Derek Smalls Quotes in This Is Spinal Tap (1984)

David St. Hubbins: I do not, for one, think that the problem was that the band was down. I think that the problem *may* have been, that there was a Stonehenge monument on the stage that was in danger of being *crushed* by a *dwarf*. Alright? That tended to understate the hugeness of the object.

Ian Faith: I really think you're just making much too big a thing out of it.

Derek Smalls: Making a big thing out of it would have been a good idea.

Marty DiBergi: Now, during the Flower People period, who was your drummer?

David St. Hubbins: Stumpy's replacement, Peter James Bond. He also died in mysterious circumstances. We were playing a, uh...

Nigel Tufnel: ...Festival.

David St. Hubbins: Jazz blues festival. Where was that?

Nigel Tufnel: Blues jazz, really.

Derek Smalls: Blues jazz festival. Misnamed.

Nigel Tufnel: It was in the Isle of, uh...

David St. Hubbins: Isle of Lucy. The Isle of Lucy jazz and blues festival.

Nigel Tufnel: And, uh, it was tragic, really. He exploded on stage.

Derek Smalls: Just like that.

David St. Hubbins: He just went up.

Nigel Tufnel: He just was like a flash of green light... And that was it. Nothing was left.

David St. Hubbins: Look at his face.

Nigel Tufnel: Well, there was...

David St. Hubbins: It's true, this really did happen.

Nigel Tufnel: It's true. There was a little green globule on his drum seat.

David St. Hubbins: Like a stain, really.

Nigel Tufnel: It was more of a stain than a globule, actually.

David St. Hubbins: You know, several, you know, dozens of people spontaneously combust each year. It's just not really widely reported.

Derek Smalls: We're very lucky in the band in that we have two visionaries, David and Nigel, they're like poets, like Shelley and Byron. They're two distinct types of visionaries, it's like fire and ice, basically. I feel my role in the band is to be somewhere in the middle of that, kind of like lukewarm water.

Marty DiBergi: Do you feel that playing rock 'n' roll music keeps you a child? That is, keeps you in a state of arrested development?

Derek Smalls: No. No. No. I feel it's like, it's more like going, going to a, a national park or something. And there's, you know, they preserve the moose. And that's, that's my childhood up there on stage. That moose, you know.

Marty DiBergi: So when you're playing you feel like a preserved moose on stage?

Derek Smalls: Yeah.

[David raises hand after Ian Faith quits as the band's manager]

Derek Smalls: Can I raise a practical question at this point? Are we gonna do "Stonehenge" tomorrow?

David St. Hubbins: *NO*, we're not gonna fucking do "Stonehenge"!

Derek Smalls: We're lucky.

David St. Hubbins: Yeah.

Derek Smalls: I mean, people should be envying us, you know.

David St. Hubbins: I envy us.

Derek Smalls: Yeah.

David St. Hubbins: I do.

Derek Smalls: Me too.

Derek Smalls: Remember at Luton Palace we were talking about writing a rock musical based on the life of Jack the Ripper.

David St. Hubbins: Yeah!

[singing]

David St. Hubbins: You're a naughty one...

Derek Smalls, David St. Hubbins: Saucy Jack...

David St. Hubbins: You're a haughty one, saucy Jack.

Derek Smalls: That's not to say I haven't had my visionary moments. I've taken acid seventy... five, seventy-six times.

Marty DiBergi: 76?

Derek Smalls: Yeah, so I've had my moments in the sky.

Derek Smalls: [on the phone to his solicitor] Isn't there a law against this sort of thing? Surely you can't just buy a full page ad in the music papers and publish your divorce demands.

[pause]

Derek Smalls: What do you mean 'I paid for it'?

[pause]

Derek Smalls: Joint account! Fuck! Can't we just have her killed? You know people.

David St. Hubbins: [to the Janitor] We're in the group. We're in the group that's playing tonight.

Janitor: You go right straight through this door here, down the hall...

David St. Hubbins: Yeah.

Janitor: turn right...

David St. Hubbins: Yeah.

Janitor: and then there's a little jog there, about thirty feet.

Derek Smalls: A jog?

Janitor: jog to the left...

David St. Hubbins: A jog?

Derek Smalls: We don't have time for that.

Janitor: go straight ahead...

David St. Hubbins: We trust you. We trust you.

Janitor: go straight ahead, go straight ahead, turn right the next two corners, and the first door the sign "Authorized Personnel Only"...

David St. Hubbins: Yeah.

Janitor: Open that door, that's the stage!

David St. Hubbins: You think so?

Janitor: You're authorized. You're musicians aren't you?

David St. Hubbins: We've got guitars yeah.

Terry Ladd: Yeah, listen, we'd love to stand around and chat, but we've gotta... sit down in the lobby and wait for the limo.

Derek Smalls: Ok.

David St. Hubbins: OK. Great. Duke, great to see you. Great to see you again Terry.

Derek Smalls: We'll catch up with you on the road.

Duke Fame: Cheers.

David St. Hubbins: Duke! Great to see you. See ya. See you, Duke. Good days. Good days!

[as soon as they are out of earshot]

David St. Hubbins: Fuckin' wanker.

Nigel Tufnel: What a wanker.

David St. Hubbins: What a wanker.

Derek Smalls: Total no talent sod.

Derek Smalls: We're taking a sophisticated view of sex...

Marty DiBergi: Down on a farm.

Derek Smalls: Yeah.

[Derek Smalls sets off a metal detector at the airport]

Airport Security Officer: Do you have any artificial plates or limbs?

Derek Smalls: Er, not really.

Ian Faith: I've got a small piece of bad news.

Mick Shrimpton: For a change!

Ian Faith: We're cancelled here.

Derek Smalls: At the hotel?

Ian Faith: No. The gig is cancelled.

Mick Shrimpton: Fuck.

Ian Faith: It say's "Memphis show cancelled due to lack of advertising funds."

Derek Smalls: [from DVD commentary, about Marty DiBergi] He doesn't look Italian, does he?

Nigel Tufnel: I think his real last name is DiBergarmo.

David St. Hubbins: No!

Derek Smalls: No, his real last name is DiBergowitz.

Nigel Tufnel: Yeah! DiBergowitz.

David St. Hubbins: No! He's like one of those...

Derek Smalls: Yeah, he is one of those. Check it out: DiBergowitz!