Dexter Quotes in Die Hard with a Vengeance (1995)

Zeus: [in Zeus' electric shop] Now, where you goin'?

Dexter: School.

Zeus: Why?

Raymond: To get educated.

Zeus: *Why*?

Dexter: So we can go to college.

Zeus: And why is that important?

Dexter: To get es-pect.

Zeus: RE-spect. Now, who's the bad guys?

Dexter: Guys who sell drugs.

Raymond: Guys who have guns.

Zeus: And who's the good guys?

Dexter: We're the good guys.

Zeus: Who's gonna help you?

Raymond: Nobody.

Zeus: *So who's gonna help you*?

Dexter: We're gonna help ourselves.

Zeus: And who do we not want to help us?

Dexter, Raymond: White people.

Zeus: That's right. Now get on outta here. Go to school.

Raymond: [coming into Zeus' electric shop] Yo, uncle!

Dexter: [referring to the radio their carrying] Come look at this!

Zeus: [looks at watch] It's ten after nine. Why aren't you in school?

Raymond: Tony wants to sell you this.

Zeus: Tony? That no-neck dude they call "Bad T"?

Dexter: He says he found it in a dumpster.

Zeus: He keeps stealing from people, they're gonna find him in a dumpster.

Raymond: No, he didn't steal it. He says his uncle gave it to him.

Zeus: Mm-hm? Hand me that newspaper over there.

[Raymond hands Zeus the paper, and he whaps his nephews' heads lightly]

Zeus: Don't *ever* let people use you. You're running all over town with stolen property; if you get caught, you get in trouble while he gets to deny the whole thing and walk away.

Dexter: Y-You mean, you want us to take it back to Tony?

Zeus: No, I'll take it back to Tony... with a message.

Principal Martinez: [addressing her students in the auditorium, trying to keep them calm as Walter instructed her to] Hi kids. I know you usually have assembly on Fridays, but today's special. Mr. Lambert here is from the fire department and today he wants us to practice a brand new fire drill. So, I want you to divide in half, and I want half of you to go over here - teachers will help them - and line up against the wall. The other half will go in this direction. Please do it very quietly and very quickly, alright? Everybody up please. Teachers, please help them.

Raymond: Fire drill, my ass. That guy ain't from the fire department.

Dexter: Maybe it's cuz of the radio.

Raymond: You mean, like, they're after us? Nah.

Dexter: Tony squealed on us!

Raymond: No he didn't.

Zeus: Dial 911. Tell the police to get up here quick. Somebody's about to get killed. And get your butts to school, you hear me?

Raymond: [casually] Yeah.

Dexter: Yeah.

[Dexter is being rescued]

Dexter: You don't understand. I can't walk... they've tied my shoelaces together.

Topper Harley: A knot. Bastards!

Dexter: I don't even remember what my dad looks like.

Ed: I don't remember what my dad looks like either, but at least I get to see him everyday.

Kurt: From now on, your LIFE is Mondo Burger! You can forget about your friends; you can forget about your family... because Kurt is now both your mother AND your father.

Dexter: [under his breath to a girl beside him] Kurt must look awfully strange naked.

Otis: I caught those Mondo brats dumping shark poison in our sauce.

Dexter: Shark poison!

Ed: Why would they want to harm those innocent sharks?

Dexter: Haven't I seen you somewhere before?

Ed: Ever been to Australia?

Dexter: No.

Ed: Me neither.

Dexter: Hey, man, about the contract, why don't we just forget about it?

[Rips contract in half]

Ed: You don't wanna be partners?

Dexter: No, see...

Ed: [Interrupts] Is it because I'm black?

Kurt: You mess with Kurt, and you go in the grinder.

Dexter: Okay, now this "grinder" of yours. Is it a real grinder or is it just some kind of metaphor?

Dexter: Check it, Ed, it's the Mondo Idiot!

Ed: Oh, nice to meet you, Mondo Idiot, I'm Ed.

Kurt: Well, Ed, you better watch your butt man!

Ed: Okay.

[Tries and ends up spinning around and around]

Ed: I give up. There's no way a guy can watch his own butt.

