Dirk Quotes in Stark Raving Mad (2002)

Dirk: Nah, I don't think so.

Stacie: Let me in the fucking club, you piece of shit!

Ben McGewen: What's wrong?

Dirk: Fake I.D.

Stacie: No, it's not.

Ben McGewen: Sorry. You can't come in.

Stacie: That's my real I.D. Bite me.

Dirk: [hands Ben her I.D]

Ben McGewen: This doesn't look like just a dye job to me. See, you're a brunette, and this I.D.'s for a natural blonde.

Stacie: Oh, yeah? Does this look brunette to you?

[lifts her mini-skirt to reveal her blonde pubic hair]

Stacie: Huh?

Ben McGewen: Don't be a dick, Dirk. Let her in.

Ben McGewen: Dirk, the line's all the way down the street. How come we're not staying full?

Dirk: We're getting a lot of fake I.D.'s. It's all like jail bait.

Ben McGewen: So? Let 'em in, man. Let 'em all in.

Dirk: Huh? You're kidding.

Ben McGewen: [waving the kids in] Come on. Okay, let's go.

Dirk: They'll shut us down.

Ben McGewen: [to the kids] There you go.

Dirk: What the hell are you doing?

Ben McGewen: [to the kids] Single file.

Dirk: You no have club no more!

Ben McGewen: [still talking to kids and ignoring Dirk's pleas] Lots of room for ya. Get drunk. Be loud! Be really loud! Okay. All right. There you go.

Dirk: You'll never promote a club again!

Ben McGewen: I don't give a shit right now, man.

Dirk: Dude, that is a *hot* murder weapon.

Nikolai Wolf: It's a Bowie knife.

Dirk: Bowie. Nice.

Nikolai Wolf: [about to stab Jennifer] All right. Here we go, it's gonna be gnarly!

Dirk: No, I'm not an asshole. I'm just young, dumb and full - What the fuck? Something just brushed up against my leg.

Jenny: Oh, my God! What is it?

Dirk: No. There's seriously something down here. Oh, no, wait! It's just my gigantic cock!

Dirk: Yeah I heard you. Something about "cocks and quarters". Yeah, we have that here in the states only we call it "hide the sausage".

Grumpy Lady: [Woman struggling to load a casket onto a cart] Damn! The thing's heavier than it looks.

Zack: Hi, do you need some help with that?

Grumpy Lady: Yes, thank you.

[They get the casket into the cart]

Grumpy Lady: It's for my husband.

Zack: Oh, I'm sorry to hear about that.

Grumpy Lady: Oh, he's not dead. Not yet. It's just too good a deal to pass up.

Zack: Well, do you need some help getting it to your car?

Grumpy Lady: No, thank you. The lazy prick's waiting for me. I'm gonna make him load it.

Zack: Well, good luck murdering your husband.

[Woman laughs]

Zack: If you need my help, holler.

Grumpy Lady: [Woman on her way out of the store] Excuse me.

Dirk: Yes?

Grumpy Lady: That young man is wonderful. I'll be back for sure, just because of him.

Dirk: [Dirk looks at Vince] Oh, that man there? No surprise.

Grumpy Lady: No.

Grumpy Lady: [Woman goes over to Zack] This is the guy. He's a wonderful fella.

Dirk: Well thank you. May I help you find your way to your car?

Grumpy Lady: I know where it is. Idiot.

Dirk: I'd just like to say that I've got a problem with you all accepting my homosexuality without question. No wonder my suppressed heterosexual side is in a spin all the time. You all thought I was gay even when I was fucking straight!

Danny: Dirk, we think it's great, man.

Dirk: What's so fucking great about being a poofter, Danny?

Danny: Nothing, Dirk. Just... finish the bathroom.

