Director Quotes in The Pacifier (2005)

Director: We open in a week, people! The set isn't finished. Mother Abbess just quit because she has shingles. And, every step-ball change would make Bob Fosse rise from the grave just so he could have a heart attack again!

Seth Plummer: I'll get it right.

Director: No, you won't. You and your... *mother* over here can't get it right. And, I know this because I am a professional. I directed Show Boat with Greg Brady. It wasn't union, but it was good. Good! Good! Good!

[puts hand up to rest up against prop, but crashes through it and falls down and then gets up and straightens himself out]

Director: Obviously, I quit!

[first lines]

Director: Cut! Okay, that's a print. That was great, Billy! Okay everybody...

[stage light collapses, crew gasps]

Striker: [leaping over a wall] Geronimo!

[... onto a movie set]

Striker: [roars]

Scream Queen: [starts continuous scream]

Striker: [softly] Oh, chill, mama, shh! Cut it out! Take it easy! You gotta be quiet! My bo...

Scream Queen: [scream continues]

Striker: My boss is right there. Shh! Shh! Hey, chill, cool! Bruisin', killin', crusin'! Shh!

Scream Queen: [stops screaming, now angry]

Striker: Hey, yo...

Director: Cut!

Striker: Yo! Where the *hell* am I?

Scream Queen: Hey, that is *not* *your* *cue*! *You* stepped on *my* scream!

Striker: [cowering] Huh?

Director: No. No, no, no, no, no. *You're* not afraid of her *her*; *she* is afraid of *you*.

Director: Look. Look, look, look, look, look. You're the big boogedy monster.

Striker: Boogedy monster.

Director: All we want you to do is jump over the wall...

Striker: Jump.

Director: ...land down here, go, "I'm gonna get you, I'm gonna get you," she can scream, she gets scared a lot, and that's it. It's that simple.

Striker: [to makeup woman touching up his shoulder] Hey, what's you - hey, what's you doin' man?

Director: [to makeup woman] You missed a spot right there.

Striker: And get off me!

Director: Now look, come on, the suit looks great. You look terrific, but I need you to be more... more *terrifying*! You're a monster.

Striker: Terrifying.

Director: I need you to play this with- with...

Striker: What? What?

Director: With truth. Can you do that?

Striker: Oh, right on.

Director: [check's shooting scehdule] Yeah, yeah, yeah, we've got to go. All right, back to one. We gotta get to the car chase before lunch. Come on, you can do it. All right, everybody, we're sitting on a powder keg. We have *got* to move! We have *got* to go, right now.

[Director bumps into guy in a fish-monster suit, does a double-take to where he last saw Striker]

[Homer and Bart are at a table. We see an interior shot of Homer's mouth as he eats. Bart is angry]

Homer Simpson: Hey, what's with you?

Bart Simpson: You really wanna know?

Homer Simpson: Of course I do. What kind of father wouldn't care about

[sees something]

Homer Simpson: a pig wearing a hat!

[Krusty the Clown is filming a commercial]

Director: Action!

Krusty the Clown: Hey hey! It's your old pal Krusty for my new pork sandwich, the clogger! If you can find a greasier sandwich, you're in Mexico!

[He laughs and then takes a bite of the sandwich]

Krusty the Clown: Mmm!

Director: And... we're clear.

[Krusty spits out the sandwich]

Krusty the Clown: Perfect. Cut, print, kill the pig.

[a saw is held up to the pig. It squeals in terror]

Homer Simpson: [gasps] What? You can't kill him if he's wearing people clothes!

[the pig runs across to Homer, giving him a forlorn look. To the tune of 'Happy Together', Homer briefly imagines himself and the pig dancing in a field. He picks up the pig]

Homer Simpson: You're coming home with me.

Kevin Morton: Well, is everything straightened out?

Director: We are ready whenever you are.

Kevin Morton: Doesn't it look like I'm ready?

[loudly]

Kevin Morton: I am ALWAYS ready! I have BEEN ready since first call! I AM READY! Roll!

Director: Quiet, please! This is a take. Roll, please.

Cameraman: Speed!

Kevin Morton: ACTION!

Director: Action!

[last lines]

Alan Bennett (2014): [arriving on bicycle] Hi.

Woman: [taking the bicycle] Hi, Alan.

Director: Okay, take 14. And, action!

Alan Bennett: Gloucester Crescent has had many notable residents, but none odder or more remarkable than Miss Mary Shepherd, to whom we dedicate this blue plaque today.

Director: Squint against the grandeur!

Announcer: Welcome to Eyewitness News at Six, with Susan Ortega, Evan Baxter, Fred Donahue Sports, Dallas Coleman Weather. And now, Buffalo's Number One News Team.

Susan Ortega: Good Evening and welcome to Eyewitness News at Six. I'm Susan Ortega.

