Derek Zoolander Quotes in Zoolander 2 (2016)

Derek Zoolander: I'm going to retire, withdraw from public life, and become a hermit crab.

Valentina: Please accept my apologies.

Derek Zoolander: None taken.

Hansel: [from trailer] OLD?

Derek Zoolander: [pronouncing the sign incorrectly] LAMÉ?

Billy Zane: Think about it, man. This could be a sign!

Derek Zoolander: What if it's a stop sign, Billy?

Derek Zoolander: Does being fat mean you're a terrible person? I'm really asking you, Hansel.

Derek Jr.: You're the most narcissistic person I've ever met.

Derek Zoolander: But that's not how I see myself.

Billy Zane: Got your Netflix!

Derek Zoolander: [Opening envelopes] Jack Ryan! and Jack Reacher! Tonight's going to be a total jack off!

Derek Zoolander: [Driving with his son, taking lots of Selfies with a Selfie Stick. The car drifts lanes and he swerves it back, sending it flying through the air until it comes crashing to a standstill] Hashtag Oops!

Derek Zoolander: I've missed not knowing things with you.

Derek Zoolander: I hope you're not apopleptic because they're going to take a lot of pictures.

Derek Zoolander: I'm sorry, I can't understand a word that you're saying.

Derek Zoolander: We're back!

Matilda: I became...

Hansel: What?

Matilda: Bulimic.

Derek Zoolander: You can read minds?

Derek Zoolander: Rufus, Brint, and Meekus were like brothers to me. And when I say brother, I don't mean, like, an actual brother, but I mean it like the way black people use it. Which is more meaningful I think.

Derek Zoolander: If there is anything that this horrible tragedy can teach us, it's that a male model's life is a precious, precious commodity. Just because we have chiseled abs and stunning features, it doesn't mean that we too can't not die in a freak gasoline fight accident.

Derek Zoolander: What is this? A center for ants? How can we be expected to teach children to learn how to read... if they can't even fit inside the building?

Mugatu: Derek, this is just a small...

Derek Zoolander: I don't wanna hear your excuses! The building has to be at least... three times bigger than this!

Derek Zoolander: I'm pretty sure there's a lot more to life than being really, really, ridiculously good looking. And I plan on finding out what that is.

Derek Zoolander: I'm sorry that good-looking people like us made you throw up and feel bad about yourself.

Derek Zoolander: But why male models?

J.P. Prewitt: Are you serious? I just told you that a moment ago.

Derek Zoolander: There was a moment last night, when she was sandwiched between the two Finnish dwarves and the Maori tribesmen, where I thought, "Wow, I could really spend the rest of my life with this woman".

J.P. Prewitt: Male models don't think for themselves.

Derek Zoolander: That's not true!

J.P. Prewitt: Yes it is, Derek.

Derek Zoolander: [meekly] Okay.

Derek Zoolander: Why do you hate models, Matilda?

Matilda: Honestly?

Hansel: Yes.

Matilda: I think they're vain, stupid, and incredibly self-centered.

Hansel: I totally agree with you. But how do you feel about male models?

Derek Zoolander: Moisture is the essence of wetness, and wetness is the essence of beauty.

Matilda: I've been trying to reach you for a week.

Derek Zoolander: A week? What, are you having a whack attack? I saw you this afternoon, dum-dum.

Matilda: That was last Friday.

Derek Zoolander: Uhh Earth to Matilda, I was at a day spa. Day, D-A-I-Y-E. Okay?

Matilda: Derek that was unbelievable!

Derek Zoolander: I know! I turned left!

Matilda: Yeah, that too, but Derek, you saved the prime minister of Malaysia!

Derek Zoolander: Oh, right, cool.

Matilda: When I was in 7th grade, I was... the fat kid in my class.

Derek Zoolander: Ew!

Derek Zoolander: [looking at the sky] Who am I?

Derek Zoolander: [phone rings] God?