[Ed dumped Trilampathol into the meat supply, causing Mondo Burger to be destroyed]

Ed: I thought that if I took the can, there was a good chance that I'd get caught, but even if I did get the Trilampathol to the proper authorities, Kurt would hire some powerful attornies who would dispute any charges brought against him or Mondo Burger by manipulating the legal system and the way America's court system is congested these days, it would take months to convict him of anything. So I thought I'd take matters into my own hands and dump the Trilampathol into the meat supply, making Mondo Burger a victim of its own foul play.

Dexter: You thought all that?

Ed: Yeah. I'm not stupid.

Dexter: Ed, I don't know how to say this...

Ed: Oh, well, you just go, "Thiiiissssssssssss."

Dexter: So, Monique, what're you gonna do tonight after you lock up?

Monique: I thought I'd go home.

Dexter: Home? Why?

Monique: Well... that's where my stuff is.

Deedee: Ed! There must be 50 customers out there! It's unbelievable! What do you put in that sauce?

Ed: Well, you start off with a little lemon juice and some ketchup...

[Dexter tackles him to the ground]

Ed: Um, look Dexter, I like you as a friend and all but...

Dexter: No! Listen to me carefully.

Ed: Okay.

Dexter: Do not tell anyone the recipe to your sauce.

Ed: Oh, well first you start off with a little lemon juice and some ketchup...

Dexter: *Stop It*! Stop talking. *Never* tell anyone the ingredients of your *sauce*.

Ed: [to Kurt being taken to jail] Hey, just remember, when you mess with Good Burger...

Ed, Dexter: *You* go in the grinder!

[dressed as a woman]

Dexter: Could you kindly point me in the direction of the little girl's room?

Ed: This is where I come to think... I think.

Dexter: Funny, I never figured you as much of a thinker.

Dexter: I could've sworn I've seen you somewhere before.

Ed: Maybe I'm someone famous like a baseball player or a pretty nurse.

Dexter: What? What are you talking about?

Ed: Okay, I give up. Who am I?

Dexter: I don't know *who* you are or *where* I've seen you before or *why* you think you're an attractive nurse.

Ed: [with 2 grapes up his nose] Look! I'm Grape Nose Boy! Bloobity Bloobity Bloobity Bloobity

Dexter: Stop that.

Ed: Bloobity Bloobity Bloobity Bloobity Bloobity Bloobity Bloobity

Dexter: Would you stop?

Ed: Bloobity Bloobity Bloobity Bloobity Bloobity Bloobity Bloobity

Dexter: That ain't funny!

[laughs]

Ed: Bloobity Bloobity Bloobity Bloobity... Made ya laugh!

Dexter: Yeah, so what? Oh, I give up.

Ed: You got it!

Dexter: Got what? I'm swinging from a dang pipe!

Ed: You wanna see my secret place?

Dexter: That's not what I had in mind.

Dexter: There you are, Ed. Um, can I sit here?

Ed: On my lap?

Dexter: No, man. I'll just sit down right next to you.

Dexter: [on the roof of Mondo Burger] How do you expect me to get up there?

Ed: Oh, it's easy. You just jump on the burger, jump on the fry, and then you hop on the cup, and then shimmy up the straw.

Dexter: What is this, American Gladiators?

Dexter: Okay let's see, $5 an hour, 6 hours a day, 5 days a week, I should be able to pay off the car in... oh, another lifetime!

Dexter, Ed: [as Kurt's taken away] Kurt's goin' to jail, Kurt's goin' to jail, Kurt's goin' to jail jail jail! Kurt's goin' to jail, Kurt's goin' to jail, Kurt's goin' to jail jail jail!

Mr. Wheat: [after Dexter hits his car] Let me see your license.

Dexter: Uh, yeah, regarding my license... I'd give it to you... but you're gonna have to wait.

Mr. Wheat: For what?

Dexter: Uh... about a year... that's when I get one. That's when they put it in my hand.

Ed: I will never forget you, Dexter Reed, in my head, or in my heart.

[hugs him]

Ed: Goodbye my friend!

Dexter: Uh, Ed, I'm not going anywhere.

