Dennis Van Welker Quotes in Camp Nowhere (1994)

Fein: Back in the 60's, some hippies came here and turned the place into a commune. You know, sex, and drugs, and debauchery.

Dennis Van Welker: Knew I'd been here before.

Gaby: Eww! You did that stuff here?

Dennis Van Welker: No... not *here*.

[Takes a step to the right and nods]

"Mud": Who's this?

Dennis Van Welker: Winston Churchill. Jimi Hendrix of the spoken word.

"Mud": Who's Jimi Hendrix?

Dennis Van Welker: Michael Jordan of the electric guitar.

Dennis Van Welker: Don't forget your pills. 4 every hour.

"Mud": Uh Dennis? that's 1 every 4 hours.

Dennis Van Welker: No way, let me see that.

[reads bottle]

Dennis Van Welker: Oh... not the first time THAT mistake's gotten me in trouble.

Dennis Van Welker: You know, back in the '60s when we said we wanted to change society, maybe we should've been more specific.

Dennis Van Welker: Do you know what the first rule of the theater is, Mud?

"Mud": No...

Dennis Van Welker: [shouts] Talk loud enough for people to hear you!

"Mud": OK... so...

"Mud": [shouts] Are you gonna help me?

Dennis Van Welker: Much better... No.

Dennis Van Welker: [some advice to Mud] Here's what you do: get lost! Disappear into the woods for five or six hours. When you show up they'll be so glad you haven't been eaten by bears, they'll forget the other stuff!

Dennis Van Welker: [quietly] Do you know what the first law of the theater is, Mud?

Morris 'Mud' Himmel: What?

Dennis Van Welker: TALK LOUD ENOUGH FOR PEOPLE TO HEAR YOU!

Karl Dell: Check or plastic?

Dennis Van Welker: Cash.

"Mud": How could you invite her over?! She's going to find out!

Dennis Van Welker: Mud, in a couple of years, two things will happen. One, you'll grow a ridiculous mustache that looks fruit mold on your upper lip. Two, you'll suddenly understand why men invite charming, attractive women to dinner.

Dennis Van Welker: [explaining Mud's firework burn] The stove's really ancient.

Dr. Celeste Dunbar: Maybe you should consider getting a microwave.

Dennis Van Welker: Oh I couldn't do that, the cat's got a pacemaker.

Trish: Wig-n-Wam? What're we doing at a car wash?

Gaby: This will never work.

Dennis Van Welker: Haven't you ever heard of a clean getaway?