Derek Zoolander: Or are you here to tell me what a bad eugoogoolizer I am?

Matilda: A what?

Derek Zoolander: A eugoogoolizer... one who speaks at funerals.

[Matilda looks at Derek confused]

Derek Zoolander: Or did you think I was too stupid to know what a eugoogooly was?

Derek Zoolander: I'm not an ambi-turner.

Hansel: I guess you can dere-lick my balls cap-E-tan.

Derek Zoolander: I can Dere-lick my own balls, thank you very much.

Derek Zoolander: Wait a minute. I might just have an idea. They'll be looking for us at Maury's right? But they won't be looking for... not us.

Brint: Or the way Hansel combs his hair?

Meekus: Or like, doesn't, it's like, ex-squeeze me, but have you ever heard of styling gel?

Brint: I'm sure Hansel's heard of styling gel, he's a male model.

Meekus: Uh, earth to Brint, I was making a joke.

Brint: Uh, Earth to Meekus, duh, okay I knew that!

Meekus: Uh earth to Brint, I'm not so sure you did cuz you were all 'well I'm sure he's heard of styling gel' like you *didn't* know it was a joke!

Brint: I knew it was a joke Meekus, I just didn't get it right away!

Meekus: Earth to Brint...

Derek Zoolander: Would you guys stop it already?

Larry Zoolander: I just thank the Lord she didn't live to see her son as a mermaid.

Derek Zoolander: Mer-man!

[high-pitched cough]

Derek Zoolander: Mer-man!

Hansel: Excuse me, bra.

Derek Zoolander: You're excused, and I'm not your bra!

Hansel: So I'm rappelling down Mount Vesuvius when suddenly I slip, and I start to fall. Just falling, ahh ahh, I'll never forget the terror. When suddenly I realize "Holy shit, Hansel, haven't you been smoking Peyote for six straight days, and couldn't some of this maybe be in your head?"

Derek Zoolander: And?

Hansel: And it was. I was totally fine. I've never even been to Mount Vesuvius.

VH1 Reporter: Derek, are you worried about Hansel?

Derek Zoolander: Uhh, not as much as I'm worried about Gretel.

[after being in a coal mine for a day]

Derek Zoolander: [high-pitched cough] ... I think I'm getting the Black Lung, Pop. It's not very well ventilated down there.

Larry Zoolander: For Christ's sake, Derek, you've been down there one day. Talk to me in thirty years.

Derek Zoolander: So join now, 'cause at the Derek Zoolander Center For Kids Who Can't Read Good And Wanna Learn To Do Other Stuff Good Too, we teach you that there's more to life than just being really, really, really good looking. Right kids?

Derek Zoolander: Well I guess it all started the first time I went through the second grade. I caught my reflection in a spoon while I was eating my cereal, and I remember thinking "wow, you're ridiculously good looking, maybe you could do that for a career."

Matilda: Do what for a career?

Derek Zoolander: Be professionally good looking.

J.P. Prewitt: The truth is male models have been assassinating world leaders for over 200 years. Abe Lincoln wanted to abolish slavery, right? Well, who do you think made the silk stockings and powdered wigs worn by our early leaders?

Derek Zoolander: Mugatu!

J.P. Prewitt: [pauses] Slaves, Derek. So they hired John Wilkes Booth to do Mr. Lincoln in. The first model/actor! Dallas. 1963. John F. Kennedy.

Matilda: Lee Harvey Oswald wasn't a male model.

J.P. Prewitt: You're goddamn right he wasn't, but the two lookers who capped Kennedy from the Grassy Knoll sure as shit were!

Derek Zoolander: You mean, you haven't...

Matilda: Done it in a while, yeh.

Hansel: Now, what's a while? Like, eight days?

Derek Zoolander: How bout I answer your question with another question; how many abo-digitals do you see modelling?

Derek Zoolander: God?

Maury Ballstein: God? What the shit are you talkin' about. It's me, Maury.

Maury Ballstein: What do we do when we fall off the horse?