Ed: [pulls back, nonchalant] Oh.

Ed: And that's Otis, he's 77 years old and worked here longer than anyone.

Otis: I should've died years ago.

Dexter: Tough break.

Dexter: I never took you for much of a thinker.

Ed: Oh yeah, I think about all kinds of stuff: squirrels, cardboard boxes, things that are sticky.

Dexter: I bet you don't have one real problem, do you?

Ed: I have six toes on my left foot. What kind of problems do you have, Dexter?

Dexter: Other than the ones YOU caused? A lot. Most of them started when I was a kid when my parents split up.

Mr. Wheat: I hate to do this, I hate to put a black man in jail.

Dexter: Black man in jail? I'm just a kid!

[Dexter and Mr. Wheat's cars collide]

Mr. Wheat: My afro! My afro!

Dexter: WHY?

Mr. Wheat: Well, well, Brother Reed. You have messed up my afro.

Ed: What's wrong? Were you bitten by a sheep?

Dexter: What?

Ed: Did you lose your trousers?

[looks down at Dexter's legs]

Dexter: No! Look, you are an unusually bad guesser, so I'm just gonna go ahead and tell you why I'm upset. I gotta come up with $1900 to fix some jerk's car, another $800 to fix my mother's car, and I just got fired. Man! I can't believe Kurt fired me from Mondo Burger... and he yelled at me... and he assaulted me... and he made fun of me...

Ed: [after a long pause] Boy... you must really suck!

Mr. Wheat: I'm worried about you.

Dexter: I'm worried about you, too. Have you seen yourself lately? The 'fro, the boots and that jacket. You have a nice summer, Shaft.

Ed: [driving everyone home from a night out, and trying to entertain his unconscious date] ... Then when I was six, I said my first word. My mom thinks it was "trouser", but I think it was "tweezers". And then, I went to camp and fell down the sand dunes...

Dexter: [interrupting] Ed? Ed! She's still unconscious, bro.

Ed: Oh.

Mr. Baily: What was our take today?

Fizz: 43 dollars and 9 cents.

Mr. Baily: That's it? Well, I suppose I could always feed my mother cat food.

Dexter: Now probably wouldn't be the best time to ask for a raise?

Mr. Baily: No!

Dexter: [Ed said something that offended Dexter] You see, right about now, I'd slap you right across your head, but I don't think your brain would understand the concept of pain.

Ed: Wanna see my belly button?

Ice Cream Man: Hey, what are you doing?

Otis: Stealing your truck.

Dexter: Yeah, we'll bring it back.

Dexter: [while he is being grabbed by Demeted Hills workers] You think you strong? You'll never be half the man your mamma was.

Ed: [peering in the kitchen window at Mondo Burger] What's that stuff they're putting in the burgers?

Dexter: I don't know... but I'll bet you that's what makes those burgers grow so big.

Ed: We should get some of that stuff for Good Burger.

Dexter: No, man! That stuff's got to be illegal.

Ed: [to a hungry dog] Here, have a Mondo burger...

[dog barks at the burger]

Ed: What's wrong?

Dexter: I don't know, he sure does look hungry though.

Ed: [to the dog] Here, try a Good Burger.

[dog eats the burger]

Ed: You see! I told you there was something wrong with Mondo Burger!

Dexter: [about the dog and the Mondo burger] He's definitely sensing something he doesn't like.

Kurt: Triampathol is WAY illegal. But I'll tell you what, it sure makes burgers nice and enormo!

Dexter: Yea, but what happens to all those nice, innocent people when they eat your "enormo" burgers?

Kurt: Uh-oh. DON'T CARE... ladies!

[Troy and Griffin rip off Ed and Dexter's old lady disguises and laugh when they see that Ed is wearing a corset underneath his]

Otis: [in Demented Hills] Do I LOOK like I came to visit? What're you doing here?

Dexter: They kidnapped US, but why'd they bring YOU here?

Otis: Because I caught those Mondo brats dumping shark poison in our sauce!

Dexter: SHARK POISON?

Ed: Wow, who'd want to hurt those innocent sharks?

Dexter: Man will you forget about the sharks? That stuff's going to hurt innocent people!

