, after the North Atlantic.

    Captain Murrell: Oh, it doesn't matter. It's always either too cold or too hot, wherever there's a war on.

  • Doctor: [voice on the radio] ... and so in a Freudian sense, Jewel, the catcher is the father, and the son is the pitcher.

    Jewel Stern: [voice on the radio] Wow, that's fascinating, Doc. Let me ask you a question. What does that bat and ball represent?

    Doctor: Well, the the bat speaks for itself, of course, and the ball is the ejaculate.

    Jewel Stern: [in a dismissive tone] Well, thanks for calling, Doc. Who do we have on Line Two, Bernie?

  • Edmond Dantes: [referring to the now-insane Danglars] A mental suicide, doctor.

    Doctor: Mental suicide?

    Edmond Dantes: Yes. He destroyed his mind with an overdose of two deadly poisons.

    Doctor: Poisons!

    Edmond Dantes: Avarice and Greed

  • Doctor: [referring to Morlant] What was the idea of bandaging his hand like that?

    Laing: I cannot say. He had many a queer fancy.

  • [last lines]

    Doctor: Who the hell are you?

    Laura Bowman: I'm a doctor, do you need any help?

    Doctor: Are you kiddin', how long can you stay?

    Laura Bowman: As long as it takes.

  • Doctor: These don't look like the teeth marks of a shark to me.

  • Doctor: Whatever it is, I wouldn't want to rub it the wrong way.

  • Doctor: Looks like we won't see each other again.

    Cheung: Only in this life, doctor.

  • Doctor: I've doctored more horses than humans. I've just been waiting to try this stuff out on somebody.

  • Scalper Jack: Do you know who I am?

    Doctor: Yes I know and I wish I didn't.

  • Doctor: [laughs] Right, kick ass. Well, don't want to sound like a dick or nothin', but, ah... it says on your chart that you're fucked up. Ah, you talk like a fag, and your shit's all retarded. What I'd do, is just like... like... you know, like, you know what I mean, like...

  • Doctor: Don't worry, scrote. There are plenty of 'tards out there living really kick-ass lives. My first wife was 'tarded. She's a pilot now.

  • Doctor: Why come you got no tattoo?

  • Doctor: Explain this to me again. I didn't know somebody could shoot themself with their own arrow.

  • Doctor: [suspicious Alexandria is not translating correctly for her mother] Alexandria, did she just ask me a question?

    Alexandria: No, it's just how we talk.

  • Burger-Beard: All right here we go. Now SpongeBob loved his job as a fry cook more then anything. And that is saying a lot. Because he loved everything! He loved his pet snail Gary. He loved his best friend Patrick. He loved blowing bubbles and jellyfishing. He loved making Krabby Patties for the folks in Bikini Bottom just as much as they loved eating them. Why you may ask do they love this greasy meal sandwich so much? Why Did they eat them for breakfast lunch and dinner despite the doctor's warnings?

    Doctor: He'll be gone in a week.

    Woman fish: Oh Harold!

    Burger-Beard: Ah it was a secret. No one was sure what was in those patties that made them so delicious. And frankly no one cared except for Plankton.

    Plankton: Meh.

    Burger-Beard: Plankton owned a restaurant right across the street from the Krusty Krab where no one ate cause the food was really bad!

    Plankton: Now is that really necessary?

    Burger-Beard: Plankton made it his life's work to steal the recipe.

    Plankton: SpongeBob please! Let's talk about this.

    Burger-Beard: But SpongeBob was always there to protect it. But today things would be different.

  • Linus: [Linus gives the Doctor a big kiss] I love you.

    Doctor: I know.

  • Doctor: I've already missed tea, Mr. Albatross. Don't force me to take drastic measures. You must relax.

    Wilbur: Relax? I have never been more relaxed in my life! If I were any more relaxed, I'd be dead!

    Doctor: I'm not convinced. 60 milligrams!

    Nurse Mouse: 60 milligrams!

    [Loads a syringe of tranquilizer onto a shotgun]

    Wilbur: What? Are you guys crazy? You can't do this to me! I'm an American citizen, buddy!

    Doctor: Better double it.

    Wilbur: Double?

    Nurse Mouse: Double, coming up!

    [Loads a second syringe]

    Wilbur: No!

    Doctor: Prepare the patient for medication.

    Wilbur: This can't be happening! I must be dreaming! Come on, Wilbur, wake up! Come on!

    Doctor: Three degrees right!

    Nurse Mouse: Three degrees right!

    Doctor: Down two degrees!

    Wilbur: No! Don't go down two degrees!

    Nurse Mouse: Down two degrees!

    Doctor: Ready...

    Wilbur: No, I'm not ready!

    Doctor: Aim...

    Wilbur: [Whimpers] Please don't do this to me!

    Doctor: Fire!

    [Gunshot]

    Wilbur: AAHH, WHOA! OH, WHOA!

  • Doctor: Forceps!

    Nurse Mouse: Forceps!

    Wilbur: Oh, what now?

    Doctor: Spinal streculator!

    Wilbur: Oh, that's gonna hurt.

    Doctor: Artery router!

    Wilbur: Mother!

    Doctor: This is rusted tight. I wouldn't dream of using such tools. Bring me the epidermal tissue disrupter!

    Wilbur: The epidermal what?

    [the nurses start a chainsaw]

    Wilbur: OH! OH, NO! AAAH!

  • Doctor: [as Wilbur escapes] Mr. Albatross, we haven't operated yet!

    Wilbur: [running away] You've gotta catch me first, doctor!

    Doctor: Mr. Albatross, please!

    Wilbur: Cowabunga!

    Doctor: [chases after him] Mr. Albatross, we must return you to the operating room!

    Wilbur: [escapes to the window] You'll never take me alive!

    Doctor: [he and the other nurse mice try to force him back in] Please, don't do this! Your spine needs tender...

    Wilbur: [getting forced in] Ooh!

    Doctor: ...loving...

    Wilbur: [screams in pain] AGH!

    Doctor: ...care!

    [Wilbur gets forced in]

    Wilbur: [groans until he smiles] M-my back!

    [Wilbur stands up as we see the doctor is now in serious pain]

    Wilbur: [laughs] I can-I-it works! I'm cured!

    Doctor: [in pain] My back!

    [his back cracks]

  • Doctor: Mr. Selwyn?

    Art Selwyn: [about his wife, Bess] That's me, Doctor! How is she?

    Doctor: She's fine, considering her age. And the fact that she's six weeks pregnant.

    Ben Lucket: [Chuckles, and to Art says] Why you smutty ol' devil.

    Doctor: [Shaking Art's hand who's babbling "Pregnant?"] Very impressive, Mr. Selwyn. This one's definitely going in the books.

    [Art is gladly congratulated by his friends]

  • Doctor: Your friend is very weak. Make sure he gets rest and proper nutrition.

    Gin: Doctor! Believe or not, we're homeless.

    Doctor: I'm just a doctor.

    Gin: Rest and nutrition don't fit with our lifestyle, you realize.

    Doctor: I can try to cure disease. Lifestyle is something you have to fix. All anyone can do is their best. Take care.

    [The doctor gets up from his chair, in doing so, Gin notices that the doctor uses a brace on his left foot ]

  • [first lines]

    Narrator: What would you do if you knew you only had one day, or one week, or one month to live?

    Doctor: I'm afraid it's not great news. We've picked up cancerous cells in your blood, your liver, and your lymph nodes. We need to get you into treatment right away.

