Dean Quotes in Kingsman: The Secret Service (2014)


Dean Quotes:

  • [Michelle's iPad plays Bryan Ferry's "Slave to Love" at the pub]

    Dean: Michelle, turn that shit off. It's burning my nuts in.

    [Michelle is about to turn off the iPad when Eggsy, now a full-fledged Kingsman agent, arrives]

    Gary 'Eggsy' Unwin: I rather like that song. Leave it on, mum.

    [Dean turns off the iPad]

    Dean: Mugsy's back. You've finally come to have that word with me, have you son? Or are you gonna run away and pretend you're gonna have another cool dress like that?

    Gary 'Eggsy' Unwin: Oh, you mean this? No. I know this bloke who's just taken over a tailor shop on Savile Row. He's given me a job, mum. Comes with a lot of perks, including a house. Come and live with me there, mum. Come on.

    [Michelle is about to stand up when Dean interrupts them]

    Dean: Sit down, you! Only place she'll be visiting is you in a fucking hospital, d'you hear?

    Michelle Unwin: Just leave him alone, Dean! Eggsy, go, please. Just go, babe.

    Gary 'Eggsy' Unwin: Alright.

    [Eggsy turns around toward the door]

    Dean: Yeah, do as mummy says. Tell that tailor friend of yours to make a nice chicken costume that'll suit your mug.

    [Eggsy stops at the front door]

    Gary 'Eggsy' Unwin: As a good friend once said: Manners...

    [Eggsy locks the left door]

    Gary 'Eggsy' Unwin: ... maketh...

    [Locks the right door]

    Gary 'Eggsy' Unwin: ... man.

    [Locks the doorknob]

    Poodle: Dean...

    Dean: Shut the fuck up. Eggsy, I'm gonna shove your manners up your fuck...

    [Eggsy hooks a beer mug with his umbrella and flings it, knocking out Dean. He then approaches the rest of the gang]

    Gary 'Eggsy' Unwin: So, are we going to stand around here all day, or are we going to fight?

  • Dean: I will not let the 12-year reputation of this fine institution be besmirched by you!

    Abby Yates: Oh, come on! Suddenly this place has a classy reputation to uphold? You're only dean now because the least dean went to jail.

    Dean: Are you saying that I'm not qualified?

    Abby Yates: You spell science with a "Y". And what's upsetting about that is I don't think you know that that's wrong.

  • Dean: I'm going to put a price on your head so big, that when you look in the mirror your reflection's gonna want to shoot you in the face.

  • Arthur Bishop: Not so good for your side.

    Dean: Those were my two best teams. Guess I'll have to send more.

    Arthur Bishop: Save the fuel. I'm coming for you.

  • Dean: The killer grows a conscience. I'd say that's a breach of professional ethics, Mr. Bishop.

  • Jerry: 673 Wongs in the phone book.

    Dean: Hmmm. Helluva lotta Wong numbers.

  • [while discussing about a prisoner's interest in a book called 'Portnoy's Complaint']

    Dean: What's he complaining about?

    Dale Twentyman: Oh, his mother, women, not enough sex. You know, the usual.

    Dean: Any good?

    Dale Twentyman: Well that would depend on whether you've spoofed all over the toothbrushes with your mother trying to bash down the bathroom door. 'Wanker's Bible', it's pretty funny.

    Dean: I'll have a go after Millenhall.

  • Dean: Oliver, you're seriously ill.

    Sir Oliver Lindenbrook: I am seriously well!

  • [in front of a church in Edinburgh after a service]

    Dean: Miss Jenny! I saw you turn pale when the Domini spoke of those in peril at the far ends of the earth.

    Jenny: Far ends of the earth - at least that would be somewhere.

  • Dean: I'm getting the losers off stage.

  • Robert: When are you getting a haircut? I've not seen your forehead in 15 years.

    Dean: With the hair again?

    Robert: You're living in the '60's.

    [He demonstrates life in the '60s with the hair and Hare Krishna thing]

    Dean: What is that? Was that the '60's?

    Robert: Yeah.

    [demonstrates slide whistle]

    Robert: It's done.

    Dean: I'm in the conga line and I'm playing a slide whistle.

    Robert: That wasn't the conga line. I was doing the Hare Krishna thing.

  • Dean: He's got the guns. Go ahead. You get them.

    Gary: Why me?

    Dean: You're supposed to be the hard case.

    Gary: [shrieks] You get the guns. I drive the car!

  • Dean: [after seeing Gary holding a candle under the house owner's feet] Whoa, whoa Kenny! What are you doing?

    Gary: I am trying to find out where they keep their money!

    Dean: You twat! Can't you see these people have got no money? They can't even afford new furniture! We've got the guns, whats the matter with you? Everytime we do a job, you have to go burning people's feet, whats wrong with you?

  • Barry the Baptist: [answering his phone] What?

    Dean: I thought you said there'd be no staff Barry!

    Barry the Baptist: Did you get those guns?

    Dean: You wanna see what they did to poor Gary?

    [calling out to a delirious Gary]

    Dean: Gary? Gary?

    Barry the Baptist: I said, did you get those guns?

    Dean: YES, WE GOT THEM!