Otis: Can you get to a phone?

Dexter: There's no chance! What time is it?

Ed: Oh, I'll tell you.

[stares at his wrist]

Otis: It's 6 A.M., and Good Burger opens at 10.

Dexter: That means we've only got four hours to warn them!

Otis: But how are we gonna get out of here?

Dexter: [busted at Mondo Burger disguised as two women, get their disguises ripped off and Dexter's wearing a T-shirt and boxers, Ed's wearing a teddy, Kurt's henchmen laugh] Yeah yeah, laugh it up, but when those people find out that you've been putting illegal stuff in their food, you're going to jail!

Kurt: That's why nobody outside of this room is going to find out.

Dexter: What do you expect us to do, keep our mouths shut?

Kurt: No, I'LL shut them for you.

Dexter: Ed, run!

[Ed runs straight into a wall]

Dexter: Ed, what happened?

Ed: I just tackled this old lady.

Dexter: Alright! You're the man!

[they whoop and cheer]

Mr. Baily: EXCUSE ME? But will somebody explain WHY this is a GOOD thing?

Dexter: This is why, Mondo Burger poisoned our sauce.

Mr. Baily: How could Mondo Burger poison our sauce?

Dexter: We'll explain it to you later, right now just keep all these people from eating a Good Burger, and call the police. Come on, Ed, we're going back to Mondo Burger.

Ed: What for?

Dexter: Evidence!

Mr. Wheat: Ah, Mr. Reed. Hard at work as usual.

Dexter: I'm having my lunch.

Mr. Wheat: Well, I just got my car from the body shop and I've got to admit: It is new. Here's the receipt.

[gives Dexter the receipt]

Dexter: $2500? No. The estimate was only for $1900.

Mr. Wheat: Well, that's my young brother is why they call it an estimate. Close to, kind of, could be.

[chuckles]

Mr. Wheat: And I'll meet you in about 2 and a half monthy to get me my money. Now you have a good day at work. I'm going to have lunch at Mondo Burger. Home of the big booty burger.

[leaves]

Kurt: Listen, I can explain everything. This is all just a big misunderstand.

[Siren wails]

Kurt: I don't understand. I don't know what happened.

Dexter: Oh, sure, you do. Why don't you go on ahead and tell your little police friend that you made your big Beefy Burgers all big and beefy by using illegal food additives.

Police Officer: Is that true?

Kurt: No! He's lying! You're lying! You're full of crap!

Police Officer: Yeah? Well, why don't we just check these out, and we'll see who's lying.

Police Officer: I think you better come with us.

Kurt: Man, you're out of your minds. You're crazy, man! You know who I am? Huh?

Police Officer: Yeah, I know, I know.

[the Police officers placed Kurt Bowell under arrest and put him in the car]

Dexter: Bye-bye.

Ed: Hey, hey, remember: when you mess with Good Burger...

Dexter, Ed: you go in the grinder!

[Ed laughing]

Dexter: Oh, dog, you enjoy prison now.

Mike: Don't dig that kind of crooning, chum.

Dexter: You must be one of the newer fellows.

Mike: [Dexter is carrying a morning-after-the-night-before drink for Sam] Is that for me?

Dexter: It's for Sam, you want one?

Mike: You know how I feel about my grandmother but I'd sell her for a drink.

Dexter: Uncle Willie's in the pantry doing weird and wonderful things with healing waters. Tell him you'd like one of the same.

Mike: Can I ask for two?

Dexter: Keep going till you run out of grandmothers.

Mike: I'll be drinking a long time.

Tracy: I'm such an unholy mess of a girl.

Dexter: Oh, come on, that's not even good conversation, Tracy.

Dexter: Liz, you're in love with Connor aren't you?

Liz Imbrie: People ask the darnedest questions.

Dexter: Why don't you marry him?

Liz Imbrie: I'm gonna pretend I didn't hear that.

Dexter: I said why don't you marry him?

Liz Imbrie: He's still got a lot to learn. I don't want to get in his way for a while.

Dexter: Supposing some other girl comes along in the meantime.