    Ben Tyler: How bad is it?

    Doctor: It's stage four.

    Ben Tyler: How many stages are there?

    Doctor: Four.

  • Doctor: [Speaking in Spanish, before speaking in English] I Go! We are prepared. I go!

    Bat Kilgallen: Well, he's evidently going.

    Sparks: Oh, you hurt his feelings.

    Geoff Carter: Yeah, why?

    Sparks: He was quoting Shakespeare. From Henry IV, I think. He said, "A man can die but once, we owe God a death; you could pay it today, we don't owe it tomorrow."

    Bat Kilgallen: He's no fool.

  • Doctor: A bit of blood for the love of God.

    [kneels before Lis]

    Doctor: Have mercy on this poor blind man.

    [Fando gestures approval]

    Doctor: How nice of you.

    [prepares syringe]

    Doctor: Here, hold your arm out.

    [draws blood]

    Doctor: [empties syringe into glass and drinks it]

    Blind Man: What about me?

    Doctor: Here you go, my son. Lick it clean!

  • Doctor: [checks Gus' eye] Yeah, it's pretty nasty. It is a pretty nasty wound. Did you hit him?

    Darrell, Kidnapping Husband: Me? Yeah. I would... I would have to admit that I hit him, yes.

    Doctor: Well, I can save his eye but I'm going to have to operate on your son tonight.

    Kidnapping Wife: He's not our...

    Darrell, Kidnapping Husband: [laughs for stop his wife] Tonight? You have to operate tonight?

    Doctor: Yes. Otherwise he's lose his sight. It's plain and simple.

    Darrell, Kidnapping Husband: Aga... A-a... OK. Yeah... I guess he'll have to lose his sight.

    Doctor: What? I didn't heard that...

    Darrell, Kidnapping Husband: I said, I guess it's our decision, right?

    Doctor: [nods] Of course

    Darrell, Kidnapping Husband: You see, loss build character. Am I right, hon?

    Kidnapping Wife: Whatever you say, Darrel.

    Darrell, Kidnapping Husband: That's how I learned. He'll adjust.

    Doctor: [goes to door]

    Kidnapping Wife: Doctor? We forgot to ask you about... patches.

  • Doctor: [referring to John] He's a picture of health. A rather discoloured picture.

  • Doctor: There, there is the tree that no one dare cut down. The people believe that it harbors the spirit of the witch that persecutes them. You'll have to destroy it if you want to free our village from her curse and save that poor girl who's condemned to die at the stake in a few days.

  • Doctor: The court won't change its verdict. The fear of the unknown is still too great for them to inquire further. And so she must die on suspicion.

  • Doctor: Before you make your report, think of the poor women. They'll be tried for witchcraft and then burned.

    Burgomeister: Would you rather have this continue? Every day now, a new case occurs - each time more serious. Before it's too late, we must tear this evil out by the roots.

    Doctor: But do you really believe in the existence of the devil and witchcraft?

    Burgomeister: The women are going mad. That's my explanation. They're mad and the evil which you insist on fighting, with such obstinacy, is more than supernatural. It's devilish!

  • [last lines]

    Burgomeister: We thank you. You alone have accomplished a miracle and have freed the people of this village from a terrible curse. And peace has returned to us. Stay with us.

    Maciste: It's impossible as my destiny leads me to help other people. People who are suffering from oppression and cruelty all over the troubled world.

    Charley Law: Thank you.

    Martha Gaunt: Thank you.

    Doctor: Goodbye, Maciste.

  • Seita: She's been having diarrhea for a while now, and prickly heat and rashes all over. And salt water seems to be hurting her skin.

    Doctor: [writing] Weakening from malnutrition. Due to the diarrhea. Next patient.

    Seita: Can you give her medicine or a shot? Please, doctor, help her.

    Doctor: Give her medicine? All this child needs is some food.

    Seita: She needs food... WHERE AM I SUPPOSED TO GET FOOD?

  • Alvin: I'm not going anywhere without Da-...

    [singing]

    Alvin: ... -aydream believer and a homecoming queen.

    Doctor: I hope for your sake he stays asleep for the entire flight.

    Simon: Maybe we should give him another shot just to be sure.

  • Doctor: [while in a van chasing Organ Donor Stu] Wait! We're doctors! We don't want to hurt you, we just want some organs!

  • Organ Donor Stu: What is wrong with my neck?

    Doctor: You broke it, you're an organ donor!

  • Doctor: [racing towards the Ambulance with other doctors carrying the loaner body and Stu's body] Excuse me! That's our corpse. We've been chasing him all over town.

    Ambulance Driver: [sitting in the driver seat] Help yourself pal.

    Doctor: [pulling the cover off the loaner body] All right smart-ass you prepare to co-operate now?

    [Stu sits up, scaring the doctors]

  • Gen: Hey, somebody should look at this soldier, he's hurt real bad I think.

    Doctor: [sighs] Another one. Young man, do you know if he was vomiting blood or complaining that he was cold?

    Gen: Right!

    [relieved]

    Gen: Ah, then I guess that means you know what's wrong then.

    Doctor: No use looking at this one, this soldier's dead. God help us, is it possible that one bomb could've created all this devastation?

  • Doctor: Slow down boys, slow down, I'll die of a heart attack before we get there.

    Gen Nakaoka: You should've thought of that before you got so fat.

    Shinji Nakaoka: Our mother's sick, and if you don't make her better, you'll be sorry.

  • Jairus: [despondent] No cure?

    Doctor: There is medicine that um...

    [hands over glass vial]

    Doctor: why should I deceive you?

    Jairus: [takes medicine] What will this do?

    Doctor: It will ease the pain.

  • Doctor: It's called motor neuron disease. It's a progressive neurological disorder that destroys the cells in the brain that control essential muscle activity, such as speaking, walking, breathing, swallowing. The signals that muscles must receive in order to move are disrupted. The result is gradual muscle decay. Wasting away. Eventually, the ability to control voluntary movement is lost. Entirely. I'm afraid average life expectancy is two years. There's nothing I can do for you.

    Stephen Hawking: What about the brain?

    Doctor: The brain isn't affected. Your thoughts won't change, it's... just that... Well, eventually, no one will know what they are.

  • Doctor: [after detailing Hughes's terrible injuries in the plane crash] He's getting blood transfusions now, but, uh...

    Noah Dietrich: Whose blood?

    Doctor: I'm sorry?

    Noah Dietrich: Whose blood?

    Doctor: From our stock.

    Noah Dietrich: Oh, he's not gonna like that.

    Doctor: Mr. Dietrich... I doubt he's ever gonna like or dislike anything again. I'm terribly sorry.

  • [In the hospital after the accident]

    Cristina Kahlo: Will she ever walk again?

    Doctor: Let's make sure she lives first.

  • Doctor: We want to make one thing very clear to you, Ron. The possibility of your ever walking again is minimal... almost impossible. You're a T6 - paralyzed from the mid-chest down. Probably... you'll be in a wheelchair for the rest of your life. (pause) Do you understand what I'm saying?

    Ron Kovic: Well, doctor...

    Doctor: Hmm?

    Ron Kovic: Doctor, will I ever be able to - to have children?

    Doctor: No.

    [pause]

    Doctor: No, but we have a good psychologist. He's helped a lot of people.

    Ron Kovic: I'll walk again.

    Doctor: No you won't...