    Barry the Baptist: Good, I'll speak to you later

    [hangs up the phone]

    Dean: Gary, if you can hear me, get back in the car now mate okay?

    [turning his attention back to Barry]

    Dean: Barry? Barry? Fucking sodding shandy-drinking bastard!

  • Dean: We're in shit. They were his fucking guns we sold.

    [Realising the guns he sold belonged to Harry]

  • Nick the Greek: Is that you, Dean?

    Dean: No, it's Lord fucking Lucan. Who do you think it is?

  • Mike O' Donnell: [meets Scarlett's date] Carnations? What a douche!

    Scarlett O'Donnell: Mark!

    Dean: That's okay, I'm a single dad. It's totally normal for son's to feel weird with their mom's date. Stepping in their dad's shoes protecting their castle.

    Scarlett O'Donnell: He's not my son.

    Dean: Oh, then that's weird.

    Scarlett O'Donnell: It is.

  • Fulton: Lil' tuneage to go to sleep by?

    Dean: Yeah.

    [Fulton turns on loud rock music]

    Dean: Sweet dreams, dude!

  • Lester Averman: Hey, is that a tattoo? Is it real?

    Dean: Get away from me.

    Lester Averman: Yes sir.

  • Dean: You know the Greeks didn't write obituaries. They only asked one question after a man died: "Did he have passion?".

  • Dean: Jonathan Trager, prominent television producer for ESPN, died last night from complications of losing his soul mate and his fiancee. He was 35 years old. Soft-spoken and obsessive, Trager never looked the part of a hopeless romantic. But, in the final days of his life, he revealed an unknown side of his psyche. This hidden quasi-Jungian persona surfaced during the Agatha Christie-like pursuit of his long reputed soul mate, a woman whom he only spent a few precious hours with. Sadly, the protracted search ended late Saturday night in complete and utter failure. Yet even in certain defeat, the courageous Trager secretly clung to the belief that life is not merely a series of meaningless accidents or coincidences. Uh-uh. But rather, its a tapestry of events that culminate in an exquisite, sublime plan. Asked about the loss of his dear friend, Dean Kansky, the Pulitzer Prize-winning author and executive editor of the New York Times, described Jonathan as a changed man in the last days of his life. "Things were clearer for him," Kansky noted. Ultimately Jonathan concluded that if we are to live life in harmony with the universe, we must all possess a powerful faith in what the ancients used to call "fatum", what we currently refer to as destiny.

  • Dean: If you want to improve, be content to be thought foolish and stupid.

  • Dean: [Lying on the grass with Jonathan, outside Sara's house] Maybe we're lying here because you don't wanna be standing somewhere else.

  • Jonathan: Maybe I am just getting cold feet.

    Dean: I'm telling you right now British women do not age well. Eight years ago she was a luscious treat, you know, she probably looked like, you know, Baby Spice, now she could look like...

    Jonathan: Old Spice.

  • Jonathan: Forget about privacy laws. You know what privacy laws do?

    Leasing Office Temp: No.

    Jonathan: They protect millionaires. You know who those millionaires are?

    Leasing Office Temp: Who?

    Jonathan: Tell him who they are. Tell him.

    Dean: Kids your age. Pimple-faced college drop outs who have made unhealthy sums of money forming internet companies that create no concrete products, provide no viable services, and still manage to generate profits for all of its lazy day-trading son-of-a bitch shareholders. Meanwhile, as a tortured member of the disenfranchised proletariat, you find some altruistic need to protect these digital plantation-owners?

    Jonathan: [reacting to Dean's speech] Wow!

    [to Temp]

    Jonathan: Come on.

  • Dean: You're the shit!

    [man next to him on plane looks over at him thinking he's talking to him]

    Jonathan: [to the guy] That would be me, the shit.

  • Dean: What's wrong? You all right?

    Jonathan: Her name's Sara Thomas.

    [Jonathan hands Dean the book]

    Dean: How?

    Jonathan: Halley gave it to me as a wedding present.

  • Dean: I hate to break up a good thing, but we have half a dozen strippers waiting for us, we're late.

    Halley: You mean exotic dancers?

    Dean: No, I actually mean strippers.

  • Bloomingdale's Salesman: So... you write for the obituary?

    Dean: Absolutely.

    Bloomingdale's Salesman: Hmm. You must be very proud.

    Dean: Uh-huh. I'm the one with the last word.

    Bloomingdale's Salesman: Not tonight.

    Dean: Yes, I am.

    Bloomingdale's Salesman: Don't think so.

    Dean: Absolutely.

    Bloomingdale's Salesman: Fat chance.

    Dean: Still talking!

    Bloomingdale's Salesman: Last line!

  • Dean: Contrary to popular New York myth the Times is not omniscient.

  • Jonathan: It's like Halley is "The Godfather Part 2".

    Dean: She's what?

    Jonathan: "The Godfather Part 2"! That was an incredible movie. Might be better than the original, alright? But don't matter how much you love "The Godfather Part 2", you still have to see the original to understand and appreciate the sequel.

  • Dean: [commenting on Jonathan's craziness] They should make pills for this stuff.

  • Dean: Excuse me, sir. You forgot your change.

    Redneck: No, that's for you, that's your tip.

