Deadpool Quotes in Deadpool (2016)

Deadpool: From the studio that inexplicably sewed his fucking mouth shut the first time comes five-time Academy Award viewer, Ryan Reynolds in an eHarmony date with destiny. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you... me! Deadpool.

Deadpool: [to the audience] I know right? You're probably thinking, "Whose balls did I have to fondle to get my very own movie"? I can't tell you his name, but it rhymes with "Polverine."

[In an Australian accent]

Deadpool: And let me tell you, he's got a nice pair of smooth criminals down under.

Deadpool: [Commenting on her shaved head] Ripley, from Alien 3!

Negasonic Teenage Warhead: Fuck, you're old.

Deadpool: [cackles] Fake laugh. Hiding real pain. Go get Silver Balls.

Negasonic Teenage Warhead: You guys going for a bite? Early bird special?

Deadpool: Oh, like there's something wrong with eating before sundown or saving money. No, you know that bad guy that you let go? He's got my girl. You're gonna help me get her back.

Colossus: [voice from inside the mansion] Wade, is that you?

Deadpool: Yeah, it's me, Deadpool, and I got an offer that you can't refuse. I'm gonna wait out here, okay? It's a big house. It's funny that I only ever see two of you. It's almost like the studio couldn't afford another X-Man.

Colossus: You will come talk with Professor Xavier.

Deadpool: McAvoy or Stewart? These timelines can get so confusing.

Deadpool: [to Colossus] Listen, the day I decide to become a crime-fighting shit swizzler, who rooms with a bunch of other little whiners at the Neverland Mansion of some creepy, old, bald, Heaven's Gate-looking motherfucker... on that day, I'll send your shiny, happy ass a friend request!

Deadpool: And you are?

Negasonic Teenage Warhead: Negasonic Teenage Warhead.

Deadpool: Negasonic Teenage... what the shit? That's the coolest name ever!

Deadpool: Now, I'm about to do to you what Limp Bizkit did to music in the late 90s.

Deadpool: A fourth wall break inside a fourth wall break? That's like, sixteen walls.

Blind Al: Looks aren't everything.

Deadpool: Looks ARE everything! Ever heard Dave Beckham speak? It's like he mouth-sexed a can of helium. You think Ryan Reynolds got this far on a superior acting method?

Blind Al: Love is blind, Wade.

Deadpool: No. You're blind.

[Wastes two bullets on the corpse of a goon who shot him in the ass]

Deadpool: Ugh, stupid, stupid. Worth it!

Deadpool: [farts] Hashtag drive-by.

Deadpool: [chasing a crippled henchman on a zamboni] That's right! You're about to be killed by a zamboni!

[beat]

Deadpool: Tell me where your fucking boss is or you're going to die! In five minutes!

Deadpool: [waving his broken wrists] All dinosaurs feared the T-Rex!

Deadpool: I should've come and found you sooner, but the guy under this mask, he ain't the same one that you remember.

Vanessa Carlysle: You mean this mask?

[takes off mask to reveal cheap paper mask of Wolverine]

Deadpool: And this one, in case the other fell off.

[she peels off the mask]

Vanessa Carlysle: Wow.

Wade Wilson: Yeah.

Vanessa Carlysle: After a brief adjustment period and a bunch of drinks, it's a face... I'd be happy to sit on.

Deadpool: You're probably thinking, "My boyfriend said this was a superhero movie but that guy in the suit just turned that other guy into a fucking kabab!" Well, I may be super, but I'm no hero. And yeah, technically, this is a murder. But some of the best love stories start with a murder. And that's exactly what this is, a love story. And to tell it right... I gotta take you back to long before I squeezed this ass into red spandex.

Deadpool: Time to make the chimi-fuckin'-changas.

[from leaked test footage]

Deadpool: Crime's the disease, meet the cure. Okay, not the cure, but more like a topical ointment to reduce the swelling and itch. Hi, Tom!

Deadpool: [to Angel Dust] You're a lovely lady, but I'm saving myself for Francis. That's why I brought him.

Colossus: I prefer not to hit a woman, so please...

[Colossus charges at Angel... who decks him and sends him flying]

Deadpool: I mean, that's why I brought her?