Liz Imbrie: I guess I'd just scratch her eyes out. Unless that is she was marrying someone else the next day.

Dexter: You're quite a girl Liz.

Liz Imbrie: I don't know. I take nice pictures though.

Mike: I'm gonna dance.

Dexter: Don't get hurt.

Mike: Didn't you once know a girl named Tracy Samantha Lord?

Dexter: Yes, I did.

Mike: No, you didn't! If you did, you wouldn't have let her go!

Dexter: [hits Mike, turns to George] She's not your wife yet and she *was* mine you know.

[George stalks off, Dexter turns to Mike]

Dexter: Thought I'd better get in first, he's in much better shape.

Mike: You'll do.

George Kittredge: That sounds like Tracy's voice.

Dexter: No, no. It's just the night watchman.

George Kittredge: It's a woman's voice.

Dexter: Well he's a lyric tenor you see.

Mrs. Lord: George told us what happened. Your father will make an announcement.

Tracy: Oh thank you. No, no, I got myself into this, I'll get myself out. Ooh.

Dexter: Go. Go.

Tracy: [Opens the door to address the guests] Good morning

[to the organist]

Tracy: Will you stop that racket? Good morning. I'm afraid there's been a slight hitch. My fiancé that was... that is... he's decided we should call it a day and I quite agree with him and... oh Dexter help me please?

Dexter: Say "two years ago I did you out of a wedding in this house by eloping to Maryland"

Tracy: Two years ago I did you out of a wedding in this house by eloping to Maryland.

Dexter: "But I hope to make it up to you now by going through with it as originally planned."

Tracy: But I hope to make it up to you now by...

[looks at Dexter, he nods and smiles]

Tracy: by going through with it as originally and most beautifully planned.

Dexter: "So if you'll just keep your seats a moment"

Tracy: So if you'll just keep your lovely seats a moment

Dexter: "That's all"

Tracy: That's all

[shuts the door]

Tracy: . Oh Dexter, are you sure?

Dexter: No, but I'll risk it if you will.

Tracy: You're not just doing it to save my face?

Dexter: It's such a sweet old face.

Tracy: One thing's for sure. You're well rid of me.

Dexter: Oh, no, no-one can say that but me.

Mike: Have you heard the story of a boy a girl, unrequited love?

Dexter: Sounds like pure soap opera.

Mike: I may cry.

Dexter: Tune in tomorrow.

Liz Imbrie: Well, since Mike's disappeared I may as well go home.

Dexter: How about I take you home, then everybody will come looking for us.

Liz Imbrie: That's the nicest thing I've heard all night.

Caroline Lord: Dexter, are you ever going to get married again?

Dexter: Sure I am, I'm just waiting for you to grow up.

Caroline Lord: Oh Dexter, for you I'll hurry.

Dexter: You're gonna have to.

Dexter: Uncle Willy, this morning you look like a tree full of owls.

Dexter: Hey, skipper, when do we eat?

Tracy: Now.

Dexter: Boy, you've been at it long enough.

Tracy: It's bride's prerogative.

Dexter: It's just I don't like you out of my sight for so long.

Tracy: That's nice.

Mrs. Lord: This is Miss Elizabeth Imbrie and Mr Mike Macauley Connor. They're from Spy magazine.

Dexter: Spy? Say your tastes have changed a little haven't they, Sam?

Dexter: You'll find it under Harvard Classics. Just give Darwin a little nudge.

Uncle Willie: I can't find Liz.

Dexter: I think I just saw someone wander out on to the terrace. Alone.

Uncle Willie: You don't say. The little vixen!

[leaves]

Dexter: Ollie ollie oxen free!

[Liz comes out of hiding]

Dexter: What's the matter? Uncle Willie giving you a little trouble?

Liz Imbrie: That man's gonna wind up a juvenile delinquent mark my words.

Tracy: I would like to talk to you privately.

Dexter: Well now, I consider that right neighborly.

Dexter: They met in a hole in the ground.

Mike: [drunkenly] If you had really know her, you would've

[hiccup]

Mike: never let her get away. You go hiccups.

Dexter: Excuse me.

Mike: It's alright.