    Dean: Oh, no, no, no, I insist. You take it. You obviously need this more than I do.

  • Monty: So, what do you think of Natasha?

    Dean: I think she's illegal.

    Monty: Yeah, I've made peace with that. Seriously, look at her. You know she has that Scooby-Doo tongue.

    Dean: [imitating Scooby-Doo] Ratutory rape.

  • Dean: What the hell can you do with an A. A. degree anyway?

    Monty: You can get a job substituting retarded kids or something.

  • Dean: [to Monty, regarding Calvin] No, wait a minute. You have to *get* the pussy before you can be whipped by it.

  • Monty: So are you going to talk to her or are you just gonna hope you're never forced to make an actual decision?

    Dean: I'm going with option B.

    Monty: That's my boy.

  • Dean: She really is a little bad-ass though, and fun to hang out with. Laid back. Maintenance fees are really low. I like that.

    Monty: Yeah, she's a cool chick, I'd do her. Hell, I'd probably even pay.

    [chuckles in disbelief then pauses]

    Monty: I would.

  • Dean: Too late, you're fucked!

  • Dean: [meeting new trainee Mitch] Listen, man. You got nothing to worry about.

    [pats Mitch on shoulder]

    Dean: It's just a game.

    Monty: Exactly.

    Dean: And besides, you know, if heterosexual men can't show their cocks to each other, then what the hell are we doing here?

    Monty: Amen, brother.

    Dean: [tweaking Mitch's nipple] You're adorable.

  • Dean: Calvin, what happens with every girl you're interested in?

    Monty: Nothing!

    Dean: You take 'em out, you pay for everything, and you never make a move!

    Monty: And then you go home, alone, to masturbate while you cry, using your own tears as lube...

    [cut off]

    Calvin: Ok, that was once, and I was drunk, and *it was Valentine's Day*. So back off.

  • Dean: How many times can we have the exact same conversation?

    Monty: It's like we're stuck in a fucking time paradox where neither our wisdom nor your virginity will ever escape.

  • Dean: Here we are.

    Redneck: Damn, what the hell took so long?

    Dean: Sir, you ordered two well done steaks. They take awhile to cook.

    Redneck: Yeah, well, can you bring me some ketchup. Mmm. Mmm. Nothin' sets off the flavor of a steak like some ketchup.

  • Dean: Hey, Floyd, make sure there's no bacon on the chef salad. It's against their religion.

    Floyd: Yes Masta. Right away, Masta. Ain't gon' be no, no bacon on the salad Masta.

    [while getting whipped with a towel]

    Floyd: NO! AH! NO!

    Floyd: [singing] Mm-hmm-hmm, no bacon on the salad!

  • Dean: Hey Floyd, no bacon on that salad.

    Floyd: [Looks at Dean and speaks with a southern twang] Yes massa, ain't gon' be no bacon on the salad

    [Cook starts whipping Floyd with a towel while Floyd starts singing devotional-style]

    Floyd: Oh lord, no bacon... No bacon the salad...

  • Dan: Now I'm not gonna lie to you. The job comes with more responsibility, but it offers a lot more rewards.

    Dan: You get full medical, dental,two-weeks' paid vacation, and I might add a hefty pay increase. I do pretty well.

    Dean: Cool.

    Dan: It is cool. And let's not forget the power.

    Dean: Right.

    Dan: Control. You tell people to do things, and they have to do it, or they get in trouble.

    Dan: I mean, you're in the driver's seat here. Your finger's on the button. - Think about it.

  • Natasha: Dean.

    Dean: What?

    Natasha: The old lady at Table 37 wants you to sing the birthday song for her grandson. His name is Timmy, and he's eight years old.

    Dean: [tosses a cake with Happy Birthday onto the counter from the box] I need birthday singers!

    Monty: Come on, people! We need birthday singers!

    Naomi: Fuck.

    Dean: [the gang walk toward Table 37, clapping and cheering. Dean holds out the cake and brings it to the table, spotting Timmy] There he is. There's the big winner.

    [sets the cake onto the table where Timmy is]

    Monty: [excitedly] Yeah!

    Dean: All right. Attention, guests! Today's a very special occasion. It's Timmy's eighth birthday! Big round of applause.

    [the guests cheer and applaud]

    Dean: He's earned it. He's got his whole life ahead of him. The sky's the limit.

    Dean: [singing] I don't know but I've been told.

    MontyAmyNaomiSerenaCalvin: [singing] Someone here is getting old!

    Dean: [singing, Timmy looks frightened] Good news is dessert is free.

    MontyAmyNaomiSerenaCalvin: [singing] Bad news is we sing off-key!

    Dean: [singing] Happy birthday...

    DeanMontyAmyNaomiSerenaCalvin: [point to Timmy, in unison] TO YOU!

    [Timmy starts crying in embarrassment, the waiters applaud and cheer. One of them holds up Timmy's arm and waves it in the air]

    Natasha: Look at the camera!

    [holding a camera]

    Dean: Picture time.

    [the camera snaps and we're revealed the photograph of all the waiters and Timmy posed for the picture, Timmy still cries in the background as this happens]

    Dean: All right. All right. Cry it off.

  • Dean: Please, sir. How can I make it up to you?