    Ron Kovic: No, I know I'll walk again!

    Doctor: No, let me tell you something, Ron. You will NEVER walk again.

  • Doctor: Other than the possibility of a slight concussion, your daughter has no broken bones, complete movement of all her limbs. There's no internal bleeding, no indication of bruising. In fact, after hitting the ground skull first with dirt packed to the top of her head, she regained consciousness, woke up with a smile on her face. Oh, my God. Quite frankly, I've been a doctor for 25 years. Never seen anything like it.

  • Doctor: [Briefly examining Dega in a prefunctory manner] You're fine. NEXT!

    Dega: [Walking away] Must be better than I feel.

    Doctor: [Briefly examining Papillon] You're in wonderful shape.

    Papillon: How do you fail an examination like this?

    Doctor: NEXT!

  • Doctor: I can't wear my helmet and use a stethoscope.

    Patton: Well, then cut two holes in your helmet and see that you can.

  • [first lines]

    Doctor: No point in me staying here any longer. Keep her warm. If she recovers consciousness, give her a little brandy.

    Innkeeper: And if she doesn't, doctor?

    Doctor: Send for the priest.

    Innkeeper: Oh God.

    Doctor: Nothing more I can do.

  • Doctor: [Last lines] She's beyond help, Mrs. Bello.

    Arthur Landau: She was only 26.

    Doctor: Pneumonia is somethig we haven't conquered.

    Arthur Landau: She dudn't die of pneumonia. She died of life. She gave it all to everyone else, and there wasn't enough left for her.

  • William F. 'Buffalo Bill' Cody: What killed my son?

    Doctor: Diptheria.

    William F. 'Buffalo Bill' Cody: What's that?

    Doctor: A germ.

    William F. 'Buffalo Bill' Cody: Where does it come from?

    Doctor: Water systems... and sewage. It's a crowd disease. A disease of civilization.

  • Doctor: What can be more important than health?

    Sevgi Yüce: [says nothing]

  • Doctor: Well, You're a little banged up but no serious injury's. Just keep off your feet for a few days.

    Happy Gilmore: [after been hit by a Volkswagen driven by Donald] To hell with that. I gotta finish up.

    Doctor: Fine. Do whatever you like. What would I know? I'm just a Doctor.

  • [Melissa is pretending to be Ace's sister to check him into a mental hospital]

    Doctor: Has he always had a history of mental illness?

    Melissa: [truthfully] For as long as I've known him.

  • Doctor: [about Miss Cuthbert] In the forty-three years I've been practicing medicine, I never saw a woman throw up that much!

    Jimmy Dugan: I think it's how she entertains herself, Doc.

  • Fred Ballinger: So I've grown old without understanding how I got here.

    Doctor: Do you know what awaits you outside of here?

    Fred Ballinger: No. What?

    Doctor: Youth.

  • Doctor: [Aladeen rewrote the language so his name means both "positive" and "negative"] Do you want the Aladeen news or the Aladeen news?

    Patient: The Aladeen news?

    Doctor: You're HIV-Aladeen.

  • Doctor: Mr. Belrose?

    Tick: Yes?

    Doctor: Congratulations. It's a boy.

  • Doctor: Reverend Larson? Your son is here.

    Reverend Larson: Ok, sure. Send her in.

  • Doctor: Your testicles have grown to the size of Florida oranges.

    Maxxx Orbison: Don't you think I notice THAT? Tell me something I don't know, you cocky PRICK!

    Doctor: I am going to have to amputate your pee pee.

  • Nick Naylor: [Waking up from unconsciousness] What happened?

    Doctor: No non-smoker could've ever withstood the amount of nicotine you had in your bloodstream, I hate to say it but cigarettes saved your life

    Nick Naylor: Can I quote you on that doc?

    Doctor: Before we get side tracked there is one thing

    Nick Naylor: Alright don't get all dramatic on me

    Doctor: You can't smoke

    Nick Naylor: That's no problem, I've done it before, and I did during the pregnancy, how long do you think?

    Doctor: I don't think you understand it's a miracle you came out of this alive, any smoking, one cigarette can put you right back into a paralytic state, your body just can't handle it

  • Val: Are you a real doctor?

    Doctor: Are you a real patient? Is that a real penis?

  • Doctor: This is going to be extremely painful, Mr. Verrill!

  • Doctor: Steve, I want you to tell me exactly what you think of Billy.

    Lally 1: I hate him. He stinks, he's a pest. My parents give him everything he wants because they think he's so goddamn cute. He and his security pillow. He's the favorite all the time. If I touch him just once, wham! I get it. I wish he was dead. I'd cut him up, dig a hole, put the pieces in, let the worms eat him up and I'd never have to see him again. Then I'd stop banging my head against the wall!

    Doctor: That makes sense.

  • Doctor: Ooh, that's gotta hurt!

  • Doctor: You did not save the day!

  • Doctor: Chips and ice cream, Marion. Someone told me once, when there's nothing you can do, chips and ice cream. Go home and have as much as you want.

  • Doctor: Come on out, you little bastard.

  • Doctor: What are you doing?

    Mr. Edward Magorium: I'm practicing the euphonium.

    Doctor: The what?

    Mr. Edward Magorium: I'm thinking of giving a concert in the psyche ward tomorrow.

  • [In the hospital following Sajid's circumcision]

    George Khan: Tickle-Tackle all gone?

    Doctor: [Puzzled] Circumcision was absolutely fine.

    George Khan: You Indian?

    Ella Khan: [whispering] George.

    George Khan: [to Ella] Bastard Indian.

  • Doctor: Do you smoke?

    Dex: I have the occasional pack a day.

  • Brenda Landers: [very upset] What kind of hospital is this?

    Doctor: Alright, Mr. and Mrs. Lamaze! You see, due to a slight clerical error your son has been temporarily misplaced.

    Brenda Landers: You lost our son?

    Doctor: Did I say lost? I said misplaced.

    Harry Landers: I'm suing you for malpractice, negligence, you name it!

    Doctor: Oh great! Just jump all over me, why don't you! Just jump all over me! What about the 9 kids I didn't lose this week?

  • [Liz has just taken an overdose of pills at Michael's apartment for the third time]

    Doctor: Mademoiselle, the boys at the Emergency Suicide ward have voted to give you this gold watch for unusual devotion.

  • Doctor: [Liz Bien, the stripper, has just made her second suicide attempt while in Michael's company. The same ER doctor has responded] You wouldn't happen to be the young lady's fiancee, would you?

    Michael James: No, just a friend.

    Doctor: Pretty rough friendship you've got there.

  • Jake: Is it possible that the girl could have a penis?

    Doctor: It's happened before.

  • Eddie Davers: Hey, doc! How's he doing?

    Doctor: Fine, fine. How are you doing?

    Eddie Davers: Fine, fine. You?

    Doctor: Fine.

    Eddie Davers: Fine.

  • Doctor: Describe your thoughts. Get them out in the open. You'll feel much better.

    Dreyfus: All right. See, it's always the same. Clouseau is sitting there, in a chair, just like you, with his back to me. Then suddenly, my hands go round his throat, and I begin to squeeze. It's wonderful. It's marvelous. I'm squeezing. And the more I squeeze, the freer I feel. I'm in ecstasy. And then suddenly, suddenly my problem is solv-ved.

    [while Dreyfus has been talking, he has been unintentionally strangling the doctor. He suddenly becomes aware of this as the doctor falls to the floor]

    Dreyfus: Doctor! DOCTOR!