Dirk: That's just fucking typical, Daniel. I'd like to declare, I've got a problem with that, too. You want me to put on a fucking pink apron, Danny? You want me to put on the fucking pink washing-up gloves, and lick the boots of the hetero-fascist sterility conspiracy thing? Well, no fucking way, pal! I'm not some mincey fucking queen that'll lick the boots of you hetero fucks! Oh, give the fag some hetero foot massage routine when he comes in -- bullshit! Gay men are dying, Danny. And you want me to clean the bath.

Danny: Dirk, just forget it, mate.

Dirk: You don't mean that, do you, Danny? What you really mean is, "All you filthy little ass-bandits should be nailed to a tree!" Isn't that so, Danny?

Danny: Dirk, this newly installed, sophisticated gay radar of yours is picking up shit from the cosmos that just ain't fucking there. I've got my own shit to worry about. I've lived in 49 shared households in what seems like as many years. I've been ripped off, raided, threatened, burned out, shot at, cheated on, scabbed in every one of those years. My beds are foam slabs on the floor, my cupboards are stacks of stolen milk crates! I've lived with tent-dwelling bank clerks, albino moon tanners, nitrous suckers, psycho fucking drama queens, ACID EATERS, MUSHROOM FARMERS, FUCKING BROTHEL CRAWLERS, FRIDGE-PISSERS, HARDCORE SEPARATIST LESBIANS, AND AN OBSCURELY-TITLED JAPANESE GIRL! AND NOW THE BEST FRIEND I'VE EVER HAD IN THE FUCKING WORLD WON'T EVEN FUCKING TALK TO ME! I'M IN A PSYCHO FUCKING NIGHTMARE FROM HELL, AND I'M FUCKING FED UP WITH IT! So I suggest, pal, that you tune in, and chill fucking out.

[in a scene from "Brock Landers: Angels Live In My Town"]

Dirk: [as Brock] You still hungry?

Jessie St. Vincent: Starving.

[unzipping his pants]

Dirk: [as Brock] Then feast on that.

Dirk: What can you expect when you're on top? You know? It's like Napoleon. When he was the king, you know, people were just constantly trying to conquer him, you know, in the Roman Empire. So, it's history repeating itself all over again.

Dirk: You're not the boss of me, Jack. You're not the king of Dirk. I'm the boss of me. I'm the king of me. I'm Dirk Diggler. I'm the star. It's my big dick and I say when we roll.

[last lines]

Dirk: I've been around this block twice now. Looking for something. A clue. I've been looking for clues and something led me back here. Yeah. So here I am. It could have been me, the one who was at Ringo's place when the shit went down. Hey. I know how it is. I've been there. We've all done bad things. We've all had those guilty feelings in our heart. I'm going to take your brain out of your head and wash it and scrub it and make it clean. I don't know. But I'm going to have to settle this. First we're going to check the hole and see what we can find. We're going to get nice and wet, and you're going to spread your legs. Oh, that's good. So you know me. You know my reputation. Thirteen inches of tough load, I don't treat you gently. That's right. I'm Brock Landers. So I'm going to be nice. So I'm going to be nice. So I'm going to be nice, I'm going to ask you one more time. Where the fuck is Ringo? I am a star. I'm a star, I'm a star, I'm a star. I am a big, bright, shining star. That's right.

Todd Parker: We're not leaving yet. We're here now, and we want something else from you. Hey... hey, hey, hey, hey! Hey! We want something else from you.

Rahad Jackson: ...What?

Dirk: Todd, what the hell are you doing man? Let's just go.

Todd Parker: In the master bedroom... under the bed... in a floor safe. Understand?

Dirk: What the fuck is the matter with you Todd, let's go! Come on, man!

Reed Rothchild: Todd!

Todd Parker: Shhhut up Dirk. I t... I told you I got a plan. I got a very good plan.

Rahad Jackson: Are you-are you kidding me, kitty?

Todd Parker: Nah, I'm not, see? I'm not kidding. I want what's in the safe! We want what is in the goddamn safe, in the goddamn master bedroom on the fuckin' floor in the goddamn fuckin' floor safe, that's all!

Dirk: Todd, don't be crazy, ok?