    Paddy: Get us some ice waters. Maybe later we'll find you other stuff to do.

    Sam: Yeah, maybe later Knuckles here will let you wash his balls!

    Sam: [beat] Oooh. Sorry. That sounded weird, didn't it?

    Dean: Four Ice Waters?

    Paddy: [Paddy glares] GO!

    Dean: Right away, sir.

  • [Dean has been led to believe the Flatbush Four are mafioso]

    Dean: I'm very sorry, sir.

    Paddy: Shut up, Dickhead! You think we give a shit about your sorries! Don't you know you're messing with Billy Bones, Archie Aces, Sammy the... the...

    Sam: the Accountant!

    Paddy: Yeah.

    Sam: Sammy the Stove! They call me that because I *cook the books*!

  • Dean: Hey, pal, if I want your opinion, I'll just beat it out of you, all right?

  • Dean: Do you have any idea how much therapy you people need?

  • Max Conners: I'll protect her.

    Dean: From what? From love?

    Max Conners: From pain.

    Dean: Love *is* pain! Life is pain. You can't protect anybody from it, it's always gonna get you. But sometimes, life could also be good. But you got to be open. You got to takes chances. You got to let go!

  • Dean: No more conning! No more! If you're gonna be my wife, you're gonna live a respectable life, chopping cars!

  • Wendy: Is it hard?

    Dean: [nervously looks at his crotch] What?

    Wendy: Getting married.

  • Dean: You gold-diggin' whore, you're already working someone else!

    [points a gun at Tensy]

    Dean: Get off of her, asshole. Get off, asshole!

    Max Conners: Don't shoot him, Dean.

    Dean: Why not?

    Max Conners: Because he's already dead.

  • Dean: Shut up, junior slut! Get over there! Ya know, you two got some brass balls in those panties, I'll give ya that. And in the few moments you have left, I wanna see some beggin' and some pleadin'.

    [points gun at Max and Page]

    Page Conners: Uh, Mom...

    Max Conners: Dean... you've got so many tells. You are not the killing type.

    Dean: Don't screw with me. I'm on a fine edge, here. Don't!

    Max Conners: [takes gun from Dean and opens it] See... no bullets.

    Dean: Fine. So I'm not that big on homicide!

  • Dean: [on a fishing boat] Look at all the fish!

    [pulls his gun out and starts shooting at the water]

    Dean: Huh, got it. This is gonna be a fun trip!

  • Page Conners: For once, she's telling the truth!

    Dean: Like I'm gonna believe the seed of Satan!

  • Dean: Marry me... again.

  • Dean: Honey! Honey! This isn't what it looks like. I... I... I swear her hair got stuck in my zipper. I-I-I-I wasn't gettin' nothin'.

  • Dean: Angela, I've changed. I've totally changed. Look, look, look! This place is crawling with prime trim; I'm barely even noticing.

  • C.D. Bales: [challenged to think of twenty jokes better than "Big Nose"] Let's start with... Obvious: 'scuse me, is that your nose or did a bus park on your face? Meteorological: everybody take cover, she's going to blow! Fashionable: you know, you could de-emphasize your nose if you wore something larger, like... Wyoming. Personal: well, here we are, just the three of us. Punctual: all right, Delbman, your nose was on time but YOU were fifteen minutes late! Envious: Ooooh, I wish I were you! Gosh, to be able to smell your own ear! Naughty: uh, pardon me, sir, some of the ladies have asked if you wouldn't mind putting that thing away. Philosophical: you know, it's not the size of a nose that's important, it's what's IN IT that matters. Humorous: laugh and the world laughs with you. Sneeze, and it's goodbye, Seattle! Commercial: hi, I'm Earl Scheib, and I can paint that nose for $39.95! Polite: uh, would you mind not bobbing your head? The, uh, orchestra keeps changing tempo. Melodic: Everybody. He's got...

    Everyone: [singing] The whole world in his nose!

    C.D. Bales: Sympathetic: aw, what happened? Did your parents lose a bet with God? Complimentary: you must love the little birdies to give them this to perch on. Scientific: Say, does that thing there influence the tides? Obscure: whoa! I'd hate to see the grindstone. Well, think about it. Inquiring: when you stop to smell the flowers, are they afraid? French: saihr, ze pigs have refused to find any more truffles until you leave! Pornographic: finally, a man who can satisfy two women at once! How many is that?

    Dean: Fourteen, Chief!

    C.D. Bales: Religious: the Lord giveth... and He just kept on giving, didn't He? Disgusting: Say, who mows your nose hair? Paranoid: keep that guy away from my cocaine! Aromatic: it must wonderful to wake up in the morning and smell the coffee... in Brazil. Appreciative: Oooh, how original! Most people just have their teeth capped.

    [he pauses, pretending to be stumped, while the crowd urges him on]

    C.D. Bales: All right. Dirty: your name wouldn't be Dick, would it?

  • Paramedic: I only got room for one of you.

    Dean: I'm the father...

    Patrick: I'm the boyfriend...

    Mitch: [points to Dean] I'm HIS boyfriend.

    Paramedic: That's nice, but I still only got room for one of you.