  • Doctor: [referring to Clousseau] How much do you hate him?

    Dreyfus: How high is up? I hate every little molecule in his body!

  • Coach Gennero: Well, is it fatal?

    Doctor: Indigestion? Only in Mexico.

  • Gen. Lecoq: Now men, because you are all getting a three-day furlough before going into battle, we would like to show you this little hygiene play.

    [the actors step forward and the play begins]

    Woman hygiene class: Goodbye. I hope you had a good time.

    Soldier: I did. I had a good time. Oh, what's this sore on my lip? I better see the doctor.

    [He steps to his right and another actor stands up]

    Soldier: Doc, I have this sore on my lip.

    Doctor: You have a social disease my friend.

    Soldier: Oh my God!

    Doctor: If you do not treat it, you will go blind... Or insane!

    [Applause]

    Gen. Lecoq: Well men, that is the end of the play. Have a good time on your furlough and take care of yourselves.

    Soldier: Well, what did you think of the play?

    Boris: Oh, it was weak. I was never interested. Although the part of the doctor was played with gusto and verve and the girl had a delightful cameo role. A puckish satire of contemporary mores. A droll spoof aimed more at the heart than the head.

    Soldier: As for me I'm planning to spend the next three days in a brothel. Care to come with me?

    Boris: No, I went to a brothel once in my life. I got hiccups you know, it was over like that.

  • Sergeant: And now we're going to see a little hygiene play.

    Woman hygiene class: Goodbye. I hope you had a good time!

    Soldier: Oh yes, I had a good time. Oh, what's this sore on my lip. I'd better get that checked. Doctor, I have this sore on my lip.

    Doctor: You have a social disease! If you don't treat it you'll go blind! Or insane!

    [Thunderous applause]

    Sergeant: Have a good furlough everyone, and look after yourselves!

  • [Boris is bothered by thoughts of suicide]

    Boris: Something's missing.

    Doctor: What?

    Boris: I don't know, I feel a void at the center of my being.

    Doctor: What kind of void?

    Boris: Well... an empty void.

    Doctor: An empty void?

    Boris: Yes. I felt a full void about a month ago but it was just something I ate.

  • Doctor: We pumped your mother's stomach.

    Alice Collins: Yeah, it was an accident.

    Lucy Collins: How did she accidentally chug half a bottle of sleeping pills.

    Alice Collins: [to the doctor] She was cleaning them up.

    Lucy Collins: With her mouth?

  • Lucy Collins: [Asking Doctor about suicidal mother] When can we take her home?

    Doctor: Well just overnight then tomorrow I'll sign her out and you can take her home.

    Alice Collins: Well, I think could you keep her. For another day just to be safe.

    Lucy Collins: [to Alice] Oh. My. God.

    Alice Collins: Bite me.

  • Doctor: Pardon me Mr.Katona? Precisely what position do you hold with Matuschek and Company?

    Pepi Katona: Well, I would describe myself as a contact man. I keep contact between Matuschek and the customers... on a bicycle.

    Doctor: Do you mean, an errand boy?

    Pepi Katona: Doctor, do I call you a pill-peddler?

  • Pepi Katona: [leaving Mr.Matuschek's room in hospital] Well Doctor, I would say it's a nervous breakdown. What do you think?

    Doctor: It appears to be an acute epileptoid manifestation and a pan phobic melancholiac with indication of a neurasthenia cordus.

    Pepi Katona: Is that more expensive than a nervous breakdown?

  • Doctor: [after the baby's birth] Stan, would you like to cut the cord?

    Stan: Isn't there someone a little more qualified?

  • Doctor: Don't kiss him too hard, his lips might fall off.

  • Countess Chandra: We have a problem, Julie's in hospital. The man Chief Fagilla says shot her with the tranquilizer dart has escaped. Chief Fagilla says the man was impersonating Sergent Sleigh. Doesn't make sense, Julie knew what Sleigh looked like.

    Doctor: Sometimes it is possible to look like one person but actually be another.

    [Finishes removing bandages]

    Doctor: Ta-da!

    Countess Chandra: My God! It's fantastic. Oh darling.

    [Kisses figure in chair]

    Doctor: Don't kiss him too hard, his lips might fall off.

    Countess Chandra: [Breaks from kiss] What?

    Doctor: Just a little surgical humor.

  • Doctor: The explosion severely traumatized your left eardrum, but if you are careful and avoid all loud noises, partial hearing should be restored in a few days.

    Chief Insp. Charles LaRousse Dreyfus: What about the ringing?

    Doctor: I'm afraid that might take longer.

    Chief Insp. Charles LaRousse Dreyfus: It's very loud, I keep wanting to answer the telephone.

    Doctor: Just take the medicine I prescribe, and plenty of rest.

    Chief Insp. Charles LaRousse Dreyfus: All right, thank you Doctor.

    Chief Insp. Charles LaRousse Dreyfus: [after the doctor has left, and Francois is wheeling Dreyfus down the corridor of the hospital] What if I can't distinguish the difference between the ringing in my ear and the phone?

    Sergeant Francois Duval: That could be a problem.

    Chief Insp. Charles LaRousse Dreyfus: What?

    Sergeant Francois Duval: It may not last much longer.

    Chief Insp. Charles LaRousse Dreyfus: I couldn't stand it if it did. Where is Sleigh?.

    Sergeant Francois Duval: On his way to Valencia

    Chief Insp. Charles LaRousse Dreyfus: Valencia?

    Sergeant Francois Duval: A tip from Sir Charles.

    Chief Insp. Charles LaRousse Dreyfus: [Phone on wall starts ringing] There! It's getting worse.

  • Doctor: I'm anxious to find out where insanity ends and evil begins.

  • Dr. Wilmerding: What's the matter with Mrs. Upjohn?

    Doctor: Nothing, in its most violent form.

  • Secretary: Doctor, may I have an OK on this, please?

    Dr. Hackenbush: I'm too busy right now. I"ll tell you what, I'll put the O on now and come back later for the K.

    Doctor: Doctor Hackenbush.

    Dr. Hackenbush: A little later.

    [to his nurse]

    Dr. Hackenbush: Eh, get me the Turkish bath.

    Nurse: Yes sir.

  • Doctor: Relax. Calm down. Okay?

    Jack Meyerwitz: Relax? You know what, we'll drain your penis and we'll see how calm you'll be.

  • Agent 22: [referring to Jonathan Levinson Seigle] We have to ask him some questions.

    Doctor: He can't talk.

    Maxwell Smart: Can he type?

  • Doctor: Forceps. Pliers. Bone nibblers.

    Steve Meyers: Bone nibblers? What the hell are bone nibblers?

    Doctor: You're a very lucky man.

    Steve Meyers: Oh yes, it's been a brilliant day all round. Why don't you have a look at my prostate while you've got the bone nibblers handy.

  • Doctor: Well, you need to tell that idiot who shot you that he better take some shooting lessons!

    Earl: Now, don't be TOO disappointed, Doc.

  • Doctor: Now you be careful, Earl, or else my grandson might just steal that pretty gal of yours away from you.

    Jimbo: Gramps, I ain't gonna steal Earl's gal, I'm gay.

  • Doctor: That Flossie's one hell of a girl, don't you think?

    Jimbo: Gramps... I'm GAY.

    Doctor: I hear ya.

    Jimbo: Oh, just forget it.

