Desmond Quotes in Truck Turner (1974)

Desmond: [Truck grabs a valuable statue of Desmond's] Easy! That thing cost me a lot of zuzu's, you dig?

Truck Turner: This ain't my year. Here's a pimp, patio full of whores.. I'm the one getting fucked... nah!

[smashes the statue]

Baron Munchausen: Berthold!

Desmond: The name's Desmond, mate! We're actors, not figments of your imagination! Now get a grip!

Desmond: Look at all that underwear. Isn't it beautiful? It's like a dream come true. It's the dawning of the age of lovely, intimate things.

Desmond: That kid's been stoned since the third grade

Mr. Hand: [passing back exams] 'C', 'D', 'F'. 'F'. 'F'. For three weeks we have been talking about the Platt Amendment. It was passed in nineteen-hundred and six.

[notices Spicoli's seat is empty]

Mr. Hand: Where is Jeff Spicoli? I saw him earlier today, near the first floor bathrooms, is he still on campus? Anyone?

[Desmond raises hand]

Mr. Hand: Yes, Desmond?

Desmond: I saw him outside, near the food machines.

Mr. Hand: How long ago?

Desmond: Right before class.

Mr. Hand: All right. Bring him in.

[Desmond exits]

Mr. Hand: What is this fascination with truancy? What is it that gets inside of your heads? There are some teachers at this school who look the other way at truants. It's a little game you both play. They pretend they don't see you, and you pretend you don't ditch! Now, in the end, who pays the price? YOU!

[Desmond re-enters; Spicoli follows him. He has a bagel stuffed into crotch; with open shirt, barefoot, holding Vans]

Jeff Spicoli: [Desmond re-enters; Spicoli follows with bagel stuffed into crotch; with open shirt, barefoot, holding Vans] Wait a minute, there's no birthday party for me here! Hello, Mr. Hand.

Mr. Hand: What's the reason for your truancy?

Jeff Spicoli: Just couldn't make it on time.

Mr. Hand: You couldn't, or you wouldn't?

Jeff Spicoli: See, there was a full crowd at the food lines.

Mr. Hand: Food will be eaten on YOUR time. Why are you continuously late for this class, Mr. Spicoli? Why do you shamelessly waste my time like this?

Jeff Spicoli: [long pause, but then with complete truth in his answer] I don't know.

Mr. Hand: [Mr. Hand goes to blackboard and writes the words 'I Don't Know', then underlines them]

[reciting]

Mr. Hand: I like that. 'I Don't Know.' That's nice.

[imitating]

Mr. Hand: 'Mr. Hand, will I pass this class?' Gee, Mr. Spicoli, I don't know! You know what I'm going to do? I'm going to leave your words right up here for all my classes to enjoy, giving you full credit of course, Mr. Spicoli.

Jeff Spicoli: All right!

Desmond: Why isn't there any water in your pool?

Cheyenne: I don't know... No one ever filled it.

Rafe: So you want to disown him?

Desmond: Nah, that wouldn't work. He'd just keep coming back like a zombie or something.

Desmond: We don't need someone who CAN put up with Barry. We need someone who HAS to put up with Barry. The type of person who has to put up with a never-ending stream of infantile behavior. 24 hours a day, seven days a week, for their entire life.

Kurt: A therapist!

Rafe: A wife.

Melanie Miller: Sorry they're only B-cup, but actually I can swell to a C when I'm menstruating.

Desmond: That's... disgusting.

Barry Burke: My god. I never thought I'd say this to a lady, but I can't wait until your time of the month!

Leslie - Speed Dater: [to Barry] I'm sitting across from you. I hear the words coming out of your mouth.

Desmond: [stepping between Leslie & Barry] Look, if it's any consolation, he's always like this.

Stanley: That really was something with the dancing girl, wasn't it? What exactly did all that mean?

Desmond: I'll explain it to you. Remember Lil's wearin' a sour face.

Stanley: What do you mean?

Desmond: Her face had a sour look on it.

Desmond: [interviewing a waitress who is drinking coffee and smoking] D'you ever take cocaine, Irene?

Irene at Hap's: No, I do not. I never took cocaine or any other drug. I don't take drugs.

Stanley: Nicotine's a drug. Caffeine's a drug.

Irene at Hap's: [annoyed] Who's the towhead?

Desmond: Sir, your behavior is not funny. Your attitude is wasting the bureau's valuable time.

Sheriff Cable: You're lucky I'm not wasting you.

Desmond: [into a phone] Hello?

Gordon: [shouting into the phone] CHET? IT'S REGIONAL BUREAU CHIEF GORDON COLE CALLING YOU FROM PORTLAND, OREGON.

Desmond: [into the phone] Okay, Gordon.

Gordon: [into the phone] NO, OR-AH-GON! I GOT A GIRL THAT'S BEEN MURDERED, 17-YEARS OLD, NAMED TERESA BANKS. CHET, I GOT A SUPRISE FOR YOU. ARRANGEMENTS ARE BEING MADE AND I WILL MEET YOU AT THE PRIVATE PORTLAND AIRPORT.

Desmond: [into the phone] Okay, Gordon!

[hangs up]