  • Mary: So everything that doesn't fit into some stupid idea of what you think God wants you just try to hide or fix or get rid of? It's just all too much to live up to. No one fits in one hundred percent of the time. Not even you.

    Pastor Skip: I know that, Mary.

    Dean: I know in my heart that Jesus still loves me.

    Mary: Why would God make us all so different if he wanted us to be the same?

  • Mary: Dean! What are you doing here?

    Dean: I'm going to my Prom.

    Mary: Mercy House let you guys take the van?

    Dean: Well no not really, we sort of led a rebellion and swiped it. You're pregnant?

    Mary: I wanted to tell you...

    Dean: Our first time?

    [Mary nods]

    Dean: That's so awesome.

  • Dean: We've been kicked out of our homes, we've been kicked out of our schools, and now we're being kicked out of Mercy House - there's nowhere left for us to go!

  • Dean: Natalie! I was wondering, if you were driving 55 miles per hour and you collided with a runaway train, would it make ANY improvement on your face?

  • Dean: Charles, you spasticated idiot.

  • Dean: Les, that license in your wallet, that's not an ordinary piece of paper, that is a driver's license, and its not only a driver's license, it's an automobile license, and it's not only an automobile license, it's a license to live, a license to be free, a license to go wherever, whenever and with whomever you choose.

  • Dean: If you're lucky she'll bite.

  • Dean: Could you take the car out of neutral? We just got passed by a street sweeper.

  • Mr. Anderson: I'm making some room for the old boat. Want to help, Dean?

    Dean: I'd love to, Mr. Anderson. But I just remembered.

    [Pretends to cough]

    Dean: I'm allergic to, uh...


    Dean: ...dust and cardboard boxes.

  • Dean: Les, to live in fear is not to live at all.

  • Dean: Get the juicehead to pull over.

  • Dean: Archie's come back! Come baaaaaaaaaaack!

  • Jesse Fisher: You know, he said the purpose of fiction was to combat loneliness.

    Dean: That's good. I never heard that.

    Jesse Fisher: Yeah. Well, on the other hand, spending most of your time with an 1,100-page book tends to put a dent in your social life.

    Dean: Yeah. Loneliness simultaneously increased and decreased.

  • Dean: I just can't get around the fact that I'm, like, aggressively unhappy here.

  • Dean: [as Brad walks out of the bar] There he goes... Johnny Horsecock.

  • Dean: [Looking at Cindy through the office window] Damn! She work here?

    Joel: Yes, she's a temp.

    Dean: She's a tramp?

    Joel: "Temp!"

  • Dean: That's how we're gonna solve all our modern problems. Wisdom of the ancients.

  • Dean: You should try smoking a little pot.

    Joel: That's a drug.

    Dean: It's not a drug. It's a flower.

  • Dean: [Comes into in Joel's office. He sees Cindy for the first time and is dumbfounded. Turns to Joel] Oh, damn! Goodness.

    [Back to Cindy, warmly shakes hands with her]

    Dean: Hi. Dean. Entrepreneur, spiritualist, healer.

  • Dean: You know, I'm starting to think this might have been a mistake.

    Joel: Really?

    Dean: Maybe it was my fault, you know?, maybe it was your fault.

    Joel: No, it's yours.

    Dean: A lot of blame to go around here. I think there are some people who just aren't meant to do drugs, *Joel*. I think you're one of those people, man.

  • Dean: You need to take some Xanax.

    Joel: Xanax? Isn't that for anxiety?

    Dean: It's good for all psychological problems in the DSM-IV. Xanax basically just makes you feel good. That's why it works for *everything*. I take it for the common head cold!

  • Dean: There are ways, ancient ways from Aztec times of getting your wife to cheat on you, if that is what you need.

    Joel: Let's hear it.

    Dean: You hire a gigolo to have an affair with your wife.

  • Dean: You know, I think I'm going blind.

    Mel: Well we both know what caused that, I think.

  • Alex: What do you want, Dean?

    Dean: What do I want?

    Alex: Yes, it's a simple question. What do you want?

    Dean: That is not a simple question.

  • Optometrist: You have amblyopia.

    Dean: Yes.

    Optometrist: You didn't mention it in your medical history form.

    Dean: I didn't want to brag.

  • Dean: I've never understood the appeal of a big wedding.

    Alex: I do. I want a huge wedding. Big flower arrangements. All my family and friends. Big band playing. If I ever love somebody that much, I want to shout it to the world.

    Dean: You ever come close?

    Alex: No. Well, maybe once.

    Dean: You don't mean me.

    Alex: You want to know the truth? I've been with a lot of guys in my life. I've even lived with a few of them, but none of them compared to you. It's gotten so bad that no matter where I go in the world, I find myself looking for you.

  • Emily Klein: This is kinda fun. How many more are there?

    Dean: Huh, above thirty thousand.

    [Meghan chuckles]

  • Dean: You told us to bring him here.

    Kranski: Not in the trunk, asshole.

  • Dean: I gotta take a dump.

  • Virgil Cole: Well, Dean, go back to Mr. Bragg and report that we ain't too frightened.

    Dean: Mr. Bragg ain't gonna like that you hit me.

    Virgil Cole: I don't guess you liked it all that much yourself, Dean.

