Dean Proffitt Quotes in Overboard (1987)

Dean Proffitt: You know what your problem is? You are so goddamn bored, you have to *invent* things to bitch about! You don't have a single thing to do on this earth except for your hair! The closet was fine, you just needed something to fill up your useless, nail-polishing, toe-polishing, rich bitch, sun-tanning days!

[From the engine room, the crew, who have heard all of this, start cheering]

Annie: I don't belong here, I feel it, don't you think I feel it. I can't do any of these vile things and I wouldn't WANT to. Oh, my life is like death. My children are the spawn of hell, and you're the devil. Oh God.

Dean Proffitt: But baby, we LIKE you.

[Dean & Billy see Joanna's mugshot on TV]

Dean Proffitt: That's her

Billy Pratt: Who?

Dean Proffitt: THE BITCH!

Billy Pratt: [Seeing Grant leaving the hospital on TV] I can't believe he's skipping out on her

Dean Proffitt: Of course he's skipping out on her, it's his shot at freedom.

Billy Pratt: Maybe you should go down to the hospital and see if you can get some of your money back?

Dean Proffitt: Look, he's gone.

Billy Pratt: Not him, her.

Dean Proffitt: She doesn't even know who she is, you think she's gonna know who I am?

Dean Proffitt: [Dean turns around to walk away only to turn right back when he thinks of an idea]

Dean Proffitt: Billy, there is a God and he loves me!

Billy Pratt: You're not gonna shave your head, are you?

Dean Proffitt: No, i gotta go home and talk to my kids...

Billy Pratt: [interrupts] Dean, don't do this

Dean Proffitt: ...and I want you to take them shopping at the Salvation Army!

Billy Pratt: Dean, it's illegal... Dean you're crazy, you know that!

[after Joanna leaves her husband and Dean finds out all the money is hers]

Dean Proffitt: What could I possibly give you... ever... that you don't already have?

Joanna: A little girl.

Annie: Tell me something about my life, Dean, something not horrible.

Dean Proffitt: Well uh... yeah, there was that time you were working at Burger Boy, and this kid started choking on a French fry, and everybody in the place panicked, including me, except you, you knew exactly what to do. You ran over to the kid and you gave him that Heimlech, you know,

[grunts]

Dean Proffitt: and puh! The kid puked up the fry and they named you Burger Boy employee of the month. They put your picture above the cash register and everything.

Joey Proffitt: [in Pee-Wee Herman's voice] Hi, Mom. My name's Joe.

Annie: A falsetto child?

Dean Proffitt: Nah. He thinks he's Pee-Wee Herman.

Joey Proffitt: [in Pee-Wee Herman's voice] I love Pee-Wee Herman.

[Pee-Wee's trademark laugh]

Annie: Oh, a washing machine! But Dean its so expensive.

Dean Proffitt: No, shit!

Dean Proffitt: Hey hey hey guys, look who's home

Greg Proffitt: Hi Mom!

Travis Proffitt: Hi Mom!

Charlie Proffitt: [in a raspy voice] Hi Mom!

Greg Proffitt: Gee Mom, we really missed you, we're so glad you're baaaaaack!

Dean Proffitt: [Dean sticks his hand out to tell the boys to stop the dramatics]

Annie: They aren't mine...

Dean Proffitt: Oh I was sure you'd remember them!

Annie: I think I'd remember if I had 3 children...

Dean Proffitt: ...FOUR honey, don't forget little Joe!

[Joe sticks his head out the window and Annie faints after believing she had four sons with Dean]

Dean Proffitt: You jumped my bones the first night we met!

Annie: We did it on the first date?

Dean Proffitt: Couldn't call it a date really, we just did it in the parking lot of the 7-Eleven

Annie: I'm a slut

Dean Proffitt: What did you say?

Annie: Nothing

Joanna: Well, the entire civilized world knows that ALL closets are made of CEDAR.

Dean Proffitt: [in a backwoods accent] Well up here in Elk Snout ma'am see we don't know 'bout them closets, nor bathrooms neither. Shit woman, you're lucky I am house broke.

Dean Proffitt: [sees his sons gathered in a group whispering excitedly] What's this?

Annie: Travis found a girlfriend.

Joey Proffitt: Hey, Trav, don't knock her up!

Annie: [sarcastically] Very funny!

Billy Pratt: Annie, those are my underwear.

Annie: Yours?

Billy Pratt: I don't mean I wear 'em or anything. They belong to a girlfriend of mine.

Annie: But what about Gertie?