[to Rahad]

Dirk: Sir - we don't know anything about this, okay? This is not at all what we wanted.

Todd Parker: Shut the fuck up Dirk.

[to Rahad's bodyguard]

Todd Parker: Do not reach for your gun, man, don't reach for your gun!

Todd Parker: [Todd pulls out gun and aims it at bodyguard, Rahad shoots Todd in the shoulder, before fleeing to his bedroom, laughing maniacally; Dirk and Reed take cover as the bodyguard pulls out two pistols and starts firing at them, Todd then shoots the bodyguard]

Todd Parker: He went in the bedroom!

Dirk: Todd, what the fuck are you doin'?

Todd Parker: He went in the bedroom!

Dirk: Todd, what the fuck did you go crazy?

Todd Parker: He's got coke and he's got cash, in that safe, in that bedroom and if we leave here without it, man we're fuckin' idiots, man! We came here to motherfuckin' do something and we can fucking do it, alright? Are you with me?

Reed Rothchild: Todd, listen to me! Let's just split, man! Let's just split right this was not the thing! This was not supposed to be the thing, Todd!

Todd Parker: That's what we goddamn came here to motherfuckin' do, and that's what I'm gonna fuckin' do right fuckin' now!

Dirk: Fuck, no! Don't, don't! Don't be fucking stupid!

Rahad Jackson: [Todd kicks down the door and is shot in the chest with a shotgun by Rahad] Come on, you puppies!

[Rahad racks his shotgun and fires at Dirk and Reed]

Rahad Jackson: It's comin' down for puppies!

Dirk: Aren't you gonna take your skates off?

Rollergirl: I never take my skates off.

Jack Horner: Do these characters have a name?

Dirk: The guy's name is Brock Landers.

Reed Rothchild: And his partner is Chest Rockwell.

Jack Horner: Those are some great names.

Reed Rothchild: Hey, are those lizard?

Dirk: No, they're Italian. I'm gonna fuckin' buy these.

Dirk: Look, man, all we need is the tapes, all right?

Record Producer: No, you don't get the tapes until you've paid.

Dirk: In our situation, that doesn't make any fucking sense.

Reed Rothchild: Look, we can not pay for the tapes, unless we take the tapes to the record company, and get paid.

Dirk: Hello? Exactly.

Record Producer: That's not an MP, that's a YP, your problem. Come up with the money, or forget it.

Reed Rothchild: Okay, now you're talking above my head. I don't know all of this industry jargon, YP, MP. All I know is that I can't get a record contract, we cannot get a record contract unless we take those tapes to the record company. And granted, the tapes themselves are a uh um oh, you own them, all right, but the magic that is on those tapes. That fucking heart and soul that we put onto those tapes, that is ours and you don't own that. Now I need to take that magic and get it over the record company. And they're waiting for us, we were supposed to be there a half hour ago. We look like assholes, man.

Dirk: Let me explain to him in simple arithmetic. One, two three! Because you don't fuckin' get it, Burt! You give us the tapes. We get the record contract. We come back and give you your fuckin' money. Have you heard the tapes? Have you even heard them? We're guaranteed a record deal. Our stuff is that good!

Record Producer: Now I get it. Now I understand. You want it to happen... but it's not going to happen. Because it's a Catch-22.

Dirk: What the fuck does that mean? What is a Catch-22, Burt?

Record Producer: Catch-22, gentleman. Think about it.

[pause]

Dirk: You know what I'm thinking about, man? I'm thinking about kicking some fuckin' ass!

Dirk: I wanna fuck. It's my fucking big dick. Who wants to fuck?

[just before they start filming Dirk's first movie]

Dirk: Does he want me to keep going until I come?

Amber Waves: Yeah. You just come when you're ready.

Dirk: Where should I come?

Amber Waves: Where do you want?

Dirk: Wherever you tell me.

Amber Waves: Come on my tits, if you can, okay? Just pull it out and do it on my stomach and my tits, if you can.