    Dean: You're damn right.

    Virgil Cole: So you and Mr. Bragg can commi... What word am I trying for?

    Everett Hitch: "Commiserate?"

    Virgil Cole: You and Mr. Bragg can commiserate each other.

  • Dean: In my experience, the prettier a girl is, the more nuts she is, which makes you insane. You're probably nutty, coo-coo crazy. It's not your fault, you know? Just like, everybody treats you different, you know? Like, you make jokes and they're not funny, but people laugh anyway. That's gotta make you nuts.

    Cindy: I like how you can compliment and insult somebody at the same time, in equal measure.

  • Dean: Baby, you made a promise to me, okay? You said, "for better or worse." You said that. You said it. It was a promise.

    Cindy: I'm sorry.

    Dean: Now this is my worst, okay? This is my worst. But I'm gonna get better. You just gotta give me a chance to get better.

  • Dean: I feel like men are more romantic than women. When we get married, we marry, like, one girl, 'cause we're resistant the whole way until we meet one girl and we think, "I'd be an idiot if I didn't marry this girl. She's so great." But it seems like girls get to a place where they just kinda pick the best option... "Oh he's got a good job." I mean they spend their whole life looking for Prince Charming and then they marry the guy who's got a good job and is gonna stick around.

  • Dean: I don't know. I feel like I should just stop... You know, just stop thinking about it, but I can't. Maybe I've seen too many movies, you know, love at first sight. What do you think about love at first sight? You think you could love somebody by just looking at them? But the thing is, man, I felt like I knew her.

  • Dean: Look, I didn't want to be somebody's husband and I didn't want to be somebody's dad. That wasn't my... goal in life. For some guys it is - wasn't mine. But somehow, I've... it was what I wanted. I didn't know that and it's all I wanna do. I don't want to do anything else. That's all I want to do. I work so I can do that.

  • Dean: Tell me how I should be. Just tell me. I'll do it.

  • Dean: We're inside a robot's vagina

  • Dean: In my experience, the prettier a girl is, the more nuts she is... which makes you insane. You're probably nutty coo coo crazy.

  • Dean: [Having dinner in the Future room] You're not gonna eat that?

    Cindy: Why don't you do something?

    Dean: What do you mean?

    Cindy: I don't know.

    Dean: What does that mean, "why don't I do something?"

    Cindy: Isn't there something you wanted to do? Isn't there something you wanna do?

    Dean: Like what?

    Cindy: I don't know. You're good at so many things. You could do anything you wanted to do, you're good at everything that you do. Isn't there something else you wanna to do?

    Dean: Than what? To be your husband, to being Frankie's dad? What do you want me to do? What-what-what... in your, like, dream scenario of me, like, doing what I'm good at, what would that be?

    Cindy: I don't know. I just... you're so good at so many things. You can do so many things. You have such capacity.

    Dean: For what?

    Cindy: I don't... you can sing, you can draw, you can...


    Cindy: dance.

    Dean: [Exhales] Listen, I didn't wanna be somebody's husband, okay? And I didn't wanna be somebody's dad. That wasn't my... goal in life. For some guys it is - wasn't mine. But somehow I've... it was what I wanted. I didn't know that. And it's all I wanna do. I don't want to do anything else. That's what I want to do. I work so I can do that.

    Cindy: I'd like to see you have a job where you don't have to start drinking at 8 o'clock, in the morning, to go to it.

    Dean: No, I have a job that I *can* drink at 8 o'clock in the morning. What a luxury... you know? I get up for work, I have a beer, I go to work, I paint somebody's house - they're excited about it. I come home, I get to be with you. What's... Like, this is the dream.

    Cindy: Doesn't it ever disappoint you?

    Dean: Why? Why would it disappoint me? I could still do whatever I could do.

    Cindy: [Over Dean] Because you have all this potential.

    Dean: So what? Why do you have to fucking make money off your potential?

    Cindy: Look, I'm not even saying you have to make money off it. Do you miss it?

    Dean: [Over Cindy] What does potential mean? What does even potential mean? What does that mean "potential"? Potential for what? To turn it into what?

    Cindy: We rarely sit down and have an adult conversation because every time we do... you take what I say and turn it around into something that I didn't mean. You just... twist it. Start blabbing. Blah-blah-blah-blah-blah.

    Dean: If you're not interested in what I have to say, then maybe I just shouldn't say anything.

    Cindy: [laughs]

  • Dean: What's your name?

    Cindy: Go away.

    Dean: "Go away"? That's a weird name.

  • Dean: I can't really sing. I have to sing goofy, in order to sing. I have to sing stupid.

  • Dean: [long silence before Dean speaks] You know, it's not just us, we got a little girl we gotta think about.

    [breaks into tears]

    Cindy: I know... I... I can't do this anymore.

    Dean: You're just thinking about yourself. What about Frankie? You want her to grow up in a broken home? Is that what you want?

    Cindy: I am thinking about Frankie.

    Dean: You're not thinking about Frankie.

    Cindy: I am thinking about Frankie.

    Dean: No, you're not. Is this how you want her to grow up?

    Cindy: I don't want her to grow up in a home where her parents treat each other like this.

    [Dean cries and hits the wall four times]

    Cindy: Don't.