[points at Negasonic Teenage Warhead, who is busy on her phone]

Deadpool: Oh, no, finish your tweet. It's not... That's... Just give us a second. Yeah. There you go. Hashtag it. Go get her, tiger.

[Negasonic Teenage Warhead attacks Angel Dust with a fiery explosion]

Deadpool: Oh, I so pity the dude who pressures her into prom sex.

Deadpool: Whatever they did to me made me totally indestructible... and completely unfuckable.

Deadpool: [as Angel Dust walk towards them] Finish fucking her the fuck up.

Colossus: Language, please.

Deadpool: Suck a cock.

[Thugs surround the SUV that Deadpool attacked. A window opens... ]

Deadpool: [raises his hands] Wait! You may be wondering, "Why the red suit?" Well, that's so bad guys can't see me bleed.

[points at a thug on the left]

Deadpool: This guy's got the right idea. he wore the brown pants.

[repeated line]

Deadpool: Maximum effort.

Deadpool: [Shoving car's cigarette lighter into goon's mouth] I've never said this to anyone before, but don't swallow!

[Fires at Ajax multiple times and misses]

Deadpool: Bad Deadpool!

[Shoots another bad guy in the head]

Deadpool: Good Deadpool.

Deadpool: I didn't just get the cure to el cancer, I got the cure to el everything.

[after shooting three people in the head with one bullet, inhales the smoke from his own guns]

Deadpool: Ahhhh. I'm touching myself tonight.

Deadpool: [his head smashed into back of driver's seat] Rich Corinthian leather.

Deadpool: [Punches Colussus in the groin, breaking his hand] Ahhh! Your poor wife!

[from leaked test footage]

Deadpool: There's no easy way to say this... I'm pregnant, Trevor!

Deadpool: Listen Al, if I never see you again, I want you to know that I love you very much. I also buried 1,600 kilos of cocaine somewhere in the apartment - right next to the cure for blindness. Good luck.

Weasel: [to Blind Al] Wanna get fucked up?

Deadpool: Daddy needs to express some rage.

[starts firing his guns]

Dopinder: Uh, why the fancy red suit, Mr. Pool?

Deadpool: Oh, that's because it's Christmas Day, Dopinder. And I'm after someone on my naughty list. I've been waiting one year, three weeks... six days and, oh... 14 minutes to make him fix what he did to me.

Dopinder: And what did he do to you, Mr. Pool?

Deadpool: This shit...

[lifts his mask halfway showing his scarred face]

Deadpool: Boo!

[in the midst of a car crash]

Deadpool: Shit. Did I leave the stove on?

Deadpool: [to Colossus] Tell Beast to quit shitting on my lawn!

Deadpool: [shot in the butt] Right up Main Street.

Deadpool: I didn't ask to be super, and I'm no hero. But when you find out your worst enemy is after your best girl, the time has come to be a fucking superhero.

Colossus: You've been warned before, Deadpool. This is a shameful and reckless use of your powers. You will both be coming with us.

Deadpool: Look, Colossus, I don't have time for the goody two-shows bullshit right now!

Deadpool: [In the middle of a fistfight] Have you seen this man?

[holds up a crude crayon drawing of Francis]

Deadpool: [Ripping his own underwear out of his pants to make a white flag] Look away! LOOK AWAY CHILD!

Deadpool: Okay guys, I only have twelve bullets, so you're all going to have to share!

Deadpool: LOOK! I'm a teenage girl, I'd rather be anywhere than here! I'm all about long sullen silences, followed by mean comments, followed by more silence! So what's it gonna be: long sullen silence or mean comment? Go on, take your pick.

Negasonic Teenage Warhead: ...You got me in a box here.

Deadpool: AH-HAA!

[from leaked test footage]

Deadpool: [singing to Hollaback Girl on the radio] I heard that you were talking shit / And you didn't think that I'd hear it / People hear you talking like that, getting everybody fired up... This my shit, this my shit / This shit is bananas, B-A-N-A-N-A-S...

Deadpool: How's the Kullen coming along? Ikea doesn't assemble itself, you know.

Blind Al: You're telling me. I don't mind the Kullen. It's an improvement on the Hurdal.