  • Doctor: [Esther is in labor] Alright, Esther, I'm gonna need you to push.

    Esther P. Mendez: [Notices the doctor has a cigar in his mouth] I-Is that a cigar?

    Doctor: I just have this for stress, it's not lit.

    Carmen: How can you be smoking a cigar when you're supposed to be delivering a baby?

    Nurse: This is the kind of stress he's talking about, ma'am.

    Carmen: Have you been drinking?

    Doctor: If you want a sober white doctor in this town, it's gonna cost you a fortune.

    Nurse: Ain't that the truth.

    Doctor: [Sees the baby starting to come out] Oh, man, this is gonna be a big baby. I just hope I can pull him out before he pulls me in.

  • Doctor: Mrs. Popchik, as you know, the eye is the second most sensitive organ on the human body. Your young daughter's eye muscles are extremely weak. They can barely hold up what she sees. If any part of the human body has a tendency to break down, I'm afraid the eyes have it.

  • Doctor: Spats, it may not show up on the x-ray, but your heart is pure silk too.

  • Doctor: [talking to Harbour about his health] I asked our senior psychologist to pop in just so he's kept in the picture.

    Harbour: In the picture?

    Doctor: As to the best way to tell you about this.

    Harbour: Oh. I know Horst well. My brother wants to kill himself.

  • Doctor: He was always interested in gynecology.

    Toraya: You're telling me!

  • Christopher White: How is she?

    Doctor: With a good night's sleep she'll be back to normal.

    Christopher White: She will never be normal.

  • Montague Hartley: How is she, doctor?

    Doctor: You'll be pleased, I'm sure, to know that Mrs. Winslow is still violating all the laws of science. She should be dead. But she's very much alive.

  • Rocco Melonchek: We'll have to perform a full rectum-ology.

    Roland T. Flakfizer: Fondue, an epidemic! drop those pants... Not you, the patient.

    Doctor: I thought you were cardiologists...

    Rocco Melonchek: Uh, well, they're all connected, we enter the rectum and head north.

    Roland T. Flakfizer: Why do you think we have such long instruments?

  • Drunk Passenger: Love, hey?

    Doctor: How did you know?

    Drunk Passenger: That's why I drink. To forget her.

    Doctor: Forget who?

    Drunk Passenger: Blessed if I can remember.

  • Doctor: You're overwrought!

    Glad: I'm underprivileged!

  • Doctor: Every time I look at you I hear music.

    Flo Castle: Every time I look at you I think of music.

    Doctor: You do?

    Flo Castle: Colonel Bogey. Excuse me.

    [Exits]

  • Haines: [Haines, having come to sick bay for a sea-sickness cure, refuses to have an injection in his arm] I can't bear to see the needle going in, you see.

    Doctor: Well, in that case there's only one other place for it to go. Drop 'em!

    Haines: I'm not holding them, whatever they are!

    Marjoribanks: I gather the Doctor means your trousers.

    Haines: Oh. What!

  • Doctor: [With a very bad Spanish accent] Ole, señor!

    Marjoribanks: Oh, hello Binn.

    Doctor: No, señor. I am the famous Torero from Madrid.

    Marjoribanks: You look exactly like our medical officer, Dr Binn.

    Doctor: No, Señor. This afternoon I fight 15 bulls.

    Marjoribanks: That's an awful lot of bull.

    Doctor: Well, my father he breeds the famous fighting bulls, you know. Every year, 50,000 bulls he sends off by ship to South America.

    Marjoribanks: 50,000 bulls?

    Doctor: Si, si. Also every year, 20,000 more he ships off to France.

    Marjoribanks: That's 70,000 bulls.

    Doctor: Si, si. One of the biggest bullshippers in the business.

  • Doctor: Wheelchair racing, anesthetic in the cocktails at our office party, and now throwing syringes! I don't even want to think... These blasted budget cuts! The doctors are either wet behind their ears or closer to death than next Thursday! Fuck this...

  • Nikhil Arora: Before the babies are born, say you'll marry me

    Doctor: Babies? Double role!

  • Doctor: Miss Dillon, I'm sorry about our little disagreement on the phone. And I'm really sorry about your son. Well, it's hard to believe that such a strapping young man is your son.

    Lilly Dillon: Never mind that, just take care of him.

    Doctor: He's had, he's had an internal hemorrhage. He's bleeding to death.

    Lilly Dillon: Well, make it stop!

    Doctor: His blood pressure's under a hundred. I don't think he's going to make it to the hospital.

    Lilly Dillon: You know who I work for.

    Doctor: There's just so much I can do.

    Lilly Dillon: My son is going to be all right. If not, I'll have you killed.

  • Tommy Forbes: Dad was a boxer in college!

    Doctor: I think he was wise to go into insurance.

    Doctor: [handing a prescription to Sue Forbes] Take this up to the drug store.

    Sue Forbes: What is it?

    Doctor: A course in boxing.

  • Doctor: I'm sorry, was Mr. Troy a friend of yours?

    Sgt. Joe Friday: No sir, we hardly knew him.

  • Doctor: You wanna see pain? Swing by First Methodist Tuesday nights. See the guys with testicular cancer. That's pain.

  • Capitán Vidal: You could have obeyed me!

    Doctor: But captain, to obey - just like that - for obedience's sake... without questioning... That's something only people like you do.

  • Doctor: Just one more thing, Captain. What makes you so sure the baby is a male?

    Capitán Vidal: [smirks] Don't fuck with me.

  • Doctor: Let's see how that leg is doing, Frenchie.

    Francés: How do you think it's doing? It's fucked up.

  • [the bohemians are rehearsing a play that resembles a certain musical that begins with a nun singing atop a hill]

    Toulouse-Lautrec: [singing] The hills are made with the euphonious symphonies of descant...

    Doctor: I don't think a nun would say that about a hill.

  • Doctor: Whatever resentment she's feeling, she probably got it out of her system.

    Dan Gallagher: What if she didn't get it out of her system? What then?

  • Doctor: What are you doing here, honey? You're not even old enough to know how bad life gets.

    Cecilia: Obviously, Doctor, you've never been a 13-year-old girl.

  • Doctor: Tell me what these remind you of

    [holds up an ink blot card]

    Cecilia: A banana.

    [the doctor holds up another ink blot card]

    Cecilia: A swamp.

    [the doctor holds up another ink blot card]

    Cecilia: An afro.

  • Doctor: Ray, can we try something?

    Raymond: Yeah.

    Doctor: Do you know how much 312 x 123 is?

    Raymond: [saying digit after digit] 3-8-3-7-6.

    Doctor: [amazed] He's right.

    Charlie: What?

    Doctor: He's right!

    Charlie: He's right?

    Doctor: Yeah.

    [the calculator shows 38376]

    Doctor: Ray... How much is 4343 x 1234?

    Raymond: [saying digit after digit] 5-3-5-9-2-6-2

    Charlie: He's a genius...

    Doctor: Right.

    Charlie: He's a genius!

    Doctor: Ray! Do you know how much a square root of 2130 is?

    Raymond: 4-6 point 1-5-1-9-2-3-0-4.

    [the calculator shows 46.15192304]

    Raymond: 2-3-0-4.

    Charlie: That's amazing! He is amazing! He should work for NASA or something like that.

    Doctor: [walking to Raymond] If you had a dollar... and you spent 50 cents, how much money would you have left?

    Raymond: About 70...

    Doctor: 70 cents?