    Dean: I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Baby, I'm sorry.

    Cindy: [Cindy sobs] I can't do this anymore.

    Dean: I know. Baby, I'm just fighting, you know? Fighting for my family. I don't know what to do. I don't know what else to do.

  • Dean: Can I talk to you for a second?

    Cindy: Why?

    Dean: You think I stole that money, don't you? Yeah, you do.

    Cindy: No.

    Dean: Look, I've stolen money before, okay, I know what it's like to get busted. That's what it feels like. I didn't steal it. I've got a job. Okay? This is my job.

    Cindy: Okay, I got it.

    Dean: I make money. Money I can take girl's out to dates with. Just so you know.

  • Dean: What are you doing?

    Cindy: What does it look like I'm doing?

    Dean: Gettin' all wet and naked.

  • Dean: Don't say stuff you can't take back.

  • Cindy: [flashback to their wedding day] What are you thinking about?

    Dean: I wish they would hurry up so you can't change your mind. Let's go, let's go, let's go.

  • Dean: I can't really sing. I have to sing goofy, in order to sing. Like, I have to sing stupid. OK?

    [plays "You Always Hurt The One You Love" on a ukulele and sings, while Cindy tap dances]

    Cindy: You're actually good.

  • Cindy: ...I found Megan.

    Dean: How many times did I tell you to lock the fucking gate?

  • Dean: Babe, that's how they laugh in the future!

  • Cindy: They're old. Would you wanna live like that?

    Dean: What, in that home? Well, no. But I'm not getting old. And he's a dummy for dying.

  • Dean: Cindy... come here... I may... or may not... have fallen down...

  • Cindy: What are you doing here?

    Dean: Oh, you're awful friendly right now, aren't you?

    Cindy: I'm just surprised to see you.

    Dean: Oh, is this where all the smiles happen? This the smile room, huh? Take off, you leave me, you don't tell me what's going on. I was so God-damned worried, I thought something might've happened to Frankie. I don't know what the hell happened.

  • Dean: [slurred speech] Look, okay, I know everything got fucked up last night, okay?

    Cindy: I can't believe you show up here, drunk.

    Dean: Hey, I'm talking to you. Hey, I know that...

    Cindy: Can you drive?

    Dean: What?

    Cindy: I said, can you drive?

    Dean: What do you mean? What kind of question is that? Of course I can drive. I know how to drive.

  • Dean: You don't even care if I, fucking, can drive. You'd love it if I got in a God-damned accident, wouldn't you?

    Cindy: Yeah, I'd love it. I'd just love it. You're so right. You're so right about everything.

    Dean: Huh? That's the point. You don't have any God-damned time anymore. It all goes to this fucking place. And these fucking people don't give a shit about you, do they? Hey!

  • Dean: Hey, come here for a second or I'm gonna come in there. I'm gonna come in. Alright... I'm coming.

    [follows Cindy back into centre]

  • Dean: [Dean points to his jaw] You gonna hit me? Are you gonna hit me? Are you gonna hit me?

    Cindy: No, I'm not gonna hit you. You're the bad guy, not me, asshole.

  • Cindy: You know what, this is why I don't talk to you. You go from here to here, in no time at all.

    Dean: No, this is why, this is why you're talking to me - because I'm here. This is the only reason you're talking to me.

  • Dean: Be a man, what is that shit? You want me to be a man? I'll go be a man.

    [tosses equipment in the room]

    Dean: Is this what a man does?

  • Dean: I'm gonna hit you in five seconds. I'm gonna hit you in five seconds if you don't get out of here. I'm gonna hit you in five seconds!

    [Doctor Feinberg gives orders to Mimi to call the police]

    Dean: Five! Four! Get out! Get out! Three... Two!

    Dr. Feinberg: Think about your wife, will you? Think...

    [Dean punches Doctor in the face]

  • Dean: What the fuck is the matter, you got a glass jaw or something? You can't take one hit? It's one hit.

    [Doctor collapses back on the floor]

  • Cindy: [speaking about Cindy's ex-boyfriend] I wish you'd seen him so you wouldn't feel so bad. He's fat.

    Dean: What do I care?

    Cindy: I don't know.

    Dean: What do I care if he's fat or not? What does that mean? Make me feel better?

    Cindy: I don't know, 'cause he's a loser.

    Dean: What does that have to do with me? Whether he's a loser or he's fat or not. What the fuck do I care?

    Cindy: I don't... What?

    Dean: What are you saying that for? That it would make me feel better, he's fat? So what? If he's in good shape then I wouldn't, I shouldn't feel good?

    Cindy: I said the wrong thing. I'm nervous. Okay?

    Dean: What do you mean you're nervous?

    Cindy: [stammers] I feel funny. Because you feel funny.

    Dean: You're nervous because I feel funny? What does that mean?

    Cindy: Yes. I feel like I said the wrong thing. I feel like I shouldn't have said anything.

    Dean: Really, that's an option? You run into Bobby Ontario and it's an option not to tell me?

    Cindy: I feel like you're upset and I upset you. And I'm sorry. And I said the wrong thing.

    Dean: Baby... You do whatever you want.

    Cindy: Okay. I'm sorry.