Billy Pratt: I strayed. See, I got lucky with this phone sex girl and I found one that takes personal checks; my truck doesn't have a backseat so I borrowed yours. Dean doesn't want you to tell Gertie so he's covering for me.

Dean Proffitt: [comes up to them] What's going on?

Billy Pratt: I confess. The jig is up!

Dean Proffitt: The jig IS up, Billy, I'm finally trying to tell her the truth.

Billy Pratt: I just did. See, I didn't get the name Bad Billy Pratt for nothing. I'm sorry, Annie, I got horny, do you hate me?

Annie: [smiles] No, no

[hugs him]

Annie: I'm glad you're Bad Billy Pratt!

Dean Proffitt: [singing] Zippedy Doo-Dah. Zippedy Yay. My, oh my, I got a wonderful slave.

Joanna: What's my name?

Dean Proffitt: Mrs. Annie Proffitt

Joanna: Well what's my maiden name?

Dean Proffitt: Annie Goolaheey

Joanna: ANNIE GOOLAHEY... Where in God's name did I grow up, Dogpatch?

Dean Proffitt: No, not there honey over in Goober, Idaho but it's a nuclear waste dump

Dean Proffitt: I can't talk to you with you pulled away from me. Will you please get your head out of there and look at me?

Annie: No.

Dean Proffitt: Why?

Annie: [turns over, covered in Calamie lotion] Because I'm so ugly, I got poison oak too.

[cries]

Dean Proffitt: Nobody cares what you look like, normally you look really pretty, you just don't now.

Annie: [continue sobbing] I dont even have a wedding ring.

Dean Proffitt: What?

Annie: I lost my wedding ring in the sea.

Annie: You're not leaving me here alone tonight, the kids are sick.

Dean Proffitt: Yeah and they've got Calamie lotion all over them. What do you want me to do?

Annie: I want you to take on some of your grownup responsibility.

Dean Proffitt: I earn the money, that's my grownup responsibility.

Annie: Are you aware that Joey can't read? And Travis only reads smut magazines? I can never get him out of the bathroom.

Dean Proffitt: Honey he's 13 years old! I'll build you another bathroom.

Annie: They don't need another bathroom, they need guidance from you.

Dean Proffitt: Hey hey hey, don't you worry about me and my boys, okay? We're pals.

Annie: They have enough pals, they need a father.

Dean Proffitt: I can't believe you did that.

Annie: Oh! I saw you jump so I jumped...

Dean Proffitt: No I don't mean that. I can't believe you gave all that up just for me.

Annie: I didn't.

Dean Proffitt: What? What do you mean?

Annie: Well the truth of the matter is it's all mine, the boat, the money, everything is all mine.

[Dean faints]

Annie: Dean! Dean, it's okay!

[the officer at the hospital pulls out the photos and Joanna's panties from a parcel envelope]

Cop at Hospital: Nice panties! J.S., she didn't know what that meant?

Dean Proffitt: See she wouldn't, I bought them for her at a garage sale.

Cop at Hospital: Yeah, I bought my wife a garter at a yard sale once too.

Dean Proffitt: I'm sure you did.

Dean Proffitt: Their making out their Christmas lists

Annie: Oh already?

Travis Proffitt: How do you spell Porsche?

Dean Proffitt: Well, they got me thinkin' though what can I possibly give you ever that you don't already have?

Annie: A little girl

Annie: [seeing the counterfeit photos that supposedly depict her wedding to Dean, but which are actually just expertly "merged" images which combine her gloomy "amnesia-state" photos with Dean's deceased wife's wedding photos] It's my wedding day, why do I look so annoyed?

Dean Proffitt: [thinking fast] Oh, cause your dad showed up shit faced. He threw potato salad all over my mom. It was horrible, we gotta throw him out.

Joanna: You know forks were invented so that man could at least make a pretense of separating himself from the apes.

Dean Proffitt: So were thumbs.

Joanna: What did you say?

Dean Proffitt: Nothing. It was... my stomach.

Joanna: Well try to control your bodily noises so I can hear myself think.

Annie: You... and the closet.

Dean Proffitt: That's right. This is me and I'm standing in front of the closet.

Annie: Something's familiar.

Dean Proffitt: Yeah, well... that's 'cause we used to do it in the closet.

Annie: Oh stop with the sex stories.

Travis Proffitt: [Dean knocks on the boys' clubhouse door] Who is it?

Dean Proffitt: Doctor Death, let's go!

Travis Proffitt: We're gonna go get her!

Dean Proffitt: Come on guys! Billy's friends are gonna help us!

Dean Proffitt: The best thing the doctor is to do is to take a bath and...