Dexter: [singing] You're my bon ami.

Mike: Hey, that's French

Caroline Lord: Dexter? This is Caroline.

Dexter: Hello, beautiful!

Caroline Lord: Any time now.

Louis Armstrong: You could play football in this room.

Dexter: I know, but can you rehearse?

Louis Armstrong: Is that chandelier tied tight up there?

Dexter: If it gets to swinging a little put a mute in your horn.

Dexter: Oh Sam you're slipping. That used to terrify me, the withering glance of the goddess.

George Kittredge: I have a feeling you had more to do with this than anybody. You and your whole rotten class.

Dexter: Oh class my...

Mike: grandmother!

George Kittredge: This is all your fault! You and your whole rotten class!

Dexter: Oh, class my...

Mike: ...Grandmother!

Dexter: You know... everyone's just out for himself. It was like that everywhere I went. Everyone's just... out for himself.

Dexter: I hope all your children have very small dicks! And that includes the girls!

Ron Anderson: Listen, Dexter, is there something troubling you? Something that you would like to talk to someone about?

Dexter: Well, yes, as a matter of fact there is...

Ron Anderson: Then for fuck's sake talk to someone about it, will you? And sort it out before I sack you and hire a lobotomized monkey to play your role. Okay?

Prostitute: Care for a fuck, big boy?

Dexter: No thanks, just had one.

Dexter: All these weeks I've been coming here, I've been wanting to ask you something. What I really want to know is... er, what's your name?

Kate: Kate... Lemmon. Horrid name!

Dexter: No, no, not at all. Could have been worse. Could have been called Hitler, Tampon, or something.

Dexter: God take my testicles and fry them up with bacon!

Dexter: How was your day?

Kate: Not great. A nurses's day is always pretty grisly. A woman I was with gave birth to a baby in a lift.

Dexter: Well, that was okay, er?

Kate: It would have been, but her husband slipped on the afterbirth and broke his collarbone.

Ron Anderson: You're both sacked. I give you a week's notice.

Dexter: You can't do that! I demand to talk to the producer.

Ron Anderson: I am the producer.

Dexter: In that case, you can do that but I'm not going to give you the satisfaction of sacking me because I resign!

Ron Anderson: Fine, then you get no severance pay and I sue your arse for breach of contract.

Dexter: In that case I don't resign, you total and utter bastard!

Ron Anderson: [slams the door in Dexter's face]

Dexter: I hope all your children have very small dicks! And that includes the girls!

Dexter: Please? Just dinner? Let me explain: I was a complete, total, utter idiot! I have learned my lesson completely, totally, utterly!

Kate: Just dinner?

Dexter: Promise!

Kate: What? No sex at the end?

Dexter: Well, maybe - sex? Yes! Alright, if you insist!

Mary: Well, the only other thing at the moment is a new musical that the RSC are doing.

Dexter: Er, what's it about?

Mary: The Elephant Man.

Dexter: A musical of the Elephant Man? What's it called?

Mary: "Elephant", I think - with an exclamation mark presumably.

Dexter: Pity the poor bastard who has to play the elephant.

Mary: Remember dearest, everyone thought Jesus Christ Superstar was a stupid idea.

Dexter: Jesus Christ Superstar WAS a stupid idea.

Mary: True.

Ron Anderson: [as he is being tied up by Dexter] What the hell is going on?

Dexter: I'll tell you what's going on - first you waste four years of my life! And then you take the only thing I ever really cared about!

Ron Anderson: Your bicycle?

Dexter: Vengeance shall be mine!

[Dexter is visiting Kate in her flat]

Kate: Sorry about last night, I was very tired.

[pause]

Kate: I'm less tired now, though...

Dexter: I'm not tired either.

Kate: Great! Two people... on their own... in the middle of the afternoon... and not tired!

[pause]

Dexter: Ideal circumstances for Scrabble.

Tamara: I'm not wearing any underwear.

Dexter: Is that, uh... is that... wise?

Tamara: Screw wisdom! Who wants to be wise?

Dexter: The Dalai Lama, to name but one.

Kate: [leaving Dexter] You paused after mentioning her name, to see if I reacted.