Derek Zoolander: [thoughtfully looking up and mouthing the words silently] ... fall off the horse...

Maury Ballstein: [looking to supply finish] ... we... get back on!

Derek Zoolander: Sorry, Maury. I'm not a gymnast.

Derek Zoolander: Pretty soon, they'll be reading *our* eugoogaly!

Derek Zoolander: Look, I think I know what this is about and I'm complimented but not interested.

Matilda: What?

Derek Zoolander: I can't sleep with you OK? My head is killing me...

Matilda: What are you talking about?

Derek Zoolander: OK, if you just want to fool around or...

Matilda: WAIT! I don't want to sleep with you!

Hansel: Yeah, you're cool to hide here, but first me and him got to straighten some shit out.

Derek Zoolander: Fine.

Hansel: Why you been acting so messed up towards me?

Derek Zoolander: Why you been acting so messed up towards me?

Hansel: Well, you go first.

Derek Zoolander: How can we be expected to teach children to learn how to read if they can't even fit inside the building?

Derek Zoolander: You think that you're too cool for school, but I have a newsflash for you Walter Cronkite... you aren't.

Derek Zoolander: Do you understand that the world does not revolve around you and your do whatever it takes, ruin as many people's lives, so long as you can make a name for yourself as an investigatory journalist, no matter how many friends you lose or people you leave dead and bloodied along the way, just so long so you can make a name for yourself as an investigatory journalist, no matter how many friends you lose or people you leave dead and bloodied and dying along the way?

Billy Zane: Hey, Derek, back on top, man.

Derek Zoolander: Thanks, Billy. You rock.

Billy Zane: No, you rock. When you gonna drop Magnum on us, buddy?

Derek Zoolander: Not yet. You gotta tame the beast before you let it out of its cage.

Derek Zoolander: Who am I?

Derek's Reflection: I don't know.

Derek Zoolander: I guess I have a lot of things to ponder.

Hansel: The results are in, amigo! What's left to ponder?

[Derek stares at Hansel]

Hansel: Nice comeback!

Matilda: What time is it?

Derek Zoolander: Almost five.

Matilda: What? Hey, guys, that show is in three hours. Derek is dead unless we get that evidence. Do you guys...

Hansel: Whoa, whoa, easy! How 'bout a "Good afternoon, Derek and Hansel. Thanks for the freak fest last night."

Derek Zoolander: [to Winona Ryder] Look, I gotta go pee, but I'd really like to continue talking about this conversation when I come back.

Derek Zoolander: What say we settle this on the runway... Han-Solo?

Hansel: Are you challenging me to a walk-off... Boo-Lander?

Derek Zoolander: Oh, Snap!

Derek Zoolander: I just wanted to make you proud of me, pop.

Larry Zoolander: How? With your male modeling? Prancing around in your underwear with your weiner hanging out for everyone to see?

Derek Zoolander: Oh, I thought you were going to tell me what a bad eugoogalizor I am.

Matilda: What?

Derek Zoolander: A eugoogalizor, one who speaks at funerals. Or did you think I'd be too stupid to know what a eugoogoly was?

Derek Zoolander: Now if you'll excuse me, I have an after-funeral party to attend.

Derek Zoolander: Have you ever wondered if there was more to life, other than being really, really, ridiculously good looking?

Derek Zoolander: I'm sorry I was wack.

Derek Zoolander: Put a cork in it, Zane!

Derek Zoolander: What? Are you here to tell me what a bad eugoogoolizer I am?

Matilda: A what?

Derek Zoolander: A eugoogoolizer... you know one who speaks at funerals.

[Matilda looks at Derek confused]

Derek Zoolander: Or did you think I was too stupid to know what a eugoogooly was?

Derek Zoolander: Seriously, do you like service yourself ten times a day?

Derek Zoolander: For serious.

[last lines]

Derek Zoolander: Hey kids, who wants to hear a story?

Kids: Yeah!