[yells]

Dean Proffitt: GUYS GET THE TURTLE OUT OF THE BATHTUB... and I will look for the pictures first thing in the morning.

Dean Proffitt: This one's flat, give me another one Billy!

Billy Pratt: I only got six.

Dean Proffitt: Well, I guess we better send the ol' ball and chain out to buy us more.

Annie: Hey mister, what was I doing out in the ocean?

Dean Proffitt: That's something you like to do, go fishing for oysters at night

Annie: Oysters in a cold ocean at night, doesn't sound like me!

Dean Proffitt: [Arriving home from his disastrous experience working for the Staytons, he finds Burbridge running out of his house. She is covered with toilet paper and being chased by his dogs] ... You look the morning after Halloween. Probably had a day like I did, what happened to you?

Adele Burbridge: Monday is their first day of school and I came here to WELCOME your family! And WHAT do I get in return? I get TOILET-PAPERED by your children! They were about to douse the toilet paper in GASOLINE and strike - !

Dean Proffitt: Wait. Stop. Greg and Charlie are twins, right?...

[Adele nods]

Dean Proffitt: ... They're goin' through this arson period. They don't know this, but I'm way ahead of them. I got two fire extinguishers ready to go. I didn't catch your name?

Adele Burbridge: Adele Burbridge, principal of the Elk Cove School... Your children are MONSTERS!

Dean Proffitt: Oh, you won't think that when you get to know them.

Adele Burbridge: Where is Mrs. Proffitt while all of this is going on?

Dean Proffitt: She died three years ago

Adele Burbridge: Mr. Proffitt, your children are totally lacking in parental supervision!

Dean Proffitt: Hey, you don't have to tell me these kids are lucky.

Adele Burbridge: Fine, you can joke around about it all you want, but if you don't do something, I will notify the proper authorities.

Dean Proffitt: Hey I have had babysitters in here by the dozen, I'm low on cash, I'm new in town but if I have the chance I'll hire a housekeeper!

Adele Burbridge: I'll believe it when I see it, good day Mr. Proffitt!

[drives away]

Dean Proffitt: [yelling] ... I'M A GOOD FATHER!

Travis Proffitt: Are we gonna trade her in for a new mom?

Dean Proffitt: Not if we don't blow it!

Dean Proffitt: What's going on here?

Charlie Proffitt: We're gonna get Mom back.

Joey Proffitt: We miss her.

Greg Proffitt: Yeah, she cut the crust off the bread.

Travis Proffitt: She doesn't take any of my shit either, I need discipline.

Greg Proffitt: We've got three dollars and four cents.

Charlie Proffitt: Yeah, we're gonna go rent a fishing boat and we're gonna get her back.

Dean Proffitt: Well no fishing boat's going to catch a yacht, especially at that price.

Greg Proffitt: Maybe she'll change her mind and come back.

Travis Proffitt: Oh right, doofus, she's on a yacht heading to New York!

Joey Proffitt: This is a job for Dr. Death!

Greg Proffitt: Yeah! Dr. Death could do it!

Travis Proffitt: We've got to do something, *right*, Dad?

Dean Proffitt: [home from work] Hey guys, what's going on?

Greg Proffitt: [stops playing piano] I got the part of Tiny Tim in the school play!

Charlie Proffitt: [looks up from homework] I got an A in English!

Travis Proffitt: [looks up from homework] I'm flunking math.

Dean Proffitt: Yeah well we'll work on the math after dinner.

Annie: [teaching Joey to read with comic books] You're just in time, Dr. Death's on the rampage.

Dean Proffitt: [finds Annie near catatonic] What's wrong with her?

Charlie Proffitt: She's been like that for an hour now!

Travis Proffitt: She's getting better though.

Dean Proffitt: Better?

Charlie Proffitt: Yeah she's not going

Charlie Proffitt, Travis Proffitt, Greg Proffitt, Joey Proffitt: Bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo.

Dean Proffitt: Why'd she do that?

Travis Proffitt: She destroyed the scarecrow, Dad, she ripped that sucker's head off!

Joey Proffitt: [Pee Wee Herman voice] And now she just goes bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo.

Dean Proffitt: [waves hand in front of her eyes] Hey, baby doll? What's for dinner?

Annie: [distantly] Bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo.

Dean Proffitt: Alright, I got it from here. Get upstairs.

[picks Annie up]

Travis Proffitt: Dad, you think we should trade her in for a new one?

Dean Proffitt: Nah, she'll be alright.

[takes her out to the rain barrel and dunks her in]