Detective Sam Grunion, narrator of the story Quotes in Love Happy (1949)

Detective Sam Grunion, narrator of the story: I am the same Sam Grunion who solved the international uranium-mining swindle. Scotland Yard was baffled; the FBI was baffled. They sent for me and the case was solved immediately: I confessed.

Detective Sam Grunion, narrator of the story: Come in. Is there anything I can do for you? What a ridiculous statement.

Grunion's Client: Mr. Grunion. I want you to help me.

Detective Sam Grunion, narrator of the story: I have a little sand left. What seems to be the trouble?

Grunion's Client: Some men are following me.

Detective Sam Grunion, narrator of the story: Really? I can't understand why.

Detective Sam Grunion, narrator of the story: Here's another Broadway hopeful: Faustino the Great. For 20 years he was an organ grinder with a monkey. Then one day the monkey went on strike. He wanted shorter hours and longer bananas.

Detective Sam Grunion, narrator of the story: Mackinaw, you know I have a full record of the case, and tonight at the opening of the play you MAY have the solution, but when the curtain rises, Madam Egelichi will be in the front box, and sitting next to her will be Count B'ullabaisse - but if you take away the count's silk hat, his opera cloak and his full dress suit you'll have ME, shivering in my underwear.

Detective Sam Grunion, narrator of the story: Hey, that's not my suit you're pulling.

Detective Sam Grunion, narrator of the story: [objecting to being killed with a straight razor] This'll never do. I got a hide like an elephant. By the way, did you ever try to hide an elephant?

Ivan - Assassin in Grunion's Office: You will be dead in five minutes

Detective Sam Grunion, narrator of the story: Huh! For your information, my doctor gave me three years to live, and I don't intend to make a fool out of HIM.

[Sam Grunion tries to follow Madam Egelichi but she halts him at gunpoint]

Detective Sam Grunion, narrator of the story: Oh, no. I'm not gonna follow you and get shot. If I was half-shot I'd follow you.