Evan Baxter: And I'm Evan Baxter and here's what's making news. A potential scandal with the Buffalo P.D. surfaced today when the mayor d-bow debit

[choked off]

Evan Baxter: [high pitched] D-bow d-bit d-bow

[unintelligible chicken squawking]

Evan Baxter: Bucka-bow, dee buck.

Director: Someone get him some water please.

Susan Ortega: Looks like my new co-anchor may need a glass of water.

Evan Baxter: [clears throat] Oh, there we go. Sorry about that. In other news the Prime Minister of Sweden visited Washington today and my tiny little nipples went to France.

Director: What'd he just say? Check the prompter.

Technician: The prompter's fine.

Director: Evan, READ THE COPY. Please. The copy's good. Just read it.

Evan Baxter: The White House reception committee greeted the Prime Ribroast Minister and... I do the cha-cha like a sissy girl. I lik-a do da cha-cha. I'm sorry we seem to be having some technical difficulties. In other news

[breaks wind]

Evan Baxter: Ohhhh. My apologies. Bulla blah, bulla blabity bulla bla

[rapid unitelligible gibberish]

Evan Baxter: Blabity blab bulla blah

[explosive gibberish]

Evan Baxter: [continues for 35 seconds]

[vaguely Chinese]

Evan Baxter: Kaa kaa poo poo. PEE PEE

[nervous laugh]

Director: [slightly irked after Frank, undercover as Phil Donahue, throws up in a tuba] Someone make a note. I don't think we should have Phil Donahue back next year.

Director: Now, do it again. And try not to screw up the blocking this time, eyes, eyes, nostrils, silent scream!

Jenna: I have to go to the bathroom.

Director: Piss in the dumpster! Again!

Director: Cut dammit! Cut! Mr Bakshi.

Hrundi V. Bakshi: Yes, Sir?

Director: Has it occurred to you that the period of our picture is 1878?

Hrundi V. Bakshi: Oh, yes indeed sir. I am well aware that that is the period of the film. 1878.

Director: Mr. Bakshi, are you also aware that in 1878 they weren't wearing underwater watches?

Hrundi V. Bakshi: Yes sir, I know that. They had not even been invented.

Director: Got the time?

Hrundi V. Bakshi: Yes, it's...

[looks at his underwater watch]

Hrundi V. Bakshi: Oh my God.

Director: You.

Hrundi V. Bakshi: Me?

Director: Yes, you. Get off of my set, and out of my picture. Off, off! You're washed up, you're finished! I'll see to it that you never make another movie again!

Hrundi V. Bakshi: Does that include television, sir?

[first lines]

Director: All right, cut it! Cut it!

[first lines]

Director: So, what's going on?

Mark: I get to start? It's um, it's good, it was good. I, I got you a copy on DVD. And it's one of those medical... drama... hospital things.

Director: Concerned neighbor. This the part here?

Casting Assistant: Yeah.

Director: Doesn't really matter whether he looks like, does it?

Mark: I was going to say, uh, I really like the script.

Director: It's a good script.

Director: [phone rings] Okay thank you...

Casting Assistant: Great, thanks Martin.

Mark: Mark.

Director: [in Japanese] Mr. Bob-san, you are relaxing in your study. On the table is a bottle of Suntory whiskey. Got it? Look slowly, with feeling, at the camera, and say it gently - say it as if you were speaking to an old friend. Just like Bogie in Casablanca, "Here's looking at you, kid" - Suntory time.

Translator: Umm. He want you to turn, looking at camera. OK?

Bob: That's all he said?

Translator: Yes. Turn to camera.

Bob: All right. Does he want me to turn from the right, or turn from the left?

Translator: [to director, in Japanese] Uh, umm. He's ready now. He just wants to know if he's supposed to turn from the left or turn from the right when the camera rolls. What should I tell him?

Director: [in Japanese] What difference does it make! Makes no difference! Don't have time for that! Got it, Bob-san? Just psych yourself up, and quick! Look straight at the camera. At the camera. And slowly. With passion. Straight at the camera. And in your eyes there's... passion. Got it?

Translator: [to Bob] Right side. And with intensity. OK?

Bob: Is that everything? It seemed like he said quite a bit more than that.

Director: [to Bob, in Japanese] Listen, listen. This isn't just about whiskey. Understand? Imagine you're talking to an old friend. Gently. The emotions bubble up from the bottom of your heart. And don't forget, psych yourself up!

Translator: Like an old friend. And, into the camera.

Bob: OK.

Director: [in Japanese] Got it? You *love* whiskey. It's *Suntory* time. OK?

Bob: OK.

Director: OK?

Bob: [nods]

Director: [to crew] OK!

Director: Act! Act! You have the wrong place. We are not allowed to act here. We walk on our hands! And you know why? They bully us. If we put on plays, they'd have to close their great, noble theaters! Their public is bored to death by museum pieces, dusty tragedies and declaiming mummies who never move! But the Funambules is full of life, movement! Extravaganzas! Appearances, disappearances, like in real life! And then-boom-the kick in the pants!