    [holds Dean's hand, but he brushes it away]

  • Dean: You ever get that feeling?

    Marshall: Yeah, like, you've seen her before and you just know her.

    Dean: Yeah.

    Marshall: It's a feeling. But, actually, you really don't know her.

    Dean: I probably... I don't right?

    Marshall: That's right.

    Dean: It felt like I did, though.

  • Dean: She just seems different. You know? I don't know.

    Marshall: Wait. How different?

    Dean: I don't know I just got a feeling about her. You know when a song comes on and you just gotta dance?

  • Dean: Tell me a joke.

    Cindy: So there's a child molester and a little boy walking into the woods. The child molester and the little boy keep walking further and further. And it's getting darker and darker. And they're going deeper and deeper into the woods. And the child molester... The little boy looks at the child molester and he says, "Gee, mister! I'm getting scared." And the child molester looks down at him and says, "You think you're scared, kid? I gotta walk outta here alone."

    [Dean shakes his head]

    Cindy: You don't think that's funny?

    Dean: No.

    Cindy: I do.

  • Dean: If there is a higher power, why is it He can't get you a new sweater?

    Jamie: He's too busy looking for your brain.

  • Jamie: [Speaking to someone else] This is a star frame and it will help you locate stars and planets with your naked eye. Mercury and Jupiter can be seen just over the west south west of the horizon after sunset.

    Dean: Bet you can see angels up there flying around.

    Jamie: In fact, there are some things that they call miraculous. Einstein said the more he studied the universe, the more he believed in a higher power.

    Dean: Well, if there is a higher power, then why is it he can't get you a new sweater?

    [His friends laugh]

    Jamie: He's too busy looking for your brain.

    Eric: Ohhhhh, dayaaaaam!


  • [first lines]

    Dean: Is he here yet?

  • Jimmy: What've we got for dinner?

    Dean: Toast.

  • Roberto Sarno: True beauty is the highest currency we have. Without it, she would be nothing.

    Dean: I think you're wrong.

    Roberto Sarno: Excuse me?

    Dean: I said, I think you're wrong.

    Roberto Sarno: So are you gonna tell me that it's what's inside that counts?

    Dean: Yeah, that's exactly what I think.

    Roberto Sarno: Well I think, that if she wasn't beautiful... you wouldn't have even stopped to look.

  • Jesse: When I was a kid, I would sneak out to the roof at night; I thought the moon looked like a big round eye. And I would look up and I'd say, "Do you see me?". Ya know, I'd stay out there for hours. Sometimes I'd fall asleep, just dreaming.

    Dean: About what?

    Jesse: What I would be.

    Dean: What was that?

    Jesse: I could never figure it out.

  • Roberto Sarno: Dean, we're having a little debate over here we need your expertise.

    Dean: Okay.

    Roberto Sarno: You know Gigi Right?

    Dean: Well - I mean, we just met.

    Roberto Sarno: [reffering to Gigi] Will you stand up so that he can take a look at you? Go on, stand up.

    [Gigi stands up]

    Roberto Sarno: Well...

    Dean: Well what?

    Roberto Sarno: What do you think? You think she's beautiful?

    Dean: I don't know - I mean, yeah I guess she's fine.

    Roberto Sarno: Yes yes, that's exactly the word I was looking for. She's fine! Right?

    [Roberto touches Gigi's right arm]

    Roberto Sarno: You can sit down now, thanks. Thank you Dean.

  • Dean: [Charlie walks in the door and Dean hits him] You motherfucker! Now, lets see what kind of soldier you are sheriff.

    [Hits his head into the ground]

    Dean: One! That was beautiful form sheriff!

    [Smashes his head into the ground more]

    Dean: Two! Halfway doesn't count dick head.

    [Smashes his head again]

    Dean: Three! Is that all you got, is that all you fucking got

    [Continually smashing his Charlie's head into the ground]

    Dean: You killed my girlfriend! Fuck you asshole, Fuck YOU! -


    Dean: My money says your not goin' anywhere.

    [Hits his head into the ground once more, Charlie spits out blood and teeth, Dean then hears the sound of the Chainsaw]

  • Bailey: Normal guys would die for this.

    Dean: I'm just distracted.

  • Dean: Professor Brown... you see... is a homosexual.

  • Dean: I'm very strong, you know.

  • Mary Riggs: The coffee is fine. I love the cream.

    Dean: Yes. Well, this is New England, of course.

  • Dean: She has her own weekly news show. It's called "The World in Vision."

    Kate Reynolds: [correcting Dean] "In Focus."

    Dean: Excuse me, "The World In Focus."

    Kate Reynolds: Or out of focus, as the case may be.

  • [last lines]

    Dean: Can you just leave me and get jane out of here!

    Sophie: We're not leaving you!

  • Dean: I've got something for you fucking slag

  • Dean: The highway's mine.

  • Administrator: [First Line]

    Administrator: Carol Blackman, happened just last night.

    Dean: An autopsy was performed?

    Administrator: Yes... Tiffany Lee, Two weeks ago.

    Dean: Same as the other one?

    Administrator: Yep, stabed and dumped in an alley.

Browse more character quotes from Kingsman: The Secret Service (2014)