Amber Waves: [having sex, filming a porno] Oh, John. You're a wonderful actor.

Dirk: It's okay to come?

Amber Waves: Are you ready to come?

Dirk: Yeah.

Amber Waves: Come in me.

Dirk: What?

Amber Waves: I'm fixed. I want you to come in me.

Dirk: Okay.

[moans and climaxes]

Dirk: I can't. I just can't get it hard. I just can't. I'm sorry.

Surfer: You shouldn't do this sorta thing, faggot.

Dirk: Yeah, well this is imported Italian nylon.

Dirk: I know fucking karate.

Joe: [as Dirk is in his truck and trying to rub his penis to get an erection] Come on!

Dirk: [Dirk stops] I can't! I can't get it hard, right? I can't. I'm sorry!

[another truck suddenly pulls up with a group of guys]

Joe: You just shouldn't do this sort of thing, you faggot!

[punches Dirk]

Little Bill: [while shooting a scene, Dirk ejaculated inside Amber] We missed the cum shot. He came inside her. Maybe we could go to stock footage, or...

Jack Horner: Are you crazy? It won't match!

Dirk: Jack? I can do it again if you need a closeup.

Dirk: You don't know what I can do! You don't know what I can do, what I'm gonna do, or what I'm gonna be! I'm good! I have good things and you don't know about! I'm gonna be something! I am! And don't fucking tell me I'm not!

[last lines]

Dirk: [practicing his lines in the mirror] I've been around this block twice now. Looking for something. A clue. I've been looking for clues and something led me back here. Yeah. So here I am. It could have been me, the one who was at Ringo's place when the shit went down. Hey. I know how it is. I've been there. We've all done bad things. We've all had those guilty feelings in our heart. I'm going to take your brain out of your head and wash it and scrub it and make it clean. I don't know. But I'm going to have to settle this. First we're going to check the hole and see what we can find. We're going to get nice and wet, and you're going to spread your legs. Oh, that's good. So you know me. You know my reputation. Thirteen inches of tough load, I don't treat you gently. That's right. I'm Brock Landers. So I'm going to be nice. So I'm going to be nice. So I'm going to be nice, I'm going to ask you one more time. Where the fuck is Ringo?

Dirk: [he stands, unzips his pants and pulls out his penis] I am a star. I'm a star, I'm a star, I'm a star. I am a big, bright, shining star. That's right.

[he rezips his pants]

Dirk: You know, I'm gonna be a great big bright, shining star.

Dirk: [standing in the kitchen at work with Jack] So, you want five or ten?

Jack Horner: What?

Dirk: Well, if you just wanna see me jack off, it's ten. But if you just wanna look at it, it's only five.

Dirk: I'm ready to shoot RIGHT NOW.

Dirk: Hi ho!

Stan: Did you call me a ho?

Dirk: Some people collect stamps. Some play a bit of golf. For me, it was butt-sculpture. Fag-modelling. Turning dirty old stogies into works of art. Started off with a small camel gumbie, then moved on. Trojan horse. Steam train. One day I plan to do the Crash of the Hindenberg. It's a lot like fishing - you get stinky fingers doing that, too.

Dirk: I had a 'who' and a 'how' but I didn't have a 'why'. Maybe I didn't even have a 'who'. I couldn't say for certain how that who did what he did how he did, and why he did what he did how he did - shit - I didn't have a 'what' either! But I had a 'where'! Where he did what he did how he did. But I still couldn't prove HOW he could do what he did, or even if he COULD do what he diddy-diddy-dum-diddy-do- It'd been a long day.

Dirk: Nah...shoot! I don't care. This isn't happening. You're not here. I'm not here. I'm probably laying gaa-gaa in some gutter. This is all just some hallucination. In a couple of hours some blokes from my buck's night are probably gonna come along and piss all over me. Well, thank you linesman, thank you ballboy, so into your jamies, grab your teddy, off to bed and get fucked! HENDERSON shoots.