    Raymond: 70 cents.

  • Doctor: Ray, do you want to stay and live with Charlie?

    Raymond: Yeah.

    Doctor: Or do you want to go back to Walbrook?

    Raymond: Yeah.

    Doctor: Which is it? Go back to Walbrook or stay with Charlie Babbitt?

    Raymond: Go back to Walbrook, stay with Charlie Babbitt.

  • Doctor: Raymond, do you know what autistic is?

    Raymond: Yeah.

    Doctor: You know that word?

    Raymond: Yeah.

    Doctor: Are you autistic?

    Raymond: I don't think so. No. Definitely not.

  • Doctor: Ray, do you know how much a candy bar costs?

    Raymond: 'Bout a hundred dollars.

    Doctor: Do you know how much one of those new compact cars costs?

    Raymond: 'Bout a hundred dollars.

  • Charlie: That's amazing. He should work for NASA or something like that.

    Doctor: Ray, if you had a dollar and you spent fifty cents, how much would you have left over?

    Raymond: About seventy.

    Doctor: Seventy cents?

    Raymond: Seventy cents.

    Charlie: So much for the NASA idea.

    Raymond: [to Charlie] K-Mart, we should go to K-Mart. 400 Oak Street.

    Charlie: What did I tell you? After this!

  • Doctor: You're not dying. Although, in a way, from the moment of birth, we all begin to die. Call it divinely planned obsolence. Soon or late, beggar or king, death is the end of all things. While life might be seen as a virus infecting the perfect organism of death.

  • Doctor: Mr. Bowman, I wouldn't normally release someone with this type of infection. I need you to follow the rules here. Quarantine is eight weeks in. She's probably going to show more signs of aggression band hunger. When that happens, say your goodbyes and get her straight into quarantine.

  • [last lines]

    Arthur Biehl: [on telephone] Operator? Get Dr. Paul up to suite 313 right away.

    Doctor: Looks like he hasn't eaten in a week. You better send for an ambulance.

    Hotel Manager: I'll call one right now.

    Arthur Biehl: What a shame. If I'd only known.

    Hotel Manager: [on telephone] Operator? Get an ambulance. Right away.

    Arthur Biehl: He is going to make it, isn't he?

    Doctor: I don't know.

    Hotel Manager: They're on their way. How is he?

    Doctor: We're going to need some oxygen.

    Arthur Biehl: Oh...

    Hotel Manager: We've got some downstairs. I'll get it right now.

    Arthur Biehl: Keep him warm with this blanket. Such a fine man. What a shame. I wonder what happened.

    Doctor: We've gotta keep him going until they get here.

    Arthur Biehl: [on telephone, distant] Gladys, this is Arthur again, in Mr. Collier's suite. We've got to

    [fades out]

  • Doctor: Sometimes choosing life is just choosing a more painful form of death.

  • Doctor: How'd she break her coccyx?

    Anney Boatwright: Her what?

    Doctor: Her tailbone, lady! Her ass! What you been hitting' this child with, or maybe you just been throwin' her up against the damn wall!

    Anney Boatwright: What are you sayin'? What are you sayin'?

    Doctor: [to Bone] Do you wanna talk about it, honey? How 'bout we ask your mama to leave, and then, maybe you can tell me what happened, okay?

    Anney Boatwright: Let me have my girl!

    Doctor: This child's been beaten! This child's been beaten, and I'm gonna call the authorities!

  • Doctor: In Vermont? I don't think so, Will.

    Will Randall: You weren't there, Ralph.

    Doctor: Are you sure it wasn't a Husky or a German Shepherd? And after all, it was night, wasn't it? It was dark out.

    Will Randall: Full moon. And to answer your question, it was a wolf. It was staring straight at me, you don't confuse a dog with a wolf.

    Doctor: I see, whatever you say. You know, it's funny, this isn't the first Rabies shot I have given in the last few months. My wife's sister-in-law up in Onianca, a raccoon chased her up onto her porch and bit her in the ass. And last summer, the son of a friend of mine sustained brain damage from a snake bite. This kid was sitting in front of his pool and the next thing you know, he has brain damage.

    Will Randall: Is he all right?

    Doctor: Who?

    Will Randall: Your friend's son?

    Doctor: No, you idiot. He has brain damage.

  • First Blind Man: He stole my car.

    Doctor: It doesn't matter, what are you gonna do with a car, you can't drive anyway?

    Thief: [referring to thief] He stole my sight!

  • Doctor: You of all people... born blind should understand empathy... and human decency.

    King of Ward 3: Shut up. Shut up. He's blind. That's all. That doesn't make him good or bad! That just makes him blind. And now, he's blind with a purpose. Because he's looking out for the sick and the hungry of his own ward.

  • Doctor: [joking] Those who agreed, please raise your hand.

  • [from trailer]

    Doctor: I can't see. I think I have the white virus.

  • Doctor: What would you do if you only had six months left to live?

  • [first lines]

    Det. Hollis Lucetti: Yeah, I'm not really sure I even want to do this. But this couple down at the precinct, they've been at me for this for a year now, and I've known them for 15 years, I mean, John and Jane Connelly, they're real good people, but you know, they can't have kids, so he goes, you know, "If I had a child I'd want to be like Hollis", aw shoot, I don't even know why...

    Doctor: Mr. Lucetti. Mr. Lucetti.

    Det. Hollis Lucetti: I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm just so nervous. This ain't my normal routine. You know, in a jar before breakfast.

    Doctor: Hollis.

    Det. Hollis Lucetti: Yes, doc.

    Doctor: This woman is not going to be having your baby.

    Det. Hollis Lucetti: ...Why?

    Doctor: You have a birth defect.

  • Doctor: You got a blind side, Doug. It's a permanent condition.

    Doug Dorsey: So there's an operation, right?

    Doctor: I'm afraid not.

    Doug Dorsey: Some micro-laser thing. You open me up and...

    Doctor: Doug, I've specialized in ophthalmic surgery for over 15 years.

    Doug Dorsey: Okay, you don't do it, but somebody, somewhere, down in Mexico City, they shoot shark piss up your nose, you sit in traction for eight months.

    Doctor: Doug... I'm sorry. I don't see professional hockey in your future.

  • [first lines]

    [Fenix crouches naked atop a tree trunk in his barren asylum room]

    Doctor: [enters along with orderlies pushing a food cart] Fenix. Please...

    [offers him a normal meal]

    Doctor: Eat like a human being.

    [pause]

    Doctor: [puts the tray back down and offers him a raw fish]

    Fenix: [howls]

    [jumps down and grabs the fish]

    Fenix: Grr!

    [sits and begins eating it]

    Doctor: You can't just stay here all the time, not seeing anyone.

    [pause]

    Doctor: Now come on, stand up.

  • Max Millan: What's wrong with him?

    Doctor: Your friend has serious trouble.

    Max Millan: Yeah, well, what...

    Doctor: He's catatonic.

    Max Millan: How'd he catch that?

    Doctor: Well, it's nothing you "catch"...

  • Doctor: Her... orifices will heal slowly. It will take some time. I am ashamed to belong to the human race. God will not forgive us. Not even the children.

  • Doctor: I'm afraid that your eggs are incompatible with life. Your sterility factor is rated at 97%. We consider that total sterility.

    Diego: What about the 3%.

    Doctor: Miracles. Miracles do happen. This is Italy after all.

  • Calvero: I believe I'm dying, doctor. I should know. I've died so many times.