Dexter: That was your only clue?

Mr. Morrow: Do you want my advice on questions of love?

Dexter: Yes!

Mr. Morrow: My advice is: go blind. Best thing that ever happened to me. Since 1944, every girl I've spent time with looks the spitting image of Mae West.

Dexter: Why would you say that? I mean, she gave us the combo and then you say that we were going to bury her tonight. I just think that shows a lack of intelligence on your part. I just don't understand why you do that sort of thing.

Dexter: What's going on, man?

Royce: She's dead.

Dexter: What do you mean she's dead?

Royce: I mean she's not alive, man.

Dexter: You took yoga?

Royce: Yeah, man. It enhances the high.

Dexter: How'd that work out for you?

Royce: I got kicked out.

Dexter: What for?

Royce: For sportin' wood.

Dexter: [referring to Jeremy] How'd you knock him out?

Royce: I hit him with that elf thing that we broke in with.

Dexter: Gnome.

Royce: Yeah whatever. What is it, a leprechaun?

Dexter: Gnome.

Royce: You know what I mean, like that smurf thing that I hit the window with?

Dexter: Not smurf - gnome.

Royce: What are you saying, man? Why don't you just tell me? You keep saying no.

[they stare at each other and then start laughing]

Dexter: What are you doing here anyways?

Jeremy Taylor: This is my uncle's house. He'll fucking kill you, man.

Dexter: What are you talking about?

Jeremy Taylor: He killed a dude in this bathtub, right here, okay? He's a fucking ninja! He's got ninja stars, swords and shit. He just hides them down the back of his shirt. You have no idea of the reign of pain that's coming your way!

Dexter: Do you mind just shutting the fuck up for about five minutes and we'll be out of your way? Thank you.

Dexter: Quit hugging me!

Royce: I'm not hugging you! I'm trying to carry you!

[after capturing Seamus]

Royce: I've got an idea.

Dexter: What? What is that?

Royce: Liquid morphine!

Dexter: Where'd you get liquid morphine?

Royce: From my dentist! This shit will make him talk. CIA shit!

Dexter: You have a dentist?

Royce: Do you have any monkey?

Dexter: Do you mean money?

Royce: What did I say?

Dexter: You said do you have any monkey.

Royce: Monkey. Money. No man, I don't have any monkey, man.

Dexter: So you write commercials, huh?

Charles Schine: Yeah.

Dexter: I made this demo for this coffee commercial this one time. It was a fine piece of music.

Charles Schine: Really?

Dexter: Yeah.

Charles Schine: What'd they say?

Dexter: They said people who drink coffee don't like rap.

Charles Schine: That's ridiculous.

Dexter: That's what I said.

Dexter: If I could give you just one gift, do you know what it would be? Confidence. That or a scented candle.

Dexter: [referring to the back of her bathing suit] It's scooped a bit low isn't it?

Emma: Good job I didn't put it on backwards.

Emma: Your wedding invitations are scented?

Dexter: Lavender.

Emma: No, Dex, money. They smell of money.

Dexter: I'd still like to read that poetry. What rhymes with Dexter?

Emma: Prick. It's a half rhyme.

Emma: I didn't mean to call your dad a fascist.

Dexter: A bourgeois fascist.

Emma: Yeah, I'm sorry.

Dexter: Come on, everyone's lost at 25.

Dexter: Suppose you kept going another 18 billion light years, what if there's nothing out there? Suppose you kept going another trillion times further, so far out you see nothing. The light from the universe would be fainter than the faintest star. Infinitely cold. Infinitely dark. Sometimes if I wake up and it's dark, I get really scared, like I'm out there and I'm never coming back.

Erik: Here, hold onto this when you sleep. And if you wake up and you're scared, you'll say, "Wait a minute. I'm holding Eric's shoe. Why the hell would I be holding some smelly basketball shoe a trillion light years from the universe? I must be here on earth, safe in my sleeping bag, and Eric must be close by."

Dexter: Have to eat my lunch now.

Erik: Why don't you just eat whenever you're hungry?

Dexter: 'Cause if I only ate when I was hungry, I wouldn't be here.