Deadpool: Please. Anything's an improvement over the Hurdal. I'd have taken a Hemnes or a Trysil over a Hurdal.

[sighs]

Deadpool: No, I didn't get excited until I saw the Kullen.

Blind Al: Screw, please.

Deadpool: Here? Now? Just kidding. I know it's been decades.

Blind Al: You'd be surprised.

Deadpool: Pretty grossed out.

Deadpool: [Cutting off his arm and spraying blood in Colussus' face] Are you there God? It's me, Margaret!

Deadpool: [looks at the screen] Cue the music.

[first lines]

Deadpool: Kinda lonesome back here.

[wedges himself through the Plexiglas opening between the back seat and the front]

Deadpool: Yeah, little help.

Colossus: We can't allow this, Deadpool. Please, come quietly.

Deadpool: You big chrome cock-gobbler!

Colossus: That's not nice.

Deadpool: You're really gonna fuck this up for me? Trust me, that wheezing bag of dick-tips has it coming. He's pure evil. Besides... Nobody's getting hurt.

[a dead body falls off an overhead traffic sign]

Deadpool: That guy was already up there when I got here.

Deadpool: I hope they blocked pain to your every last nerve 'cause I'ma go lookin'!

Ajax: You grow back body parts now, Wade? When I'm finished, parts will have to grow back you.

Deadpool: [to The Recruiter] Nice to see you, Jared. I'll take the foot long... Fully loaded.

Deadpool: Cock-Shot!

Deadpool: There are no words. Me and you are headed to fix this butterface.

Ajax: What? You stupid fucking idiot. Did you really think there was a cure... for that?

Deadpool: What?

Ajax: You heard me.

Deadpool: No. No! So, you mean to say... after all this, you can't fix me?

Ajax: It sounds even stupider when you say it.

Deadpool: Like the kind of stupid who admits he can't do the one thing I'm keeping him alive for?

[Deadpool aims gun at Ajax's head]

Deadpool: Any last words?

Ajax: What's my name?

Deadpool: [Cocks his gun] Who fucking cares?

Colossus: Do you have off switch?

Deadpool: Yeah, it's right next to the prostate. Or is that the on switch?

Weasel: Wade Wilson, patron saint of the pitiful. What can I do for you?

Deadpool: I'd love to get a Blow Job.

Weasel: Oh, God, me too.

Deadpool: The drink, moose knuckle, But first...

Weasel: All right, Kahlua, Bailey's and whipped cream. I give you a Blow Job. Why do you make me make that?

Deadpool: [to Vanessa] If I never see you again, know that I love you.

Deadpool: Shit! I forgot the ammo!

Dopinder: I presume a crisp high five?

Deadpool: For you? 10.

[slaps Dopinder a double high-five]

Deadpool: [to Colossus and Negasonic] Okay, guys, let's get out there and make a difference.

Deadpool: [Whispers to Dopinder] You know what do to.

Dopinder: Knock 'em dead, Pool Boy!

Deadpool: I've been traveling to exotic places, Baghdad, Mogadishu, Jacksonville, meeting new and exciting people.

Weasel: And killing them, I know, I saw your Instagram.

Weasel: So what was a special operatives doing in Jacksonville?

Deadpool: That's classified. They have a wonderful TGI Fridays!

Deadpool: There's the money shot, baby.

Deadpool: This is confusing. Is it sexist to hit you? Is it more sexist to not hit you? I mean, the line gets real... blurry!

[cocks gun]

Deadpool: A hush fall over the crowd as rookie sensation Wade W. Wilson out of Regina, Saskatchewan, lines up the shot. His form looks good.

[kicks Francis in the head]

Deadpool: Oh! And that's why Regina rhymes with fun.

Deadpool: Superhero landing. She's gonna do a superhero landing. Wait for it.

[Angel Dust jumps from the platform and lands]

Deadpool: [clapping his hands] Whoo! Superhero landing! You know, that's really hard on your knees.

Negasonic Teenage Warhead: [pointing behind Deadpool] Hey, Douche-Pool!

Deadpool: [turns around] And I hope *you're* watching -

[gasps in horror, as Ajax has disappeared]

Colossus: Quite unfortunate...