    Doctor: Are you in pain?

    Calvero: No more... no more...

  • Doctor: [Champ has just died] I'm sorry.

    T.J.: [Georgie and Jackie start to cry, TJ is shocked] No! Champ! No! Champ. Is he out? Is he out? What's the matter, Champ? Champ, wake up! Wake up! Wake - wake up!

    [kisses his head]

    T.J.: Champ, wake up, Champ! Hey, don't sleep now. We got to go home. Got to go home, Champ.

    [Georgie collapses into sobs]

    T.J.: Georgie. Don't cry. Georgie.

    [TJ goes to the doctor]

    T.J.: Mister, help me. Wake him up! Wake him!

    Doctor: We're all real sorry.

    T.J.: Please, wake him up!

    Doctor: Let's go outside.

    T.J.: No, no! I don't want to! I don't want to!

    [runs to Jackie]

    T.J.: Jackie! Wake him up! Wake him!

    Jackie: TJ, please.

    T.J.: I want Champ!

    Jackie: TJ...

    T.J.: I want Champ!

    Jackie: TJ. Please, TJ, listen to me. He's gone. He's gone, son. He's gone.

    T.J.: [shakes his head and backs away from Jackie] No. No! He's not gone! He's not! He's not!

    Jackie: [Annie comes in, a smile on her face until she sees Champ and Jackie trying to calm TJ] Please.

    T.J.: He is not dead! He is not dead! I want Champ!

    Jackie: Please, listen to me, son.

    T.J.: I want Champ!

    Jackie: TJ, please, listen to me!

    T.J.: I want Champ! Champ! He is not gone!

    Jackie: [he and the doctor try to drag TJ away from Champ] Come on, son. Come on. TJ.

    Annie: TJ.

    [TJ walks towards her and hugs her, holding on tightly as he sobs]

  • Doctor: You've been blind all your life.

    Martin: I know.

    Doctor: What were you doing driving a car?

    Martin: I forgot.

  • Doctor: It was smart of you to tell him you were pregnant.

    Debbie: Yeah, most men run when they hear that.

  • Maria Braun: I'm working in a bar - selling beer, not myself.

    Doctor: Even if I've learned to stop believing people here, I still believe you. I know you can take care of yourself. And there's always penicillin.

  • Doctor: I'm afraid we're going to have to keep you here for a while, Mr. Dillert.

    Bama Dillert: Now, what is this? A hospital or a jail?

    Doctor: It's not a question of legality. It's a question of professional responsibility. You're a sick man, Mr. Dillert. Oh, not from the knife wound - that was slight. But we discovered quite accidentally that you have rather an advanced case of... diabetes mellitus.

    Bama Dillert: I got what?

    Dave Hirsh: Diabetes?

    Doctor: I noticed there was considerable alcohol content in your blood test. How much whiskey do you drink in a day, Mr. Dillert?

    Dave Hirsh: That's a pretty good question.

    Bama Dillert: Oh, I don't rightly know, Doc. Maybe a fifth, maybe less. I don't know.

    Dave Hirsh: Maybe more...

    Doctor: Of course, you'll have to stop drinking, Mr. Dillert. Alcohol adds an enormous amount of sugar to the blood. You need treatment, Mr. Dillert. Immediate treatment.

    Dave Hirsh: You mean it's that serious?

    Doctor: The rate Mr. Dillert is going now, it's more than serious.

    Bama Dillert: All right, you've done your duty, doc. Now, you just tell me what I have to do to get out of this place without busting down that door and I'll be obliged.

    Doctor: [Reluctantly] I'll, uh... send up a release for you to sign.

  • Doctor B. N. Wallis, C.B.E., F.R.S.: Do you know how much water it takes the Germans to make a ton of steel?

    Doctor: I haven't the least idea.

    Doctor B. N. Wallis, C.B.E., F.R.S.: One hundred tons. Now just look at this.

    [gestures to a map on his desk]

    Doctor B. N. Wallis, C.B.E., F.R.S.: The whole of this great arsenal of war factories in the Ruhr depends for its water on three enormous dams. The Moehne. The Eder. And, the Sorpe. They control the level of the canals and supply a lot of hydroelectric power as well. When those are full they hold four hundred *million* tons of water. Just think of the chaos if we could break those walls down.

  • Doctor: What does your husband do, what's his profession?

    Alison Porter: He runs a sweet stall at the market.

    Doctor: I thought you said he's been to university.

  • Doctor: [Jerilee's mother comes to the hospital after Jerilee's nervous breakdown] A neighbor brought her in, Mrs. Randall. She was suffering from paranoia and hallucinations.

    Veronica Randall: There's never been anything like that on my side of the family.

    Doctor: Her condition was drug induced at the time. Tranquilizers, cocaine, amphetamines, alcohol. Would you know about her... eh... problems?

    Veronica Randall: She's always been difficult.

  • Doctor: I'll be right back. You stay here.

    Petya: No, I'm scared!

    Doctor: Well then, come with me.

    Petya: I'm scared to come with you.

    Doctor: What are you more scared of, staying or coming?

    Petya: I'm equally scared.

    Doctor: You've got to choose.

    Petya: I'm scared to choose.

    Doctor: Decide.

    Petya: I'm scared to decide.

    Doctor: Well, let me take you to the neighbor. Where does she live?

    Petya: I don't know.

    Doctor: Let's go look for her.

    Petya: I'm scared to look.

    Doctor: Listen, this way we'll be here 'till tomorrow. Do you understand that a catastrophe might occur? is that what you want?

    Petya: I want to come with you.

  • Doctor: The trouble with this part of the world is that they have too many fairy tales.

  • Doctor: The uterus is completely destroyed. All that mathematics was too much for your body.

  • Doctor: Kibe!

  • [Doctor, visiting prisoners in hospital, hears they are listening to music by Beethoven]

    Doctor: Ah, Beethoven. He is a good German.

    Prisoner: [calls out from the background] Yes. He's dead.

  • Doctor: [on recording] You're getting too attached to Sophie.

    Teen Diana: She's my friend.

    Doctor: Well, if that's true, why did you hurt her?

    Teen Diana: She was getting better.

  • Doctor: Your daddy loves you.

    Samara Morgan: Daddy loves the horses. He wants me to go away.

  • Samara Morgan: [Speaking of her father] He wants me to go away.

    Doctor: No he doesn't.

    Samara Morgan: But he doesn't know...

    Doctor: He doesn't know what?

  • Doctor: Your parents love you, Samara.

    Samara Morgan: Not Daddy.

  • Doctor: Let's talk about these pictures you make.

    Samara Morgan: I don't make them, I see them... and then... they just... are.

  • Doctor: [to Trish] Under extreme duress, people are capable of extraordinary behavior. That's what happened when your brother violently attacked the killer. At that moment, it was perfectly normal for him to act to protect himself.

  • [last lines]

    Doctor: And where do you live, Simon?

    Mary Hobbes: I live in the weak and the wounded... Doc.

  • Doctor: Billy, where does the Princess live?

    Mary Hobbes: [voice of Billy] In the tongue.

    Doctor: Why the tongue?

    Mary Hobbes: [voice of Billy] Because she's always talking, sir.

    Doctor: And where do you live, Billy?

    Mary Hobbes: [voice of Billy] I live in the eyes - you know that.

    Doctor: Remind me, though. Why the eyes?