Dexter: There's something I have to tell you. My mom likes to call me 'Sweetie'.

Erik: Ha ha ha. "Sweetie"?

Dexter: You gotta promise not to laugh.

Linda: [At dinner] You want some more carrots, sweetie?

Erik: [as Linda goes to the kitchen; while laughing] You didn't finish all your meat loaf, love muffin.

Dexter: Would you shut up?

[Looking at a Playboy magazine]

Dexter: This doesn't look like my mom.

Erik: These aren't moms. These are women. This is what they're supposed to look like.

Dexter: This is stupid.

Erik: Yeah? Well, about twenty years ago there was this guy. He noticed some mold growing on his bread and he started feeding it to people. Everybody said he was stupid. You know what it turned out to be? Aspirin!

Linda: Dexter, is Erik staying for dinner?

Dexter: Waka.

Erik: That means 'yes', white woman.

Dexter: [They are opening candy bars in the store] Are we allowed to do this?

Erik: Of course. How else you supposed to know what you're gonna get.

Dexter: You'd be crazy to stab me. My blood is like poison. One drop could kill you.

Dexter: I'm not sure I understand why you have to try all this stuff too.

Erik: Don't you know anything about scientific method?

Dexter: A little.

Erik: Well you have to have a control group, so you can see if the results are uniform.

Erik: Hey! What would you do if I come over there and whopped your ass?

Dexter: How long would that take?

Erik: 'Bout 10 seconds.

Dexter: I'd wait till you're finished and then I'd continue working on my mud fort.

Erik: You mean you'd just let me beat you up?

Dexter: I'd try to stop you but I probably wouldn't be able to, I'm not very big.

Erik: Well in that case it'd only take 5 seconds.

Dexter: So is that what you're gonna do?

Erik: Maybe later.

Dexter: Hello? You still there?

Dexter: This one is the worst yet!

Erik: My grandma says, the worse it tastes, the better it works.

Dexter: Your K-Mart clerk grandma?

Erik: ...Drink.

Erik: Hey thanks for moving in here. Now all the kids at school call me "faggot" and walk on the other side of the hall.

Dexter: I gotta live somewhere.

Dexter: Where do bugs go to the bathroom?

Erik: It's not on leaves. Not even bugs are stupid enough to shit on their own food.

Dexter: [They make a tea from some found leaves] Tastes like crap.

Erik: No shit, don't you know where bugs go to the bathroom?

Dexter: What's your name?

Angle: Angel.

Dexter: [notices her tattoo] You misspelt your tattoo. It doesn't say "Angel", it says "Angle".

Angle: Yeah, I'm aware of that now.

Erik: So they think I'm a faggot. And now all of a sudden I'm yelling the same stuff at them. Well they know I'm not a faggot, 'cause a faggot wouldn't yell "faggot" back. That's why you should've yelled "faggot" too.

Dexter: I wouldn't feel right saying that.

Erik: Why the hell not?

[Reading a Playboy magazine]

Dexter: It says she was born in 1975.

Erik: She doesn't look that old.

Erik: We really took this moron Pony to the cleaners. The money we gave him won't pay for half his gas.

Dexter: This boat is FROM New Orleans. He's on his way home.

Erik: Now what makes you think that?

[Walks to the back and peers down at the sign, "Floating Bayou, New Orleans, Louisiana"]

Erik: Shit!

Dexter: Look, if you gonna act all bitchy, I'll take you home.

Abigayle: Uh, you'll take me however I am - and don't call me a bitch.

Dexter: I did not call you a bitch.

Abigayle: Yes, you did.

Dexter: No. I didn't. I said you were acting bitchy. I wouldn't call you a bitch. I never call a woman a bitch.

Abigayle: You call your mother a bitch.

Dexter: That's my mother.

Dexter: I just want to be the first to print the news.

Dr. Elizabeth Arnold: Even if there is none.

Dexter: Is there any danger to Riverside? What about the President's train? How could a couple of hundred Indians get the idea they could overthrow the government of the United States? And where is Ruby Mountain?

Deputy Sheriff Christopher 'Coop' Cooper: Where it always has been.