Deadpool: [shaking his head in disbelief] THAT DOES IT!

[punches Colossus in the face, breaking his own hand]

Deadpool: Ooh! Oh, Canada! That's not good...

Deadpool: And you, chicken noodle... Nothing compares to you. Sinéad O'Connor, 1990. Sorry

Negasonic Teenage Warhead: That's all right. You're cool.

Deadpool: [Gasps] What in the ass? That was not mean. I'm proud of you!

Colossus: We will make an X-Man of you yet, Wade

Deadpool: For a second there, it felt like we were three minutes-lion robots coming together to form one super robot.

Negasonic Teenage Warhead: There's a stupid.

Deadpool: [During the final battle] Bob?

Bob: Wade?

Deadpool: Oh, my God. I haven't seen you since...

Bob: Jacksonville.

Deadpool: TGI.

Deadpool, Bob: Fridays.

Deadpool: Well, what the hell?

[Deadpool helps Bob up]

Deadpool: God. Come here you.

[Deadpool knocks Bob out, and then Deadpool starts dragging him]

Deadpool: How are the kids? Good? And Gail? She still fixing that tuna casserole? *So* good. Bad for the waistline, you know what I'm talking about.

Deadpool: Sure, I may be stuck looking like pepperoni flatbread but at least fuckface won't heal from that.

Deadpool: [on X-Men Wolverine] I've got no problems with Hugh. I mean he's a delightful guy, he really is. True legend. But the movie, that was a career low for me.

Dopinder: My romantic rival, Bandhu. He's tied up in the trunk. I'm doing as you said, DP. I plan to gut him like a polluted fish, then dump his carcass on Gita's doorstep.

Deadpool: I did not tell him to do that! Absolutely not! It got lost in translation. Dopinder this is *no* way to win Gita's heart back!

[Whisper]

Deadpool: I am so proud of you.

[Loudly]

Deadpool: Drop Bandhu off, safe and gentle-like.

[Whisper]

Deadpool: Kill him.

[Loudly]

Deadpool: And then win Gita back the old-fashioned way with your boyish charm.

[Whisper]

Deadpool: Kidnap her.

Negasonic Teenage Warhead: [to Colossus] He's super dead.

Deadpool: Love is a beautiful thing. When you find it, the the whole world taste like Daffodil Daydream. So you gotta hold onto love... tight! And never let go. Don't make the same mistakes I did. Got it?

Dopinder: Yeah.

Deadpool: Or the whole world tastes like Mama Juice after hot yoga.

Dopinder: Sir, what does Miss Mama June taste like?

Deadpool: Like two hobos fucking in a shoe filled with piss.

Deadpool: [upon learning Ajax took Vanessa] I'm gonna need all the guns.

Weasel: Which ones?

Deadpool: ALL OF THEM!

Dopinder: That's, uh, $27.50.

Deadpool: I... I never carry a wallet when I'm working. Ruins the lines of my suit.

Dopinder: Oh.

Deadpool: But, uh, how about a crisp high five?

Deadpool: [threatning Jeremy, the stalker Pizza Guy] You even look in her direction, and I'll show you that I have some hard spots.

[pause]

Deadpool: That came out wrong. Or did it?

[kisses Jeremy on the cheek]

Deadpool: 41 confirmed kills. Now it's 80. About to be 90.

Recruiter: Mr. Wilson?

Deadpool: Ding-ding.

Recruiter: You're looking very alive.

Deadpool: Ha! Only on the outside!

Recruiter: This is not going to end well for me, is it?

Deadpool: This is not gonna end well for you, no. Where's your boss?

Recruiter: I can tell you exactly...

Deadpool: Oh, you tell me. But first... You might wanna look way for this. Now this little piggy went to...

[pushes the camera away and the Recruiter screams]

Deadpool: Maximum effort!

[frustrated with Deadpool after her IKEA furniture collapses]

Blind Al: I wish I'd never heard of Craigslist.

Deadpool: And I quote: "Looking for roommate. Blind to life's imperfections. Must be good with hands." Or would you rather *I* build furniture and you pay rent?

Deadpool: Hang in there, baby! I gotcha! I got a plan. You're not gonna like it.