    Mary Hobbes: [voice of Billy] Because... I see everything, sir.

    Doctor: And where does Simon live, Billy? Where does Simon live?

    Mary Hobbes: [Silence]

  • Doctor: [on tape] Why are you crying, Mary?

    Mary Hobbes: [on tape] I miss my family. How come they won't come visit, Doctor?

  • Mary Hobbes: [masculine voice] Hello... Doc.

    Doctor: Simon?

    Mary Hobbes: [masculine voice] You know who I am.

  • Doctor: Why did you do it, Simon?

    Mary Hobbes: [masculine voice] Because Mary let me, Doc. They always do. They always do.

    [laughs]

  • Doctor: You want to help her get better, don't you, Billy? We have to wake up Simon!

  • Doctor: If Mary is sick, then you are sick too, Billy.

  • Mary Hobbes: [tape of session 9, Mary speaks in a voice, hauntingly deep with masculinity] Hello, Doc.

    Doctor: Simon?

    Mary Hobbes: You know who I am.

    Doctor: Billy has told me a lot about you.

    Mary Hobbes: Billy is a smart boy.

    Doctor: What happened on Christmas night in Lowell?

    Mary Hobbes: Use your imagination.

    Doctor: I'd rather you tell me, Simon.

    Mary Hobbes: Peter was naughty, Doc.

    Doctor: What did Peter do?

    Mary Hobbes: He shouldn't have done it... Doc.

    Doctor: Tell me, Simon.

    Mary Hobbes: He scared Mary, Doc. He crept up behind her in the dark and he scared her. Mary fell down, Doc. She fell on her doll. It cut her up, Doc. It cut her up real bad. She needed someone to help her. So I... introduced myself. And I told her to cut up Peter, Doc. To cut him up real bad. Good thing his knife was brand new. Real sharp. And then just so her mommy and daddy wouldn't get mad, I told her... to cut them up, too. There was a lot of blood, Doc. So much blood. But Mary wanted to do it, so she did it.

  • Doctor: Final note... patient is showing extreme agitation. She's putting her fingers in her mouth...

  • [last lines]

    Claudia: Why do you think this happened?

    Doctor: I think about that too. After working here for a while. I don't think there is any reason. No pattern. You get some rest, okay?

  • Doctor: What's your special interest in this case?

    Ann Gentry: Can you think of anything more horrible than being buried alive? Well that's what's happened to this client. He's been imprisoned by a kind of sick love. He's a normal full grown man, trapped with no way out.

    Doctor: There's something here I don't understand. If he isn't seriously retarded, then how do you account for the fact that he can't walk, talk?

    Ann Gentry: Negative reinforcement, some kind of consistent punishment to discourage him from normal learning.

    Doctor: That's a pretty serious charge.

    Ann Gentry: Well they're a pretty strange family, especially the mother. Each child is by a different man, and all of them abandoned her. Now the last one she was married to, Baby's father, and I think when he left, she just never got over it. So she's taking revenge on the only male member of the family.

  • Doctor: The cancer; it's completely gone.

    Valerie Dreyfuss: Yeah. And so is my sister.

  • Doctor: [Last lines] His throat was torn exactly like the Marco case.

    Inspector Wilson: [Asking about the connection between the deaths] What's the connection?

    Doctor: What connection could there be? Witchcraft?

    Inspector Wilson: Hardly. Not in this day and age... not in this day and age.

  • Phillip Payne: Doctor, I'd like to show you something. You too, Chee. Now there are four species of flea on this slide: carnivore, dog, X-Cheopis, and bat. I'm going to put a blood spot on the slide. Now what do you see?

    Doctor: Well, the bat flea is ingesting the blood.

    Phillip Payne: Keep looking. Now what do you see?

    Doctor: It's a bacilli. And virulent.

    Walker Chee: You mind if I take a look at that?

    Phillip Payne: Go ahead.

    Doctor: Where did you get that blood specimen?

    Phillip Payne: Same place as the fleas: the dead sheep.

    Walker Chee: What kind of bacilli is that?

    Phillip Payne: Bubonic plague.

    Walker Chee: Now how the hell do you know that?

    Phillip Payne: It's my business to know.

    Walker Chee: What do you think, Doc?

    Doctor: Well, it certainly could be plague. What mystifies me is the loss of blood and the stench of ammonia and the bites. I've never seen bites like that.

    Phillip Payne: The bite marks come from the incisor teeth of vampire bats. The blood loss and the ammonia are one and the same.

    Walker Chee: Meaning what?

    Phillip Payne: Vampires consume one and half times their weight in blood. They piss the excess out so they can get airborne again. That excess blood turns into ammonia.

    Phillip Payne: Make no mistake. There's a highly intelligent colony of vampire bats roosting in a great cave somewhere in these canyons. Their attacks, inevitably, will be drawn closer to mass human dwellings. And with these attacks come the bubonic plague. That's what you've got to face, Chee.

    Walker Chee: What about placing the reservations under quarantine?

    Phillip Payne: No, that won't help. You can't protect people from nocturnal sweeps of thirty or forty thousand vampire bats.

  • Doctor: Are you in here? You're not supposed to be playing that flute!

  • Dr. Bern: Stop the machine.

    Doctor: What do you mean, doctor?

    Dr. Bern: Man, just turn off the machine! Don't gimmie no gub!

  • Doctor: Mr. Asteroid, these x-rays indicate that your break dancing on the ceiling has caused a deadly tumor on your brain.

    Asteroid: But Doc, dancing on the ceiling is my signature move.

    Doctor: Your signature move is killing you. I'm afraid you have ten left to live.

    Asteroid: Ten what? Ten years? Ten months?

    Doctor: All we know for sure is ten.

  • Doctor: It's confirmed,she is pregnant

    Raj Malhotra: We did it! Thank you, Priya (hugs his wife)

  • Chato Vasquez: Not joking? What kind of a doctor are you, anyway? Don't you know anything?

    Doctor: We must take what comes.

    Chato Vasquez: What are you saying? What can a matador do with a daughter? You've ruined everything. Don't pay him anything, maestro. Not a centavo.

  • Suki: Bates Motel!

    Doctor: Suki, is everything okay?

    Suki: Why, what have you heard?

  • Roy 'Chubby' Brown: Pregnant? You're talking out of your arse! How can I be pregnant? I demand a second opinion!

    Doctor: If you insist. You're an ugly bastard as well!

  • [first lines]

    Doctor: I didn't start treating him until well after his initial contact with the virus. First case on record. Poor guy, should already be dead. And all I can do is give him something to keep his energy up, but does nothing to inhibit the illness. And I had hoped he'd hang on long enough so I could name the disease after me.

  • Medical Student: Doctor, what's happening now?

    Doctor: That's a psychic healer dispelling evil spirits - part of his HMO.

  • Doctor: [to Even] Life is an express train from the future. You can either stand in the middle of the tracks or turn and run like Hell.

  • Doctor: [after being hurriedly summoned] What is it - a baby or a shooting?

    townsman: A shooting.

  • Sammy Jankis: [after being shocked] What the fuck?

    Doctor: It's a test, Sammy.

    Sammy Jankis: [flipping him the bird] Test this, you fucking quack!

  • Doctor: You can't go on like this. You have to get out. I'm speaking as a doctor, not as a friend.

    Hilbert: You tell me three times a day. Three! I'm speaking as a mathematician, not as a friend.

Browse more character quotes from The Dark Knight Rises (2012)

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