[Deadpool throws Vanessa into the oxygen chamber as it rolls down the carrier and stops on the edge of it, Wade holds onto the oxygen chamber]

Vanessa Carlysle: Shit! ShitI Shit!

Deadpool: Don't worry. I'm totally on top of this.

Deadpool: [walking towards Blind Al's home] She's like Robin to my Batman, except she's old, and black, and blind. And I think she's in love with me. Wait, pretty sure Robin loves Batman, too.

Deadpool: Don't make me ask twice... where's Francis?

[cut to later]

Deadpool: He made me ask twice!

Deadpool: [about to kill Ajax, he accidentally hits Colossus in the groin] Dad?

Deadpool: [banging a door on a henchman] Where is Francis? Where the fuck is Francis? Where's Francis?

Deadpool: Did I say this was a love story? It's a horror movie.

Deadpool: I'm a bad guy who is paid to fuck up worse guys.

[Repeated line]

Deadpool: Where's Francis?

Deadpool: [to a Spanish goon] ¿Dónde está Francesca?

Deadpool: I bet it feels huge in this hand.

[Ajax, atop a downed helicarrier, sees Deadpool, Colossus and Negasonic Teenage Warhead arriving at junkyard]

Ajax: WADE WILSON! What's my name?

Deadpool: [under his breath] Ooooh, I'mma fuckin' spell it out for ya.

[later, after battle, has spelled out 'Francis' using bodies of bad guys]

[last lines]

Deadpool: See? You don't need to be a superhero to get the girl. The right girl will bring out the hero in you. Now, let's finish this epic wide shot... pull out, here we go... looks nice, not gonna be the only thing that's pullin' out tonight. Who doesn't love a happy ending, huh? Until next time, this is your friendly neighborhood Pool guy singing...

[alongside George Michael's "Careless Whisper" vocals]

Deadpool: "I'm never gonna dance again, the way I danced with you, ohhhhhhh!"

Deadpool: How can I help you... besides luring children into a panel van?

Deadpool: [Shoots at Ajax and misses] Shit!

Deadpool: [Shoots at Ajax and misses again] Fuck!

Deadpool: [Shoots at Ajax and misses a third time] Shit fuck!

Deadpool: [to the audience in the after credits scene] You're still here? It's over. Go home! Oh, you're expecting a teaser for Deadpool 2. Well, we don't have that kind of money. What are you expecting, Sam Jackson show up with an eyepatch and a saucy little leather number? Go, go.

Credits: The making and authorized distribution of this film supported over 13,000 jobs and involved hundreds of thousands of work hours.

Deadpool: Oh, but I can tell you one thing and it's a bit of a secret. In the sequel, we're gonna have Cable. Amazing character. Bionic arm, time travel. We have no idea who we're gonna cast yet but it could be anybody. We just need a big guy with a flat top. Could be Mel Gibson, Dolph Lundgren, Keira Knightley, she's got range, who knows? Anyway, big secret, ssshhhh. Oh and don't leave your garbage all lying around. It's a total dick move. Go. Chicka-chickahhhh.

Deadpool: [to the audience while slicing off his own arm] Did you ever see 127 Hours? Spoiler alert.

Ajax: What's my name?

Deadpool: I'll spell it out for ya!

Deadpool: [later, after battle, has spelled out 'Francis' using bodies of bad guys]

Colossus: [Deadpool is about to shoot Ajax] Wade! Four or five moments.

Deadpool: I'm sorry?

Colossus: Four or five moments - that's all it takes.

Deadpool: To...?

Colossus: Be a hero.

Ajax: [groans]

Colossus: Everyone thinks it's a full-time job. Wake up a hero. Brush your teeth a hero. Go to work a hero. Not true. Over a lifetime, there are only four or five moments that really matter. Moments when you're offered a choice - to make a sacrifice, conquer a flaw, save a friend, spare an enemy. In these moments, everything else falls away. The way the world sees us. The way we...

[Deadpool gets bored and shoots Ajax in the head, killing him]

Colossus: [vomits humourously] Why?

Deadpool: You were droning on.

Deadpool: I'm going to get out of the Batmobile. It's totally *not* a sedan.